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Episode 25: Managing Sibling Conflicts Over Aging Parent Care
39 Plays21 days ago
Sibling conflicts over caregiving can turn an already stressful situation into a full-blown family feud. Maybe you’re doing everything while your siblings vanish. Maybe you’re locked in a power struggle with a controlling sibling. Or maybe it’s the dreaded money fight—who’s paying, who’s not, and what happens to the inheritance?
In this episode, Dr. Barbara Sparacino dives into one of the most common (and exhausting) challenges caregivers face: navigating sibling dynamics when caring for aging parents.
You’ll learn:
✅ The 3 most common types of sibling conflict—and why they happen
✅ How to set healthy boundaries and get everyone on the same page
✅ What to do when your siblings refuse to help
If caregiving has turned into a battleground, you’re not alone—and you’re not powerless. Tune in for practical strategies, real talk, and a reminder that your peace of mind matters too.
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Transcript
Introduction to Sibling Conflicts in Caregiving
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm Dr. Barbara Sparacino, and today we're diving into a topic that can turn even the closest families upside down. Sibling conflicts over caregiving. Maybe you're the only one stepping up while your siblings disappear. Maybe you're stuck in endless arguments about money or big decisions. Maybe one the sibling tries to take control ah ah while shutting everyone else out.
00:00:22
Speaker
Sound familiar? You're not alone. Sibling conflicts are one of the biggest sources of stress for family caregivers. But here's the good news. There are ways to manage the issues without letting them destroy your relationships or your peace of mind.
00:00:34
Speaker
So today, I'll cover the three most common sibling conflicts in caregiving. How to set boundaries and get everyone on the same page. And what to do if your siblings refuse to help.
00:00:46
Speaker
Let's get into it.
Common Sibling Conflicts in Caregiving
00:00:47
Speaker
So, what are the three most common sibling conflicts in caregiving? I've worked with countless families navigating caregiving. No matter the situation, sibling conflicts tend to fall into one of three categories. Let's break them down.
00:01:01
Speaker
We have the disappearing sibling. One person does it all. You know this one. One sibling, often the one who lives closest or has a flexible job, ends up doing all the work.
00:01:13
Speaker
Doctors appointments, managing finances, grocery shopping, while the others offer excuses or check in occasionally with a, let me know if you need anything. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, and it's not fair.
00:01:26
Speaker
But why does this happen?
Reasons Behind Sibling Conflicts
00:01:27
Speaker
Well, maybe they assume you have it all handled or they feel uncomfortable with caregiving or they don't want to step up and hope you'll call you won't call them out on it. The second one is the control freak.
00:01:38
Speaker
One sibling tries to make every decision. Now here on the flip side, maybe you have the sibling who takes over everything, making decisions without consulting anyone, dismissing your concerns or acting like they know best.
00:01:51
Speaker
They may live out of state, but still dictate what should happen. Or maybe they're involved but refuse to listen to other perspectives. Either way, it leads to tension and resentment. Now, why does this happen?
00:02:03
Speaker
Yeah, they feel more qualified to make decisions. Maybe they have control issues. Maybe they don't trust others to handle things the right way. Then the third one, the money fight.
00:02:15
Speaker
This is where financial disputes and inheritance tension shows up. Money is one of the biggest soft sources of conflict in caregiving. Who's paying for what? Should your mom's savings be used for care?
00:02:25
Speaker
Or should we preserve the inheritance? These fights can get ugly, especially if one sibling is contributing financially while others aren't, or if there's disagreement over hiring help versus family caregiving. Now, why does this happen?
00:02:39
Speaker
Look, people value money differently. Some prioritize preserving it, Others prioritize spending it for care. Also, it's common for old resentments to resurface, like who got more growing up, especially if there's no clear financial plan in place.
00:02:54
Speaker
If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone.
Strategies for Managing Sibling Conflicts
00:02:57
Speaker
But the good news, there are ways to navigate these conflicts in a way that protects your sanity and your relationship. So let's talk about how to set boundaries and get everyone on the same page.
00:03:07
Speaker
How do you prevent these conflicts from ruining your family relationships and making caregiving even harder? It all comes down to clear communication, boundaries, and planning. Step one, hold regular family meetings.
00:03:20
Speaker
Look, keep them structured. This isn't a venting session. Stick to facts and solutions. Make it a regular scheduled date, whether it's weekly, monthly, quarterly. It helps to keep everyone involved.
00:03:32
Speaker
Use technology to your vat. Zoom calls work if siblings live far away. Step two, Put everything in writing. Document caregiving responsibilities. Who is handling medical appointments?
00:03:42
Speaker
Who is managing finances? Put it in writing so there's no confusion. Also, maintain financial transparency. If mom's money is being used for care, make sure everyone is on the same page. Consider a legal financial plan to avoid future disputes.
00:03:55
Speaker
And you can always work with a mediator. If things get tense, tens an elder care consultant or an aging parent coach or a mediator can help facilitate difficult discussions. And step three, communicate clearly and set boundaries. It's important to be direct about what you need.
00:04:10
Speaker
Instead of saying help out more, try, can you cover the cost of groceries each month? Can you take over scheduling doctor's appointment? And let go of unrealistic expectations. Some siblings will never step up.
00:04:22
Speaker
That's a reality. Focus on what you can control rather than fighting a losing battle. These steps won't eliminate all conflict, but they will help create clarity and prevent resentment from building up.
Emotional Management and Asking for Help
00:04:33
Speaker
What to do if a sibling refuses to help? So what have you've done all of this and you're still the only one stepping up? It's not fair, but here's a hard truth. You can't force someone to care.
00:04:44
Speaker
You can, however, protect your own peace. The first step to that is letting go of resentment. Look, accept that not everyone has the same capacity to help. Recognize that anger only drains your energy.
00:04:55
Speaker
This is when I say that compassion and anger can't share the same space. you know Step two, ask for specific manageable help. Again, not the first time I'm saying this, but instead of saying help out more, say, can you take over paying the bills?
00:05:06
Speaker
Can you handle prescription refills? And if they refuse, document that too. It might be important for legal or financial decisions later.
External Resources and Support
00:05:14
Speaker
And step three, seek outside support. There are community resources. Check out local aging agencies for caregiver support programs. Look for paid caregiving options. If family wants step up, you may need to hire outside help, even if it's just part-time. And therapy or support groups.
00:05:30
Speaker
If family conflict is taking a toll on your mental health, seek support from others who understand. Most importantly, protect your mental and emotional well-being. You're doing enough, and it's okay to sell be set boundaries with family who refuse to
Reassurance and Self-Care for Caregivers
00:05:43
Speaker
help.
00:05:43
Speaker
So family caregiving has turned into a battle, you're not alone. But you don't have to let it drain you. So start let's start setting boundaries, get things in writing, and most of all, focus on what you can control.
00:05:55
Speaker
If today's episode was helpful, share it with someone who might need it. And if you need one-to-one coaching or support to navigate sibling dynamics, visit theagingparentcoach.com and set up a consult with me.
00:06:09
Speaker
Take care of yourself and see you next time.