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Getting Your Sexual 'Spark' Back
137 Plays16 days ago
Today we're joined by Elana Auerbach, author of The Sure Thing. Elana gives some great insights on what to do when the sexual spark is absent in a relationship. She goes over helpful strategies, how to create a 'sure thing' ritual, and how to re-spark curiosity. You can find her at @elana.auerbach on Instagram or at https://surethingexperiment.com/
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Transcript
Introduction & Guest Introduction
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Fun With Sex podcast. I'm here with a very special guest to discuss what to do when you lose the spark.
00:00:13
Speaker
I think this is such an important topic. um It applies to people from all walks of life and it's something that I get asked about a lot. I'm sure a lot of people in this field get asked about a lot.
00:00:26
Speaker
So without further ado, would you like to introduce yourself, Alana? Sure. Well, first, thank you so much, Nat, for having me. It's really fun to be on Fun With Sex.
00:00:37
Speaker
And my name is Ilana Auerbach, and I am I'm a mother. I'm a lover. I'm a mentor. I'm an ordained priestess. I'm an activist. I, um ah you know, ah a recovering, um what shall I say? so So many recovering things of being disembodied and disassociated. I studied math and economics at university and worked on Wall Street and kind of was on this conveyor belt of life until my early thirty s And ah when i
00:01:10
Speaker
ah really had an awakening experience and ah left my first marriage, had the courage to say no to this person who I accepted his proposal,
00:01:22
Speaker
when i was on that conveyor belt really disassociated and doing what other people wanted it me to do as opposed to finding what was true in myself. It was the that was the most courageous thing I'd ever done at that time. And sidebar, he's happily remarried with two kids. And i mean, this was this was many years ago, decades ago.
Challenges in Relationships
00:01:44
Speaker
However, ah and that's when I started exploring sensuality, exploring sexuality, exploring what it was that I wanted. um What makes me happy? And often the answer would be, I don't know.
00:01:58
Speaker
And so it was a process to cultivate that muscle of what it what do I really want? And while I was exploring sensuality in the San Francisco Bay Area, I met my beloved.
00:02:12
Speaker
We started in an open relationship for a couple of years. That was a wild ride. And then closed the relationship and have been in a monogamous relationship now for over 20 years. We had a kid.
00:02:25
Speaker
and like as you said at the top of the show here. After, I mean we had so much chemistry, sparks flying. We started in this um this pleasure community where we met, they called it research partners. Two people who were exploring pleasure and sex and orgasm without the constraints of having to be in a formalized relationship.
00:02:49
Speaker
So we started out as research partners, super hot. And then we have the kid, the responsibilities, the focus on the child and our cosmic sex life kind of took away back in the bus seat.
00:03:03
Speaker
And so we tried everything. We really um tried everything. We loved each other. We still love each other. And we're really good together. We're good life partners.
00:03:17
Speaker
But yet nothing was re-sparking that connection between us. And you know like most couples, we are different. Like actually, i was corrected by a sex therapist recently when I was interviewed by her saying 100% of couples have different desire levels.
00:03:35
Speaker
100%. Right? you' would agree with that. so So of course, we have different desire levels. And so and even I'm the one with the higher desire.
00:03:46
Speaker
There was resentment that built up over years of getting rejected. then when he would approach, then I would be like, You know, screw you, no way. huh Even though i wanted it, but it was, you know, it's just all of that gunk.
00:04:01
Speaker
So I came up with with this idea with a friend who wanted a consort on on Saturdays. Saturdays is the Shabbat in the Jewish tradition. It's the holiest day of the week, right? From sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday.
00:04:19
Speaker
And I learned when I was in Hebrew high school that you get a double mitzvah, a double good deed if you have sex on Shabbat. Oh, nice. We love the sex positivity of some interpretations of the Jewish tradition. It's a wonderful thing.
00:04:33
Speaker
And so she wanted to get her double mitzvah. She was a single mom at the time. And I said, well, dang, girl, I want that too. I want to have my, and we call it a Shabbat unification ritual, a sure thing. Who doesn't want thing?
00:04:47
Speaker
Well, it took me almost two years, Nat, to invite my spouse into the practice because there was so much buildup. But I finally did. It was winter solstice, the longest night of the year ah in December in the Northern Hemisphere 2020.
00:05:03
Speaker
And i I gave some advice to a friend and I took my own advice by asking him after we had we made love because I invited
Weekly Intimacy Practice
00:05:10
Speaker
him in. Our son had a drum lesson. We made love. And afterwards, I said, honey, how would you like to deepen an intimacy, connection and pleasure every week together?
00:05:23
Speaker
He's like, sure, sugar, that sounds great. And so began this practice that we've now done for over five years, a weekly practice, sometimes it's more than weekly, but at least weekly where the whole conversation of, am I in the mood? Am I not in the mood? Are we going to have sex? Are we not?
00:05:42
Speaker
Is off the table because now we just turn towards each other with our intention of deepening in intimacy, connection and pleasure. Do we have sex?
00:05:53
Speaker
Absolutely, we often have sex. Do other orgasms involved? Absolutely. There are often orgasms involved, but it's not required. and Yeah. It's only required for us to fulfill our commitment to the practice, which is turning towards each other and having fun in our bodies.
00:06:15
Speaker
What's going to be most pleasurable? So about six months into this weekly practice, after which often ended with a high five because we're so simple and unbelievable how all of the built up literally over a decade of withholds and ah resentments almost disappeared.
00:06:36
Speaker
Yeah. In weeks or less, because it's like all that stuff doesn't exist anyway. It's just we bring it back right in our minds, all that is here and now. And what we knew was that we had this weekly practice we could rely
Writing 'The Sure Thing'
00:06:50
Speaker
on. So I said, I turned to my spouse and I said, babe, i think I'm going to have to write a book about this because this has been such a miracle. I want to share this with the world.
00:06:59
Speaker
And so fast forward, you know, almost five years, four and a half years later, the book just came out. The Sure Thing, A Pleasure pack Practice to Revive the Spark.
00:07:11
Speaker
Yes, I love that. And thank you for sharing your own story too, because I think that's so important with all of this. um is There's kind of such a stigma for a lot of people surrounding when they are in this phase, in this reality of life, ah you know, the spark isn't there, or at least they feel it's not there.
00:07:33
Speaker
they don't feel desired or, you know, them and their partner are kind of like you said in this cat and mouse game of having different drives and kind of, I don't want to initiate, but they don't initiate.
00:07:47
Speaker
I feel like I'm asking all the time and they're not. um And I think there's a real stigma surrounding that. And i think that's a big thing that a lot of people need to unpack and really get comfortable with, I would say, is the first step, is getting comfortable with the fact that they are in this phase, that the spark is gone, and to not feel ashamed of it is the biggest thing.
Natural Passion in Long-term Relationships
00:08:15
Speaker
There's been a lot of studies on it. um Around 10 to 20% of couples are in a sexless marriage, and then around 72% of couples lack daily intimacy. so when it comes to
00:08:31
Speaker
kind of getting comfortable with that idea that there is a lack of a spark. What would you recommend for people? Yeah, it's a wonderful question. is first of all, to recognize you are not alone.
00:08:45
Speaker
In fact, you are in the vast majority. Once i started talking about this and sharing with my friends and community and clients, then all of a sudden everybody is telling me how they they haven't had sex in three years with their spouse. They haven't had sex in this long. They have you know they haven't kissed. they haven't you But nobody was telling me this before.
00:09:08
Speaker
like we We are all kind of suffering in silence and isolation because we feel ashamed. And there's nothing to be ashamed of because it's completely natural.
00:09:21
Speaker
It is completely natural that that upwelling passion. passion and lust when we first meet someone who we have chemistry with that, of course, that that is going to taper off. There are there have been studies done that neurologically, like, you know, thank goodness those, you know, like ah some couples last it's like two or three years is really the maximum that that kind of level of, um you know, the brain firing these these neurochemicals.
00:09:53
Speaker
will last that will really keep you in that state of of lust and you know desire you know heightened heightened desire and then it tapers off And that's the normal, absolutely normal pathway of a long-term relationship. You aren't, because you know each other, you're, you know, you're, you're farting with each other, you're burping with each other, you're having like upset stomachs, you're, you know, you're just getting more and more intimate with each other. So what happens is that we, um that that passion,
00:10:28
Speaker
That was right. That was there at the beginning. We think because of the Hollywood movies and everything, on her because nobody talks about it, that we think it's supposed to last. And actually, it's not supposed to last. What we need is to be taught how to cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with our beloved.
Impact of Shame and Empowerment
00:10:51
Speaker
And no one ever teaches us about that. And we get caught in this cycle of shame. And really shame is used, I mean, shame is certainly used um against women. I have a whole chapter on shame in the book. And I just like to, if I can just read something, for a little excerpt from the book. Yeah.
00:11:11
Speaker
Shame is intrinsically repressive, and it's used to try to keep us silent, obedient, and confined. It's similar to the age-old patriarchal strategy of divide and conquer, which is sown in fear.
00:11:26
Speaker
This strategy manipulates people to ensure they're in continuous conflict with one another rather than turning their attention and collective power against the ruling elites to create a just society. So we see this when the powers that be, we see this right now with you know, the Trump administration turning the anti-immigrant policies, anti-Trump policies, all of that is using a scapegoat, you know, so that we turn against them. Shame is exploited in a similar way to fear.
00:11:59
Speaker
The difference is that instead of turning on someone else, you know, also the patriarchy pits women against each other, you know, we're competing for the man, right? No, no, we're not. We're rising up. The you know the more radiant you are the more radiant I am, you know, because we are in a reflection of each other.
00:12:18
Speaker
However, that's not what we've been indoctrinated into. So shame is used that instead of turning on each other, we turn on ourselves. And so we then and then it causes isolation and um disconnection. And and which is what we so we find in long term couples who are not talking. They feel ashamed about it. And they are this judgment of what our sex life is supposed to be like based on some fantasy.
00:12:49
Speaker
Right. That's not real. That then we judge ourselves to that standard. That is a false standard to begin with. And and so the first thing is to name the shame, is to name it so we can see it for what it is, that it is it is ah ah it is used to weaponize, to to shut us down.
00:13:14
Speaker
and to repress us. Okay? Because when we're repressed, when we're not in our sexual empowerment, when in our sensual expression, then we are not fully embodied in our our full our full power, power as love.
00:13:32
Speaker
And so, of course, to keep the status quo, we got to pe keep that energy down. I believe that sexual energy is is some of the most potent energy on the planet.
00:13:49
Speaker
And so the powers that be, if you will, to keep the status quo need to kind of bamboozle us into repressing that.
00:14:01
Speaker
And so we say, no, no, no, no longer. we are not going to fall for it. We're going to have a revolution of awakening the Shakti, awakening that Kundalini energy, that sensuality, that desire by saying, I want this. And so that's, the I think the first thing is to Name the shame, and I even have a game in the book that I call name the shame game.
00:14:29
Speaker
And so it's it's a few steps. it's The rules are this. First, when when shame when you sense shame in yourself or someone else, take a deep breath and you can greet it and say, hello, shame, it's been a minute.
00:14:43
Speaker
yeah And then you start to discern whose voice is it? Is it a parent? Is it an authority figure? Is it the puritanical patriarchy? Is it some voice inside of you?
00:14:58
Speaker
Who are you afraid will judge you? So if you share about how there's no sex in your marriage, who or in your relationship, and it hasn't you you haven't had sex in however long it's been, who are you afraid will judge you, and are you judging yourself?
00:15:17
Speaker
And then you name it, you're like, that is shame. And that is trying to shut me down. And that's how we start to free ourselves from the shackle of shame. Because as soon as it's named, we can see it for its attempt to smother and repress us.
00:15:33
Speaker
And so first we go, okay, no, free ourselves. There's nothing. This is natural. Yeah, we have a sexless marriage right now. And then Attune to what it is that you want.
00:15:47
Speaker
Do you want something different? Do you want closeness with your partner? And if the answer is yes, fantastic, fabulous. Focus on what it is you want because that is possible and it happens.
00:16:01
Speaker
in having a practice. I mean, certainly the sure thing is one way that me and many others have found a way back to intimacy in in a long-term relationship. And it it's happens in having a plan, you know, having a weekly practice. And it also happens in the moments of when you, it just, you can,
00:16:26
Speaker
have an intimate moment with your partner the and simmer, which is um something that, um ah Steven Snyder, who wrote Love Worth Making, talks about in his book about keeping like the energy between you and your beloved on a simmer. And maybe that's like, you know, give him a little squeeze like in that when you're in the kitchen or when you're passing by each other or like give him a little kiss on the ear or just a little a little simmer, a little kind of, you know, you could kind of say a tease, but I love that word simmer.
00:17:03
Speaker
And yeah just begin turn towards each other. And it could be as simple as like taking a moment, looking at your beloved in the eye when you're just in the kitchen and cooking together and just maybe touching their face gently.
00:17:18
Speaker
it with a Without any expectation of this being leading to any kind of sexual anything, just beginning to cultivate closeness with each other.
00:17:31
Speaker
I totally agree. i love that idea of the simmer. One of the things i always love to say is that foreplay doesn't begin and end in the bedroom or even with the intention of having sex. Foreplay can be throughout the day, um which I know is easier or harder depending on your situation, but even just sending your partner a text when they're at work, when you know they're on their lunch or something like, oh, thinking about you. when you're cooking dinner, finding ways to get that physical touch, that skin to skin contact, just little things like that to, you know, show them that you want them. Because I think that's a lot of kind of how people get into these phases in life is you love this person. Like you said, with your situation, you love them.
00:18:19
Speaker
so so much you have such a great connection everything is so amazing but there's just something about the desires that are not matching up and sex just isn't happening um a big part of this is life changes like you said um that was definitely i'm not a stage where i'm having kids yet or anything but that was definitely you know my situation is me and my partner you know we went from being super codependent and sex happens super easily because we're always around each other to oh now we're polyamorous and we have multiple partners and we're going on dates and we have plans and you know now we own a business together so it's like how can we get outside of that day-to-day mindset and into more of the bedroom mindset in a more consistent basis
00:19:09
Speaker
So when it comes to this idea of loving someone versus wanting someone, how would you say are some good ways, I know you named a few already, to make your partner feel wanted and desired? m You know, it's such an interesting question because the paradigm where i I'm viewing the couple from is from the perspective of ah myself.
00:19:39
Speaker
Right. and So and that's that's also um what the Sure Thing book really is when it comes down to it. Yes, it's about falling in love um with he ah and and bringing partners closer together and a ah roadmap of how to do that.
00:19:57
Speaker
And along with that is falling deeply in love with ourselves. And because the more. I am in an unconditional love and acceptance of myself exactly as I am. Exactly. i mean, we're all aging, you know, at but, ah you know, as you get older into your 50s, 60s, 70s, the aging body, everything changes, things change.
Communication & Self-love in Relationships
00:20:21
Speaker
Hopefully we're all going to be aging, you know, as well as we can. And still there are there are changes that happen. And so just loving and loving. however our body is whatever it is and so what i noticed is that when i'm feeling turned on by myself like i'm turning myself on then all of a sudden my spouse is like hey baby what's going on in there you know and he'll come in and be interested in you know fooling around or making out and so
00:20:55
Speaker
instead of me having to um let him know that I desire him, i focus on desiring myself.
00:21:06
Speaker
How much, you know, what what is is what is it that will make me feel pleasurable, make me feel sexy. You know, what can I wear? What can I do? what do i that that is That I'm doing it for myself.
00:21:21
Speaker
And as far as with my spouse, um i you know, and so each of us have different it desires, of course. And so if if you are someone who really would like your spouse, your partner, to tell you how hot you look, then you ask for that.
00:21:47
Speaker
Right? Yes. and so So we've got to make requests. But before we can make requests, we have to know what we want, which is kind of going back to, you know, what I was saying earlier, building that muscle of knowing what I want and then asking for it and then saying, hey, baby, you know, I put on this outfit and you didn't say anything. And I really love it when you tell me how hot I look.
00:22:13
Speaker
So would you do that? So just, you know, putting it out there. and being really vulnerable, right? But that kind of vulnerability and openness creates intimacy. And then we can make a request without making a demand. We say, you know, and let them know what it is we want because What I what I know about myself and the people that I work with is many of us don't know even what we want.
00:22:41
Speaker
So how can we know what our partner wants, right? If we if we don't know what we want even. So it's all about communicating. And so asking, asking what what does make you feel good? For me, my spouse, I tell him all the time how sexy he is.
00:23:01
Speaker
He doesn't really care. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. But for me I like fawning over him and i you know I love his sexy chest and that really turns me on. and i But he's like, meh doesn't really. That's not his thing. He wants to spend quality time together. So when I'm know spending time with him, that's what really that's what he desires. So it's it's discerning with ourselves and with our partners about, you know, what what what do we want and then asking for it so we can give it to each other.
00:23:35
Speaker
Yes, I love that. I mean, we talk so much on this show about communication, communication, communication. um and I think that is really important when it comes to getting what you want in the bedroom and in return, being able to pleasure your partner as well.
00:23:53
Speaker
um Because, yeah, I'm in the same boat and I think most couples are. Like we said earlier, everybody has different drives, but but everybody also has different things that are going to make them feel good.
00:24:05
Speaker
For my partner, it's, you know, physical touch and cuddling. So, you know, jumping right off the gate and trying to get into some intense foreplay is not quite going to get him there. But if we're just cuddling and I'm touching him very lightly, it's like, okay.
00:24:22
Speaker
Now I am in the mood. um And like you said, turning yourself on and feeling confident in yourself. You know, if you're trying on some lingerie and you're like, oh, OK, I'm feeling pretty good. Show your partner or snap a picture and show them later. If you're thinking of a memory and you're like, oh man, that was great.
00:24:43
Speaker
Let them know, remind them of the memory, text them if they're not around, that sort of thing. um So yeah, i couldn't agree more that, you know, I think it's kind of a lost art that people forget is you can just ask for things. You need something, just go ahead and ask.
00:25:02
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely. But yeah, so I think kind of the overarching theme we're getting into here a lot is this idea of intention and being very intentional.
00:25:14
Speaker
So, you know, you can be intentional, like you said, planning a time once a week to play. You can be intentional in what you're doing, as in asking for things.
00:25:25
Speaker
But are there other ways that people can be more intentional with their partners to try and get that spark back? Absolutely. So another wonderful question. Thank you.
Setting Intentions and Curiosity
00:25:37
Speaker
So the first thing that I encourage people to do when they're they've decided, okay, I want to try this. I want to start a sure thing practice. And you're going to commit to a weekly practice of pleasure.
00:25:52
Speaker
The next thing is you determine your intention. What are your dreams, wishes, fantasies for your sensual sexual fulfillment? Our intention is to deepen an intimacy, connection and pleasure.
00:26:07
Speaker
That's our intention. Every time I say that, I'm like, heck yeah, I want that. And so if that turns you on, use it. That can be your intention too. or come up with something that really turns you on when you hear about it, something that you really want. So each person comes up with their intention or you come up with an intention as a couple.
00:26:30
Speaker
And couples can have different intentions. That's okay, no problem. You just want something that every time it's going to, the intention, for your sure thing, it will motivate you to have an actual sure thing practice because you're the whole point of having the practice is to fulfill that intention.
00:26:49
Speaker
Right. So you come up with your intention, whatever that is, only limited by your imagination. And then i encourage people to have an image that can, like I have an image on the front of the book. um I love these two. i had somebody, um an artist friend, ah draw. and And I love that that image. I also have an image in my bedroom of two figures, you know, that's very sensual and really evokes imagination.
00:27:20
Speaker
sure thing intention. So to have something visual that you can keep up so or make an alter to keep your intention like present in your physical space so that you know, OK, come Saturday, come Monday night, whenever you schedule it, it's up to you.
00:27:38
Speaker
and And by the way, you can have a solo sure thing. You don't have to wait for a partner. You don't. And when your partner is not available, Definitely take care of your own sensual needs. Be 100% responsible for your own pleasure because that is the most empowering thing that you can do in in this realm. So setting the intention. And then when it's time, you're like, okay, this is this is my intention. the The intention turns you on and then just turn toward your partner or yourself and
00:28:09
Speaker
And ah often we'll start a sure thing practice by answering the question, what would be most pleasurable right now? And so one of us would answer that question And that could be, you know, can you just massage my head? Could you rub my feet? Could you kiss my neck? come Let's turn on our playlist and let's do some dancing. You know figuring out what it is that helps get you in your body and feeling good. For me, like just really funky, groovy music, just wo I can just really just poof just drop right in. So discovering, using it, being curious, right? And using it kind of, i call um the bigger project around this book is called the Sure Thing Love Experiment. And so imagine you're in a love laboratory and you're experimenting with different things. You're wondering, well, what would feel better, this or that?
00:29:05
Speaker
And then try and see what feels better. And then start to ask for what it is you want and see, well, maybe that doesn't feel good anymore. So then something else is what you want. So imagine that we're like researchers researching pleasure in a love laboratory.
00:29:22
Speaker
with the are our our goal, if you will, as fulfilling whatever intention you set for your sure thing. So the intention really encapsulates the whole practice and is is really the foundation and the inspiration to practice, to get you know making sure that you have an intention that inspires.
00:29:44
Speaker
you. Yes. Yeah, I love that idea of, you know, not boxing yourself in and really staying curious. That was one of the um descriptions I loved about your book was this idea of rekindling curiosity.
00:30:00
Speaker
um I think too often, like you said, when we've been in these long term relationships, things kind of flatline because well, you know, maybe I'm feeling a bit bored, maybe it's always the same thing. But the possibilities are truly endless. Like you said, the only limit is your imagination. um You can explore things on your own. You can research things online, you can explore things together, you can explore on your own and then bring to your partner like, hey, I'd like to try this out.
00:30:30
Speaker
um And again, the end goal doesn't even have to be orgasm or playing for exactly this long. It can just be to try something new.
00:30:41
Speaker
and So how would you kind of explain this idea of rekindling curiosity?
00:30:50
Speaker
You know, I i think it's, um I mean, rekindling curiosity is a practice for all realms of our, you know, of everything right now. Really, you know, um if we can ask a question, if we're in any kind of conversation or especially in kind of maybe something that might be a little conflictual, if we can take a breath and think of a question that we're genuinely curious about, that takes things in that de-escalates and then opens up a whole new
00:31:27
Speaker
realm of where we can talk about things, right? And so, you know, did you know, did you know that i really, it really turns me on when you, you know, kiss right above my ass, you know, did you know, you know, that kind of, you can ask that question. um So rekindling ah curiosity is being curious about, yes, you know, sex has been a certain way in, you know, with this partner.
00:31:59
Speaker
and wondering, huh, I wonder if it could be another way instead of coming from the mindset of, well, this is how how it's always been, so this is how it must be. This is how it's gonna be for the next 20 years or whatever.
00:32:14
Speaker
And then just catching yourself and being like, wait a second, every moment is arising anew. Every moment that arises can never be replicated.
00:32:25
Speaker
And so bringing that like awe and wonder of what it is to be alive in these bodies and recognizing that that that is actually a truth. We can't even be aware of the millions of things that are arising, you know, and and and the the sensations in our bodies that are coming in through our five senses. i mean we hope to be i and again know i aspire to be as aware and awake of as many of them but no way can we understand all of it so there is a like you said infinite possibility of of pleasure and so
00:33:10
Speaker
noticing when we're trapped in the thinking of it's always going to be this way and then come back, it's like, okay, wait a second. What if that's not true? What if it's not? what if What if there is, like we were talking about, you know there is an infinite exploration in the realm of sensuality and pleasure. So just take that into the love laboratory and wonder about it and experiment about it Because I can tell you that once I started having the weekly pleasure practice with my spouse, I connected, and and this was in my 50s, connected with a part of me that in my 20s and 30s would come out, you know, a little bit. I call our vivacious viv, my sensual, my wild sensual self. And yeah.
00:34:02
Speaker
All of a sudden, every week she had the canvas of our bedroom to just express herself in embodied delight and all kinds of questions. And it wasn't like I had had all these fantasies that I hadn't fulfilled. It was just spontaneous. It was like, oh, OK, you know.
00:34:20
Speaker
Mutual masturbation, it seemed, which I'd never done before or explored, but let's just do that. And oh, how edgy that was when we first did it. And then it was like mutually masturbating both of us, right? you Stroking both of us, stroking ourselves together.
00:34:37
Speaker
and And on and on and on. And so this part um is now, you know, I learned how to ski in my 50s. I now train in Aikido. So this awakening, this embodied sensual wild self that is hungry and loves embodied activity.
00:34:58
Speaker
and so that is what that's what i founded myself and have found with other clients as they you know do this practice and reveal parts of themselves that they may have gotten glimpses of but but didn't know intimately and so then we're getting to know ourselves more intimately and then we're you know then you add another person in there that you're you know wondering, wow, what are you know, I think I know my partner of 25 years so well, and I'm still learning things about him. And I really say thanks to this practice, which has really opened opened up my heart and opened up my mind to to wonder and not put him in a box.
00:35:44
Speaker
And I'll tell you a quick story. ah ah ah i was talking to a really um dear sister friend the other day and she was like, well, you know, you just don't like to learn new things, you know. i and And I was like, hey, ha hey, hey, hold on a second. Hold on a second.
00:36:02
Speaker
Just because you ah you have seen me being resistant to learning new things in the past, and even if you've seen me do that a dozen times, do not box me in.
00:36:13
Speaker
Because yeah I am not that person. Because I can tell you with the launch of this book and everything, I have learned so many new things because I've had to. And also because I've wanted to. But it's like, you know, knowing not letting ourselves box ourselves in and also not letting the people around us put us in, even if we've done the same thing, we can change.
00:36:36
Speaker
Everything is possible. Everything is changing and and arising in the moment. So the more we can really be in, um
00:36:48
Speaker
connected with our authenticity, the more than we can push back on like when our friends and she was like, you know what, you're actually right. And we started giggling about it.
00:36:58
Speaker
But she was like, OK, I won't do that. I take it back. But, you know, in the past, i would that conversation would have gone like it spiraled down instead of spiraled up.
00:37:11
Speaker
it would And then I would have felt bad and I would have been pissed and maybe we wouldn't have talked for a few days. But instead, it was like in the moment I could feel it and be like, no, no, no, that's not right.
00:37:22
Speaker
That's not right. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I love that story and that anecdote. um And like you said, so much of this is so applicable to other parts of your life too. And just really kind of reprogramming how you view things, how you view yourself, how you view others. So yeah, it's all really beautiful. And I think everyone's going to get a lot out of this episode.
00:37:45
Speaker
But with the closing out, do you have any final thoughts you'd like to share?
00:37:54
Speaker
Well, my final thought is that I really that i really hope that you know whether it's a sure thing practice or any kind of regular practice where people are, where you are connecting within with yourself and really cultivating intimacy with ourselves and building that muscle of what it is what is really true for us.
Conclusion & Call to Action
00:38:19
Speaker
That is what is going to fortify us, have us be resilient and sustain us through these really challenging times of social upheaval.
00:38:28
Speaker
And so what we need now amplified is courage and kindness. And I believe that having a pleasure practice and tending to our to pleasure and prioritizing pleasure is essential fuel fuel us to be out in the streets, to be standing for democracy, to be standing up against bullies and against manipulation.
00:38:59
Speaker
And when we're embodied authentically, we know what's true. We know what feels right and what doesn't feel right. So we can't get gaslit when we are really cultivating that inner knowing and that through pleasure.
00:39:17
Speaker
So that is what I want to invite all of your listeners into taking 100% responsibility for your pleasure and that that is one of our superpowers that is going to fuel us through this time.
00:39:33
Speaker
Yes, I couldn't agree more. I mean, this administration, this even greater push for modesty and um sex negativity and, you know, just everything going on. um really taking charge of your own life, taking charge of your own joy and happiness is a radical act in these times. So that's right.
00:39:58
Speaker
That's right. That's right. So let's be radical. Yes. And bring more love and pleasure and joy into the world. People can find me at Sure Thing Love Experiment.
00:40:09
Speaker
surethingloveexperiment.com and you can find out about the book there. You can find out about love the the different love experiments that are going on. the i will be offering an online ah Sure Thing 2026 Spring Challenge that will be an online course. So if you're interested, go to surethingexperiment.com and you'll you can put in your email and you'll get to follow along with what what all that I'm doing.
00:40:40
Speaker
Awesome. All right. Well, this has been the Fun with Sex podcast, and we will see you next time.