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Episode 43: Conflict Resolution Course
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In this episode of The Aging Parent Playbook, I walk you through Pillar #2 of my caregiving framework: Conflict Resolution. I talk about why caring for aging parents so often brings up old family dynamics, sibling tension, and guilt, and why trying to “keep everyone happy” usually leads to burnout. I share a simple, practical structure to help you communicate more clearly, set boundaries you can live with, and navigate difficult conversations with parents and siblings without losing yourself in the process. If you’re feeling like the default caregiver or stuck in family conflict, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Introduction to Supporting Aging Parents
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino, psychiatrist, aging parent coach, and fellow member of the Sandwich Generation. In this far apart series, I'm walking you through the four pillars of my framework for supporting aging parents.
Resolving Conflicts and Strengthening Family Bonds
00:00:16
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Today is pillar number two, the conflict resolution course. How to strengthen family bonds and navigate difficult conversations about it. Let's be honest for a moment.
00:00:28
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Your parents' aging is not happening in a vacuum. It's happening in the middle of old resentments, birth order dynamics, cultural expectations, and decades of, we don't talk about that in this family.
00:00:43
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Meanwhile, you're trying to make sure mom doesn't fall, convince dad to see a physician, get your siblings to show up, and not scream at every everyone in the process.
Challenges in Caring for Aging Parents
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You might be thinking, I feel like the parent now and I hate it. I'm doing everything and my siblings are not. If I bring up assisted living, everyone, that's exactly why this pillar exists.
00:01:10
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A lot of people secretly hope I will give them a script that will magically make everyone agree. I wish. The real goal of the conflict resolution course is to help you communicate clearly and
Effective Communication and Boundary Setting
00:01:24
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calmly.
00:01:24
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To set boundaries that you can live with. To stay aligned with your values, even if other people don't. Look, we can't control your brother, your mother, or your uncle who calls you once a year and has an opinion about everything.
00:01:37
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But we can't control how you show up. The words you choose what you are and are not able. One of the hardest parts of this season is the role shift. You go from, I'm the pit child, my parent decides to, huh.
00:01:55
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I'm coordinating their medical appointments, finances, safety. That can bring up a lot of guilt. Who am I to tell my parent what to do? Anger. Why are they making this so hard?
From Parenting to Partnering with Parents
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And grief. I miss. A key mind shift mindset shift here is you are not parenting your parent. You are partnering with your parent as their adult child in a new season.
00:02:21
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That means you respect their autonomy where it's still intact. You step in more firmly only when safety or capacity truly demands.
Structure for Difficult Conversations
00:02:30
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I want to give you simple structure you can start using right away in hard.
00:02:35
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Think of it as care, concern, concrete next step. One, care. Start by affirming the relationship. Mom, I love you and I care so much about you living the way you Two, concern. Name what you're seeing, not what you're accusing.
00:02:53
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I've noticed you've almost tripped a few times on the stairs and you told me you've been feeling... Three, concrete next step. Offer one small specific step.
00:03:06
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Can we make an appointment with your physician just to check your blood pressure medications? I'll go, this framework lowers defensiveness because you're leading with care, speaking from observation and offering a doable next step instead of a complete
Sibling Roles and Asking for Help
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life.
00:03:23
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And I wanna have a quick word on siblings. In almost every family, there is the default child, right? Usually the one doing everything, the consultants, the one who weighs in from afar,
00:03:35
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and the ghost who disappears completely. If that sounds familiar, I want you to know you did not cause this dynamic and you cannot fix it by over-functioning.
00:03:47
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In this pillar, we work on how to ask for help clearly, how to stop keeping score in your head and start stating your limits out loud, and how to make decisions when there's no concern, because sometimes there
Preparing for Difficult Conversations and Future Episodes
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won't.
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Your tiny assignments after this episode, is I want you to think of one conversation you've been avoiding with a parent or a sibling. Write down on your version of care, concern, and the concrete next step.
00:04:16
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You don't have to have a conversation today. Just draft the words. You'll feel your brain settle a bit once it sees language. off Next week, we're moving into the most practical pillar and how to assess what your parent actually needs. Choose between home, assisted living, nursing home, and create a care plan that doesn't burn you out.
00:04:37
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If this episode hit a nerve in a good way, follow me at The Aging Parent Coach on Instagram. for daily scripts and boundary support. And share this with that with that one sibling you wish would get it a little more.
00:04:52
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I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino, and this has been the Aging Parent Playbook. you next time.