Transcript
Speaker: There's no right way to do it.
Speaker: Oh, we're going to get into it. What up, moms? I'm Whitney Williams, and I'm here with my best friend, Candice, and this is the Mom Group Chat Podcast. What's up? Candice had a big day today. I did. I just touched up my makeup because I shed some tears. Oh, you did? Just like not not a lot. Just like a single like tear from each eye you know? I got MISTI. I'm not going lie.
Speaker: Yeah. I had school drop off like first day of school for both girls. But Alice is like big first day of school. Although I have to say it is her first day of school, like first time doing car drop off. But it's an abbreviated day. Like I literally have to leave in an hour 15 minutes to go pick her up. So I'm already like, damn, i don't have any time. Yeah. Um,
Speaker: but yes, she did so well. She was so cute on the car ride there. It made me, it was a moment that like, made me feel proud as a mom because of to first of all, hear how she was like communicating that she was nervous. She was like, she could like label it, you know, she was like, well, she started by saying, mommy, my belly hurts. And I said, oh i said, I said, do you think your belly hurts? Cause you have to use the potty or do you think you're nervous? And she was like, I'm nervous. And I was like, that's okay. I was like, mommy gets nervous all the time for new things. Um,
Speaker: And then she asked me, were you nervous about gymnastics? I was like, that's random, but okay. Yeah, I was. And um and then she said, like, she was like, I'm nervous, but I'm going to be so brave and I'm going to have such a good day. And I was like, you are.
Speaker: Oh, um she was so sweet. And she like literally the some man came to take her. I think he was the principal. Actually, I should probably know that. But um he came like there were tons of staff out there helping like kids get out of their cars and like get inside. So he opened the door and he was like, hi, who's your teacher? And she looked back at me like, bitch, I have no idea. if um But I was like, Miss – I'm not going to say her teacher's name, but you know what i mean.
Speaker: Said her teacher and he was like, all right, let's go have a good day. and she looked back at me and she was like, bye, mom. Shut the door. big girl. she walked in and I shed a tear or two. – and It was so sweet. I'm so proud of her. Candace sent me a video. it was very interesting to see like how the drop off went. There was like teachers lined on the whole curb and they were taking them like one by one.
Speaker: Right? Yeah. i'm like Wow. I don't think I think for the little ones. Yes. Like I think if a middle schooler or like high school or there's no high school. If there's like older kids, they know how to get to their classroom. Yeah. But for the little ones, they walk them to their class. I'm so proud of her. How was Caroline? That's all I hear about.
Speaker: Okay. That's so interesting. You asked. I was like, that's what I was nervous about. I was nervous about Caroline because like, I have no idea where I'm going. I don't know like if i if I'm in the right lane. or Because there's like three lanes of Caroline and then they like merge I just didn't know. i And so like, I feel a lot better now that I've done it once and I'm like, okay, I know where to go now. And like, um, it took a lot longer than I thought. I thought, oh damn, if she has to be in by seven 50, like I need to be in car line. Absolutely. No later than seven 40, honestly.
Speaker: Um, which is what I was planning on anyway. But, um, I was like, okay, good to know that it takes a little bit longer than I thought. That's what I hear a lot. And and my friend, yeah her son starts kindergarten this week and that's all she's talked about is like gearing up for Carline. They have like, it's like 12 minutes between getting inside to being in your seat or you're considered tardy. And she was like, it is such a short window.
Speaker: It is. Yeah. No, I literally was thinking like, oh my gosh, if she, if I'm in car line at 745, like she's not getting in her classroom by 750. No way. Like, honestly, I should be there 735, like to be safe. I already, I also thought to myself, that's just hard. I've, my kids like aren't huge breakfast eaters, like right when they get up. And like this morning I had to force her to eat something. But now that I've seen that we're going to wait 10 hours,
Speaker: minutes in car line and it takes about seven minutes for us to like get to the car line in general that i'm like honestly i could bring breakfast in the car and i feel like she'd be more likely to eat there than it's your dad's special things soda i'll bring i'll bring a big jug of mountain dew mountain dew and pop tarts baby
Speaker: You're like, oh my God, I can imagine. I get it now. Oh God. That is still the most shocking thing. Holy moly. I already know. i have a feeling I'm going to be the first mom in line.
Speaker: like Yeah, yeah. You're Miss Early Bird. i'm going to be like... Um, at the door's waiting. Like, hello, y'all are late. yeah So true.
Speaker: um yeah, no. So that was interesting. I'll be interested to see how, ah what's it called? Pickup goes because there's like, there's even more. I have a thing for my dash that has to be in the dash, but I, there's also a QR code somewhere. And I'm like, what do I need this for? Who's scanning this? Like, I don't understand.
Speaker: And I just have to have it up on my phone, they said. That's interesting. Like, what if it's for if someone else picks her up and they have to have that QR code or something? Yeah, I don't know. So we'll see. i'll i'll I'll let you guys know how that goes. I think what I assume is that they maybe stay in their classrooms or something and they scan a QR code and it lets them know like, okay, this parent is in line. So it'll come up on the board. Like Alice Donnelly's parents in line, she can head outside or something. I don't know. i like That is so interesting.
Speaker: Yeah, well'll and also, this is all assumption. i don't know yet, but I'll let you guys know. But honestly, Vinny and I were talking... And we just kind of feel like everyone's doing too much. Like the kids can just sit outside and wait for their parent.
Speaker: It sounds like a security thing. And like learn their parents. You mean? I guess. I just, Vinny and I are like, oh my God. Like, could you imagine? Like we didn't have any of this when we were little. And I guess this is getting old because this is exactly how my parents sounded when I was little. And they were like, we didn't have anything like this. I walked 10 miles to school. Yeah.
Speaker: And I guess that's where I am in life. I'm just like, we didn't have any of this. What's a QR code? But like truly, we didn't have any of this and we all survived.
Speaker: So yeah, times are crazy. It's kind of crazy. They won't let parents like inside at all. Like they don't want anyone in and out. Like it sounds like a security thing to me. Yeah. I mean, we, you know, we are required to do volunteer hours now as parents.
Speaker: PTA parents. And in order to even start volunteering, we have to have a full background check and fingerprints done. Like we had to pay to go get our finger fingerprints so that we're allowed to be on school grounds and like allowed to volunteer, which honestly, i guess I...
Speaker: I appreciate it. I appreciate. As a parent, though, it's like a little annoying. I know. i appreciate it, but I agree. it probably feels like a lot like you're having to do all this work up front as a like a pre-K or kindergarten yeah potential parent. Yeah.
Speaker: It's a lot. It's a lot. She's I just feel like the school is so involved, but I don't know. Like ah my sister has never mentioned like QR codes or anything like you're living in 2057.
Speaker: fifty seven Like you're way ahead of everyone. Like I don't know. Well, it's funny. So I, you know, at meet the teacher yesterday for Evie's school are like very close friends. Their twin boys are in Evie's class. oh But their older daughter goes to one of the public schools schools here. And she's, what, first, second grade already? And so I was like, did y'all feel like at your school you had all this stuff to do? And they looked me with a blank stare. And they were like – And I said, is this just a Catholic school thing? And they were like, I think it's a Catholic school thing. And I was like, okay. So maybe it is. like Maybe our school is just like incredibly involved and like it sounds like there's a lot going on. Yeah.
Speaker: Um, which there's already a new parent happy. I was, i was, I was doing the calendar this morning on our little dry erase calendars, which by the way, i think it's time for us to get a skylight. I'll have to revisit that in a little, but, um, I was doing the calendar with all the dates and I saw there's already a parent happy hour. And I was like, us Catholics, um,
Speaker: We'd be drinking. I love that about you guys. going to get to that. I love that. We'd be with you. ah And always with you. um Jealous. um I feel like I only have the one friend whose son is going to kindergarten. And they, like I told you, they had like the back to school pool party.
Speaker: But i I don't think it's as involved either. Like, I think she had to send him to do like an assessment. And the teacher she said the teacher was just like so positive and that she was like, no, tell me what I need to work on now. yeah But the teacher was just so like sweet and whatever. But um I don't know.
Speaker: We shall see. ah feel like, yeah, like I said, you're. You're ahead of the game. i mean I'm excited for you to start kindergarten next year and to hear like what your experience is like. Because, yeah, I don't know. Like, again, i I don't know what I don't know. So.
Speaker: Well, and and you'll be able to see like if you like the involvement or if it's going to push you out. Like you if you're going be like, this is too freaking much. Like you'll be able to decide. Yeah.
Speaker: We'll see. Exciting though. ah Well, um I'm excited about today's episode. oh yeah We are doing another motherly advice slash Dear Mom group chat. I realize that we've called it two different things. So that's what this is. ah Motherly advice episode where you write in with situations, problems, et cetera, and we give you our take and our advice. And it's been a while. I looked back at the last time we did this and it was March of 2025. Okay. I was like, I don't even remember ever doing one to be honest. Oh, really? yeah I'm like, have we ever done it? We did one. We did one and it was March of 2025. So it was like almost a year and a half ago-ish.
Speaker: um So it's been a while. It's been a while. Um, okay. Shall i just jump in and read the first one? Proud of people for like submitting, even though it's been so long, like we got a few.
Speaker: Yeah, we got a, we got a bunch. So we may not get to all of them. So if you did, if you did submit and we don't get to your question, like we're going to try and do this once a quarter. So who knows? Maybe we'll get to yours next time. Yeah.
Speaker: Okay. I'm just going to start from the top here. What is your best advice for setting you and your spouse up for success in the postpartum season? I'm pregnant with my second baby and I had major postpartum anxiety with my first and felt very alone those first months. And it really rocked our marriage. As two seasoned mothers of two, how did you set yourself up to be better prepared for round two and not lose yourself and your marriage?
Speaker: I'm really stressing out about having a horrible postpartum again and struggling in my marriage again after I finally feel like we found our way back. to each other after two years. Any advice or tips for a nervous second-time mom would be so appreciated. P.S. Love you guys.
Speaker: to Did I write this myself? Holy moly. I feel like... This is candid, but this is why I cried when I found out I was pregnant again, because not because I wasn't excited to have another baby or a sibling for Graydon, but of how bad I felt after like postpartum rocked me. I also had crazy postpartum anxiety. Um, and I would say this is like one of the best things that like when we had Mallory on our podcast was, um, recognizing that that's what happened and having those conversations ahead of time. Like you, you know that this is potentially coming and could likely happen again, that you'll feel this way. So, I'd say just like sitting down with your husband and saying like, I am scared this is going to happen again. Like, please recognize this with me. We had a safe word if I was ever feeling that overwhelm where I i needed to step away, which was mushroom cloud if you want to use it. AKA, I was about to freak out. um And just to give myself space if it was just like taking a drive or taking a walk and also learning.
Speaker: Sorry, I'm rambling, Candice, but also learning. please. to let yourself leave and do that because you deserve that time to yourself as well, which was really hard for me to figure out. It took me a while to let myself do that again just because I had so much anxiety. So yeah, just don't make it all about the baby. Remember yourself as well and it will help.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. My advice here is to take a look, like do some reflecting on your past postpartum experience and see if there are any patterns that you can see that really drove your overwhelm or anxiety. So like for me, i had really bad postpartum, like nighttime scaries, like around five o'clock I had dread.
Speaker: i dreaded. i was so nervous about the nighttime and I just wasn't like i I would like literally lay in bed heart racing. And my husband, he's just like a he's an early riser. So like he would go to bed super early and I would just lay there alone, like freaking out. And so I would make a preemptive like plan for those patterns that you can like can predict. So for me, it was like, okay, at 5 o'clock, like starting from 5 to 8, that's my hardest time. I wanted Vinny to be like as present with me and the baby as possible. I wanted to do something to like keep my hands busy, whether that's like –
Speaker: I know it sounds silly, but like folding laundry or like for me, just like sitting there was, was bad for me. yeah It just, all I could think about was how horrible the night was going to be. And it was like, I was preemptively planning for an awful situation.
Speaker: And then there were also little things that like but like the dishes in the sink or like a dirty kitchen, like i would that would really overwhelm me if the baby was crying and I went in there to get a bottle and, you know, that kind of thing. um So I would just do some reflecting on that and see if you could like pinpoint any specifics that your husband could help with and play a part with.
Speaker: So that's my first thing. My second thing is more of a like after the fact – Like, obviously, the the newborn trenches, like, are real in the second time, too. Like, they are. i think that they are better. In my opinion, I think they're a little better because you're a little more confident.
Speaker: Yeah. And you know what to expect. So I don't think it's as deep as the first one because, like, as far as the trenches go, it's still hard. Like, no doubt about that. But I think when you get to the other side of the trenches, it's really about like making time to connect with your husband, which sounds so freaking basic advice here. But it really is like asking for help from family or a babysitter or whatever. And like even if it's an hour out of the house with two with the two of you, like like
Speaker: like nightly family walks where the kids are in the stroller and you guys are just able to chat and connect. It's about those like small intentional time, like times together. That's in my opinion, like what brings you back to the two together.
Speaker: Yeah. It's funny. I see this really well with the third time parents. Like every one of my friends that have had their third are so good about like having that baby be go with the flow. And I'm just like, wow, I'm so jealous of how relaxed ah these parents look and how easy they make it seem. But it's just comes with like the confidence of having multiple, but So interesting. And so, so right, Candice, it's kind of funny. We talk about like the patterns.
Speaker: I'm not kidding. I think I finally like the postpartum sleep anxiety was so bad for me that I feel like I just came out of like,
Speaker: being able to relax at night, which sounds so crazy. Like Margo's almost three. It's probably been a ah more than maybe like two and a half years. It took me to like not be, have that like heart racy feeling at night in case one of my kids came out of the bed or i don't know. I just had like, I was tortured or something. yeah like i know It was crazy.
Speaker: It's hard. It's like, it is that for me, like, you know, Vinny doesn't really wake up in the night. He's such a deep sleeper, or at least we always joke between like Vinny is unreachable between 10 and three, 10 and two, 10 and three. After that, like it's almost time for him to wake up and he'll be up. Like he could get up, but between those hours, like I am alone. Okay. he's not the Baby could scream and wail and he would not get up and couldn't be me. So god I know, right. up And I'm awake and my heart is racing.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Same. ah Same. But I, so those, those hours were just like, I would dread them so bad. I just, it's the lack of control. It's like there, there is a chance that my baby is just screaming and ah will not latch and will not eat. And like, that's like, it's out of my control. Like,
Speaker: Yeah. So hard. oh Well, we're sending you love for your second time. i also want you to remember, this is a little pep talk for you, whoever wrote this.
Speaker: You are a mom, like trust your gut. You, I want you to like give yourself affirmations of like, I and a mom. Like I know how to do this. i it's going to be better this time around. Like I want you to have a positive attitude going into it.
Speaker: because I feel like if you go into it with dread, it will be dreadful. But like, have if you go into it, be like, yeah, like I am confident. I am a mom. I know what I'm doing. It's going to be better this time. And I feel like it will, you know, you are a mom.
Speaker: You are a mom. Yeah. Repeat after me. I'm going to start. I'm going to release a set of tapes where of mom affirmations.
Speaker: But it's sleepy time. You are a mom. Oh my God. What if you did and you recorded it so moms can fall asleep too? You are healing.
Speaker: ah Honestly. Okay. love that. okay too funny. Next one. Four of my best friends are still very single. And now that I have two kids, I'm just struggling to find the best way to maintain these friendships without always having severe FOMO. And they're so kind, always including me in things, but I just can't pick up and go to the pool like they can. It's also just challenging because we're in such different seasons. And when they say they're tired, and like, sis, no, you aren't. But they're also amazing friends and so good to my kids. I just feel stuck sometimes. How would you handle this? We're all mid-30s for reference. Help.
Speaker: I feel like you run into this a lot. I do. i do. And my advice here is that, and I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but it might be some tough love. You've got to let go a little bit of the FOMO.
Speaker: You have to
Speaker: Well, and on the flip side of that, like still make time to hang out with them, but I think there should be a mix of them in your world and you in their world. yeah That has to be an equal mix because then if if not, it's one-sided either way. And yes, you have a lot going on You have kids, but you should also try to make time to like be in their world.
Speaker: Take a week, take ah a day to go to the pool with just them without the kids. But I also think there are some times where maybe you're going to the pool and you have your kids and be like, hey, come along with us. Yeah. You know? um But also if they are, you know, going out or taking a trip and it's ah it's not in the cards for you, like – you have to remember that there's going to be a time for them whenever they get to that season that it's going to happen for them too. And maybe you'll be out of this season and you'll be the one going to Italy without your kids, you know? Right. So yeah, you got to let go of the FOMO. Yeah. And I feel like this is ah one of the harder parts of motherhood is like, yeah, it it happens so gradually and and naturally you don't even mean for it to like with your friends that are single. It just, know,
Speaker: you are living two different lives and it's not from the lack of like love or understanding on either side. It's just, you kind of like a lose a bit in common. At least that's how, I don't know, it feels on my side. I'd say like, I still would um like to be invited. i just, I would lower the expectations of like, I can't come Every time. And like, please keep including me. Like, it makes me feel loved. It makes me feel like an actual, like human. I am an individual person outside of motherhood, but I just can't come every time. Like, can we do something else? Like a planned dinner where I have like a few weeks in advance or something.
Speaker: Totally. But that part is just so hard. I feel like a pit in my stomach about my single friends that I don't get to see as much. And like I said, it's not from a lack of love. It's like, I also like, I have this fear that they're going to think like, my kids are wild and and annoying and and they're going to leave and go, I'm I'm so glad we see them, but I'm glad I don't have kids like that is like my biggest fear. I don't, yeah I don't know why that like, I'm so it's in my own head, but I feel like, um, no one really thinks that way. And if they do, they still love my kids. sure They're just not used to the chaos. So, but I, I agree. Um, do a little dabble of them in your life.
Speaker: Bring the kids to the pool. It's still fun. It is still fun. um God, you were saying that and I feel like, oh, my other advice to you is i think it is so game changing to have to make close friends with kids your same age. And so even I yeah like it doesn't mean that you like have to give up these friendships with your single friends that have been you've been friends with forever.
Speaker: I still have some of my best, best friends are single with no kids. But I do think that in this stage of life, it is game changing to have friends like that have kids at the same time, like in the same ages and to.
Speaker: I don't want to say prioritize, but to hang with them as like social because it it's it's a win-win for every everyone. Your kids have people to play with. They keep themselves busy. You get adult time. So if you haven't found your people within like that, that have kids the same age, that's also a advice of mine. It's my favorite life hack. It has been so game changing for me yeah and Chris and we've made friends with the parents. So definitely recommend.
Speaker: Yeah. Okay. All right. OMG. My four-year-old son who never wanted to come inside is now terrified to go outside. Constantly watching the sky for clouds and trees, for wind. We feel like prisoners in our own house. Nothing traumatic has happened and he goes outside at preschool just fine with no issues. We don't understand what's happening and he can or will only and open up...
Speaker: as like so much being a four-year-old boy. It's resulting in major tantrums and yelling on our part. Can't decide if it's more heartbreaking or frustrating. Any advice would be welcomed.
Speaker: that is like This is interesting. It's kind of funny. I'm sorry. No, it is funny. But I wonder, like did he see a bad storm or something? Storms are such a trigger. like He could have seen it on a TV show, like a thundercloud. It's so scary. I agree. I was also very scared of storms at a young age. And To me, this sounds like just um like a phase potentially. um And if it were me, I would try not to make a big deal about going outside. I'd be like, hey, I think I'm going to go outside and blow bubbles if you want to come.
Speaker: You can come. It's just for like a minute. I don't know. I'm going to have fun. And like I would make it seem like I'm having fun outside or I think i'm going to draw a chalk like I might draw a Batman if you want to come. I don't know.
Speaker: And like kind of make play a little game with him and like coax him. outside. A little trickery, if you will. um And just like do that for a little bit. And then hopefully he starts to like warm up to the idea of being outside. um But yeah, that's kind of funny.
Speaker: I would say also like
Speaker: I don't know if this is – I'm just a parent like the rest of you. I don't know if this is good advice or not, okay? But I feel like if you were if you were in a moment where you're like, okay, we have to leave. Like we're trying to leave. He's throwing a huge tantrum like – we got to go My go-to is always just to stay completely silent. And like after you've, if you've tried to talk them, obviously there has to be some communication like to try and get them. But if they won't and they're just freaking out, my best advice is to literally just pick them up silently. I do not react to anything they do and I get them outside and I put them in the car and they will scream and I will literally just
Speaker: silent. I just let them do their i let them do it. And then they calm down and we'll talk about it after they calm down. And I'll explain that they're safe and blah, blah, blah. But I feel like it's when you make a big deal and you try to argue and you yell is like when it's almost like That's what activates them, their like bigger reaction. And if they start to learn like, Hey, we're always going to go. So I got to just suck it up. That's kind of how I feel about even so like what I used to say about switching Alice to the big girl bed. Like I just would silently take her back to her room and put her back in her bed. There was no, until eventually she was like, all right, I guess this is always going to happen. So like, I should just suck it up. Um,
Speaker: That would be my. Yeah, but it's so true. As hard as it is when they get out of the bed, you have to always take them back. Because if you don't, they're going to be sleeping with you. i know. ah But I agree. The silent treatment does work. This happens when like my kids have tantrums. I just look at them and I'm like, I'm going to let you do that.
Speaker: And i'm not calm me down. One of my mom hacks, and I think it applies to the situation, is one of the things I taught my girls, and they say it back to me all the time, is i will I have taught them that my job as their mom, like my number one job is to keep them safe. That's my number one job. So if there is something that they want to do that they can't do – Like in just in any situation, I will, I will literally ask them what's my number one job.
Speaker: And, and they will say to keep you safe. And so they know, and that's like, they know if I'm trying to keep them safe, like there's no option. My, my number one job is to keep them safe. So I feel like if you start to teach him that maybe, and you're like, what's my number one job to keep you safe. I'm going to keep you safe. There's no wind. There's no storm. I'm going to keep you safe.
Speaker: I don't know. No, i agree. and And it's kind of funny. Like my kids just started using the word brave a lot. I don't know why. um Like Margo, she's never really said that she's copying Graydon, but she, we have to go downstairs to get in our car. And she's like, I'm scared. I'm scared. And she went down there and then she came back but back up and she's like, I'm brave. And Graydon was like, what does that mean? And so then I had to explain it. I was like, it's when you're really scared to do something and then you get over your fear. Like that's you being brave. And
Speaker: I don't know. Great advice. Keep it. Yeah. Rolling. This next one I think is hard. Oh, no. Says, expecting baby number two in December and we'll be moving into a new house right before. We want to transition our toddler, we'll be two and a half then, to a floor bed once we move or do we just buy another crib for baby? My toddler is also still obsessed with the pacifier, primarily used for nap and overnight, and he's moving into a new daycare class where they will start introducing potty training. So many big transitions coming up all at once.
Speaker: bringing home, including bringing home a sibling would love any and all advice on which transitions to tackle pre slash post baby or wait on. Thank you.
Speaker: Um, this is a lot happening at once yeah and we went through something similar. We moved again. We didn't bring home a newborn to our new house, but we moved when Graydon was turning three and Margo was turning two, I guess. I don't know. Maybe he was two and a half and she was one and a half when we moved. I can't remember.
Speaker: But we were on the cusp of big changes. And if I were to give advice, would find a Facebook marketplace crib, keep that child in that crib as long as possible. like that would be say the same That would be my very last transition. like I know you're moving into a new house and Having two cribs sounds so silly, but I just wouldn't i wouldn't rush that one thing, which the bed is their safe place. He will be ready. I would get something so cheap. like that you I don't know. We borrowed one from a neighbor that their kid was five, and they're like, we just have this sitting in our garage. And I was like, I'll take it. like yeah That sounds great to me. um And as for PASI, that was probably my hardest transition.
Speaker: I don't know. Yeah. I mean, my biggest advice here is to not do them like all at once. yeah I mean, obviously there are there are things that are inevitable, right? Which is the new house, like that has to happen and the sibling that has to happen. So here's here's what I'm thinking. the Let daycare deal with potty training. I wouldn't touch potty training yet. It's so If he's moving into a new daycare class, like just let him start to dabble potty. And I say him. I guess I don't know if they said he or she. But let them deal with potty training. It's the best advice I could ever say is let go and let God with the school teaching them. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. So let them take that off of your plate.
Speaker: Yeah. And then i agree. Keep them in a crib as long as possible. I think that you could try to give up the pacifier. i think that there is a way to do it.
Speaker: Like I definitely wouldn't do new bed and give a pacifier because they're going to come crawling out being like, I'm, I can get out of this bed and search for a pacifier. Okay. So I would, i think you could do that, especially if you're only using it right now for nap and overnight. I think that you could give that up. um You know my stance on that. I've talked about it. I'm a cold turkey girl. So I would probably pull that even before you move maybe. Like that should be, i think you could get rid of that first. You have to do it now because the baby might have one.
Speaker: And you have to get it out of their head that they don't want it anymore. Yeah, exactly. You to do like way in advance. Yeah. Like the sooner you do the pacifier pool, the better, yeah i would say. And I can tell you from experience, like the giving it up, like the anticipation of giving it up is much worse than the actual giving it up. Like you think it's going to be some big thing and it may feel that way for like one night and then it's easy peasy.
Speaker: Yeah. I think that was the anomaly anomaly there, but... Graydon just could not self-soothe. And like we did sleep training. We did all the things. But wow, it it took him a second. And that's OK, too. Yeah.
Speaker: But we also had the bed kind of in the room. And the thing that soothed him was having the crib still. So he slept in that crib forever till he was almost three and a half, which Margo is about to be three. I keep thinking about the bed.
Speaker: And I'm like, I should probably like buy one and do the same thing, like put it in the room, have the crib in there, let her choose. Like that was a a great transition. Like it was easy, but we'll see. We'll see.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Well, good luck in all of your transitions. This is a lot happening all at once. So my other advice here is to like, give yourself some grace. Like if he wants, like, if you don't want to do any transitions other than the newborn in the house, like fine, that's fine.
Speaker: Like, you know, like don't feel like you have to do anything. Give yourself some grace. Like this is a lot of change all at once. So Yeah, I would say he love at least give out the PASI, let school do yeah potty training, and you're good. Don't worry about the bed for another year.
Speaker: Yeah, agreed. Agreed. Okay. this next one, just the first, all I've read is the first sentence and I'm like, Ooh, I feel this in my bones. Okay.
Speaker: I just can't seem to get my part partner to take control and be present with our nine month old daughter. You feel that in your bones? Yeah, literally.
Speaker: Yes. I like that sentence alone. I mean, my, i don't have a nine month old daughter anymore, but like, Still, um he will do the obvious of feeding her or holding her. But when I want an hour break to myself, he panics. It's causing friction between us because I am a working mom. I'm a night shift nurse. And I feel like regardless what day of the week it is, I am always taking care of either my baby or patients. So I never really have time to myself.
Speaker: Unless it's bedtime by then I'm so beat. Sometimes I think that because I have a daughter and not a son, he feels like he can't connect as easy until she's walking and talking. This is our first kid so I can understand the fear behind it all, but it is not the newborn trenches.
Speaker: It has gotten so much easier. However, he's still overly cautious. Any cry or fuss, he immediately hands her back to me. When he does relieve me and takes over, i don't like how he manages her, and I'm trying not to correct him as much so that he can build his confidence and not feel like whatever he does is not good enough.
Speaker: How can I work to fix this? His fear of failure is overcoming his parenting and ultimately affecting our relationship. I become the bearer of the responsibilities. I won't ever complain about mothering my child, but mama needs a break too.
Speaker: I could have written this. I really could have. um Especially if you're someone like me who just feels comfortable being in charge. Like I am a leader. I am like, I just feel more comfortable doing it myself. um Unfortunately, I'm so sorry to tell you, but you are cultivating this this culture.
Speaker: And i it took me so long to realize that I had to let it go and let him fuck up or do it a different way in order for him to actually help me.
Speaker: And if you're going to have a second, it is going like, there's not going to be an option. He's going to have to be a present caretaker and one that you trust. So you have to start like flexing that muscle now.
Speaker: And it's so funny because i was in the opposite position. yeah My husband was a nurse, a natural caretaker.
Speaker: And I was the nervous frickin Nelly. Like I have never been around a newborn. I didn't have younger siblings. I'm the youngest cousin, like nothing.
Speaker: But me being a woman, i recognized immediately, oh my husband's going to go back to work and I'm about to be alone with my son. And I, after about a week of like Chris just like naturally doing it all, like, oh, the baby pooped. He would just change the diaper. Oh, he's the he just like would naturally gravitate and do things. I finally had to say, you have to stop and let me do this or i am going to be terrified when you leave. Like I'm so used to you helping me.
Speaker: So I agree with Candace. Like it might not be the way that you would do things, but you have to let him do it differently and alone or he will never learn. You are his way right now. You are becoming like the manager of, of childcare, which is great. Like,
Speaker: Obviously, now I am the manager. Like I do things better than Chris. Right. But we we are both great and we do things differently. um And the kids are fine.
Speaker: And yeah, like she said, when you have to you kind of have to like tag team, you have to separate. So you got to figure it out some way and you just got to let him do it. Yeah.
Speaker: What is most important is that obviously he knows the safety things, right? Like the way she sleeps, the way she eats. yeah Like, you know, obviously if he's not, if he's not clued into like that sort of stuff, like to keep them safe, he's going to need guidance. Everything else. like engaging with her, playing with her, he has to learn it himself and you have to give him the space to do so. And it's honestly great, Whitney, that you told Chris, like, you have to let me do this. There's probably a chance that this man is not going to say that.
Speaker: Okay. Like Vinny did not say that to me. i had to be like, I have to step away and like literally remove myself from the room, the house. You have to go. you have to leave. The baby needs to like literally be crying and you say, I'm going to Target.
Speaker: you have to figure it out. I'm not going to be here. Like you just have to, and you have to be the big, you'll have the biggest pit, but he is the father. He will figure it out. And i would also like, I think that a conversation needs to happen to before you start to flex this muscle of like leaving him and you have to have a conversation. That's like, listen, listen,
Speaker: I need an equal partner in caretaking for our child. Like I have to be able to trust you to walk or to do everything she needs to do, like all that stuff. You have to have a conversation with him and really to say like, if you want our marriage to be in a great place, if you want our family life, to be in a good place. If you want a second child, like this has to change and happen.
Speaker: I would hope if he's a good husband and a good dad, he would be on board and be like, okay, I'm ready. And even a little pep talk, like my friend Lauren was saying this, um, to give your husband compliments on things that you know that he feels like lackluster in. Like you need to say, i trust you and I know you can do this because that's what he's feeling nervous about. Like I know. I just.
Speaker: What? Go ahead. Well, I just talked about this in therapy about how like men are such a,
Speaker: like men are such simple creatures. Like Vinny did something so simple recently. And she was like, did you, did you tell him that he did a good job? And I was like, I didn't because to be honest, that's what he should be doing. And he was, she was like, you need to make sure you tell him he's doing a good job when he does a good job. And I was like, okay, they're like dogs. They need a treat. Honestly, i forgot to give him a treat.
Speaker: Yeah. Just compliment him anytime like he feeds her. Be like, thank you so much for doing that. Him, her. I don't know. I do trust you. If the baby's crying, you got this.
Speaker: I think it's hard to. We're human. Yeah. Yeah. i want to run away as well, but I can't. That's how I felt. Yeah.
Speaker: It's tough sending you love though. My goodness. It's I like I could have written that message for real back when Alice was there's always it's crazy now though like yeah There's always going to be a parent that's like the preferred or the one that knows more whatever. But you've got to have like equilibrium in the home or you become like resentful and then you don't realize it's a pattern until it is and then it gets so tough.
Speaker: This next one. My almost three-year-old is really into testing her boundaries and my patients. Tips for tantrums while out and about. Am I awful if I just shove her full of snacks so I can grocery shop in peace? We we redirect at home, but when I'm in public, I just do not have the energy nor time.
Speaker: This literally happened to me. Did I say this already? This literally happened to me on Saturday. Graydon and Chris went to get a haircut. And Margo's like my my chill, my good girl. You know, like she's like go with the flow, Margo. And she's rearing up into three. So things are starting to switch here.
Speaker: um And she wants to be just like Big Brother. We go to get in the cart at Target. She starts screaming, no. She wants to walk. And i don't like that shit because then she runs away from me because she's a runner. She's a track star. So she's freaking the hell out. Like, like I'm picking her up and she's scrunching. Won't put her legs in the car. Oh my God.
Speaker: And I just looked at her and I said, guess what, Margo? We don't have to be here. i know you wanted to come today, but I, we can walk our happy butts right out of here. i don't care.
Speaker: I was like, and I know you wanted to look at baby dolls because your birthday's coming up and she straightened her legs out and sat back down. But I was like willing to remove ourself from the situation. was like, this ain't worth you like and embarrassing me. um But I normally try and stay calm. I will like pull my kids in a corner and like get down on the ground at their level and talk to them and ask like what's going on. Like,
Speaker: It's hard. It's like one of those you see people looking and then you're embarrassed, but it's so normal. Like, oh my gosh. So incredibly normal. Yeah. It happens all the time. um I'm just I feel you on that. Yeah.
Speaker: I have definitely been in this situation and to be honest, so much like I'm just kind of reiterating what you said, Whitney. I always like act. I speak calmly. i act calmly. i never i hardly i try. i shouldn't say ever because it happens. But I really try to not like escalate with my own movements, actions, words. And i will – and I – especially if it's a situation, like you said, like going to Target where like I don't have to be here. we can cut I can come back later. By myself. You know, without you. yeah Happily. Drink. Yeah. If it's a situation where i like have to get something done and there's no other option but for me to like do it with them, i will
Speaker: I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with like, here's a snack and like, we'll talk about this when we get in the car. I, I think that that is fine. I think that with tantrums though, at least my thoughts here are like, you, you,
Speaker: Actually, I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know. Well, it's hard because you don't want to reward bad behavior. yeah But if you are in public and the snack is what's going to calm them down, I don't think that that's like necessarily like rewarding bad behavior. It's just like, yeah let's let's level the playing field here because they're going to calm down, which is initially what you want. like You kind of have to pick your battles. And then it's like also good advice, like what you said, is like have that talk with them once you get in the car. I think also to have...
Speaker: Yeah. I think also to have preemptive talks. Very If the grocery store is a place that you know like is a common place where she has tantrums or something, if she wants something, i i have done this dozens, hundreds of times probably where I will be like, hi, we're going into Target right now.
Speaker: Okay? And I know that you're going to want a toy. I know. Today, we are not getting any toys. I know. And I will say like – Christmas is coming up. If you see something you'd like, we can add it to your Christmas list for Santa. But like, it's all about managing expectations. And I do think at three, they're starting to understand that because like two is where it's iffy.
Speaker: Evie's almost two and a half and I feel like she still is not quite understanding things, but I feel like at three they're able to like understand. So to have like manage those expectations going into something and be like, listen, if you, if we throw a tantrum, we will leave. And you know, something like that. Or like if, you know, if you know a snack, like for grocery shopping, like you can be like, listen, I will give you one snack and That is all the snacks we'll be having in this in the cart, what whatever, blah, blah, blah. But it's all about managing expectations. And I do think that at that age, like they are able to like understand that.
Speaker: um so Yeah. Yeah. yeah But it's tough, man. of all the times that it's happened to me in public and yeah we've grown past it in same thing as candace like my god i have a barnes and noble like so thought in my head of margot running away from me while we're waiting then this longass line at barnes and noble And I just dropped all the books and grabbed her and grabbed Graydon and we left and oh my god I felt so bad for Graydon. He was sobbing because he didn't get to have his book because Margo was acting a fool. So I Amazoned that night and got it for him the next day but either way
Speaker: Solidarity, sister. Like, it sucks, but they're growing out of it. Graydon's grown out of it. Like, it's just like, once again, a phase. Thank God. It's so embarrassing.
Speaker: Okay, but even like what you said now about the Barnes & Noble thing, like, in my opinion, moving in silence and calmness is so much more powerful than... like yelling and all of that. Like whenever I do that and I just move in silence, I will pick them up without saying a word and we will leave. Alice is like, Oh, okay.
Speaker: I know. Like she knows. She knows. God's scary, mom. Yeah. She's like, fuck. Silent but deadly. no literally.
Speaker: Well, this has been so fun. I actually really love these episodes because I feel like we get to touch on a lot of different topics. Yeah, that was fun. And and we still have more questions, but i know. Time's up, baby.
Speaker: Time is up. I got school pickup already. It's been like one hour and then I already have, I'm already on my way back. Go get in line. Seriously. um i got to figure out where I get this QR code. Like no idea where that is. I'm worried. Thrust out for you, but let me know how it goes.
Speaker: All right. Well, i love you guys. Thank you so much for writing in We are going to do one of these every quarter. um Maybe I'll start including this link in every show notes episode so that you can always find it there. um If not, it will be in the highlights of our Instagram as well. So go find it there. and See you guys soon. Thank you. Bye. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right. Got to go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.
