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Episode 45 - The Good, the Bad And The Ugly #3
88 Plays1 year ago
Paul and martin (co-Mayors of ADHDville) catch up on each others ADHD lives. You know the drill, but it starts of with an interesting question.
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
All right.
Exploring Similarities: Numbers 2 and 7
00:00:02
Speaker
So what do two and seven have in common? Oh, that's the question. Right key. This is, it sounds to me like it reminds me of those one of those IQ lessons that I always fail miserably at. And well, more than get fail miserably, I get really annoyed with them.
00:00:28
Speaker
Oh, okay. But what's the similarity between between two and seven? yeah I've no idea. I don i don't know.
00:00:40
Speaker
Is there any answer? Any answer. Yeah. Can you find a similarity between two and seven? they Both numbers. Well done. Or?
00:00:58
Speaker
uh that's it or okay i like where this this this or could could go okay well twos and not is a is uh two seven seven two and seven oh no i can't think of anything else all right cool cool it's it's a it's a question that is on the, on, you know, like if you're going to so be assessed for autism, it's one of those, it's one of those, one of those questions. a i My answer was 14.
00:01:43
Speaker
Okay, cool. Yeah. Because you you get two, yeah because if you do the times table, both seven and and um two, that's where they intersect.
00:01:57
Speaker
um
00:02:00
Speaker
One of the, now the point of this is is how how do you think? So typically, and I'm not not not saying this is necessarily you or me, but typically a neurotypical person will say it's a number. They're both numbers.
00:02:18
Speaker
okay A neurodivergent person will assume that they are numbers and then look for other some other pattern to find that connects them. So so one of the typical ones is, and when when um so my wife's answer was five, and I was like, how did you come up with five?
00:02:46
Speaker
yeah and then her thing was like oh okay well because it's like if you have like um uh seven minus two equals five And then she kind of explained it like, right. Well, if you have a volume knob and it's number two, yeah and that's too quiet and you won't crank it up to number seven and that's too loud, then you'll probably go to five. Right. ok right and then you have yeah And then the other answers are things. so and and And I was like, this is crazy. And then I went online and I looked and five is up one of the most common answers that come back.
00:03:23
Speaker
Wow, to you. I could only find a ah a small pocket of people who said 4 to 14. There was a surprising amount of people who said that the similarity between 2 and 7 was Tuesday and Thursday.
00:03:40
Speaker
ah Okay and I mean I could see Tuesday because it's the second day of the week if you count Mondays the first but then Thursdays not the seventh. Yeah so I'm not quite sure how that happens. But quite a, quite a few people do Tuesday, Thursday date as, as, as the colors. So my first response was like nothingness. You know, obviously it doesn't sound to you like a response, but in my head is the response was like tumbleweed. Well, maybe that's, that's, that's, that's not such a rush of pocket response. It's more like a,
00:04:20
Speaker
A little tidy tiny, hole response. tuway did i was I did see someone who had that, art who had the answer of nothing. They said, I said nothing. And then there was like a sort of, sort of a crying emoji think after it.
00:04:40
Speaker
So yeah, so its cool sir it's a, it's a, it's it's a, one of those questions. So where if you're nice listening, what what did you say? I was in, go on, sorry, go on.
00:04:56
Speaker
I was just gonna say I thought that you may have gone with the shape because the two, because if you flip a two... I was thinking it. Upside down. I did think of that. Okay. I didn't say it. I thought it but didn't say it. Right. I abandoned it.
00:05:12
Speaker
All right. As a finished thought, right? As a silly answer. Yeah. I did thought, well, if I flip the two, it could become a seven, not and turn it because it would, wouldn't work. If you flipped it, I was thinking it would be a seven. All right. ah Yeah. and That was, that was my second thought after the tumbleweed. I thought if I flipped it, it'd become a two would become a seven.
00:05:41
Speaker
So that would be your first answer answer then, your yeah first actual yeah answer would be? it's Because of the shape. Alright, here we go. The mirrored forms of each other.
00:05:57
Speaker
Right. I think that the, that the, that the mic and the fact that, that, that there's the live button going kind of yeah that from coming out at the speeds of sweat. Yeah.
Introduction and ADHD Entertainment
00:06:12
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway. you Well, i on this subject of of of autism tests, it was about a year and a half ago, I was at a bar in Palermo, and there was this um friend of a friend, an Irish guy, who apparently is, calls himself an an expert on these things.
00:06:34
Speaker
um I said, this is before I had my ADHD diagnosis, and I was like thinking about autism. And he said, well, you could do an easy test, a physical test. I said, really? He said, yeah, I can't remember which one it was, but he said, can you cross one? It was on my left hand. And he said, can you cross one of your fingers over the others? And I could. And he said, you're not autistic.
00:07:01
Speaker
i would sit I'm not kidding you. That's not a valid test. No. Well, I did look at him, I think, I did look at him with loaded loaded eyes thinking, what the fuck are you talking about? Right. Yeah. Yes. I was like, what are you talking about? All right. Well, and with that, they got with that Bob Schell. Welcome to ADHDville.
00:07:33
Speaker
Interesting, how interesting. About the 2 and the 7. We got there in the end.
00:07:47
Speaker
Tick tock. 2 and the 7.
00:07:57
Speaker
Okay. Hello. Hello everyone. I'm Paul Thompson and I was diagnosed with the combined AD, H and the D eight months ago.
00:08:09
Speaker
And my name is Martin West and I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2013, many years ago now. Many years ago. So we're just two mates who by coincidence or not, after 39 years of friendship, discovered that we're co-ADHDers, hurrah. Now it's really important to say this is an entertainment podcast about adult ADHD. It does not substitute, no, no, no, for individualized advice from qualified health professionals. Definitely not those.
00:08:38
Speaker
No. So don't take in any advice from us. We just here as a kind of all-inclusive ADHD park bench with room for everyone, including your doppelgangers, your alter egos, your buddy dublays, your sheperones and your bus best buddies. Okay. Still here.
00:08:56
Speaker
Brilliant. Okay. do Yeah. Thanks. so Thanks for staying with
ADHD Ville: A Whimsical Journey
00:09:01
Speaker
us. So grab your jet packs, your pedals, your space hoppers, or any other transportation methods. And let us take you to ADHD Ville. And imagine what we've created in our mind. you know So where we like to take people, you, our listeners, to explore different parts of the ADHD and the D.
00:09:25
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I forgot to sound effects. Well, no, these are all the people outside of the town hall in the square. well What I forgot to tell you was that um that the ah ah ah um'm not I'm now piping the sound outside of the mayor's office, i would live in into the town square. And just like the the that that the the Vatican,
00:09:57
Speaker
Right. yes we we we We have a ah small but appreciative crowd out there. So we should go out on the balcony and wave. Right. We should. Um, but yeah, uh, we start off as always here at the town hall in the mayor's office, where we, the joint mayors of ADHD take care of business. I'm just, uh, get the, uh, uh, gender today. And, uh, uh, we, we're going to be doing a good, bad and ugly episode because it's been a while since we did one of these.
00:10:36
Speaker
Yeah, we did a kind of like a catch up on meds. Just a very short while ago. But um but yeah, buts sir let's jump into the mayor's car um and then we'll we will have to part our our way through the throng of people. Yes, yes. And and head to the coffee shop.
00:11:02
Speaker
Just close up the subroof.
00:11:07
Speaker
We've got a sunroof.
00:11:11
Speaker
No, because otherwise Dublin could kind of get in through the sunroof. see like yeah Health and safety. yeah We are important people in ADHD, Ville.
00:11:29
Speaker
um and I once had a car, ah was the cow it was ah it was ah an MG Metro, white is a white one, okay and it had a leaky sunroof and the owners of it, they sold it to me knowing that it leaked. But the the worst thing was about it was that it didn't just link but when it when I was if I was um if it would be raining and I was going like the round the left hand kind of corner the the drips would come directly on top of my head as I was driving. with Jesus Christ. Yeah, you know, it was really annoying. It did make me think of and ah if anyone's got any stories, shove them in the comments but
00:12:18
Speaker
I like that thought of someone sold me a car knowing that dot, dot, dot. Yes. I like that. I like that. Did someone just talk? dot dot dot Did someone sell you a car knowing that dot, dot, dot?
00:12:34
Speaker
and umm And I'm just trying to, yeah, someone sold me a Volkswagen Beetle knowing that the that that the floor had rusted so badly, it was almost just going to like totally just come out of the bottom of the car, like... You'd be like the Flintstones, you'd be like...
00:12:52
Speaker
Right. I would just drop out at the bottom of the car and then the whole chassis would just carry on. Right. would that Without me, it would just be just like me on the wheels. Okay. and so way so kind Nice. um i Anyway. ah right so All right. So we're in the coffee shop. is a can i Can I get you a drink?
00:13:17
Speaker
Well, I'm still off the coffee. I'll just say Caffi Orzo, which I think is a barley. Is it barley? Orzo is barley, I think. Oat meal? Oat meal. Oat meal. Yeah. In that case. Yeah. Oat meal kind of f fake coffee thing. All right. couple back years to you I will always stick to my green tea.
00:13:40
Speaker
which I am digging like it doesn't have someone said on a recently, I was watching a YouTube thing. Someone said there was self medicating with coffee.
00:13:55
Speaker
Right. huh Yeah. It seems bizarre to me. i i used to Well, the thing is, like is but before I had ADHD or knew I had ADHD, that's what I would do. I would self medicate with coffee without really yeah knowing it.
00:14:12
Speaker
Yeah. So I would have, um ah would I would get myself a ah big coffee and then I would slowly drink it through the ta through the day. Rather than kind of like drink to drink drink coffee gone, yeah I would drip feed it to myself as this constant little caffeine drip just to kind of like keep me okay rolling along.
00:14:39
Speaker
Okay. And it it would start out as hot coffee and then it would get colder and then get cold. And I just have to pretend that I'd ordered ice to cook coffee. And then that made it easier. Then I would just carry on. Tepid coffee. Talking of tepid coffee, I've actually got drinking from now. Yeah, tepid oatmeal coffee.
00:15:04
Speaker
all right okay all right so we've got today the good the bad and the downright ugly h so how about do you want to start start a soft matter with something good something good going on what's going on Okay,
Personal Achievement: Timely Taxes
00:15:20
Speaker
right. Well, I ah guess in the in the good department, um tax season passed on for us january April the 15th, and I got twenty twenty last year's taxes. So I got those in on time. Nice. That's the result.
00:15:43
Speaker
That's of his own. It is a result seeing as things I've been late for the past four years, five years or whatever. if You've got your sound effect. This is a good time for your sound effect. ah climateine this This isn't a sound effect. It's actual people. Oh, sorry. I don't apologize. They're all, they are all back. i'm I'm guessing that they're back at the town hall. I've ruined the dramatic effect.
00:16:11
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I'm not ruining a dramatic effect because I was wrong. Right.
00:16:19
Speaker
Okay. Um, Oh Christ. i Okay. So taxi, don't you see, don't your taxes, chest bumps, big thumbs up. Is that the first time you've done it on time or?
00:16:33
Speaker
No, no, no, no. This is the first time I've done it on time, but but i've um because I've been late, I now have um and have about 2019, 2021, I have four years that are late. So this one is is in on top. And just to kind of let you know how American I've become, I now have um a tax lawyer So oh I've had, a key I've had an, and an immigration lawyer. I've had a parking offenses lawyer. I now have, Oh my God.
00:17:19
Speaker
Right. i This is ah just a my worst nightmare lawyer, lawyer up. What about you? I'm getting jumped up.
Career Shift and Unmasking Skills
00:17:33
Speaker
I'm getting jumped up. i well As you know, I started ah new a new completely new career, having done the same career for 35 years. I started teaching at high school in January, so it's already been four months I've been teaching, then um so then but they're already like okay I'm not making enough money to you know like pay my taxes you know or all those kind of things and my bills and then all of a sudden well I was in Palermo last weekend and I have a friend there I've always strangely I've always
00:18:16
Speaker
um had teachers as part of my life some at some point. My first wife as a teacher, um friends of friends with teachers. um I think you've had your your ah your ah relationships with teachers as well. But also I've got a friend of mine who's an English teacher in Palermo. She said, oh, Paul, if I'd known that you were ah interested in teaching, I could have found you a job.
00:18:42
Speaker
She was really kind, which is really kind of her in Palermo. And I said, well, actually, I didn't even know a year ago i that I, that's even something that didn't even into my mind a year ago. So, you know, so that was that came back to Northern Italy. And I got, um, literally, I flew back to Bergamo airport, got in the car.
00:19:09
Speaker
went directly to the school to have my first ever parents' meetings. Oh yeah, I can remember you saying that. So I did those and one ah ah mother came in and she said, oh, by the way, um or all the students love you.
00:19:26
Speaker
And by the way, I'm a secretary at another school, at a middle school, and would you like to come and teach there?" So I said, well, yeah, that just sounds like it could happen. Then, if that wasn't enough, the day after that, I got an email inviting me to, um because I did an interview about ah a month ago, saying I've got the job, basically, teaching adults in the evenings.
00:19:52
Speaker
hu So it basically it looks like by October, because of the school year, it started in October, September, October, I'm going to be a full time teacher by then. Blimey. Yeah. Blimey. It's all happening. So, so you could say, you know, peeps on a pocket and say, well well, what's that got to do with ADHD? Come on, come on, Thompson, you know, get, get on the same song sheet or whatever. Well, the song sheet being, it's like,
00:20:22
Speaker
Apart from unmasking, as I'm gradually trying to do it for the last time few months since my diagnosis, it's also just uncovering skills. that I didn't, I mean, someone has said to me just a year ago, Paul, you're going to be teaching at a high school in 12 months time. I'd say you're out of your mind mind. And like this, it seems to me, it's not just a coincidence that I'm asking. It's just also like uncovering to me, huh yeah its like <unk> me you know, you know,
00:20:58
Speaker
it's like it's like It's like all the all the like the the covers have come off and it's like, okay, so what what this means is i could be doing I could do anything I want to really. Yeah, yeah I think you've proved that.
00:21:16
Speaker
Pretty, pretty rough. Yeah. I mean, I ah um ah um i i am aware cause I am pretty, I've always been quite fearless. I've always been able to like jump into situations that most, a lot of people that I know would find really, really scary. I've always been able to jump and feel asleep to things, but I have, there's like a caveat. I'm thinking, but I'm 57 years old now. I mean, there's a danger of burnout, but you know, if if I burn out, I'll burn out.
00:21:45
Speaker
um But I'm wary of it, you know, taking on, potentially I'll be working in four different schools with four different systems. You know, that could be hard, hardcore. But anyway, you'll see. All right. I'll do it anyway. Yeah. So that's a good. And then we go on to a bad.
00:22:12
Speaker
but So let me think, bad ADHD, bad ADHD.
ADHD Routine Challenges
00:22:18
Speaker
Yeah, this this week has been not great for my ADHD, so um I'll tell you.
00:22:29
Speaker
later. But when you kind of get some, there's there's something else big going in your life, it kind of drops in, right? You're, you know, I will tend to hyperfixate on this, on this new big, big thing. And then I'll, and then it it can, it can stop me from thinking about all the normal things that I should be doing. So, right.
00:22:53
Speaker
So I've set up, a so for example, I've set up this system, which was which was when I was you're using it for about a week or so, it was working really well. I think I used it for two weeks, I think, um which is, I get these little kind of little wristbands, right? I don't think I've got any here, but it's it's like a little, um wristband with a little um bit of plastic in it and and and has a tag and you can write something on it. So so what i what I did is I've got all these tasks that I have to do during the during the week, like you know clean the bathroom, vacuum, all this kind of stuff. right So I wrote all of these tags of all these jobs that I had to do
00:23:47
Speaker
every day for um and I and every morning I would go down and I will pick two or three of these tags right and I will put them on my wrist and it would like just jangle around okay and and it might say clear up the the TV room do laundry whatever right and then on that day I wouldn't forget because I began around the house, these things will be jangling on my wrists, right? So it's a constant reminder. I've got these things to do. Yeah. And I go, Oh yeah, let's, let's do the bathroom. Let's do some, yeah my aim would be to get these things off my wrist by the end of the day. Right. So in, in that way, rather than leaving tasks, so they piled up, it would be like, I would do more like little and often. Yeah. And that was going really well up until
00:24:40
Speaker
um Yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on in my private life and then my focus turned away from that. So I've i've got to kind of like, so my bad thing is though is is is I've got a is i have to pick that back up again and and right and and I haven't. It was a system that was working for me.
00:25:01
Speaker
You know, and how how many how many times has this happened? You've got something that works for you. Oh, great. Yeah, this works for me. This is helpful. And then something happens and it and it derails you and then you kind of go and then you have trouble getting back on the horse again.
00:25:16
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. But i mean that's happened to me in the past when I, I know there's certain things that I can do that do help me and I don't do them anyway. Right. So like, um, if I, if I'm like, you know, like a bad mood and, uh, I'm a bit of a, like a bit going down a bit of a tunnel of like,
00:25:36
Speaker
of, yeah, just in a bad mood. I know that I could pick up my camera and go for a walk and just um ah take photographs. and And it works every single time, but I don't always do it. i think Sometimes I think there's is like a bit of a comfort blanket, for at least in my case. I quite like being a bit kind of melancholic occasionally.
00:26:01
Speaker
Yeah, it's quite attractive sometimes. ah da it Being in a bad, bad mood. I like being. Yeah.
00:26:14
Speaker
Yeah. Well, there's a, there's a very famous, really famous, um, Italian poet, even though he didn't know it. that Yeah. ah've left that out to be Yeah. He was, his name was Dinuncio and he was around in the 1930s and forties, um, by Lake Garda.
00:26:38
Speaker
and he's got a house there in Lake Garda, and he had a room specifically for before depression. It's where he went when he was depressed. right And I kind of admire that. ah like i could i could I could do that. That'd be a really cool room.
00:26:56
Speaker
It reminds me of like I would sometimes hear stories about like families back in the past and they go, oh, yeah, you know, ah the husband or whatever would would go off into the woods for a couple of days. Right. right yeah When he had when he had like a sort of some sort of like mood. Come on. And you just go into the woods for a couple of days. Yeah. And then then he would come back again. Right.
00:27:26
Speaker
Nice. It's nice. It's nice. actually below that i got a second All right. I'm just going to hang on a second. This is a, here we go. yeah but This is so something my, our friends, my, mine and your friend, ah Jonathan, he sent me these. All right.
00:27:45
Speaker
Um, this is it the Italian version of it. Show it up for the people watching on. All right. On, um, YouTube's Tristetia, not me far polar. It means, um, um, um, sadness or misery. You don't scare me.
00:28:02
Speaker
And the idea of the book, it's actually a book working for kids, but it's it's freaking genius. Basically saying, give it a hug. Give that that like that sadness in you. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. It is part of you. Give it a hug. ah sleepy Actually, on the ah the other front cover, it's it's like the version of you pointing a finger at the belly of your of your of your fears and saying, I'm not scared of you. Just give it a hug.
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, it's really kind to yourself. Yeah. Or if you like dinner, you can make your own freaking room and go there for such times. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. OK. All right. Well, I um ah did. All right. I did. I did bad. I've got bad here. Not yet. No, I've got bad. Well, it's it's kind of like It's bad, but I'm not sure how bad or good it's going to be, so I'll put it in bad anyway. Next week, I've gotten a new appointment with ah at the hospital for my meds. Okay. Yeah, but who was because been off my meds for about three or four months. three About three months.
00:29:22
Speaker
I just, I wasn't getting on with it. I was on Ritalin um and I was just getting like a racy heart in the evening and it was like a bit uncomfortable. So I stopped yeah um ah and a little bit out of curiosity. I didn't actually make an appointment straight away and say, hello, you know, this sorry, but this didn't work. oh Let's try another thing. I want to like see how it went without.
00:29:50
Speaker
And it's OK. It was OK. But now I'm like, you're thinking, I think I'm going to try the last time because I've tried. That's the second type of medicine that I've tried. I'm going to try it one last time. So I've got an appointment next week.
00:30:05
Speaker
i If nothing else out of curiosity, I'm going to see if there's something out else out there that could help me. Bearing in mind that 20 percent of ADHD is Um, can't, don't find meds that work for them. Right. But, um, just curious. I've never had a single, I haven't had any medication that's helped me organize my thoughts, you know, clutter, declutter my mind or any, or any, or anything like that. But, and maybe I won't find anything, but I would like some to find something that stopped me from being, um, uh, impulsive. Right.
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah, which I'll get on to when when we talk about the bad part. This is the bad i part. ah Sorry, the ugly. All right. The ugly, the ugly part. Yeah. All right. Well, so yeah, that's it really. Well, why don't you just, well, why don't you just slide us the ugly, way ugly part? All right. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Doesn't it?
Impulsivity and Self-awareness
00:31:09
Speaker
So yeah. Cause I was in Palermo and I was like, Oh, that impulsive part of Paul was thinking, Oh, Paul, let's move back to Palermo.
00:31:18
Speaker
Right. Oh God, really knowing what I know now, you know, the, the draw of that impulsive part of Paul might say, Oh yeah, let's just make a big fucking mess again. You know, spend a lot of money ah and all that energy, you know, no, no, no Paul stop it. Right. So yeah.
00:31:43
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, as you're kind of saying there, you know, like just being ah aware of it is helpful. yeah Plus also, I mean, I tend to find that the the if I have those kind of thoughts, that I'll go, all right, well, let's see how I feel in ah in ah in a week's time or something or whatever. yeah right yeah So you make no decisions. You just kind of go, oh, I'll just think about this.
00:32:10
Speaker
for a while and then at some point you kind of go as you go right oh yeah now this is that doesn't make any fucking sense at all what am I doing? Stinks is an idea that's crazy stupid and then that's that's fine because at that point what you haven't done is like tell everyone that you're going to back to Palermo and there's now a goodbye birthday party for you when you've and you've been your five and you've signed up on the rent of a room somewhere and now you're like stuck. My friends at Palermo were saying, come on Paul, come back, come on, yay. well Two of them have already, have even found jobs for me virtually. And you know, offering to find up an apartment, all this cutting. No, no.
00:32:55
Speaker
Yeah, I know. like But the draw is so strong. But it's a good thing, as you said, you know, being aware of it, had it offered the pass, apply a bit of logic to it. ah And and it's like I did a bit of the whatifs what ifs. What if you stayed where you are, Paul?
00:33:16
Speaker
You know, I have a really good life here where I am, you know, right? It would be ridiculous. So yeah, that's my ugly. Have you got anything ugly, Mr. West? My fucking ugliness. All right. Okay.
Guilt Spirals and Self-sabotage
00:33:35
Speaker
There is, there isn't an ugly thing which is forming in the back of my mind. I just have to try and remember what the thread of the whole thing is it's something like um uh oh christ hang on a second hang on a second uh where do i end up where do oh okay guilt guilt spirals right
00:34:09
Speaker
It's that you know, like so okay, so if you if you go go go back to the taxing where I feel really bad about not doing taxes, right? So I miss one year say I missed doing 2019 and then I've I ah feel really bad and guilty about that So when 2020 taxes and comes up, I'm I'm in my little shame Spiral and I don't do 2020 right and so it goes on and then it just becomes a big thing and then you don't do anything and then it takes some some big threat or something to happen in order for you to kind of pull your ass out of the fire or, you know, to come to view to to to do something. And ah my kind of conversation with my wife is kind of like, you know, like, yeah, I've got this, you know, which sha and she's like, right, well, you know, that's that's there is always something with you that is a shame spiral.
00:35:03
Speaker
And I'm going, what do you mean? And she said, well, before the taxes, it was buying this this this house. You know, like where she would go up, I'd want to move to a house. I'm like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. And I wouldn't kind of get involved in the process fat for ages. And then I and i eventually did, right.
00:35:22
Speaker
And then before that it was, it was ah getting, getting, getting and married. And before that it was getting a divorce. And she says, all these guilt spiral things, right? It's almost like I need one to be running at all times in the background, because there's always seems to be one big one.
00:35:46
Speaker
you know, like just when you finish one, then you'll in invent something else to shame spiral on. And then that will be your shame spiral for the next couple of years. Yeah. Like, like I almost need one. And I was like, Oh God, this is, I was like, Oh God. So I'm, so I'm, so I could be manufacturing them because I need one because um whether it's like, you know, my, you know, that thing of like, if you have low self-esteem, then you really need something to point at to say you've got really self-esteem. So it's like, right, well, um you know, I'm, you know, so in this case, it's like shame. I have to have something to shame spiral about in order to to feed my, my,
00:36:41
Speaker
my low self-esteem to kind of keep that working because I feel like it's such an integral part of me that it needs to be fed something. Yeah. Yeah. No, I totally get it. I I, because I have the same thing and I've always, it it seems like it's something I've always had to carry with me, you know. um Sometimes, you know, I've expressed it as like a comfort blanket, even though it seems really ridiculous that you would find comfort from it. But it actually, you know, the fact that I've carried that idea that it is a comfort blanket, I've carried that concept for years now. There must be some truth in it. I think that's one thing. Also mainly, I think in self-esteem, you're talking about the one conclusion. No, not conclusion. One train of thought I had was that
00:37:37
Speaker
ah they Deep down, I don't think I'm worthy of of being and you know um entirely happy. you know It's like a reminder saying, what are you doing, Paul? What are you doing, Paul? Are you being happy? What the fuck? No, no, no. Come back. Come back to that comfort blanket and that unworthiness. some it's just like We were talking before about those ridiculous things that are somehow attractive. It's it's really annoying.
00:38:06
Speaker
Right. It's really irritating, but I think that there there's this thought that we're all supposed to be happy, right? We're all supposed supposed to be happy and that that's what you aim aim for. But actually people are tend to be afraid to be happy, right? Because you would much rather be in the comfort zone if you like, of your so of your six of your of your of your of your security blanket. yeah like because that's more Much more of a lifetime comfortable place is like there's some sort of self-loathing and misery and crap, right? And actually being happy
00:38:55
Speaker
Yeah. that' that That's the scary, it's easier to face the darkness than it is to kind of face overly the The times that time sir I've in my past that I've sabotaged, self-sabotaged are often bizarrely Uh, probably not, not for you, but for maybe other people, unlike, unlike the me or you, besides the times that I've, I have as instinct to self sabotage is when I'm most happiest, because at least that way I'm under, it's in control. When when I'm happy, I feel like, okay, danger is around the corner.
00:39:38
Speaker
It's like short. It's going to be, I'm happy. It's going to be short lived. So may as well be in control of it when it does go shitty and I self sabotage. Right. Oh yeah. That, that, that, that, that, that's an interesting thought, isn't it? Like when you're happy, it's kind of a bit out of control. So but in order to get control that happiness, yeah you, you, you are the one to take it away right there for,
00:40:07
Speaker
therefore you self-sabotage and you can take away that happiness and you're in control. Yeah, exactly. It's like someone once said, do you remember when Martin went to that that thing, that course in London? What was it called? land Landmark Forum course. Oh, I did think of that just a little bit earlier.
00:40:31
Speaker
Okay. And there was a girl that got up and usually there were these usual kind of formats where there would be a one guy or woman that led the course and there'd be like a hundred people in front of them and you know, people would get up and they would talk about themselves and talk about what they it was going on in their lives. This lady got up and she said, um you know, I've had this problem with this boyfriend, I've had that problem with this boyfriend and blah, blah, blah. And the guy said, who's always there? Would you choose the wrong, um, partner? And she's, she's thought for a second. She said, well, me, I'm always there when I choose the wrong part. And I think this was the same came to mind because I think it's the same reason, you know, she, she, at least she's in control of it. You know, if it goes crap, at least she could say, okay, at least I had control of it.
00:41:30
Speaker
and shed her own handle on it. you know yeah yeah ah because i think you know like i I tend to ask myself, or I try to remember to ask myself in all these things is, what am I getting out of it? so i what what Whatever that is, whatever with the self-sabotaging or the shame spiral, whatever it is, it's like, I don't want to be here, but I seem to be always doing it. So what am I getting out of it? What am I getting out of it? And you have to sit there and kind of go, well, why? And then that is, is always a really fruitful question to ask your yourself, because, yeah because your natural thing is to go, I don't want to be in this place. Why, why do I want to be miserable? Why do I want to shame, why do I want to self sabotage? Why would anyone choose to do that?
00:42:29
Speaker
And then when you stop that those statements and go, okay, what do I get out of it? yeah they Then that is always going to come up with a we yeah with that with an answer that that you can use to kind of actually get out.
00:42:48
Speaker
Yeah, I remember I was actually in a holiday in Greece when I came up with this thought, this revelation to me at the time that, oh my God, holy crap, I self-sabotage when I'm at my happiest. And it really upset me.
00:43:06
Speaker
Mm hmm. I was really upset by that. ah but I was I mean, I could tell it resonate because I pulled my eyes out. It really upset me. It's like, holy fucking crap. How twisted is that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucked up. My God. It's fucked up. Fucked up. Yeah. Good and proper. So.
00:43:31
Speaker
All right. All right. Well, I think we've kind of done the. That was pretty ugly. That was a good ugly. That was a good ugly. That was a good ugly. That was a good ugly. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It got deep there. Deep, deep, deep. Now we have to kind of come back up. We're laughing. Well, yeah. Just laugh about it. Self sabotage. Always gets me giggling.
00:44:01
Speaker
Right, and right. let Let me just try and self sabotage this podcast by by putting my lens cap down. Yeah, I can't do it. It's gone. It's looking horrible. All right. OK. Oh, it sounds gravelly. Let's get back into the car and we'll go over to the ah to the post office to see if we've got any mail. and Let's go. Let's go.
00:44:31
Speaker
All right.
Listener Gratitude and Engagement
00:44:33
Speaker
Your feedback, it says here, is really vital to us. We read all of your comments and we might read out yours on a future podcast like this one. I think Marty's got something from David. I do, but yeah, before I say that, if you are listening to this, firstly, thanks for listening, just being there.
00:45:00
Speaker
I know that you're out there, whether you're kind of like, uh, listen, where you're driving around in your, in your van or on the way to way to work, um, making breakfast. Right. Or yeah. In the kitchen. Um, you know, it's just, uh, just to, um, I know that it's just Paul and I just chatting to each other, which is kind of something that, that, that, that we do any, anyway, but just to kind of.
00:45:27
Speaker
Have you out there listening? um yeah You know, it just kind of keeps us trucking along. So, you know, and and let us let us know in in in the comments or or send us an email or whatever, you know, because ah we would love to hear from you. So ah this comment um came from ah from from David, who's on who's a who we follow, and he follows us on tick TikTok. I think his handle is here is my ADHD journey.
00:46:04
Speaker
um And he says, ooh, I love a Tuesday now, smiley face emoji. Ooh, I love it. so so so So our podcast comes out every every Tuesday. It brightens up his Tuesday.
00:46:21
Speaker
Um, and, uh, I replied saying the thought of you running around town in your van, listening to us to Yabaron makes us so, so happy. And he said, I'm glad it does. It really does me too. I posted a video yesterday about finding your tribe. It is so lovely to listen to you too. Finally, having found my tribe. So, um, so yeah.
00:46:49
Speaker
That's great. Cheers David. Warms your cockles. It does. I don't know if that's too Americans that may sound a bit weird but it works in England. It just warms gives you a warm feeling inside.
00:47:03
Speaker
Nice. So yeah, drop us a line. It makes it makes it means just just just even with a thumbs up. who can i mean just Just say hi. All right, let's jump into the mayor's car and we're going to just go back to the mayor's office quickly. Subrapa stamping.
00:47:26
Speaker
Oh, OK. Oh, the crowd's still there. Crowd's still there, obviously. Great. Still enthusiastic as well. I know, I know, I know. So that that's cool. All right. So, uh, so this is just to remind you that ADHD is delivered fresh every Tuesday to all purveyors of fine podcasts.
Conclusion and Podcast Details
00:47:47
Speaker
Please subscribe to our pod raters, most dark and depressing sometimes, but also happy, happy and funny, light and dark, wholesome, even wholesome. Yeah.
00:48:02
Speaker
I don't know if they've ever been wholesome in my life, but anyway. And feel free to... I don't know what it is. I think it means like... Wholesome. Actually being wholesome.
00:48:15
Speaker
a I think it has sort of Christian over ah biblical, something biblical. Yep. But, uh, yeah, uh, feel free to correspond at will in our comments, but wait, there is more. If you wish to see our beautiful, beautiful faces, then suddenly for two fields or Sally fields your way over, you can also pick up your quill and email us at ADHDville at gmail.
00:48:44
Speaker
dot Come on. So yeah, visit us on TikTok, because because it's a whole vibe over there. It's the whole thing. The outro, Martin. Yep. ah You can see us on the YouTube. It's a couple of friends called Facebook and Instagram. But in the meantime, be fucking kind to yourself. At that time, beseech you, fellow. ADHD is know thyself. Sons of the hounds, come hither and get the flesh.
00:49:14
Speaker
which I'm going with fish. Fish will be the the flesh that I'm going to get. It's it's just quite fleshy. and A nice cod fillet, I'm feeling. Nice. Yeah. Which, as you pointed out, if you go for the cod fillet with the batter, it's actually Portuguese. Yeah. canine Fish and chip. It's Portuguese. Yeah. Came from there the 15th century or something. There you go.
00:49:44
Speaker
OK.
00:49:48
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just remember to vote for us on the election day, please. Absolutely. There it says from there. That's that.