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Episode 41 – Recognizing the Signs Your Parent Needs More Help
143 Plays2 months ago
How do you know when it’s really time to step in with your parent? In this episode, I share the subtle and sometimes not so subtle signs that your mom or dad may need extra support. We’ll talk about how to notice these changes early, how to bring them up without creating conflict, and small steps you can take that protect both safety and dignity. It’s a compassionate, down-to-earth guide for anyone walking that delicate line between caring and overstepping.
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Transcript
Introduction & Common Concerns
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi friends, welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm your host, Dr. Barbara Sparacino, psychiatrist, coach, daughter, wife, mom, and fellow card-carrying member of the Sanguist Generation. whoof That was a mouthful.
00:00:12
Speaker
Today's question is one of the heaviest and most common I hear from clients, from friends, from colleagues, honestly, from just about everyone in my stage of life. How do I know when it's time to step in with my parents?
00:00:25
Speaker
If you're listening, you probably already have a picture in your head. Maybe your mom insists she's fine, but you notice the fridge looks more like a museum exhibit than a food source. Maybe your dad's bills are stacked so high on the counter they could be mistaken for a leaning tower of pizza replica.
00:00:41
Speaker
Or maybe there's that unexplained bruise. And when you ask the story, when you ask, the story doesn't quite add up, right?
Episode Plan & Subtle Signs
00:00:49
Speaker
And suddenly your brain starts firing off these dreaded,
00:00:52
Speaker
What ifs? What if she falls again? What if he forgets to take his medication tomorrow? What if something terrible happens and I miss the signs? It's a moment of panic, but also a moment of love because the fact that you're asking these questions tells me you care deeply.
00:01:09
Speaker
So today we're going to unpack this in a way that is compassionate, practical, and yes, sprinkled with a little humor because otherwise, frankly, it's a little heavy.
00:01:20
Speaker
So here's our roadmap. First, we're going to address why spotting these signs can be so tricky. Then the subtle and not so subtle red flags.
00:01:32
Speaker
Three, how to ah bring it up without starting World War III at Sunday dinner. And finally, small next steps you can take that build safety without stripping dignity. By the end of today's episode, you'll have a playbook, not just for noticing, but for acting with confidence, clarity, and compassion.
00:01:53
Speaker
So let's start with why this is so hard to spot. And let's be real. If parents came with dashboard warning lights, life would be heck of a lot easier. Low balance, needs oil, Chuck Walker, right?
00:02:06
Speaker
Sadly, that's not how humans work. Instead, what we get are subtle shifts. The kitchen that was when spotless now smells faintly of sour milk. The dad who never missed the doctor's appointment suddenly forgets to reschedule.
00:02:21
Speaker
The once colorful mom now shuffles around in the same stained bathrobe for days?
Importance of Proactivity
00:02:27
Speaker
Look, these are not billboards. They're whispers. And whispers are easy to ignore.
00:02:33
Speaker
On top of that, there's our own second guessing. Tell me if this sounds familiar. Am I being too critical? Am I projecting my own anxieties? Do I just want to control things?
00:02:46
Speaker
Here's the truth. Noticing doesn't mean controlling. It means caring. There's a delicate line between independence and safety. And most of us walk it like we're on a tightrope with no net. I'll tell you what I see most often in coaching. Adult children wait.
00:02:59
Speaker
They wait because they don't want to offend. They wait because they don't want to be the bad guy.
00:03:06
Speaker
And they wait because maybe they hope things will just level out. Level out, right? But what usually happens? A fall? an ER visit, or a financial crisis that forces the issue.
Red Flags in Aging Parents
00:03:20
Speaker
And suddenly we're in crisis mode instead of prevention mode. I want you to hear me clearly. Prevention is not overreacting. Prevention is love with foresight.
00:03:31
Speaker
So what are the signs to watch for? Let's talk about the actual red flags. I wanna divide these into six categories and I want you to mentally check boxes as you listen.
00:03:42
Speaker
The first category is financial confusion. is there but Are there bills unpaid, double paid, or unopened? Maybe there are there are odd charges on credit cards. i once had a client whose mom bought like 10 subscriptions for the same cooking magazine because she couldn't remember renewing them.
00:04:01
Speaker
So it might be silly at first and expensive later. Two, medication mix-ups. The pillbox that was has Tuesday's meds still there on Thursday, or worse, empty when it shouldn't be.
00:04:15
Speaker
Medication errors are one of the top reasons older adults end up in the ER. Three, hygiene the clean decline. Are there clothes stades? Shower skipped, hair matted.
00:04:25
Speaker
These aren't about vanity, it's about functional decline. Are there mobility issues? Bruises, bumps, dents in the car. You know, oh, the I just bumped into counter stories that don't add up.
00:04:38
Speaker
Five, food and nutrition. is Are there spoiled food? Weight gain or weight loss that doesn't make sense. Six, behavioral changes, withdrawal from social activities, sudden irritability or personality shifts.
00:04:51
Speaker
Sometimes it can look like depression, dementia, or just plain old loneliness. My rule of thumb is if that there's one one is a blip, three or more is a trend. If you got three or more of those boxes checked, it's time to lean in.
Communicating Concerns Effectively
00:05:06
Speaker
Now, how to talk without but talk about it without a starting a war. Okay, so now you're noticing things. ah ten The temptation is gonna be to swoop in and say, Dad, you're not fine.
00:05:18
Speaker
Let's take care of these problems. And then cue defensiveness. Let me give you some better scripts. How about I've noticed a few changes and I care about you. Or it would help me worry less if we looked at this together.
00:05:32
Speaker
Or how about can we make a plan as a team? See the difference? It's a we instead of you. Another tip, don't overhaul their entire life in one conversation. If mom is falling, maybe the first step is adding a grab bar in the shower and not selling the house.
00:05:49
Speaker
And humor helps. You know, one daughter i coached convinced her dad to stop driving at night by joking, dad, you're giving the deer whiplash from breaking
Practical Steps for Support
00:05:59
Speaker
so much. He laughed, but he listened.
00:06:03
Speaker
So taking the next step. So what do you do once you've opened the door? First, book a doctor's appointment to rule out medical causes. Sometimes it's not dementia, it's dehydration or a medication side effect.
00:06:16
Speaker
Two, make small home home safety upgrades, grab bars, better lighting, maybe meal delivery. Three, bring in allies. Maybe your parent resists but you but will listen to a friend, a pastor or another doctor.
00:06:31
Speaker
Remember, you're not swooping in to take over, you're building scaffolding so your parent can stay independent safely.
Recap & Conclusion
00:06:38
Speaker
So let's recap. Notice the whispers become the before they become shouts.
00:06:44
Speaker
Don't dismiss your instincts, they're often right. Use language of collaboration, not confrontation. Start small. And I love this, build scaffolding, not cages. And remember, recognizing signs isn't about judging your parent, it's about protecting them and protecting your own peace of mind.
00:07:01
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, love isn't just what you feel, it's what you do. So thank you for listening. um Again, I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino, The Aging Parent Coach.
00:07:13
Speaker
If you'd like to find out more information, please check out my website at theagingparentcoach.com. See you next time.