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What Am I Looking For?
87 Plays6 years ago
I have struggles, beyond just recording this episode. When I consider my contribution to my perspective it helps me find what I am looking for. All too often what is being 'found' is external without awareness of looking for it. This one might be messy, but that's life and that's my experience I want to share with you and honor the intent of this podcast.
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Transcript
Overcoming Initial Recording Challenges
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello. Alright. So... I want to admit something.
00:00:10
Speaker
It's actually pretty much a first in doing this. And it's been today rather has been not a good start to the recording of this podcast. I've clicked record stop and delete about 70 times. And I think I've probably gotten past one minute, like twice.
00:00:37
Speaker
man that really bothers me I don't have a script so it's not like I'm you know reading a book and I'm totally butchering it or or whatever it bothers me more because it's it's my inability to to accept
00:01:03
Speaker
like the pursuit of trying to just make this thing happen and instead it's like Hiding behind like no it needs to be perfect. It needs to be the most you know articulate and clean and polished and like That's what it needs to be and It's not today. It's not if I wait for that today. I'm telling you right now. It's not gonna happen. I won't record and
00:01:34
Speaker
That is like a really big theme in my life. And that is something I perpetually struggle with. And I think it comes from a good place. Like I will say, man, I don't know. Maybe I need to, I probably need to check this often, but it will come from a good place of like, well, you know what? Like I have high standards. I expect this out of myself.
00:01:59
Speaker
I want to excel and advance and, you
Perfectionism and Its Pitfalls
00:02:06
Speaker
know, identify weaknesses and improve them and like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. But that's not what this is today. At least like there's no reason to, to continue the cycle of, of,
00:02:28
Speaker
of using 30 seconds of a recording and immediately dismissing it. Well, it wasn't this. It wasn't that. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't clean. I, the dogs are barking like, you know, how many excuses are you going to find? And here's the deal. I am really good at finding what I'm looking for. And if I'm looking for an excuse,
00:02:56
Speaker
You better believe it. I'll find one. I'll find a good one. I'll find a bulletproof one. And that's what I've been doing all morning, all morning. And I have a pile of work I have to do. And I'm wasting my time. That's like what I'm telling myself. It's not worth it. I should just stop.
00:03:25
Speaker
And it really bothered me today. And I know for a fact it bothers me because it's just a different expression of something that I've been trying to get better at.
Self-worth and Execution
00:03:44
Speaker
And then by that I mean like,
00:03:49
Speaker
executing without perfection, executing without knowing everything that's gonna happen, you know, just just being okay with fumbling through some things or being messy or, you know, whatever. I've struggled with that, man, you know, and
00:04:17
Speaker
And when I struggle with that, I can find the slippery slope is I'll find the direct line to questioning my own worth.
00:04:34
Speaker
direct shot. I'll take something like that I'm not good at. And I'll fumble around with it. And then I'll label it as an as an example of why, you know, I'm not good enough. Or why my or question bring my worth into question. And that's exhausting. Beyond just not being healthy, like it's
00:05:06
Speaker
It's exhausting. So, what do you do? Like, I'm in the same boat as a lot of folks. What do you do when that happens?
Internal vs External Validation
00:05:24
Speaker
And I really think it's a question of asking yourself, what am I looking for? That's what I have to look at right now. What am I looking for?
00:05:34
Speaker
Um, if I'm looking for a podcast episode, that is this intricate web spun of thoughts and ideas. And it was written by your, like, you know, Jordan Peterson or something like, I'm not going to find that. That's not me. That's an external thing. So what am I looking for?
00:06:01
Speaker
I want to look for honesty. I want to look for inviting you into a snapshot of what I've got going on. I want to look for whatever that looks like to potentially be of use for whomever is listening for you.
00:06:33
Speaker
And so if I can look at the internal, I can find action there that I can do. But if I look at the external, now I'm looking at something completely different, but it's that external that, that, that I look at often and
00:06:58
Speaker
then associate worth to or enough. Like I'm not doing enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not, you know, insert enough. And it completely passes over like intentions, beliefs, values, that sort of thing and dismisses the internal.
00:07:31
Speaker
And I guess for me, stopping every 30 seconds and deleting it was like a perpetuation of that. Cause I don't know what I like, what would have been enough in that point 30 seconds in said, hello, how's it going? Um, and then that's it. And it's like, ah, that wasn't enough. That wasn't good enough. Immediate dismissal without going through the process.
00:08:03
Speaker
without going through the effort of stumbling a little bit, working it out, accepting that, you know, today is a day that I might not be my best. Today's a day I might have to accept like, hey, if you want to release this thing once a week,
00:08:25
Speaker
and you wanna operate under a certain set of conditions, like you're not gonna script it out and pre-record or anything like that, and you're gonna be real time and present, then that comes with the territory.
Embracing Imperfection
00:08:41
Speaker
That comes with the territory. But what is it about, what is it about personal worth?
00:08:55
Speaker
that, that gets questioned by task execution. And I, and I see, I see a lot of people struggle with that. I struggle with it. And really, I think that the thing of value is like, how do we, how do we undo that? Or how do we re re re route that?
00:09:24
Speaker
So for me, I'm trying to do this episode. I'm trying to get this recording up. And I can't even get a minute in before I delete the damn thing. And then I turn to it and I'm like, well, I don't know what I'm doing. I have nothing to offer. And no one's even gonna listen to this stuff anyway. So whatever, I'm just gonna be pissed off.
00:09:53
Speaker
And like, that's not made up. That has been part of my experience today.
Focus Shift: From Failure to Progress
00:10:01
Speaker
And so, I found frustration. I found doubt. I found inadequacy. And I found all of that because I was looking for it. And I didn't even know it. I didn't even know I was looking for it.
00:10:24
Speaker
stumbling into emotions. No good. It's a dangerous thing. So stopping and for me stopping
00:10:44
Speaker
and asking myself, like, what am I looking for right now? If I can, here's the thing, if I can, I will accept that if I have found something, it is because I have looked for it. So if I'm in a position today, which I am, which I'm trying to do right now and work through this, that I am a bit agitated, a bit frustrated, not feeling good, like,
00:11:14
Speaker
If I can see that, okay, I can accept that. It's, I'm looking for that. I'm looking for the, for the thing that is bothering me and I'm finding it. So what else can I look for?
00:11:33
Speaker
Well, I can, I can, I can really look curiously at that and say, all right, what am I doing? I'm sharing with folks the fact that like, this is something I struggle with. I struggle with this need for perfection within myself. I struggle with the pressure and the self judgment when
00:12:00
Speaker
when when there's Something that pops up that's not perfect or that when a flaw happens or when I'm when I'm struggling with something like I struggle with struggling and On the other side like I love the struggle when I'm when I'm looking for that when I am looking For the struggle. Oh, man. I love it because it's because it's invigorating
00:12:31
Speaker
It can highlight so much to learn from, but it's that awareness in the moment that I still need to get better at. I still need to get better at being able to exercise. If, if awareness is a muscle, I need to be able to exercise that. And I need to, when I need to flex it, I need to be able to flex it. And when I need to know when an appropriate time to flex it is.
00:13:00
Speaker
So like before this, before this, this, this thing just picks up speed and going downhill and gets out of control, just, just, just completely, um, created a spin. Awareness and, and the timeliness of awareness. And a good way for me is to, to really.
00:13:29
Speaker
Ask myself, what am I looking for with the belief that I will find what I'm looking for? And I can drill that down from surface level, boom, boom, boom. Just drill it down and have it be really something internally, which is going to have positive, uh, impact on the external.
00:14:03
Speaker
You know, I, I struggle with while we're at it, I struggle with, um, I struggle with asking myself, is it all worth it? Is what I'm doing all worth it? I've struggled with that with some things in the army. Um, I struggle with that today and I don't, I don't,
00:14:34
Speaker
I feel like I don't really believe the question. Like, is it worth it? Like, I think, I don't know, like, I'm not sure what my relationship is to that question or even the answer there. But like, I know this notion of worth, the effort has, has, has been questioned. And I think what's, what's
00:14:55
Speaker
conditions and factors that have been in play when that question is presented is often an over-reliance or just more sensitivity to external things. Good and bad, I suppose. And if I'm just really just trying to, trying to target how that question can
00:15:23
Speaker
have a little bit less bite. I think I would say that if I'm looking at that question, if I'm asking like, is this worth it? What am I really looking for here? Am I looking for internal or external validation? And I got to say like the external thing would probably be what I'm looking at. Because I,
00:15:54
Speaker
I, I struggle with accepting that just because I'm working hard on, on myself and I'm, and I am. And just because I'm working hard on something that I do think is worth it with either between the ears or the gym, that it might be worthless to somebody else.
00:16:23
Speaker
And I've got to accept that. I don't have to like it, but not accepting it comes at the cost of investing into it more. And what a, what a waste. What an absolute waste.
00:16:43
Speaker
Because I'm looking for something that's not there. And guess what? I'm going to find it. I find it time and time again. It's not there, but by looking at something and searching for something that's not going to be there, I overlook what is there. And what is there if I want to look for it, I will find it and it is
00:17:15
Speaker
doing doing things that I believe in with hard work and honesty doing things that are not perfect but accepting that imperfection doing things with resolve when
00:17:46
Speaker
when it's tough to when it's tough to keep going that I can keep going and when it's time to like say hey I need a break like okay it didn't take a break and so all of that is is really what matters I mean that that that's like the life stuff
00:18:17
Speaker
I've, I've, I've attempted to, um, I've attempted to answer like what is, what is worth it or what is enough in a lot of different ways and a lot of different experiences.
Aligning Actions with Intentions
00:18:38
Speaker
And man, yeah, like time and time again.
00:18:43
Speaker
in retrospect, looking back, the things that have been enough, or the things that have been worth it, never have been perfect. I don't think I've been I don't think I've ever been a part of something that's been perfect, honestly. And yet, the pressure of of that perfection is
00:19:14
Speaker
is really felt. And it prevents progress from being made. You know, everyone's heard probably the quote, you know, progress over perfection or whatever. Yeah, I know. But that's like a quote. What about real life? What can I do?
00:19:41
Speaker
What can I do in real life, in real time, to have a greater understanding of my contribution to my perspective in life? And I really think looking at what I am looking for,
00:20:05
Speaker
is a step in the right direction. I don't know if it's the right direction. I don't know if it's always going to work for every situation and that's okay.
00:20:17
Speaker
But I really do think that for me, if I can ask myself that question sooner, say like 20, you know, record deletes instead of 70 or closer to real time, you know, if I can ask myself that,
00:20:39
Speaker
Right before I start but but no start and not get stuck on the stone on just like you know stall Then I think that'll provide a good direction And for me, I think a good direction is always to connect within Because I know I know my external actions are gonna Are going to represent?
00:21:08
Speaker
what I have within. And so yeah, like I don't want to have I don't want to have actions. I don't want to have actions. I should say I don't want to stumble into things that I find without without knowing why I'm there.
00:21:35
Speaker
And for struggles, I think that that's like a big part of it. You know, this, this, why am I here? Why is this happening to me? I don't want to just say victim mindset because I just don't want to honestly open up that. But when we're in struggle, it's like the, the acceptance of the fact that like, it's just happening.
00:22:05
Speaker
Why we like want to battle it and not for everything but for personal emotions For personal emotions that are generally on the negative side frustration anger, whatever If you can accept and you can understand that it is there because and you have found it because you are looking for it
00:22:34
Speaker
That will change. That will change how you view it and then what else you look for. It's simple. It's a simple belief. It's a simple play that you can make.
The Value of Imperfect Work
00:22:53
Speaker
I can tell you I feel better. I feel better knowing that I am going to
00:23:02
Speaker
click end of recording and say like, that's it. Like I'm not going to, I don't edit these things, but I'm going to put it up and I know I'm going to hang something up there that is riddled with imperfection. Perfection would be a lie though.
00:23:23
Speaker
If I spent the next eight hours doing this and crafted out a script and just to project what? Something that's not me? Bullshit. So I feel better. I feel better by working through that. By asking myself, what am I looking for?
00:23:53
Speaker
with the understanding that I'll probably find it and man like like internal internal connects me now and
00:24:09
Speaker
I am looking forward to actually really implementing this one on a daily thing as frequently and as real time as I can. Just ask myself, hey, what am I looking for here?
00:24:24
Speaker
I think it's a great check.
Seeking Feedback and Engagement
00:24:28
Speaker
So yeah, here we go. We're gonna hang it. It's not gonna be perfect. I'd like to, I don't know if I say this after all of them, but I want to know. I wanna get some feedback. I wanna engage with you guys. I've been chatting with some of you and it's always cool. It's cool to hear different experiences and different things.
00:24:53
Speaker
I look forward to that. I look forward to that as well. So anyway, that's going to be it for today. And I'll talk to you next week. All right.