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BONUS: The Poopisode
31 Plays6 months ago
All the poop story highlights from the archived 1st season of Magnifishit, brought to you in one beautiful poopisode.
Image Credit: Iuliia Duzhnikova
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
a hey hey give for shit i magn for shit day i give for shitni for shit a give for shit she i she so magnificent mag for she mag magnificent a mag a for shit mag Hey me!
Introduction to 'Pupisode'
00:00:26
Speaker
Hello! Welcome to an incredible episode. This is going to be fan fantastic. It's going to be ah poopa so a
00:00:39
Speaker
And what is a poopisode, you ask? Well, guess what? A poopisode is highlights all brought together from the very first season of magn Magnificent where we tried to talk about fantasy football and we did. We definitely did talk about fantasy football, but the best part about those episodes was dudes getting together and just talking about poop.
Fantasy Football Takes a Backseat
00:01:02
Speaker
So I've gathered all those poop stories together in this one poopisode that you are currently listening to. I'm going to archive all the older episodes so we can use this just to hold on to a little piece of the past, if you will.
00:01:20
Speaker
And as we kind of sunset the fantasy football talk, I mean, I'll leave the door open. I might obsess over fantasy football at some point again in the future, but right now I'm just too obsessed with GameStop, Roaring Kitty, Keith Gill, Deep Fucking Value, Ryan Cohen, everything that's going on over there to spend a portion of my my energy, my mindshare on fantasy put football in a podcast form. So we're going to sunset it. Goodbye season one Magnificent Hello Pupisode Highlight podcast episode. I hope you enjoy! I know you will!
Baby's First Blowout
00:02:30
Speaker
does that feel? God, it feels good. It's been ah it's been a while. Been too long. Missed you. I missed you so hard. Missed having you in my ears. How's your life? It's sleepless, full of poop and diapers.
00:02:50
Speaker
but we like to like talk about poop on this podcast. So that yeah, I was going to say, at least you got a lot of shit going on. You accomplish something that most people will never be able to accomplish in their entire lives. And a lot of people are going to be really jealous about that. Do you want to, do you want to, you don't even remember at this point it's been too long. You forgot you were like,
00:03:18
Speaker
once in a lifetime moment that you had a few weeks ago? Oh yeah, fuck yeah, I got a hole in one. Bitches. Yes. Any sweet poop stories on your end for the last couple of weeks? Our baby had the first blowout not too long ago. I don't know how we've been ah escaping blowouts for so long, but first blowout happens the other day.
00:03:44
Speaker
um during the workday for me. So I get this you know panic from upstairs like, help, Manatee Jackson, help. And so me being Manatee Jackson, of course, i I run to the call of ah any help cry.
Workday Poop Challenges
00:04:05
Speaker
Just bringing the action now.
00:04:07
Speaker
And there's just, there's poop everywhere. And like, it's on the onesie. We got to throw the onesie away. It's up the back. It's in the crib. I mean, there's, there's just poop everywhere. And I have a meeting in a little bit. So I'm like, Oh no, I'm going to be late for this meeting. Like, what am I going to do? I have to like clean this poop up. So I text the boss and I say, Hey, running a little behind, get it?
00:04:45
Speaker
ah I told the father-in-law that one. He told me I should
Evolution of Baby Poop
00:04:50
Speaker
submit it to Reader's Digest, so I might just do that.
00:04:56
Speaker
Who knows? Maybe you'll see. That is golden. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating that. By the way, the evolution of baby poop is pretty incredible. What's up? If you know too much about this, all I've heard is that right away, it's like black and like nothing.
00:05:15
Speaker
Oh yeah, right away it's like the stickiest black tar type of shit. Like the nurse changed the first diaper and like it looked like she was peeling bubble gum like off the baby's ass with the diaper. Like it was just like stretching out. It's nuts. It's s gnarly. It doesn't really smell.
00:05:37
Speaker
which is kind of good. But then they go through that period. And it happens like, I mean, they poop like five times a day. And then it slowly like turns into this like mustard. Am I right? Could you imagine pooping five times a day? That'd be kind of awesome. I'm just grateful for one a day, you know? Yeah, take your blessings where you can get them.
00:06:01
Speaker
Yeah, I wonder what we need to do to change our diets for a five poop day. Probably a lot of Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Yeah. Yeah. Great minds.
00:06:13
Speaker
But this, so then it turns like mustard seedy Brown and gets more runny, you which is easier to clean up. cause that sticky stuff you're like you go through like 10 wipes every poop just trying to get the stick off the butt but when it gets soupy it's a lot easier and then they poop more infrequently so it's like every other day now and that's where we're at in our baby poop journey so now how it's going to evolve from here Your baby poops every other day, no? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, I know. That was a surprise to me too. I thought it was like, I thought it was just going to be a shit show all day, every day. Like every diaper change is how I envisioned it. That's how the movies portray it. But yeah, that's, that's an evolution, ah evolution of baby poop through nine weeks. Let's, let's kick it back
Nature Pooping Joys
00:07:06
Speaker
to you. What else happened after the hole in one? Are we missing out on any fun poop stories?
00:07:11
Speaker
The thing that I like, I don't like having the four walls around me. I've, I've said that before. I love pooping in nature, but, uh, I do enjoy when you poop that, that delay between the poop exit in your butthole and you hearing the plop down when it finally lands. I do enjoy that. There's something very satisfying about that. Yep. Just removed a bunch of waste from my body.
00:07:41
Speaker
That was a good one. Oh my gosh. You can tell by the thud, rather than needing to look before you flush. Whoa, that much. And we had we had some we had some Mexican food going in out of Grand Marais. And then we also had tacos the first night. So my my like first couple of experiences in that in that outhouse were pretty great. They were great. There was I was I was filling it up.
00:08:10
Speaker
Oh, that's awesome. Especially when you know there's plenty of space to fill up. You've got nothing to worry about. Nothing. It's not going to, it's not going to breach. It's not going to like touch the tip um or like touch my butt as I'm like filling up those the bowl. Don't have to worry about splatter kicking back at you. Right. It's not like day three of like a ah big concert fest or anything like that. That's dangerous. You don't want to go anywhere near that.
00:08:39
Speaker
No. ah It really is like when you're sitting there and you're taking a shit and it just all comes out so smooth, so nice and you go to wipe and there's like not even any poop to wipe up. That's a magnificent. It's almost picturesque. That's an absolutely to a T. That's mag. You took a magnificent shit right before you got on this podcast. Yeah, not 15 minutes ago. Was it It was great. It wasn't it my not and i might not have been up to the magnificent level, but it was a really good poop. Opposite of magnificent, I'd say, is you're in a hurry, got to take a quick little dump, just something really quick. It's not even like you have to go too bad and just a little bit plops out.
00:09:25
Speaker
And then you go to wipe, and it's like, okay,
Unique Poop Stories
00:09:28
Speaker
I gotta wipe again. You wipe, it's the same amount for like five wipes in a row. Over and over again, over and over and over and over again. Opposite of magnificent. Yeah, so that's not what we're doing here. we're We're running something special here. We're very special. So this is the historic first ever magnificent fantasy football show.
00:09:53
Speaker
Joining me tonight is Tay Dizzy. Diz, what up? What up? It's the big Tay Dizzy. I'm so fly, I might get jizz in your eye.
00:10:10
Speaker
Don't, don't get jizz in my eye, please. So yeah, maybe some magnificent stories. And Diz, I have one I'd like to start off with. Um,
00:10:23
Speaker
Go ahead. I had to go up to Duluth this week. I went to Duluth. I was driving up there. I had to stop in Hinkley and ah you know I had to take a poop. So I went into the stall at the bakery at Toby's. it's ah It's a treat. But anyways, I'm sitting there in the bathroom. I'm taking a poop. Do you put a a nest down when you're when you're in a public bathroom? It depends on the level of urgency. I mean, if it's like,
00:10:51
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, if I have time and it's, it's, uh, it's doable. Yeah, I will, but, uh, of course, if it's super urgent, I will make sure to, to just get, get the business done that needs and eject. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, a lot, all the, I'll probably tend to put the nest down more often than not. So anyways, I put it down going.
00:11:18
Speaker
Uh, and it's just, you know, your typical run in the mill poop, some guy, someone walks in, they go to the far stall, not right next to me. Um, and they pee and they wash their hands. They leave super normal, right? Nothing out of the ordinary, out of the ordinary there.
00:11:35
Speaker
Then another guy comes in maybe 30 seconds later and he saddles up to the stall right next, the urinal right next to the stall. So I can see his feet clear as day. And I wouldn't have noticed his feet or him at all if it wasn't for the fact that I, like, id I don't, I would be surprised if more than 50% of his urine made it in the urinal.
00:12:00
Speaker
yeah Yikes. It just kept on spilling on the ground in between his feet. Oh no. Like it just, and it wasn't like a steady stream either. It was like, like, it was like, he was like, I don't know. It was so weird. And so that was one of those situations where like I'm memorizing the shoes that this guy has and the bottom of his pants because I need to know who this, who this guy is. Yeah. Yeah. So I wrap things up.
00:12:29
Speaker
Um, I mean, he left a trail of his own urine that got like tracked on the bottom of his shoe. Oh, man. It's really weird. So yeah, I tried to find or I tried to spot him to see like to just to let him know like, Hey, you're a gross person. But he was long gone by the time I left. So Oh, man.
00:12:51
Speaker
That's rough. Did you get out of the way or did you did you get a little splattered yourself? No. Yeah, thankfully it was far enough away. It didn't it wasn't really I wasn't in jeopardy, but uh Dang still a traumatic experience nonetheless. Yeah He must have been hammered or something Yeah i only hope so Or just or just really struggling and That's a rough one. Oh Nice well I have a couple stories, magnificent stories. Um, and I wanted to share one.
Wilderness Toilet Paper Discovery
00:13:25
Speaker
Um, it's actually not my shit, but it's a friend shit and it's unique, but I think it's, I think it's one of the most miraculous, uh, shit stories I've ever, I've ever heard. So I'll share it. So, uh, we're up in the boundary waters. One of my friends, one of our friends at his name, we'll just call him big Johnson. He's out on ah on an excursion on his own, doing some fishing.
00:13:47
Speaker
just ah one person in a canoe and he's out far enough away from the campsite where he's he's not coming back for a while. He was playing thinking about staying out through lunch and maybe coming back later in the evening and it starts to rain and so ah Big Johnson decides he needs to pull up on shore. So he pulls up on shore and he finds an area like underneath this this evergreen tree and he lays down for a little bit. He's like, God, I got to take a shit. And he doesn't have any TP, rookie mistake. Didn't bring anything with him. And so he starts venturing out. He's just like, I got to go. So he starts venturing out and then he goes and he's looking after he's after he takes his his his poop. And I'm sure it's pretty glorious from the you know the view, you given the boundary waters. um But he's looking around, trying to figure out what he's going to do to clean his ass. and
00:14:44
Speaker
He turns and he looks and the way he told this story and underneath a log was a Ziploc bag of teepee in the middle of the woods. And, uh, so he lucked out no and, uh, yeah. so in no And he brought the teepee back. He didn't even go to a latrine. It was like in, it was just like a squat down kind of situation. Yeah, he was in off the grid. I mean, he just had to pull up. It was pouring and he had to pull up and kind of wait out the rain anyway.
00:15:13
Speaker
And, uh, decided he needed, he had to go at that time and he got pretty lucky and then found, uh, a roll of toilet paper in a Ziploc bag. And I can't imagine what was he walking around? would like No, he said he was, I mean, I think he, I think it was within probably, you know, 10, 15 feet of him when he, you know, underneath a log kind of duck tucked back in there, but there wasn't even a campsite. It was just a.
00:15:36
Speaker
You know an area that he was in so Wow super lucky shit. i would I'd call it ah a lucky shit more than I'm magnificent. But uh God works when I'm serious wise, is right? He does and he yep he he replenished the teepee roll when it when it was least expected so Unbelievable lucky for big Johnson. Yep. So hey, but here's to you big Johnson Here's a big Johnson. Well done. Cheers
00:16:03
Speaker
I wish I wasn't as hungover, but I'm excited. Why are you so hungover? Walk us through that.
Hungover Pooping Challenges
00:16:10
Speaker
ah We did. It's just been a three day banger, dude. Well, that that's good. Have you had your first hungover shit yet? Yes. So this morning, woke up, rushed teeth, take shit, make some bacon and eggs, and now talking to you guys. It's been a great morning.
00:16:33
Speaker
How many wipes? Because the hungover shit is always messy. Yeah, it was a lot. is Had it been like four, I feel like. That's actually pretty good. That's pretty conservative. Even when it's not a messy wipe, I burned through four wipes. What's your average wipe? How many times? um Probably 5.7ish.
00:16:56
Speaker
Really? Because I do a couple dry wipes and then I get um you know the last couple of wet and make sure it's clean. You love those wet wipes. Actually, you know what I was reminded of? I forgot to bring this up the last time. But I remember when you and I went to winter camping, you like refuse you refused to poop because your wet wipes froze. I did not refuse to poop, but my I did bring wet wipes like an idiot and they did freeze.
00:17:22
Speaker
And then you wouldn't poop the rest of the trip. That's not true. I totally pooped. I pooped. I hung in my butt over a fallen branch and I let it fall into the snow. It was really cool shit. Did you just kind of melted all the snow all the way down and then steamed up? And then I grabbed a, I grabbed a snowball and then I wiped it off. Yeah, I was going to say you splashed a little white powder on your butt afterwards. Yeah.
00:17:48
Speaker
Yeah. So do you always use wet wipes everywhere you go? No, no. So let me me explain. No, no, no, no. It's not official. I mean, for that camping trip I did buy wet wipes, but for everyday use, you get your own wet wipe. Just dried, crumpled up toilet paper, put it under the sink a little bit, finish the job. Make sure you're clean. No more itchy buttholes. I've been doing it dry paper my whole life. I feel like I'd be tough to switch. Level up.
00:18:17
Speaker
It's time to to grow up. Really. You have a bidet, don't you? We did. And then i I forgot what I was doing. I had to like change it or retighten some or fix something and then it broke and I started leaking and then I had to uninstall it. Oh, shit. That's too bad. I'm sorry, man. All right, man, let's take a look at these games.
00:18:44
Speaker
Okay, you don't wanna talk
Tech Troubles in the Bathroom
00:18:45
Speaker
poop at all? We'd like to talk poop on this podcast, but we can skip the poop talk if you want. We can just dive right in. We've got some really good poop stories, but we have a a really nice slate to get through here, and I know we're crunched a little bit for time, man, so let's get rolling. I was kind of like a lot of our stories. I was taking a shit, and I pull out my phone, and it's got the new Apple updates downloading. I was kind of pissed off because said, don't download this update, do it later. And apparently that means like, okay, we'll do it. Like a minute from now, that's later in Apple's world, I guess. So I'm taking a shit and I see my phone just downloading this new software update. And then I got up, it was like, you know, usually I take a little bit more time. Obviously, if your phone's not working,
00:19:36
Speaker
You kind of realize how much time you're wasting on the shitter when you have a phone in your hand versus no phone. Do you remember your last shit you had without a phone? ah i Probably camping. If I get up from from, if I have to poop at work and i and I get up and I get to the bathroom and I realize I left my phone at my desk, I'll go back to get it and then go back to take a shit.
00:20:03
Speaker
Well that's the on the clock shit. Of course you're going to have your phone for that one. You're not going to have no no quick dumps on the clock.
Public Pooping Adventures
00:20:10
Speaker
but I do have to say, since shit is in the title of our show, I feel like we should have a recurring theme talking about shit. I think that's a good idea. I don't know if you have a best shit ever. I do. I have a poop that I took that was better than all of the other poops I've ever taken.
00:20:27
Speaker
Was it location? Was it length? Was it yeah felt? No, actually you is it your your comment that maybe when I was camping, that reminded me of it. I went camping years ago, 10 years ago, up in the boundary waters and and I had to take a poop. And up in the boundary waters, when you're in like the back, like wilderness, the back ah country campsites, they just have a latrine out in the open. And a latrine is basically just a plastic little toilet ah with nothing around it.
00:20:57
Speaker
And sometimes it has a lid and sometimes it's just wide open to the world around it And this one was wide open to the world around it. Uh, no no so no lid to it. It was just sitting there on this uh hill on an island and the island had been blown down a couple years before so there really wasn't a lot of cover on the island either it was like The throne was like right out there in the open I was, you caught me off guard for a second, like the island blew down, but then I realized, okay, the trees on the island just blew down. yeah Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I do miss very key details, so thank you for pointing that out. The trees were all blown down. I'm very simple-minded, easy to to do. so
00:21:40
Speaker
I'll help you out a few if you miss a detail. Don't worry. So anyways, yeah, I'm sitting there and it's west facing and the sun's going down. And I'm just sitting there taking a poop looking at the problem most beautiful settings in in nature, sun setting over this bay right right out in front of me.
00:21:59
Speaker
ah Easily the best poop I ever taken. I don't think it can be matched Is it Cinderella that has like the nature like come when she goes out like the butterflies and birds come around down and yep Just like that it honestly like that made me it made me think of um Like how many poops have I had staring at the the inside walls of a stall in some building? Compared to that where I'm just like pooping in nature looking at everything around me. It's gorgeous. yeah You're talking about like, do you you don't put your cheeks on the actual face of the latrine, right? Am I saying that right, latrine? No, why wouldn't you? You're just hovering there? you did No. No, I don't think I've ever poofed in the latrine. I tried to find one once at a campsite, but I overshot it and then just had to hang my butt over a branch
00:22:53
Speaker
Well, I've done that too, but this one, you know, a latrine, like you, you, it's like a toilet made out of plastic, but it's dug into the ground. Uh, poop, like it's dug into a hole underneath it in the ground. Yeah.
00:23:07
Speaker
Um, I don't have one. I mean, think I think I've had some good nature poops definitely up there on the list for sure. Yours sounds way more majestic than any other shit I've ever taken. But one thing I did kind of when I was young man coming of age and had a little anxiety pooping in public, it's completely gone now. Don't even think twice anymore. I can poop anywhere.
00:23:33
Speaker
with any type of audience in the background, doesn't matter, it'll fall right through. for Foreground? Anywhere, like if they're like, could you poop if I was sitting there staring right in front of you? No. Well, that'd just be way uncomfortable. I'd remove myself from that situation, or I'd remove you from that situation.
00:23:54
Speaker
There was a movie scene I saw one time, I can't remember what movie, but one of the guys was just a huge badass and that's what he did. He just sat there with the door wide open and just like started taking a shit in front of this guy and I think he shot him while he was taking a shit. Wow. The guy that was taking a shit shot the other guy.
00:24:13
Speaker
How do you write that into a movie? I know. I can't think of the circumstances that have to come together for that to happen. But now I'm definitely intrigued to watch that. But what I was saying, so I had to convince myself I was taking adventure poops whenever I had a poop in public. And then I'd kind of make it a game like, oh, like the nearest bathroom's right there. But like, why don't you just walk into that restaurant and take a shit in that busy restaurant?
00:24:42
Speaker
and then I called them adventure poops and I'd mentally cross stuff off the crap map. If I knew I pooped somewhere before, I wouldn't poop there again and try to find a new throne to sit on. That's very funny. Yeah, that's kind of my crap
Exploring the 'Crap Map'
00:24:59
Speaker
journey. If you crossed one off, even if it was like a really fancy place, like if it was a great stall experience, would you keep it on just for the sake of like, I'd love to poop there again?
00:25:10
Speaker
Yeah, I wasn't really strict about my rules. If there was somewhere that was fantastic to take a shit at, I'd for sure leave the door open to go back in and um move some bowels. Good. So to speak. Well, maybe we should. I think that's probably covered enough poop talk here. um
00:25:36
Speaker
Oh my goodness.
Bonding Over Poop Stories
00:25:40
Speaker
I'm feeling sweaty. Wasn't that amazing? Just a bunch of dudes getting together talking about poop and ways to poop and ways to wipe and all these different poop stories. What's your best poop story? What's your shittiest shit story? Oh my gosh!
00:25:57
Speaker
That's what the world needs more of. We need to get people together to talk about their shared interests. And that's what Magnificent does, people. It brings the people together and helps us talk about things we have in common. Incredible. Wow, what an amazing poopisode. I hope you enjoyed all of those highlights of all the shit stories from the first season. We should probably bring that back ah and just talk about poop. I mean, that shit was way more interesting than all the fantasy football stuff we talked about.
00:26:32
Speaker
So I hope you enjoyed it, I know you enjoyed it, and here's your beloved shitty monotone rap to close us out. Well, I'm magnificent, kind of on top of it, sort of crushing through four quarters, not quite right in the border, just an average big shoe, gonna be paid.