Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Navigating Feeling Overwhelmed Through Coaching
75 Plays5 years ago
What started as a discussion about feeling overwhelmed, standards, and effort turned into a live personal coaching session. Karianne opened up and danced with the coaching questions I asked her and didn't deflect or make it about hypotheticals, something easy to do when put on the spot in a live recording. This is one you won't want to miss.
Support the showRecommended
Transcript
Introduction and Setting the Tone
00:00:06
Speaker
Here we are. Anyway, what do we got today?
The Workout Program and Mental Exhaustion
00:00:17
Speaker
Well, we just did, I did a workout. Yes. We programmed TFS today for the gym. Yeah. Which was a originally between the ears workout, wasn't it?
00:00:35
Speaker
How so? I feel like you programmed that. Yeah, I programmed that before the practice started before I had the practice though. But it was in the spirit of like between the years workout. Yeah, for sure. So it's 50 reps of like a dumbbell complex. Yeah. It's like a man maker on steroids. Right.
00:00:59
Speaker
And you asked me this morning, like, are you going to do this workout? And I really did not want to do the workout. And it's not really because it's like the world's hardest workout. I mean, it is very hard, but I guess part of me like didn't feel like doing the work, not physically, but just like mentally.
Feeling Overwhelmed: Mental and Physical Challenges
00:01:21
Speaker
I'm also in the practice 2.0 and I thought about
00:01:25
Speaker
I'm at week three, I haven't started it yet. And I guess today I sort of felt like I hit or maybe yesterday and today, kind of just like being overwhelmed, I guess. I don't know if it's like the Groundhog Day or the overwhelming notion of like, just the unknown or I don't know, because when I think about it, like there's nothing inherently I'm unhappy about with our current situation or I don't know, it just felt it but it did feel overwhelming.
00:01:56
Speaker
What does overwhelming to you feel like? Um, I guess it depends on the situation, but in this case, kind of just like the wind came out of my sails a little bit. Okay. So instead of feeling like, yeah, I'm going to like get up and like do the cold shower, like, yeah, that that's awesome. And I'm going to get out on a walk with the dogs and feel like good and
00:02:26
Speaker
You know, bring value to the day. I kind of feel like a little bit exhausted, fatigue, fatigue, I guess. And, and more so because it's like, can I keep that up for X many number of days? Can I keep that? I guess it's overwhelmed by the thought of what if I can't keep up that, like go get a attitude for another 300 days.
00:02:54
Speaker
So is, is feeling overwhelmed to you more of a thought or is it a physical feeling? I think it's both. What does it physically feel like? Yeah, physically it feels a little bit like agitated, tired, um, sometimes like kind of numb, like just without that
00:03:20
Speaker
Not butterflies in your stomach, but you know when you're having like a day where it's just like you just want to crush things and like life is great.
00:03:27
Speaker
There's like a feeling with that. Not that. The absence of any of that. It's interesting because you're good at identifying what it doesn't feel like, but you're struggling with identifying what it does feel like. Yeah, I'm saying in contrast to the sort of butterfly energy kind of like tingling feeling of excitement and I don't want to use the word motivation, but
Understanding and Responding to Overwhelm
00:03:49
Speaker
let's just use it for this. Yeah, you're inspired. It is more of a dullness, numbness, kind of hollowness.
00:03:58
Speaker
Which is interesting because when I think of people that are overwhelmed, I wouldn't think of, you think of anxiety. Yeah. And more so anxiety, more of this nervous energy, like maybe, um, and see, I think the agitation for sure. I mean, you know,
00:04:15
Speaker
Did you just burp my face? I didn't mean to. I just burped and I realized this microphone was not a barrier. Anyway. Yeah. Of course everyone, and you're not feeling overwhelmed wrong. Nobody is. It's your experience. But what I think is interesting about that is looking at the physical
00:04:38
Speaker
experience that exists when you then classify you feeling overwhelmed. So are you feeling overwhelmed or are you just tired? Yeah. Well, I guess when I look at mentally, that's where I come up with the overwhelmed piece.
00:04:56
Speaker
Sure. Because it's like, well, why am I feeling this way? What's going on in my head? And then when I start to connect the thoughts, those thoughts are like, okay, those to me sound like being overwhelmed. So that's where I end up with that label. So then how do you respond? So it sounds like you're aware of the fact that you're overwhelmed. Perhaps. Sounds like you're overwhelmed by
00:05:22
Speaker
the current situation, which is a little bit different than if I was studying for a master's degree, working a full-time job, and a single mother. Me being overwhelmed in that situation would probably be very different in terms of the feelings versus being overwhelmed in the current situation, which is not really being able to change scenery, not really going out much.
00:05:48
Speaker
kind of repeating a lot of the same things. See what I'm saying? So like the situation, how you're overwhelmed, what you're overwhelmed by, I guess would determine the feelings. So when you're overwhelmed, and it sounds to me like when you describe how you become overwhelmed, it's less about there being an overwhelming amount of things.
00:06:14
Speaker
master's degree kids job physical fitness social relationships like it sounds less about there being this like excessive amount of things right and more so the opposite but the monotony the you know the one one one one one one one everything is the same yes the overwhelming nature of that yeah like if you said if I said you're gonna meditate okay this isn't
00:06:44
Speaker
Not a good example to use you. If you asked any average person, you're going to sit in this room and stare at this wall for seven days straight. Yes, please. They would feel probably overwhelmed by that, even though there's zero task. That's where I'm at. So you're overwhelmed. Okay. So you're overwhelmed there. And I think that that makes sense.
00:07:06
Speaker
You do not get really overwhelmed by 50 items on your list. You get overwhelmed by one item on the list or that same item being on the list over and over and over. Yeah. I thrive. I feel can't really use the word good because that's such a, what does that even mean? My tendency is.
00:07:29
Speaker
Like in my mind, if I'm thinking of how would I tackle this feeling, some of the thoughts I've come up with is like, yeah, I should, I would like to bake something today. We'd like to get back to doing some more interesting cooking today. So I feel like I, and I don't think that's necessarily wrong, but in that one, one, one, one, one, it's like my solution to that isn't about doing less. It's about doing more, I guess.
Metaphors of Monotony and Coping Mechanisms
00:08:00
Speaker
But so today the point of why I brought up the workout was that workout is one, one, one for 25 minutes. And you know, the weight for me was like, I don't even want to say it was, it was the right weight. It wasn't too heavy, but it was a weight that was appropriate for me because like it wasn't a throw away. It was also a weight that recently you've chosen not to use.
00:08:31
Speaker
I've been using that 35 on every workout. I thought you were using 25s? No, all the... I mean in the past, we'll say year. Yeah, in the past year. Yeah, that's what I mean. Not the past four weeks, the past six months we'll say. Yeah, so anyway, I didn't have any other option today. And aside from that, it was like the point wasn't to get the fastest time. No. But that workout, there's not really much escaping the monotony.
00:09:01
Speaker
And after one rep, knowing you have 49 of these and the one took a lot, it was just the overwhelming nature of like, I guess some of it's like knowing how each of those things is going to feel. Yeah. I know how it feels now when I put my knees up off the ground and I'm like ready to go for the first row. And I know how it feels when you're crouched down and you have to get your shit together to do a dumbbell squat, clean thruster.
00:09:30
Speaker
how each of those lunges is going to feel. And then kneeling down again, not letting go of the dumbbells. Well, you put in a tremendous amount of work and you really don't get rewarded if you look at how many I have left. Right. And that's, you know, when part of the, why this was a between years thing was because it was like,
00:09:51
Speaker
Yeah. Work really hard and guess what? Like you're not going to get like a good job at the end of it. Not to say that don't give people good jobs, but like keep doing the fucking work. Right. And yeah, there's no distractions. Five reps is like, so what?
00:10:09
Speaker
Yeah, but what it takes for you to accomplish five reps is significant. But doing five reps compared to 50 is just like, oh my God. So there's a very overwhelming nature to it in that it is requiring a ton of energy if you do it right.
00:10:29
Speaker
If you just go through, so what it is, is dumbbell row, dumbbell row, dumbbell pushup, squat, clean thruster. Great. Jump your feet between the dumbbells, squat, clean, thruster, squat, clean, thruster, lunge, lunge, front rack, lunge, front rack, lunge, and then other side lunge. That's one. Um, and ideally not letting go of the dumbbells now, not letting go of the dumbbells. Once you've done it that way with that standard, you kind of, I don't think can
00:11:01
Speaker
No, it would be like a complex. Like if you go deadlift, hang clean, front squat, press. I mean, between reps, your whole thing has been keep your hands on the dumbbells. Now, part of that is to stay connected to, it's kind of like walking away from your square, right? Like staying engaged with where you're at. Yeah. And I think, you know, so there's a version of it in the practice that that's part of it. And then for, but for this one, there's not like this one is just like, right. But once you've done it that way, I think.
00:11:30
Speaker
Like it's a natural thing to continue. Well, again, it's a thing that you can choose to do. And in something like that, in the presence of being overwhelmed, we often focus on what we can't do, but you know, or something out of control. But this is like, you still have a choice to stay in it because the, I think that the,
00:11:53
Speaker
not the remedy to being overwhelmed, but a helpful tool when feeling overwhelmed by the one, one, one, one, one, or the huge list of things is to be present and focused and sort of, you know, aggressive in the now. So stop.
00:12:16
Speaker
So I guess one of the things with that that relates to the current state and just to be honest and make it personal is like the way to like, there's a pressure. I guess when I thought about why was I getting overwhelmed during the workout?
00:12:44
Speaker
I think a lot of it was like the pressure to, I should, I should be going faster. Come on. Right here. Yeah. All of our listeners know we have a dog and that there's the UPS people. So I guess then I thought, well, what is the pressure? Why do I feel like I have to go faster? Like why the pressure and the same thing with being overwhelmed.
00:13:13
Speaker
And the thing about why I'm overwhelmed right now, a lot of it is external pressure that has nothing to do with.
Pressure, Standards, and Mental Well-being
00:13:20
Speaker
So, so do you want to dive into the workout or the non-workout part of this? I think the non-workout part is more relevant. Who cares? I mean, I mean, it is interesting though, just real quick. Why did you feel pressure to go faster? Um, yeah, like I didn't want to be leaning on.
00:13:42
Speaker
I didn't want to be letting myself off the hook with like, it's okay to like take your time and go slow. Like you should still be like killing yourself. Okay. That, that entered my head. Like, like, like don't use the excuse to just like, Oh, well it is hard. I should take a rest and I want to be very like purposeful. So it's like, well, if you can do another rep, you like don't be,
00:14:09
Speaker
like weak in like not executing that rep. So you think that because you're not going fast or killing yourself, you're a shitty human human being. Not a shitty human being, but that I'm not doing my best. I'm not working as hard as I could.
00:14:34
Speaker
But what if you were to say, what if that each rep you did was like super intentional, movement quality was good, felt the most? Right. I guess what I was saying is I should maximize the pace that I can go while maintaining that. You want to challenge yourself. Yeah. And so that question of like, can I go faster? Am I just, am I taking an unnecessary rest or can I go faster? Like that was very much.
00:15:02
Speaker
But I don't know that that's that unusual. I mean, in it you're thinking like, shit, like, do I need to keep resting or can I, can I do another rep right now? Yeah. Um, so that was that pressure of just like work hard. Yeah. Which is also though programmed into it intentionally because there's only so fast you can do that.
00:15:29
Speaker
You know, if that was burpees or kettlebell swings or running, like, you know, something that's more cyclical in nature that you can go faster, sort of without thinking about. I guess I mean the rests. When you finish a rep, there is this huge like invitation to, to rest. And in that space of resting is like, okay, like let me.
00:15:55
Speaker
I gotta get, like, you have to do another ref. How long are you gonna rest for? How long is enough time? So that was some of it. That was the pressure during the workout. What about outside of the workout? Overwhelming being pressure. What's the link you're trying to make? Yeah, I guess it's almost the same. Am I doing enough? Yeah.
00:16:22
Speaker
Am I doing enough and not really like for me, I mean, what more can I do? What more can I be doing? Like the gym right now is my focus, I guess, for work, for my purpose. And it's like, okay, having this guest on, is that a good idea? Is that offering something of value to people? Was that a stupid idea? Is that not what people want? Do they want something else?
00:16:53
Speaker
Am I wasting people's time? How much longer are they going to find value in this? That pressure is a constant every day. And that pressure is coming from how you think others are going to act. Yeah, it's not from any actual feedback. Nobody has emailed me and said, I thought that was not valuable, or I don't like what you're doing, or I think you should be doing this. It's just my own
00:17:24
Speaker
worry that that's what's happening, that I am not doing enough. Something is lacking. So, I mean, I guess my question is when do you ever know? When do you ever know if what you're doing is enough? When do you ever know if people are going to find value in it? When do you ever know the answers to these questions?
00:17:51
Speaker
When was the last time you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that apparently across the board 100% success? Yeah, you don't know. But I think there's a lot of even with like, in my personal life, when I think of
00:18:13
Speaker
Am I doing enough? Am I doing enough in our relationship? Am I spending too much time on the gym? Am I too tired at night? Am I putting too much effort into our cooking? I mean, it's like there's a lot of
00:18:35
Speaker
That same, that same gap between reps is what I experience a lot of. Like it doesn't matter how hard I went and how awesome that one rep was. It's the like, the focus is on like, well, I'm resting too much.
00:18:50
Speaker
It doesn't matter like if I did cook an amazing dinner or we had a great day or I had an awesome, taught an awesome class. It's like, shit. I don't think I spent enough time with Bill today. Like those are the, that's what's always looking for what's not there. Yeah. Not what's not there, but like, yeah, what's, what could be better? So what's the remedy for that? Well, I guess it's focusing on what is there.
00:19:19
Speaker
Yeah. Um, I do also feel like from a real action, tangible thing, it's like having communication and getting feedback. So in our case, that's kind of easy simply saying like, is there something you need
Communication, Feedback, and Balancing Needs
00:19:40
Speaker
from me? Right.
00:19:42
Speaker
or for the gym, you know, it could be a survey. Hey, is this something you're finding valuable? Yes or no? Just to course correct if it's not. What if I said, yeah, I need something more from you. I need, you know, two hours at night where we can just distraction free. That's all we're talking about. It's all we're thinking about. And you're already, and you already feel like you're giving the most that you can give that you are doing your best.
00:20:13
Speaker
Then what? Well, I'd like to say that then I could tell you that, but to be honest, then I would feel really deflated. Like I am like best effort. Like I'm giving my best effort right now and it's not enough. So there's a, there's a inherent flaw in valuing yourself basically off of other people's wants and needs.
00:20:44
Speaker
Right. I guess I interpret that to be honest as like, yeah, I'm doing a shitty job as a wife because I can't meet your need. Right.
00:20:54
Speaker
But the thing is, you don't know why I need that. You don't know where I'm at. You don't know where, if I'm saying, yeah, you're not doing, I could be completely ignoring opportunities, missing opportunities. Um, that could just be when I want to have two hours of free time and that could be, you know, not considering you. So if you ask me, just like people at the gym, if you ask a survey, Hey, what do you guys want?
00:21:19
Speaker
That, I mean, sure. Okay. What people want is obviously something we have to pay attention to. And, but you can't give everybody what they want. And I think that when you were to say, okay, I'm going to search for feedback, but these questions are the wrong questions. The answers you would get would be not the be all end all. Do you know what I mean?
00:21:49
Speaker
So what is the answer? I don't know. I mean, I don't think anybody has the answer for what some individual like has more. No, I mean, I guess what's the answer to.
00:22:02
Speaker
navigating that difference. So if I'm saying, I feel like I'm giving everything, I'm exhausted at the end of the day, I'm doing my best. And you say, I need. And then if I come around and kick you while you're down and say, you're not doing enough, I need two more hours, and you're like, two more hours, are you kidding me? Or like me, because now it's, then it would just be all about me. And I think any sort of relationship, be it with others or with yourself, you have to see both sides of it.
00:22:32
Speaker
And so for anybody, I think for people who I think are in relationships, it would be like, look, this is where I'm at. I am exhausted. I feel like I have some hesitations. I have some concerns. I don't know how to fucking handle this. I'm navigating this uncertainty. It is 1111.
00:22:54
Speaker
And I have no idea if I'm swimming in the right direction. And now it's like, okay, that's way different than, Hey, what do you need from me? Cause it's like, yeah, depending upon who you ask, it might just be like, take, take, take, take, take, take. And so I think in that overwhelmingness or being overwhelmed as well, there are some value to looking at, okay, like,
00:23:21
Speaker
what really is it about this situation that I'm not, that's not like that I'm overwhelmed by, but like, how am I operating within this situation? What am I giving? How, how is that responding? If, if, you know, you're not doing enough. I think the other thing, and we talked about this yesterday, just you and I were chatting about, cause yesterday morning I was kind of,
00:23:47
Speaker
I think it was yesterday morning. It kind of, I was sort of starting to enter into the space. And one of the things I realized is worse than feeling like that. Okay. So like, then there's overwhelming nests and I feel like, okay, like, so maybe with you now I'm thinking, you know, is does bill think I'm, am I providing enough time for bill? Am I doing enough as a wife?
00:24:15
Speaker
Are people at the gym happy with the value I'm providing? Then the next step for me goes to like a self-defense mechanism where it's like, well, if Bill can't be happy with what I'm doing, I'm doing my best. And I can't believe that's not acceptable to him or well, people at the gym, you know, they wanted this and then nobody showed up and now I'm creating.
00:24:40
Speaker
not only something that potentially wasn't there, but I'm building in a bigger story that then fosters resentment, which I think is something that people that's, as we've talked about, the resentment piece can be really the, the problem more so than the initial concern. And that is that energy
Physical Workouts as Mental Metaphors
00:25:03
Speaker
drain. So, so, so, I mean, today that workout for me, and this is why I think,
00:25:09
Speaker
We've talked about it before. Talking about things is important and obviously like you coaching, your coaching and your ability even in this to like coach me through that and have me think about it differently is extremely valuable. And then on top of that, having that experience in a movement where I'm not thinking, I wasn't thinking during that workout about you or about the gym. No.
00:25:37
Speaker
but it was such a objective way to frame how I perceive things. And that is where like the movement stuff, there is so much value. And obviously you coach that class and providing those cues. I mean, sure, it's important to hear, keep the dumbbells close, whatever, but the reminder of like all the other things of how you're approaching it was really where the benefit was.
00:26:04
Speaker
and having that experience to walk away from and be like, wow, okay, I did do it. It was one, one, one, one, one. And how did I have to shift and focus and what came up and all those things that you can't get out of just sitting around and talking? No.
00:26:23
Speaker
The other thing I said was like, you need to honor where you're at. And if that's putting the dumbbells down and taking a break, then that's what it is. But you then like accept it and, and, and action it like with everything you have. And so if it's taking a break, then it's taking a break because it's.
00:26:47
Speaker
It's not going to, you're going to have to take a break anyway. Anyway. So one of the things I think about the over being like the overwhelmed, especially when we think about like what we're moving is, yeah, like, can you accept like how you are being in this present moment?
00:27:09
Speaker
I think is like a major thing and because being overwhelmed by either external stimuli, pressure, environment, whatever that might be, it could be coronavirus. It could be 55 pound dumbbells. It could be people, whatever it might be, but like,
00:27:27
Speaker
The external environment isn't going to be what helps you resolve feeling overwhelmed. It's the internal environment. It's you that's going to navigate amidst that. And so looking at, can I accept how I'm being right now, either good or bad. And then kind of put that in air quotes, but like.
00:27:48
Speaker
Yeah, this is my best right now. And you might have to like, have a come to Jesus moment with yourself or yeah, I don't have two more hours at night to give. I'm absolutely doing my best. I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to help. I'm open to whatever but like, can you accept how you're, how you're operating?
Self-awareness and Personal Growth
00:28:09
Speaker
And I think that that's a tough one. That's really a tough one.
00:28:17
Speaker
I think though that the practice of doing it, I think today having the awareness, I mean this morning I just journaled just a little bit and jotted some things down, but certainly that's where the practice of recognizing that stuff, it certainly is easier. I think in the past I would have probably cascaded into
00:28:42
Speaker
maybe an argument or something till I like hit that breakdown point. But I do think this morning I did, I was able to sort of recognize like, yes, where, where am I? And as I said, like nothing has really fundamentally not changed.
00:29:06
Speaker
but like not looking at the external environment. In other words, like how can I internally re shift my not, I guess perspective's a word, but like, what do I need to do to, as you're saying, except where I am. And I think I'm owning that and proud that like I did that today without my previous
00:29:30
Speaker
way of handling things would be to not recognize it and then just have it continue to build until it finally hit a point of like, you know, rock bottom or getting pissed off or having an argument or whatever that end of running into a wall looks like. Yeah. I mean, I think that just paying attention to the internal thing, can you recognize the signs?
00:29:57
Speaker
Can you see the signals? Can you feel them? That's gonna be, I think, where the answer lies. Because, yeah, hey, give two more hours at night. That's just a tactic. That's just a patch.
00:30:16
Speaker
But it's not that maybe it's not that maybe it's like, no, you need to go to bed an hour earlier and maybe we can carve out 30 minutes at the middle of the day. Like, so there's any number of approaches and ways to skin the cat, which is why I think that, you know, there's like this whole one size fits all thing. Not that I mean, I'm not pointing at anybody when I say that, but you know, I kind of am actually not a human being, but
00:30:44
Speaker
all of the solution. I got an email. I get, I, I subscribed to medium. I don't know why I subscribed to them anymore. Some of it's interesting. Most of it's garbage. It's like 11 things socially intelligent people don't say seven, this eight of those. And it's like, the problem is it's just,
00:31:15
Speaker
It doesn't have any context. Right. And you're not going to go through your life. I keep saying this, but you're not going to go through your life. And when shit hits the fan, you're not remembering the quotes. You're not remembering the list of 13 things the emotionally elite do. You're not. You're not attached to you. And they're all rational things. And in stress, especially stress environment, your rational mind fucking abandons you.
00:31:44
Speaker
Your brain shuts off front to back. Guess what's in the front of the brain. Most of the, where that rational decision-making kind of stuff is, prefrontal cortex, all of that. It goes, that's the first thing to go home front to back. And the role of our emotions is way more powerful.
00:32:06
Speaker
We, we, we look at how other people are operating. Like, and that's the other thing. Like we have to pay attention to the external environment. We can't like probably, it's impossible to say, no, I'm going to completely ignore it. Cause that's not good. Nor is it realistic, but like looking at our internal emotional environment, our, our internal states.
00:32:31
Speaker
to then connect to that. And, you know, I think what happens when we're overwhelmed by something, we're disconnected from ourself and we're only looking at the external and not now, either past or present, past or future, I'm sorry. And I think mostly with the overwhelming, it's going to trend towards the future versus on the grief, sorrow, regret, that's going to be more towards the past.
00:33:00
Speaker
So the other thing that that workout brings up that I know like we talked about addressing today also was like the standards. So how do you see that fitting in or maybe it doesn't fit into this but that is an element of that workout.
00:33:14
Speaker
do the practice if you want to figure it out. Honestly, that might sound like an asshole answer, but like it's a workout in the practice that the people who do it, there's plenty of people who don't do it because they say, fuck that. That's way too hard looking. I'm not going to do it. Okay. You want to figure it, you want to get the answer to that and do it because the other thing is that's five weeks in.
00:33:38
Speaker
The person you started and then like, so if you just go do that workout right now versus if you did the practice and then five weeks, so right, you're going to be a different person. Well, you'll have uncovered more to when you get to that point to bring with you. So if you want the full experience, revisit that and do or sign up and do it. Obviously I'm going to try to answer it though as well. Or I guess standards as it relates to the current environment. Like what does that mean to you? Irrelevant of the workout.
00:34:10
Speaker
My personal standards. Yeah, like how are you using like and maybe this environment or this current state Isn't really having an impact on you. I don't know it is like How can how would you see using standards as a way to do you see that as a way to navigate? The day-to-day yeah for sure. How am I being? For me it always goes back to the how
00:34:35
Speaker
Ironically, standards are usually like cold and like, Hey, you either met it or you didn't. Great for a test. Understood. You know, for, for in the military. Yes. You either hit the target or you did not. You either did this or did not. You pass, you failed.
00:34:56
Speaker
I'm sorry, I have yet to really encounter a pass-fail in your normal daily, especially internal emotional response to life. And so I think that when we start to look at the standards, and that's part of the practice thing, it's like starting to question and rip apart our approach to standards.
00:35:20
Speaker
I have high standards. That's something that we hear often. I'm just somebody who has high standards and said, OK, do you have high standards or are you completely inflexible? And that's a major one. Why have you never asked me that? To save our marriage. Oh, my God. You're already my hardest client. Your hardest pro bono client. Well, I mean, but that is yeah, I mean, that
00:35:49
Speaker
I don't think I've ever literally heard you say that and that certainly resonates. I think that's very inconvenient to think of it in that way. Well, here's why I haven't really said it because that can be jarring and it can be accusatory and it can sting and not everybody's ready for that.
00:36:06
Speaker
And it's funny, I was on Christina Prevett's podcast, she asked me about authenticity and why do you sometimes struggle with it? And I said, there's not a fucking cell in my body that's trying to be somebody else. That's not what I mean by my struggle with being authentic. My struggle is more so not like,
00:36:27
Speaker
actually being me because I don't want to be like actioning and presenting that like saying like look like not not going the other way of like being like well I'm just gonna have some just brutal honesty and if you don't like it you couldn't hear it you're weak and you're a pussy and fuck you it's like no I'm not saying that but it's like having things within me that I feel strongly about but that I know
00:36:51
Speaker
Like pulling punches really is like, it's like sharing with me that statement is kind of pulling a punch versus being authentic. Yeah. Or, and yes, with you, with others, like there's a lot, I think that, and I also recognize that the, the more recently, the world in which I operated in.
00:37:11
Speaker
there's some gold in that world that this world, like that just, there's, there's currency in the world of being on an ODA that has no value in like the quote civilian world. But finding how you exchange that is, I think what, what I'm trying to do and trying to, to figure out because there's some things and there's, I mean, being a small business owner, being customer service, there's a lot of stuff where if it was on the ODA, if I were to call up,
00:37:41
Speaker
If I were to call up Nick, old Nick Whitting, and say, look, here's the situation. Hear me out and just read an exchange. I mean, first he would laugh. Like an exchange from this world. Yeah, an exchange from this world. He would be like, are you kidding me? Right. Because those two worlds are the world of the military.
00:38:03
Speaker
Like that group that you were in, how, how people talk to each other, how people operate the, the, the standard, ironically, the expectation is very different from this world where there's a lot of, it's not as stripped down. And here's a perfect, here's a perfect example. This is kind of a joke, but it's also not like, like there's truth wrapped up in every joke.
00:38:29
Speaker
Tell someone the standard response. And, you know, like the kind of thing was, hey, if you, if somebody told you, good job, you told them to go fuck off. I have probably allowed that to influence me more in this world than I should because it's so translate that because I think you assume that people know what you're talking about. The point of that being like.
00:38:55
Speaker
In this current world, a lot of people, civilian normal life, people want to be told, hey, you did a good job. And that's part of the exchange. You did a good job. And then someone's normal response would be, thank you for being praised for doing a good job in your world.
00:39:15
Speaker
It was kind of like the fuck you response is sort of like, because I did my job. You did your job. Good job. I mean, what is a good job? You did your job. You don't need to be. My job is to be able to do stuff, high level stuff, impressive stuff, whatever it was like. So. And the difference of those two worlds and what you're saying is navigating how you.
00:39:40
Speaker
Yeah. Right. And so the essence of that, I think, is for the individual to approach what they do with the buy-in, the ownership, the accountability, and the passion to do it very well and to not expect or need
00:40:03
Speaker
over the top stuff. Now you pull somebody out from a burning building. Yeah, that's not just like, yeah, that's, that's one thing, right? Or are you, there's different types of things where it's like, yeah, you went above and beyond. That's why there's also different types of valor metals and all of that stuff. Right. But here it's like, just because somebody did their job,
00:40:27
Speaker
Right. They want a pat on the back. They want that recognition. Right. So you got to that point by talking about, you were talking about authenticity being yourself and that, I'm not sure how that related to the standards. Well, I think what I was trying to, what I was trying to use that as an example of was there's ways of thinking, ways of being that I
00:40:54
Speaker
am aware of, I don't know if I necessarily have it figured out on how not to have it be like kind of a blast to the face of things. And so the last thing I want to do is misrepresent or, um,
00:41:18
Speaker
have the value and the essence of the message lost because the the delivery was kind of off and so I try that's a struggle for me because there's some things that I can say very directly that have a lot of I think value and people need to hear
00:41:34
Speaker
And frankly, some of it, it's like, well, you just haven't been exposed to it. Different people haven't been exposed to different things. And I have not been exposed to a lot myself, but that's where people learn from others is by their exposure, by their experiences. And so for the standard, somebody that says, and I've heard this a lot with people and I, and, and some of my clients, um,
00:42:00
Speaker
different people might be at different positions and different readiness levels. I think as a coach, you always have to evaluate that, but being like, yeah, I have high standards. I would say that like, I'm sorry, it's not that you have high fucking standards. It's that you're completely inflexible and you're not adaptable or at least presenting that question. I think the one thing you do very well is you're not the judge and jury of when you coach people, you're not making a judgment on people.
00:42:28
Speaker
For me, if I really truly believe that I'm not inflexible and that I like that's not a problem, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. Oh, that's an interesting thought. You know what? Actually, I do think I'm pretty flexible. And so that's an interesting question you pose, but that's not something that upsets me. If I, if that stings and it's upsetting, it's probably because there's some truth in it.
00:42:51
Speaker
So I think my point is just presenting that to people and they have to make that decision on their own. Like you're not necessarily making that judgment. I mean, maybe you can make that on me because you know me, but like, it's really just for me to decide. Am I?
00:43:07
Speaker
Is it really about having high standards, whatever that means, or is it about for me being inflexible? But that's exactly the thing though. And that's where the, the standard or standards being only based on one criteria, binary pass fail one or zero fails to consider the human being. And part of that is why standards.
00:43:34
Speaker
like are needed. Right, so for the games or for sports. For games, rules, yeah. There has to be that because it can't be a subjective thing. It has to be as objective as possible. This is where the dumbbell starts, this is where it finishes, regardless of who you are as a person. Otherwise, it would be a very unfair
00:43:54
Speaker
Right. But then you look at, let's look at leadership. Let's look at you or somebody who is in a position of power or have leadership. And there's now other human beings involved.
00:44:11
Speaker
The human factor is the X factor that trumps everything else that's not going to be on paper. That's going to be measurable. That's not it. If we want that, then we're looking at creating robots and using drones and having bots and all of that. As soon as human being gets involved, every and any kind of prefabricated plan is worthless. Right. And so if we.
00:44:39
Speaker
okay nice catch we um we had the camera just get knocked down but we're recovering is it yeah that's good
00:44:56
Speaker
Okay, and the dogs are up here. High quality production here. This is why standards don't actually matter because you're still listening, Riley. Anyway, so I think that what I'm trying to say with standards, if I can recover, is that
00:45:14
Speaker
They're not as clear cut as in life. They're not as clear cut as we want to make them out of. They're not. And it's not to say don't have any basis for which you can ascertain good, like better, not as good. Like I'm not saying just have a complete anarchy.
00:45:36
Speaker
but consider the human being. So for personal standards, especially for this thing, for being overwhelmed, for dealing with COVID, for all of this stuff. That's where I go back to time and time again, you have to look at the how. Right.
00:46:01
Speaker
And this workout is a great one too, because you could do, I've seen people, I've coached classes where people are doing dumbbell rows and they're dog shit. And they look like crap. And it's like, the thing about that is for this workout in particular, it's not even really about the dumbbell has to go here or there. It's about knowing, like knowing your standard for yourself and what you know, like is your standard.
00:46:28
Speaker
I mean, I think that's the point. It's like, what is your own standard? And if you can't even respect your own standard that you set up for yourself, then that's a problem. Sure. So it's not about my standard versus your standard. But if my standard is that I have to use my knees, but I'm going to keep my hips.
00:46:46
Speaker
I'm going to put my knees down, but I'm going to keep my hips even because I can. And then by rep 20, it's like, no, that's just too hard. I'm deviating from my own standard that I set for myself. Why? Because of a faster time because. But that's part of the thing too. It's like, if your standard is to do this, let's just say you go dumbbell row, dumbbell row, pushup, squawking, thruster, lunge, lunge. And you're saying my standard is to keep my hands on the dumbbell the whole time.
00:47:17
Speaker
That's not a personal standard. That's a performance outcome based standard. That's a what if your standard is I'm going to be intentional and give my best and be try to extract the, the, the, like the essence of the movement and stay committed to it.
00:47:36
Speaker
every time. Okay. That's a standard now. And if you're best at that moment is I, if I do the movement, I'm going to just abandon the quality mechanics because it's hard because I'm fatigued because of whatever, but I'm going to get it done. Right.
00:47:56
Speaker
then it's like you've abandoned your own, your, your personal standard for a performance standard where now you're not really actually doing it in the first place. And so under times of adversity,
00:48:08
Speaker
Yeah. Like your performance is your, your human being, your performance is going to dip when you get fit. Like fatigue is common to all. And so performance is going to dip. Yeah. The, the very best, like, and that's all like, you look at Michael Jordan, he's got a thing coming out and like, he was my hero as a kid. And, uh, anyway.
00:48:31
Speaker
The dude was remembered for winning six world championships, MVP, game-winning shots, and he missed way more game-winning potential shots than he made.
00:48:44
Speaker
And would you say he was a failure? He didn't uphold his standard because if his standard was when I get the ball at the end of the game, I make that. Right. It's like, well, first of all, you're you're you're probably going to be wrong. Sure. And it fails to consider all the other human beings such as can the guy inbounding even throw you the ball? What about the dude guarding you? What if like all of that stuff and it puts it on the performance?
00:49:09
Speaker
But on the personal, it's like, I'm going to be the person who steps up, who wants the ball, who does everything in their power to get it, to put myself in a position to hopefully make the shot. That's different. And so letting the performance, letting the action kind of come to fruition, but being able to accept how you operated in it, I think is the. Yeah. And back to what we were talking about.
00:49:38
Speaker
before the standards, just to your point, how are you being? Yeah, I mean, I don't know how many different ways we can say it, but it's also like, well, let's try to, we have to then consider how many different ways we can be it. And for this thing, for me, like how am I being? When I feel antsy or when I feel overwhelmed or I feel down or when I feel frustrated, like, all right, can I pay attention to the signal? Right.
00:50:04
Speaker
and then understand like, how is it driving me? Cause it is. And like, how am I being right now? And then looking at within myself, like who, who sort of am I and how do I want to be and how can then the what be a reflection of that versus just the tactic, the slapstick kind of patchwork that fails to consider the human being. I don't know if any of that made sense.
00:50:34
Speaker
Yeah, it did. And I think not to again, like say the same things, but, and that is something that takes practice. It takes practice. It takes work. It takes failing. It takes sometimes forcing it. It takes, well, it also just takes pausing and stopping and recognizing yesterday. I really had to think like,
00:50:58
Speaker
and that was a moment for me an external thing that I was traditionally would point to saying this annoyed me and then I realized in pausing and I sat down and I did nothing and I just stopped and I realized it was not the external thing like sure that might have been annoying
00:51:17
Speaker
but it wasn't about that. It was about me and where I was coming from and how I was being. And then the next question was, okay, how am I feeling? Well, I am feeling agitated. I am feeling on edge. Okay. Why am I feeling that way? Like, so now it's not, and that is huge because
00:51:32
Speaker
Clearly, like, and then that continued. It wasn't an immediate fix, but I could at least recognize before I took it out on this external thing. And that's the whole thing. Like that is, that's kind of the whole thing is like being aware of how our actions are, are coming to fruition. And that's like awareness and just having unintentional action.
00:52:02
Speaker
Is mindless and you don't have to be like the whole having the mindset or being mindful It's not the flowing robes sort of like pie in the sky kind of zen like it's just fucking paying attention right and I I say that not being like accusatory to say that people aren't paying attention but like the essence is looking at the energy behind the action and
00:52:26
Speaker
And I feel very, very strongly about trying to come up with ways in which that can be experienced. So we have a practice group finishing up. They're the last, probably forever, the last group to have a formal start and finish date. I mean, who knows what's going to happen. But they were coming up. So this thing, and there was a client, there was a participant who was in China during this thing like before, you know, like in January.
00:52:56
Speaker
So this group is finishing on up. And one of the guys is like, you know, I think that a lot of this stuff is really good if it's caught, not taught. I was like, that's a really cool way of putting it because it's, you know, experienced. It's through interaction. It's not just like sitting here saying, here's the concept. Now, like, like, like, you know, neo-ing you in the matrix kind of thing, or uploaded and complete. Like it's not, it's not a function of that. You have to experience it.
00:53:20
Speaker
you have to experience it. And so looking at the energy behind the actions, the intention behind the actions, while not having it be perfect, the perfect plan that doesn't consider the human being where then all it does is look at the action. So it's this, it's this interesting cycle, I think, of, um,
00:53:42
Speaker
of intention and execution that is being mindful. It's not having the running water and the music and the chill thing. You could be mindful while being
00:53:59
Speaker
totally unaware and checked out. Well, no, I mean, you can be doing those things. What's interesting about that is you can have the running water and sitting on a pillow, crisscross applesauce and not be present or aware at all. So that's not synonymous. Right. And you can be mindful while being.
00:54:15
Speaker
actively engaged and aggressive and getting after it. And I think that, you know, that's really the cool stuff. Different types of getting after it type things are going to create different experiences, which is. And today was for sure that it is a really great combination of like, it is hard. It is overwhelming, but that was a really great
00:54:44
Speaker
experience and taught me a lot. And what's funny is I've done that workout multiple times. Yeah. It wasn't like, Oh yeah, I feel, you know, it was, it was a different experience because who I am is different now than it was when I did it the last time. Yeah, for sure. Thanks for the coaching. See how I did that. Just turned this podcast into a coaching session. I do see how I did that. How you did that. You made up for it by catching the camera as it was
00:55:16
Speaker
Timbo, timbering down the- You with your neck, you wouldn't have been able to be nimble. You just swash it. Don't rule me out. All right, so- I mean, that was good. We shifted a little bit because of that
00:55:31
Speaker
Experience today. I think it was like kind of fresh and yeah, you just finished I think it was you obviously I could tell you had an experience so be cool to capture some of that and and all of that so Alrighty. See you guys next week