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The Blending
366 Plays3 years ago
The Blending
Often the most poignant pictures of grace are those that are present against the odds, the whole shining brighter than the wary and cautious shadows that sometimes color the individual parts. Blended families are such a grace, a beautiful picture of hope and new beginnings even with the realities of the past ever present. But as you would expect, or perhaps have experienced, the challenges of merging lives together is not a simple nor predictable path.
This week, we talked with Mike and Kim, coaches who specialize in helping struggling yet motivated couples navigate the complexities of blended or step-families, helping them gain clarity about the issues and lead their homes confidently using practical strategies so that they can experience greater connection and peace. We’ll learn about Mike and Kim’s own personal journey with a blended family and how they navigated what it looks like to love, parent, and grow in unity even when they don’t always agree. Plus, the importance of marriage to your financial well-being and how the strategies to successfully navigate blended family life aren’t all that different from those used for any family, which means everyone can benefit from this conversation!
You can find out more about Mike and Kim by visiting mikeandkimcoaching.com. You can also check out their podcast, The Blended Family Coaching Show, on iTunes or any other fine purveyor of podcasts you may use.
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Transcript
Introduction to Uncommon Life Project
00:00:02
Speaker
Everyone dreams about living an uncommon life, but how we define that dream is very different for each of us. And for most, it's a lifelong pursuit. Welcome to the Uncommon Life Project podcast. We're going to introduce you to people who are living that life or enjoying the journey to get there. We're going to also give you some tools, tricks, and tips for starting or accelerating your own efforts to live an uncommon life.
00:00:27
Speaker
A life worth celebrating and savoring. Please welcome your hosts, Brian Dewhurst and Philip Ramsey.
00:00:36
Speaker
Hello and welcome everybody to another episode of the Uncommon Life Project where I am your host, Philip Ramsey. And I am Brian Dewhurst. Thanks for tuning in. We have a great show for you. These are always my favorite because we get to talk to two people and they're married and then we get a lot of different stuff coming in at you.
Meet the Experts: Mike and Kim
00:00:51
Speaker
So I guess we should just go to our bio and then we can jump into it because I just can't get them on the show. I can't wait to get on the show. So it's going to be a good onion to unpeel, I think a little bit today. So lots of different facets.
00:01:02
Speaker
Mike and Kim have been supporting blended family couples for over 20 years. Their personal story and professional experience give couples practical insights to thrive in their stepfamily. You can reach them and find them at mikeandkimcoaching.com or the blended family coaching show on iTunes is their podcast. And I think you guys are on other platforms
Journey in Blended Family Coaching
00:01:24
Speaker
too. So welcome to the show, Mike and Kim.
00:01:27
Speaker
Thanks, guys. Good to be here. Yeah, thanks for having us. First off, if this is your second marriage and you're listening, just put your hand in your pocket and then throw it at these people. These guys have figured it out, and it is not easy. So I, one, commend you for even trying to go down this rabbit hole of blending a family together. I do not have a blended family, but I know a lot of people do.
00:01:51
Speaker
And just to one, that you're thriving is one thing. And we're going to talk through this and, you know, there's obviously some speed bumps on the way, but the fact that you guys set yourself out as coaches to be able to be a beacon of hope in a sea of waves. I just want to like, I wish I had the applause crowd. You know, that's what would be happening right now. So congratulations. Yeah, thank you.
00:02:17
Speaker
Yeah, so tell us how in the world, one, how long have you been married? Let's start there. We just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. Wow. Congrats. You know, that's the question that you ask people, like how long you've been married? And their answer says a lot about, like it says leaps and bounds over the number that they give you.
00:02:36
Speaker
Does that make sense? Like somebody's like, they're 50 and you're like, how long are you married? Four years. And you're like, Oh, okay. There's something that you just did. Yeah, there's a story there. So 21 years. Wow. How many children do you have? And then, uh, talk about how they came into the family if they were already in the mirror, like all that stuff. I don't know if we want to talk about that.
00:02:58
Speaker
Well, we've got three children total. When we were married 21 years ago, I had a five year old daughter from a previous marriage. And then we have two mutual children together. Yeah, since then. Yeah.
00:03:14
Speaker
Wow. Three. How did you guys meet? I love this story. Like this is like we're sitting here for dinner and you're there with my wife and I, because this is the questions you're going to get. Sure. Yeah. Well, actually, I was engaged to someone else when we met. He was. However, I.
00:03:32
Speaker
However, Kim had nothing to do with that transition. We worked together actually. We kind of ran in the same circle of friends from our workplace. It was a place here locally called Super Feet. So we made insoles for hiking boots and running shoes, those kinds of things.
00:03:50
Speaker
And I ended up going through a breakup with my fiance at the time. And so Kim and I were just friends. And then one day we weren't. Okay. Much to both of our surprise. Absolutely. That's right.
00:04:05
Speaker
So Kim looks at you across the, uh, what is it? And Kim, did you notice Mike first or did Mike notice Kim first? I just want to know. Oh, I totally noticed her first. Okay.
00:04:26
Speaker
And you were like, there's something here. I just got through a pretty bad breakup and engagement. That's a whole different deal. And then when you just know that like, there's something here that I feel like is bigger than the breakup that I just got through. Like how many months or weeks or days? Like how does that work?
00:04:46
Speaker
Well, it was several months before there was actually a it was a small company. And so there was two people within the company that were getting married to each other. And so the whole pretty much the whole company was invited.
Family Dynamics: Coaching vs Counseling
00:05:00
Speaker
And so here I had just gone through a, you know,
00:05:04
Speaker
engagement and planning a wedding and then un-planning a wedding. And I'm like, great, now I have to go to a wedding. And that just wasn't that exciting. And right before that, Kim's previous husband just got remarried. And you went to the wedding. Yeah, I was invited and actually attended. Yeah, him. My respect factor for you just went through the roof.
00:05:29
Speaker
in that, like, did you like throw cake or something? Or like, did you just start throwing cake? No, I was well behaved. She was very well behaved. Yeah, actually my former spouse and his spouse came to our wedding six months later too. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So that's uncommon. So that's just basically why we wanted you on the show. See, there you go. Well, that was early on in the early years. Things changed about 10 years in after that.
00:05:56
Speaker
But in any case, neither of us really were that excited about going to a wedding. And so I was at Kim's desk one day and just said, how about we go to this wedding and we'll just go together and be miserable together. And she was like, that sounds great. Sign me up for two of those. Yeah.
00:06:13
Speaker
I know. So then, uh, that day, the wedding was like early in the day, but the reception was late in the day. We had to kill some time in between. So we got some picnic stuff and went to a local park. And, and that was like the moment we were looking at each other like, Hmm, something kind of cool about you felt good to be miserable together. It wasn't, we were, we were ecstatically miserable. Yeah.
00:06:38
Speaker
And at that point, I had watched Mike go through this process of breaking up. And they had been together like eight years. I mean, it was like a divorce. This wasn't a short engagement or relationship. It was a big deal. But I had watched how he handled it and how he spoke about her. And I was really impressed by his character. That's really what drew me to him was his character and how he
00:07:05
Speaker
How he treated her even in the midst of all that. Yeah Thank you. What was the what was the because I you know, I'm obviously in a blended family and so What was the courtship like as it related to you know introducing Mike to your daughter? Hmm. Good question
00:07:27
Speaker
Yeah, that was, I was kind of hesitant to do that because I had dated other people and introduced her and then broken up. And so I kind of was a little hesitant to expose her to someone else. But at first I just introduced him as a friend and she really took to him right out of the gate. She was like, Oh, I like Mike. He's fun. And
Impact of Marriage Dynamics
00:07:50
Speaker
Well, and remember, you said, oh, Annika doesn't really like guys coming around. Yeah, I said she doesn't warm up to people easily. Yeah, so actually, I need a challenge accepted. Yeah, that's right. So we were at church one weekend, and for some, I don't even remember why I needed to ride home, and you had another friend that needed to ride home. And you were in the back seat. So I ended up getting stuck in the back, not stuck, I got put in the back seat.
00:08:18
Speaker
And so here I hop with this little five year old girl and she like looks at me and she's like, hi, I'm Annika. And I'm like, hi, I'm Mike. And we just kicked it off. And I remember even now, like 21 years later, I remember Kim like looking in the rear view mirror with this confused look on her face because of how quickly and simply and sweetly Annika and I just seem to connect.
00:08:40
Speaker
Well, it's interesting that probably that circumstance got used because it's a different circumstance than normal of like, hey, we're going to go check out one of mommy's friends. You know, you're just like, oh, I plopped in the backseat. Like, what are you going to do? You're going to have a conversation, you know? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's very informal. Yeah, it was good.
00:08:58
Speaker
So, I mean, I've, so I know you guys, I've listened to the podcast, my wife and I, you've, so we know your story. So you get married and you start blending and things are going well. And then like you kind of alluded to earlier in the show, you know, things changed. So it kind of lets, you got married, you're blending, which, and I think the other reason I wanted to have you guys on the show, because I think a lot of the stuff you teach,
00:09:27
Speaker
And a lot of the things you cover are obviously for blended families, but there's a lot of wisdom and principles that translate to any family, you know, no matter what your situation is. And so I don't want this totally, you know, this only is for blended families because you guys have so much wisdom and principles of what you've gone through and what you're communicating. And I think a lot of families would benefit, but kind of walk our listeners through what changed and then
00:09:49
Speaker
Yeah, this then you made, you know, kind of the adage of, you know, you make your mess, your message, I feel is a little bit applicable to your story. And so kind of unpack that. Right. And you don't need to caveat this. Like, if you're listening and you're like, Oh, this is just for blended families, I would question your marriage. Okay. And
00:10:07
Speaker
Of course, everybody can benefit from this information. So like this is the part where like in a blended family communication, everything is just like heightened. And so to me, like me not being married, I'm like leaning in basically like swallowing the microphone because I just am like trying to listen as much as I can because my marriage and everybody's marriage is that important.
00:10:28
Speaker
And then so I love talking through this challenge and trial that you guys are going to talk through because like Kim said, you see a lot of like you see the true character or color of somebody when you get to witness them going through a challenge.
00:10:43
Speaker
right? Like you are across from Superfeet and you are watching Mike going through this trial and you were impressed with his true character that comes out. There is no hiding in a trial or a obstacle. Like your true color comes out. And so now you're going to talk about this. I can't wait. Go ahead. Sorry. I get all hyped up. If you really want to know about true colors.
00:11:08
Speaker
It's, you know, it's interesting as you talk about, well, so many of the principles are true for any family, whether they're blended or first family or single parent homes. Often the principles are the same. It's just that the application or the strategy might be different depending on those unique dynamics.
From Crisis to Coaching
00:11:27
Speaker
So you're right. A lot of what we get to coach couples around
00:11:30
Speaker
are pretty common principles. And so we've lived kind of both sides of the journey having Annika who was five when we got married and then she's quite a bit older than our mutual kids and now she's been out on her own for
00:11:46
Speaker
what nine years now and so we've had this almost decade now also sort of living as a first family in everyday life because our kids are mutual and so so many of those things apply across the board of course parenting is a huge issue absolutely and we disagree around how to parent our mutual kids for sure but back when we were first learning how to be parenting partners with anika it was
00:12:15
Speaker
It was a challenge. It was magnified. The differences in the expectations and how we believe things should be handled and then the emotional baggage that I was carrying around as I
00:12:26
Speaker
you know, was trying to take care of my daughter and meet Mike's expectations. I mean, that was probably the first big bump in the road was parenting, of course. And that's very common for blended couples. But again, you know, even in first families, we don't always agree on that.
00:12:45
Speaker
Yeah, I would add to that that, you know, those early years challenges were primarily around this dynamic that we call the stranded stranger and the trapped teammate. And so like for me, I was the stranded stranger because Kim and Annika had this tight bond. They kind of had a family culture, a way of doing things in her single parent years.
00:13:09
Speaker
She had some ideas of what she was going to hold Annika accountable for and what she was not going to hold Annika accountable for and I saw it very differently because you know I didn't have any kids so that meant I was a parenting expert. So I absolutely knew everything. I know exactly how this is going to sound.
00:13:26
Speaker
But the thing is, is I was really I was stuck on the outside and I felt like I just couldn't connect with either of them quite the way they connected with each other. And that's a lonely place to be, to feel stranded in your own home. Yeah, that's really challenging. Yeah. And then I was trapped in between my daughter and my husband because he had, you know, an idea of what our marriage and family life would look like and how Anika would behave.
00:13:56
Speaker
And a lot of times his ideas and Annika's ideas and what we'd been doing were dramatically different and clashed. And so then I was put in this position of feeling like I had to choose. And that's really hard. And every blended family couple experiences this dynamic to some degree.
00:14:16
Speaker
It's very common, but we didn't know that at the time. We just knew it was painful. I can really just you saying that of like, you know, when Megan and I first got together, it wasn't like, Oh, this happens once in a while. It was a period where it felt like it was happening every day, you know, between your kids and, and your new spouse and your, you want everyone to, you know, like, Hey, why can't we all just get along here? And, uh, it's, and there
Building Resilient Families
00:14:44
Speaker
is really,
00:14:45
Speaker
nothing to prepare you for these types of feelings, situations, circumstances. And yeah, I think a lot of the the way you visualize things for people like the stranded stranger and trapped teammate, like it really helped, you know, Megan and I like, OK, we're not crazy. There's other people going through this. And most importantly, I think this is a huge distinction with you guys, too. You're not counselors.
00:15:14
Speaker
your coaches and you're trying to equip people with tools so that they can ultimately help themselves and have a framework to make decisions from and come back to. And so I think that's a really important distinction. Can we just take a pause here and do a commercial break? We're financial advisors. Why in the world are we talking about this?
00:15:34
Speaker
This is, I think, sometimes why people are like, what is what's going on? Well, we're uncommon. And this really matters in your financial life. If your world is rocked when you go home every day, you can't tell me that doesn't affect every other aspect of your life. It does. And so your marriage, I tell people all the time, sorry for the listeners who listen to this,
00:15:58
Speaker
Like if my world, like if the world is against me, but my wife is with me, I will conquer the world. If the world's with me and my wife's against me, my world is upside down. And so this is so important in finances, in your professional life, in your friendships, in your competitive life, whatever you want to say, your marriage matters. And if you're, if you're getting rocked on every which way, if you're feeling like a stranded stranger in your marriage,
00:16:28
Speaker
it rolls over and do not try to fake it like it doesn't. And so let's talk through. So that's like financial advisors that really try to help you with, you know, honestly, like we'll go into your marriage a lot of times because it matters and it really affects where you guys want to go with financial goals and things like that. And so sorry about the stupid commercial, but I do think it's fun to just talk through. In fact, we had a fun, uh,
00:16:54
Speaker
lunch with an individual who's like, well, I'm interviewing financial advisors and my favorite question to ask those like, how's that going? And they're like, it's horrible. I know. And so we just kind of simplifies with her. And we just had a conversation about where she was about her kids. She just recently got divorced and about 45 minutes into it. She was like, well, when are we going to start talking about my money? And I was like, we've been talking about your money this whole time because it matters. Right.
00:17:16
Speaker
right? It's not just about what's in your wallet. It's about all of you and how healthy you are and what you want to do. And then later, it was actually three and a half weeks later, she called me. She's like, Hey, I just came to this money. What should I do? I was like, Oh, I think you should do this, that and the other. And she was like, Oh my gosh, that's what I was thinking. How did you know?
00:17:32
Speaker
Well, we listened, you know? Anyway, and so, okay, let's go back to how do you get out of The Stranded Stranger, right? You've now... How long is the show? Yeah, that's a really good question that doesn't necessarily have a single answer, but the number one principle behind it is really finding practical ways to build unity in your marriage.
00:18:00
Speaker
It's interesting that you talked about the tie between your wealth and your mindset around your money and your work as compared to your connection and your marriage. This whole stranded and trapped dynamic we experienced early on and we actually still experience sometimes today, but the impact of it is dramatically lower now that we've learned strategies and we've built unity in our marriage.
00:18:28
Speaker
But there was also a season for about three years right in the middle, about a decade ago, where, you know, one factor that first families don't have to deal with is what we call the X factor, which, yes, that means Kim's ex, right? The wild card living in the other home that your child also exists in.
00:18:49
Speaker
Like the name, by the way. That name is powerful. He's like, what's the X factor? And you said it was like, duh. And so during that season, we were in the family court battle for over three years. We were a true case of what's called parental alienation. And that not only challenged our family, but it really challenged our marriage.
00:19:12
Speaker
And we were actually on the verge of divorce as we went through that season. It was very difficult. And as you just shared what you were talking about, Phillip, I remember toward the end of that season where we were kind of at our breaking point.
00:19:30
Speaker
And I actually just had breakfast this morning with a buddy of mine from Super Fee who still works there.
Faith and Coaching Mission
00:19:37
Speaker
And I remember being in his office one time and we just shut the door and I just broke down. Oh, wow. I mean, that season at my work, you weren't functioning. No, that was probably my worst performing season directly tied to the challenge that we were having in our marriage.
00:19:58
Speaker
And so it impacts every aspect of our life. It consumes our energy. It consumes our focus. It consumes our decision making power. And it really destroys our unity. And so if there was a single principle answer to reducing the negative impact of that stranded and trapped dynamic, it really is about unity, even in the face of major adversity. That's what we've had to walk
00:20:27
Speaker
But did you like go to someplace like that's a helpless feeling to be like going into some of your office like let's be honest your co-workers office close the door and just like breaking down like Yeah, it's vulnerable. I love but then there has to be some kind of like okay, but what's the next step? You know yeah
00:20:44
Speaker
Yeah, I mean that really kicked off. That was early in this season where we were. How long were you married quickly? We were a little over 10 years ago. Wow. There was a big change, a dramatic change in the co-parenting relationship with my former spouse and that was kind of the catalyst.
00:21:03
Speaker
And during those three years, I mean, it consumed, it consumed our lives, that court battle. And we kind of didn't invest in our marriage. Our marriage kind of got put on the back burner for a while. And then as we came out of that season, we were both, you know, exhausted, of course, but we didn't have much. Yeah, there was no, there was no gas left in the tank. Yeah, we were running on empty. And so we did get
Balancing Business and Personal Life
00:21:31
Speaker
help.
00:21:31
Speaker
We got help. Yeah, I remember saying, hey, I'm going to go. I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm going to go to counseling. And I did. And I started in a counseling journey. And I had a couple of mentors who one happened to be the CEO of Super Feet. The other was the family pastor at our church. And I just between those two mentors and my counselor, I spent several months of healing.
00:22:00
Speaker
And I had to do that. I think I had to go first. I had a real anger problem and a lot of that stemmed from the dysfunctional blended family that I grew up in. I was actually born into a blended family. I've never lived a season in my life not in a blended
00:22:16
Speaker
It's normal, normal for Mike. Yeah, exactly. But I think a lot of your anger was rooted in being that stranded stranger. Absolutely. When it would really come out. Yeah, for sure. Isn't it sad that we go to a counselor when we're unhealthy and that's like, but really the definition of strength is to like know that something's off and like go and try to fix it.
00:22:37
Speaker
And every other aspect of life breaks down. You go, I need help. I need to fix it. It goes to like the most important muscle of your body. Like, Oh no, none of that. Like don't do that. But kudos to you, Mike, for like, I'm just going to go for me. You know? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. At that point I was refusing to go. I was just, I didn't have the emotional capacity and I was pretty depressed at that point. But how healthy was it to see that Mike was willing to go without any caveat of like, but then I need you to go Kim. Okay.
00:23:07
Speaker
You know, like that doesn't feel great. You know, it changed everything. It changed everything for us because I saw that he was changing. He was approaching things differently. He was learning how to deal with his anger and expresses feelings. And I took note. I was like, wow, something's different. And, huh.
00:23:27
Speaker
He's really putting in the work to make, right? Maybe he's not such a changes. Yeah. This brings up an interesting point and I don't want to interrupt you, Kim, but the fact that I just had breakfast with somebody this morning and he was like, there's something catastrophic that happened to his marriage and his wife was like, Hey, I'm, I'm headed towards divorce. And then he has this big epiphany and he keeps telling her that he's going to change. And I was like, please stop saying that. Like it's been three days, man. Like you can't say that.
00:23:57
Speaker
Yeah. You have to lovingly change without saying you're going to change. And if you are changed, just say, Hey, this has been a three day deal on a long journey of 11 years we've been
Tools for Family Success
00:24:08
Speaker
married. But like, I want to prove to you today that I want to care for you in a different way. Yeah. It's a little baggage action. Yes. It's harder than words. Yeah. So keep going, Kim. Sorry to interrupt. Go.
00:24:21
Speaker
So at that point, as I started to really notice that change was actually happening, I really wanted to make the marriage work. I wanted to also put in the work myself. For the longest time, I didn't. But at that point, I didn't want to end the marriage and have regret that I really didn't put 100% of my energy and effort into saving it.
00:24:48
Speaker
So then I engaged in counseling individually because I have my stuff. Mike shared that he has issues. Well, I came in with lots and lots of stuff as well. And then we were able to do some counseling together and it was
00:25:06
Speaker
Yeah, we only did a little bit. I mean, we can count on one hand how many times we went to marriage counseling sessions together as a couple. Everything else we did was our own individual work. Right. Yeah. Wow. I love it. Great leadership, Mike. Look at that. I love it. So you're in the storm and, you know, I want to be mindful of our time on the show. So you're in the storm. You start working on yourselves. I'll talk all day. I will talk on this topic.
00:25:34
Speaker
Um, but how do you then, how did you kind of start equipping yourself of like, we might help other couples who are in this season of life. Like how did that script change? I guess that's a good transition.
00:25:48
Speaker
Well, that's a good question, Brian. I mean, we actually kind of have to back up to go forward on that. So we had the privilege of going to a two-day workshop the weekend before our wedding that a guy named Ron Deal, who now is our country's leading expert on blended families,
00:26:07
Speaker
Oh, nice. This
Closing Thoughts
00:26:09
Speaker
was before he ever published his first book called The Smart Step Family. He came to our local area and he did a two-day workshop. And of course, Kim's like, we're planning a wedding for next weekend. Why are we doing this? It's been two days in a seminar. We're fine. We're good. Yeah, exactly. Very naive. But I knew how dysfunctional my blended family of origin was. And I was like, no, we've got to go do this.
00:26:37
Speaker
And so, um, for Kim, it came, she came out with eyes wide open going, Oh, crud, what are we about to jump into? And for me, it explained a lot, even though it didn't excuse the challenges of my family of origin. And so it went a long way for me to forgive my dad and step mom, actually some healing.
00:26:59
Speaker
Yeah. And that kicked off a journey when we came out of that. We said, man, other people need this. And so when we got back from our honeymoon trip, we immediately started a support group at our local church and started just using Ron Deal's material that he had at the time to support other blended families in our local area. So
00:27:20
Speaker
So our work of supporting step couples really genuinely started 21 years ago and we were co-learners in that process. And then, um, you know, we, when we were really struggling in that season in between, we didn't do a lot of that. We kind of handed off and didn't, didn't have a lot of, uh, people engaged in that. But then we started up again, um, after we, we kind of recovered from that season and, um,
00:27:49
Speaker
And then it was in 2015 that I was feeling very released from my previous career. We had an opportunity to take some of what we had in our retirement fund, which you guys probably wouldn't advise. We actually would advise. That's why we're here.
00:28:11
Speaker
All right. So we, we said, you know what, I think we're going to make this leap. I got certified as a life coach and I, and I really just set out to kind of start a life coaching practice, just a small individual life coaching practice. Kim was working a mostly full time job at the time.
00:28:30
Speaker
And I mean, it was only a matter of months later where I was really feeling pulled to say, you know, this whole coaching thing could have worked really well for couples. But honey, I can't do this by myself. Like we're, we're going to bring value to couples. Like we both need to be all in and with your job. I don't, I don't think you're going to have the time or bandwidth to do it.
00:28:49
Speaker
I was like, you're absolutely right. I don't. Right. And so providentially, that was in December of 2015. Two months later, in February of 2016, Kim was laid off from her job. I was released.
00:29:06
Speaker
the best thing that ever happened to you. We both like looked at each other and we're like, well, I guess we're doing this. And so that just kind of kicked off the journey of saying, okay, how do we, how do we make the leap from leading support groups to genuinely coaching couples and producing content that's going to be helpful and actionable?
00:29:28
Speaker
There you go. That's what I like between coaches and counselors, like the tools. No, I'm not just here to talk about your feelings. Like, let's advance the ball. Here's a tool. Let's work on that. Right. We're all about the tools. Yep. For sure. Yeah. So that's kind of a big nutshell. Yeah. So if I could backtrack just a bit on that, what really
00:29:51
Speaker
another piece of the story was Mike went away. He was working at Superfeet. He was a little... I went away. You went away to camp.
00:30:05
Speaker
So he was feeling discontent in his career and wondering what else was his purpose in life and feeling like there was more out there for him. And he had been talking about that. But then he went away for a week with one of our kids to a parent child camp in California that he takes our kids to.
00:30:25
Speaker
and he had an experience at this camp and he came back and he said, I think I'm going to quit my job and start a life coaching business, a new career. I'm like, what? What's wrong with that? Wow. That was the catalyst that started. It was scary for me at first, definitely.
00:30:48
Speaker
Yeah, an 18-year, very stable career in a company. Yeah, it was a big risk. We had to give up, you know, our health insurance, our stability. It was a big risk. But a risk that had, I mean, it wasn't just a blind risk. And what was the risk of you not doing it? Does that make sense? Like, Superfeet sounds like an amazing company, so nothing against them.
00:31:11
Speaker
But at the end of the day, when that Brian, I love it, calls it the drumbeat inside of you, when that started beating and beating harder, what's the risk of you not doing it and going to impact the next family? Cause they're going to get divorced. Does that make sense? Like we're doing it. We're doing it. We're taking the goldfish with me. So super exciting. And so at what point did after you jumped off the, you know, the common bridge and now you're in the, now you're flying through the uncommon space. When did you realize like I did the right thing, you know,
00:31:45
Speaker
You know, I think that where we're realizing that is really an individual couples as we see them, as we see light bulbs come on and we see unity built between couples. We see success happening. We hear stories now from couples that we haven't seen for months. And then we get an email that's like, hey, we
00:32:09
Speaker
had this success or that happened or we even just as lawyers can see them on social media somewhere we're like oh my goodness like that is that wouldn't have happened eight months ago and we got to play a little a tiny little part in that journey for them.
00:32:24
Speaker
And that is affirmation over and over again. Okay, we're doing the right thing here. And when we see renewed hope, I mean, that's amazing to me when couples will say to us, wow, we've got hope now. Yeah.
00:32:41
Speaker
You know, they don't feel discouraged. They're not hopeless and helpless anymore. They can move forward. They can do this and they can stay together and build help. They can thrive. That's so exciting for us.
00:32:59
Speaker
We don't like to make decisions based on fear. So even though there was risk, anytime we've made decisions based on our fears, we regret it. So stepping out and doing something new and leaving all of our security behind, had we not done that, we would have been doing that because of fear and we're not going to do that. Sink or swim, we're not going to do that.
00:33:27
Speaker
So when we look back, did we make the right decision? Absolutely. And even when it feels like, oh shoot, did we make the right decision? Even now, when we have those days where we're thinking, boy, is this really it? We're people of faith and we look back and we say, wait a second, was this a calling? We genuinely both believe this was a calling. And we kind of look at each other and go,
00:33:50
Speaker
Yeah, we believe that. Okay, then we're going to trust. We're not going to freak out. We're just going to trust. We're going to keep moving forward. And every time we do, we seem to get blessed. So we're not going to say no to a calling. That's right. That's right.
00:34:04
Speaker
What, uh, you know, you guys have to live, you have to live, you have to eat your own cooking, so to speak, to be coaches in this space. You lived it. How do you as husband and wife run and, and, you know, produce all the content, meet with all the people? Like, how do you protect your marriage and build a business? Yeah, that's a great question. How much longer we got?
00:34:31
Speaker
You're doing great. Yeah, we have to walk our talk. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's one area. I mean, uh, I forget the way you just said it, Brian, but you know, take her own medicine or walk your own cooking. Yeah. Um, we do. And in fact, that's funny because occasionally we'll get into some disagreement and we'll, we will look at each other and be like, okay, like what would we tell a client? Okay. We're going to do that.
00:34:58
Speaker
And so that's one way of protecting is actually using the tools. And it makes it really easy to coach couples with the tools that we've actually used. And that have worked for us? Yeah. I mean, we try not to teach anything that we haven't already used ourselves. So that's very helpful. But I think another piece is we're still navigating this journey.
00:35:22
Speaker
of identifying the boundary line between business partners and marriage partners. And you know, when we're talking about clients on date night, that's probably not okay. We're talking about strategies for our podcast on date night. That's not what we want. And we're doing that still. We're struggling through that and having to set some boundaries and say, okay, wait, let's change the topic here and let's talk about life. Let's talk about us and not work.
00:35:52
Speaker
Yeah, make that romantic connection. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. You guys have, you know, I think hit and it's like, um,
00:36:04
Speaker
I mean, you know, I think you you've answered the calling. And so you have the podcast. The podcast is phenomenal, by the way. If thanks, Brian. Yeah. Like for our listeners out there, too. I mean, if any of this stuff is hitting a nerve, their podcast is phenomenal and it's very actionable. Like there's just a lot of meat in there that you give away on the podcast. So you have the podcast, you're doing coaching.
00:36:30
Speaker
I think you're doing conferences now kind of post COVID, if my understanding is correct. Can you walk our listeners kind of through the, maybe the resources you have and the way you've kind of set things up to help people?
00:36:41
Speaker
Certainly. Yeah. Well, the podcast is the easiest point. You know, like you said earlier, it's on Apple podcasts or you can, you know, go on Spotify or Google podcasts. Anywhere podcasts are, are available. We're there. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's easy. It's, it's free and we just want to help people. So that's one practical help. You can also hit our website. If you say, you know, I think I need a little bit more direct support or accountability.
00:37:09
Speaker
Yeah, then that's a great opportunity to hit our website and right at the top of the website, you can click the button to schedule a free coaching call and you get it on the calendar. You give us your phone number and we'll call you at the time that you scheduled.
00:37:24
Speaker
And then we also, like you mentioned, Brian, you know, often couples will go for coaching from there, whether they have direct coaching with us or purchase one of our online courses that teaches principals. That's a great way to get engaged. And then you're right, we do
00:37:44
Speaker
We don't do a lot of conferences, but we pretty at least annually do a marriage retreat. It's not necessarily blended family specific, but it's in conjunction with a group called Scott River Lodge in Northern California. Beautiful resort and a whole week of adventure.
00:38:04
Speaker
and investment in your marriage. And so we get to lead one of them. When is that? I want that. It's August this year. It's August and it is phenomenal. It's really fun. And the food is incredible too. The food's amazing. And we're not cooking it. We are eating it.
00:38:23
Speaker
So, thanks for asking that, Brian. Yeah. What, you know, kind of to lay in the plane of this podcast and you have so much that you've shared and are helping people with, you know, obviously post-COVID, I think, you know, one of the main reasons I want to have you on is I just think families are getting hit from lots of different directions. Obviously, the buzzword right now is inflation kind of, you know, on our front.
00:38:46
Speaker
You had kids that weren't going to school, saying I got everybody in the house, you couldn't leave. There's just lots of different dynamics going on, social media pressures, you know, mental health. And again, I don't want to, I think counseling is important, but I also see the advantage of coaching too. So just what would you leave our listeners with, you know, kind of post COVID if they want to recalibrate or, you know, any other thoughts that you had?
00:39:10
Speaker
Well, I think one of the most important things you can do as a couple to guide and direct your family is to get really clear on what's most important for your family. What are your family's values? So what are the life skills, the character traits, and the values that you want to build your home on?
00:39:34
Speaker
because there's so many other influencers out there and we can run around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to fix and do damage control. But when we can get laser focused on what's most important for us and then give our kids that vision,
00:39:53
Speaker
We can draw on that when we're parenting, when we're redirecting, when we're all stuck in the house and frustrated with each other, when social media invades. There's a lot of voices trying to get into our kids. So many.
00:40:11
Speaker
And you can teach things like financial responsibility and health and wellness. You can teach all kinds of things when you're focused. Yeah, moderation. That's a big one right now with the amount of screen time for kids and all of that. You can teach all of those basic character traits if you're intentional and it can make a huge difference.
00:40:35
Speaker
And I would add and unified and we've got to do that in a very practical sense. You know, we talked to a lot of different couples for free coaching calls and whatnot. And, and a lot of couples say, yeah, yeah, we're really aligned in our values. I say, okay, really? That's cool. Well, what if I handed each of you a pad of paper?
00:40:53
Speaker
and you're not allowed to talk to each other, and I want you to write your top five values down. How many of those top five words would be the exact same word and would be the exact same meaning? And I'd say 50-50, 50% say, oh gosh, yeah, we're way off. Okay, well that's easy, let's start working on that. The other 50% say, oh, I think they'd be three out of five. And so then we say, that's good, but now what if we put all your kids in a room
00:41:22
Speaker
And again, nobody got the opportunity to talk to each other and we had them write down your top five values. And how, what are the chances that all of them would have the exact same words and most any couple goes, Oh yeah, that's not going to happen. Well, if that's true, then we haven't actually built clarity. And if we want to have clarity, which brings unity, then we've got to be intentional about getting crystal clear on what our values are and how
00:41:50
Speaker
those values look in action and everyday life and that's one of the areas that we really lean into focusing with couples on especially in blended situations because you're coming from two very different backgrounds often both both partners have kids from a previous relationship so they both have
00:42:09
Speaker
Family cultures that have been built in their single-parent homes and we want to blend those But the truth is it's it's culture clash more than more often than not and so we've got to build unity That's one of the things we love to help couples with for sure
00:42:24
Speaker
That's good. I want to thank you for taking the time today because I just think you guys are awesome. This is probably the more fun for you than anything else. All right, Brian, what are your key takeaways from our talk today? I mean, for me, it's you've got to have tools. I mean, because it's going to come back. You know, these aren't isolated events that happen once or twice a year.
00:42:46
Speaker
you know and i'm speaking specifically about being in a blended family like these things come up all the time and so if you don't have a framework if you don't have family values without vision if you don't have. Clarity all these things you're talking about it but what if you don't have the framework to work back from every time.
00:43:03
Speaker
Your boat is going to bounce around in the waves for sure. And I love that. I think the second one thing for me is just vulnerability, of asking for help of, man, the last few years have been hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. And it's just like, if you need help, reach out, whether it's financial or whether it's in your marriage, get support. And there is support out there.
00:43:30
Speaker
I think you've made it very approachable and tangible and authentic, you know, to get that help from the different resources you've laid out. So it's good. Thanks, Brian. Okay. You ready for mine? Yeah, I've got a couple. Okay. All right. Number one, you've, you can see somebody's true colors when someone's in a trial. And I think that you can support them in that, whether it's something that's good that comes out or something that's bad, like you still have to support and help.
00:43:56
Speaker
But you really can see somebody's true colors or character when things are in a trial. Don't put your marriage on the back burner. Number two. That little back burner on the stove, the little one. Don't do it. It never boils anything. The warmer. It's the warmer. It's not helpful. Don't do it.
00:44:16
Speaker
Three, using tools can help lower your emotions, give you clarity and unity. I think that's really good. Number four, this is going to like Phillip Land, so hang on. Forgiving others can be the most healthy thing you can do for your life.
00:44:34
Speaker
I do think, and this is more probably about me, but I really struggle with controlling things. And if I don't have control of something, it's like my worst nightmare. And so sometimes the only thing you can control is the ownership of how bad you botched something. And you just have to ask people for forgiveness and in that there's health.
00:44:52
Speaker
The last thing is invest in yourself even when it comes with your 401k. Welcome to Uncomenwealth everybody. I'm grateful that you guys started down this path and that you guys are helping impact people. And that's why we started this Uncomenlife project is we wanted to interview people that are getting paid to just
00:45:15
Speaker
enjoy life and then use God's gifts that they've given to them to impact other people. And it's clear that you're doing that. And I really love the topic. And so thank you so much just for your time, your expertise, and taking a risk on yourself because it's paid off. Absolutely. Well, thank you for having us. We really appreciate the conversation. Thanks for being on the show today.
00:45:37
Speaker
You've been listening to the Uncommon Life Project. I've been your host, Phillip Ramsey. And I'm Brian Dewhurst. Until next time, go be uncommon. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. That's all for this episode of the Uncommon Life Project, brought to you by Uncommon Wealth Partners. Be sure to visit uncommonwealth.com to learn more about our services. Don't miss an episode as we introduce you to inspiring people who are actively pursuing an uncommon life.