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Support
71 Plays6 years ago
Support is something we can all benefit from taking a deeper look at. I think there are nuances and pitfalls that come about when we aren't 'clear' on supporting, which takes the form of enabling, being a fixer, or just being selfish - the worst of all and the opposite of support.
Are you truly supporting by being your authentic self or are you supporting for yourself?
What are some things that make true support challenging?
How do you know how you can support?
These are but a few of the questions to look at as we seek to improve human connection through Support.
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Transcript
Introduction & Co-host Consideration
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello. No second. Hello. I'm sorry. Kay is on the road. She's been out at the games for four or five days and is gone until the end of the weekend. So she, see, here's the deal. I'm thinking about having her on as a co-host.
00:00:24
Speaker
but there also needs to be a little bit of waiting game. Play a few mind games with her. Don't just give her the job. I'm kidding, but not really. Anyway, yeah, no, I thought it was cool last week to chat.
Podcast Style & Guest Dynamics
00:00:42
Speaker
I mean, honestly, what that was like was just kind of like us having coffee and we just decided to record it. So,
00:00:50
Speaker
I think it's neat to have the two-way conversation. I think that's certainly an element of improvement for
00:00:59
Speaker
for this particular podcast to continue to provide value. That's ultimately what I want to do. I'm not having guests. That's not going to happen. And it's not to say there's no good guests out there. I know everything. That's not it. Just not within the scope of this. But man, she's a stud.
00:01:26
Speaker
She is very, very good at what she does and has a lot of experiences that
00:01:39
Speaker
people can benefit from. And I think, I think obviously she's a natural, she's every bit of between the ears as I am really. Um, so, you know, I think, I think if she accepts, if I offer and if she accepts, I think we'll try to have it be a more regular thing.
Production Challenges & Team Dynamics
00:01:59
Speaker
And look, I know that conversation, uh, it's much more robust than a monologue. I know.
00:02:08
Speaker
I also know the reality of production and scheduling the stuff and getting people and all of that. And frankly, I'm not a media company, even though it's a one man media show over here.
00:02:29
Speaker
So I think, I think having Kayon as a, as a co-host would be, would be a, uh, a giant improvement for everybody involved. Uh, thank you for your patience, uh, with the audio last week. I know it was not as clean and crisp and, and everything. Um, but Hey, you know, I'm learning as well. And what is that noise?
00:02:57
Speaker
I think that's the garage, oh my god. So anyway, I'm learning as well, and I like the video piece. I thought that was cool.
00:03:07
Speaker
I started a YouTube channel, it's Bill Anthese. I'll be posting video podcasts when we record them, kind of behind the scenes look, just kind of like day-to-life kind of stuff, mindset, workout type deals.
Support at CrossFit Games
00:03:21
Speaker
So yeah, check it out, subscribe to that if you'd like to, I guess, do you get alerted on the subscription? I don't even know what happens when you do that.
00:03:31
Speaker
I don't know if you want to stay up to date, that's there. So there's that. And then obviously the BTE practice starts on September 1st. So man, I will just say that the diversity of the group is fucking awesome. I am really, really looking forward to it.
00:03:52
Speaker
If it was a bunch of pawns and the same caricatures, it would be boring. But the human dynamic that is going to come about as a result is going to be a wide range of experiences. We've got Europe, US represented, a bunch of different states, a bunch of different countries.
00:04:17
Speaker
Really, really cool. I'm looking forward to that. If you want to work on yourself and get down, then I would love to work with you if you want.
Support vs. Enabling: A Spectrum
00:04:31
Speaker
I put up a sample workout. Shoot me a message if you want me to send it over to you. I will. Folks have been enjoying that.
00:04:39
Speaker
But anyway, the reason I, or the thing about this podcast, um, today is, uh, support and specifically like what got me thinking about this was, uh, Kay's out at the games and she's been working on things.
00:05:02
Speaker
This is kind of weird, I feel like I'm talking behind her back now. But anyway, she's been working on things. We've both been working on things individually, collectively, but you know, her being out there, so I've been out there with her the past two years, I guess, working on her team, working for her. Yep, like some shit just doesn't change. But anyway, this is, so I'm not out there.
00:05:31
Speaker
and you know anybody that doesn't know the CrossFit Games is going on and she's Dave Castro the guy who pretty much runs the whole thing her kind of like right-hand gal so it's a crazy week like it's just in it's I mean it's an impressive thing they pull off it really is every year just is impressive to see
00:05:57
Speaker
That being said, it's not easy and it doesn't happen by accident. It's a lot of people and a lot of work goes into it. She's kind of at the tip of that.
00:06:11
Speaker
there's a lot of stress, especially for her, a lot of it. And, uh, you know, so it's a good opportunity for her to validate some of her work and she's been working on herself. And it's tough for me to be here, uh, since I care about her and I want to support her.
00:06:36
Speaker
and help her be there and whatever, you know, for the breakdown moments that, well, maybe this year will break the trend. Anyway, I want to be there. You know, I really don't care about the CrossFit Games. That's not why I want to go. It's to be with my wife, the supporter, because I know she takes her job, everything she does, she takes extremely seriously and she tries to do her best.
00:07:01
Speaker
and you know this is a heck of a crucible kind of gauntlet thing and it got you know we've been talking about it over the past couple months with some things that I have been experiencing and
00:07:17
Speaker
And man, like the best thing I can do to support her for this evolution is to, is to be here and is to, you know, let her fight for herself and to be on her own and, you know, get knocked down, get back up. That's it. Obviously, physically, she's not getting knocked down, but
00:07:47
Speaker
There's a lot that goes into the picture. She hasn't seen the kids and it'll be the longest time ever that she's gone because they were with their dad in a week of vacation.
00:08:04
Speaker
Before and then she left before they got back and then she's out there for about two weeks. So yeah, there's that there's just a bunch of stuff that you know changes and you and Yeah, everybody's at their different spot and
00:08:24
Speaker
And so it's definitely a pressure cooker situation when it comes to just, it's like game day. It's like with this, it's, it's life, you know? And man, it's, it's tough to know that, I mean, not like throwing someone into the fire, but to resist the temptation to want to jump in and fix or be like, Oh, I have to be there.
00:08:54
Speaker
I think that's often supporting for ourselves. It's not really about the other person.
00:09:05
Speaker
And it's not for like, no, you're not an awful person. I think it's natural to, to, to feel like that. Cause it's like, okay, there's control then. And I can control this person's experience and it's like, yeah, stay out of it. So I think basically what I'm trying to say is if, and these are, I don't have any answers, um, but the, the, the topic of support, support is human connection.
00:09:33
Speaker
That's what it is. Human support, personal support. It's advanced human connection. And so I think we use the word support a lot or we want to support or we say, oh, I'm here to support you.
Challenging Supportive Statements
00:09:52
Speaker
And I just think we can dig into it a little bit more and, and, and look at some of the nuances and some of the intricacies with it and as a way to fully understand it more so that then we can, you know, you know, really effectively do it. Um, so.
00:10:17
Speaker
I think there's a spectrum of support that kind of goes from like, I don't know what it goes from honestly, but I think on one end of it, there's enabling and that's not supporting someone. And then on the other end,
00:10:38
Speaker
I think that there's maybe there's like, maybe if we think about a triangle, let's go with that for the visual bottom left angle is enabling peak of the trial or top, whatever is supporting for yourself. And then the bottom right would be, um, the fixer. So.
00:11:11
Speaker
looking then at like, okay, what is support? And if, if, if there's sort of that, those kinds of things, you know, enabling someone is, is, is not providing any opportunity, uh, for change, for positive change, for real change for that person. Like as that person knows or needs. And then, and, and I'll be honest, like, I think enabling is widespread.
00:11:43
Speaker
Everybody's told they're doing okay. And everybody, Oh yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, so and so is an asset. I think we enable way, way too much. Is it on purpose? I don't think so. Is it because people are evil? I don't think so. I just think that it's, it's,
00:12:10
Speaker
not, it comes from like really not examining how can I support and what does that mean? And offering true support, I believe really is, is, is offering, uh, or as being selfless as well.
00:12:26
Speaker
Not a martyr, not like you're going to sacrifice who you are because do not. You need to be authentic to fully, truly support. That might mean your support reaches its limit and that's okay. If you're not the strongest person in the world, yeah, and someone's going through something that requires whatever, you might be only limited. Hey, that's the best you can do.
00:12:55
Speaker
But then we want to overextend and then essentially not be authentic. And then we just enable. And so relinquishing a bit of control, I suppose, or being yourself rather in supporting someone.
00:13:14
Speaker
It is a hedge against, I think, enabling. The control part is there's a bit of like, yeah, I'm going to tell this person something they might not want to hear. That's a tough thing. That has to happen in real time and you have to be present and aware for that.
00:13:38
Speaker
enabling or I should say on the other end of enabling is is challenging and I'll you know be very open about this there has been a lot of
00:13:55
Speaker
of challenging with me. Okay. And not personal attacking, not judgment, but like, you know, it's those things where you're like, you know, right before you say it, like, Ooh, man, I'm not sure how this one's going to land, but here we go. And
00:14:15
Speaker
Some of the stuff I think that why those challenging statements can be so challenging or so like uh oh is because they're often we delay saying them. If we were to offer them up and say them sooner in whatever the progression is that could be you know within a conversation it could be months of a lead-up
00:14:37
Speaker
it just grows and that becomes like a bigger and bigger and bigger bomb. And yeah, you know, we might have to say it a bunch of times, but if we just wait until like this emergency situation arises, yeah, that's, that, that's a recipe for that. That's a recipe for a hard one right there. So along the way,
00:15:03
Speaker
I think we can, we can scale challenging to provide progress and, and, and hedge against just enabling, which is not providing, helping with change at, for the other person, um, but challenging along the way. Don't just always fucking agree with someone. Uh, and again, that's not, it's not like, Oh, just disagree or attack. No, it's not that, but like,
00:15:34
Speaker
Just be a human being. Be yourself. And there's been times where, you know, I've personally just kind of went along with it and agreed and didn't really say what I should have said or what I felt was real and that just usually doesn't end up well. And it might mean that, yeah,
00:16:01
Speaker
What, what, what's said isn't really the popular voice, but hey, it's your voice. And if it's your voice, you're doing the best you can and doing the best you can is, is what's up. So don't be a fixer. Um, I think it's very, it's like, it's like a reaction, like a reflexatory reaction. Like so-and-so has a problem. I need to fix it.
00:16:29
Speaker
You can. You cannot fix it. The best thing you can do is relate to it and maybe provide some experience. But the problem is hardly ever due to a rational or pragmatic issue.
00:16:49
Speaker
Of course there's, you know, reasons for those and hey, if something's broke, you call somebody, they come in and fix it. Cool. Like not that big of a deal. But when it comes to the personal dynamic, somebody struggling or somebody going through things like telling them what they should do. Ooh.
00:17:08
Speaker
You're talking to the rational
Support as a Crutch: Evaluation Needed
00:17:09
Speaker
mind there. You're giving a pragmatic solution to an emotional question and that's going to create a large conflict and likely not work and possibly make it, sensitize it and make the situation worse or even incite the other person to just be pissed off and then attack you because if they're struggling or coming from a bad place, then that's part of what happens in that environment.
00:17:38
Speaker
not looking at kind of delaying or dulling or just being aware of that reflex to be like, Oh, this is what you should do. Or, Oh, just do this. Or, Oh, just do that. And I'll be honest with you. Um, and I threw like some of the, whatever that is.
00:17:59
Speaker
so natural to want to do that because you care about people and you don't want to see people suffer. You're not like a sick person but that's often like not the best thing you can do for that person.
00:18:17
Speaker
Here's an example when you get, let's just say, I'll just say, okay, I won't, I don't want, I'll say there's been times in the past where I'll like just boom, rip through like seven text messages, like just kind of gun in it.
00:18:36
Speaker
And I am not asking for pragmatic solutions at that point. I mean, there has been, there have been times where, Oh, I don't know. I've might've been in the grocery store. Like this is like years ago and we weren't living together and hadn't eaten in, you know, whatever all day.
00:18:55
Speaker
And of course I'm in the grocery store and I'm like, I can't fucking find anything to eat. It's like, are you kidding? Of course you can. Uh, but there wasn't a bit like, okay, well, Hey, aisle three is Turkey. Like, no, that wasn't the answer. Um, but anyway, when, when those situations arise where it's just this like issue problem, boom, boom, boom, the chart, the emotional charge to it is very high.
00:19:23
Speaker
We need to be aware of what our response is. Is it pragmatic? And is it just like, oh, just do this, or here's the fix, or here's the solution. Or is it like, yeah, I'm gonna let you sweat this one out. And like, in some of those situations, I know Kay saw the text messages and was just like, are you kidding me? Like, figure it out. And she's not gonna say that. It's just not gonna be a response. And it's like, all right, well, I gotta figure this stuff out.
00:19:52
Speaker
Because the last thing you want to be is a crutch. Yeah, a crutch is a great tool to provide someone the ability to walk again and to be mobile again. But if the crutch is never ditched, then that will prevent you from being mobile and from being able to properly walk and it will give you problems.
Meaningful Support: How to Ask
00:20:13
Speaker
And so I think support is very much the same way.
00:20:20
Speaker
it's effective to a point and then it needs to be evaluated and decided, okay, that's it. And so like enabling and giving people the answers, I think are that are those points where, okay, we ditch the crutch and we let this person figure it out. Um, you know, and I think a big thing is like, uh, just like asking, Hey, how can I support you right now?
00:20:52
Speaker
If anything, I think we should say that more, but we don't. Maybe we do, I hope we do, but I think that it's for consideration, and mean it, and really mean it. That's been something that Kay and I have done and implemented, and man, I'll tell you, it's a powerful question.
00:21:20
Speaker
especially in those moments where it's very much needed. And from the person providing the support standpoint,
00:21:31
Speaker
in my own personal experience, what I have found to be kind of a trend is like you, okay. So you kind of go through the pattern of like enabling someone. So just like agreeing with them or telling them they're right or whatever. And then it's like, ah, shit. Like, I don't want to enable this person. So I'm going to tell it, like, give them the answer and oh yeah, this, that, that'll make them feel better. It's like, well, I don't want to do that either. What can I do right now? And you're like, like, you got to pause and just kind of take a step back and be like, well,
00:22:01
Speaker
I, there's not like, you can't, what can you do? You can't really do anything maybe for some of these things. All right. So, Hey, how can I support you right now?
True Intentions Behind Support
00:22:15
Speaker
And when you say that, and when you mean it, that is powerful and it's a, and it's also a little bit of a sign.
00:22:25
Speaker
to the other person that you care. And it provides them the opportunity to pause and to go into their solution finding part of the mind that hopefully, might not be right away, but hopefully gets to an answer that is helpful and that drives progress.
00:22:56
Speaker
You know, and, and, and that is going to be, that is going to be different every time. There's been times where the answer's just been like, I just want to fucking vent. Right on. Or.
00:23:11
Speaker
I don't know. I'm just freaking out. Sorry. You know, and, and, and that'll help that it will absolutely help. But like partnering with the other person, they're telling you exactly what you can do. And isn't that the whole purpose of support? Now, I think that the, then we get back to like, well, truly understanding that person and
00:23:39
Speaker
And, and what they've said and through a relationship and stuff, you know, if what they say is counter what, what they've said is good for what they want or what, you know, you know, then, then it's like, yeah, don't fall into the trap of just yes, that thing someone and.
00:23:58
Speaker
that's obviously enabling. So like listening and then saying like being okay with having that challenge. And yeah, it's not clean and it's super, and it's not easy. But it's, I think it's your best bet, your best chance of really hitting center on supporting. Because man, like, supporting someone is not just yesing them to death.
00:24:32
Speaker
It's not. You're not doing anything. I think if that's what it looks like, then you're not supporting for that person. You're doing this for you. You're getting something more out of this than what you're giving. That is not support. That is taking. I don't like that.
00:24:54
Speaker
And I get it. Hopefully there is some sort of personal good thing out of supporting. Like for example, there's companies and people and brands that I will 100% support.
00:25:10
Speaker
And yeah, maybe it's through buying a product or recommending to people or whatever. And so naturally I'd get something I'm supporting, but the reason I'm supporting does not have to do with me.
00:25:27
Speaker
I'm not looking at that support as an elevation of my own status or to fill a void or a gap or a shortcoming within my own thing, make me feel better.
Inconvenience of Genuine Support
00:25:40
Speaker
No, that is not support.
00:25:43
Speaker
that. And that's, I think that's, I think that's another one that happens quite a bit. So I just, you know, just, hey, let's raise the awareness about, about support so that we can, we can hone in and target it and be good at it, you know. I think just, just on that note, too,
00:26:13
Speaker
Support I think often resides at the opposite of convenience and It's independent of those conditions like when it's good You know, whatever fair weather fans or or whatever, you know the phrase is But yeah personal supports the same thing like it if it you don't
00:26:44
Speaker
Supporting someone should not have a placeholder or an appointment in your Google Calendar. Like, eh, I can only support you between 2 and 4 p.m. next Wednesday and Saturday.
00:27:03
Speaker
Sorry, you know, it's not convenient. And again, like the spectrum of this goes to don't just sacrifice who you are, understand your own limits, but then also don't just enable, you know. So that's, I guess, kind of going full circle.
00:27:32
Speaker
Yeah, it would be convenient to be out there with Kay or it would be convenient for her to be with me for things. And then like, you know, doing all this stuff at home with, you know, basically being a single dad with two kids and two dogs and, you know, like, yeah, summer, you know, no school.
Self-reflection & Personal Growth in Support
00:27:58
Speaker
So that's not a convenient
00:28:02
Speaker
Scenario, but like what the fuck it's life so what really is convenient and Being
00:28:16
Speaker
being supported, like allowing other people to be supported or to support you. I guess it's a whole other side of it that I didn't really get into, but I don't really want to at this point. But I just consider it. Just like if someone asks you, hey, how can I support you right now?
00:28:37
Speaker
answer that for yourself, like, how can someone support me right now? Like, what do I need? What do I think I need? And just pull on the thread, man, and like, because we're tumbling down the rabbit hole. And like I said, ultimately, I think supporting is improving the human, human dynamic and relationships and, and connection. And so what, what a great thing to look to get better at.
00:29:07
Speaker
trying to figure it out you know so yeah I think that's all I got coming up on about a half hour here so that's that I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say I know how to support perfectly at all
00:29:32
Speaker
Shoulder, shoulder learning with everyone. So I think that's what's cool. So anyway, uh, that's what I got. Like I, or just to go back. So if you want a message, you want to chat, want to do whatever, um, at BTW and the ears or at bill and these bill at between the ears.com is my email.
00:29:58
Speaker
The practice is gonna be awesome. What else? Oh yeah, the I guess the what's it called the link in the bio thing you know that link tree thing that's where I put some stuff up there's the YouTube there's oh I put the due lectures talk up there.
00:30:21
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, we'd love to chat. We'd love to engage further if you have anything. Um, honestly, if you have anything or, or, or whatever for me, I'll leave you with this bit of question, like how, and who are you going to support?
Conclusion: How to Support Others
00:30:39
Speaker
All right. Have a great week.