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EP. 62 Pirates of the Caribbean At Worlds End (2007)
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Transcript
Casual Banter and Introductions
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrub in the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Episode Introduction and Franchise Reflection
00:00:57
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 62 of the Two Guys One Screen Podcast. My name is... i fucked that up. Did it backwards.
00:01:07
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the... Wow, I'm... I'm so like... Are you okay? My brain is so shot from work. From this movie or if work? Work and this movie have destroyed my brain.
00:01:18
Speaker
All right, one more time.
00:01:21
Speaker
62. Hello and welcome to the...
00:01:27
Speaker
Oh, man. All right. All right. One more time. No, I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay. Jesus Christ, Nick. Leave all us in. Hello. Welcome to episode 62 of the Two Guys, One Screen podcast, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies, the Poetown Boys.
00:01:47
Speaker
My name is Nick. I'm joined by my lovely co-host, the edge sword himself, Gerald. And today we are continuing with the third installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise at World's End.
00:02:02
Speaker
Should have been called at Franchise's End. Fucking like cut the shit. I love, you know. going into this series, right? We thought this was a good idea. We're like, these movies are great, right?
00:02:14
Speaker
We can blame them. They voted. you Yeah, you guys voted, right? Your fault. So, we got two more movies left in this franchise, right? And the third new one's coming out. Yeah, then part six will come out eventually. We'll review that.
00:02:27
Speaker
Yeah. That won't be that won't be just an open discussion. Right, and probably like two years, so four years from now. Yeah, hopefully. Because they're still working out who's even in the movie.
00:02:38
Speaker
Okay. Uh... So the next franchise we do, we got to do an absolute banger or something. i mean, that won't be until after Christmas, probably. 2026. Yeah. Yeah, we got a horror month to worry about.
00:02:54
Speaker
So 2026, we got to come in hot. Hot.
Franchise Comparisons and Critiques
00:02:58
Speaker
We got shit hot. And like I don't know what's hotter than Harry Potter. Not much. I'm starting to think Harry Potter was our peak.
00:03:06
Speaker
This is no, no, no, no. ratco I think it's just a stand to how good this, that series is. We've been saying and that's like the best franchise going, right?
00:03:17
Speaker
The most consistent. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. It's the most consistent. This fucking monstrosity is 179 minutes, 169 minutes. I apologize. 169 minutes. It just, it's just too long. Gore, Gore Verbinski.
00:03:32
Speaker
When I hit that little John on my, uh, my remote and it brought up how long it was it was like two hours and 58 minutes i was like what what are we doing that's too it's it's it's just too much it's just it's just too much especially for this what happens we'll get into all of it uh before some of it we're skip straight up skipping because some of it's just not important i mean we'll just we'll just talk about i'll just gloss over it yeah uh we'll do a plug it in plug it in So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod.
00:04:05
Speaker
Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com. Make sure to follow us on TikTok and YouTube for the clips.
00:04:17
Speaker
Make sure to give us a phone call. Leave us a voicemail, 508-8-5-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8- six minute limit and make sure you go listen to our physical media podcast Yeah, you will want it?
00:04:32
Speaker
Available on the same page. It's all in the
Historical Context and Setting
00:04:35
Speaker
description. going to give it to in your sleep.
00:04:39
Speaker
We're going ask consent first. Not if you're sleeping. You smell different when you're asleep. Why are you whispering on a podcast? I don't know. Yeah. ah So Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End is a post 9-11 movie. Also post Chris Benoit.
00:04:57
Speaker
Yeah. says Maybe. We just missed it. Maybe. what Yeah, it was just the anniversary. When? When did Chris Bellaw kill his family?
00:05:08
Speaker
I didn't write that. but no
00:05:12
Speaker
i wrote when did he die. June 24, 2007.
00:05:18
Speaker
yeah we Damn, we just missed the anniversary. Did you see I sent you a post on Instagram, though? I didn't see it yet because I was busy watching. with It took three years to finish. Oh, this movie is... ah When this movie came out, it was ah it came out a month before Chris Benoit decided to murder his family and himself.
00:05:33
Speaker
right, let's go. So he when this movie came out, we can still talk good about Chris Benoit. Yeah, what a great guy. What great guy. Should be the Hall Fame. Yeah. It was just like Michael Vick.
00:05:44
Speaker
little different, though. I don't think Michael Vick, I don't think his career is enough to be in the Hall of Fame, to be honest you, which is probably a hot And Jake's probably going get mad that he even said that. But it's fine. Jake doesn't listen. and He's a fucking fucking faker.
00:05:56
Speaker
Jake listens. okay Jake does listen. Jake, I think Jake's one of our Jake is. Yeah, he definitely. but This is his last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Thank God, because they're like, bro, you can be making 169 minute movies like this.
00:06:12
Speaker
Back in like 2007, that was kind of crazy, right? From mainstream. Now it's like the norm, but I'll give you the new additions to the cast.
00:06:27
Speaker
We got Chow Yun-Fat, who plays Captain Cao Feng. I'll be honest, my name for him in the notes is probably going to have to get bleeped. So in this movie, we got a lot of... na and It's not, but it's not it's not that word.
00:06:42
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah. Got it. We have a lot of... And and then ah some baguette lovers, you know.
00:06:53
Speaker
I'm pretty sure that one guy's French, right? Oh, I thought you were just trying to say f***, but you were saying but you not like French people. Yeah, i'm pretty sure that one guy's French, right? Which guy?
00:07:05
Speaker
It wasn't the guy that kind of looked like V, but that guy was cool. I like that guy. The guy that looked like V for Vendetta? Which guy was that? He had like the he had like the wig, and then he had like he had the rosy cheeks, and his face was like painted white.
00:07:21
Speaker
He was at the court? Yeah, he's a pirate lord or whatever. No, I mean, he was fine. like he looked Yeah, he looked French. i agree with you. Everybody's a different nationality in this movie. Spread the love.
00:07:33
Speaker
You got ah Ty Cow Fisher, who plays Mistress Ching. Be a little more racist. Come on, Disney. What are we doing? Yeah, like we make jokes. We feel bad. You're calling your characters Mistress Ching.
00:07:47
Speaker
I don't even know if they say her name.
Character Dynamics and Relationships
00:07:52
Speaker
I don't honestly know if there's other people we want to shout out on the cast list right now. Captain Teague? Jack's father? Captain Teague, you would be right.
00:08:03
Speaker
Yes. And... don't
00:08:08
Speaker
know if we said it, but David Bale plays Cotton. Might have not mentioned that first recording. I think we definitely had because Cotton's parents here. Everywhere. No, but do we like give him a shout on the cast list?
00:08:21
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. We did. Because we probably went on a whole thing about Cotton. No, we didn't. Not until the later on point that I had to bleep. Oh, okay. but So Cotton's in the movie, ladies and gentlemen.
00:08:33
Speaker
but No, I just meant like the guy who plays him. But like the... Oh. We're doing a scene by scene of this movie as we have for the past three or two. So strap in strap on because this is a long fucking movie for no reason.
00:08:45
Speaker
We don't know why. and we don't know why they could have just made... have a lot of thoughts on this movie as we go.
00:08:54
Speaker
Alright, so movie opens. We see people getting hung. If you don't like watch people get hung, think movie for you. There's some hanging going on. Like in a Disney movie, straight off Rip. There's a black guy in the noose. What do we do in Disney? A little boy in the noose.
00:09:07
Speaker
It's crazy. little boy? They gave him a barrel so he could reach it? like What are we doing? He's sitting there fucking out holding a coin. He's like all sad. like fucking stand Let's go. Get in the stepstool. We're going to hang now.
00:09:20
Speaker
And they do it! Yeah, then potentially fuck his body after. They don't show that part, though. We don't know. They probably do. That executioner looked ready. I'm not saying I'm okay with that. I'm just saying they might do it. I mean, it was like, what, fifteen hundred so Yeah, and if you don't like it...
00:09:37
Speaker
Maybe we should cut that. Yeah, I don't want to keep edging. That might have given it away. Probably. Yeah. We're doing the Epstein files for our one year.
00:09:47
Speaker
We're reading everybody that's on the fucking list. We got the videos.
00:09:54
Speaker
ah So Beckett, who's like the fucking lead dude now, the head honcho, he's declared a state of martial law. And there's no longer do people have the right to assembly, habeas corpus legal counsel, or a fair verdict by jury of their peers.
00:10:10
Speaker
They all just getting hung. ah And we see a little boy, he has his little is this coin. and He starts singing that Yo-Ho song that's popular on TikTok.
00:10:21
Speaker
Yo-ho, mofo. And then ah i wrote, Anam mean starts singing with him. You do. Which is true. And then the entire group starts singing. I'm like, yeah, they're singing like field songs.
00:10:34
Speaker
Right? Underground railroad shit going on here. jacha That was happening the but that was i was having an above ground. Right, yeah. It wasn't happening underground. It was happening above ground.
00:10:46
Speaker
It's not a real railroad, guys. Goddamn. Scammed. If you were singing underground, you I mean, i don't know. You're dead already.
00:10:57
Speaker
ah there's We get the title card, and we cut to, I wrote Tortuga because it all looks the same, but apparently it's a Singapore. You've been there. It didn't look this? It did not look like that, no.
00:11:07
Speaker
But I also wasn't in Singapore in the fifteen hundreds so I can't confirm what that looked like. Valid. Uh, and Liz is on a boat and she looks a little dikey, but honestly she gets, it's fine. It's just like, you know, I still get it. Cause her mouth is still doing work, you know? yeah And she, they definitely like tanned her face heavy in this movie. I don't know why they did that.
00:11:26
Speaker
Her
Bizarre Scenes and Character Motivations
00:11:27
Speaker
face looks really tan, like bronzed almost. And I'm not sure why they did that for me. She's about to like be in the WWE, like the whole movie though. Not like just this part of the entire, um, and she gets held up by some animals, uh,
00:11:40
Speaker
When Barbossa shows up and Barbossa, this is what Barbossa says. Okay, I'm not i'm not saying what I'm thinking. I'm saying what Barbossa says in the movie.
00:11:52
Speaker
Barbossa comes over with a gun and Liz gets like one of these drawings by like knife to the throat. And he's like, your master is expecting us. He said that.
00:12:03
Speaker
i ah I didn't say that. It's a little crazy. Go watch the movie. little crazy. Then this movie proceeds to not give the Massa a name until a good 20 minutes in.
00:12:16
Speaker
So his name in my notes was just Massa.
00:12:20
Speaker
just rat well Just what it is. Obviously, obviously, like Disney chose to do that, not me. I didn't choose to do this.
00:12:31
Speaker
It was a different time as well. Slavery's not okay. Slavery wasn't okay in 2007. It wasn't. You're right. But also, if didn't even be thrown Massa in a fucking kids movie, I'm going to throw it around a podcast scene by scene that has 30 listeners.
00:12:49
Speaker
These movies are low-key not for kids. But low key they are because some of it's really fucking cringe. Some of it is, but then you got like people's faces literally getting blown off by cannonballs.
00:13:00
Speaker
Sure. At certain. Yes. Yeah. So anyways, Barbossa tells the animals that they're that they're masses expecting them.
00:13:09
Speaker
We cut to a I just call them like the Black Pearl crew. It's like the OG kind of ah group like of Gibbs and all them. Yeah. that Dude with the fucked eye. Right. Fuck his little eye hole.
00:13:21
Speaker
right Shout out Sadness, which I now own. Stay tuned for our... Yeah, you want it? Did we cover that on Yeah, You Want It yet? We didn't, right?
00:13:33
Speaker
No, that's that's the an extra recording. Alright. No, we had not talked about that at all, actually. On Yeah, You Want It. That's like episode three. Whenever we had decided to do that.
00:13:44
Speaker
Alright. ah Which is like a once a month show at this point. There's nothing wrong with that.
00:13:52
Speaker
uh
00:13:56
Speaker
they're like they're like in a river it looks like apocalypse now they got the snorkel on right they're like sneaking is this the same mommy from before no but she looks like somebody i know it's not that person okay she she uh she bad no no uh They asked Barbosa and Elizabeth to surrender their weapons.
00:14:19
Speaker
And Liz is fucking loaded with weapons. And they make her take her pants off. Bro, that that last gun she pulls even Barbosa looked at her ass. He's like, where'd you keep that? Yeah, it was boofed. It was up there.
00:14:31
Speaker
And they go into like a bathhouse. And we find out here they're in Singapore.
00:14:38
Speaker
and the Black Pearl crew has broken into the steam room below the bathhouse, and
00:14:49
Speaker
they meet Massa, and his name is like Sang or Fang. out Sal Fang. Sal Fang. so yeah yeah i a right right Yeah. ah So I saw.
00:15:03
Speaker
So they meet Cho's grandfather. And then. Hello. Hello. They come in and he say. No take you nor Audrey.
00:15:18
Speaker
um Anyways. Later when that dog brings the key, he's like, I need dog to eat. Yeah. all right Alright. That sounded more Indian. I'm sorry. but they probably no No dog.
00:15:34
Speaker
ah ah So anyways, Barboza tells Massa that he...
00:15:42
Speaker
yes Bro, that's what they said, bro. They call him their master. I didn't say that. The movie said that. What does the subtitle say? Straight up like that? oh No, probably not.
00:15:52
Speaker
It probably said master. Master. Yeah, but like when they're talking, they're a hardy-party R language. It puts fucking English subtitles. Ah, your master. Yeah. ah He's looking for a crew and a ship.
00:16:06
Speaker
And Massa says that someone tried to, break in earlier today to his uncle's something brother to get navigational charge to the farthest gate. the fuck was it?
00:16:17
Speaker
Who was it? It was Will Tanner. Oh my God. It was Orlando Bloom. Uh, And they have Orlando Bloom. He's he's captured. He's in a like a ah fucking lock.
00:16:30
Speaker
It's like a bar. He's like in a well. I thought they like dumped him in a well. They did. What's her name? friends Elizabeth? No, from the ring. The actress?
00:16:42
Speaker
Like the character. Oh, it's Samarda? Samara, something like that. Samara Weaving? Samara Weaving's bad. Also, the ring is kind of mid.
00:16:53
Speaker
ah mid Yeah, I really need to see the Japanese version. Ringu. It's on Shedded Digger. But I can also own it on Arrow Blu-ray.
00:17:05
Speaker
Barbossa tries to bluff. that We don't fucking know who that guy is. And then Massa goes to kill him. And Liz kind of yelps. And it gives him a way that they're like... They know him. um She wants to talk to him.
00:17:17
Speaker
He asks, why you trying to go to the farthest gate? And Barbossa tosses him the coin. And says, the song, Yo-Ho, has been
Pirate Politics and Battle Scenes
00:17:27
Speaker
sung. And... ah They need help, and Massa is one of the nine pirate lords, and he must answer the call to go to the Brethren court.
00:17:36
Speaker
What's brother?
00:17:43
Speaker
What's up, brother? What you in for? You dipping out on your family, too? Yo, you know what they say about snitches, right, yo? um Yo, you in for arm robbery, too, bro?
00:17:58
Speaker
Yeah. So he don't really want to go help them. And Liz calls him a coward. ah You dishonor your family. but Dishonor to your family.
00:18:13
Speaker
Yeah. um So she tells him off, but he's like, you didn't really answer my question. Why you going to Davy Jones's locker for? And it comes out. They're looking for Jack Sparrow. And Jack Sparrow is one of the pirate lords.
00:18:25
Speaker
And there's this random extra guy just standing there. And he has a tattoo, but his tattoo is dripping off in the water. and Massa holds him to knife, and he's like, I'm going kill this guy if you don't fucking back off him.
00:18:37
Speaker
And Barbo's like, well, who is he? He's not ours. kidding, we know who he is. When the British Navy breaches, and we see Mercer, who is Beckett's right-hand man, he shoots this... He shoots, actually, in this film, two hounds right in the head.
00:18:54
Speaker
I know, like, little... They almost look like geisha chicks, but... I don't know why in the two of them had to get catch strays like that, but... Yeah, right? they were kind of cute. Yeah. ah We, the Black Pearl crew hanging out underneath the floors, blow the fucking floor out from underneath the Navy.
00:19:11
Speaker
We see the brawl go out into the streets. We see, um literally wrote again, Mercer kills another hammer. It's true the other hammer. Massa holds Will at knife points. Like, you brought the fucking Navy here, bro? Bro, you're trying to get out those shackles, bro?
00:19:29
Speaker
Will tells Massa that he needs the Black Pearl to free his father. it And while they're sitting there holding to that fucking night point, Mercer's in the corner watching, fucking stroking it.
00:19:42
Speaker
Everybody's, like, priorities are all over the place. Right. ah So they leave without Cao Fang, who is Massa.
00:19:52
Speaker
And we cut to the Dutchman, who's just fucking going in, destroying ships left and right. We cut to Mercer telling Beckett there's nine coins. or it's the The phrase is the nine pieces of eight.
00:20:05
Speaker
That's so anime. And then we get... We get a scene we don't probably need. Norrington walks in and he gets gifted a sword.
00:20:17
Speaker
and Yeah. And then he gets on a mission and then we don't see him for probably an hour and a half. That's true. But at this point... They were talking like lower because they didn't want ah Elizabeth's father to hear.
00:20:30
Speaker
And what we find out later in the movie, I think this is when they decided Because they're both kind of like looking at him. No, it's later. and Okay. It's when he's he's like, get the chest.
00:20:42
Speaker
And then he's also like, I think Swan's time has been up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we get to that part. ah So he gets a sword and he's like, thank you, father. And then when we cut to the Black Pearl crew. who They're cold out in the fucking Arctic somewhere. Yeah, I don't know where we are.
00:20:59
Speaker
And the dummies are wondering why Thea can't bring back Jack Sparrow, but you brought back Barbossa. And it's because they had Barbossa's body, but Jack Sparrow is gone. He's in David. Jack be dead.
00:21:12
Speaker
He's in David. Yeah. What'd you say? She's Jamaican. Well, didn't hear what you said, though. Yeah. You want your body and soul.
00:21:24
Speaker
Jack was already he dead. They got this fucking... Not really. like They got this fucking map that they took from the ah challenge. The challenge? Yeah, I almost slipped out on there, right?
00:21:38
Speaker
And it's ah it's like a bunch of circles that you have to spin and line up. Which doesn't make sense because it's a piece of paper, but... it's not I mean, it's not a piece of paper. It definitely looks like it's like wood.
00:21:49
Speaker
Wood, you think? It doesn't look like paper. It's definitely not paper. Oh, they are Asian, so they probably did a lot of like hand carving. Is that a thing that Asian stuff? Artistic or autistic, you choose.
00:22:02
Speaker
Artistic. not well Probably Mahjong or something, you know? Right. ah ara You of rat? No. Is that what they said in Singapore?
00:22:14
Speaker
I've just seen that on the internet, actually. You want to catch a rat? No.
00:22:26
Speaker
so Never took that off, so I just... yeah It works. It's fitting. um The saying is something about over the the edge over again and flash a green light.
00:22:39
Speaker
That's me, the edge. um And a flash of green light at the horizon symbolizes a soul returning. And Barbossa says it's not hard to get to the land of the dead. It's hard to get back.
00:22:52
Speaker
We cut to Beckett, who's surveying the damage from... ah Davy Jones because he's just fucking tearing apart ships. Yeah.
00:23:03
Speaker
And this is when Beckett asked Mercer to fetch the chest and they do say something hear about Governor Swan's time being up because they swap out the ah heart for a heart right conversation uh we cut to davy jones who's just in the mood he's like where are you playing the piano he's all sad pretty accurate um we cut to the navy that boards the dutchman with the heart uh and davy goes like get that shit out of here
00:23:35
Speaker
I don't fucking want that. ah he's I don't want it. He's owned by the Navy. out to our other podcast. Yeah. And they have... It looked like here theyre like they had it like... This scene...
00:23:49
Speaker
The conversation ends between Davy Jones and the guy and like Beckett. And then it cuts to Davy Jones' is like like his heart in the chest. And someone's like, load your weapons whatever the fuck. And they point it at the chest and it just cuts.
00:24:03
Speaker
Right. So i was like, they shoot his heart. He's dead. what like What happened? The movie's over. We don't know. The movie's over five minutes in.
00:24:14
Speaker
And then we get to probably the worst part of the movie, the love relationship between Liz and Will Turner. This is probably one of the most poorly written romances. This makes me think I could direct a movie.
00:24:26
Speaker
This is how bad this shit is. yeah awesome yeah So the last time we had Will and Liz in movie together, side by side, was the previous movie. And Liz was tonguing down Jack Sparrow, right?
00:24:38
Speaker
and Yeah, and Will saw and was like, errrr. well not wow and yeah she she wants him she doesn't love me right when really she was just trying to sacrifice Jack to the Kraken she was trying to ah seduce him which was like a point of conversation in the movie and by seducing him she was able to fucking handcuff him to the boat But we fucking told y'all that in the last episode, so go listen to it.
00:25:05
Speaker
Will's like, are we just going to not talk to each other? And she's like, i just want to rescue Jack. Like, this is not, this is like not. You're not helping your case here, lady. I feel like this not ah how a conversation would go if you like saw your partner tonguing down somebody else.
00:25:19
Speaker
Yeah, right. You just walk up to her. Slap her. And then tell her how it is. And then tell her that you need fucking sandwich. Yeah. Uh. just doesn't It doesn't seem like a logical next step to me.
00:25:34
Speaker
No, you're like, why? like and then Even at the end of the second movie, like, bro, you were just tonguing down Jack? What the fuck? Or even now, like, walk over and like, look, I know you tongued down Jack. I saw it. Yeah, and then that's when you'd be like, yo, I had to.
00:25:50
Speaker
ah And because she just wants to rescue Jack, and then she just walks away. and so now he's like, oh, she really does want Jack. Yeah, and then we cut, and that's just it. That's just the at' the end of that scene.
00:26:01
Speaker
That's all you get. ah And all of a sudden, there's panic aboard the ship because they're lost, and Barbossa does not give a fuck even a little bit. um They notice that there's a waterfall and they try to turn the ship around and it doesn't work and they go down the waterfall and it fades and we cut to Jack Sparrow who is just he's just sniffing.
00:26:26
Speaker
that was That was actually pretty funny. Just a close up of like his nostrils sniffing. um And he goes to eat a peanut and another Jack Sparrow kills him and then we see the whole ship that Jack is on is just a bunch of different Jack Sparrows.
00:26:41
Speaker
And it's like they're in like a white room. They're in King's Station. Yeah, they're in Davy Jones locker, which is, I guess, a white room. Yeah, Davy Jones don't like any color. It's just whites.
00:26:55
Speaker
What's up? One of the Jacks is a chicken and one is literally like trying to make moves on a goat. Yeah, really trying to make moves on a goat. but the go goat could get it, though. That was a cute ass goat.
00:27:08
Speaker
Are you a fan of goats? not I'm not a fan of animal fucking. I just want to get in front of that. No, not that. I'm not a fan of that either. it's just for the jokes. But like, you fuck with goats?
00:27:20
Speaker
I mean, I don't like dislike them. I'm like that lady that was like terrified of olives. It's not like that. I just i don't don't care. Like I would get a pet goat. Oh, you would? Yeah. That's interesting.
00:27:32
Speaker
I don't think I get a pet goat. I wouldn't get a pet goat, I don't think. Could be afraid they'd eat everything or? and just don't really care to have a goat. I want a dog. Well, that's number one, right?
00:27:43
Speaker
Yeah, it's priority. Yeah, but I that. Dog, cat, goat, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah? Yeah, dog, cat, goat, right. And then,
00:27:55
Speaker
The little orphan boy from Indonesia. I went to Indonesia. but Uh, we see Captain Jack. I wrote Captain because he's wearing, like, the vest. The rest them aren't wearing the vest.
00:28:06
Speaker
He stabs another Jack Sparrow for not tying knot right. Uh, then suddenly all these Sparrow's running around are gone it's all in his fucking head because he's crazy. Um, and he hops off this boat which just isn't moving because there's no water. no water water? What? The foot...
00:28:24
Speaker
And he sees a rock and he throws it. And then he turns and behind him again. So he licks it and throws it again. And then it's a crab. He's a freak. And then he finds a rope.
00:28:34
Speaker
And he tries to use a rope to pull the ship. He's a super freak. And then all these crabs show up and move the ship for him. And we cut to... That scene that I just read off was like three seconds. But like the scene in the movie like, what?
00:28:50
Speaker
Eight minutes? Ten minutes? Too long. Yeah.
00:28:54
Speaker
ah We cut to the Black Pearl crew landing on a beach when Jack's ship comes over the horizon. This desert pulls up. um And you expect like a re ah reunion between Jack and the crew, but Jack just starts yelling at Gibbs about some disorder.
00:29:11
Speaker
And Gibbs is like, you're in Davy Jones' locker buddy. And then Jack greets Barbossa and he's like, you shot me, remember? And he's like, nope.
00:29:23
Speaker
Uh... Finally, jack like Jack comes to terms that it's possibly real when Elizabeth says it's all real. um This is when Jack mentions in conversation that she chained him to the ship and killed him, which no one knew.
00:29:37
Speaker
um So they're there with the some of the Singaporeans who said that they work for like the highest bidder, so they just came with them. And Jack's like, why am I going to take any of you being the OG crew? cause they've all betrayed him.
00:29:50
Speaker
They've all been betraying each other for the past two films. I was going to say, but then Jack's also betrayed everybody too. So no one's trustworthy. So he decides to take the Singaporean crew. um But he has nowhere to go and has no how to get out when Barbosa shows him that he has ah the mat.
00:30:10
Speaker
Next scene, Will is upset that Liz didn't tell him that she left Jack the Kraken. ah And Liz is like, it's not your bird and a bear.
00:30:23
Speaker
But it's like, okay. and then like what that But also you were tonguing him down. And then then she gets offended. She's like, you thought I loved him and storms off. like i just don't When you're in well you're in the writer's room, how does this all make sense logically?
00:30:39
Speaker
Right. Like, how do you, how how's Will supposed to feel? I don't know. Yeah, it's no big deal. Sorry. Yeah, you were tonguing down Will. i I mean, you were tonguing down Jack. No big deal.
00:30:51
Speaker
No big deal, you know. You're not supposed to love me or anything, you know. I mean, he he literally is eating her box the end of the movie. there's that's Yo, that was that was crazy.
00:31:02
Speaker
Her face, bro. he was He was literally eating her box, bro. ah Next scene, the dummies, ah the guy with the missing eye and the shorter fat dude, they see some bodies floating in the ocean. And this is when Tia tells them about Calypso and she's a goddess and she charged Davy Jones with being in charge of transferring people from the being alive to the afterlife.
00:31:30
Speaker
We see some boats approaching. They're kind of the boats like that approach Hogwarts and Harry Potter. Yeah, little dinghies. Yeah, just not as good of a movie. And then
00:31:42
Speaker
they're we're told they're all just ghosts and Liz sees her father he's dead. He's been murdered and she tries to call him. She tries to jump off the fucking boat.
00:31:55
Speaker
Everybody like runs up to her grabs her. ah And we find out here that they used Swan to stab the heart. But his heart took its place.
00:32:08
Speaker
Which now I realize doesn't make any fucking sense.
00:32:12
Speaker
Because. because Yeah, Will stabbed the heart, but now Will's just captain the Dutchman. Right. And also not like a deformed freak.
00:32:24
Speaker
But that was the Calypso part. So I don't really get only get how that worked. I think they just murdered him. Right. But it makes no sense.
00:32:35
Speaker
Okay. Because the Dutchman's heart is still in the box. spot Correct.
00:32:45
Speaker
ah We also find out that Tia says they've escaped the afterlife by by nightfall. ah Jack reads the map and it says up is down.
00:32:57
Speaker
um We get this silly scene with too many Jacks coming out from his dreads like on each shoulder, like talking to him. um Jack starts running from side to side and whole crew starts running from side to side to flip the ship over because up is down.
00:33:12
Speaker
um And they're able to flip the ship. That whole thing I just said was probably like a good eight minutes. Yeah. Unnecessary length of running back and forth.
00:33:25
Speaker
um There's a flash of green and they end up in the overworld again and they all pull their guns on each other. ah Jack has no interest in going to meet up at the court of Brethren and they try to fire their guns but they don't work because it's wet gunpowder because they water before.
00:33:44
Speaker
um they dock on this island and Sparrow and Barbossa both still have beef about like the ownership of the pearl. So the two of them leave the ship with Wilton.
00:33:56
Speaker
And what did they find? Like, I don't get why they found this and why even mattered. They find a dead squid. the Kraken. Yeah, they find it and it's like, well, it's supposed to like, I'm assuming it's supposed to symbolize like,
00:34:11
Speaker
Beckett's in control of Davy Jones now, so Kraken's not even the biggest problem that you have?
00:34:21
Speaker
I suppose. That's a good point, yeah. I was just this is fucking stupid. But of get why you're I get what you're saying. ah you're like They're just going to have a conversation about nothing, about being afraid. Yeah. you find out here that Jack has kind kind of gotten the idea in his mind of like, I could just become the the captain of the Dutchman and then be immortal.
00:34:42
Speaker
It's like kind of where the idea is conceived. um they find a dead Singaporean and then notice South Fang who pulls up and ah will reveals that's him and South Fang made a deal on the side and he was going to give him Jack Sparrow. in He was going to, the deal was he was going to give him Jack Sparrow in exchange for some sloppy fucking top. Yeah. That's what's right.
00:35:07
Speaker
Yeah. I do that all day. you wanted a fucking massage. Right. Yeah. out There in fucking Southeast Asia. that a Nice little happy ending, you know? Right. Remember that song? Happy ending?
00:35:19
Speaker
Hello, how you doing? I can give you nice massage. It's something like that. That one. Yeah. It's a black guy. It is a black guy. it's not racist, right? It's a non-mean. It's a non-mean impersonating.
00:35:31
Speaker
It is. ah So the deal was Will was going to give... This is one of many deals, by the way. Just, you know. There's going to get... Yeah. There's a lot of them. The exchange was well gives...
00:35:44
Speaker
Sal, Jack in exchange for the Black Pearl. Because his dad's on the Black Pearl and that's the only reason that he cares. Nah, his dad's on the Dutchman. But the right the Pearl is faster than the Dutchman.
00:35:57
Speaker
So that's why they need the Pearl. ah Liz is pissed that Will didn't say anything about this. ah We cut to Beckett's office because so brought the navy the Navy, the British Navy pulled up and Sal did not honor the deal he had with Will and brought in Beckett and Beckett promised Sal the Black Pearl, which also did not happen.
00:36:23
Speaker
So we'll get to that in a second. So we're in Beckett's off with Jack and Beckett wants to know about the nine pieces of eight and where the brethren are meeting. It cuts back and forth between two different conversations. It's Massa and Barbossa talking and it's Beckett and Jack Sparrow talking. So we just go back and forth.
00:36:43
Speaker
Uh, so we cut back to Sal who's talking to Barbossa and he's like, oh, the Navy's going to give me a black pro because I brought them you fucks. Uh, and Barbossa's like, yeah, you think so?
00:36:56
Speaker
Um, and he's like, he's like, you're just, uh, Sal's like, I'm just staying with like the the winning side. And Barbossa's like, well, they ain't that strong because we're going to unleash Calypso.
00:37:07
Speaker
He's like, oh, are you really? That's a myth. We cut back to ah Jack and he agrees to give Beckett, Will Turner, especially Will Turner, Barbosa and the dummies.
00:37:22
Speaker
And in exchange, Jack wants the pearl and his freedom ah where Beckett points out his debt to Davy Jones is not repaid because while he was dead, he did come back and did not serve his time.
00:37:36
Speaker
Cut back to Massa and Barbossa, and he wants Liz in exchange. And she's like, sure. And Liz and Will's like, what the fuck? And she's like, no, it's fine. I want that Asian dick.
00:37:51
Speaker
Oh, my God. rawell She wants that. on your on yeah So also, part of the deal is Jack is going to bring Beckett to the Shipwreck Cove where ah the holdup is, where the brethren are meeting.
00:38:06
Speaker
He'll show him. And Beckett's like, well, I have the compass, so why the fuck do I need you? And he's like, well, you're gonna get there and then not be able to get in, so you can use me to get in there for you. I can wiggle my way in there. Did you catch that, everybody?
00:38:19
Speaker
So the agreement is Jack is going to let... Jack is going to bring Homie to Shipwreck Cove to find all the pirates, and in exchange, he's going to get to live.
00:38:32
Speaker
Right. But we still to deal with Davy Jones. So as we're talking, the naval boat gets shot, and it turns out that Massa has decided to side Barbossa, and the two of them overthrow ah the ship and take back their The Pearl.
00:38:48
Speaker
Which, it seems like they're all the same ship, but then we find out that Massa goes off on his own ship and Barbossa goes off on his own ship. ah We see Jack flamishuff over to the ship and sends Will to the brig for betraying him because he brought the navy.
00:39:03
Speaker
Brought the fucking heat. Yeah, he's like, yo! um I'm just gonna, read we gotta cut this. I'm just gonna read this as I wrote it, though.
00:39:14
Speaker
Kinda, right? Yeah, we gotta cut that. We'll call it ceremonial garb. Yeah. um And ah basically, Barbossa led Massa to believe that she's Calypso, but she ain't.
00:39:29
Speaker
um And he thinks that Liz is Calypso bound to human form. And he tries to put the moves on Liz, he being Sal. And she bites him.
00:39:41
Speaker
And then they're attacked by the Dutchman. And Sal gets skewered. His name is Sal, right? Sal Fang? Yeah. Okay. He gets skewered. So now he's having Korean barbecue. No.
00:39:58
Speaker
ah And he gives her the ninth piece of eight and tells her to go in his place as a pirate lord. um And then this part, wow. I mean, this is some of the wildest.
00:40:09
Speaker
Like, I don't get any of this. But Liz meets up with Norrington because he, the Dutchman is is being operated by the Navy. So Norrington's like on the ship with them.
00:40:22
Speaker
And he has no idea that her father is dead, but she don't believe him ah when Davy Jones pulls up and sends them all to the brig. Not Norrington, but like her and her crew.
00:40:35
Speaker
We cut to this brig they're sent to, the cell. And the Liz starts calling around for a bootstrap bill. And he's in the wall. Literally in the wall. I'm in the closet. He's in the wall.
00:40:46
Speaker
Yeah, he's like part of it. Because he's like barnacle. Right. Barnacle bootstrap bill. Right. Ooh, there you go. um I got some barnacles on my nutsack.
00:40:57
Speaker
That's not healthy. No, it's not good at all. Can I pick them off for you? You can. My teeth?
00:41:06
Speaker
She tells Bootstrap Bill that Will's coming for him, and he's like, nah, that can't happen because he can only have one. And he's like, tell him go back. And then goes back into the wall and closes his eyes. She pokes him. She's kind like, pfft.
00:41:19
Speaker
but And then he recites the same lines he recited to her before. so like he's like lost his mind. We cut you. Go ahead. Would you dick down like one of the barnacle dudes?
00:41:32
Speaker
No, not in a long shot. And I would probably take me down either. Can you imagine how rough that would be? Probably no one in this movie besides Liz. Not because, you know, we don't like men. You know what saying? We like some men.
00:41:48
Speaker
I mean, we'll turn wolf turns a piece. Yeah, but everybody else has like bad hygiene. I mean, her snatch can't be in that good a condition if you think about it. Not anymore, but her mouth's still good. Somehow, she's probably still brushing her teeth, somehow. I think you want to tell yourself that. Ain't none of brushing their teeth, bro.
00:42:04
Speaker
Well, no, most of them are black. Not their skin, their teeth. Yeah, most of them are black. Like, what is that to anything? Their teeth are black. yeah Yeah, their teeth are black, not their skin.
00:42:17
Speaker
No, barely any of those. Right. Right. um The Navy now were with them and they're following a trail of bodies that are floating on barrels. ah We find out it's Will Turner who already escaped the brig. He was in the brig for about 30 seconds.
00:42:32
Speaker
Yeah. and fucking kids ah Jack catches him in the act and offers so Davy Jones for him so he can get the Dutchman job. And then Will does not decide between keeping his father or Liz.
00:42:48
Speaker
and We find out here that he wants to be immortal. um And he breathes in Will's face and that's just so nasty that Will falls right off the ship and he tosses him the compass and he's like, good luck, figure it out.
00:43:00
Speaker
um We cut to Norrington who's freeing Liz and she's with her Singaporean crew. and Just kind of out of nowhere, like, all right, so the last time we saw Norrington was in the second movie. He was a drunk fucking blabbering idiot.
00:43:17
Speaker
and Right. And before that, he was just trying to put the moves on Liz, and Liz had no interest in being with him. He did let them go at the end of one. That is a fact. That is a fact, but at the end of two, like, he stole the heart.
00:43:32
Speaker
Right. So all of a sudden now, he's become a heartthrob, and I'm not sure why. Liz tells Norrington to go with them, and he's like, no. And he kisses Liz, and she don't pull out of it.
00:43:45
Speaker
We know what ah she her pulling out of a kiss looks like. We saw that with fucking Hal. Yeah, she's full sent. So she is like, you're a little hoe. You're little fucking slut-ass, bro.
00:43:57
Speaker
Like, yeah, you probably could have convinced Jack a different way. You probably just wanted to see how it was to be with the Captain Jack Sparrow. Right. right Keira Knightley just wanted to kiss Johnny Depp.
00:44:09
Speaker
That's what it is. She wanted to kiss all these big name actors. That's what it is. Yeah. Except for Davy Jones. Right. Or Barbossa. You don't want kiss Jeffrey Rush? I get it.
00:44:20
Speaker
I get it. yeah I get it. So, boot shop Bill walks over and calls for an escape. um But they're already climbing this like wire line to to to where? I don't know. To a rescue boat? Where does this line go to?
00:44:37
Speaker
I don't know. It's never explained. Another ship.
00:44:42
Speaker
um
00:44:45
Speaker
Yeah, I have no idea where they where they where they go. It's just kind of there. And then Norrington shoots the line they can escape. And Bootstrap stabs Norrington. And we see Liz like in the water like screaming all sad that Norrington died. You literally had never had any interest in this man for the past two movies. All of a sudden, now you do.
00:45:02
Speaker
Right. Fucking stupid. So fucking dumb. ah Davy Jones walks over and asks Norrington he fears death. And then he just stabs Norrington. Norrington tries to stab Davy Jones, which he has no heart.
00:45:14
Speaker
if That's not going to work, pal. And then he dies. Norrington, not Davy Jones. ah Davy Jones walks back to like captain's quarters and the Navy is still sitting there. Two cannons pointed at his heart.
00:45:28
Speaker
ah We find out that Tia is Calypso. We cut to him being summoned by Beckett. ah And Beckett is having tea with Will Turner.
00:45:41
Speaker
And Will tell
00:45:45
Speaker
well tells Davey Jones that Jack Sparrow is in fact alive. um And he's like, what else do I not know? We find out in the conversation that Davy Jones was the first person that initially imprisoned Calypso.
00:46:01
Speaker
and they were in love. They were lovers. But she betrayed him. Yeah. And she gave him a fucking a fish face.
00:46:11
Speaker
No, ahi she got them kinks. She's just in the tentacles. That's why she did it. Yeah, you're right. You know? um So they come up with this plan now because everything that everybody wants is going to one place, right? So Davy Jones wants Sparrow because – well, actually, Davy Jones wants to kill Calypso.
00:46:30
Speaker
He wants to – That's the ultimate goal. Jack got pushed to the side. Yeah. Beckett still wants all the pirates and Will wants the Dutchman to free his father.
00:46:46
Speaker
And they're like, how we going to get there? And Jack has, or Will has the compass. So he used the compass to get there. That's the new plan. But things are going to change about 15 minutes. Because right now, Will's a bad guy. Yeah.
00:46:59
Speaker
For about 15 minutes. i mean, it looks like Will sold his soul to the Navy. Right. And I get It was all part of the plan. so I don't think that's the thing, though. I don't think it is part of the plan because no one else knows.
00:47:14
Speaker
that's the they they They ain't talking to each other. They're just making decisions on their own. Right. So I think it's like everybody like in that moment, they're like, flip a switch and you're like, all right, you have the better idea. I'm going with you.
00:47:31
Speaker
i mean, will Will got kicked off the boat. and then had to make up something on the fly, you're 100% right. Yeah. Everything's on the fly. Like, what's best for the current objective? He just gets kicked off the boat and picked up by the Navy.
00:47:43
Speaker
Yeah. Everybody's like, all right, how do I survive? I'm going with you. All right, bet. Which maybe Sparrow knew ahead of time that he would get picked up by the Navy. Could he predict that chain of events that would follow after that? I don't know. Probably not, but maybe.
00:47:56
Speaker
But Jack's, like, low-key smart, even though he's kind of an idiot. No, he's smart. He's a smart cookie. Um... So we cut to the, we're finally at the brethren court. You're like, oh, maybe this movie's almost over. It's not.
00:48:08
Speaker
This is only like an hour in. Yeah. um It's the fourth one ever and the nine pieces of eight, but it's actually not the coins. It's just whatever they have on them. And Lizbeth shows up as captain of, ah she represents that like one, or I'm sorry. She's like the the ninth pirate Lord. Yeah. She's the new South thing.
00:48:31
Speaker
And tells all them... She doesn't say that. Yeah, we got to fight. ah She shares with them that Beckett and Davy Jones are after them.
00:48:45
Speaker
um Barbossa pitches releasing Calypso to help them fight. And Abraal breaks out. Basically, Calypso, they all think Calypso would not be happy that ah with them because they're the ones that like put her away.
00:49:01
Speaker
um we cut to Tia who is locked up in a cell because she was on the boat with who? I don't know.
00:49:13
Speaker
But for some reason, she's in a cell. She's on the... um she was with the black but She was with the Black Pearl crew. Right. And they have not been captured yet. Correct. She's just down there.
00:49:25
Speaker
In a cell. Yeah. And then Davy Jones just teleports to her. Okay. I like literally just didn't make any sense. Why is she in a cell?
00:49:37
Speaker
Well, that's the, cause they couldn't like they, cause you know, they know that she's technically kind of evil, but
00:49:47
Speaker
cause if they, if they're going to, you know, release her. Yeah, but she wants to be released. Yeah, but not everybody else does.
00:50:01
Speaker
yeah Okay, you see like how what we're saying makes no sense? I'm trying here. so if she What boat is she on? That's the question. if we're saying ah the and we're saying She's got to be on the Pearl.
00:50:14
Speaker
Okay, so she's on the Pearl, right? Yeah. Okay, if she's on the Pearl with the rest the people who know that she's Calypso and they intend to free her, but they're scared of what she'll do And she says in this next thing that she wants to be released and she wants to become Calypso.
00:50:31
Speaker
Why are we locking her up? it's It's what the crew wants and it's what she wants. So why is she locked up?
00:50:41
Speaker
To protect her, maybe? From Davy Jones? I'm getting raped? I don't know. David Jones goes through the fucking cell wall, bro. I know.
00:50:52
Speaker
i don't know. So what? Like, I don't, I don't. But she can't be on the Dutchman.
00:50:59
Speaker
Right. Because she wass on the Dutchman, she would have been with Liz on the Hound ship. Right. And they didn't take her on the Hound ship. And she's not on the naval ship. Right. She's definitely on the naval ship.
00:51:12
Speaker
So it's the Pearl. I just don't get why she's locked up. I just don't. I don't. If someone out there is smarter than us can tell us or knows Gore Verbinski, or if you are Gore Verbinski, just let us know why she's in that cell.
00:51:23
Speaker
So the only way I can get like, you know, ah Davy Jones just like popping up and no one like freaking out, right? Is because they're all in the meeting. Right.
00:51:36
Speaker
But it still doesn't make sense.
00:51:42
Speaker
So anyways, he comes to visit her and she's locked. Why she in a fucking cage? She's not an animal. She's a woman. That's where they go in a fucking cage. I mean, yeah. Right.
00:51:53
Speaker
I'm kidding. I think I'm in ease on that. Get in the cage. Yeah. Uh,
00:52:01
Speaker
So the reason why her and David Jones have beef is because the one day out of 10 years that allowed to be on land, she wasn't there for him Because honestly, i thought they were going to this direction.
00:52:11
Speaker
She was probably dicking down Jack Sparrow. because they have so yeah Because they have alluded to her and Jack being like intimate in the past in the previous movies. that That would be a good choice.
00:52:23
Speaker
Like, what were you doing that one day I was free? I was fucking taking it. i was Yeah, and that's why Davy Jones hates Jack. Right? It's so much more... It's so much more... It's so much more... better movie, is it not?
00:52:35
Speaker
Yeah, it's not because of the Pearl. It's because he's fucking dicking down his girl. Because we're Eskimo brothers. That's why. Right. We've both been in there. That's... Dude, that's... Isn't that... It's a way better movie.
00:52:46
Speaker
Disney hit us up. That's the... That would be the Disney route, right? Yeah. That would make the most sense. Why are we making it more complex than it has to be? Yeah, what's the name of this movie? At World End? Yeah.
00:52:58
Speaker
You call it At Cock's End. Get it? Because everybody everybody's just trying to get it, right? It all comes down to sex. yeah The only person that's not trying to get it is Barbossa.
00:53:09
Speaker
Barbossa's just kind of thrown into it. Yeah, Barbossa's like not horny, which is like interesting. he was working most He was in the first movie. He was like making Elizabeth wear those fucking weird dresses and shit.
00:53:22
Speaker
It's true, but that's funny what that's when he was a bad guy. Right. Now he's a good guy. ah Okay. So she touches his chest as in dan Danny. Danny.
00:53:36
Speaker
Danny. Danny's chest. Danny's chest. Danny Towers. Danny Towers's chest. Shout out to that guy. He quit and then came back, dude. Oh, he's back? w yeah He hit me up. like He's like, have my job back? And I was like, sure.
00:53:51
Speaker
Why'd you quit in the first place? I don't know, but shout out to you, Danny Towers. He's back, baby. not his real name. I'm not divulging anybody's true identity. Right. um I thought it was his real name, and it's not.
00:54:03
Speaker
But Danny Towers is also a rapper, because so we could be talking about him. But it's not him. Right. but ah Yeah. So he turns human for a second. He's ugly. youre If you're able to pitch to me or tell me the agreement they made about...
00:54:18
Speaker
whatever i don't know what they i literally don't know what they were saying in this part i don't i don't know what she was saying at all i don't know what she was saying or what he was saying uh but essentially what i can gather is i feel like davy jones is trying to like get her to be on their side when they fought the pirates and then the pirates trying to get her to be on their side yeah I don't know.
00:54:44
Speaker
This scene made literally no sense. Why? she like Cut this whole scene. Just cut it. Cut it, yeah, because like she's mad at... or He's mad at her. She's like trying to flirt with him.
00:54:56
Speaker
Then like he's mad at like she's mad at him again, and then she's mad, but then he phases through the wall, and they agree on something, and then he goes away. Right. Danny. All right. David Jones. de Yo, David Jones. He was just 137 when
00:55:12
Speaker
I want to cock him out. Barbossa at the meeting calls for Teague, who is the pirate king. And I wrote down he looks like Jack but older.
00:55:24
Speaker
And he unveils the pirate code, which is like a big-ass book. And the dog is back. The dog had the chest or the key. The key wasn't to the cell. It was to book. The key was to the book.
00:55:37
Speaker
And they were like, ah how the how'd the dog get back? And he's like, sea turtles. and gover benchch is like this movie that And Gore Verbinski's like, this whole movie makes no sense. We'll just add more shit that makes no sense.
00:55:51
Speaker
Right. Like, no worries. We got you guys covered. Spoiler alert. This guy is Jack's father. And he has no role in this movie after this.
00:56:05
Speaker
uh so basically there was only ever one pirate king because every time they have an election everyone votes for themselves makes sense jack calls for a vote and essentially there's all these different ideas they want to some people want to just uh hide inside the shipwreck cove like the the fortress uh Elizabeth wants to fight them and Barbossa wants to unleash the unleash the dead Kraken.
00:56:36
Speaker
No, he wants to unleash Calypso on him. Shut up. ah Jack calls for a vote and everybody votes for himself except Jack does a plot twist and votes for Elizabeth and she becomes the pirate queen.
00:56:52
Speaker
And now they all listen to her and she says they're going to fight the Navy. So I thought it's like, oh, maybe the movie's almost over now. No, it's not. I thought when they were doing their voting, I thought she was going to vote for Jack.
00:57:04
Speaker
No, I don't think she's like twisted much. even though she's not Not right now. um By the end of the movie, yes. Then I wrote, confirm Teague is Jack's father because he asks... How's mom?
00:57:16
Speaker
How's mom? And he has her head right there. i Yeah. Probably fucks her head like Jason does. don Yeah, but it's a shrunken head, so... Yeah, i mean, you got that... You can hang her up in the night bus and be like, hey, take it away, Ernie.
00:57:33
Speaker
Take it away, Eddie. That was funny. But but like you think that Jack's father would play a very pivotal role in the plot if you're going to bring him in.
00:57:44
Speaker
Also, why does Jack have parents that like exist in the film? Yeah, his dad looks like he was like 55. Jack could be like 45. we didn't We also didn't shout out that guy who plays him.
00:57:57
Speaker
I'm pretty sure we did because I said shout out Teague. Oh, then never mind. I'm also still looking at the ring cast, so ignore me. Oh, yeah. Takeyama Yoshi. So we go to, they're about to have the war, and we find out that the the pirates are greatly outnumbered.
00:58:15
Speaker
ah And there's a very dramatic setup to a meeting between Barbossa, Jack, Liz, meeting with Beckett, ah Davy Jones, and... To Una.
00:58:26
Speaker
ah And Beckett's like, all right, Sparrow, thank you for leading us to the pirates. Come claim your prize. And they all look at Jack like, the fuck, you what did you do? You working with them? Yeah.
00:58:39
Speaker
ah And Davey Jones like, your debt's not repaid to me. You still owe 100 years of service. um And this is when Liz offers trading Jack for Will. I don't know why we're trading people for people when we're about to fight in 30 seconds. I don't get what... yeah like you know so well Making deals and not getting our freedom is still moving forward.
00:59:04
Speaker
Yeah, but now it's like, oh, they were together.
00:59:09
Speaker
Who's that? So now we're going to fight our own guy? Well, they lock Jack up. They do. Well, yeah. But then Will is just, you know, out and about. And they know that Will's like a capable, like, captain, right?
00:59:22
Speaker
Like, he's not an idiot. Yeah. So the the Navy and Davy Jones just give them the best fighter out of all of them?
00:59:33
Speaker
I don't really, I don't, I don't get this part at all. Uh, so Liz offers a trade. ah yeah. Jack for will and Barbosa loses his shit.
00:59:45
Speaker
Uh, and he cuts off Jack's little fucking dangly thing. Cause that's his piece of the nine. His bald hair. ain't got no bald hair. He got do it.
00:59:56
Speaker
Yo, you know, somebody fit my dress. You got doobrack on him. li Elizabeth tells ah fucking Beckett, you remember my father? And walks off.
01:00:07
Speaker
We cut to Jack who's in the brig where he's talking to versions himself. Will tells Barbossa not to release Calypso. This was a fire part you missed. The one Jack is like a skeleton and he picks his brain out and licks it.
01:00:21
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Sorry, I missed that. Whatever. It was fine. i just thought No, because it's like, you know, Disney movie again. Dude's licking his own brain. Want lick my brain?
01:00:37
Speaker
Give me brain, give me Becky, give me hate. Will tells Barbossa not to release Calypso and the whole crew pulls their guns on Will. And they put the nine pieces of eight into this hat and they got light it um fire.
01:00:52
Speaker
have to say this phrase, they it sexually. And homeboy Barbosa does not say it sexually enough so nothing happens. But homeboy with the with the no eye says it nice and sexually.
01:01:06
Speaker
And his eye was one of the nine pieces. So now he's eyeless. Eyeless. Fuckless. Now he looks like Fetty Wap.
01:01:17
Speaker
ah Right before like she becomes a giant, Will tells... Tia that Davy Jones betrayed her. um How did she not know that?
01:01:31
Speaker
I don't know how... After all this time? and i don't know i don't know how Davy Jones betrayed her. i still don't understand what exactly... Why they hate each other? Yeah, he was supposed to be the... to be He was supposed to ferry people from the living to the dead.
01:01:49
Speaker
that was like his He was like the Grim Reaper, basically. Right. Of the seas. And then he slacked off maybe. And then maybe she turned him into an octopus face. And then he cut his heart out.
01:02:04
Speaker
If someone out there knows, telling this is like the most convoluted fucking movie of all time. For no reason. this doesn't come to be This is more convoluted than Black Bag.
01:02:14
Speaker
No. No? No, because at least at the end of this movie, I walk away like, all right. I know what happened at the end.
01:02:26
Speaker
but You could also say you don't have to the end of Black Bag. I don't like the resolution. Okay. I don't like that movie. So them unleashing Calypso is literally just like, you remember those me but those figures when you were a kid and you like suck them water they become really big?
01:02:44
Speaker
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happened. like I was like, this is what this is the buildup to Calypso is she's just like a fucking lady that becomes giant? She looks the same. Yeah. She said her true form.
01:02:55
Speaker
but You're in it, bro. I thought she was like a shapeshifter or something. And but but she literally just did like the Ant-Man thing. um Barbossa also did not break through the ropes that she was tied to.
01:03:08
Speaker
Became a giant. The ropes just stretched with her. Barbossa asked her to spare the crew, and then she just turned into crabs, I think.
01:03:20
Speaker
It's turned into a bunch of crabs and like makes a storm show up. Goes into the water. Barbossa says that he ain't fighting for Liz's dead father.
01:03:31
Speaker
ain't fighting it. Yeah. and Liz tries gives this motivational speech. They're all in all of a sudden in like 30 seconds. Calypso becomes a storm.
01:03:41
Speaker
And I wrote that the storm hits and Davy Jones loving her squirt. He's like, ah, like he said. Yeah. He really is. like He was like Calypso and he was like was just fucking in it. thought he was bad but yeah it did look like that.
01:04:00
Speaker
yeah ah She creates a toilet bowl in middle the ocean. toilet bowl. Yeah. And ah they ride it.
01:04:12
Speaker
They're like rimming it, dude. Just rimming the edge. Yeah. I do. My beef with this movie is they make it seem like they're so outnumbered, but literally the next 25 ish minutes of this movie are just two ships battling. And then the crew is just standing in by watching.
01:04:30
Speaker
Right. Like, after this whole thing ends, like, oh, the whole fucking naval fleet is still sitting there. and i got Like, make it feel like a fucking full-scale war. What the fuck are we doing?
01:04:40
Speaker
Also, wouldn if you're the Navy, right, wouldn't you just, like, backshot them when they're, like... Yeah, Navy. just start, like, backshotting them when they're, like... gonna fucking do my backshot, bro. I know, but they're, like, worried there they're worried about each other, so now's your opportunity. Take, like, pop shots from a distance.
01:05:00
Speaker
pop it on my back. That's why. Why is it? What if it made that sound? Yeah. When you fucking luge? Yeah. Crazy. Um, it's like stuck. It shoots out really far.
01:05:13
Speaker
It's like you have a kidney stone, but it's a cum ball. It's like just dried cum. Oh, yeah. Kidney stones seem very painful. They're like spiky. Yeah. It's like my, it's my top five for fears. I would say. Yeah. Right.
01:05:25
Speaker
Anything with penis? Yeah. Fucking testicular torsion. Yeah. Yeah, anyways. I don't like anything with eyes. ah Jack is able to escape from the brig opening the cell door the way they did in Pirates 1 with Will.
01:05:40
Speaker
It's like a leverage or something. Just pick it up and it comes off. It's your basic simple machine. It's a wedge. ah The next thing we see is a cannon fight in the toilet bowl. Yeah.
01:05:53
Speaker
yeah ah Jack enters Davy Jones' quarters where the chest is being guarded by those two fucking bozos from the first movie. um He just grabs his effects again, and those two fucking bozos start arguing, and Jack just takes the chest. It's that easy.
01:06:11
Speaker
i did I did want to mention one thing about this movie, though. The CGI for 2007 is pretty good. The Majora's movie looks good, yes. And, like, obviously everything's CGI because...
01:06:23
Speaker
Yes, 2007. five thousand see It looks good. The Dutchman is taking some damage and some of the guards surround it that are like around Mercer get fucking destroyed. So Davy Jones fuck faces.
01:06:39
Speaker
faces No, literally, though, face fucks Mercer and like shoves his tentacles down his throat. And one came out his nose. It was natty it was kind of nasty.
01:06:52
Speaker
And takes the key to his chest and literally turns around bumps into Jack, who has the chest. um And Jack tries to use like the mast to escape, and they end up having a sword fight on the mast.
01:07:03
Speaker
sort of Yeah! I don't really get Go Whacking each other with their masts on a big mast.
01:07:11
Speaker
We're going stick to stick. Stick to stick. Then I don't get why both ships like swing across to each other's ships. like a ship swap. Well...
01:07:24
Speaker
Because like they're going down, right? You want a split swap? Yeah. They get like latched onto each other. Their masts intertwine.
01:07:34
Speaker
Yeah, um that's why not what I was saying. They like what they like swing rope. They shoot rope. Yeah, to each other. yeah yeah Well, because they can't fight anymore. You're over there now. i can't They can't shoot cannons anymore because they're both at a 40 degree angle in the whirlpool.
01:07:52
Speaker
in the toilet bowl yeah well yeah i'm just like if people are here and here and they go like this it's like oh now we're on right you come back no you come back yeah yeah anyways uh they invade each other and have like some fighting going on and then the battle looked cool and there's a stupid corny will you marry me bullshit in the middle of it i know oh like this is what i've wanted the entire series so far is just big pirate battles Yeah, and Will asks Liz to marry him, and he asks Barbossa to marry them officially.
01:08:25
Speaker
Who cares? Jack slices off ah Davy Jones' tentacle with the key. One little tentacle. There was some blood. ah The ships collide here, and their masks intertwine, like you said, and Jack falls with the chest where...
01:08:45
Speaker
ah Davy Jones grabs the chest and meets up with Jack trying to escape.
01:08:53
Speaker
I said that wrong, but it's fine. At some point, Jack ends up on a rope and he's swinging around and he's got like fucking pinpoint accuracy and shoots the fucking chest out of Davy Jones's hand. Yeah, shoots his shoots his tentacle.
01:09:05
Speaker
And this chest falls ah where Will Turner picks it up. And we have a Will Turner senior versus junior fight. We see Jack versus Davy Jones going at it again.
01:09:16
Speaker
his pulls up, enters the fucking duel. ah Will goes to stab Davy Jones through the heart. Again, has no fucking heart. So stop it. Um, and Davy Jones is about to fucking murder Will when, uh, Jack is like, nope.
01:09:34
Speaker
And he is holding Davy Jones's heart with a knife. Oh, actually with a shattered sword. and Right, because he broke his sword earlier in the movie. Davy Jones is like, you think I fucking care? And he stabs Will and kills him.
Climactic Resolutions and Aftermath
01:09:49
Speaker
and Will Turner Sr. sees this and attacks Davy Jones, this is where Jack uses Will's hand to stab the heart. Fucking Jack was all like, I want to be captain of the Dutchman.
01:10:02
Speaker
I want to be captain and live immortally, and then decided, no, not going to do that. Well, you could do the nice guy because Will's dying. Like, this is the only way to bring him back. Yeah, but he could just stab the heart in the first place because he wanted it so bad. He fucking wanted it.
01:10:17
Speaker
No, I know, but Jack's just showing he's a good guy. So they shoot a cannon straight up in the air, ah to free a tangle from the ships because they stabbed Davy Jones's heart. He dies and falls off the ship and goes into the abyss.
01:10:34
Speaker
Uh, Will dies. We assume that Will Sr. cuts his heart out. Jack makes a parachute and him and Liz fucking pull out of there like Mission Impossible style.
01:10:47
Speaker
We see the Dutchman go underwater. We go to the Pearl and this is where it's like, oh, the entire armada, naval fleet still waiting for us. Oops. And Jack's like, just wait.
01:10:58
Speaker
We got this. And Beckett's like, I'm not honoring our agreement. Fuck you. And that's when the Dutchman reapp reappears. ah All the crew are human because they've served their debt to Davy Jones.
01:11:10
Speaker
um And the Dutchman and the Pearl double team, the Endeavor, which is like the lead ship that Beckett is on. Because the new captain of the Dutchman is Will Turner.
01:11:22
Speaker
There's a slow-mo of Beckett walking on the ship as he gets fucking obliterated. um And the Navy retreats. Will frees his father, but obviously his father wants to stay with his son.
01:11:33
Speaker
um The next scene is Liz and Will fucking on the beach. ah He's literally just... He straight eat her box, bro. Yeah, because... He's like, oh I need my like pirate shit. So he's like stripping her.
01:11:46
Speaker
and Also, he's like he's like, my one day on the beach for 10 years, so give it to me. Good. Right. And she he like goes gets down on his knees to like take her boot off, and then he like starts like going towards her thigh with his face.
01:11:57
Speaker
No, that's his boot. He was wearing one of them. She had the she had his boot on. They were brawl playing. Oh, okay. And then like you cut to like her face when he's going in, and she's like moaning. She's like, oh...
01:12:10
Speaker
And Disney's like, yeah you can lick her knee, but we're going to make it seem like you're eating her box out. Absolutely. Yeah, and her shit was probably still aggravated from the first movie. Still inflamed.
01:12:21
Speaker
It's like, damn, girl, why is it so red? but Still. yo sure you sure you're getting dicked by Jack? It's not me. Why you got a fucking red hot on the top of your fucking pussy, dude? What the fuck is going on? Davey Jode sticks up with his squid ink up in there. What's going on? Yo, why you got squid ink for?
01:12:38
Speaker
Because he's an octopus. He was using that fucking claw and just pinching it. Yanking it. it Like just... ah Torturing her. Like he was trying to fucking pop a pimple. or Like her clit was a pimple. He was trying to fucking pop it.
01:12:57
Speaker
Because the tweezers out. He's like, he's ending grown hair. You got the fucking pincher hair the fucking gripper. You know mean? said gripper. g Gripper.
01:13:13
Speaker
Don't forget to pull up your zipper. So you're like, oh you're like oh the movie's over. No, it's not over yet. We cut to Jack Spare with some hookers.
01:13:29
Speaker
right They are, though. Yeah, they are. They're hookers. And he's like, come see my big boat. And it's a little rowboat. He's like, i promise it's bigger.
01:13:40
Speaker
And he's like, Gibbs, where's the boat? And he's like, we're on the boat, but they're on a dock. And Barbossa has the ship. And the crew feel right leaving Jack without, you know, abandoning Jack. And Barbossa's like, no, I got this map.
01:13:53
Speaker
But that map has doesn't have a hole in it. It's missing. The map is missing a piece, a big piece. The entire middle. you could I could not dick fuck that hole. It was so big.
01:14:06
Speaker
Right. The Hulk probably could. Probably. And Jack has that section of the map that actually matters on
Movie Critiques and Future Speculations
01:14:13
Speaker
a rowboat. And that's the end of the movie. We did that in under an hour, I think.
01:14:18
Speaker
and So could have cut the movie to like an hour and two hours and would have been good. I think hour and a half. I think 90 minutes later. A lot of what happens in this movie, a lot of it could have gotten covered in two and three could have been like an entirely different thing.
01:14:34
Speaker
Just make an entirely big naval battle for half the movie. Yeah, also just some of the character decisions are like... All over the place. You can't keep up.
01:14:46
Speaker
I forgot to mention they send fucking they send fucking homeboy. They send Liz over there to like that ship to like see him before she gets her box eaten out. Right. They consummated the marriage. That's what they did.
01:14:58
Speaker
Yeah. I'm going to fucking... don't know. Anyways, this movie really took a lot of my energy out of me, I feel like. Just like trying to follow the fucking all the deals being made. They're getting worse, and I don't think it gets better.
01:15:12
Speaker
They do not. The next one is like a 2.9 on letterbox. so what are you giving this one?
01:15:19
Speaker
think I'm going to give it a three. Three? i went lower than that. What are you going to give it? Two and a half. I might give it a two and a half. Some of it, I mean.
01:15:32
Speaker
Like the action is good. When there's action, it's good. But it's like everybody's like. swordf fightinging The the end battle is really good. And I'm like, why are we doing this marriage thing right in the middle of it? the marriage thing. And then it's like, also, I just want to, I want to give it a half star just for like insinuating that they hung a kid and that will turn right her box out on the beach.
01:15:53
Speaker
I mean, that's valid, but when they were on the, uh, when they were in the Arctic, that guy literally ripped his own toe off. That's true. So you get a little half star bump for that. yeah You're seeing a little more like blood and stuff. That's cool.
01:16:08
Speaker
I might do two and a half. I'm going to leave for debate right now because I don't know when this episode comes out what I'm going end up rating it. But it was not all bad. It wasn't all good. Now, apparently, i i don't remember ever seeing two. I'll be honest with you. But I saw three in theaters and I've seen one.
01:16:24
Speaker
Next up, ah the next two, I've never seen. I've seen one. I've seen... i don't know which one I have. I don't know which one I saw.
01:16:36
Speaker
On Stranger Tides or Dead Man Tell No Tales? Dead Man Tell No Tales I saw in theaters. The most recent one. And that one I know probably isn't that great.
01:16:47
Speaker
Should have probably kept it a trilogy and even that's pushing it. Probably should have kept it to the first movie because the first movie is vastly superior.
Social Media and Future Plans
01:16:53
Speaker
Oh, they do they do the the movie. Like that map leads to the fountain of youth.
01:16:58
Speaker
That's like what they're going to. That's the new setup for the next movie. And the guy directs his name is Rob Marshall. And he did the live action Little Mermaid. Oh, this guy's track record. well mean he looks like he's He looks like he's on the fucking spectrum. Look at this kid.
01:17:15
Speaker
Oh my god. who does it He looks like bargain bin Jim Carrey. look like fucking beat it to fucking bondage porn. Like autism Jim Carrey. ah And who directs the last one?
01:17:27
Speaker
A bunch of people. Espen Sandberg. Joaquin Ronin. Have they done anything? No. No.
01:17:40
Speaker
This one is a 2.7. Javier Bardem is in that one, though. Armando Salazar. I do remember this. I also saw today that they're doing a sequel to The Social Network. Why the fuck?
01:17:54
Speaker
Why the fuck are we doing that?
01:17:58
Speaker
I don't get it. i just Where are we at in society where we're doing fucking sequels from movies that don't need sequels? Why? just don't. It's just fucking sequels. What else you want to know about Jeff Bezos' life? Nothing. and it's not Jeff Bezos.
01:18:11
Speaker
That's Amazon. Oh, Facebook. Yeah, yeah, Mark Zuckerberg.
01:18:16
Speaker
um All right. We'll do a... Plug it in. Plug it in. So follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail.com.
01:18:29
Speaker
Follow us on YouTube and TikTok for the clips. They're back. Such a wet far I just took. Follow us on Letterboxd. Give us a fucking ah was a fucking call on the voicemail. 5088 fist us.
01:18:46
Speaker
5088 dip my tip.
01:18:49
Speaker
Six minute left. And listen to our other physical media podcast. Yeah. You want it? Available on our page. Fucking give it to you?
01:19:01
Speaker
Once a month, hopefully. ah Next week, ah according to our schedule. Well, actually, the day listen to this, we'll be at a ghost concert. Time well spent. Better than watching for this fucking movie.
01:19:13
Speaker
That's facts. ah so That's cool for us. Cost way more, though. That is cool for us. Worth it.
01:19:21
Speaker
what probably your story We'll probably be recording a Yeah, You'll Want It in person right now when you're listening to this. That's true. i don't know how we're going to do that, but we'll figure it out. I have ideas. All right. that But next week, we are reviewing Fantastic Four.
01:19:39
Speaker
Hopefully it's, I mean, hopefully Superman the week before this is like the first good movie this year. And then Fantastic Four is a second good movie this year. I'll even take mid two and three. It'll be second and third good movie because, I'll give final destination was a good movie.
01:19:53
Speaker
Okay. So Fantastic Four is like at least on the level of Craven. I'll be happy. That's where we're at in society now. Cause Craven was like just on the borderline of yeah, I like this.
01:20:06
Speaker
Um, I still think we shouldn't tell them what the one-year movie is yet. i think we should keep it a secret. i think we should even I think we should even just label the episode one-year anniversary special and just not say anything, like nothing.
01:20:18
Speaker
Like, listen to find out. I think we should keep it like top, top secret. Still give a ah like ah and trigger warning at the beginning. Yeah. So typically we've been doing the the episode, a franchise, like Pirates episode. So we're taking two weeks off because we're to review it Fantastic Four next week for episode 63.
01:20:36
Speaker
Episode 64 is going to be our one-year anniversary special. It's releasing on August 7th, which I don't believe is a Tuesday this year, but it is coming out. Yeah. Yeah.
01:20:49
Speaker
um get yeah it's a Thursday going to come on Thursday because it's exactly our one whole year doing the podcast isn't that amazing good for us we made it there where we only have to do one two three
01:21:05
Speaker
we like right now have to do three more recordings to get to that spot and one of them is that movie that we have to review insane that I have to watch again I'm excited to watch it again get your meat ready I'm fucking, I'm ready. the lotion ready. I'll be fucking getting napkins.
01:21:26
Speaker
Stroking it. Uh,
01:21:31
Speaker
we'll learn the weekends. Uh, okay. Other than that, uh, Get ready for... We're based i mean we basically in August when you're fucking hearing this.
01:21:43
Speaker
Basically there. Basically August when you're hearing this shit. Get ready for fucking Horror Month. Start sending your fucking requests. Now. Now. And we'll see you guys next week.
01:21:57
Speaker
Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.