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Alone in the Dark
280 Plays3 years ago
In this episode, Fraser (Satsunami) and Adam take on one of the worst video game films of all time. Is it really as bad as people say? Or is the hate blown out of proportion? Only one way to find out!
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Transcript
Introduction and Hosts
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Chatsunami.
00:00:17
Speaker
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Chatsunami. I'm Satsunami and joining me alone in the dark is my very good friend Adam. Adam, welcome back and especially welcome back after watching this film with me. Can we put the lights on now? No. I've been sitting in the dark for so long. It sets the mood, okay? It sets the tone of the review.
Humorous Banter and D&D Anecdote
00:00:45
Speaker
Or at least turn off the crappy death metal.
00:00:47
Speaker
no never well okay but we'll discuss that we'll negotiate next to the next um next employee employer meeting yeah it would just be me with a big notice saying no it's what every meeting turns into yeah oh yeah of course every tea posing and or chat tsunami meeting is just me saying
00:01:05
Speaker
Nah, I'm just being very petty. No reason at all. Sitting there eating your pistachios, just looking down on us. Oh god, don't remind me of pistachios. It reminds me of that. I can't believe of all times right now, before we're about to talk about this absolute masterpiece of a... Sorry, choking them on words then. But I was going to say masterpiece of... Sorry, nope, can't say it. Can't say it's a masterpiece. Oh, no. Anyway, that, you know, joke aside.
00:01:33
Speaker
Yeah, it actually reminds me of when you and I were playing D&D and that actually happened to one of my characters. Or sorry, my character that was playing. Like, I was supposed to be like sweet-talking someone and instead like I ended up choking because I rolled up one or something like that. Do you remember? Were you at that one? Oh, I remember. It was so damn funny. Oh yeah, it was. It was, yeah.
00:01:56
Speaker
Yeah, remember kids, never eat in RollaD20. It does not end well. This is your lesson of the day. So if you want to follow me anywhere else, you get a damn joke. No, we can't get out of it that easy. No, we've got work to do. No, we really do. And the name of 713 is it.
00:02:14
Speaker
I don't even know. I feel as if I put more thought into it than the writers, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. Yeah, we are going to be talking about the very infamous...
Critique of 'Alone in the Dark' Film
00:02:25
Speaker
I don't want to say film. The very infamous Toki. A very infamous video game film entitled Alone in the Dark. Directed by, yeah, quite possibly one of the most... Would it be safe to say hated? Oh, yeah. Like directors in terms...
00:02:43
Speaker
especially in terms of video game films, but yeah, one of the most hated directors, Uwe Bow, and that's all I had to say. It's a film! You're kind of getting a flavour of where this episode's gonna go. Oh god, just like the ending of Conan over again, sat on his throne with his brow furrowed, lamenting over his losses.
00:03:12
Speaker
You've got a bull skull in your hand. I think it would probably be the opposite considering he keeps challenging. I like his critics. He got us thrown out of there skulls. So yeah that's a fun fact about the director of this film. So obviously he is a German director who made a lot of these films and the reason being I'm going to quickly touch on the tax thing. Do you mind?
00:03:42
Speaker
So very briefly, there used to be this law that Germany, I don't know if a lot of other European countries do it, I think they do, because I think Twin Peaks as well gets a tax grant from France, always for the third season. Either France or Quebec, but it was something like that.
00:04:00
Speaker
Yeah, anyway, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. So, yeah, Germany used to have this law where they would give a tax break to Hollywood studios who would come over to film there, and these companies ended up coming over and they hired this guy called Uwe Boll. I haven't seen all of his work, so I can't say, like,
00:04:20
Speaker
he's 100% terrible. I feel he's at 90% probably, like at least with his video game films, but I can't sit here and say oh yeah all these works terrible because you know maybe there's a gem under that pile.
Uwe Boll's Filmmaking Tactics
00:04:33
Speaker
I have to say I've watched one film which was an original script that he came up with and it was dreadful.
00:04:41
Speaker
doesn't give me much hope. Better or worse than bardemic? Oh, you know what, it's better than bardemic in that at least it was mostly competently shot. So, slightly better. Not much, to be honest, I don't think about it. But yeah, because of that, it was like, it didn't matter if the film bombed or, you know, if the film was absolutely terrible, they didn't.
00:05:03
Speaker
care like the studios in Uwe himself because they got their money back regardless due to the tax law and I'm not saying it was single-handedly because of him but I feel as if he was a huge part in the reason why they said yeah people are taking the mic now we should probably not give money to anybody with a camcorder and a 10 year old script you know
00:05:29
Speaker
The script isn't 10 years old. I'm talking about the script writer. The script writer was 10 years old when they wrote this film. Where do we begin with this, Adam? Well, I think maybe the best place to start is this is a video game film adaptation. So let's go back to the source material and just have a little look at the Alone in the Dark game series. Have you ever played any
'Alone in the Dark' Game Series History
00:05:50
Speaker
of them?
00:05:50
Speaker
I haven't, although I did laugh because I realised that they started off in Atari, didn't they? Yeah, yes they did. And I did laugh because I know your love of Atari. It's a deep visceral love of Atari. It's too powerful of anything. Too hot for this stream.
00:06:14
Speaker
So yes, sorry, no, I haven't played. If I've not had any direct... It's like, no, Your Honour, I have not had any direct contact with these games. You've had no direct contamination? No, I haven't. Also, on the other way to note, I don't know why there's a ditch in the desert filled with ET games. That wasn't me. That wasn't my side message. They were there when I got there, Your Honour. Your Honour, please. It was Atari. No one's going to miss it.
00:06:40
Speaker
Anyway, sorry, no. That was a long way to say no, that happened. Well, the first game in this series was released back in 1992, so yeah, quite a while ago now. It's considered sort of the grandfather of the survival horror genre, in that a lot of things that it developed were kind of taken on by games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. So in a way, if you actually look at it, it's probably quite an influential game.
00:07:05
Speaker
History. It appears to be a game that has not aged well in the slightest, like in every aspect. Go look at some of the screenshots from it. The graphic, it might be the worst looking game, like now, that I've ever seen. It looks horrific. And I think the gameplay as well is quite, it's that kind of tank control style. Like the kind of old Resident Evil and Southern Hills and stuff, but like right at the beginning of tank control, so they're even worse. So there were two sequels to the original one,
00:07:32
Speaker
Then they did a reboot in 2001, which is what this film is based on. And then there were two modern, they're almost soft reboots. I'm not really sure because I think they tried to carry on something. They still have the same main character and some of the same details, but it seems a bit changed. So I've kind of called them soft reboots.
00:07:51
Speaker
This is a franchise that has fallen from grace spectacularly. The first game is considered to be really influential and the most recent entries have been critically panned. But what do you expect from an Atari franchise? There it is. There it is again. Another shot. They like to kick somebody when they're down. It's much easier when they're standing on their feet. When was the last time Atari was life-standing on its feet?
00:08:19
Speaker
I don't know, like the Stone Age? I don't know. The human beings walk the Earth? I don't know. I've only played one of these games. I played the 2008 kind of quote unquote soft reboot. And like, yeah, it's not, it's not a very good game. It's not a very, I mean, there's some interesting things in it, but overall not a very good game.
Critique of Game Graphics and Evolution
00:08:37
Speaker
I wouldn't recommend. Do you know funny enough, Alone in the Dark is one of those games that you know when you went into and this is me again showing my age but you know when you went into Blockbuster or even when you go into like a game store and you see that one cover of a game like everywhere you know that way where it's like you go in and you see like I think the one for me was probably Condemned. I used to see that or Deadly Premonition or things like that you know.
00:09:06
Speaker
for this one it always seemed to pop up and it was the is that the one where it's like the guy with like the brown hair and he's got like the gun and the coat and everything that's like alone in the dark it's like oh man this game looks cool and i can't speak for whether or not it is because i never played it but yeah it is it is not um yeah like i was looking at the cover there i'm like yeah
00:09:29
Speaker
it's like that it's such a generic cover you exactly described it perfectly brown hair white male with a gun
00:09:38
Speaker
in a black leather jacket with alone in the dark in the middle of it. There was a lot of, cause see when I thought of that, I honestly drew parallels to see Alan Wake. Oh yeah. Cause that's got a very similar, not tight to a very similar cover, where it's like the guy standing on the cover with a gun, and you're just like, Alan Wake, and he's literally alone in the dark. So yeah, today's question is, did Alan Wake copy alone in the dark? We will be going, nah I'm joking.
00:10:09
Speaker
We're gonna crack this case wide open. Welcome to our panorama of this. Just like a quick fun fact about this actually. I can't remember what version it was. It looked as if it was like the PS1.
00:10:22
Speaker
Because genuinely, that's the way the graphics looked. It was like that kind of blocky 3D kind of thing. And oh my god, it was terrible. But apparently, there was a scene where this, like, he plays a woman in it. Someone was showing off, like, one of the animations where it's like, what happens if you get a game over? And it's like, that's a really weird thing where a zombie, like, hits you and then drags you away. Apparently, though, they actually give you the option to save. I know they give you the option, but you can actually save during that scene.
00:10:50
Speaker
which means you basically soft-locks your game into the game over scene. Isn't it? Yeah, so it's... I don't know. Like, I feel as if it's like, you know what? I'm not here to defend them, okay? It's like, Your Honor, I'm not here to defend the developers. It was their fault. They were there.
00:11:12
Speaker
I think it is that classic example of a game that deserves to be in a museum now. It's not meant to be played, it's meant to be studied and be like, oh yes, that's very influential and we can see what came from it.
00:11:27
Speaker
But let's just leave it. Let's leave it in the case. Put it behind some glass and then yeah, just leave it there. But can imagine though if they did put it in a museum, they wouldn't put it. You know you get some video games where it's like, oh look it's like a first edition of like Super Mario or something. Yeah. And it's behind like the thick glass and like the sensors.
00:11:48
Speaker
and things like that. I get the feeling that Alone in the Dark would just be in the middle of a podium just on top of one of those. Have you ever been to IKEA and seen one of those wooden things that you prop up your tablet or your books with?
00:12:03
Speaker
Just like one of them. Just sitting on that. And I'm not dissing Ikea by the way because they are brilliant stands but you know what I'm getting at. There's not really much unless if there's any Alone in the Dark fans out there, if this was your childhood, please feel free to let us know because we would love to hear what you have to say. But yeah, I've never met anybody that said, oh Alone in the Dark was my jam. Have you ever met anyone like that?
00:12:28
Speaker
No, and I think to still be an Alone in the Dark fan, you have to be in some pretty strong denial. Like, we joke about some other franchises, like, you have to be in denial. You seriously, like, I don't know what you have to take to convince yourself that everything is still good, but... Well, actually, you know, there is some hope. I saw that Alone in the Dark has moved away from Atari. It's now, like, THQ. I own it. So, maybe there's hope. You never know. Don't give up just yet. Maybe do. Maybe do. Give up late. You know.
00:12:57
Speaker
He had one good game. I mean coming from the person who used to like Sonic growing up. Yeah, it doesn't get any easier. Cut your losses. Find another franchise. You know, man. I mean, even, oh, what was that franchise called? The one with the guy with the big scissors. It was like a clock tower or something. Oh, a clock tower, yeah. It was a clock tower, yeah.
00:13:18
Speaker
Yeah, even now, did that not get a reboot? Well, it used to be a Famicom game, I think, and then it got a... I think it was like a PlayStation 2 release? Like a natural 3D models and things? An online off tangent year, but yeah, apparently so. Cos I remember seeing somebody stream it and thinking, ah, good for them. They've got a hobby. Good for them, actually.
00:13:40
Speaker
That's good for them. But Alone in the Dark, I can't see anyone coming out the woodwork to send threatening letters being like, this is my favourite game of all time. And I kind of feel bad for that because I feel as if it's an easy target. But then again, we have been through some hard times the last couple of weeks. We had to watch Burdemic, the Super Mario Bros. problem. I feel as if we need this one. We need easy targets, let's be honest. We do. We need a win.
00:14:07
Speaker
we need that one absolutely we need the glass joe of like video game franchises to beat down on get our confidence back exactly do you have anything else about the video? no no no please we're going to the film we're going to the patient
00:14:23
Speaker
actually sorry before we do move on to that i've got a quick question for you just in regards to the film and there's a bit of an impromptu question but how do you actually hear about the film like that's a very good question yeah like when was the first time you heard about this because this is an infamous film this isn't like your standard oh it's a bad film this is one of well considered to be one of the worst films of all time which is
00:14:47
Speaker
Well, I'll save my opinion for later, but yeah, like it is, it's like 1% on IMDB and everything.
Film Reception and Audience Appeal
00:14:55
Speaker
Yeah, it's scathing. The critical reception was rather scathing. I think it's a kind way to put it.
00:15:04
Speaker
I think I must have first heard about it. I think I must have heard about it about the same time that I played the Alone in the Dark game from 2008. I think I did a little bit of looking up about the series and I think I saw that there was a film. I don't remember hearing about its reputation. I think I only discovered its reputation fairly recently. I was looking into bad films, especially since we dug into looking at video game movies. That's when I was like, oh wow, this is a thing, this is a notorious thing.
00:15:34
Speaker
The minute I saw it, it was on prime. I was like, ding, ding, ding, ding. Let's do this. And you never turned back. Never turned back. Not what I wish I had. How did you hear about it? Did you hear about it before? Do you know, I honestly can't remember. I think it was because I used to watch a lot of videos of people reviewing bad films and kind of comical ones. So I think there was definitely one where they did it alone in the dark. But I think it's a combination between that and
00:16:01
Speaker
again actively searching for bad films. It's a bit like the start of a kid's horror film. You know that way where it's like, now Billy, don't you read the Necronomicon? And it's like, okay, I won't. And then two seconds later, Billy's speaking in tongues because he wouldn't bloody listen, but that's beside the point, Timmy.
00:16:21
Speaker
But yeah, it's like I decided to kind of like look into the bad films because I do have friends who have said that before. They've been like, oh, why would you watch a bad movie? You know, it's like, why would you actively choose to watch a bad film? But there's something like cathartic about it.
00:16:38
Speaker
it's not like just being able to watch a film where you know like it's kind of a mutual exchange if you will you know it's like oh i know this film's bad you know this film's bad let's you know just let's just enjoy the experience and see how really
00:16:54
Speaker
you know how bad it really is but yeah that was the I think the first time I saw it but I wasn't really interested in watching it because I hadn't the review that I watched just kind of went through the film on like a scene by scene basis like a kind of a bridged version of it and you're like okay yeah and this isn't really for me and then about several years later you said let's watch it and yeah this is why this is the last chat tsunami ever. We're shutting you down after this!
00:17:20
Speaker
We're going to quarantine. Yeah, just like the creatures in this, it's like we're shutting it down. Don't open it! No! Don't open the podcast then! What have you done? I know, I'll just be hiding in the middle of a ship and I'll get out and I'll be like, do you know what? I'll be inside that box. I'll be the one alone in the dark, fan.
00:17:43
Speaker
Notified corporate holding on to the collection of games. It's so good. I don't know. Oi, Bo was a genius.
00:17:53
Speaker
But anyway, sorry, I'm getting way too ahead of myself, so I'll give you the honour. Let's get the basic facts and then we can dive right into this corpse pile and start rummaging around. So the film was released in early 2005, directed by famed restaurateur Uwe Ball and starring Pastor Prime's Christian Slater and Tara Reid, along with a lot of other people who I've never heard of.
00:18:19
Speaker
The film was a commercial failure, if you couldn't guess, grossed $12.7 million against its budget of $20 million. As we've said, a very hostile critical reception, 1% on Rotten Tomatoes, still viewed as one of the worst films ever made. It received two Razzie nominations that year.
00:18:36
Speaker
which as you don't know is like the reverse Oscars but there was like the worst films of the year so I had two nominations but it didn't win either of them which is kind of a victory so there you go there was there wasn't a little bit of light poking through the the dung pile that was surrounding this
00:18:53
Speaker
So I tell you what, we've danced around it. Let's get rummaging diving in. Was there anything that you liked about it? I liked the ending. I liked when it was over and I was allowed to close my eyes and say, thank God it's over. Praise be, hallelujah, etc. Now jokes aside, it was competently short. Maybe?
00:19:16
Speaker
For the most part, it was, I would say. I have to admit, it wasn't the editing in This Is Awful. The editing is terrible, but most of the cinematography was it? See, this is the thing I'm conflicted about, because it is a terrible film. I'm gonna put my cards in the table and say, this is an awful film. It feels like a first draft of a film, if you know what I mean. So, can I touch on the beginning?
Criticism of Film's Narrative Techniques
00:19:40
Speaker
I'll go, Freyla. We're diving in. Go touch on whatever you want. Don't touch me afterwards. Yeah, don't worry. You and I will be at a safe distance after this, believe you. But basically, how do you even describe this? So you know at the beginning of Star Wars, you have the opening crawl, and you've got, as I've said before, the bombastic music, where it's the theme, and it's like, the Empire is coming to get you, and all of this.
00:20:08
Speaker
The classic, like the Flash Gordon, that's what it's based off of. You know, it's like, oh, it's really cool, I can't wait for this. They do something similar, only this time they do it in Windows Movie Maker, where they have the text rolling up and it's like, this, I can't even remember. Do you remember the name of the secret?
00:20:29
Speaker
people or organization. You know what, I don't know what this is about me but I actually do, the abcani. Abcani, that's it. See I remember. I remember these things. I remembered it when we were watching it but as soon as I switched off the film everything went out of my brain. I was like I have no idea.
00:20:45
Speaker
So yeah, it's like the abcani, where I don't even know who they were, it's like they were a group, I don't know, they were a restaurant, I don't know. I don't, I genuinely, they just keep saying the abcani were ancient ones, and it's like... They were a discount store for choice. Yeah, what, next to the clerks? I mean, what?
00:21:04
Speaker
I genuinely don't get what they were going for there. Well, I do, but you know what I mean? It's like, as I said, this whole film feels like a first draft. Like, I was actually, seeing when I was watching the beginning, I was thinking of ways that I... See, this is something I don't normally do because, as I've said before, I'm not a filmmaker. Like, the closest I've ever got to filmmaking was when I was in primary school and I did homemade films and things like that. So, I'm not a filmmaker, but I feel as if I could have done the opening far better.
00:21:34
Speaker
And I hate to say that. I don't want to be pretentious and be like, oh well, if it was my film. Because 9 times out of 10 with these bad films, if they mess up, it's like at least they can fall back in. Like for instance, M. Night Shyamalan, he's done a lot of stinkers, right? But at least they can fall back in other good films he's done, like The Sixth Sense and other ones that I can't remember right now.
00:21:57
Speaker
Unbreakable. Unbreakable, thank you. But yeah, it's like, usually they can, you know, go to their portfolio. But with this one, it is the laziest opening. It's just a text scroll that's like, the abcari decided to, oh god, it's just so generic. It honestly is like an AGT danger. Writing this is like, there's like light forces and bad forces, and then this guy
00:22:22
Speaker
who, after a minute, I did laugh at your description of him. But yeah, this FBI agent, or, sorry, secret agent, is like kidnapping orphans to experiment on, to fight off the darkness, and the abcani have disappeared, and the proms tomorrow, it's just, it's the exposition dump of the century. That goes on for our solid couple of minutes. Describing all this stuff that I feel as if
00:22:48
Speaker
half of it you could have cut out. I mean, there was no need to talk about the abgani. It was just like, because they'd never get mentioned again. Or if they do, it's like in passing. Unless I could be entirely wrong. Please tell me I'm wrong.
00:23:01
Speaker
No, like you're right, they refer to like art, they get brought up, it's like, oh, we have another Abkhani artifact here. And then it's like, often they'll be referenced, but they're not like, you know, we don't, we don't meet any Abkhani people. We don't go to like, you know, an ancient Abkhani site or anything like that. Like, I know. Okay. I know we're supposed to be talking about the good points. You've brought up something and then like, when you brought the narration, I instantly, my head went into my hands.
00:23:28
Speaker
We both watched this last night. Was it the first time you'd seen it, by the way? Yeah. Like, this is the first time I've seen it from start to finish. Yeah. Fair enough. So we were both watching it for the first time last night, and we were messaging back and forth as we were watching it, and I just went crazy with narration. The opening narration, it sounds like something out of a bad PS1 game, as you're right.
00:23:50
Speaker
the abkhani believed in the dark world and you know it's all that like as you said like some edgy teenager wrote this like i don't know after too much monster and then but like if it was just that one okay if it was just that one block of narration i would probably be like right that was terrible but at least we're done but throughout the film the main character edward carneby played by cushion slayer has these constant internal monologues and it's just like i always feel that like a
00:24:17
Speaker
You can tell the quality of a film a lot of the times by the amount of internal monologue. Yeah. I feel it's a way that filmmakers can't show, you know, the old show don't tell. Yeah. They can't show, have to dump this knowledge on you to be like, are you paying attention? Do you understand? Do you see? Do you see? Do you see my brilliance? He does at least three, I swear. There might even be more. Oh, yeah. And they are chunky. They have chunky bits of internal monologue. Some of them are just unnecessary, though.
00:24:45
Speaker
There's a scene at the beginning with this child too. I'm sorry, I take objection to this child for several reasons, but let's stick to the main reason. The main reason being, he's like what, 8, 9 years old maybe? And he talks like a 5 year old, he's like
00:25:00
Speaker
My mummy says there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark. Do you remember, like this is a funnier example, but do you remember Matilda? Where it was like one of the children says my mummy said something something and it's Miss Trunchbull that goes up to her and goes your mother is a twit.
00:25:17
Speaker
It's like, it's like the equivalent of that, but less funny. It's like he turned round and he says, being afraid of the dark is the only thing keeping us alive, kid. You're like, Jesus Christ, what are you on? And then there's the narration, as you said, that you think I was being an ass to that kid, but let me tell you, it'll save him one day. And it's like, spoilers, it doesn't. And, uh, sorry, kind of flash him back slightly, but the way it begins after the terrible crawl, and again, that was kind of often when he said we should be
00:25:47
Speaker
It's not the positives because I just... We're going back and forth. We're having a change of format on the fly. We're going back and forth here. Whatever comes up, we're just going to talk about. Good, bad. There's nothing in the middle. It's mostly bad. Let's just go.
00:26:03
Speaker
Because the main premise essentially as a secret government organisation is, in fact no sorry, let me rewind further. It's a rogue scientist in a secret organisation that is trying to make sleeper agents of these orphans. My favourite line in the film, or one of my favourite lines, because we were both thinking the same thing, is when he goes to the nun.
00:26:27
Speaker
it's about the stereotype but you know it's like he goes to the orphanage with this nun that's like looking after 20 of these kids and he's like oh it's fine you know we're gonna take these kids away because we've experimented on them
00:26:42
Speaker
So here's what you tell the police. I woke up and they were gone. And it's like, what, 20 children just, whoop, just gone. But then it turns out, you know, plot twist. It was only 19. They managed to get away. Because the other one climbs into like this.
00:26:58
Speaker
Oh, what is that again? It's like the... Electrical box, isn't it? Yeah, the electrical box. It's literally the opposite of all the, like, PSA videos that we used to watch in school. So we just, like, I'm assuming you were the same, but we used to have this class in school called PSA. It was like, personal social education, something like that. Correct me if I'm wrong, by the way, because I genuinely can't remember. I don't remember either. But that's how that sounds about it. We used to get these, like,
00:27:27
Speaker
Terrible terrible like videos from basically the 70s I want to say but the 70s are 80s sometimes they were from Australia I don't know why sometimes they were but like the ones we watched there used to be a horrible one where it was like a sweet boy and was playing football with his friends and then like someone kicks a ball in there and he's like
00:27:48
Speaker
Don't worry, I've got it. And then, you know, spoilers, he don't got it because one child versus a live Transformer is not gonna end well. You don't need a PSA to tell you that. But somehow this child sneaks in and, yeah, he's fine. He's sitting beside the coils and the coils are like live electricity going up them and I'm like, Jesus, obviously I know it's not real, but I'm like, Jesus. Well, it's ooh-vee-boo, you know? Maybe he's a bit...
00:28:19
Speaker
You've seen the sets in this thing. I wouldn't have put it past them to have just like broken into it. Yeah. I've been like, right, kids. Basically, the James in the end of like filming really once and then running away. I've got permission. You've decided you're more skilled at this. Yes, I've got permission. Run, run, run.
00:28:37
Speaker
So yeah, that happens. And then it turns out that the runaway orphan was the main character. And yeah, you and the disc... In fact, no. We won't go through it point by point, but yeah, it's just... What follows is just generic action. Generic acting. In fact, sorry, that's an offense to generic actors.
00:28:59
Speaker
The acting is terrible, but I am going to put a positive spin on it. It wasn't boring. That's a very fair point. Here is the thing. As I've said before, I've watched a hell of a lot of terrible films. Same to you, you've watched terrible ones as well. We're both shared in the experience. I feel as if that's why we're friends now.
00:29:19
Speaker
It's like the unspeakable truth of who must never let anybody watch these films again. But it's like a film like Turkish Star Wars. I absolutely hate that film. I think it's one of the worst films ever. A lot of people say, oh it's so bad, it's good, you know, and it's like, no it's just boring.
00:29:35
Speaker
It's nonsensical nonsense. But you know, it's just nonsense and just loud and it's terrible. But that's the thing though. I remember watching that and feeling utterly bored and I have watched other films where I just sat there thinking
00:29:51
Speaker
My god, this is boring. Same with Man of Steel. At the very beginning of it, I'm not saying Man of Steel is anywhere near the level of these ones, but it's that idea that a scene goes on too long, or dialogue isn't great. You know that kind of thing. But with this, I feel as if I watched this on my own, I would definitely say this is a terrible film. Hands down.
00:30:12
Speaker
But if I watched it with someone, which I did, I watched it with you, then it's got some entertainment in it. Because the acting is goofy. It's cheesy. It's not good. But there's a lot of fun to take out of it. Yeah. Because, I mean, you and I were messaging about, like, certain extras. So there was, like, a soldier called Miles. I know you got attached to it. You're like... Oh, man. Force him out. Force him out.
00:30:36
Speaker
I was like please tell me he's gonna survive and I attached on to I think it was like a security guard called Rob who was a sassy bitch in this by the way. He was. Oh he just kept like sassing every single character he was like oh yeah your boyfriend to the like main love interest it's like my god Rob, bugger off. Get another job. But yeah he ends up getting sliced and diced and it was a sad moment I had to pause the video for.
00:31:04
Speaker
I was like, pause the film for a brief moment to be respectable. It is a sad time. But no jokes aside, I do think that's one of the strong points in it, that it's kind of so bad that you could have friends round and just be like, oh yeah, let's enjoy how terrible this film is.
00:31:21
Speaker
It wasn't boring. It kept going. It just snapped at the beginning because I think that was the catchphrase of this film. What the hell's happening? It was. There were so many points. There was a point where I looked away for a second and I was like, what the hell is happening? A character gets stabbed, in fact they were not stabbed, but the main character, one of the main characters, throws a knife in his chest and the guy starts rubbing his nipple.
00:31:47
Speaker
and shooting in the air going ahhh and you like mentioned me saying wait how did he die i was like i looked i looked i was watching the screen and he had the the bad guy had like the gun pointed at them and he was like i win i looked down for a second i think to like i think check if you sent me a message or anything i looked but as you say he's robbing his nipples and firing this gun in the air
00:32:10
Speaker
That was like half a second I looked away that was that was funny like you know I think like I would also agree with you that was one of the like good points I wrote down about this film I think it is it makes for a good like communal watch as you say like this is one that I totally agree if I watch this by myself I would have liked
00:32:27
Speaker
I've come into work today for this. I'm just cold and sick. You know, and written angry letters to Mr. Bull. As well, I totally agree. It doesn't overstay its welcome in the sense that it's a terrible film, but I
Film's Pacing and Character Humor
00:32:42
Speaker
agree with you. I think it keeps up after that terrible, terrible opening crawl.
00:32:47
Speaker
of all the text. It does keep on fairly fast-paced in that I didn't feel like I was sitting there like, oh my god, we've still got like an hour left of this, you know? Or like, oh my god, this is all half an hour. I was like, all right, it went along that fairly good clip. So that is a positive, I would say. It overstays its welcome in the fact that it should never have been made.
00:33:06
Speaker
It doesn't overstay its welcome like beyond that. I agree with the acting like the acting is terrible You're totally right, but it is that kind of goofy terrible I think the only like what I'd say quote-unquote bad acting Tara Reid is terrible like no offense no offense to Mrs. Reid or Miss Reid I don't know what her marriage will say this but I don't think I've ever I've only seen her a couple things But I don't think I've ever seen her anything when I thought oh, that was good, you know
00:33:30
Speaker
I don't think, I mean, I think she kind of found her niece, didn't she? The Sharknado films. Yeah, I was going to say. Most well known for now. Yeah, I was going to say, was it Sharknado that she was in? Yeah, I don't know how many, but I think she became quite synonymous. There's a quite famous thing where like she has like a saw blade in her hand and she's like sawing up the sharks as they come flying out of the tornado at one point. So I think she became quite synonymous with them and that's kind of where she's fallen into.
00:33:57
Speaker
I mean Christian Slayer as well, this was like, you know, this was in the doldrums of his career. I think he's having maybe a slight renaissance now, maybe ever so slight, but this was in the proper doldrums of his career. I don't know, like, it was bad, but I can't remember, I don't think it was Tara Reid bad, his acting, like maybe just a step above, but the extras were a lot.
00:34:20
Speaker
Sorry, I was just saying, wow. It's like, it's bad, but it's not a tired of these bads. It's like, wow. Is that the definition of damning with faint praise? I think so, yeah. It's a backhanded compliment if I've ever seen one. There you go. You can put that on Christian Slater's resume. He's bad. I'm tired of reading that.
00:34:39
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, is there any other points you want to get into, good or bad? Good, bad, ugly? All the theme. I suppose the animation as well, we'll get to that, but the editing is terrible. There's a lot of flashes, there's a lot of cuts, especially for the fight scenes. What the hell are they? Oh god. They put them in a darker room and whenever there's a really hyped up
00:35:06
Speaker
you know scene where they have to like fire guns and things they put on like this heavy metal as you said before this heavy metal track and they just start blasting away and it's like why what is going on here it literally becomes a music video at one point
00:35:21
Speaker
Do you know where the monsters all break into Edward Carnby's... I can't remember if we've mentioned that in the character's name, his apartment. They break in and then the Bureau soldiers come in to rescue Thresty Edward Carnby. That's where the tar reads character is.
00:35:37
Speaker
There's a point where, like, there's a big firefight's happened. As you say, it's shot in the moose. I remember watching, like, what's happening? As you say, like, it's all like, it's almost like strobe. It's like strobe effects behind, like, all the soldiers and the gunfire is so bright and flashy and everybody, the monsters are all moving and kind of like that terrible, like, mix of slow-mo and fast, like, style of editators. And the music's playing and I was like, this is literally a crappy music video.
00:36:06
Speaker
Maybe they just wanted to do it to double up so they didn't have to go back and make the music video. You know what, fair point, fair point. Why do you say jump twice? This is a thing I don't get though, because the way they describe the monsters they say, oh they're invisible, yeah two seconds later they like show the monster and it's like...
00:36:25
Speaker
Why? Why would you show the monsters if they're invisible? Because nobody, as far as I know, no one sees them, even though they're shooting at them. I don't know. There's the whole like, maybe I'm going mad trying to find reason in this film. I don't know. It seems highly likely.
00:36:44
Speaker
Yeah, it's like, oh yeah, let's create this really cheap-looking 3D model for... I mean, again, it's not the worst I've seen, but... Oh, so, two things. Two quick things. Just going back to the editing quickly. I remember when the film finished, I turned it off. I was like, oh, what a great film. And you were like, oh, did you see the after-credits scene? And I was like,
00:37:05
Speaker
What do you mean the after credits scene? So if you watch, at least for the Amazon one, I don't know if this is like a feature on the DVD or any other release spot, in the Amazon Prime version there's a bit at the end, like after you go through the credits where it's like a blank screen for a couple of minutes and there's like a three to five minute chunk of just nothing really. Like they splice in clips of the film but it's like quiet clips?
00:37:32
Speaker
There's no audio. There's no audio, it's just clips of the film and it's just like random ones. It's not even like, I think there's one of the orphanage, there's one of like just a street shot. There's one, it's like one of those things that you would see in one of these YouTube, like, creepypasta videos where it's like...
00:37:49
Speaker
What is the meaning behind Alone in the Dark's post-credit scene? Let's have a look. And then it turns out it's like a CD, like, Satanic cult or something. It's like, I knew it. Ooey Bowl, it's your house. You know, it's like, I don't get it. But the other thing, like, going back quickly, and this became our running joke throughout the entire film, was there's a character, like, one of the fellow orphans that the main character grew up with, and called John.
00:38:19
Speaker
Sorry, let me reiterate, oh John. And there's a scene where basically all the orphans that got experimented on start to wake up because, as I said before, they're like slipper agents, aren't they? Yeah. So there's like something that wakens them and they just start walking away. In one of the scenes the wife looks up, like he gets out of bed in the middle of the night and the wife looks up and goes, oh John!
00:38:45
Speaker
And that became like the running joke, because every time someone died, there was like this understated reaction of, oh no, not Rob. I was just a running theme. I was just like, oh no, not that guy.
00:39:05
Speaker
I was just watching through that Ron Angel. It was so funny. Oh, it really was. Honestly, the end credits scene is the creepiest part of that film. Because I remember putting like, what is this? Why is this here? Why is there no audio? If anybody knows anything about filmmaking or attorney and film and did a DVD, if anybody knows the actual reason why that would be there, please, please let us know. Because I am genuinely creeped out and fascinated
00:39:31
Speaker
why that is there or if it's just some like i can't even imagine why it's there but i'd love to know but i think as well like i think going i think we can go nicely on from that as you said oh no john
00:39:44
Speaker
This film makes no sense. You describe the guy perfectly there as this fellow orphan called John. We're never told at any point who this man is until I think he's dead. And he's like, he's one of my fellow orphans. But I don't know, you're like, so who's this guy? Why? Why is this happening? And then Christian goes to see the wife, John's wife, and then he's like, oh, me and John are really close. Who is John?
00:40:10
Speaker
Yeah. Man, why do you know each other? They don't find out until after he's dead that he was an orphan. They're like, that would have been handy to know. But none of this plot holds together in the slightest way. As you say, it's all like, oh, Dark World Forces and the Ebkhani and government conspiracy, but I don't know anything.
00:40:26
Speaker
It's so bad. I was actually reading the original script was more meant to be based on the first alone in the dark game. So basically the plot of the first alone in the dark game is you play as Edward Carnby, who's the main hero of the series. And he's this private investigator, and he goes to this, it's set in the 1920s, and he goes to this mansion in rural Louisiana and gets trapped inside it and attacked by all these dark forces. And I think it was going to be something akin to that originally.
00:40:53
Speaker
Then the original script writer has some very choice words to describe working with Uwe Ball and he says that basically, basically the gist of it is that Uwe Ball took his script, threw out all the subtlety and they weren't going to ever show up with the monsters in the original script and stuff. He threw all that out and put in the crappy CGI monsters, put in Tara Reade's character, mad scientists.
00:41:16
Speaker
They are like the kind of government agency, alternate dimensions, the Matrix style slow motion stuff and just completely turned it into... I'm putting all those big like narration crawls and yeah, completely turned it around. So there might have at one point been something interesting here, but it was it was just like mangled, mangled beyond any kind of, you know, legibility or like being able to understand that.
00:41:39
Speaker
See, this is the thing I don't get, because as I said, they say throughout the film that these monsters are supposed to be invisible, and you would think that, given that that list face at this film is a tax write-off, I'm not even going to be like, aww, that maybe there was an artistic vision. No, there clearly wasn't. There was about as much artistic vision as there was, like, parallels to the original of Super Mario in the Super Mario Bros. film, you know? It's like, oh yeah, the title's the same. Great!
00:42:08
Speaker
What else? I know, but I have to admit, and I know we're gonna kind of talk about it, but like, where Super Mario failed, at least it had some good bits compared to, you know, the rest of the film, or compared to Alone in the Dark, which is just a mess in comparison. But no, this one was definitely a tax write-off bit. If it was gonna be a tax write-off, why did he bother with the CGI monsters?
00:42:33
Speaker
yeah like you think you would you would be able to cut costs if they were invisible like i know it wouldn't have been this visually interesting but i mean come on that that could have like bought i don't even know i was going to make a joke about like him buying a ticket to like escape the country after this terrible film but let's face it he did not go anywhere after this
Speculation on Uwe Boll's Directing Style
00:42:53
Speaker
he probably he's going to say to fight people he's like come at me bro oh yeah that's your piece
00:42:59
Speaker
I still can't believe people took him up in that offer. After watching this, would you not take up the offer to punch you very well on the face? No, because I get the feeling that he does seem like a very angry man. Like, I don't know how he is now. You know, maybe he's mellowed out, or maybe he's matured a bit, but especially, like, did he not, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but did he not start, like, a GoFundMe for, like, one of the, or not a GoFundMe, but something similar for one of his films, and then when he didn't get the, um, he didn't get the money, he said, like, FU to everyone.
00:43:29
Speaker
Just what every good, legitimate filmmaker does. I could be wrong in that, but I'm just... So to go fluently, then crap on him. Like, I'm sure he did. I could be totally wrong in this, but I'm sure he did, because he's like, the title of the video was something like, if y'all, or something. It's like, are you serious of it? I don't know, because as you said, when you said, like, kind of, off-handedly there, he's like a restaurateur. I mean, he is now, isn't he? He works in, like, I think it's America? Well, Canada was a... No, not America, it's Canada, sorry. In Vancouver, I think.
00:43:58
Speaker
back into filmmaking apparently he wants to make his big return so watch this space we may end up doing another one
00:44:10
Speaker
I don't want to. You can't make me. Why did I just commit us to doing that? You know what? If I have to pay the money, I'd risk getting a deadly virus. But enough about the pandemic. Or sorry, enough about his films. God. Speaking of alone in the dark, God. But anyway, sorry, God.
00:44:29
Speaker
Take us away from where to go. I think I'll go into another bad point. We kind of touched on this. This is a very poor adaptation of the source material. It's supposed to be based on this fourth low in the Dark game, which is like a reboot.
00:44:46
Speaker
the franchise and which I think is actually one that was fairly well received as a game I read the plot to this game apart from the main character sharing sharing the same name it being set in America and like maybe they dress kind of the same there's nothing like there's no like there's nothing no kind of like comparison at all like the the plot of the game is kind of centered on this like spooky mansion and where Edward Carby ends up it's you know and he's investigating the death of his
00:45:13
Speaker
partner detective partner and he kind of finds this sort of otherworldly thing which doesn't seem to be the anything to do with the abcani or anything so i again a very loose quote-unquote loose
Franchise Fall from Grace
00:45:23
Speaker
adaptation i think but you know what's actually quite funny it's a terrible adaptation of that of the of the game that's supposed to be based on but actually it's actually not a bad adaptation of the 2008 alone in the top game
00:45:36
Speaker
It's almost like the 2008 game copied parts of this film for some reason. So the kind of plot of the 2008 game is that basically Edward Carnby wakes up but he's lost his memory. He gets involved in some kind of exorcism and he loses his memory and it basically ends up this like, there's a demonic presence under Central Park in New York, New York City and it gets unleashed and basically he has to like venture into Central Park to like, you know, prevent the devil from rising and stuff.
00:46:02
Speaker
And so there are some quite interesting parallels, especially in the monster design. So do you know when the orphans get activated and attack Edward Carnby and Tara Reade's character? They actually look very similar to the kind of zombie enemies that are in the game. Quite strikingly in the way that they're very fast moving. They have that kind of pale face with the kind of like, looks like they're wearing mascara on the eyes and they're kind of like,
00:46:27
Speaker
bunch of eyes and stuff. There's also I think some of the like almost the kind of scorpion monsters that are in the in the film as well are kind of replicated in that and again every car and bees personality is very similar to the the christian christian slate there's there's a one bit which sums up the whole game for me where like you get into like a boss fight and it's against like basically a giant like scorpion with this like kind of like zombie demon like torso and head on it and the zombie and the the boss is like
00:46:53
Speaker
Well, we will bring like eternal damnation to Earth, doing all the kind of like serious talk and then, excuse my language here, but Edward Carmry's like, well, bring it on, you shithead! Why is that your response? It's such a tone breaker. I remember sitting there being like, okay, well, I'm not invested in this anymore. It almost feels that the character is kind of similar. So it's weirdly that it's a good adaptation of something that hadn't come out yet. So I don't know if that's a good point or not, but
00:47:19
Speaker
Is it like the chicken and egg scenario though, where it's like, I mean obviously a game takes years to develop and vice versa for films, but it's like, what came first? Like what bad adaptation came first? Was it the film, was it that, you know? I think there was supposed to be a tie-in video game originally with this film. Ah.
00:47:37
Speaker
I think after the reception of the film, Atari got cold feet and were like, just wait a little bit, let's sit on this for a little bit. So if it was being developed alongside, as you say, there was some of this kind of residue, all these ideas, but really, that's the most Atari thing, isn't it? To copy things from a film with 1% rating. By the way, Atari, if you still want to sponsor the show, give me a call.
00:48:03
Speaker
I can hear your silent disappointment there saying, don't you dare sell it to Atari. How many copies of E.T. are we going to have to buy? Oh god, not enough. I mean, is one enough? Too many. Yeah, exactly, it's too many. It's a weird franchise. It's like a franchise you'd think that it would die off after a film like that, but
00:48:27
Speaker
It feels as if Atari wants to back, like I don't even want to say underdog because at this point it's not an underdog. Underdog would suggest that it has a chance of actually going anywhere. This, and maybe that, did you think that's too cruel to say? Well I mean I was just gonna say it's an underdog in the sense that it's been buried under the earth. Do you know I was thinking the same thing and I thought no, I thought there was a good, no better not say that, that may be too cruel.
00:48:53
Speaker
So thank you for taking the punch. It's a metaphorical dog. I know, yeah. A metaphorical underdog. It's just a real company. But sort of go on.
00:49:03
Speaker
I mean, do you have anything else you want to say? No. Other than, yeah, that's just the act is terrible, the edit is terrible. What a fun thing. The costumes are terrible. Oh, the costumes are cheap shit. The set design is awesome. Here's the apartment. Can we briefly rag on his apartment? So if we go to Carmby's apartment, which basically like, how would you describe it? Is it like in a warehouse? It's like at night at the museum, flushed, then that would be the result of what was left.
00:49:30
Speaker
you know just that shoves everything like he's got artifacts everywhere it's like an open plan. Do you know what it reminds me of and maybe this is a bit niche but do you remember when we were playing heavy rain for our tables in Madison pages? Where it's like the huge artist like open plan thing and it is very similar
00:49:50
Speaker
but it's more like a warehouse really isn't it? Just with artifacts and a big bed in the middle. And then there's a scene where, and I did laugh at this because he's supposed to be like the by-product of like a secret organisation and his love interest somehow like breaks in and yeah they just randomly start having a love scene. Like she breaks in, she starts touching his back,
00:50:13
Speaker
then they start making out and it's very PG-13. Well I suppose I was like 12a but it was very like PG-13 kind of. Oh look! Kissing! Oh no! She has a bra and then fades to black and things and honestly just thank god they cut it short because I don't think I could have had a load of that bad acting.
00:50:30
Speaker
See, this is something I was saying earlier about it being written by a child. The reason I say that is because it hits all the beats that you would think a film like this would hit. You know, it hits like, oh, we need to have an action scene. We need to have a love scene. We need exposition at the beginning. We need a conclusion. But it's like, he took the first idea and he just ran with it. I mean, he just took the first idea and ran with it. There was no like, oh, maybe we can make this a bit better or maybe we can make
00:50:59
Speaker
that a bit better you know yeah he's yeah so sorry to answer your question these apartments terrible yeah sorry what looks like a recently deserted warehouse sorry yeah no sorry can i just say do you want to remind me of you know when you get that stereotypical stranger danger adverts and it's like the guy going around with free candy written on the side of a white van this is the equivalent of that if the free candy van was a museum
00:51:24
Speaker
that's the only way to describe it it's like he's got all these artifacts but you would not touch this thing with a 10-foot barge bow you would just be like i'm walking away it's like come on kids you want to see my upcaddy gold rings it's like yeah no no no no police please
00:51:42
Speaker
It's the same thing with the government. The government bureau's headquarters is the exact same and like, oh my God, it looks like the other half of the warehouse, to be honest. They're sharing their both tenants. In all, in this case, it's probably the same place they filmed in. Coming from someone who's worked in an office and
00:52:01
Speaker
I mean, as well, with lecture theatres and things like that, you know, it's like, I mean, obviously, I'm sure you've seen this as well, but it is like, usually in offices like that, or government ones, it's all kind of cramped together and it's quite efficient. And that's the one that's like, all the desks where, like, one was in Timbuktu, the other was in London. And I mean that in the sense that they were both like, so far away from one another in the room. And it's like,
00:52:29
Speaker
Why? Why was this neat? And then there's two random, there's like a random console at the top that's supposed to be like, I don't know, the master? Like console? Compared to the rest of them? And it's only run by two people in the end and you're like, what? And then they've got their servers right behind them, which, as I admit, that's semi-true, but you know, it's like the rest of it. You're like, why? Why is this a thing? I don't get it. I don't get this kind of environment.
00:52:57
Speaker
their uniforms as well like we had a good on the government office so the uniforms for this government this super secret government bureau are like literally a black t-shirt a pair of black trousers and then what a black baseball cap oh you mean the marx and spencer's um winter range
00:53:13
Speaker
Exactly! That is exactly what it is. It looks so crap. It's been a long time since I think I've seen it. I'm like, wow, that is a horrific costume choice. You're not wrong. I have to say you're not wrong. But you know what? It's in keeping with everything about this film.
00:53:34
Speaker
as we've said, from effects to music to editing. I honestly don't think there's anything else I could really say other than... Yeah, I think we've put as nice a bow as we can on this turd.
00:53:50
Speaker
If you were then to sum up this film and your feelings about it and watching it, how would you sum it up? Lazy. Fair enough. I feel as if... See, this is the thing I was saying. I was so conflicted about this film because, on the one hand, it is a film that is so lazy. As I said, I've never played in Alone in the Dark game, but let's face it, it's not a very good advertisement.
00:54:18
Speaker
But can you imagine all two Atari fans going to the cinema to see this, and then all of a sudden just being so laid down that it went from this, again I've not played it, but this kind of more subtle take on trying to find demons and things to, oh yeah, Uribo gave Christians later a gun.
00:54:40
Speaker
Just said, yeah, no more reads there. Oh, and Tara Reeder, let's not forget her. I do it, that's one of my favourite scenes in this song. When she runs up and she's like, Edward, you know, kisses him and he slaps him and goes, you bastard or something. He's like, what? What? What did you do? Again, it's going back to that thing of, oh, we need a conflict scene. And that was the best take they got. Oh, one of them. It's so lazy in that regard.
00:55:09
Speaker
Again, I'm not a filmmaker, I'm not an adapter, but let's face it, we could have definitely done a better job. I feel as if that's what probably everyone says when they're like, oh, we could have done a better job. But genuinely, I feel as if we could have done a better job because
00:55:27
Speaker
There is no way you could do it. Let me put it this way. There's no way you could do it in a worst job. From a better job to a worst job, there's no way you could do a worst job than this. It's just a marvel. It's one of these capsules of everything's wrong at once. But as I said before, I'm really conflicted because
00:55:45
Speaker
I had a blast watching it with you, and it was a lot of fun. So it's not the worst bad film I've ever seen, but if I was watching this on my own, I would definitely rank it there. As I said, there's far too many cons compared to the pros to actually balance this film out. What about yourself though? Honestly, I would just echo you and say, this is a dreadful film. It's dreadful, and there's so little to redeem it.
00:56:09
Speaker
I have to be honest though, it's not the worst film I've ever seen. That crown is held by Burdemic still. It's relatively competently shot and there are some laughs to be had as well. I think none of them are intentional. They were all unintentional, I'm pretty sure. There's one amazing pratfall where a guy like one of these random agents steps on a bit of floor and
00:56:31
Speaker
It's like, Marco, be careful! It just, like, my instantly falls into this bike trap. It's just, I just found that hysterical, I don't know why, but I'm just looking for that.
00:56:42
Speaker
I was going to say because like you said random agent and I'm like, how could you not remember Marco? Because immediately after that I sent you a message saying polo. You are saying that's why I enjoyed it so much. I enjoyed it so much. Hang on, let me let me bring back. It's a bad adaptation. Like there's no denying. But you know, part of me is like this isn't a very good franchise. So, you know, in the day like a cat.
00:57:10
Speaker
I can't if this was maybe like a Mass Effect film or like a Bioshock film and it was this quality I would be up in arms about it but to learn the dark man you know like this franchise is dead. The franchise is basically dead and it has like very few good games at all so I can't really be that mad about it like this is I would say this is this is a film to watch once with some friends like I did with you
00:57:33
Speaker
You can have a good time with it, you know, you can laugh at the stuff, you can make all these stupid jokes, everything, and get some great running gags going through it. You know, watch it once with some friends and then consign it to the dustbin where it belongs. That's my review of it. 10 out of 10, yeah. 10 out of 10. Let me go and rock the tomatoes and see if we can get that 1% up. 1.5. We did it! Yeah, let's get it trained and cash-tag a Lord in the Dark one person. We are the 1% who like it.
00:58:03
Speaker
Yeah, because you probably can't get 0% in Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, you can! You can! There are actually quite a few 0%. Really? Wow. Well, because I went looking, because I thought the same, I was like, this must be like, the worst, this must be like, one of the, like, lowest ranked levels, but there are quite, I think it ranked at like, number 42. Wow. Out of the worst films, there are a lot of films sitting at 0%. So, you can apparently get worse. I shudder to think. See, this is a thing, like, I, again, like, reiterate what I said before, it's a bad film, but
00:58:32
Speaker
again and if i felt bored and i don't know whether that was more because you were there or like if i watch this on my own this is a film i would definitely never watch again but because you were there and you know we were cracking jokes with one another there's material there that's the thing like it's a bad film but like for example going back to turkish star wars because i'm sorry i hate that film with a passion
00:58:53
Speaker
It's one of these films that, when the topic of bad movies comes up, everyone says, oh, Turkey Star Wars, it's so funny, it's so weird. I have never been bored, even with all the antics and things. I've never been so bored at a film, and it nearly killed off our friend. Literally, like, our mutual friend used to have bad movie nights, and, like, at the end of it, he'd just lay on the floor, and they said, yeah, that's the night over.
00:59:20
Speaker
And I kid you not, he didn't get up. He was just like, yep, that's the night over. Light yourselves out. And we did. And apparently he stayed away there for three hours until his wife came home and said, are you OK? And he's like, no. He's like, no. I just watched Turkish Star Wars. But that's the thing, though. That film is crazy, isn't it? So I don't mean to go on a tangent. No, no, go for it. I don't mean to go on a tangent, but that film is so good. Would you recommend people watch that? No. Absolutely not. Here's the thing.
00:59:49
Speaker
And again, I think this would be quite a good topic to go into for another episode, but I feel as if a good, bad film has to have some entertainment value. Even if it's low budget, even if the acting's terrible, it has to have a hook. Look at Bone Alone in Silent Night, Deadly Night. So if you guys haven't watched that episode, I think it's episode seven or eight, I was like, we did it during Christmas last year, like the run-up to Christmas. I was, yeah.
01:00:19
Speaker
Yeah, it was Christmas time, yeah. Yeah, we discussed Silent Night, Deadly Night and Bone Alone. And although that was two hours of us ranting about the films, we had a laugh at it. And that's the thing. It's good if you have a bad film that at least you can talk about. At least if it's got talking points and bits you can say, that was so ridiculous that was funny. Because I feel as if the worst thing a bad film can do is be boring.
01:00:44
Speaker
And that's how I felt Turkish Star Wars was. It was just a film that had all this randomness happening. And that was it. It was just like, oh yeah, we've got these scenes cut in with Turkish Star Wars. So actual Star Wars. And yeah, so just to give quick context to that, Turkish Star Wars is basically Star Wars, like the film, but it's like cut in with
01:01:05
Speaker
Turkish actors isn't it like Turkish actors using their own or doing their own story in between and there's like the cheap fighting and the cheap acting and it just was boring like initially you're like oh how's this gonna go and then by the end of it you're like I no longer wish to watch films anymore it's like how do I make it illegal to watch films you know it's like genuinely it was
01:01:30
Speaker
It
Film Comparisons and Director Analysis
01:01:31
Speaker
was terrible. It was absolute. And sorry for going in that rant there, but I feel as if at least I'll give a loan in the dark of that, and I hope if a loan never, like, hears this, and say it's like, oh, I've got a fan, because you're doing. But, you know, like, at least it had talking points, and at least we can make jokes about it. Yeah. There's nothing worse about a film where you can't riff on it, or if you try to riff on it, it's like there's nothing there to bounce off of. So yeah, sorry for that.
01:01:58
Speaker
No, it makes a good, it's actually a really good comparison, though, I think, because as you say, like, this is more of a classic backfill. But like, it's that way. She said we had a lot of fun riffing on it, and just like making in jokes and everything. And it was kind of it made it fun and entertaining to watch. The way I quit watching Turkish Star Wars is that scene from 2001.
01:02:16
Speaker
where he goes through the space portal, it's all the flashing colors, and he's like, ah, that's how I equate with Tokyo Star Wars, because even though we were all watching it as a group, like, and this was in the four times, and you could actually beat up and do these things. You know, we were watching the other. It was just, everyone just sat there in silence, and I was just like, oh my God, I felt I was going on this existential journey through like time and space and myself and the human condition. But yeah, like, so at least this one, you can sit down with friends, and you will have fun, I think,
01:02:46
Speaker
part and then maybe just as I say never watch it again. Do you know, is he thinking back to when we did those bad movie nights? I think there was only one other film which I loathe to actually mention but there was only one other film I think topped it as being the worst one. It was the something dinosaur hell one.
01:03:05
Speaker
oh yeah the something censored barbarian and yes you remember yeah uh-huh
01:03:18
Speaker
it's to say it because yeah that was another one that is just inherently uncomfortable just purely everything and yeah it's one of these films you don't know with bad films that's the thing like with a one in the dark at least there's a huge bat signal saying don't watch this but roll up and see the freak
01:03:39
Speaker
You're not wrong. But this is the thing though, it's like, why would you do this? Just why would you make a film like this? But again, I don't want to say all people are too harsh on this film because they really aren't. But there is a kind of sense of that where you're just like, why would you make this? But there are worse films there. That's the only final point I'm going to say that are worse films out there. Like for people who are like doing like the pilgrimage to the bad films and they're like,
01:04:08
Speaker
Oh, I can't wait to watch All In The Dark. It is bad. It's awful. It's purely based on everything. But personally, I don't think it's one of the worst films I've ever seen. I mean, I've seen some stinkers. I would say it's terrible. It's definitely up there, but not the worst one, maybe. I mean, you've seen Bardemic. Like, I know you're feeling something.
01:04:27
Speaker
on that film so like as a final as a final thing like we obviously we watched obviously super mario bros the film a few like weeks a few weeks ago how do you think how do you think this one compares like how do you know in the dark compared to super mario bros both both as a film and as a video game adaptation um super mario brothers compared to this film was a one-to-one adaptation and did nothing wrong
01:04:51
Speaker
Again, I've never seen the moon in the dark, but I can't imagine any of that was adapted well.
01:04:58
Speaker
Whether it's a reboot version or not, I can't imagine any of it was adapted well compared to what they had before. It's a weird one. It's a very, very weird one. I would say, at least with the Mario one, they kind of took a chance with things. Whereas with this film, with Alone in the Dark, they kind of... Do you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of a trampoline versus a recliner.
01:05:24
Speaker
I would say Super Mario Bros was like trampoline where it was like, I mean don't get me wrong, not if they jump was going to be perfect, sometimes they don't jump at all, a la Mario. Yeah, go watch an episode and that to get the joke, but good episode.
01:05:42
Speaker
That at least took chances to be different. I wasn't a big fan of it, but I can appreciate at least the fun of it. You know, again, this is another group film where if you watch it with other people, with your friends or whatever, or your relatives who you've liked.
01:05:58
Speaker
unknowingly Shanghai-ed into watching it with you. You know, it's like, you'll have fun. You'll have fun and you'll have a good time. With Alone in the Dark, it's as if, as I said, Evie Bow has looked at the script, said, yeah, that's good enough, and then just reclined back. And instead of jumping up to take risks and things, I mean, he has taken risks, but they're the laziest risks. It's like, oh yeah, CGI monsters, oh yeah.
01:06:25
Speaker
this and that, and you're like, come on, surely, surely. You could have had something better, but again, I was not a fly in the ball, so I don't know what it could have been like, but judging by his personality back then, compared to, you know, testimonies and things like that, I can't imagine he would be a very pleasant person to work with. It doesn't seem to me that there's no sign there of being like, yeah, this looks like a fun guy to work with.
01:06:51
Speaker
Yeah, no, they definitely seem like the kind of guy that... Well, I don't think he's probably too far off the directors of the Super Mario Bros. film, where they were quite horrible as well. And again, listen to our episode on it, but yeah, they were like pouring coffee on people, they were yelling at other people. Both of these films probably shared the same environment.
01:07:13
Speaker
And supposedly the bardemic as well. There seems to be a running theme of the films which isn't a review of all the terrible people in charge of them. But what are your thoughts on it though compared in the film? I think, honestly, I agree with everything you said. The Super Mario Bros is an infinitely better film.
01:07:29
Speaker
Than Alone in the Dark. Super Mario Bros. has faults. There's no denying. I think the thing that makes this such a bad adaptation, Alone in the Dark, such a bad adaptation, is it's not like Super Mario Bros. Like when they made that film, the Super Mario games were still fairly limited. There wasn't really a developed story to actually take from. There was a fully developed story in Alone in the Dark. You could have taken any plot from any of those games and adapted it, but they didn't. They, you know, they went on their own weird, you know, route. And yeah, so that's why it makes it
01:07:58
Speaker
For all the faults in the way that Super Mario Bros. film adapted its source material, living in the dark is infinitely worse because it had more to work with. It had a cheat sheet, but instead of using the cheat sheet, it wiped its ass with it.
01:08:16
Speaker
Smeared that on the... Smeared that on its exam, you know. That's what it did, so, yeah. Go watch the big Mario Bros and then watch this film once, you know. And then, as I say, put it in the bin where it belongs. Or even skim through it. We don't work for you people. No, that's true. That's true. Absorb it in whatever format you want. Yes. Or do you want to be a cur, you know? Meditation. Knuckle. Did you say pop-up, Dick? Pop-up, yeah. Oh, that's a thing.
01:08:45
Speaker
That's a thing. It's definitely a film. Whether it's good or not, it is a film. And that is literally all I can say about it. It's a film. It's a good closing line, to be honest. So have you got any closing thoughts about the film? I mean, force them out for Agent Miles and security guard Rob. They deserve better, man. They deserve better.
01:09:08
Speaker
than their fate and also being in the film. I'm technically the taxi driver as well at the beginning. I don't think he's survived. I forgot he was evil. I forgot all about that character. Yeah. Because I'd watch it, that character was going to be like quite a main part. And as you say, like he probably dies. What, like the Rob Schneider of the Dark Universe. Yeah, because it's going to be the sort of way of it, but no, no. And even give me that.
01:09:34
Speaker
That's the comic relief in this, isn't it? There's the light. No intentional ones. Oh yeah. The funniest that I can not stop laughing, because every single time, so there's like, not an antagonist, but more of a rival character of one of the main agents who works at like...
01:09:53
Speaker
I think it's Division 713, and I never really thought much of it until you started making the jokes that it's almost as if there's tension between them, but almost as if it's about to break out into a romantic comedy. A very particular kind of tension between them. Yeah, a particular kind.
01:10:12
Speaker
And it was like, because it was like, they'd be arguing, they'd be like, you're stupid, no, you're stupid, and you would just be texting me in all caps saying, my god, kiss already! It's like, come on! It was interesting looking at it through that lens and it's like, you know what, you're not wrong.
01:10:31
Speaker
Somehow you're not wrong about this interpretation. And I doubt he intended it, but because I bet you the way Uwe Bow directed it he thought, oh yeah look at these two macho men getting each other's faces and yeah, little look at them going like, you're, you're a rogue agent, you're out alive, you're a loose cannon. And we were just like, ha ha, Aaron love.
01:10:53
Speaker
I don't think he would have appreciated that. There was a lot of weird scenes in the film that wasn't there where it was like they were trying to make them very macho without making them. It's like tell me you're macho without telling me you're macho and it's like oh he's got big guns he's got a leather jacket and it's like
01:11:15
Speaker
Oh, okay. Fair enough. I genuinely didn't know where they were going with it. It was kind of like, what is the end game here? What is happening? Sorry, yeah. It's like, tell me your macho without telling me your macho.
Comedic Character and Tangents
01:11:33
Speaker
There's an inner monologue, Count. I'm macho since I was, like, glitched into another one of those. I would, like, curl up on the floor. But you're right, though. There was, like, three of them.
01:11:43
Speaker
Oh, we forgot to mention it before we wrap up. We forgot to mention Fish. So there's a character literally referred to. I think his full name's like Fisher, but he's just referred to as Fish. And I made the observation that the reason he's called Fish is because he never closes his damn mouth. Except for one scene. And it's the scene where he ends up getting infected. Spoilers. If you've come this far and cared about spoilers, I'm so sorry. Yeah, he just does not close his mouth. He's like,
01:12:12
Speaker
Oh, you're listening to this? It's like, oh my god, close your mouth. Because literally this scene mitigates into an argument with the main antagonist, the rival. And he's like, you want to tell me what you're doing out here?
01:12:29
Speaker
Oh well, there's no clothes in my mouth. And I was sending you messages at all caps like, oh my god, just close your mouth. Just once, close your mouth. And then the one scene he does close his mouth is the scene where he, ironically enough, gets like a bug shoved down his throat.
01:12:46
Speaker
And what I found hilarious was we were talking, I don't know whether it's the same character but see for the sense of comedy, I'm just gonna say it's the same character. There's a character at the very beginning who's like the archaeologist beast fishing at the beginning so we just called him the fisherman and he breaks into fish's house. He's the one who'd get like off some and I was like losing my shit at this scene. I was like the fisherman!
01:13:10
Speaker
The fisherman has got the fish! I repeat, the fisherman has got the fish! Oh, I was absolutely over myself. This is the best film ever, 10 out of 10. It's like poetry, it rhymes. As George Lucas once said, it's like poetry. I must say you were on top four when we were watching that. You were coming out with all those zingers and I was like,
01:13:33
Speaker
I'm just so glad I'm watching this film with you. Oh, thank you. Same to you, by the way, because I'm like yours. I was like drinking. I was like drinking some water and all of a sudden all I saw was your message. I was like, oh, God. I couldn't drink when I was watching those two scales. I was like, Satsy's going to send a zigger here and I'm going to spill it all over myself. What was the radio act of when I sent you? Oh, God, what was that again?
01:13:57
Speaker
What was the guy's name? Because honestly, oh, you've forgotten now. Edward, what was it? Carnby? Carnby, yeah. Because you said, because he gets beeped with the, it's supposed to be like a, I don't even know, like a kitchen timer, I think. Something like that. It's like beep beep. And you said, oh, he's radioactive. And they said a Carnby. I was like, oh, who is it? Edward Carnow? Or something like that.
01:14:22
Speaker
I was just like, this film broke me. Some places I was just like, yes. Because I think it was at that stage. You know that way I get when we do Let's Plays together and there's just that breaking point where I just go into a manic stage? Yeah, if you haven't seen this, go watch the, I think it's episode 7 of our Warsland Let's Play.
01:14:47
Speaker
Or the compilation as well when I get my hands on the drone. I feel as if at that point I was at breaking point after losing so many games I was just like woohoo, let's go! That's how it felt. That's how it felt with this film. I was just like woohoo, let's go! That breaking point. Yeah. There should be a term for that. Classified. Oh my god, let's get up with the medical dictionary. I know.
01:15:10
Speaker
Let's do it, guys. Let's get it trained. We're very bold, isn't it? Let's get it trained on Twitter, or I don't know. Do kids still use MySpace? We're working the work afterwards. After we're finished. So thank you, guys. If you want to see more of our content, you can follow us at MySpace.com.
01:15:28
Speaker
God, can you imagine? I do even know MySpace stuff, I think. And this kind of tells a lot about the film, isn't it? The last note we're ending on is about MySpace, rather than the actual film. The fact
Cultural Experience of Watching Bad Films
01:15:43
Speaker
that we've gone into diversions about MySpace and Turkish Star Wars, I think, is the most perfect critique of what we think of this film. Oh, God, you're telling me. So yeah, is there anything else you would say about this film?
01:15:55
Speaker
No, like, again, I would just say, like, if you want to watch it, gather some friends, you know, well, if you can gather them in person, um, even better. But equalized, and we did it. We did it remotely and we saw that we saw the blast. Enjoy it. And then maybe watch Turkish. I don't know. I don't know whether to recommend as a cultural experience. Watch Turkish. It's like a cultural experience as an existential as a journey through the self. What?
01:16:24
Speaker
I wanted to ask you, I want feelings about that, but I can't describe it, like, you know. I had to blink twice if you did help. Are the Turkish Star Wars people blackmailing you to promote this one? The Turkish Star Wars Matthew got me, got the rucks into me. It's like, can you imagine that though? It's like, you know you get the tours of my dress, so it's like, wow, Turkey's so beautiful.
01:16:49
Speaker
the culture the you know the arts and everything and he turned around and it's just a thing that turkish star wars and it's like oh oh that's why it's roll up your windows around the bad part of turkey roll that up i say so is that your final answer
01:17:06
Speaker
That's my final answer. I may give it what you will. Yes, so to conclude our hour and a half discussion of this. Yeah, don't watch Turkish Star Wars. Oh, and something about Alone in the Dark, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but yeah, mainly that. But yeah, thank you Adam for, yeah, leading the discussion in this one. And yeah, watching this film with me.
01:17:27
Speaker
No, no, thank
Closing Remarks and Promotions
01:17:28
Speaker
you for not like instantly kicking me out of chat tonight when I suggested it. It wasn't the worst. It wasn't the worst. I mean the experience, I don't mean the film. The film's terrible still. Oh yeah. So is Turkish Star Wars but mainly, mainly that. So next week we will be diving into Turkish Star, in fact you're what. I can't even make that joke without heathen because I feel as if I would have to commit and I really don't want to.
01:17:58
Speaker
Do that for a special. We ever hit like some milestone. We'll save Turkish Star Wars for that. Yeah, 1000 day lessons on Chatsunami and we will watch Turkish Star Wars and review it again. But we'll even do it in person.
01:18:13
Speaker
Oh my god, yes, we have to. Let's get like a live event. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, because that's what we record at live. That'd be amazing. Not the film itself, because I feel it would get DMCA'd to hell and back. We'll just say you stole stuff from a film first. Yeah, I may have stolen this footage from them, but let's face it, they stole my free time. Who's the real victim here? Yeah, who's the real victim for watching Turkish Star Wars here?
01:18:43
Speaker
Me or this? Yeah, still me. Yeah, I'll have to message our friend and see if he's alright because I don't think he was the same after that night watching that film. Yeah, we're going above his floor ever again. And it's weird because we went away scot-free, like skipping away thinking, haha, alone in the dark, so.
01:19:00
Speaker
That's true. That's true, you know. Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for what you get to watch sometimes. Yes, bigger. It may be bad, but it's not like it doesn't crush your soul and make you question. Yeah. The human condition. That's got deep really fast. Really? I don't know. So next week... No, joking. Can't say it. Can't say it. Yeah, once again. Thank you, Adam, for joining me on the part with this discussion of Turkish style.
01:19:26
Speaker
I know. Apologies for this getting given. No, no, no, no. I'm the one that brought it up. To be fair, I'm the one that... I'm the one that caused this mess. It's like, no pa. It's mine. No pa. It's my fault. I'll take it out back. Get the Turkish Death Star.
01:19:47
Speaker
I did. You know what, I'm not even going to ask. No, before we go back into more. No, cut the feed. Cut the feed. And yeah, thank you to all you lovely listeners out there joining us both live and in the future listening to us back. We really appreciate it.
01:20:07
Speaker
If you want to see more of the Chat Tsunami content, you can catch us on Anchor, Spotify, really any podcasting app. Because just type in Chat Tsunami, same with YouTube as well. We've got a YouTube channel for this video, well, for past episodes. So yeah, if you don't have like Spotify or those kind of apps, then yeah, check us out on YouTube. You can check out the past episodes.
01:20:29
Speaker
As you said of the Super Mario Bros film, Birdemic, our discussion about Bone Alone and what was the other one? Oh yeah, Silent Night, Deadly Night. So yeah, check us out there. And yeah, if you want to check out more of my content personally, you can check me on Twitter.
01:20:47
Speaker
Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and of course Twitch and Facebook as well. Keep forgetting about Facebook. Yeah, and Twitch as well under the name Satsanami42. On YouTube, check out our Let's Play series, Tea Posing, which I have to admit has been a lot of fun to do with you and credential. Oh, it's been so good. Yeah, it has been. So we've been playing through games like Warzone, GTA, Heavy Rain, which has been amazing as well, and Breath of the Wild, so that's been a lot of fun. And yes,
01:21:15
Speaker
As always, stay safe, stay awesome, and most importantly, if a rogue Uwe Bo approaches you, contact the authorities or the nearest adult and they will be able to... Well, I would say they'll be able to protect you, but let's face it, you've got several movies out of this, so... Out of video games, so you know... You're probably screwed. Yeah, you're probably screwed, so it was nice knowing you. So yeah, on the final note, stay hydrated. Bye guys. Bye bye.