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Stay Sparked #44 - "The Value of Honesty"
6 Plays2 years ago
Dishonesty may help you avoid short term consequences, but you'll destroy priceless trust. What is the value of Truth and what are ways that you can compassionately maintain honesty in your relationships? How does honesty and trust allow for the deepest levels of intimacy and connection?
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
"Non Violent Communication" Marshall Rosenberg
"Radical Honesty" Brad Blanton
"Radical Acceptance" Tara Brach
"Lion Tracker's Guide to Life" - Boyd Varty
Multiamory Podcast "RADAR"
HOSTS
BETSY FINKLEHOO is a healer of massage therapy, CranioSacral and Dharma Coaching. She is an 8 year burner and has spent the last several years seeped in the personal development world, cultivating her passion for transformation and growth. Her recent project, The Power Affirmation Journal and virtual group empowers women to cultivate self awareness and healthy habits so they can live in greater freedom, mind body and spirit.
http://poweraffirmation.com/
Click here to get a FREE affirmation for Stay Sparked Listeners!
JANUS REDMOON is a 10-time Burner, and has spent the last several years as an advocate for psychedelic medicine research and treatment. He is the founder and CEO of NuWorld Nutritionals, a nutritional supplement company providing mushroom-based, all-natural products to improve and maintain health for both body and mind. (Use code "SPARKED" for 10% off)
http://www.nuworldnutritionals.com
HALCYON is full-time Love Ambassador. He is the founder of Hug Nation YouTube channel and daily zoom gratitude circles. He is co-founder of the Pink Heart Burning Man camp and the 1st Saturdays project for people experiencing homelessness. In his free time he coaches individuals on how to live joyfully and authentically. His other podcast is "Hard on the 80's."
http://JohnStyn.com
MASSIVE Thank you to Dub Sutra for their beautiful opening music. Check out their incredible music catalogue online.
https://dubsutra.com
Recommended
Transcript
00:00:01
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That was a good one.
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That was a good one.
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That was really
Introduction and Episode Focus on Honesty
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good.
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Welcome to Stay Sparked.
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On this show, we explore how to stay inspired in the modern world through the most profound lessons from Burning Man, relationships, entrepreneurship, psychedelics, spirituality, travel, and more.
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On today's episode, we discuss honesty.
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We talk about all the ways in which that fear has driven lies.
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and we talk about different ways to bring honesty and truth into your relationships so that intimacy can blossom.
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Enjoy the episode.
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Hello and welcome to Stay Sparked.
Meet the Hosts: Betsy, Halcyon, and Giannis
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I'm Betsy.
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I'm Halcyon.
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And I am Giannis.
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Together, we are three longtime friends who have been sharing relationships
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conversations that spark so much inspiration and we are here to spark your inspiration.
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Thank you so much for listening on Apple podcasts and leaving us five-star reviews.
00:00:57
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We really appreciate that.
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It helps spread the sparks.
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Also, if you haven't found us on Instagram yet, we'd love to hear from you there.
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Leave some comments and have a conversation with us.
00:01:08
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We always love starting our conversations with gratitude.
Expressions of Gratitude
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So Yanis, what are you grateful for today?
00:01:16
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I, in this moment, I am grateful for, it seems kind of silly, but I'm grateful for my vehicle, my car.
00:01:25
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It is, I have been putting it through its paces lately because we're getting ready to move and I've just had a lot of running around to do.
00:01:33
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You know, like I mentioned before, we've recently had a baby and sort of required a lot of back and forth driving.
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And I just put a lot of miles on my car the last two months.
00:01:41
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And it's like just chugging along.
00:01:43
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And I haven't always hasn't always been the case with me in cars.
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So it's good.
00:01:48
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Having a reliable car is something I'm very grateful for right now.
00:01:51
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Yes, yes, yes.
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Grateful for your vehicle of your body, too.
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That is yes.
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Yes, for sure.
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How about you, Halcyon?
00:02:00
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What are you grateful for today?
00:02:02
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I am grateful to be celebrating my 13 year anniversary of my vasectomy.
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So 13 years ago, I got snipped.
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I decided to be very conscious about my decision to procreate, but I did freeze five vials of sperm.
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And so I'm also celebrating that I have a four and a half year old bio son who's going to come visit me at the end of this month and celebrate Christmas with me.
00:02:28
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So I'm super grateful for taking conscious, intentional control over my reproductive system.
00:02:36
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And it's worked out beautifully.
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So yay, 13 years.
00:02:38
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Amazing.
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Yeah.
00:02:44
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Well, I am gonna give thanks for the house that I'm in right now.
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It's a beautiful home that I've lived in for the last year.
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And I will share my gratitude for the remodel that is happening in our kitchen right now.
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We're getting some new cabinets.
00:02:58
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So at some point you might hear some banging and that's actually some really good things that are happening in our kitchen.
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So really, really grateful for what I like to call temple upgrades, as our house is like a temple.
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So we're upgrading.
Exploring Honesty in Relationships
00:03:13
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i really love it it's not disruptive it's the sounds of progress yes that's right yes it's all about perspective yes so i'm excited to explore a conversation with you guys today about honesty
00:03:28
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and our relationship to honesty and truth and also the other side of that withholding or, you know, not being fully in integrity with our truth or with our relationships.
00:03:42
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And so I'd love to just kind of start us off with the shadow side of honesty, right?
00:03:50
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Which is lying.
00:03:51
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I think that we probably all have experienced that at some time or another, especially
00:03:56
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In the youth, you know, as young children, we learn how to how to lie and then we learn about the consequences.
00:04:04
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And so I'd love to kind of inquire from that place if there's anything that you guys can share around what you've learned from from not being honest, whether that has been recent or from a younger age.
00:04:19
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Oh, boy.
00:04:20
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Well, I think it's, I mean, we lie because we want to control people's reactions.
00:04:28
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You know, we want to avoid confrontation.
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We want to get a reaction that we think would be best.
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And so I...
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I definitely was guilty of that when I was younger.
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Luckily, my father, his number one value was truth and honesty.
00:04:50
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And so the times that I was punished the worst was when I lied.
00:04:55
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I can remember telling him because I didn't want to go stop on our way someplace.
00:04:59
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I didn't want to stop and go to a garage sale.
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So I told him that I'd already gone there and there wasn't anything good.
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And when he found out that that wasn't true, I was grounded, you know, as if I had, you know, beaten up my brother and and got a tattoo on my face.
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I mean, it was it was he was very, very upset.
00:05:17
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And but it's interesting how I will I still will find myself like canceling a dinner reservation at a restaurant.
00:05:25
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And instead of just saying I can't make it, I'll say, oh, I have I have to go do something or like I make up a lie.
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Like there's a part of my brain that wants to like soothe the situation completely.
00:05:39
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And so part of this conversation and this awareness of the power of honesty is recognizing that whatever short-term consequence or whatever short-term friction might happen is of a higher vibration, a higher value long-term than whatever you're trying to protect yourself from.
00:06:04
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yeah yeah and that's that's something that is it can be a challenge to kind of sloth off of you and or kind of drop as we get older it's like we can get into a habit uh when we're younger telling lies and getting away with them and being like oh okay that almost becomes a tool in your in your tool belt that you can use on occasion and
00:06:27
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you know, you carry that into life.
00:06:29
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And then speaking from firsthand experience, it becomes, it becomes heavy.
00:06:33
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It becomes every time he's like, you know, you, you tell a lie, even like a white lie is just like, just kind of, you just kind of feel it on your heart.
00:06:41
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It's almost like somebody just handed you like a,
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a half pound kind of weight.
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I'm just like, ugh.
00:06:46
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And especially when a lot of people, as you get older, some people become in touch with their intuition, even if they're not quite aware of it.
00:06:56
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And there have been a couple of times where I've told white lies or maybe gray lies.
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And I immediately see the person didn't buy it.
00:07:05
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And even if they didn't quite reveal that they didn't buy it, something changes in their expression or just their demeanor.
00:07:12
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I'm like, oh, shit, I just told this lie and they completely saw right through it, even if they're not aware.
00:07:17
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And that just sucks.
00:07:18
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It doesn't feel good for anybody involved.
00:07:21
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So, yeah, this...
00:07:23
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The sooner we can come to grips with or come to terms with the idea that, okay, honesty is the best policy.
00:07:31
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We hear these things repeatedly.
00:07:33
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And if we hear them repeatedly, it's usually because they're true.
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And I think it's important to get to a point in life sooner than later where you kind of realize that we, and this is maybe a different topic entirely, but just kind of coming to terms with the idea like, I don't owe anybody an explanation.
00:07:51
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Honestly, it's like if I like so frankly, as a kid housing, it could have been like, oh, we're going to go to this garage sale.
00:07:59
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I don't want to go to the garage sale.
00:08:01
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Like instead of coming up with a reason like you shouldn't get out of it, you could just be like, I don't want to go.
00:08:05
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And your dad may like, oh, we're going.
00:08:07
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All right.
00:08:08
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Well, yeah, that sucks.
00:08:09
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But a lot of times we just like I just don't want to go.
00:08:14
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And I had somebody tell me once that's how I got it for myself.
00:08:17
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It's like, I asked for like a reason.
00:08:19
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She was about for some reason.
00:08:21
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And she's like, I don't owe you a reason.
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I don't want to.
00:08:24
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I don't want to do this thing.
00:08:25
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Because I don't want to.
00:08:26
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Why?
00:08:26
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Because I don't want to.
00:08:28
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And I was like, oh, you're actually right.
00:08:31
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I'm triggered by that.
00:08:32
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But you're right.
00:08:33
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And the sooner we get to that place with ourselves, we can kind of drop the need for dishonesty or the feeling of that there's a need for dishonesty.
00:08:42
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Totally.
00:08:42
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Yep.
00:08:43
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I completely agree.
00:08:44
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I have so many sparks going to it's like I even wrote down some notes.
00:08:47
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Like, why do we make up unnecessary excuses for ourselves?
00:08:51
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Right.
00:08:52
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It's so funny.
00:08:53
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It's like a conditioning and going back to the childhood part of this is like we get to learn where those consequences come from.
00:09:01
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Right.
00:09:01
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And so it's like, oh, we play around with, well, what can I get away with?
00:09:06
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And then watch what happens.
00:09:08
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So my nephew recently got caught in a lie and it was an unnecessary lie.
00:09:12
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It was like he had stopped somewhere and then he told a lie about it.
00:09:15
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And it wasn't, it's not like he did anything to get in trouble, but he got in more trouble from, from the lie.
00:09:22
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Right.
00:09:23
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And so, so we get to learn where those consequences come from and then continue to practice.
00:09:27
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Where can we show up to really share
00:09:30
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truthfully, you know, and I think one of the practices I have been cultivating over some time is through text messaging and recognizing like, yeah, I don't need to make up some excuse if I, you know, have something come up.
00:09:44
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So I'll give you an example.
00:09:46
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I used to be, I feel a lot of shame if I accidentally double booked myself because I do massage therapy and I see clients and there's been times where I accidentally double booked myself and
00:09:58
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And the old tendency would be like to message a person and make up some excuse that was not true.
00:10:05
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And then I would start to catch myself and go like, wait, why, why am I doing that?
00:10:10
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I'm human.
00:10:11
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And I want my clients to understand that I'm human.
00:10:13
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So I started to practice actually either letting them know, like I, I deeply apologize.
00:10:19
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I actually double booked myself and then just have that honest conversation.
00:10:25
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and watch how it created a more depth of, of intimacy and trust and respect when the truth came.
00:10:34
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Right.
00:10:35
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And then also then practicing other times where I would kind of like just simplify the answer.
00:10:41
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Like you're saying, Jonas is like,
00:10:43
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I don't actually need an excuse here.
00:10:45
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You know, I remember one time where I was out of town and I had forgotten that I had a client scheduled and then we had messaged and instead of going into a long story, especially via text, I'm sure we've all experienced that was like a long excuse.
00:10:59
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Oh my gosh, I totally forgot that I had you on my calendar and the dah, dah, dah, dah.
00:11:02
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I was like, no, no, I'm just clear and direct.
00:11:04
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Hey, it looks like I'm going to need to reschedule period.
00:11:08
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No need to make up all these reasons why I screwed up.
00:11:11
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Simplify.
00:11:12
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And I feel like that has actually created so much more lightness and more ease.
00:11:18
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Totally.
00:11:19
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There's that, you know, there's the consequence of honesty, which could be, you know, getting in trouble.
00:11:27
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But there's this deeper consequence, which is losing trust.
00:11:33
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You know, that's that short term, long term.
00:11:35
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OK, like I didn't get in trouble for the thing, but I've eroded this super precious thing, which is trust.
00:11:43
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And that's a massive consequence.
00:11:45
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And I think that also the desire to to give an explanation, you know, it's part of this deeper understanding.
00:11:54
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need for control and trying to control the outcome and trying to like, you think, you know, what's best.
00:11:59
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So you're trying to, to massage the information, the tone so that you get the outcome that you think you want, which, but,
00:12:09
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That's not up to you.
00:12:10
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That's not your responsibility.
00:12:11
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And you don't know what's best.
00:12:13
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So, I mean, all that really matters is I cannot make this appointment.
00:12:16
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Let's reschedule.
00:12:18
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Whatever happens after that is totally outside of your control.
00:12:24
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And honestly, if you let go and surrender, there's a good chance it's all going to work out way better.
00:12:31
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Absolutely.
00:12:32
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And getting all mixed up in all the extra words and verbiage, dancing around a subject,
00:12:37
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I've had situations before where it's like, we're just trying to get to this specific point.
00:12:44
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And because of fear of hurting somebody or because of, you know, like, I'm not sure how this person's going to actually receive my truth, then all this excess language comes in and then it muddles the point and it makes it much more difficult for the other person to actually understand what I'm trying to say.
00:13:04
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A good tool that I've found when sharing most anything that might be proved to be somewhat challenging or difficult for somebody to receive, just leading with, all right, I have to be honest with you here, or I'm compelled to be honest with you, or I want to be honest with you here.
00:13:20
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I found that that clears out 90% of the, that follows the rest of what I'm about to say.
00:13:27
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Because if I just be like, you know, I don't really want to do that with you anymore.
00:13:30
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Or I just, this isn't feeling in alignment for me anymore.
00:13:32
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If I just start to lead that with, I want to be honest with you here.
00:13:35
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That whole trust factor that you're mentioning, Halcyon, that draws people in.
00:13:40
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It's like,
00:13:40
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Somebody's being honest with me.
00:13:41
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I like that.
00:13:42
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I appreciate that.
00:13:43
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I'm, I'm feeling respected and honored before they go through all that before you've even said anything else.
00:13:48
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And that just kind of makes, in my experience, makes people more receptive to what they, what you have to say.
00:13:53
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Um, so just, just people, people like being respected, shocking, but yeah, I would even add like a tactic that I add on a lot of conversations or any conversation that could potentially have tension is, uh,
00:14:10
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Do you have a moment for me to share this?
00:14:12
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I'd like to be honest for you.
00:14:14
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Do you have a moment for me to get into it right now?
00:14:17
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So you're like, they're going to say yes, no matter what, but you're kind of allowing them this experience of, okay, I am choosing to be in this conversation with you instead of I'm going to give you this thing.
00:14:27
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I'm going to, I'm going to throw it at you.
00:14:29
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It's like, so it just changes the energy of it with that.
00:14:32
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Like, yeah, it's set in the container also.
00:14:35
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Yeah.
00:14:35
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for honest and deep conversations.
00:14:37
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And I will disagree, actually, if that they will always say yes.
00:14:42
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Because sometimes I know I personally have practiced this with NVC and some very dear friends checking in, hey, can we have an honest conversation?
00:14:50
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And then going, actually, you know, I need I need to eat first, right?
00:14:56
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Or like, let me check in with my basic needs.
00:14:58
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Am I actually able able to receive your honesty right now?
00:15:02
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Actually, no, I'm supposed to be somewhere in like three minutes.
00:15:04
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So no,
00:15:06
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Can we bookmark it?
00:15:07
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Right.
00:15:07
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But I think that's the best case scenario.
00:15:08
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That's awesome.
00:15:09
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If someone, if someone can, can avoid that, the instinct of saying yes.
00:15:13
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And actually that's, that's, that's beautiful.
00:15:16
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Yeah.
00:15:16
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Having conversations, I think is really important to set people up.
00:15:20
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I love what you're saying though, is a request instead of just like pouring our stuff on somebody checking in.
00:15:26
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Are you able to actually receive?
00:15:27
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I received a message the other day from a friend who I love her so much.
00:15:32
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Shout out to you, Amy.
00:15:33
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Her communication is incredible.
00:15:35
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she messaged me and said, do you have space to hear a vulnerable share around something that happened in our lunch the other day?
00:15:43
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Because something came up, she had a little trigger or something that happened in our conversation.
00:15:49
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And it gave me this really beautiful place within myself to just kind of center and ground and breathe and, you know, trust that what she was going to say was going to be
00:16:01
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um, okay.
00:16:02
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Rather than her just launching at me on a message saying, Hey, by the way, at our lunch the other day, I was really unhappy about dot, dot, dot, you know, and then I got to respond with love
The Role of Nonviolent Communication
00:16:13
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and say, yes, I care about you.
00:16:14
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I really, I want to know how you feel.
00:16:17
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And if there's ever anything that, you know, upset you in our relationship, I do want to know.
00:16:21
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And then that helped her to soften and feel more connected.
00:16:25
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And then it created the space for honesty around her feelings.
00:16:29
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And it was, we cleared it right away.
00:16:31
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Love that.
00:16:32
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Yeah.
00:16:33
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Yeah.
00:16:33
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Yeah.
00:16:33
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The, you know, the idea of, of, of brutal honesty is like something like it's kind of just, we just drop on people sometimes, but, and I think a lot of it are in a lot of our experience, like people who are like advocates for brutal honesty are more interested in the brutal, brutal part of it than the honesty part of it.
00:16:51
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And it's like, how about, and it goes back to saying, you know,
00:16:54
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You know, that saying that we should treat others as you would want to be treated.
00:16:59
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It's like, no, actually treat others the way they would like to be treated.
00:17:03
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So that's how we should approach these things.
00:17:06
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Instead of like, you feel like I got some, I have an honest sharing.
00:17:09
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I need to, I really feel like I need to,
00:17:11
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drop with bet i need to you know drop it on betsy instead of like i i like brutal honesty like just being just being straight out with it it's like no not everybody's like that so being like so then calling you know setting the container like you just mentioned is like the perfect way to go about that it's a perfect way for us to receive that and to deliver that as well i still love that amy example because i mean i think a lot of us are trained to
00:17:36
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to pursue harmony, you know?
00:17:38
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And so the lunch finishes, there's a little kind of little seed of resentment or frustration or something that didn't go well.
00:17:46
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And you go, well, we're good friends, you know, what, I'm just gonna let it go.
00:17:51
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We tell ourselves, I'm gonna let it go, but we don't really.
00:17:54
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And this thing is kind of in there, it's kind of in there.
00:17:58
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And, but there's this huge intimacy building and trust that happens when you say, you're basically saying, I want us to be fully open and able to love all of us completely.
00:18:12
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And for me to do that,
00:18:14
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There's this thought.
00:18:15
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It's not a judgment.
00:18:16
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It's not a terrible thing.
00:18:17
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It's just a little thought that is in the way.
00:18:19
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And in the pursuit of us being as close as possible, would you join me in this process of getting this out and getting it, removing it?
00:18:28
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And if both people can commit to that, it is, it is, it builds, you love the person more, you appreciate it.
00:18:36
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And I think it's really hard, though, especially when you're trained to be worried that, well, what if they get upset?
00:18:41
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What if they're mad at me?
00:18:43
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What if this makes them so that they, you know, I hurt their feelings?
00:18:47
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Which is a possibility.
00:18:49
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But a real relationship, a real friendship, a real romantic relationship, you want to have the momentary bristling so that you know you can trust the other person not to keep adding things to their box of secrets and resentments.
00:19:07
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Yeah, absolutely.
00:19:08
Speaker
Beautifully said, Halcyon.
00:19:10
Speaker
Thank you so much for that.
00:19:11
Speaker
And I love that you said the seed, right?
00:19:14
Speaker
Because you plant a little seed of resentment, frustration, or like something that you're holding on to.
00:19:20
Speaker
And it might see just tiny.
00:19:23
Speaker
But if you don't tend to the garden of our friendships, the garden of our relationships, those seeds can start to overtake the environment.
00:19:31
Speaker
Right.
00:19:31
Speaker
And so to be able to have the communication skills and tools, I think is a very important part of cultivating the healthy, honest, integrous kind of conversations where I feel like that does take work.
00:19:45
Speaker
I know personally for me, nonviolent communication has been a huge, huge component.
00:19:51
Speaker
And I'm so grateful that I've had friends that
00:19:53
Speaker
have been willing to learn that tool with me and practice it with me because it's not easy, it's not trained as young children.
00:20:03
Speaker
And maybe some people learn that growing up, hopefully more and more children are learning how to communicate from that structure of knowing what our needs are and compassionate communication.
00:20:15
Speaker
But otherwise it can just turn into more trauma and more withholding or like I'm fearful that,
00:20:22
Speaker
This person's not going to be able to understand what I'm trying to say.
00:20:28
Speaker
So I'm just not going to say anything.
00:20:29
Speaker
And then it just builds up over time.
00:20:31
Speaker
And that seed just grows and creates distance between the relationships.
00:20:36
Speaker
And so, yeah, NVC is a really powerful resource.
00:20:39
Speaker
And then I also want to recommend another book that has really changed my relationships a lot.
00:20:45
Speaker
It's called Radical Honesty.
00:20:48
Speaker
I don't remember the author, but we'll put it in the show notes.
00:20:50
Speaker
Radical Honesty is...
00:20:52
Speaker
Tara Brock, I believe.
00:20:54
Speaker
Okay.
00:20:55
Speaker
B-R-A-C-H, I think.
00:20:58
Speaker
Tara Brock, I'm not sure.
00:20:59
Speaker
A game changer.
00:21:00
Speaker
And I got to share just how this book came into my life.
00:21:02
Speaker
Because you know how books sometimes just they jump off the shelf or they just show up right when you need it.
00:21:07
Speaker
I was in a relationship many, many years ago and my intuition was sensing that there was some leaky energy that he was having other little flirty relationships via messaging and stuff like that.
00:21:23
Speaker
I could feel something was off.
00:21:26
Speaker
I checked in with him about it and he said, no, no, no, you're my person.
00:21:32
Speaker
But I could just feel something, something.
00:21:36
Speaker
that book started to show up.
00:21:38
Speaker
I was like, we were traveling and we stayed at someone's house and that was like on the nightstand.
00:21:42
Speaker
And then it popped up somewhere else.
00:21:44
Speaker
And then I was like, maybe we should read this book together.
00:21:47
Speaker
And then we started to read the book and lo and behold, what started to come through is a space of honesty.
00:21:55
Speaker
And he was shared.
00:21:56
Speaker
He did share with me that he was having some other connections with other women and not sharing with me because he didn't know how to, he was fearful that
00:22:04
Speaker
If he had attractions to other women that it would, you know, dismantle what we had.
00:22:09
Speaker
And so he was keeping it secret.
00:22:11
Speaker
And it was that was actually a contributor to manifesting what he didn't want.
00:22:17
Speaker
It created a major wedge between us.
00:22:19
Speaker
Whereas I feel if he would have come to me early on and said, Hey, you know, I really value our relationship.
00:22:27
Speaker
You are my number one primary partner.
00:22:29
Speaker
And I'm just noticing some feelings I'm having for these other women.
00:22:34
Speaker
Then we could have a conversation about that.
00:22:36
Speaker
You know, let's actually tune into where's that coming from?
00:22:39
Speaker
Do we want to open?
00:22:40
Speaker
Do we want to explore something else here?
00:22:44
Speaker
And I feel like that, that,
00:22:46
Speaker
would have probably created a deeper bond between us because the honesty, right?
00:22:51
Speaker
And so I learned so much from that relationship, the challenge and the trauma that it really induced and that feeling of being lied to or withheld from.
00:23:02
Speaker
And then that book was the catalyst to now other relationships that have gotten so much healthier because of understanding how to be radically honest.
00:23:13
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:23:13
Speaker
You know, there,
00:23:19
Speaker
I went to a 12-step meeting when I went to Burning Man.
00:23:21
Speaker
I'm not in 12-step, but I went to a meeting and somebody shared this idea that has really stuck with me.
00:23:27
Speaker
He says, when you have a truth that you withhold, something that you're being dishonest about, that's something that you put in a box.
00:23:39
Speaker
And once you start putting things in the box, it just starts multiplying.
00:23:43
Speaker
And that box is the obstacle for your connection.
00:23:45
Speaker
And so the objective needs to be keep the box empty, keep the box empty, empty the box, empty the box.
00:23:51
Speaker
And so in that example, if you were trying to build a relationship with empty boxes so you could truly accept and love one another as you truly are, even if that means you have a thought or a desire that isn't what you want the other person to have, but you trust them to tell you it,
00:24:09
Speaker
It allows you to work through it and find a place.
00:24:13
Speaker
But whereas if once you start saying, okay, I'm having these thoughts, I don't want to share with them because I'm worried what they might think.
00:24:19
Speaker
And then the story, the part of yourself that is secret gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
00:24:25
Speaker
And it's, that has been a mantra for me.
00:24:28
Speaker
Keep the box empty.
00:24:30
Speaker
Keep the box empty.
00:24:30
Speaker
Empty the box.
00:24:31
Speaker
Empty the box.
00:24:32
Speaker
And there are times when I'm like, so my partner and I, we have a, every couple of weeks, we have a conversation of like,
00:24:40
Speaker
is there anything that you don't want to tell me?
00:24:44
Speaker
Which to me is the best prompt.
00:24:45
Speaker
There's other ways of like, is there anything that's hard for you to say?
00:24:48
Speaker
Are there thinking, but for me, is there anything that you don't want to tell me?
00:24:52
Speaker
And like, I just go, it almost always, oh, yes.
00:24:57
Speaker
And it could be, you know, when, it's yesterday, I was like, you wanted to clean the sheets.
00:25:08
Speaker
And so you took the sheets off and you put in the laundry and then you left town
00:25:13
Speaker
And that night I was tired and I stumbled into bed and I had to make the bed because you decided to clean the sheets and then you didn't make the bed.
00:25:20
Speaker
Now, is that a big deal?
00:25:21
Speaker
Absolutely not.
00:25:24
Speaker
But it was a thought that I had that caused this little like zing of like, mmh.
00:25:29
Speaker
So I'm like, so now I've said it.
00:25:31
Speaker
She knows that as a human being, I had this thought.
00:25:34
Speaker
It's now totally free from any judgment about her and we can move on.
00:25:38
Speaker
And she trusts me now to say something.
00:25:41
Speaker
If anything happens, she will trust me to go, okay, I'm having this thing that I didn't want to say to you, but I'm going to say it because I love you that much.
00:25:49
Speaker
So amazing.
00:25:50
Speaker
So especially in the domestic realms, so much can come up in partnership.
00:25:54
Speaker
And I want to tack something onto that, that it goes back to the nonviolent communication model is adding the requests that can really create some more understanding and connection, right?
00:26:05
Speaker
Like I noticed that I felt frustrated.
00:26:08
Speaker
I feel my emotion.
00:26:09
Speaker
I felt frustrated that the bed was not made.
00:26:12
Speaker
It's not a big deal, but I really would like to request that.
00:26:15
Speaker
that in the future, if you choose to wash the sheets, it would be really helpful for you to either let me know I need to put them on earlier in the day, or, you know, would you be willing to maybe just take an extra couple minutes and make the bed because of that way I don't go to bed feeling frustrated.
00:26:32
Speaker
You know, that's a really powerful practice.
00:26:35
Speaker
Certainly, certainly.
00:26:36
Speaker
And yeah, just, you know, the idea of finishing a job is kind of a, is, is, is a big thing for me.
00:26:43
Speaker
You know, I try to, I try to not start anything that I'm not able to finish.
00:26:46
Speaker
So, but that whole like, you know, conversation, that asking, is there something that you're, that you're, that you don't want to tell me that is, is we talked about the idea of permission engines.
Personal Transformation Through Honesty
00:26:58
Speaker
And that allows me to, like, you've just been granted a big permission slip to say that thing.
00:27:05
Speaker
And it's such a fantastic inquiry.
00:27:08
Speaker
And that's, you know, that is valuable in so many different areas that I can think of.
00:27:15
Speaker
And moving, yeah, moving further into the idea of, you know, honesty and relationships.
00:27:21
Speaker
There's a saying, I think it's by Anais Nin, I'm not entirely sure, but...
00:27:25
Speaker
It goes something along the lines of if the truth would destroy a thing, then that thing deserves to be destroyed.
00:27:35
Speaker
There's so much that we can have in our lives that we just kind of know that, wow, if everybody's being perfectly honest, this thing is not going to continue to go.
00:27:47
Speaker
Like if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I can't be in this job anymore or I can't have this person as a friend anymore, whatever.
00:27:54
Speaker
And we're happy to kind of live with that.
00:27:58
Speaker
lie for want of a better term or that dishonesty because it's just that the idea of what's on the other side of that is just uncomfortable it's unknown we're we're uncomfortable with the unknown but there's so much goodness that comes from that um that radical honesty that we can we bring that into our lives there's a
00:28:18
Speaker
I'll tell the brief story, leaving the names out, but there was a friend who was going to be participating in their first ayahuasca ceremony that I was helping to set up.
00:28:30
Speaker
And their partner reached out to me privately and said, like, can you tell them that there's no room in this thing?
00:28:36
Speaker
I just don't want them to be in it.
00:28:37
Speaker
They're like, why would you want that?
00:28:40
Speaker
Why would I do that?
00:28:41
Speaker
Because I think they're going to lead me.
00:28:43
Speaker
I'm afraid they're going to lead me if they do the ceremony.
00:28:46
Speaker
And I had this quote fresh in my head, which I did not share with them, but I was like, I can't do that.
00:28:53
Speaker
Whatever is going to come on the other side is going to be best for it.
00:28:56
Speaker
It's going to be to everybody's benefit, ultimately, the ultimate benefit.
00:28:58
Speaker
I believe that.
00:29:00
Speaker
And sure enough, they did the ceremony and I didn't get to check in with them right away, but I saw them the following weekend.
00:29:07
Speaker
I'm like, hey, so how's the integration going?
00:29:10
Speaker
And they were like, yeah, you didn't tell me the whole having to upend every part of my life thing that comes with that medicine.
00:29:17
Speaker
I was like, oh, yeah, that.
00:29:18
Speaker
So she was like, I have to leave my partner.
00:29:21
Speaker
I have to quit my job.
00:29:21
Speaker
I have to move out.
00:29:23
Speaker
I everything is I just I'm not being truthful to myself.
00:29:26
Speaker
I'm not being honest with myself.
00:29:28
Speaker
And that's a scary place to be in just to dive into the unknown.
00:29:32
Speaker
But what came out of that was they ended up finally diving into and committing to their own business, which exploded like the moment she committed to it.
00:29:41
Speaker
She found her perfect partner, marriage, kids, this, that, and the other thing, all the stuff that she was keeping herself from just because you're not living your truth.
00:29:51
Speaker
And that can be a scary thing to do.
00:29:55
Speaker
But, you know, another saying that says, goes something along the lines like your destiny is encountered on the path you take to avoid it.
00:30:05
Speaker
And if we can craft something, it's like, I don't want to face this hard truth.
00:30:09
Speaker
You're going to get there eventually.
00:30:11
Speaker
And it can be painful.
00:30:13
Speaker
The degrees of pain you're going to experience are, you know, directly correlated to the degree you're willing to commit to truth.
00:30:20
Speaker
And that is something that is always going to benefit you in the long run.
00:30:24
Speaker
Oh, that's so good.
00:30:26
Speaker
So I give thousands of these stickers away that say, be present, have integrity, align with love.
00:30:35
Speaker
And I use it as a tool for when I get in my head of like trying to control truth, like what trying to say what I think needs to be said to to get the outcome that I think I need.
00:30:49
Speaker
And so instead, I need to just be present, have integrity, align with love, and then say or act from that place.
00:30:57
Speaker
And when I give it to people, I often make the joke.
00:30:58
Speaker
I say, now my lawyer makes me tell people that you could lose your job or your relationship could end, but I promise you it will lead you to where you're supposed to be.
00:31:06
Speaker
And the truth is the same way.
00:31:09
Speaker
Yes, that's what it's about.
00:31:12
Speaker
Well, indeed, indeed.
00:31:13
Speaker
So powerful.
00:31:15
Speaker
As you guys know, I love starting my days with questions.
00:31:19
Speaker
So affirmations can also be in the form of questions.
00:31:22
Speaker
And the question that's arising for just my own personal self-inquiry is, am I living in my ultimate truth today?
00:31:31
Speaker
Am I really being honest with myself in this particular situation?
00:31:36
Speaker
I think that's a really powerful way to check in with oneself.
00:31:39
Speaker
Am I being honest?
00:31:41
Speaker
and really truthful, am I living my truth?
00:31:44
Speaker
And that can, you're right, it can really bring up a lot because there are certain places where we wanna just go along for the ride and hide and play small or do the things, but life is short, life is short.
00:31:55
Speaker
And it's really important for each of us to be able to bring our most authentic truth to this world.
00:32:00
Speaker
That way we can show up the best way that we can.
00:32:03
Speaker
And if we're compromising our truth or compromising the honesty within our own self, then how is that actually
00:32:10
Speaker
really contributing to a better world, contributing to why we're here, our mission on this planet.
00:32:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:17
Speaker
I was going to, I was going to get to that actually.
00:32:19
Speaker
The, the, you know, but the life is short aspect is like, okay, it was like, what are we, what are we doing?
00:32:24
Speaker
Like, do we, do we think we have forever to get around to this?
00:32:28
Speaker
Because there's a lot of times we realize like, okay, I am not being, this is not what I want.
00:32:34
Speaker
Whether it's, you know, job, relationship, whatever the connection is.
00:32:39
Speaker
Um,
00:32:40
Speaker
If I'm being truthful, this is not what I want, but I am not yet ready to blow this up.
00:32:44
Speaker
So I got to come up with a way to like ease myself out of this or whatever.
00:32:49
Speaker
But the moment we have that realization, we are on the clock because that once we become, if we're committed to authenticity, and I think a lot of the people who listen to us are, they're
00:33:02
Speaker
or at least we're all getting there or working on it.
00:33:05
Speaker
It's yeah.
00:33:06
Speaker
Once we realize like we're not living entirely in our truth.
00:33:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:11
Speaker
The clock is ticking for us to rectify this or to move into a place that's more in alignment because the longer we dilly dally, the it's just, this is going to, the thing that we need to shift is going to shift.
00:33:22
Speaker
We can either shift it or it's going to be shifted for us that getting things shifted for us.
00:33:28
Speaker
doesn't always feel great.
00:33:29
Speaker
It doesn't always result in like if I if I handle this relationship transition or this thing that needs to happen,
00:33:38
Speaker
correctly and integrity and alignment, the idea that we'll be able to remain friends after that is very high as opposed to just putting it off, putting it off.
00:33:48
Speaker
And then all of a sudden it explodes.
00:33:51
Speaker
I've lost a friend.
00:33:52
Speaker
I've lost this and that, any other thing.
00:33:53
Speaker
It's just, it's just a mess that needs to be, that needs to be cleaned up.
00:33:55
Speaker
So living in truth is not easy, but it is highly beneficial to us and everybody else involved.
Living Authentically and the Importance of Integrity
00:34:02
Speaker
The thing we're trying to shift.
00:34:03
Speaker
just breathing that in right there yes wisdom bombs Jonas thank you living in truth is not always easy but it is an essential I had someone yesterday reach out to me and they were telling me they knew that their relationship you know needed to end and had been ongoing for a while in this state and they were
00:34:27
Speaker
saying that they didn't want to hurt the person that they still love.
00:34:33
Speaker
They just know that they can't be together.
00:34:37
Speaker
And they want to protect them from the pain, you know, and all the challenges of, you know, new place to live, new life, all this stuff.
00:34:47
Speaker
And I was I had to really kind of shake him and say, right now, you think you're protecting this person and that you are allowing this person that you say you love to build a life around lies, to build a life around a version of you that is not real.
00:35:07
Speaker
And you also, you have no idea what is on the other side of those challenges for her.
00:35:14
Speaker
You know, this person right now is, they think they're having a certain relationship in a certain life, but you are inflicting this total lie on them without their consent.
00:35:27
Speaker
Whereas if you give them the truth, even if it's pain,
00:35:31
Speaker
They then can go through the pain, their struggle, and grow.
00:35:35
Speaker
That's what life is.
00:35:36
Speaker
You have pain and struggle and you grow.
00:35:38
Speaker
And I said, look, a year ago, I was in love.
00:35:41
Speaker
I had my heart broken.
00:35:43
Speaker
I was at the lowest point in my life.
00:35:44
Speaker
And it led me to where I am right now, as happy as I've ever been in my life.
00:35:50
Speaker
So you cannot use your little ego mind to try to avoid pain and avoid pain in others with deceit and lies because you don't know what's best.
00:36:01
Speaker
Woo.
00:36:02
Speaker
Yes, that's right.
00:36:03
Speaker
Yeah, that's right.
00:36:04
Speaker
And withholding is, is lying, you know, and, you know, it's really interesting to consider where do these lies or withholdings come from?
00:36:12
Speaker
And it comes from fear, fear of hurting another person, fear of, you know, things changing.
00:36:19
Speaker
know it's oftentimes it's very scary to make big changes and so we're just going to operate from from that place of fear and here we are as love ambassadors right and love is not always easy it can be challenging to say the thing or to take the step to do what's right and that is most aligned you know and we can call ourselves out if we're operating from fear
00:36:42
Speaker
Let me get to readjust.
00:36:44
Speaker
And, you know, one of the things that I really love practicing, especially when you're talking about the, you know, lying in relationship or withholding, or, you know, um, not being fully honest.
00:36:55
Speaker
I like to imagine that everyone is psychic.
00:36:58
Speaker
That is a really fun practice.
00:37:00
Speaker
Like everybody can hear what I'm thinking.
00:37:03
Speaker
If everybody can hear what I'm thinking, you guys know what I'm thinking.
00:37:07
Speaker
Then I want my thoughts to be in the highest integrity.
00:37:10
Speaker
That is of love.
00:37:11
Speaker
That is of kindness.
00:37:12
Speaker
right?
00:37:12
Speaker
Because it is, we are all connected and it's very likely true, right?
00:37:17
Speaker
If you're in a relationship that is not serving, then it's likely that other person is having some thoughts too.
00:37:23
Speaker
How much are your, your, um, higher selves having a conversation, right?
00:37:29
Speaker
And so that's been a really, really beautiful way to hold myself in integrity, to be honest and to be true is just imagining you all already know what I'm thinking anyway.
00:37:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:43
Speaker
And just kind of recognizing that, yeah, you can, you know, you can see the, you'll be able to see the truth on my face or, you know, people like where am I hard on my sleeve?
00:37:53
Speaker
There's, there's, there's like vulnerability is a superpower and just being like authentic, even when it's, you know, telling you that what's the, what's the saying?
00:38:01
Speaker
Like tell the truth, even if your voice cracks, like just really finding, finding that courage to, you
00:38:07
Speaker
Love the other, the other person enough to be honest with them, tell them the truth and kind of overcome our own fears.
00:38:14
Speaker
You know, that, that childhood, you know, urge to be liked, you know, kind of leads us to tell lies in order to get liked because we don't want to, because it's the fear of being disliked.
00:38:24
Speaker
Um,
00:38:24
Speaker
But, you know, the more the more we're like more solid in ourselves.
00:38:28
Speaker
And at the end of the day, we can look at ourselves in the mirror and be like, I was in my highest integrity all day today.
00:38:34
Speaker
I told I said some hard difficult truths.
00:38:37
Speaker
I did some challenging things and I feel pretty good about myself about that.
00:38:41
Speaker
So, yeah, that that individual integrity feels really good at the end of the day.
00:38:46
Speaker
Well, and it can be so liberating to let go of the assignment to do and say the things that you need to say to be liked.
00:38:57
Speaker
You know, because that's like you're auditioning constantly, you know, but instead you're just honest and trust.
00:39:04
Speaker
It's like I think Ron Boss had something about like, you know, if you're going to if you're going to judge me based on what I'm trying or pretending to do.
00:39:14
Speaker
I mean, that makes sense.
00:39:15
Speaker
But if you're going to judge me based on my truth and who I truly am.
00:39:20
Speaker
That's like judging the color of a flower or the shape of a cloud.
00:39:24
Speaker
It's crazy.
00:39:25
Speaker
It's totally in your head.
00:39:28
Speaker
I had an interesting experience.
00:39:29
Speaker
So I'm actually meeting my partner's parents later today.
00:39:34
Speaker
And they have, or at least her mom has been, she's read my book and she's been listening to my daily broadcasts.
00:39:42
Speaker
And so I've had to go to this process of like, okay, okay.
00:39:46
Speaker
I'm at peace with this.
00:39:47
Speaker
You know, like, did I say things that I, if we were having dinner together, would I say to my partner's parents?
00:39:53
Speaker
Absolutely not.
00:39:54
Speaker
I would be on my best behavior, but I'm kind of feel awesome that like I have, I have gotten nothing to hide.
00:40:00
Speaker
I have, this is, this is, she, she has heard and seen me in my truth.
00:40:04
Speaker
It's like what Mark Twain said, you know, if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said.
00:40:11
Speaker
I've got no script, nothing I need to pretend.
00:40:13
Speaker
I just got to keep being me.
00:40:14
Speaker
And whatever the reactions are is outside of my control.
00:40:18
Speaker
It's freeing.
00:40:20
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:40:20
Speaker
That is so powerful.
00:40:22
Speaker
You are such a role model in the realm of allowing yourself to be seen in the fullness of who you are.
00:40:29
Speaker
Every bit of the spectrum, you have really modeled that to your community and to your followers.
00:40:36
Speaker
For those of you that haven't gotten to know Halcyon very well,
00:40:40
Speaker
Go on his Facebook page and scroll for a few minutes.
00:40:42
Speaker
You'll get to learn so much.
00:40:44
Speaker
You really have been such a beautiful inspiration in that way of just, yeah, being honest.
00:40:51
Speaker
This is who I am.
00:40:51
Speaker
And if whether you like it or not, that's okay.
00:40:54
Speaker
I'm going to keep being who I am.
00:40:56
Speaker
That's a really beautiful way that you allow your honest truth be seen.
00:41:01
Speaker
And what I find is what we're talking about here is that, you know, if you...
00:41:08
Speaker
If you trust people, you show people, I'm going to trust you with the truth.
Balancing Honesty and Harmony in Relationships
00:41:13
Speaker
And even if it's like, whoa, there is something that happens when you go, oh, you trusted me with that.
00:41:18
Speaker
Okay.
00:41:19
Speaker
All right.
00:41:19
Speaker
We now have a deeper connection.
00:41:21
Speaker
Even people that I've never met, you know, like when we do meet, like they know I'm not, I don't have my teeth.
00:41:28
Speaker
I've got my, you know, my throat bared.
00:41:31
Speaker
Like, look, I trust you.
00:41:32
Speaker
I trust you.
00:41:32
Speaker
And that allows for a deep connection quickly with people.
00:41:35
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:41:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:38
Speaker
And also just really considering our own intuition is really important too, because if it is not safe to share our truth, then it's important to know when and where's right timing, you know, sometimes it might not be safe to share certain relationships.
00:41:55
Speaker
It's not a good environment to actually share how you're really feeling because it might actually create more trauma or disconnect or violence.
00:42:04
Speaker
You know, and so using our intuition to be able to know when and where, right?
00:42:10
Speaker
And certain times it might be important to just simplify and pause and just be with whatever it is that's coming up, you know, right?
00:42:19
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's really important.
00:42:21
Speaker
I'm glad you said that because when we're talking about the sharing of honesty, it's in the pursuit of deep honesty and trust.
00:42:29
Speaker
And there are many relationships in our life where harmony and safety is more important.
00:42:35
Speaker
You know, like you might have workplace environments where it's like, no, what I want in this relationship is not soul deep connection and intimacy.
00:42:43
Speaker
What I want is harmony.
00:42:46
Speaker
So they don't need to know everything about me.
00:42:48
Speaker
You know, you might have relationships in your family where you're like, you know, they don't need to know everything about me.
00:42:52
Speaker
Now, I think that if you have stuff in your box within your family, at some point in your life, you're probably going to have the thought, could I risk letting them see all of me and see what happens?
00:43:06
Speaker
But again, you're right, that is a safety thing.
00:43:08
Speaker
That is a harmony thing.
00:43:08
Speaker
And we make those choices in all of our relationships.
00:43:12
Speaker
Yeah, it's an important aspect to it to bring up.
00:43:15
Speaker
So thank you again, Betsy, for that, because, yeah, sometimes we got to kind of keep it close to the vest a little bit.
00:43:22
Speaker
We might be we might surprise ourselves because I've had a friend who was like, I couldn't possibly be honest with my parents about this, about this thing that we were she and I were doing together.
00:43:30
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:32
Speaker
But then I met her parents and I just happened to drop that I was like doing this thing.
00:43:36
Speaker
And her parents like, oh, that sounds great.
00:43:38
Speaker
You should do that.
00:43:40
Speaker
Like, you should do that with her.
00:43:41
Speaker
She's like, uh, yeah.
00:43:42
Speaker
I'm like, yes, you should do that with me.
00:43:44
Speaker
And she's like, maybe I will a little bit.
00:43:46
Speaker
And she was like, mind was blown.
00:43:48
Speaker
It was like, wow, I had no idea.
00:43:49
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, give people, you know, give people a chance to surprise you.
00:43:53
Speaker
Yes, there, there is that.
00:43:55
Speaker
And then also recognize, like once we become to the point where we get to the point where, um,
00:44:01
Speaker
Okay, I got to be truthful.
00:44:02
Speaker
I got to be honest.
00:44:04
Speaker
Be able to read the room as well and know when it's time to, if it's all clear, it feels like it's good time, by all means, let your truth fly.
00:44:14
Speaker
But really recognize, like, okay, I need to actually kind of hold on to this for a little bit until there will be a better time.
00:44:21
Speaker
And if we're being truthful about that to ourselves, we can kind of follow that practice.
00:44:25
Speaker
But be sure that we are being truthful to ourselves about that and not just kicking the can down the road.
00:44:30
Speaker
as well.
00:44:30
Speaker
It's important.
00:44:31
Speaker
And I think versions of nonviolent communication can be helpful in those type of reveals as well.
00:44:37
Speaker
You know, if your truth is when you did this as a kid, I always, you know, like, no, no, no, like, but you can use nonviolent communication to explain how I had, you know, your experiences and I'm not a scholar in it, but just that the energy of nonviolent communication can be used in when you are sharing your truth.
00:44:57
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
00:44:58
Speaker
And then checking in with what is the intention for wanting to share?
Intentions and Techniques for Sharing Truths
00:45:03
Speaker
Like you shared, Halcyon, is it harmony?
00:45:06
Speaker
Is it deeper connection?
00:45:08
Speaker
You know, if I have something coming up that I am processing and I feel like I need to share it with somebody.
00:45:16
Speaker
Is it because I need to feel right or is it because I need to feel seen?
00:45:21
Speaker
Is there something deeper in there for me that wants to build deeper connection?
00:45:26
Speaker
Like what, yeah, what is my intention for wanting to share a truth?
00:45:30
Speaker
Right.
00:45:30
Speaker
And I'll give an example is that I had a relationship where we,
00:45:36
Speaker
We had been together for many years and then towards the end when we broke up, we were like, you know, we're going to have a meeting and we're going to share all of the things that we actually feel.
00:45:45
Speaker
I'm going to be really honest with you.
00:45:46
Speaker
And it was like very resentful and really like coming from that place of like we'd been holding on to all of this stuff.
00:45:54
Speaker
And it actually was very revealing to us that we both were like, wow, we both have been holding on to this stuff for so long.
00:46:01
Speaker
why didn't we actually create the safe, a safe space to share how we were really feeling, you know, and it actually turned into a really big lesson for both of us going forward and other relationships to like do these different practices.
00:46:13
Speaker
Like you shared Halcyon around, um,
00:46:17
Speaker
you know, having the safe place to communicate with your partner, hey, is there anything that you're not saying?
00:46:22
Speaker
And I think we've referenced the Multi-Amory podcast before where they promote something called a radar, and it is for intimate relationships.
00:46:31
Speaker
And I think it can be used in family dynamics as well to create a consistent check-in.
00:46:38
Speaker
Like, so once a month, for example, we're going to have our radar, which is like putting a radar on anything that
00:46:44
Speaker
might need to be cleared like is there something that needs to be shared here that um that we can work through and you know it can be very healthy whereas that previous part of me that younger version that was in a relationship we didn't have that tool so we just kind of would internalize it and then it would come out as like little daggers of um you know just kind of
00:47:10
Speaker
subconscious kind of manipulations or withholding or passive aggressive conversations, you know, because we didn't actually know how to be honest with one another.
00:47:21
Speaker
So the tools that we learn really can be supportive.
00:47:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:26
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:27
Speaker
There's something I wanted to run by you guys that was triggered by what Halcyon mentioned.
00:47:35
Speaker
And we might be getting close to wrapping up soon, but I wanted to touch on this.
00:47:41
Speaker
You mentioned the process of like the thing you had with your partner about making the bed.
00:47:48
Speaker
And my, my personal approach for that is like, there's, there's a lot of stuff that we have that is like just our stuff, our little peccadilloes, our own little OCD.
00:47:59
Speaker
And it's not that you're not that your situation was falling into this category, but there's a lot of stuff that I look at in the world.
00:48:05
Speaker
That's a lot of my, a lot of my stuff that is my stuff.
00:48:08
Speaker
And I tried not to burden my partner with some, with certainly not all of it, but there's something that I'm like, all right, if I just,
00:48:17
Speaker
work this out myself.
00:48:18
Speaker
I don't need to necessarily bring it up to my partner.
00:48:22
Speaker
This like, you know, this, and the idea under the, under the guise of being honest about my feelings and, you know, stuff.
00:48:29
Speaker
So, and it goes to, you know, what Betsy also mentioned about the, the radar framework of relationship, which is, which is, which is something worth like anybody listening right now is not familiar with it.
00:48:39
Speaker
It's definitely worth looking up.
00:48:41
Speaker
I find that when my partner and I have an idea, like we scheduled a radar, like, hey, we're going to have a monthly talk this Sunday.
00:48:48
Speaker
And the stuff that I want to bring up in between that time and the time Sunday rolls around, I have worked out the thing that I was already annoyed about.
00:48:56
Speaker
So I don't feel like it needs to come up because I had a couple days to just kind of sit with it, process and be like, all right, that's just me and my stuff.
00:49:04
Speaker
I'm fine.
00:49:04
Speaker
I don't need to present this to my partner for something else to look at and analyze and talk about.
00:49:09
Speaker
I can just, I'm over it already.
00:49:11
Speaker
So, and it's not something I feel like I'm putting into a box, as we mentioned before.
00:49:16
Speaker
So I'm just wondering how you guys feel about that.
00:49:18
Speaker
Are you guys in the idea like, okay, this is me and my Betsy-ness.
00:49:22
Speaker
I'm just going to work out here as opposed to give it to them.
00:49:26
Speaker
Or are you guys like, no, we got to talk about it.
00:49:28
Speaker
It's going to come up.
00:49:30
Speaker
Where are you guys at with that?
00:49:32
Speaker
Oh yeah, absolutely.
00:49:33
Speaker
Checking in with self first is really powerful.
00:49:36
Speaker
Like, is this mine?
00:49:37
Speaker
Is this a projection?
00:49:39
Speaker
Am I, you know, seeing this person as a reflection of me and taking that time to really be with it.
00:49:45
Speaker
And I think, you know, what you're speaking to is really powerful because you have a specific point on your future timeline that you're going to be able to have that clearing or space to connect at least.
00:49:56
Speaker
And then that gives you the more motivation to really check in.
00:50:00
Speaker
You know, where can I actually take responsibility for this part?
00:50:05
Speaker
And also, is this mind to share?
00:50:08
Speaker
Is this going to bring value to this other person?
00:50:10
Speaker
Or is this going to bring value to our relationship by me sharing?
00:50:13
Speaker
Or is this actually going to create more distance and frustration?
00:50:18
Speaker
I think those are really powerful places to inquire before trying to like just, you know, spew our honesty.
00:50:24
Speaker
This is how I really feel.
00:50:27
Speaker
You know, it's yeah, self responsibility.
00:50:29
Speaker
It's interesting because I think
00:50:32
Speaker
I definitely think, you know, the process of going through the trigger, the reaction and figuring, oh, is this just my stuff is absolutely critical.
00:50:44
Speaker
But even if it is all my stuff, I still think it can be a healthy thing to share.
00:50:50
Speaker
I think it can be an intimacy thing to say like, hey, you know, I got worked up, you know, like, or even jokingly, like, oh my gosh, you know, last night I stubbed my toe and I had the thought, I, I,
00:51:02
Speaker
I blamed you because you went to bed early and I was being quiet.
00:51:07
Speaker
And because I was quiet, I didn't turn on the light.
00:51:08
Speaker
And so I stubbed my toe.
00:51:09
Speaker
And so I had this feeling of being angry at you.
00:51:11
Speaker
Now, I'm not asking that there's no request, but there is this insight into, you know, I'm not trying to protect you from the thoughts that I'm having.
00:51:22
Speaker
And I also think that if it is a request that,
00:51:27
Speaker
and it's said in the right way, you're allowing the other person the ability to be a hero in your story, you know, to do something that is a gift for you.
00:51:37
Speaker
So, I mean, it'd be different if I demanded something or I was angry, but by saying, you know,
00:51:44
Speaker
I had this moment when I crawled into bed, you know, like next time I would love it if you would tell me that the sheets need to be changed.
00:51:53
Speaker
Now, turns out she did say that, that I'm leaving you with the sheet stud on and I didn't hear her.
00:51:59
Speaker
So I had to joke and say, oh, I never listened to you anyways, babe.
00:52:02
Speaker
Sorry about that.
00:52:05
Speaker
Ouch!
00:52:05
Speaker
That's not true.
00:52:06
Speaker
That's just a little insight into our dynamic of humor that we have.
00:52:09
Speaker
Okay.
00:52:13
Speaker
But I think, you know, I think for me, there still can be a benefit in just giving someone an insight into the way my mind gets triggered and the way that I have the thoughts.
00:52:23
Speaker
When I have that perspective of I'm through this thing and look at this wild, crazy thing that my ego did, you know, yesterday.
00:52:33
Speaker
Amazing.
00:52:33
Speaker
You know, I love this conversation.
00:52:36
Speaker
I could feel a spiraling.
00:52:38
Speaker
There's more, there's so much more in this conversation.
00:52:41
Speaker
And I love how we kind of come to our decisions on how to, you know, what, what's the topic going to be on and then just being surprised on what comes through.
00:52:49
Speaker
And so this morning when we were talking about the topic of honesty, it was like, let's see.
00:52:54
Speaker
And here we are.
00:52:55
Speaker
I feel like love to start to wrap it up here.
00:52:59
Speaker
Maybe we'll have another future conversation about it.
00:53:01
Speaker
Love to hear from you guys out there as well around what's sparking for you.
00:53:05
Speaker
But in tradition of Stay Sparked, let's do some closing sparks, shall we?
00:53:09
Speaker
Yes.
00:53:13
Speaker
The thing that's popping in my head right now is a clothing spark.
00:53:16
Speaker
This incredible book of life lessons from a lion tamer, or excuse me, a lion tracker.
00:53:22
Speaker
He speaks about the master tracker is this person that he speaks of who is the same person in every setting.
00:53:29
Speaker
At a dinner party, out in the wild, he's just totally at peace with who he is and is honest.
00:53:36
Speaker
He's never trying to pretend to be anything.
00:53:39
Speaker
And to me, that's like the goal of life.
00:53:41
Speaker
And the only way you get there is through honesty.
00:53:44
Speaker
You know, removing the filter of thinking about what's the right thing to do here and just being yourself, which is way harder than I think we think.
00:53:55
Speaker
But it's the path to intimacy and self-love.
00:54:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:54:20
Speaker
It's true that we might find things, people, situations kind of dropping off of or dropping out of our lives.
00:54:29
Speaker
And our container of concern becomes a little narrower, becomes a little smaller because it becomes less about quantity and more about quality.
00:54:41
Speaker
And there's just really not...
00:54:43
Speaker
know it's hard it's hard to have a massive container of quality it's like that's also like just has a lot in it so we so we're we come we become more concerned with with quality so that's becomes a bit of a you know kind of a fear-based kind of thing like oh if i'm walking if i'm walking in my truth you know people aren't gonna like me or people gonna fall away it's like well the people who who are stick around are the ones who
00:55:07
Speaker
really like you the ones who really get you and love you and adore you and want to hear what you have to say and want to see what you have to offer in this world and that's being surrounded by that even if it's like 10 people is much
00:55:22
Speaker
greater and deeper runs deeper than being surrounded by a hundred acquaintances who only like you when you say the right thing or when you'd sing the right song, so to speak.
00:55:30
Speaker
So, um, so yeah, things might be, things are going to look different if you, once we really start to walk in our truth, but that walk is, it's, is that, that path is covered in rose petals and it's, um, it feels really good.
00:55:45
Speaker
And the scenery there is, is pretty fantastic.
00:55:48
Speaker
So, um, stay courageous for that.
00:55:52
Speaker
Yes, I love that so much.
00:55:55
Speaker
I will share my closing spark from this conversation is tending to the garden of our own inner landscape, right?
00:56:03
Speaker
It's cleaning up any weeds, clearing out places that we're not being in integrity with ourself, cleaning out any places that we are making unnecessary excuses that are actually coming from fear.
00:56:17
Speaker
Right.
00:56:18
Speaker
And those little tiny things, like we talked about the text messaging, right?
00:56:21
Speaker
It's like those cleaning up those little things in all of our relationships and every day in every way.
00:56:27
Speaker
then we get to be in greater alignment to our own integrity.
00:56:32
Speaker
And then that just creates a ripple effect of goodness in our relationships and in the world, right?
00:56:37
Speaker
It's like, we want a better world.
00:56:39
Speaker
And it really starts with our own inner process and how we act towards one another.
00:56:45
Speaker
Right.
00:56:46
Speaker
And so I think that that is one of the biggest and most transformative practices every day in every way, just being in integrity.
00:56:57
Speaker
That's, that's my closing spark.
00:56:59
Speaker
So hopefully, yeah, hopefully y'all out there are feeling some sparks, feeling some inspiration to continue to live in your truth, whatever that might mean for you.
00:57:10
Speaker
And I'd love to close this out.
00:57:14
Speaker
Also, if anyone out there would like to start to work with us or to just even learn more about us.
00:57:21
Speaker
So Anis, would you let our listeners know where they can find you?
00:57:26
Speaker
Certainly.
00:57:27
Speaker
I have a nutritional supplement company called New World Nutritionals, spelled N-U-World Nutritionals.com.
00:57:34
Speaker
And we have products designed to help elevate and improve your state of mind.
00:57:39
Speaker
Definitely is a mood enhancer, but also improves your...
00:57:43
Speaker
You know, things like learning, memory retention helps alleviate symptoms of ADHD, even PTSD, forms of dementia, anxiety, anything neurological.
00:57:53
Speaker
It improves that they're all mushroom based products.
00:57:55
Speaker
And you can find us online also on Facebook and Instagram.
00:57:59
Speaker
New World with an with a U. And you can use the code Spark for 10% off of all of our products.
00:58:06
Speaker
That's Spark.
00:58:07
Speaker
S.P.A.R.K.E.D.
00:58:09
Speaker
Correct.
00:58:11
Speaker
Amazing.
00:58:12
Speaker
Thank you, Jonas.
00:58:12
Speaker
How about you, Halcyon?
00:58:14
Speaker
You can find me and my goodies at johnston.com, J-O-H-N-S-T-Y-N, which includes things like I'm doing a live gathering workshop day and evening festivity in January, January 2nd, 13th, 14th.
00:58:33
Speaker
as well as there's an offer for a free sticker the sticker that i showed here the be present have integrity align with love if you uh there's a little little link there to get a free sticker sent to you and oh so many other good things so check me out and let's stay connected yeah yeah amazing awesome and you guys can find more of my goodies and offerings in the world wide web on poweraffirmation.com which is my
00:58:58
Speaker
company and project that really helps to inspire tools for sustainable happiness, cultivating a deeper, more loving relationship with self, which then ripples out into the world.
00:59:10
Speaker
So you can find the journal and some audio affirmations and some other ways that you can work with me one-on-one virtually.
00:59:18
Speaker
And then also I love working with people in person.
00:59:21
Speaker
I'm a holistic art, healing arts practitioner doing body work.
00:59:25
Speaker
gravity-assisted body wear, cranial sacral, lots of wonderful modalities.
00:59:31
Speaker
I love just creating a nourishing, nurturing experience for deep transformation and healing.
00:59:37
Speaker
So you can find more of my offerings as well on finkelhoo.com, which is my last name.
00:59:43
Speaker
So check me out, say hello, love hearing from you guys.
00:59:47
Speaker
And also a little free gift in the show notes as an audio affirmation for you guys to
00:59:52
Speaker
Use your affirmations to uplift and inspire.
00:59:57
Speaker
And on that note, I always love closing out with an affirmation.
01:00:02
Speaker
So welcome to join me on this one, inspired by today's conversation.
01:00:08
Speaker
So you can, if you like, place your hand on your heart, maybe close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you and start to take a deep breath.
01:00:19
Speaker
Every day in every way I am living in integrity to my truth.
01:00:24
Speaker
Every day in every way I am living in integrity to my truth.
01:00:30
Speaker
That might always be changing as well.
01:00:33
Speaker
Every day in every way I am living in integrity with my truth.
01:00:40
Speaker
It is easy for me to clear out any ways in which that I'm not living in my truth.
01:00:46
Speaker
It is getting easier and easier for me to clear out any ways in which that I might not be living in my truth.
01:00:52
Speaker
I am an honest person.
01:00:54
Speaker
I am a loving person.
01:00:55
Speaker
I'm kind and I am making a positive difference in the world.
01:01:01
Speaker
And so it is.
01:01:03
Speaker
Thank you all so much for listening.
01:01:05
Speaker
Thank you guys for this amazing sparked conversation.
01:01:11
Speaker
Stay smart people.