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The Secret Palermo Bodega
1.2k Plays13 days ago
Patricia shares a useful metaphor to an open heart, but only partially open. That is until a visitor earns access to the full treasures of the secret bodega. No scrotes allowed.
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Transcript
Introduction: Meet the Hosts
00:00:05
Speaker
What's up, queens? Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. your host, Patricia. We're the meanest. Yeah.
00:00:17
Speaker
I have to try. want to try to be meaner. um I feel like that's going to tick tock going around. Hi, everybody. Welcome back. Hello, Patricia. I'm your host, Rose.
Setting the Scene: TikTok Trends and Mystery Topics
00:00:26
Speaker
Today, Patricia has given us a topic, a title that I do not know anything about. so i was like, hey, don't tell me in the pre-show. let's Let's get going on the show and then you can tell me. So Patricia, did you want me to guess?
Secrets of Palermo: The Hidden Bodega
00:00:39
Speaker
Yeah, i'm going to not guess, but I would like to ask you what the title makes you think of or what jumped into your head. Is it even clear? It's a very evocative title, and I like that about it. So Palermo Bodega, right?
00:00:52
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So bodegas in the States are very common. Typically they're run by, it could be Mexican, it could be Chinese, it could be any of the immigrant community, but it's like a small sort of corner store where you get snacks and beverages and smokes. And maybe there's a cat that sits on the countertop that like hangs out.
00:01:12
Speaker
Right So that's my understanding of what a bodega is. Then when we add Palermo, I'm like, that's a really specific region in Italy. So does Patricia actually have a Palermo immigrant in her neighborhood who runs her bodega? That's what I thought.
00:01:29
Speaker
Nice one. And did you also notice that it's a secret? It said secret. So is this because it's like your secret admirer or is it because he's like your special guy and you don't want anybody else to go there?
00:01:43
Speaker
No. So thank you so much for playing along with me. um Now I'm going to say what it is. So Palermo is a really cool city.
00:01:54
Speaker
ah indeed in south of Italy. I really, really loved it. And specifically something that I experienced when I was there, i ah made a friend, a female friend, we were both solo travelers, and we hit it off, we had great conversations, and one of the things that we did is we went to this bodega, or a kiosk, depends where you're from, ye and like it was in the touristy area, and it looked like a very clean and kind of posh.
00:02:26
Speaker
And it didn't have a large selection of items. It was just a few things. And then my friend who was in the know, I think she saw it on social media, you'll understand in a second.
00:02:38
Speaker
She picked up a specific item from the shelves of the bodega and she put it up to a like little ah QR reader or some kind of ah electronic reader that was on the wall, mounted on the wall. I didn't notice that. But the salesperson, he was like, you know, he gave like a little nod.
00:03:01
Speaker
This was something that is common to happen. And then like the secret door that was next to the digital reader opened up. And then we went into like this really, really cool bar.
00:03:14
Speaker
I think it was a little like on the hype side, but but it was like very beautiful. Like all of the historic kind of walls combined with modern building. And they had like really cool cocktails and like a DJ playing vinyls. It was like, the truth it was a very cool place.
00:03:34
Speaker
My God. That, you know, so that sounds so cool. That's like next level because in the States, when we have something like that, we would call it a speakeasy, which is a, yeah, it's a slang word from the era of prohibition when women, right? got ah places...
00:03:53
Speaker
Got liquor shut down. And so speakeasies were like, you know, basement entrances or back doors from like a restaurant or like you say, a grocery store. And you had to know like the code in order to be given permission to get into the speakeasy. And they, there are still places like in Chicago to this day that that's how they advertise it. And generally, like you say, it's kind of got that like old timey feel, the vintage feel. It's a small space. It's usually pretty dim. um But it's got like the vibe, right?
00:04:24
Speaker
Yes. I like your analogy, but you're going to understand in a second why I'm talking specifically about a place that is very sleek.
Metaphors for the Heart: Emotional Openness in Relationships
00:04:33
Speaker
Both the entrance and the inside are very nice. Just the inside is only a very limited place, which is open.
00:04:43
Speaker
And what I'm talking about is our hearts in dating. but I see my myself, my heart as the secret Palermo bodega.
00:04:57
Speaker
It is open. Like there is a part of it that is open, but that part is limited. And in order to gain access to the really nice part, which is like the place with the really nice cocktails and the really beautiful design and the DJ playing vinyls and the AC, all of that thing,
00:05:18
Speaker
you need to have access, you need to gain access, you need to know the code, you need to work your way in and earn your way in. My God, this is so brilliant. This is so smart. Oh my gosh.
00:05:34
Speaker
I love that, Patricia. How did this happen? My heart is closed. It is open. You know, I'm friendly. I'm nice. I'm sweet to boys, to men that I'm talking with.
00:05:46
Speaker
But this is like like, this is exactly the thing. like Until they prove themselves to be a man or they prove themselves to be worthy of my time, to be worthy of taking being taken seriously, it's all like an amusement, you know?
00:06:01
Speaker
It's nice. He's nice. It's a nice conversation. Nice drink. I don't know, whatever. But I think this really exemplifies the FDS principles because it's not about being mean. It's about being reserved and discerning and knowing...
00:06:18
Speaker
that people take time to prove themselves. And you don't need to either be mean and frigid-y or be like super heartfelt and have your heart broken every day Monday and Thursday.
00:06:31
Speaker
awesome I think I like want to add this. I want to amend the ah FDS handbook because this is such a great... metaphor it really is and i think i've talked about this before too or we have talked about this before right where i was saying how there's a part of you that's such a romantic but i've had to learn to like very carefully ration who has access to that when i bring it out how much i allow myself to be um because of course you know before i learned from fds i was just really sort of indiscriminate
00:07:03
Speaker
and would just you know give everything away and thought that I had to have my heart on my sleeve and had to be super sincere and genuine. And I'm not saying that I'm not still sincere and genuine, but you know time and wisdom and experience has really shown me that like most people just, that's not the level they want to operate at. you know It actually makes, excuse me oftentimes if you're with somebody who is quite emotionally healthy,
00:07:28
Speaker
It's a warning sign for those individuals if you are trauma dumping all over them on the first, second, third date. like Anybody who is emotionally regulated knows that's not the time or the place to be sharing your deepest, darkest traumas, right?
00:07:44
Speaker
Yes. And so they will oftentimes, you won't end up dating them because they will see that as ah the red flag that it is and they will and they will move on. um And so actually, when I look back on my dating history, now I'm kind of like, you know, I'm lucky I didn't have more people taking advantage of me because I think I was guilty of that. I think I thought, you know, by sharing like my battle wounds and my trauma and my scars that that would like show the sincerity of my efforts. And like, that was me trying to prove that like, this is who I am. And I think I chased away quite a few decent individuals who were just like, I am not putting up with this, you know, and good for them. That was wisdom on their part. But, but having a secret experience,
00:08:28
Speaker
Palermo bodega as a metaphor is just brilliant because I think we can all recognize like the kiosk or bodega, right? That metaphor. And two, you know, like the thing is, there is so much we can share without sharing all of the worst parts of our lives. Like why would we lead with that?
00:08:47
Speaker
Why would that be something I'd be telling somebody when I'm just meeting them for the first time? Like, do you see why instead of being like, well, of course I have to share and be open and honest, do you see why we're like,
00:08:59
Speaker
It's important to be discerning with who you're open and honest. You can be honest with everybody, but like the openness has to be by degrees. It's a scale. And not everybody is just like ushered through immediately to, you know, the deepest, darkest recesses of your life and your experiences. Right.
00:09:17
Speaker
I'm vigorously nodding. Yes. You're right. And would you you're you're mostly talking about a
Self-Worth and Emotional Growth
00:09:26
Speaker
facet of having your heart open, if I may say.
00:09:29
Speaker
That is about how much you share. And actually, you and Diana had an episode about that that I really liked. Oh. About sharing things gradually. Mm hmm.
00:09:44
Speaker
it's not wise to trauma dump or to trauma bond because you want the bond to reveal itself over time. And more importantly, you want to have a strong center inside you.
00:09:58
Speaker
And a person with a strong center doesn't talk about their very difficult moments with somebody that they just met. Like it's just not appropriate.
00:10:09
Speaker
It's not appropriate. Yeah, it kind of feels like you don't have, like you said, a healthy emotional balance. Because even if you are going through difficult things, um hopefully you will talk about it with, hopefully you have a supportive you know environment, like family and friends, and you can talk about it with them, or maybe psychological therapy, or maybe...
00:10:35
Speaker
even in the very bad scenario, an unfortunate scenario, when somebody doesn't have those very important resources, there are ways to self-regulate. And what I'm trying to say is going into the world... and i was there.
00:10:50
Speaker
But like going into the world unregulated and talking with people that you barely met about your problems, like very deep problems, yeah, that's that's not good.
00:11:02
Speaker
It means that you are in a bad place. Exactly. Exactly. And, you know, I look back at younger me and I'm like, oh, you poor darling. Like there was so much I wish you had known before you ended up where you ended up. But like, again, like it's all a journey we're on Right. We're all going through it at our own pace and and our own timeline. But I look back and there were definitely many situations I got myself into because because of my naivete and unregulated sense of what was happening.
00:11:34
Speaker
appropriate or you know time specific to share like I think for a fair amount of time I sort of prided myself on being very brash and very um almost like uh outre like a little bit outrageous you used two words that I don't know so maybe our listeners don't know them either can you translate yeah yes so hoerss Yeah, um absolutely. So let me see. Typing sound. I love that. Because outré is a French word meaning unconventional, bizarre, or strikingly unusual to the point of shocking. It describes things that go far beyond the bounds of accepted taste or normal expectations. It describes me. That was who I was. Until a certain point where learned to, where learned that you can say anything, but how you say things and how things land actually matter a lot.
00:12:34
Speaker
And it's just about effective communication. In fact, i need to hear this pronunciation. Outre. Outre. Okay, thank you. I love that. Okay. Because a lot of times the words I know, it's just from reading them. I'm like, I think this is how the French is pronounced or this is what I think the the Greek would be. So let's try it this way, you know? I love that there's a word for that. There's a word that describes all of that in one word. That's amazing.
00:12:59
Speaker
This is why I love learning other languages because oftentimes I'm learning things like, oh, there is a word for this. It's just not in English, right? one Very exciting when I find words like that. um So that was me when I was younger. you know Because I'd grown up in such a conventional, very traditional, conservative, blah, blah, blah household. When I got out of it, you know part of me just like really reveled in being outrageous or bizarre, you know? yeah yeah think it's also something about like, it's kind of a flex in a very weird way where you're like, at least that's how it was for me, where I was like, I understand the social codes, but I'm knowingly not complying because social codes are arbitrary. Who said that this is reality, blah, blah, blah, bla blah. Yeah.
00:13:48
Speaker
Absolutely. That was also my, that was also my approach a lot of times. Like, yeah, I don't care what society says. Society's stupid. Okay. And to a certain extent where we're wrong, but again, like if we're talking within the context of dating and establishing, you know, a monogamous, healthy relationship, again, those are correctly identified as red flags to those who have come from a background of like healthy regulation of healthy communication styles of, you know, um relative stability, both emotional and psychological. That's if that's how they were brought up, they're going to identify that as like, this is somebody who is seeking attention for the wrong reasons.
00:14:32
Speaker
Right. That could be one way to interpret that. I would say that's a pretty like ill-willed interpretation, but it can just make somebody uncomfortable. But I would like to like not put a pin in that per se, but I would like to expand the discussion because this is just one facet.
00:14:53
Speaker
And before I move on to other facets, I do want to ah note that what you're saying about now I understand looking back at my dating experiences, the mistakes that I was making because of my belief systems or whatever,
00:15:10
Speaker
I think that's a great place to be in because although it may seem like it may feel a little sad. I also had those realizations like a few months ago, like, oh, that was unfortunate.
00:15:25
Speaker
but it's Like, instead of thinking like, oh, I could have had my first serious boyfriends at age 19 instead 25. Mm hmm. ahead It's more like kind of expanding the horizon and realizing that some people don't figure this stuff out for all of their lives.
00:15:43
Speaker
And if you figured it now, that's very good. This is true. I always like the expression of um the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago.
00:15:54
Speaker
The next best time to plant a tree is today. Today. Yeah. You know, a very beautiful saying. I've always liked that. Like, yes, we should go around planting more trees. And it's okay if you haven't planted any. There's always tomorrow. Yeah, and going back and like very in a very sober way, no pun intended, but realizing your behaviors, like your your past behaviors, like i'm I'm just going to share because I think this is ah very deep before we go back to the bodega story.
00:16:27
Speaker
Like when I was... I don't know, like 18, 19, there were two different men who I had started a relationship with. Talk to different guys.
00:16:39
Speaker
Both sweethearts. Both were very into me. And I dumped them. One of them because I convinced myself that I was bored and one of them because I convinced myself that I'm actually not that into him. I don't know. like yeah The truth is, this is going to be a truth bomb.
00:16:59
Speaker
I could not let myself be loved.
00:17:05
Speaker
Them loving me made them, this hurts to say, worthless in my eyes. like It made them somehow fucked up. because I thought that I was unlovable or I believed that I was unlovable.
00:17:20
Speaker
And I only really, that was when I was, let's say 18, I am now 36. So I took my double the lifespan. Don't understand it. this is There's a really famous quote by Groucho Marx, who was like a famous comedian back in the day in the US. He said, I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as
Love and Duty: Lessons from Parents
00:17:43
Speaker
a member.
00:17:44
Speaker
Oh, I thought that was Woody Allen. That's attributed to Woody Allen. Yeah, that's wrong though. Woody lifted it from Gautreaux Marx. So cool. Okay. it's ah It's such a great, I love that expression. like And that's how I felt a lot of times with with gentlemen who were interested in me. I was like, um and like you say, whatever whatever reason I would tell myself for it, looking back now with sober, wiser eyes, it's like, oh, because like I doubted their judgment.
00:18:13
Speaker
Because they liked me, because they thought I was somebody who was worthy. I was like, oh, something' something's wrong with them. Something's wrong with you. Yeah. Right. This is so painful, but it's I so understand it.
00:18:28
Speaker
And it's painful to understand that. Oh, man. It is very painful. It absolutely is. um Okay, hold up a second. Apparently, it wasn't even Groucho Marx.
00:18:40
Speaker
It's a joke. it can So he did use a version of it, um but apparently it's traced back to a newspaper in Illinois from 1891. And the quote is, quote, that's all right. I'm on the examination board. i can get you in, end quote. Next quote. Then I won't join it, Ferguson. I don't want to have anything to do with a company that would take a risk on me. So this goes back even, this pre precedes even Groucho Marx. But I think...
00:19:09
Speaker
Clearly, this is an ongoing um this is an ongoing human condition that we that many of us have suffered from, right? It is. And some still suffer from it. Some people do that. like they They act it in a different way.
00:19:27
Speaker
like I know somebody that needs to fight for love. And I think that also is the same thing. Like if you only have to fight in order to like fight against all odds to save somebody, for them to understand that they love you. That is also like the same kind of i don't want to be a part of a club that is willing to accept me.
00:19:49
Speaker
That's also like an inability to see yourself as lovable, I think. Absolutely. Absolutely. And isn't it so interesting that like, as you get older, you can reflect on these things and you're like, Oh, my poor little darling. Like it said before I might've been mad at myself or like sort of lamented. And now I'm just like, well, I'm so glad I'm where I am now today. Like glad I can move beyond that, you know? but I think sort of compassion for dating, especially like if you want to find somebody who's on your level,
00:20:23
Speaker
it It means that you're going to have to probably sort through quite, you're going to have to sift through quite a few people who simply haven't gotten to that point yet. A lot of times, um who is it? I think it's Shailen Lester, who I don't necessarily agree with everything. She's a YouTuber. um And she is a very interesting woman. um But one of the things she talked about is how she's often talked about how like, and this is similar to FDS, you never be the come up person.
00:20:54
Speaker
woman for a man who is still establishing himself because once he gets established, he's going to want, he's not going to want the memory of all the help you had to give him and all the times in which he was weak and you were the strong one. He doesn't want that. So yeahp one of the ways she expresses that is like, you know, a lot of these men have so much self-loathing that if you love them, you are loving their worst enemy and they can't forgive that. Damn.
00:21:26
Speaker
yeah i' on yeah This is why I will listen to Shel and Lester. I'm like, the way she puts things, it's like, wow, I'd never thought about that before. Like, actually, if i look at if I look at the relationship between my mother and my father, that's absolutely how he viewed her. He was so suspicious of her. Like, I still remember he was on his deathbed and um it stepped out to talk to the doctor. And he's like, well, I guess your mother must love me after all.
00:21:55
Speaker
And this was, they'd been married for like almost 40 years at this point. And I was like, what? He's like, well, she stuck with me through this. You know, only somebody who really loves you would do that. And I was like, okay, like, sorry. That is true.
00:22:10
Speaker
It is true. But like, you're only now really accepting that she loves you. But check this out. This is where it gets even worse. Later on.
00:22:21
Speaker
I think I said something to my mom. i was like, can you believe that he thought that he said this? Like, can you believe that he like doubted your love? And she said, well, I was just doing my duty.
00:22:31
Speaker
ah was like, that's even worse than love. Like at least love there is like, because that's the Catholic in her. Like her duty was being a good wife. And so now I'm like, he wasn't wrong to have doubted her love because maybe that's not what kept her there at all.
00:22:49
Speaker
Maybe it was her doing- That's really interesting, but it's it's like a power structure that's dictated by the by their religion. That is like the operating system, right? Of the power hierarchy.
00:22:59
Speaker
Exactly. Yeah. As in clearly I've never forgotten that exchange. Cause I, at first I was like so appalled by my dad having doubted her love. oh my But then when I said it to her and she was like, well, you know, i was just doing my duty. I'm like, oh my God, shit. Here I was judging him and he was right. He was right to have doubted.
00:23:18
Speaker
oh man. And I think, right and i think I don't know. I mean, especially if your parents are a little younger and maybe you always go through tragedies through life. That's just part like nobody gets out through life. Nobody escapes life unscathed. But my parents were much older when they got married. And so um they're both gone now. Like I'm both my parents were gone by the time I was 40, which I don't think is that.
00:23:42
Speaker
that young to have lost both parents, like in the, in the day, this would have been just totally normal. But, um, you know, a lot of my friends, parents are just now getting to like their seventies and they're starting, they now they've had lost a brother or a sister, or, you know, maybe they've unfortunately lost a child. And a lot of times that's kind of like the, the stress point of a relationship is, you know, how do you,
00:24:06
Speaker
hold one another when you experience these, these really stressful, really traumatizing kind of moments. Um, and yeah, my mom was somebody who was extremely loyal and extremely dutiful, but maybe she wasn't that loving. And also, is that something that we can or should judge? I don't know, but it gave me, it's given me a lot of food for thought since 2009, which is when that occurred.
00:24:29
Speaker
Well, yeah. okay Yeah, that is deep. It has many layers. i hate I don't know why I brought that up, but oh, okay. I think it was because like, we have to look at so that's why I think my dad, honestly, he couldn't accept that that was, if if she really loved him and he despised himself, which I think at his heart, he really did.
00:24:53
Speaker
Then she, she loved his greatest enemy and she wasn't to be trusted. Right. And I think that was the tenor of their entire almost 40-year marriage. And like, we don't want that for any other teens. We don't want that for you. This is why we're having these
Selective Emotional Access: Relationship Dynamics
00:25:07
Speaker
conversations. This is why we like look at the facets of having a secret Palermo bodega as a heart, you know, because...
00:25:14
Speaker
Do you really want to end up with a man who's just like constantly needing you to prove your love to him and make all these sacrifices and like self-abdicate and self-negate in order to like prove that you really, really do sincerely love him? is that do you want to jump through hoops for the rest of your fucking life?
00:25:31
Speaker
No. That's pretty dark. i think Not in a bad way, but like um'm I'm thinking about this as... If you are, and I was also like that in some periods of my life, but if you are like not, I'm just going to say in your center, but this was like wishy-washy, it doesn't really mean much.
00:25:52
Speaker
But If you're not dating from a place of um self-governance, yeah being propelled by your own values, ah not jumping into things too fast just because you were gobbling on the Disneyfication for all of your childhood.
00:26:14
Speaker
like It's really important to do this to have this process or to like be open to this process happening to you because as we say a lot, once you start, once you start practicing, meaning like not accepting bullshit, but starting your boundaries, knowing who you are in the world and knowing what you want and acting in accordance to that, in accordance to that not being upset when you don't get what you want, just walking away.
00:26:43
Speaker
huh When you start doing that, then there's an option of having a healthy relationship. Because otherwise, we're just dating out of our patterns and not a lot of good can come out of that because as you said so widely, Rose, like looking for a serious partner, looking for a long term partner for a serious relationship, this is a big deal because as you said, life is fucking hard. Like there are a lot of days where nothing shitty happens to you and we should be grateful for that. But also death, sickness,
00:27:18
Speaker
are real things. And they are a part of life that we don't like to look at and we don't like to deal with. But when you have a partner, and when you're sharing your life with somebody, this is the person that you're going to go through life with.
00:27:31
Speaker
And life has hardships. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, i was just talking to ah one of the gentlemen that I work for. He's like maybe 37 and he and his dad were talking and they were both joking about how much his mom cannot stand the thought of death. And he was saying, I can't stand it either. Like I cannot think about it. And I'm just like,
00:27:51
Speaker
But it's a part of life. Like, how can you live and not accept death? Like, to me, it's twin sides of a coin, you know. but i have But I've had a lot of death in my life. And I've had a lot of illness. Not personally. My own body, God bless it, has always remained really strong and true. starting. Wait, knocking on wood.
00:28:10
Speaker
We all know. sorry I mean, i'm relatively young. So, you know, I'm fortunate that like my youth has also been a a bulwark against more struggles physically. But I've had almost most of my family either sick or died. I've had best friends. I've lost over...
00:28:31
Speaker
for dear lifelong friends in between our 30s and 40s, just to like alcohol or cancer or who the fuck knows, you know? um And so I've really like, and of course, following the Buddhists, like that's one of the main, that's one of the core pillars that they will reference. when they talk about how to like move beyond ego and like understand what the sort of illusion of life is, is like, it's both real and it's not because we're both here and then we're not.
00:29:03
Speaker
So if you want to be able to live in that reality, then you have to come face to face with some things and find some sort of Harmony, you know. But again, when it comes to like wanting to be with somebody else, you know, if if I can't handle it if a man like doesn't go visit his beloved uncle, if he's dying in hospice at the hospital, like that's not somebody I can... can consider seriously as a life-term, long-term partner, you know? Or if his mom is going through menopause and all he wants to do is bitch about how she's so bitchy now and she's so angry and like, why wasn't she, why isn't she like she was when he was growing up? Like, that's somebody that I'm going to quietly say to myself, like, this is not a long-term match.
00:29:50
Speaker
Yeah. those I didn't understand the first example, but then I got it on the second because these are things that are not happening to you with your partner, but these are basically value judgments.
00:30:02
Speaker
Like you can understand who the person is unrelated to their interaction with you. Exactly. And that's the way FDS always says, let them show you who they are. That's why we say don't do too much.
00:30:14
Speaker
Don't try to be planning all the dates. Don't try to be like initiating. Just be lazy. It's so easy. Just, you know, and to a certain extent, allow passivity to reign on your end because then you get to see what he does or most importantly, what he does not do.
00:30:29
Speaker
Absolutely. That's absolutely valid information that you have to have to ultimately like but make the call if you if you want to pursue anything, if you want to keep dating or not. Yeah, definitely. And let a person invest
Balancing Romance and Reality
00:30:40
Speaker
in you. Let them show that he's serious about you. And this is for me, like what the Palermo Bodega is about. That I am also a romantic at heart. And I used to be like very...
00:30:52
Speaker
very like heart, how do you say, love struck or like I had, I was like the heart eyes emoji when I started dating somebody because I was imposing on him my Disney-fied idea of what it is like to like somebody.
00:31:10
Speaker
And I was like, oh my God, I'm so excited about this person. La la la la la. Fantasizing about him, like not necessarily in a sexual way, but like, you know, already thinking about how he's going to fit into my life. And all of this, like for me, that's the Palermo bodega.
00:31:29
Speaker
like he only gets the first, the the bodega part. He doesn't get the inner bar part yet. Because for me, it's really important to protect my heart because it is so big.
00:31:44
Speaker
like I have so much love to give. And of course, I am dating and looking for a partner because I want to share my love with somebody. I want to care for somebody, I want to be cared for, i want to adore somebody, I want to be adored, but o I don't know if the person that I'm going on a date with or that I'm texting with, or blah bla blah blah if they're that person.
00:32:09
Speaker
And it can be erroneous from my great passion to fill those to fill that role, so to speak, To impose that role on this person, that would be wrong.
00:32:23
Speaker
This person is a new person. i don't have a lot of information about him. You know, you got to tread, not even carefully, but just like lightly. And for me, that is what the bodega is about. And i feel like I've made a lot of progress with that.
00:32:40
Speaker
And I just see that in my thoughts, in my patterns, in my behavior. And as we said in in our first like rekindling FDS ah episode,
00:32:52
Speaker
FDS is not a set of rules. It's really a philosophy. It's really something that you feel inside. Because I'm not talking about like, oh don't double text.
00:33:03
Speaker
Although, don't double text. Like, don't do it. But like we said, don't double text also has a deep meaning. But the the guardrail is there to remind you that if you're thinking of double texting, you need to check yourself.
00:33:21
Speaker
Because only you know what's happening in your thoughts. Only you can take accountability for are you swooning over somebody if like like I said, I went out on a date with somebody who was really cute and then I didn't hear back from him for a few days and I was just observing my thoughts and trying to like not go back into my regular pattern, which is like, oh, he's not texting me. He's probably not interested. oh I'm not interested either. i was just like, what if I just don't do that?
00:33:56
Speaker
What will happen then? And then like some days passed and I was like, I actually don't know what happened. I'm actually confused. Like this is weird. at him and apparently he started dating somebody else he wrote me like a very long nice message I do think he could have done it earlier but this is not about him this is about me oh and the way that I responded to this differently I didn't add information i didn't um interpret the silence as disinterest I was just like oh I actually have no information i actually don't know what's going on
00:34:32
Speaker
I could easily let it go. But since I am thinking about it and I'm talking about with my bestie right now, like that's what I was doing. was like, might as well text him. Like, I don't really mind. And I did double text. but It was a few days later and I just started conversation.
00:34:51
Speaker
I was just going to like, phone, I didn't hear from you. Or like, I actually didn't double text. I just started a new conversation. And it was like with a generous mindset. Yeah, for me, it was a good sign just to see that I had evolved, that I was not being dramatic about something. I was not getting attached to somebody that I'd spent one very nice evening with. I was...
00:35:16
Speaker
Like I said before, not over, like not adding interpretation to the events or lack thereof, which for me, i think is is meaningful.
00:35:28
Speaker
That is a huge accomplishment. That is noteworthy. That is laudable. Because how many of us can say that we can sit with that kind of like reflect that level of reflection, that level of self-control?
00:35:41
Speaker
Like I like how you're like, I didn't double text him because it was a different conversation. Like that's that's such a good... I know some people might be like, you're just, you're, you know, quibbling over hairs or your hair, p what is it called? You're splitting hairs, they might say. What does that mean? Splitting hairs is when you're like, well, you say it's one thing, but it's basically the same as another. understand that. I'm also like, I can understand that some people can see it as that and be like, you know what?
00:36:06
Speaker
you went out with him and then he stopped responding and it will it's been two days, like block and delete. ah But I know that I did it with a light heart. I know that I was not feeling dramatic about it.
00:36:19
Speaker
And like I'm saying, like this is for me the gauge. The gauge is not adhering to a set of rules. The gauge for me is how do I actually feel about it? And I do take accountability that like there was a guy that i dated a few weeks before and when he didn't text me,
00:36:35
Speaker
Only later I understood that I was thinking, oh he didn't text me. I guess he's not interested. Well, I'm not interested either. And that took me like a while to go back and to be honest with myself.
00:36:52
Speaker
that I was thinking that. This is what I'm saying. like if If anybody wants to be like, oh, you FTSL sale this and then you do... Listen, we're human. We're working things out for ourselves as well. like This is a work in progress. I find that to be a huge advancement. in Fuck yeah. I'm looking at that levels. Dude, that's a level of development that that I aspire to. you know and i've and I've really tried to be careful with myself because...
00:37:18
Speaker
I do tend to romanticize and I do tend to spin off and yeah envision like our, I don't know, a holiday trip to like the Swiss Alps to go skiing and sit in front of a fireplace. I don't know. The point is, you know, it's like I kind of go off and I'm like, I have all these fun ideas and I'm like, I just wish...
00:37:36
Speaker
I had a romantic partner to like do these fun things, have all these fun ideas. But again, that's just me kind of like having to check back in with myself and bring myself back down to earth and and also just kind of like...
00:37:49
Speaker
almost treat myself like a baby. Like, it's okay, precious darling. Like, you've just, you've got all these high hopes, you've got all these fun wishes, and that's totally normal and natural. It's very human. course. But then I went to... But let me ask you, this is very nitty-gritty, but you're saying, like, this um fantasy, I'm going to call it a fantasy, yeah because it's a...
00:38:08
Speaker
positive imagination of ah the future. um Is that with somebody specific, like that you dated for a few times or once or texted with? Or is that what you would like to, or is that like an unpersonified fantasy?
00:38:25
Speaker
Yeah, that's just like a, that's an unpersonified. Yeah. That's just like a general fantasy. Or like if I go on a date with somebody and I really like him, like that might be something that comes off the top of my head or like, oh, I really wonder if we could like go for a nice camping trip up north and like canoe over Labor Day weekend. You know, like it's like all because I obviously I love to travel.
00:38:46
Speaker
And I've done so much travel on my own that now if I tend to get into a, like a date or a situation where i'm like, Hmm, this guy maybe this guy then it's like, Oh, would he be fun if we could do this? Like, it's just, it's almost like this, like you say, the Disneyfication, but it's my own version of Disney. Yeah.
00:39:03
Speaker
I mean, that's totally fine too. This is also something that I i did my little ah internal research about, like the fantasies. There was a guy that I dated, like this is a bit embarrassing. I dated him for a week.
00:39:16
Speaker
We met twice. I was so excited about him. I was thinking about him a lot. He was a very cute, very communicative. um Turned out to be not over his ex.
00:39:27
Speaker
father But what I'm trying to say is that in the aftermath, I was like questioning myself like, okay, why did I like, first of all, i was observing what kind of fantasies I had about him. And a lot of it I noticed involved like a third party. Like I imagined, i didn't imagine us moving in together. i imagined saying to a colleague,
00:39:53
Speaker
I am moving in with my partner, I'm moving in with my boyfriend this weekend, whatever. And that was interesting for me to notice that like it's the social approval or like, I don't know, something about that.
00:40:05
Speaker
And mostly what i figured out from that period and i kept that with me, is that, yeah, fantasizing about somebody, and I'm not talking only about sexual fantasies, though they could also be. But yeah again, like a fantasy is a positive imagination about the future. And what I realized from that, I'm not trying to control them. Just and I don't dive into it. And when I have them, like when it arises, I focus
00:40:36
Speaker
on what I feel, i'm like, oh, I'm excited about this person. Like, that's all. This is just a manifestation of you being excited about somebody. Then your brain is also course, our thoughts are a big part part of falling in love or about having a crush.
00:40:54
Speaker
And this is just what I take from it. And I found that to be very healthy and soothing because I'm not fighting myself. I'm acknowledging where I am and like how this person makes me feel. And that's all.
00:41:07
Speaker
I like that you use this word soothing because that was actually the next thing I was going to say. I was like, when I have these fantasies or, you know, when I go off into my la-la land, when I come back to before, you know, I'd kind of be like, Oh, you're such a like, what is, what a silly idiot. Or like, you're such a fool. Or, you know, I would have,
00:41:26
Speaker
Very negative reactions to my own very natural desires to connect and like have a life with someone. And so one of the things I had to learn through therapy was like, i just have to I just have to soothe and acknowledge the part of me that yearns for human connection. It's not... Yeah, if there's no negative world. That's a beautiful thing. And it it is to be honored. Like a very big thing of FTS that I really appreciate and admire and have taken to heart is honoring your instincts, honoring your feelings.
00:41:58
Speaker
That's a different, it's just another facet of that. Yeah, precisely. I think this is such a, and this again, this is why FDS has always been so interesting to me because now that I say these things, it sounds so commonsensical. Like it sounds like just, you know, very sensible, very practical, mature,
00:42:19
Speaker
mature thoughts But back then i would have thought like, oh, you're just being too conventional or you're being, you know, you're too staid or you're just like too comfortable following the status quo. Well, you know what? Like it's the status You would think that as a response to what?
00:42:38
Speaker
as a response to me wanting these things. ah That was one of the ways in which I would like deny myself and decry my tendencies for wanting these sorts of relationships, right? um Because the only way I could accept that I didn't have the relationship that I wanted was by rejecting it in total.
00:43:00
Speaker
Like, oh, can you explain again? the oh that you can If we, if we talk about like relationships, And I would be fantasizing because I had this really good date.
00:43:11
Speaker
After it didn't work out or it didn't happen or whatever else, when I would feel sort of rejected or I'd be having a negative emotion about it, yeah in my own head, i would be like, well, who wants... those Those kinds of relationships are just so stupid and conventional. And I don't know any friends who are happy in those relationships anyway. And the sort of thing where you're like, you know, again, why why would i want to be...
00:43:35
Speaker
in that kind of relationship when they like me. Like it would be me rejecting the whole premise as something flawed. instead of just accepting that this was a human instinct, a human urge, and it was totally normal and natural, because I just couldn't, I couldn't handle that that I felt rejected or whatever, whatever I had happened to feel or think was painful. And so instead of being like, well, maybe next time, like, or let's just move on, or like, clearly we weren't suited or any of the things that I do now,
00:44:12
Speaker
Back then I'd be like, well, I don't even really want a boyfriend. You know, does this make sense? Yes, it makes a lot of sense. It's ah catastrophizing because existing in the gray zone is very difficult. And existing in the extremes is sometimes easier.
00:44:24
Speaker
Exactly. I would always go to the extremes. that That was like my default. And so now I'm like, wow, it is so nice here in the middle. Like, it's so nice to just kind of be...
00:44:36
Speaker
moderate, you know, in in a way, you know, because I was so immoderate with my passions as a younger person. um totally feel you and relate to that in a very, very deep way. And, you know, it has to do with the depth of, um you know, I used to, I'm still a sensitive person, but I used to be like, I don't want to say too sensitive because like who says,
00:44:59
Speaker
Who says what is too much? It has to be like very sensitive. My emotional reality was very intense. And sometimes something is just it's just too difficult to feel things the way that they are.
00:45:14
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Exactly. Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself about how I was. And and again, this is like when I look back, I'm like some of these friends that I no longer am friends with. And back in the I'd be like, why did they start? You know, where did they go? Like, why did we become estranged? Or why did that friendship end? I look back and I was like, oh my God, you were just, you were so much. You know what i mean? And not that I want anybody to be friends.
00:45:39
Speaker
Well, I think it's just a reality, you know, and nothing wrong with them needing to protect and go on
Journey to Self-Awareness in Dating
00:45:45
Speaker
to their lives. And obviously I'm no worse aware for it, but certainly... it did draw attention to like, is is there something in my behavior that is affecting these like estrangements? What could i what could I do differently, if anything? And now that I look back on it, I'm just like, you know, i was, a I've always been a lot. I've always been extra.
00:46:06
Speaker
And again, i don't decry that or deny that about myself. Okay. I think in many ways, it's a really fun and it's a really interesting way to exist as a person in this world. in this world But yeah, there were many friends and and potential suitors who couldn't handle it. They couldn't deal with it. It was too much. And I'm like, yeah, actually, i really was a lot. Yeah. Not sorry, not sorry, but you know, glad you could go on and and live the life that you needed to live. And I could work things out for myself in the pace that I needed to, instead of having you be like, why are you like this? And why can't you be more like that? You know, they they were never insulting me or never had some sort of like grand dramatic showdown where they're like, I just can't handle how blah, blah, blah. They just kind of, they just went on their way. And like, yeah, that was, that was really wise.
00:46:56
Speaker
I think it's really humble of you to to be able to ask yourself like, oh, I wonder what happened here and like, what can I learn from it or what can I understand about myself from it?
00:47:09
Speaker
I think that's like hats off to you for that. That's not for granted. ah Thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's it's not like in the moment I was like, hmm, I'm coming. But again, like this is with time and with contemplation. You recognize a pattern and you observe it. Like I had a like old time listeners maybe remember that I had like a very bad dating streak, like two years of bad dating.
00:47:34
Speaker
And it was already after I started listening to FDS and like understanding what it means. And then after a while, i was like, Like really, like the I dated such fucked up guys.
00:47:50
Speaker
Each one so fucked up and it's in his own special way, except for one guy who was only somewhat fucked up, but he was actually really really sweet, but also fucked up.
00:48:02
Speaker
And I was like, you know what's in common between all of these guys who are definitely fucked up? You know what's in common? Me. Me. Me. the common denominator.
00:48:19
Speaker
Sometimes you gotta be like, yeah, those people are fucked up, but I dated them all. Exactly. Yeah. What does that say about me? And this is, this is another reason why i love, there's like a Zen quote that said something like, wherever you go, there you, wherever I go, there I am. And,
00:48:38
Speaker
and I remember when I was traveling through through South America and living there and like living these amazing adventures and going to like places that were so random and remote and fascinating and like just having having experiences that were really truly out of this world. And was I happy?
00:48:56
Speaker
Was I content? Were you? I kind of feel like no No, i was but i was miserable. all i oh my gosh. I feel, in fact, I kind of give myself so much heart when I look back like that. I didn't give up, even though I was so miserable.
00:49:12
Speaker
I didn't just like throw up my hands and come back to living with my family. I was like, well, clearly the issue is it doesn't matter where I am. I'm here and I'm always miserable. So I have to be what changes.
00:49:29
Speaker
Because if I can't be happy living in like Cusco in the Sacred Valley, or if I can't be happy living and working on the beach in Rio de Janeiro, like there's nowhere where I will be happy because I will be there.
00:49:42
Speaker
Right? Yeah, totally feel you. I distinctly remember very beautiful places where I was traveling or lived in and I was, yeah, i was up and down. had severe anxiety, but I didn't consider myself as an anxious person back then. Yeah. Right. Same. I didn't, I just thought like something, I didn't know what it was, what was wrong. Something clearly was, but I would never have said it. I was anxious or depressed or, you know, it took a long time before I understood that's actually what was, what was going on. But, um,
00:50:13
Speaker
And so once I started to fully grasp that, that's when that's when I did more reflecting on like past relationships, past friendships, you know past family members, why things. Because you know it like you say, it it takes a lot of hubris to never look and say, hey, maybe I played a part.
00:50:32
Speaker
Hey, I do that all the time. Yeah.
00:50:37
Speaker
which is why so many of them are lonely and you know unable to have meaningful relationships and their friendships are surface level. It's because- Yeah, their fault. The country needs to mandate girlfriends for them. ah I know, it so it's so sad, but it's so true. just kidding. We're, of course, talking about like a specific subset of men, but it is it is common that men externalize problems and women internalize. that like That's a fact.
00:51:04
Speaker
Yes, that is known. um It's been recorded and across many longitudinal studies. I think that's why that's another reason why I liked FDS because a lot of the women who, especially on the original subreddit, who wrote, were very clear-eyed about their own humanness and their own failings and lack.
00:51:29
Speaker
But they didn't let that stop them from being like, I may be... Selfish and lazy and under promoted at my work. And I still matter. And I still deserve a love that is respectful and supportive and uplifting. And i was like, ah Oh, this is amazing.
00:51:49
Speaker
What? Because i I guess I kind of always had the idea that like I had to be better. i had to be i had to be smarter. I had to be more selfless. I had to be skinnier. I had to have better fashion. Like I needed to i just had this idea that like I had to be some sort of superwoman in order to qualify like for the bare minimum romantic relationship. Sorry for being so political, but that's patriarchy and that's capitalism.
00:52:14
Speaker
100%. 100%. So this was really the first time I saw Masse you know, a huge crowdsourcing of queens, of women who were just like, yeah, and that doesn't mean I'm any less deserving.
00:52:27
Speaker
And that was truly radical for me. That was a real, I really turned a corner in my political feminist thinking because of that. That's really beautiful. And I loved like your intonation. I really heard the penny drop.
00:52:44
Speaker
Oh, I have a whole lot to say. Can that be for me too? Exactly. Let me tell you, when I ah was like ah fresh out of breaking my legs, I was on crutches for for a while I was just thinking about that yesterday.
00:53:02
Speaker
I was dating. like I was bored. i was on the dating app like swiping while I was recovering from surgery on crutches. and I had like ah a lover for a little while and another lover that is still a friend of mine.
00:53:17
Speaker
and I at no moment thought that I'm worth less because I'm on crutches because I was like, I'm the shit. I'm on crutches, but I'm hot. and Any man that is with me gains a lot. I don't need to think of myself as 1% less because I'm on crutches right now.
00:53:39
Speaker
And even today, as I was sharing with you, as I was sharing with Rose, I'm still very much in recovery, even though it's been a while, but like, I'm still not well. I'm dating.
00:53:52
Speaker
like Amazing. i you know i like i like This whole episode is about, I see it as an amusement. I see these boys and men as amusement until they prove themselves to be other.
00:54:05
Speaker
Otherwise, it doesn't mean that I don't respect them. It doesn't mean that I don't respect myself. But they're in the bodega. they're not in the vinyl but and They're not in the vinyl bar. You know what i mean?
00:54:15
Speaker
I do. I do. this and I'm so glad you had this idea, Patricia. I do want to connect this to the larger theme that you were also like basically talking about, which is the leveling up part of FDS, which is the first part.
00:54:30
Speaker
And maybe this is a good moment to reiterate that...
Dating for Fun vs. Self-Improvement
00:54:35
Speaker
leveling up doesn't mean you need to optimize yourself. You need to like perfect perfect your life, your character and your physique. That's not what it's about.
00:54:46
Speaker
It's about like taking a real like accountability over where you are right now as a human and seeing like, you know, the first question is like, am I actually ready to date?
00:55:00
Speaker
Like, to be honest, For me, at this moment in time, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. This is so weird for me to say. But honestly, I'm not like i'm working on a lot physically.
00:55:13
Speaker
And if I had a boyfriend tomorrow, I think that like that would not be suitable for me. So in a way, I am not emotionally available. And I am just dating for fun. And you know what? Why not?
00:55:25
Speaker
Why the hell? free dinner strategy, right? i I mean, I think you're right. As you heal, like having having some court paid to you and having that kind of energy coming at you is is better for your body. It's for your healing body and good for you receiving that up. No, I'm just getting back on the bicycle. i I just also recently went back to cycling and I'm also just getting my nervous system back to like adapting and to...
00:55:53
Speaker
like meshing with that part of reality, which is interacting with men. And I have different experiences and I'm like, I shared a blurring myself in them. um And this is not about like, I guess I'm already in the caveat about the leveling up, but I'll go into another level into another caveat, which is also like sprinkled ah earlier in the pod, like in this ah episode, do not see dating as a tool for self-improvement. That's like a side effect that happens. But I want to share from my personal experience that like if you're dating somebody that is like really challenging for you and you're growing from it,
00:56:34
Speaker
fuck Don't do it. It's great to grow. It's great to like ah develop and understand yourself and like um get over some, ah for me, it's like anxious, ambivalent attachment tendencies.
00:56:50
Speaker
But if somebody invokes in you, your anxious, ambivalent tendencies, Don't date them. You are not dating people in order to work on yourself.
00:57:00
Speaker
You are dating people to have fun. You are dating people so that you can enjoy each other's company and maybe it will lead to something serious in the near or whatever future. You are not dating people in order to improve yourself as a human. If that happens,
00:57:18
Speaker
as the core, at like within the the dating experience, great. But don't like don't fall into this don't fall into this trap. So now I'm getting out of the caveat of the self-work.
00:57:30
Speaker
And this it's really important for me to say about leveling up that it's super important to... to know where you are in life. And like you mentioned, Rose, in and in the time that you spent in South America and really beautiful places, sometimes it also takes a while ah when you get yourself out of the environment in which pain was inflicted on you or in which your old patterns were tormenting you.
00:57:58
Speaker
It takes a while when you get into a safe and beneficial environment to for your psyche to like get out of um he to called survival mode, yeah then you can start actually healing as a human i like on ah on a psychological level.
00:58:14
Speaker
So Take your time. You can also date during the time that you're working on yourself if you feel like it, if you feel ready for dating. But this leveling up process and like, you know, if you hate your job, hate your boss, like, okay, sometimes you can't quit. But if you can, if you hate where you live, if you have a demented relationship, landlord something that happened to me like if there is a major stressor in your life that you are constantly avoiding you probably have like also all of these like psychological compensation patterns for it I don't know maybe you're going out a lot you're drinking a lot I don't know but like this kind of chaos that exists in your life this kind of like disruption that exists in your life probably is not going to lead to you having a good dating experience you need to take care of yourself first yeah
00:59:07
Speaker
Yeah. You're just spitting straight facts out here, Patricia, left and right, left, right and center. I'm just sitting here like, yeah, like now I'm nodding vigorously. Yeah. Can I tell you a joke for the finish? I don't know if I cut you off. I'm sorry.
00:59:26
Speaker
No, it's okay. I would love a joke to finish. Okay, so um as as you probably know, like I grew up in ah in a Russian family, so this is like a Russian joke. And you'll understand why I'm saying that in a second. oh So ah a woman is waiting for her husband to come back home at night. It's like very late at night.
00:59:45
Speaker
And somebody knocks on the door. She goes to the door and she's like,
00:59:54
Speaker
Ivan, the thing! Ivan, is that you? is that you? Ivan, is that you? And like he doesn't respond. She doesn't want to open the door to somebody that she doesn't know, so she goes back to sleep. And when she opens the door in the morning, he's laying there on the carpet, like, pissed drunk.
01:00:09
Speaker
And she's like, what is up with you? like I asked you if it was you. And he was like, i was nodding.
01:00:20
Speaker
Sorry, ah sorry not sorry. I just feel like saying sorry, not sorry. That's cute. I like that a lot. That is really cute.
01:00:33
Speaker
Trisha. was nodding. was nodding. Well. it was not well Let's just nod as we say goodbye for today and wish each other by
Conclusion: Final Thoughts and Encouragement
01:00:44
Speaker
well. We're happy to hear you continue to heal and recuperate, Patricia. We're all rooting for you.
01:00:49
Speaker
Thank you so much. We'll talk to you soon, okay? Thank so for tuning in, Queens. We're going to see you next time. And for all you scrotes out there listening, do better or else you're not getting into the secret bodega bar, okay?
01:01:05
Speaker
The end. C'est fini.