Transcript
Speaker: Hello and welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast where positive parenting meets wellbeing. I'm your host, Laura Onger, teen life coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. And today the show is all about having your child adjust to their new life in college and about you as a mom or dad adjusting to life without your child living at home.
Speaker: So first I want to start with a story about when I dropped off Abigail just last week. My favorite part of the drop off was we kind of finished everything we were going to finish with the move in on the second day. And then we had kind of all afternoon. We went out to lunch. We went out and got coffee. We're almost kind of killing time at that point. and our favorite part was just once we got back to her room,
Speaker: I just sat on her bed with her for a little while and we just chilled out. We just talked. Her roommate's mom and sister were there and her roommate was there and we were just kind of hanging out. And that was honestly kind of my favorite moment before we said the dreaded goodbye.
Speaker: But that kind of made it a little bit easier just because we had time to finally breathe. So I do highly recommend that. you know, I'm sure most of you have already moved in your child if if you do have one going off this year. um But just, you know, keep it in the back of your head to try to build in some extra just hangout time towards the end. So when we did say goodbye, we walked outside.
Speaker: And, you know, I realized at that point after raising her for 18 years, there was not much more I could say. It was I love you. um be safe, make good choices, right? All those classic mom phrases. But I just hugged her over and over again. we both got tears in our eyes, but for the most part, we ripped it like a Band-Aid, right? I didn't want it to be this long thing because, you know,
Speaker: There was no need, right? Like we've been talking all summer about her going off. And by that point, it it just it was what it was. And we kind of had both accepted that. ah So today I want to give three tips for moms who are either having a hard time or are concerned that their child is having a hard time adjusting to being away from home.
Speaker: And that's even if you have a child that who's just 30 minutes away, right? I have lots of friends whose kids go to UT and that's just literally a very quick, easy drive, but they're still living a new life. They're still in a new place.
Speaker: So the first idea is just that accepting that the first two weeks are gonna be kind of messy, right? Like you're not really sure yet and they're not really sure yet what the rhythm is and what the routine is as far as just getting settled in communication with you, what that's gonna look like,
Speaker: And so I did have an agreement with Abigail i ahead a time that we would talk on the phone once per week. That idea came to me just because, well, A, it's a great idea to have that set up in advance.
Speaker: But working with clients, I've had moms who are stressed and annoyed that they aren't communicating as much or not hearing as much from their child as they want. And they get really frustrated with that. So sometimes I've helped mom and daughters come up with an agreement about what that looks like. But the origin of that is really that's what my parents asked of me when I was in college.
Speaker: They're like, can you just call on Sunday evenings? Like we would just want to hear from you every Sunday. So I'm kind of continuing that tradition with Abigail and asking her to call me on Sundays. And I've actually been shocked that she's reached out to me several more times besides that. Texts, some phone calls. And i think that's OK, right? Like we don't want to judge.
Speaker: how much communication you're getting in those first two weeks. Because again, everything is new. We're just trying to set up a rhythm. And so I really encourage you moms, if you are kind of stressed and annoyed to just ask your child, hey, could you reach out, you know, on this time, on this day, or what's good for you?
Speaker: I've seen some moms who literally like know when their child gets out of class and they're on a break between classes. And then that's when they start calling and that's when they start texting. And, you know, that's not really fair to your child, to be honest. They need to...
Speaker: have a say in when that communication does happen, when that's best for them. It might be they get out of class and they're walking with their friend to go get a coffee or go to the library. And maybe it's not the best time for them to talk, right? So we we don't want to be stalking our child. You know, I'm saying that joke as a joke.
Speaker: We want to have a mutual agreement about what's best. And then again, just like those first two weeks, just kind of everybody needs to give themselves some grace. The next thing is really the importance of your child finding their people and finding a way to belong.
Speaker: So I have coached lots of clients on this. And I literally, I will sit on a coaching call and and and say, okay, get on get on the school website, get on the portal, whatever, wherever this information is, and I'll wait.
Speaker: And, you know, I have them scroll through the list of clubs that they have available. And I literally say, okay, when's the next meeting? Do you have to RSVP? What what do you have to do? Where is it? Can you put it in your calendar?
Speaker: Sometimes kids really do need help with those baby steps. As as as much as it sounds silly, right? They're very highly intelligent human beings, extremely academically talented. And yet sometimes they need do need a little bit of handholding on getting started.
Speaker: Sometimes when kids just don't know the next step and they don't know what to do, just having them getting walked through those steps is really, really helpful. And so much so that I do want to place that emphasis on that being the priority versus you checking up on their classes. And yes, of course, we want to ask about the classes and the professors. We're paying a lot of money for them to be there.
Speaker: But if they don't find a group at the beginning, it just makes the year so much more difficult. So again, it's like at the beginning, really encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone if they're not the most comfortable meeting new people. i literally have to coach clients through what is it going to be like when you walk into that club meeting? who are you going to meet? Who are you going to talk to? How are you going to present yourself? And they do get very fearful at times. So it's important that they just feel safe, that they know they can take this healthy risk. And if it it doesn't work out, maybe those aren't their people, maybe they don't like the club or whatever, that at least they tried it once. And so I would just encourage over and over again to just try everything one time until they find a group. And then just like high school, it doesn't have to be this big group of people, right? I always say, if you have one friend, you're doing well, it's always always helpful to have maybe a few more because again, friends can come and go. We could go our separate directions and and that's okay.
Speaker: But just, again, having somebody maybe to eat lunch with or maybe ah a study partner in a class, anything like that. So again, I just want to put the importance on finding people and encouraging that. The third thing is, you know, it was it's been so strange this first week adjusting to not having my daughter in the house. I'm so used to her being here after 18 years. It feels strange. And so, um you know, I do miss her. and And I have told her that, but I want to encourage moms to not put that on their child. um They are not responsible for your feelings. And it's okay to say, I love you. I miss you. It's weird not having you here.
Speaker: But we don't, again, want to be putting that emphasis on them because they need to start kind of branching out and living their own lives. And I know that moms know this for the most part, but it can be real easy to kind of slip into that you know slippery slope of you know, texting a lot, calling a lot, checking in a lot, all because of your feelings, like what how you're feeling. And again, we do kind of want to put their needs first. And we kind of, again, want to get that rhythm.
Speaker: But when we are checking in, it's not because of us. we We do want to put them first and just show them that we're showing their support. We're showing our support for them. We're showing our interest. We're asking questions. But again, it's not to satisfy any type of anxiety we have or grief that we have about missing them.
Speaker: So that's about it. You know, I think that covers those kind of first two weeks of just kind of like navigating this change and, you know, figuring out this rhythm and again, encouraging that belonging and those healthy risk taking. I think if I were to throw anything else in there, especially a mom of a daughter, i have stressed importance of physical safety over and over again, because this is new, right? Just because a kid is is is a college student,
Speaker: doesn't mean that they have been raised in a family that that, you know, respects women and respects their bodies and respects their safety. um I was telling Abigail, it's kind of like, I feel like I just dropped you off in Manhattan and just said, you're on your own. And I just want to remind her that, you know, you're not in Kansas anymore. You know, when you're in high school, there is a certain more kind of higher level of safety that you have. There's this accountability because all the families live within, you know, for us, it's about 20 years.
Speaker: I don't know, about 20 square miles of each other. And if something happens, you know, we're going to find out and things are going to happen when you're at college. You just kind of lose that accountability. And that's not to put all the responsibility on the girls keeping themselves safe. I'm the mom of two boys as well. And I am going to be obviously always reminding them to be respectful of girls, but also to kind of look out for girls' safety, right? They are tend to be the ones who we do have to be more concerned about.
Speaker: So that's about it. Short and sweet. I hope everyone's doing well. I know um it's a sad time and then it's also a beautiful time and it's an exciting time. i mean, you know, the whole goal is to work yourself out of a job. And I feel like after 18 years, I've worked really hard. And um I feel like it's time. So I'm so happy for, you know, just getting to experience this as a mom, right? We should be patting ourselves on the back, kind of mission accomplished. We did it. And so congratulations to all the moms out there. And if anybody has anybody coming up, this is going to happen in the near future. Please don't hesitate to reach out. I'd be happy to coach you through what it's like. And as always, be well.
Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link rate this podcast.com slash TPH mom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation until then keep up the good work.
