Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Painful Sex to Orgasmic: My Journey With Pelvic Pain
196 Plays2 months ago
You’re not broken if sex hurts, and this episode explains why.
In this vulnerable episode of Pleasure Science, sex scholar Nadège shares her personal journey of painful sex and vaginismus, to pleasure, safety, and multiple orgasms.
Get a rare look into how a lack of sex education, silence, and pressure shaped Nadège’s sex life, and how somatic healing, pelvic floor therapy, and communication were the magic tools that healed her life.
Grounded in lived experience and science, this conversation outlines how healing is possible, pleasure is learnable, and your body is wise when given time, safety, and a voice.
*TW for SA
Show Notes:
Pleasure Science Courses - Use pleasuresciencepod at checkout to receive 10% off!
WEB • www.pleasurescience.com
BLOG • Pleasure Science on Medium
@PleasureScience on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube
Episode website: https://www.pleasurescience.com/episode-11-season-2
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Sexual Liberation
00:00:12
Speaker
Welcome back to Pleasure Science, a podcast that makes sexual liberation your new normal by changing how you love and feel loved.
Understanding Painful Sex, Misconceptions, and Impact
00:00:21
Speaker
Today I'm talking about something that most people do not expect to hear from a sex expert.
00:00:30
Speaker
Painful sex used to be a regular part of my life. Say what? And this pain broke my heart because it felt like no matter what I did, my body would not body the way other people's did.
00:00:46
Speaker
And let me explain what I mean by that. So whether I liked it or not, from a very young age, I knew what good sex was supposed to look like.
00:00:58
Speaker
At least I thought I knew. I watched movies where kissing was so electric that it quickly turned into sex, which looked like perfectly choreographed penetration, where skin and soul become one and both lovers orgasm at the same moment 30 seconds later. But when I started having sex, I was 19 years old and it felt nothing like this.
00:01:22
Speaker
I was nervous. I was shy. I'd hardly say a word during sex. And I would just pray that my lover could read my body language for me. I loved kissing, but that never seemed to warm me up enough because even though I would be enthusiastic and eager for penetration, it always hurt and it left my vulva feeling swollen and raw after. I even started calling it poof-gina because it happened so often.
Societal Influences on Sexual Learning
00:01:51
Speaker
but
00:01:52
Speaker
oh And I just didn't understand why sex wasn't working for me because I thought I was doing everything right. I knew what good sex was supposed to look like and I was copying what I knew. so i figured my body must be the problem.
00:02:08
Speaker
But what I didn't know at the time was that this couldn't be further from the truth. You might remember from episode one of this season when I shared that sex is a social behavior.
00:02:20
Speaker
We learn sex the same way we learn a language, by watching others, by mimicking, by listening to how others talk about it. We absorb all this information about sex, but unlike all other social behaviors, like learning a language or table manners, sex is kept private.
00:02:43
Speaker
It's not like you sit down in front of two people and get to watch them have sex and learn and talk about them and it's all right in front of you. But all other social behaviors, you are in the presence of the people you are learning from. You get to ask questions. You get to talk to them.
00:03:02
Speaker
But with sex, you're interpreting everything secondhand. So we are only getting the Cliff Notes version, but without the important details. like how sex is awkward at first and laughing is normal, or that you should communicate about sex a lot and be brave enough to ask for what you want.
00:03:23
Speaker
We never learn that good sex takes time, especially if penetration is on the table. None of the movies I saw growing up ever showed the warm-up, the slowness, the communication that we should expect.
Exploring Sexuality with Curiosity
00:03:39
Speaker
So turns out I was learning about sex from a really bad teacher, and we all were. So today i want to tell you about my sex journey and how I had to overcome the idea that I was doing it all wrong.
00:03:52
Speaker
And it all started with a really great guy who was pretty inexperienced. Let's call him Aviv. Now, this might sound crazy, but by the time I met Aviv, I felt like a late bloomer sexually.
00:04:06
Speaker
i was 19 years old, and all my friends had experienced sex very young, and I was the last one. And by the way all my friends talked about sex, it made me so hungry for action and experience. I just wanted to do it already. but And so I met Aviv through a friend, and he made me feel beautiful and safe and special.
00:04:29
Speaker
And finally, a night arrived when his house would be empty, and I was really excited. i didn't know at the time if I wanted to be Aviv's girlfriend, but I knew I wanted to have sex with him. That night, we fumbled through our bodies with curiosity and excitement and a lot of nervous shyness. I didn't say much.
00:04:49
Speaker
but I was getting frustrated because I was finally experiencing sex in real life, but I wasn't getting as turned on as I did when I would watch a sex scene in the movies. Aviv was sweet and thoughtful, but he didn't know how to touch me, and I didn't know what to do or say because I hardly knew how to touch myself.
00:05:10
Speaker
When I realized he had a boner, I decided we should get right to the quote, good part, end quote. because penetration was the thing I couldn't wait to try.
00:05:21
Speaker
But then we did it and it hurt like hell, and I didn't know why. So I just grinned and bore it and pretended like everything was fine. Obviously, after that, I found myself even more discouraged and frustrated, but I hid it well. I tried sex with Aviv a few more times, but it never got any better. And since I thought I knew what sex was,
00:05:44
Speaker
it never occurred to me to talk to him about it or see if it could
Addressing Sexual Assault and Misunderstandings
00:05:48
Speaker
improve. Looking back now, I actually find it fascinating that it never occurred to me that we, as a couple, were maybe doing it wrong together. Back then, my only reasoning was that something had to be wrong with me, which is why when I had my next sexual experience with a new partner, I became even more confused.
00:06:08
Speaker
Now, disclaimer, this part of the story includes sexual assault. And while I will be mentioning it, I won't be discussing this part in detail because the way that sexual assault impacts your life is big and it's an important topic that warrants its own episode.
00:06:26
Speaker
But it is an important part of my story with pelvic pain. So I'm going to share a little bit about what happened. A year after I stopped seeing Aviv, I met a boy that I'll call Michael.
00:06:38
Speaker
And Michael was charming and fun and I was instantly drawn to him. It was exciting to be around him and we had tons of friends in common. So I started seeing him around all the time.
00:06:51
Speaker
And I hadn't really wanted to have sex with anyone since Aviv, but Michael made me feel alive, like anything was possible. And so I started to think, maybe I should get back on that horse and try sex again with someone new.
00:07:06
Speaker
And one night, my chance arrived. All our friends were hanging out at a bowling alley, and Michael and I kept sneaking off to kiss and talk. And finally, he asked if I wanted to come back to his place and watch a movie together.
00:07:19
Speaker
i didn't need to think twice about it. I said yes. And when we got back to his place, he turned on a movie that we both knew we were not going to watch. ah So we started kissing, but as things got hot and heavy, the energy between us started to change.
00:07:40
Speaker
It wasn't something I understood, but I could feel that something was off. And at a certain point, I got scared and I completely shut down. Michael violated me that night, and the next morning I was so sore that I struggled to walk and even sit in my car on the drive home.
00:08:02
Speaker
I remembered feeling sore after having sex with Aviv, but this was easily 10 times worse. But still, my only reference for sex was pain, so I thought this was normal.
00:08:15
Speaker
And at that time, i didn't know that rape or assault could happen between lovers. I was taught by society and from my friends at the time that sexual assault meant a stranger violated you and that if this happened, you must have done something to deserve it.
00:08:33
Speaker
But with Michael, he wasn't a stranger and I hadn't done anything to deserve his behavior, which is why instead of realizing someone assaulted me, I internalized everything I experienced from both Aviv and Michael and I decided that my body must be broken.
00:08:51
Speaker
This affected how I had sex for the next few years. But before I continue, there's a few important points I want to name here. First, I want to be very clear about something, because people can often assume that painful sex means it was all non-consensual.
00:09:11
Speaker
My first time with Aviv was fully consensual sex with a kind lover who really cared about me. That sexual experience was painful and frustrating because I did not have the tools to talk about sex and ask for what I needed.
00:09:27
Speaker
I didn't have the knowledge to have good sex. Now, my second lover, Michael, was painful and traumatic because it was a violation.
00:09:39
Speaker
And since my only sex education was movies, TV, and gossip, I lumped both experiences together and blamed myself. The result was that painful sex started happening every time I tried penetration and receiving oral sex felt like nothing.
00:09:59
Speaker
It was hard for me to have all that attention on my body.
Vaginismus and Trauma Response
00:10:02
Speaker
And so oral sex only made my body shut down even more. But also, society told me that sex is penetration, and therefore, oral doesn't really count. So I didn't even think to focus on the fact that all pleasure in general wasn't working for me. Instead, i just kept hyper-focusing on penetration.
00:10:22
Speaker
And I learned that I was experiencing something called vaginismus. Now vaginismus is when the muscles around the vulva tighten on their own and it makes penetration painful, sometimes even impossible. Like even when you want sex to happen, it won't work, impossible. Your body will shut down and it will make it painful for anything to slide into you. And it's your body's way of responding to fear or tension, sometimes without you even realizing it.
00:10:55
Speaker
So you can think of vaginismus almost like a drawbridge. It slams shut the second it senses danger, even if there isn't actually danger. Your body is just still trying to protect you.
00:11:09
Speaker
Now, with Aviv, my body was not ready for sex, but i forced myself forward. i had taught my body from my first experience with Aviv that I wouldn't listen to my body when it said no.
00:11:25
Speaker
I tried and tried, forcing and forcing, making my body not trust my own judgment. And then with Michael, I was in a bad situation where I could not protect myself.
00:11:39
Speaker
So between both experiences, my brain was confused and protective, literally closing up the moment penetration was going to happen or shutting down if my lover tried to give me pleasure in any other way, like going down on me.
00:11:55
Speaker
It was a trauma response that came in part from me trying to force my body into action and in part because someone did hurt me. What was even more confusing during those first few years was that I was actively trying to fix the problem.
00:12:13
Speaker
I saw my OBGYN and my primary care doctor about the pain, but neither were able to help me.
Healing Journey and Professional Help
00:12:20
Speaker
It wasn't until I started studying sex almost five years later that I began to get answers.
00:12:27
Speaker
My first huge breakthrough happened in a feminist studies class where we learned about trauma and assault, and I read a personal story of a woman who was violated by her friend. Suddenly, a huge weight got lifted off of my shoulders as I realized the same thing happened to me with Michael.
00:12:45
Speaker
Something inside me clicked, and for the first time, I realized my body needed trauma healing. And so I started seeing a therapist, but that's when I learned another very important fact.
00:13:00
Speaker
Unless a doctor or a therapist has the word sex in front of their title, chances are they have no sex education. This includes your OBGYN, your urologist, and your therapist.
00:13:15
Speaker
I discovered this the hard way because the therapist I was seeing was not qualified to help me process sexual assault and my confusing relationship with pelvic pain.
00:13:26
Speaker
My therapist seemed to think that us talking about my past was enough. And when I asked my OBGYN for help with painful sex, she just told me to use lube. This advice sucked, okay? Lube did not help my vaginismus, and you guys all know I love lube.
00:13:44
Speaker
And even though I was in therapy, I felt like I was shooting in the dark for answers and hardly seeing results. And so this is when I embarked on my own journey and found ways to slowly heal my chronic pelvic pain.
00:13:58
Speaker
First, I started having sex that didn't include penetration. I realized that penetration was the big T trigger, which meant I needed to explore sex without that trigger.
00:14:11
Speaker
And I know I've said it before, but just to make it really clear for you all, sex doesn't have to include penetration to be sex, and your body can orgasm in over 20 ways. Penetration is just one of those 20.
00:14:27
Speaker
Now, another thing that I did to heal myself was I began using my voice way more. Around this time, I started training to be a dominatrix, which taught me how to talk about sex and ask the hard questions I often avoided.
00:14:44
Speaker
Suddenly, i started seeing real results. I started having sex without the unconscious trigger of penetration, and I taught my body how to relax and receive.
00:14:55
Speaker
I could enjoy sex, and I started having orgasms with other people more and more regularly. Little by little, I started reintroducing penetration back into my sex life, whether it was with a penis, a dildo, or fingers, and with or without a partner.
00:15:14
Speaker
I slowly let my body acclimate back into this sex act it used to fear. I also realized that speaking up about sex was life-changing.
00:15:28
Speaker
I was reading a book at the time called The Body Keeps the Score, and this book explains how trauma isn't just stored in your mind. Trauma lives in your body, shaping how you feel, react, and connect until it's safely processed and your trauma is released.
00:15:46
Speaker
Not only does the body keep the score, but your voice also keeps the score. Everything you don't say gets internalized and stored in your body.
00:15:58
Speaker
I experienced this personally. The more I talked about sex with my lovers and advocated for myself, the more free and safe I felt. And the more pleasure I had.
00:16:11
Speaker
These wins gave me the courage to seek out somatic healing. Now, somatic refers to any type of healing that is touch or body based. So you could think of healing that uses movement or breath work or massage to gently release stored trauma.
00:16:29
Speaker
Adding somatic healing to what I was already doing was what really pushed the needle forward for me. And in the end, it did take years of work, trying new things, and really being kind to myself to get to a place where sex started to feel great all the time.
00:16:47
Speaker
And the most important part of my healing journey was my commitment to it. But then a couple of years later, I met a really great guy and stumbled upon a setback that had me spiraling.
00:17:01
Speaker
This guy was super kinky and super fun, but he was very well endowed and all of a sudden sex started hurting again. It wasn't his fault and we tried everything, but the size of his penis made my body tense up and react.
00:17:17
Speaker
My vaginismus came back and I was so angry and heartbroken. Little did I know, i was actually about to have the biggest breakthrough yet. ah I was at dinner with a friend of mine who is a sex therapist, and I was complaining about my painful problem with my big-dicked boyfriend. ah And she asked, well, have you ever seen a pelvic floor therapist?
00:17:44
Speaker
And at this time, i had heard a little bit about pelvic floor therapy, but not much. So I asked her to tell me more. And my friend explained that a pelvic floor therapist is a doctor who helps you heal pelvic pain and reconnect to the muscles in your groin. They work with your body to release tension, improve blood flow, and retrain your nervous system to feel safe during sex.
00:18:08
Speaker
They don't just treat pain. They teach your body how to feel pleasure again. It's like physical therapy, but for your vulva or your penis. Well, after my friend told me this, I immediately went looking for a pelvic floor therapist and I found Dr. Kathy Fry.
00:18:27
Speaker
Within two sessions, my vaginismus was gone in a way it had never been. Just two sessions. This was a huge turning point for me because I now realized I had everything that I needed to enjoy sex and heal no matter what life threw my way.
00:18:48
Speaker
As many of you know, my journey with painful sex and my inability to orgasm was why I became a sex scholar in the first place. Because I knew there had to be more information out there. And once I figured out what worked, I became passionate about sharing it with other people.
Lessons from Healing and Broader Applications
00:19:07
Speaker
I did a lot of work healing myself emotionally, physically, and intellectually. But of all the things that I've learned on my journey with painful sex, this is one of the most important lessons.
00:19:21
Speaker
When your vulva is fully warmed up and ready, you never need to force penetration because your body will naturally suck a penis, dildo, or a finger inside.
00:19:35
Speaker
And this isn't just true for the vulva, it's true for the entire body. Whether it's oral sex and you're trying to take a penis or dildo down your throat, or it's booty play and you're exploring anal,
00:19:48
Speaker
If you have to push and force, your body is just not warmed up enough. But the second your body is ready, you will know because your body will literally be sucking your lover inside of you.
00:20:02
Speaker
And the key to helping your body be warmed up isn't just about touch. It's about communication. Remember, the voice keeps the score.
00:20:13
Speaker
If you want sex to go slower or you want to try something new, say it. If your feelings are hurt, say it. And if something is important to you, say it.
00:20:26
Speaker
Your body will not be open to touch or penetration if you are suppressing your voice. So if sex is hurting or simply not working, it might be about how comfortable and safe you feel, which means you need to communicate more.
00:20:43
Speaker
Or it might be about warming your body up more, doing some more massage and kissing, which again is also solved by communication mixed with touch.
00:20:54
Speaker
And don't underestimate how healing it is to take penetration off the table for a little while. That right there can be a game changer because it takes the pressure off of everyone and makes you have so many opportunities to explore because now you can't revert back to that one thing you always knew how to do.
00:21:15
Speaker
The person with a penis doesn't need an erection to perform if we're not doing penetration, so it can also help you if you're struggling with erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety.
00:21:27
Speaker
Another reason I love taking penetration off the table is for the person who is struggling to receive. They can also relax as you explore other things because the thing that's going to trigger them isn't going to happen during that sexual experience. which shows everyone in general that there is more to sex than penetration, and we can really explore that.
00:21:53
Speaker
Lastly, remember that healing takes time, and that's also okay. It doesn't mean your life is over while you're healing. In fact, some of the best days of your life can happen during your healing journey.
00:22:07
Speaker
It took me 10 years to heal painful sex, but I still experienced tons of fun and love along the way. i trained to be a dominatrix. I dated amazing people. I fell in love with myself. I traveled the world. And now I'm having the best sex of my life.
00:22:26
Speaker
Everyone is unique and everyone has a different physical reality.
Preview of Next Episode and Engagement Encouragement
00:22:30
Speaker
My reality was overcoming pelvic pain, but for others, it's figuring out how to enjoy sex with arthritis or how to reconnect to your libido while undergoing cancer treatment.
00:22:42
Speaker
And that's just a few examples because there are as many examples as there are people in the world. Everyone is working with a different physical reality, which is why next week we're diving even deeper into this topic.
00:22:56
Speaker
This episode has been all about my experiences with painful sex and obstacles that I encountered as an able-bodied person. But people who are often left out of this conversation are people with disabilities.
00:23:10
Speaker
So join us next week when we will be talking with Andrew Gerza about how everything you've heard about sex and disability is wrong. Andrew proudly identifies as disabled, and he is the author of Queer Cripple, How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy and Be Hot While Doing It.
00:23:31
Speaker
It's a really good book, by the way. Everyone go get it. Now, Andrew is an award-winning disability awareness consultant, and he is the creator of the viral hashtag, Disabled People Are Hot.
00:23:43
Speaker
I can't wait for you to hear this conversation and see how quickly it changes the way you understand your body and everybody else's. So be sure to join us next week. And in the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science. And if this episode taught you something new or made you feel more empowered, subscribe and leave a review.
00:24:07
Speaker
Now more than ever, it is important to support sex education. And I know you believe in the mission of this podcast, which is making sexual liberation your new normal in a world that profits off of shame. So please take a moment to leave a rating or a review. And if you're currently hanging out with me on YouTube, leave a comment letting me know something you've overcome. I'll be reading your comments live on Instagram, and I can't wait for you to share your story and make someone smile.
00:24:38
Speaker
And finally, if this episode resonated with you, then the next step on your journey is voicing your desires. Talking about sex protects what you love most. And when you know how to ask for what you want and share boundaries without offending your lover, intimacy stops feeling like guesswork and it starts feeling natural.
00:25:00
Speaker
Voice Your Desires is my guided video journey that shows you how to talk about sex so you can protect what you love most without the miscommunications.
00:25:11
Speaker
Start voicing your desires right now by clicking on the link in the show notes or by going to pleasure science dot com. And remember to use the code pleasure science pod at checkout to get 10 percent off.
Closing Remarks and Credits
00:25:25
Speaker
Thank you for joining us this week. And before you go, just a quick reminder for you to experience pleasure in the next 24 hours, whether that's hanging out with cats at a cat cafe or ordering your favorite dessert just for the hell of it.
00:25:40
Speaker
Go do something yummy for yourself. You deserve a reward for all the things you do. I'll see you next week.
00:25:51
Speaker
This podcast is a pleasure science production hosted by me, Nadej, your resident sex scholar. The pleasure science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Cullot.
00:26:06
Speaker
Our music is by Octasound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license. To find out more about pleasure science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.
00:26:21
Speaker
you