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How to Trust Love & Sex with the Neuroscience of Hope (Even If You Expect the Worst)
235 Plays21 days ago
The way you “hope” for love is quietly shaping your entire reality.
In this season finale, sex scholar Nadège breaks down the secret reason why you aren’t getting what you want.
It’s the difference between a life shaped by fear and a life shaped by aligned action.
You’ll learn a hack that weaves neuroscience, hope, and psychology to overcome all the fear and shame holding you back from receiving pleasure and giving love.
It’s time to learn exactly how to get over your fears so you can finally take the steps you are avoiding.
By the end of this episode, you’ll have the blueprint that shows you how to stop expecting the worst, how to trust yourself again, and how to create the love life you actually want.
Let’s raise your standards for what’s possible on the season two finale of Pleasure Science!
Show Notes
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Transcript
Introduction and Season Finale Announcement
00:00:00
Speaker
Music
00:00:12
Speaker
Welcome back to Pleasure Science, a podcast that makes sexual liberation your new normal by changing the way you love and feel loved. And today is a very special episode. And that's not just because it's the season finale of season two.
Mental Health and Creativity Breaks
00:00:29
Speaker
Today, I am breaking down a life lesson that has helped me trust in my love life no matter what gets thrown my way. this life lesson has been showing up in episodes throughout the entire season and once you understand it you're gonna see life really differently in a really beautiful way And if you've been listening to the podcast week after week this season, you may notice that this episode today is coming at you a little late. ah
00:01:01
Speaker
And the truth is i needed time to rest, to take a break. And I wanted to acknowledge this as just a reminder that it is okay for you to take breaks.
Life Lessons on Sex and Cultural Conflicts
00:01:14
Speaker
for you to rest. It's okay to miss a deadline because rest and rest time actually makes you happier, healthier, more creative, and more open to pleasure. So on that note,
00:01:30
Speaker
Let's dive into this big life lesson because once you understand it, you will change the way you think about sex and the way you think about life. So first, in order to really understand this life lesson, we need to take a step back for context so we can really see how this life lesson works in real time.
00:01:54
Speaker
So, to take a step back, now more than ever, we are bombarded with culture wars that center around sex. Take abortion, for example.
00:02:06
Speaker
This is a hot topic that is heavily debated, especially in the United States where I live. And sometimes it feels like my country will always be split fifty fifty on this issue. But here's a really interesting statistic.
00:02:23
Speaker
It turns out that the majority of Americans, 81%, to be exact, don't want abortion regulated by law. Now, this does not mean that 81% of Americans are pro-choice, but it does mean that the majority of Americans, 81%, believe abortion should remain a private matter between a patient and their doctor and not a matter of criminal law.
00:02:53
Speaker
Because remember, abortions, miscarriages, and many other parts of reproductive health become a crime in the pro-life movement.
00:03:05
Speaker
And I'm dead serious about this. Since Roe versus Wade was overturned, over 400 American women have been arrested for having a miscarriage.
00:03:18
Speaker
But here's another statistic for you. Did you know that 99% of women who have had an abortion don't regret it?
Social Media's Role in Cultural Wars
00:03:27
Speaker
Now, obviously you can read between the lines and you see what side of the argument I am fighting for at the dinner table during my family holiday parties.
00:03:37
Speaker
But in all seriousness, I bring this up because I want to show you how these cultural wars, especially anything close to sex, can cause huge tension between lovers, between friends, between family members. And to top it all off, you and I have been conditioned through all of the social media echo chambers that validate our opinions to become more attached to the argument than the person you love who is standing right in front of you.
Technology's Impact on Intimacy
00:04:12
Speaker
Again, take abortion, for example. It might seem like my entire country is split 50-50 on this issue, when actually most of us can agree that the choice should at least remain between a patient and their doctor and not be criminalized by the law.
00:04:33
Speaker
But since most people do not have the tools to navigate these passionate conversations with different opinions, where we, instead of connecting, start competing with each other, because we don't have the tools, we rarely get the chance to see how we might have common ground with someone we love who thinks differently than us.
00:04:56
Speaker
And we aren't just dragged into these intense cultural wars about abortion.
Sexuality, Well-being, and Mind Control
00:05:03
Speaker
Chances are you and someone you love have discussed deep fake porn or the Epstein files or how artificial intelligence is affecting intimacy. That literally came up at a dinner party I was at last night. Everyone was talking about AI and people falling in love with ai And my point is, is even if you tried to avoid it, these hot button issues will seep into your personal life. They activate your hidden triggers like ticking time bombs, and they create resentments and miscommunications. And this has a huge effect on your feeling of safety, your libido, and your confidence.
00:05:48
Speaker
Another example, I remember when the Me Too movement began in 2017, and a lot of people I know stopped wanting sex. Women, men, and non-binary people. All these people that I spoke to told me that they felt disturbed every time they turned on the news. And as a result, many of them stopped desiring sex with their partner.
00:06:14
Speaker
And even though all of these people were fully supportive of the Me Too movement, and they were glad that society was paying attention to these stories, they all stopped wanting sex, sometimes even developing an aversion to sex because of the stories that they were hearing on the news or on social media.
00:06:36
Speaker
The way sex and politics is discussed in our culture can literally affect your nervous system, your libido, and your relationships, which makes the connection you have to your sexuality revolutionary.
00:06:54
Speaker
Pleasure rejuvenates you. And I'm not just talking about sex because it's okay to not want sex. I'm talking about being open to the pleasures that make your life worth living.
00:07:09
Speaker
Things like laughter, relationships where you feel seen, bubble baths, delicious food. Sexuality is more than just sex and libido.
00:07:22
Speaker
following your pleasure creates unshakable self-generated authentic confidence and your sexuality is the doorway to your inner state of power and creativity now more than ever it's important you honor that power in yourself Not just because pleasure rejuvenates you so you can live a good life and fight for what you believe in, but because pleasure can also be weaponized against you.
00:07:53
Speaker
Remember, the first step to controlling someone is controlling their love life, telling you who you should love and how you should have sex is a form of mind control pushing you to assimilate or be ostracized and humiliated and when you are shamed about sex it is a deeply personal violation In moments of sexual shame, we have to abandon ourselves in order to survive.
00:08:25
Speaker
And this shame takes away your free will and teaches you to doubt your inner knowing. This means that anytime you honor your sexuality, you are reclaiming your life, your body, and your mind.
00:08:42
Speaker
Because you are reminding yourself that you decide what you like and how you get to live and who you get to love. And each time you decide that your sexuality is a valuable part of who you are, you are protecting your free will and honoring your inner power.
Mindset Shift and Positive Hope
00:09:03
Speaker
Which brings me to this big life lesson that I want to share. This is a mindset shift that has doubled my confidence and continues to allow me to create the most incredible relationships in sex and in love.
00:09:18
Speaker
And this life lesson is that hope is one of your most powerful tools for personal growth, but there is one big rule that you must understand.
00:09:31
Speaker
You must know the difference between positive hope and fear-based hope. And when you know the difference between these two, you reclaim your sexuality and your love life in ways that will blow your mind.
00:09:47
Speaker
Let's begin by unpacking the definition of hope. When you look up hope in the dictionary, you'll see things like hope is an optimistic state of mind caused by the expectation of positive outcomes.
00:10:01
Speaker
For example, you can think of a woman who hopes to get a promotion because of all her hard work. Another definition reads that hope is only a feeling of expectation, meaning that hope can be a good thing or a bad thing.
00:10:18
Speaker
For example, someone who has had three bad dates in a row and hopes the next one doesn't suck too. In this example, hope is a feeling of expectation, but what you're expecting is another bad date.
00:10:34
Speaker
no matter what definition you find, you see that hope is defined by your expectations. But these expectations can be positive or based in fear.
00:10:47
Speaker
So here are some more examples of positive hope. I hope for a healthy pregnancy. Or I hope my team scores big tonight.
00:10:58
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Or i hope to laugh and feel alive on my date. And here are some examples of fear-based hope. I hope my wife never cheats on me.
00:11:11
Speaker
I hope I'm not hired by another lousy boss. I hope I don't end up alone. Notice the difference in expectations.
00:11:22
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Those last examples show how fear is hijacking hope, essentially using the power of hope against you because hope is all about expectation.
00:11:34
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And the patterns you focus on will be the patterns you hope to expect in your life.
Fear-based vs Positive Hope in Sexuality
00:11:41
Speaker
but here's the thing having fear-based hopes about sex is not your fault when it comes to sex and your body society trained you to expect shame humiliation rejection anxiety all of these big bad emotions And even though you also learned that you could find orgasmic bliss and soulmate love through sex, this shame and fear around sex has been following us around for thousands of years.
00:12:20
Speaker
So hope is a powerful tool, but because we live in a sex-shaming culture, most people's hope for their sex life is based in fear.
00:12:32
Speaker
And where your attention goes, energy flows. And this is how so many wonderful, cool people manifest bad sex and painful love.
00:12:44
Speaker
We also live in a world that's oppressive. Yay! That means that a lot of people's fears are based in real experiences and are valid.
00:12:57
Speaker
For example, a black woman in North America is three times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes than a white woman like me. That data comes directly from CDC reports in the United States.
00:13:12
Speaker
So if a black woman tells me that she hopes her doctor takes her seriously this time, that's probably a valid concern. And I'm not going to tell her to change how she talks and daydream happy thoughts because that is called spiritual bypassing.
00:13:30
Speaker
spiritual bypassing is when someone uses a spiritual idea to avoid dealing with real emotional pain conflict or responsibility and the truth is sometimes your concerns and fears are valid and you should stand up for yourself and you should have a low tolerance for injustice This exercise in hope is not about ignoring oppression or pretending that pain doesn't exist.
00:14:02
Speaker
This is about developing the tools to live a happy life in a world that is unfair and painful. Hope is a tool that can help you find a light forward in a dark world, which reminds me of what Javay, the millennial sexpert, and I discussed about kink and BDSM in episode six.
00:14:25
Speaker
Playing with power heals you. and in a world that is oppressive, we have all either felt controlled or powerless or manipulated. And these feelings create deep wounds in us all, which is why BDSM is a way that you can step into your power and heal through fantasy.
00:14:48
Speaker
Now, what's fascinating is hope. can actually be used in a similar way, with or without the whips or chains. ah Now, much like Javay and I discussed, you always have access to your personal power and BDSM can help you find it.
Neuroscience of Hope and Future Visioning
00:15:09
Speaker
Even when society does everything in its power to make you feel weak hope just like bdsm are tools that tap you into your personal power and hope as a tool is gentle and effective and when you use hope as a tool to expect the best positive outcome you tap into a method of future visioning that creates very positive results
00:15:42
Speaker
So how do we use hope as a tool? Well, first, we need to understand the neuroscience and psychology of what hope actually is.
00:15:56
Speaker
Psychologists believe that hope is not actually an emotion, but an emotional state of future-oriented cognition.
00:16:06
Speaker
Now, that is a lot of fancy words to basically say this. Hope shifts you into a different mental state where you are daydreaming of the future with your feelings.
00:16:22
Speaker
And the neuroscience of this is wild. When you enter into a hopeful state of mind, your brain isn't powering down, it's switching orchestras. instead of focusing on the outside world your brain turns inward and activates something called the default mode network this network lights up when you are drifting through memory imagination or self-reflection the default mode network includes parts of your brain like the medial prefrontal cortex, which is the part involved in thinking about yourself. It also includes the posterior cingulate cortex, which is linked to memory and meaning. And it includes the hippocampus, which helps you build scenes from memory.
00:17:17
Speaker
So when you feel hopeful, these parts of the brain collaborate to do something remarkable. Your brain starts simulating possible futures.
00:17:30
Speaker
Basically, what I'm saying is hope is your brain's manifesting generator built from your thoughts, your beliefs, and your imagination. But hope also has feelings inside of it. And that is why hope is a cognitive emotional state as well as a future visioning state. And hope only occurs when you think and feel into the future.
00:18:00
Speaker
This is extremely powerful because when you use your ability to imagine your future with positive outcomes, you can manifest your dreams and most importantly, you can take aligned action. Aligned action, for anyone not familiar with this term, are action steps that align with your sole purpose and highest potential.
00:18:25
Speaker
When you take aligned action, you manifest your dream life quicker and you suffer less. When you take action steps that are not aligned, you get there slower and you suffer more. Here's an easy example to understand aligned action steps.
00:18:45
Speaker
If you want to learn to drive, some aligned action steps are to find someone who will teach you and let you practice driving their car. Meanwhile, a random action step would be daydreaming about the car you want to buy and then making a Pinterest board about the car you want to buy and talking about the car you want to buy. And maybe you even think of getting a loan for this car that you want to drive.
00:19:11
Speaker
But the problem is you don't even know how to drive yet. And I know some of you listening are seeing yourself and the person with the Pinterest board daydreaming about buying a car that they can't even drive. Because that is the thing. Some action steps make you feel good, but they don't produce results. Like making a Pinterest board about a car you love without learning to drive. And other action steps create momentum, but they still won't take you forward in the right direction, like getting a loan for a car before you learn how to drive a car.
00:19:49
Speaker
Now you'll be paying money every month for something you don't even know how to use. But an aligned action step gets you to your end goal faster and with less suffering, like learning how to drive a car while also making a Pinterest board and then buying your dream car once you know how to drive it.
Hope as a Guide for Personal Growth
00:20:13
Speaker
Aligned action steps will get you to your goal quicker and make you suffer less, but that doesn't mean that aligned action steps aren't going to be hard work or that you're going to avoid difficult learning lessons or moments. For example, you can again take the aligned action to learn to drive and buy a car, but you might still fail your driver's test the first few times.
00:20:40
Speaker
Even when an obstacle arises, as long as you're taking aligned action, you still will always get to your goal in the quickest and safest way possible.
00:20:52
Speaker
And one life hack that helps you spot aligned action steps from random action steps is tapping into hope for the most positive, highest aligned outcome.
00:21:06
Speaker
this positive hope comes from your innermost dreams it's that yummy feeling of intuition and imagination that pulls you forward hoping for a better tomorrow and inspiring you to create the life you want positive hope is a compass pointing you towards your potential it reminds you what you want to explore in life and in sex And with time, it can help you find the life that you are meant to live.
00:21:41
Speaker
Because the things that give you positive hope are like little love letters from your soul, reminding you what your version of happiness feels like.
00:21:53
Speaker
Now, it's easy to take aligned action if you know what you want, like the person who knows that they want to drive a car. But what if you don't know what you want from your life?
00:22:03
Speaker
And what if you don't know what you want from sex? This makes it easy for fear-based hope to guide the way because fear at its core is just uncertainty. And uncertainty either comes from ignorance or the unknown.
00:22:22
Speaker
you either don't have all the information and are feeling uncertain due to that or you can't predict when a past pain is going to repeat itself you're entering into unknown territory and either way whether it's ignorance or the unknown you don't know enough to trust yourself or the situation you're uncertain and that uncertainty is the core root of the fear that you are feeling for example a lot of my clients when they first see me they all tell me the same thing when i ask them what do you want from sex or what do you want from love they'll tell me i don't know what i want i just know what i don't want
00:23:09
Speaker
Instantly, i can see that fear-based hope is running their love life. But here is a little hack that makes sure fear isn't controlling your choices.
00:23:20
Speaker
Identify what you're uncertain about and turn that ignorance into knowledge and experience. Basically, the moment you feel fear about sex or love or life...
00:23:37
Speaker
it's time to explore remember what susan bratton said in episode 10 about sex and aging that people in their 50s 60s 80s and yes even ninety s are enjoying hot sex and this is because your age does not stop you from having an appetite for growth This mindset, one of a student or an explorer, is what empowers you to overcome fear and uncertainty through action and learning.
Overcoming Relationship Fears
00:24:14
Speaker
And so remember this little hack to make sure fear is not blocking your potential. The second you feel fear, ask yourself what you are uncertain about and turn your uncertainty into knowledge and new experiences by identifying exactly what you don't know, finding the books, the teachings, the mentors who will educate you,
00:24:42
Speaker
and then take what you learned and go into the real world for practice and do this practicing that knowledge in the real world until you have embodied your knowledge into a new state of being and here's what i mean by that for example let's look at one of my clients One of my clients is a very successful man who struggles to talk to women, and he has struggled with this for his entire life.
00:25:11
Speaker
At the age of 59, he was still afraid of approaching or even becoming friends with women because he feared that they would all inevitably find him boring and ugly and secretly wish to get away from him.
00:25:26
Speaker
And so we identified that the roots of his fear were two big uncertainties. First, he was uncertain about women in general because he had very little experience with women, so he didn't understand them.
00:25:42
Speaker
And second, he was also uncertain about his ability to be charming. He thought that you either have charisma or you don't, and if you don't have charisma, you're shit out a luck.
00:25:54
Speaker
So to become more certain, I decided to begin by teaching my client the science of charisma. It turns out charisma is actually a formula and it is a mixture of being both warm and competent at the same time.
00:26:12
Speaker
Charisma is not a talent that you are innately born with, but a skill that anybody can develop. I also educated my client about relationships and women, letting him know that the majority of women actually find kindness and reliability way more attractive than physical strength, charm, or looks. So his internal dialogue about women casting him aside was just his mean inner critic and not the truth.
00:26:46
Speaker
I also taught my client relationship skills like flirting and nonviolent communication. so that way he knew how to handle miscommunications or disagreements if they came up.
00:26:58
Speaker
And guess what? With all of this knowledge, within two weeks, my client felt confident enough to start approaching women after almost 60 years of never doing that. ah And this is because knowledge is the essential first step to building certainty and confidence.
00:27:19
Speaker
However, having knowledge is nothing without practice. So I supported my client as he went on dates and attended matchmaking events, and he got to practice over and over talking to women and embodying everything he learned about charisma, flirtation, and communication. And this embodiment phase these is the part of healing inner fears that most people actually try to skip.
00:27:51
Speaker
It's easy to learn and read books, but it's scary to put yourself out of your comfort zone and do the damn thing. But guess what? My client did do the damn thing. And he discovered something beautiful. When you embody a new reality in your actions and practice, you eventually become what you embody.
00:28:16
Speaker
So guess what? In less than a year, my client went from always being single and sexless and insecure to confidently going on dates and meeting a woman that he is now living with.
00:28:30
Speaker
And his brother had even told him that after working together, it seemed like he was a whole new man because he was so self-assured. This is the power of identifying the fears that are hijacking your hope and your free will.
00:28:48
Speaker
You will unblock your potential and stop becoming attached to stories that make you a victim so you can embody a new way of living.
00:29:00
Speaker
So now that we understand hope and how to overcome uncertainty, the question becomes, how do you spot positive hope and how do you use it?
00:29:11
Speaker
Now, in order to understand this, I want to return to the dictionary definitions of hope that I spoke about earlier. No matter where you look, hope is defined by a feeling of trust because hope only occurs when you expect or trust in a specific outcome.
00:29:32
Speaker
The key is learning how to trust that something good can happen even when life is always showing us how many bad things can happen.
00:29:43
Speaker
And trust is also an essential ingredient to good sex. Remember my live sex coaching session with Stephanie in episode eight.
00:29:54
Speaker
Stephanie's relationship with her fiance has a strong foundation of trust, but as Steph is healing her relationship to her libido, she's realizing she needs to develop trust with her body.
00:30:08
Speaker
It's not enough that she has an amazing lover that she trusts. The first person that you must trust is yourself. Hope operates in the same way.
00:30:21
Speaker
When you trust in yourself, whether it's in your cleverness or your resilience or your strength, you can bet on a positive outcome because you trust yourself to land on your feet, even when everything you can't control tries to knock you down.
00:30:40
Speaker
This is the cheat code of the future visioning state of positive hope. When you expect positive outcomes and you expect yourself to be resilient, you change the thoughts and beliefs you have, which changes the actions you take. And when you change the actions you take, you change your reality.
00:31:05
Speaker
So let's talk about developing positive hope through trust. First, I want you to remember that life is all about balance.
00:31:16
Speaker
Life is always going to be 50% good and 50% bad.
Transforming Fear-based Hope in Relationships
00:31:21
Speaker
So whatever rejections, rainy days, or downright terrible moments that life throws your way, just as much happiness and love will come to balance it out.
00:31:34
Speaker
So your first step to trust in your life is to constantly remind your brain that life is also 50% fifty percent good In fact, I want you to ask yourself every morning for the next seven days, how would my life change if I woke up today and focused on all the ways my life is 50% good? Think back to episode seven from this season when I talked about the big five sex struggles i see with every client.
00:32:07
Speaker
In that episode, I spent a lot of time explaining why sexless relationships happen, and I told you what mistakes to avoid and how to find sexual connection again.
00:32:20
Speaker
Well, the process I discuss in that episode is hope and trust in action, and it shows us the difference between positive hope and fear-based hope.
00:32:34
Speaker
Every couple hopes that their sex life won't fade. But this is a fear-based hope. It's poison because you begin to fantasize about what you don't want, which can easily mean you manifest exactly what you don't want.
00:32:51
Speaker
Because remember, where your attention goes, energy flows. and in episode seven i remove this fear and uncertainty by explaining to you why sexless relationships happen and what to do about it so even if you are currently struggling with sex in your relationship this information gives you positive hope that you and your lover won't must stay stuck in a sexless relationship because I give you the information that clears your uncertainty and a six-step roadmap to follow so that you can take action and embody a new reality both internally and externally.
Positive Self-talk and Emotional Maturity
00:33:36
Speaker
Remember, if hope feels like fear, this is often coming from uncertainty and ignorance. You don't know what you don't know, and that's creating an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach.
00:33:50
Speaker
The way to trust in a positive outcome is to have information and use that information to take action steps that you can trust because knowledge creates trust.
00:34:04
Speaker
even when we can't predict the future. Which leads me to another hack that creates positive outcomes for your sex life and your relationships, and that is communication.
00:34:18
Speaker
Good relationships are not about never having issues, and good sex is not about never struggling. It's about having the tools to handle the struggles without breaking apart.
00:34:33
Speaker
And communication is your most powerful tool, and it's more important than ever because you can rebuild trust, rekindle love, and improve your sex life quicker with communication than any other tool or technique.
00:34:51
Speaker
In episode four this season, I talked with Kenya K. Stevens all about sexual communication because Kenya and I have both worked with thousands of couples over the years.
00:35:03
Speaker
And we talked about the struggles we both see in our private practices when we're talking to these couples who've been married for a long time. And one of the things we often see is how many couples are suffering silently over long periods of time, creating patterns that make you and your lover literally hide from each other through all of the things that you are not saying.
00:35:29
Speaker
resentments start running too deep, and the things you admire in each other are forgotten. Suddenly, it's impossible to see eye to eye on certain issues, especially sex, and by the time you speak up or seek help, it can feel like the end is fast approaching because when you are struggling for too long, you lose hope in your future.
00:35:54
Speaker
And when hope feels lost, communication is your strongest tool. Go back and listen to the episode with Kenya to refresh yourself on all the communication techniques that we went over. But I also want to challenge you to be very careful with the words you speak to yourself from now on.
00:36:17
Speaker
Communication doesn't begin with your lover, but with the words you say to yourself. These words are just as important because studies show that you will have sex at the level of your emotional development, and you will also form relationships at the level of your emotional development.
00:36:39
Speaker
The words you speak to yourself are a direct reflection of your emotional maturity and development. These words have the ability to uplift you and heal you, but they can also cut you down and control your choices.
00:36:55
Speaker
And you do this all to yourself with your words.
Visualization and Positive Examples
00:37:01
Speaker
So how are you using your words? Many of us have an inner critic, a judgmental voice that can get especially loud in moments of sexual desire or romance.
00:37:16
Speaker
But here's some fascinating pleasure science about hope. Hope is one of the few things that is just as strong with images as with words. When your inner critic runs wild with negative self-talk, say stop in your mind to that judgmental voice and imagine the things that bring you hope.
00:37:39
Speaker
This is a psychological technique called pattern interruption. i teach it to my clients who struggle with negative self-talk because the way you talk to yourself is a pattern.
00:37:52
Speaker
And if you have a habit of bringing yourself down, you can interrupt this pattern with images of hope. hope is by its very design a positive and expansive feeling and sometimes it's easier to access hope from our imagination than our words because when humans start attaching words to this feeling of hope something interesting happens we usually drag our hopes and dreams down into the limitations of our reality a reality that is based in lack and fear for example i hope to get married someday can point out what you lack you're admitting you don't have what you want
00:38:45
Speaker
Then there are fear-based hopes, like, I hope I don't end up in a sexless marriage. And we already explained how this phrase focuses your hope and attention on what you don't want.
00:38:58
Speaker
My point is, sometimes using your imagination instead of your words can connect you to positive hope more effectively. A perfect example is a dream board where you cut out inspirational photos and quotes and make a collage of your dream life one year from now.
00:39:18
Speaker
Dream boards are an extremely effective way to keep a person on track towards a specific goal because they are essentially a manifestation of positive hope.
00:39:30
Speaker
This doesn't give your brain the opportunity to attach limitations, rules, or lack to it because there are no words, just images. And starting now, I want you to become a student of positive hope.
00:39:47
Speaker
I want you to go hunting for knowledge and images that give you hope. Just the way an artist finds muse, I want you to find proof of what is possible for your life.
00:39:59
Speaker
For example, when I have a client who is struggling to love her beautiful curvy body, i tell her to go find all the social media influencers with a body like hers because there are thousands of curvy, sexy, confident fashionistas all over the world.
00:40:17
Speaker
And when I meet a couple who wants to explore non-monogamy, but they live in a conservative small town, I tell them to watch movies and read love stories about open relationships with happy endings so they can show their brain images of what's possible to counteract all the negative stories we might hear about open relations relationships or polyamory, like, oh, that's evil or greedy or all open relationships are unsuccessful. Right? Remember the BDSM episode about Wonder Woman that proved that wrong earlier this season?
00:40:51
Speaker
Your brain is a supercomputer and society trains your brain to be insecure and afraid. So it is your job to retrain that supercomputer that is your brain to feel secure and expect positive outcomes.
00:41:09
Speaker
Again, not in a way that ignores how painful and oppressive society can be, but in a way that reminds your brain that life is also 50% good and life can change dramatically when we focus on that 50% of goodness.
00:41:29
Speaker
And as I mentioned, it helps to trust in life's goodness when we feed our brain with images, movies, and stories that give us positive hope and happy endings.
00:41:43
Speaker
I always say, if you want more love, seek more life. Well, if you want more trust, you need to seek out proof that life is also good and prosperous.
Hope in Personal and Societal Change
00:41:58
Speaker
That way, when your inner critic runs wild with negative self-talk, you can say stop to that judgmental voice and imagine things you can trust that brings you a sense of positive hope.
00:42:14
Speaker
Remember, your brain is wired to daydream and simulate the future. But society conditioned your brain to do this through fear-based hope, and it takes time to perfect this practice of reversing that and stop focusing on all the things you don't want to happen, especially when it comes to sex. Because if we lived in a world where you were taught from the time you were a child that sex is about pleasure, it would make it normal and neutral when someone says, no thank you, or I'm not turned on by that during sex.
00:42:54
Speaker
The word no stops feeling personal. And if sex is always about pleasure, then it would be a relief to have a lover confident enough to tell you, hey, i don't like that. Can you touch me like this instead? Rather than having that feeling of fear or dread or rejection wash over us every time we hear sexual feedback.
00:43:17
Speaker
And when I talk to people, whether they are clients or people who come to my events, We all want a positive future to look forward to in our sex life and in our love life, which means it is your responsibility to be intentional with your thoughts so you can live your best life.
00:43:37
Speaker
I'll never forget reading an essay that Octavia Butler wrote about the future of human civilization. And Octavia Butler, for anyone who isn't familiar, is a scholar and award-winning novelist. She studied philosophy, history, politics, and Afrofuturity, writing some of the most famous books of the last century.
00:44:01
Speaker
And when she was asked about the future of humanity and all the giant, overwhelming problems in the world, Octavia said, there isn't just one solution to fix the future.
00:44:14
Speaker
There are thousands of solutions, and you can be one of those thousand. When you learn how to use hope to expect a positive outcome, you do become one of those thousand.
00:44:29
Speaker
You change the thoughts that you think. You transform the feelings you feel. And the actions you take become aligned and effective.
00:44:41
Speaker
You have better sex. You make more money. You are more creative. You become a happier and healthier person and influence the people around you in a positive way.
00:44:56
Speaker
This life-changing happiness does not come from the power of positive thinking. It comes from the power of having a goal, like improving your sex life and falling in love, and combining that knowledge with action to get there.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:45:13
Speaker
This technique about hope, while it is a way to think positive, most importantly, it is a way to spot and take aligned action because the difference between people who have what they want and people who don't is usually the actions we are taking or not taking.
00:45:35
Speaker
And remember, I'm not telling you to just have hope and you'll have more money and you'll have better sex. again this whole technique is not about positive thinking as much as i'm giving you a technique to develop trust to develop resilience so you can educate yourself and practice what you you learn by taking action and this combination of activity knowledge and learned knowledge is what gets you to reach your potential
00:46:07
Speaker
It's when you decide to use the tools at your disposal to overcome obstacles and live a better life. And when you do this, you make the world a better place.
00:46:21
Speaker
And that right there is my hope for the future. I hope that you feel intelligent and empowered and happy. i hope you feel that in your sex life and in your everyday life.
00:46:34
Speaker
And that is the future visioning state that I live into every single day. So thank you for being with us for another season of Pleasure Science. Fun fact, we actually hit the top 1% of podcasts this season. So from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everybody for listening because you give me hope in a better future.
00:46:59
Speaker
And until then, I cannot wait to see you all next season in season three. But as we take our beautiful break, come and say hi to me on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science. I would love to hear what episodes made you think this season. And I'd also love to know what topics about sex relationships, sex history that you would like me to explain in future episodes. So please slide on into my DMs and let me know. but and if you're watching this episode on YouTube, leave me a comment and let me know what was your favorite moment from this season.
00:47:39
Speaker
For me, my favorite moment was going over digital intimacy in episode three and explaining to you how sexual intimacy has changed and evolved since the creation of cell phones.
00:47:52
Speaker
So I want to know what episode made you think. Leave a comment and let me know what you loved and let me know what topics you would like for me to discuss next season. And if this episode resonated with you and you learned something new, please send this to a friend or a lover because they can also benefit from this knowledge as well.
00:48:14
Speaker
And of course, all of you get a very special gift for listening to the Pleasure Science Podcast. And today, this gift is all about flirting.
00:48:25
Speaker
Everybody thinks that they can't flirt, but that's because you do not know your flirt style. And your flirt style is your flirting superpower. It shows you who you are most compatible with, what social settings actually make you shine, and how to master dirty talk. And so I teach you every single part of flirtation, including Dirty Talk, in my guided video series, The Art of Flirtation. And listeners of the Pleasure Science podcast get 10% off The Art of Flirtation using the code PLEASURESCIENCEPOD. So go to pleasurescience.com slash flirt and to take my free quiz that will show you your flirt style and join the art of flirtation to learn how to use your flirt style. And remember to use the code pleasure science pod at checkout when you enroll in the art of flirtation 10% off.
00:49:26
Speaker
And thank you all again for joining me this season on Pleasure Science. It is the joy of my life to help you fall in love with your sex life and to help you create the relationships that make life worth living. And I hope you enjoyed all the fun topics we went over this season, like the kinky history of Wonder Woman or the reason why porn is actually healthy for you or that crash course in sex and disability that we went over with Andrew Gerza.
00:49:58
Speaker
I can't wait to hear what you loved and what you learned from this season. So please leave a comment and let me know. Farewell for now. And remember, if knowledge is power, then sexual knowledge is empowering.
00:50:14
Speaker
I'll see you next season.
00:50:20
Speaker
This podcast is a Pleasure Science production, hosted by me, Nadej, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Cullot.
00:50:34
Speaker
Our music is by Octasound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license. To find out more about Pleasure Science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.