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Episode 40: When Your Parent Insists “I’m Fine” Understanding Denial and Resistance
104 Plays2 months ago
Ever hear your aging parent say, ‘I’m fine’—even when the signs clearly show otherwise? In this episode of The Aging Parent Playbook, Dr. Barbara Sparacino breaks down why denial is so common, what those little red flags really mean, and how to approach the conversation without creating conflict. You’ll learn practical strategies to respond with compassion, build trust, and reframe help as empowerment. If you’ve ever felt stuck between worry and respect for your parent’s independence, this episode will give you the tools to move forward with confidence.
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Transcript
Introduction to Caring for Aging Parents
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi friends, and welcome back to the Aging Parent Playbook. I'm your host, Dr. Barbara Sparacino, psychiatrist, coach, and fellow member of the sandwich generation.
Challenges with Aging Parents in Denial
00:00:10
Speaker
Today, we're diving into one of the most common frustrations I hear from adult children of aging parents.
00:00:16
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You finally work up the courage to check in on your mom or dad. Maybe you've noticed things slipping. Maybe you're worried. And what do they say? i fine. two little words that could stop you in your tracks because you know, actually, they're not fine.
00:00:34
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You see the piles of unopened mail or you notice the bruises from a fall or you hear the weirdness in their voice and yet they insist everything is just fine.
Why Aging Parents Insist 'I'm Fine'
00:00:46
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So today we're going to unpack why parents often deny needing help.
00:00:57
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So what are the signs that I'm fine really isn't fine? And most importantly, how you can respond with compassion without creating World War III at the dinner table.
00:01:10
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So let's talk about the psychology of denial, right? Let's start with the why. Why do so many aging parents and sister find when they're clearly not?
00:01:23
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The short answer, fear. Fear of losing independence, fear of becoming a burden, fear of admitting that aging is catching up with them.
00:01:35
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For some, it's pride, especially they were always the strong one, the caretaker, the person others leans on.
00:01:45
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And honestly, think about how often we say, I'm fine, when we're not. We do it at work, we do it with friends. Sometimes it's just easier than unpacking what's really going on.
00:01:58
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For our parents, it's the same, except that it often carries the weight of aging identity and dignity.
Identifying Red Flags Beyond 'I'm Fine'
00:02:08
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It is important to remember denial isn't usually about being difficult or stubborn. It's about holding on and understanding that shifts how we respond.
00:02:22
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So what are some signs that they're actually not fine?
00:02:27
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Okay, so if I'm fine can't always be trusted, how do you know when it's time to step in? Here are some red flags to look out for. Daily life slipping through the cracks.
00:02:40
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So I mean missed bills, spoiled food in the fridge, forgetting appointments.
00:02:48
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Changes in hygiene. Maybe your parent who always showered daily is suddenly resistant or their clothes are stained.
00:02:58
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Physical health clues. Bruises from falls, unexplained weight loss or gain. Medication bottles that aren't being used correctly. Social withdrawal.
00:03:08
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They stop attending church, book club, or family dinners. Emotional cues. There's irritability, defensiveness, or quickness to change the subject.
00:03:20
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I always tell my clients, look for patterns, not just one-off mistakes.
Empathetic Responses to Denial
00:03:25
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Everyone misplaces keys once in a while. But consistent changes, those are the signs that I'm fine, may be covering something deeper.
00:03:37
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So how do we respond with compassion? This is the hard part. What do you say when your parent insists they're fine? First, don't argue.
00:03:49
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Telling them you're not fine just creates defensiveness. Instead, try acknowledging their feelings. I hear you, dad. I know you want to feel independent. Mom, I can tell this is hard to talk about.
00:04:02
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I respect that. Then shift the focus to your own care and concern. Say something like, I noticed you've lost some weight and I'm worried about you.
00:04:14
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or it would help me feel better knowing someone's coming to check on you. Sometimes parents are more receptive if the suggestion comes from someone other than you.
00:04:25
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ah trusted doctor, a clergy member, even a close friend can be powerful ally. i always tell folks, hey, blame me. And don't underestimate the power of starting small.
00:04:37
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Instead of saying you need help every day, try, how about someone comes just once a week to help with groceries? Little yeses are what can build trust for the bigger changes.
Building Trust and Acceptance of Help
00:04:52
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When parents are stuck in denial, think of your role as the role of planting seeds. Offer options instead of ultimatums. Normalize help as a strength, not a weakness.
00:05:03
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You might say, everyone needs to support as they get older. This doesn't mean you're losing independence. It means you're planning wisely. And look, here's a real-life example for my coaching. I once worked with a daughter who was pulling her hair out because her mom insisted she didn't need help.
00:05:19
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We refrained it. Instead of help, we call it having a partner. That one word shift changed everything. Her mom accepted a homemade two mornings a week because she didn't feel pitied. She felt supported.
00:05:32
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So remember, sometimes the solution is less about logistics and more about language.
Summary and Additional Resources
00:05:42
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So let's recap. I'm fine is usually fear talking, not stubbornness. Look for patterns of change to spot when things aren't okay. Respond with compassion, not confrontation.
00:05:55
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Start small, use allies, and frame support as empowerment. If this episode resonated with you, I want to invite you to download my free care plan guide. It's a simple resource that walks you through the four pillars of caregiving and helps.
00:06:09
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You see where your parent may need support. can grab it right on my website at theagingparentcoach.com. And if you're really struggling with denial and resistance, let's talk.
00:06:24
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Coaching can help you move from frustration to clarity, and I'd be honored to help. Thank you for listening to the Aging Parent Playbook. Please subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more care caregivers can find me.
00:06:39
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I'll see you next week. Take care.