Transcript
Speaker: I'm Zoe. yeah And I'm Alyssa. Welcome to Or's Divorced, the podcast where we navigate life as two divorced best friends and their late twenty s And we're really just doing this for fun, mainly because our friends have told us that we have fun stories that are worth sharing and we'll use any excuse to come and hang out and talk to each other.
Speaker: We'll talk about all sorts of things based on our own experiences and what we've learned through our divorces, from heartbreak to getting back out there really just finding yourself after a divorce or really any major breakup in your life.
Speaker: oh wait which one is it me do i say this oh we're not doing this to shit on our exes we both went through something really shitty and making them feel worse does not make us feel any better so this is our time to share our own stories everything that we've learned relate to others who might be going through something similar and give ourselves a little bit of therapy and just something fun to do together
Speaker: Okay, so today's episode is on love languages. and it's been a while since we both last recorded. So I thought i kind of wanted to do like an update on our lives and where we're at. I'm sure, you know...
Speaker: our listeners are really good. Everybody wants to know. They're wondering where are they, you know? So, um I don't know how we want to do this, but I literally just made some notes about my life. But maybe I'll just ask you, how's your life going?
Speaker: as You know, it's going pretty good. i really, it's really hot there. I really, I gotta look at my notes. She literally doesn't know what's going on in her life unless she reads her notes.
Speaker: ok ok Okay, okay, okay. I mean, the biggest part of my life, unfortunately, is work. I got promotion. Congratulations! Which is really exciting. Woo! But it is also like super nerve-wracking, so i have a lot of anxiety right now. But it's, I mean, it's exciting.
Speaker: That is exciting. Yeah. So you deserved it. You've been working so much. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. really have. actually got a good job from the owner of the company today. A good job? Oh, oh, oh, oh. He told me good job. He told you good job. like, yeah.
Speaker: second In an email with other people on it. So that was really rewarding. my God. That's amazing. Yeah. All right. So what else? Maybe you asked me about me. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go back. Do you have you have any work updates for um Not really for work.
Speaker: What was that funny? For us? Because men are listeners.
Speaker: Not really. I mean, i feel like my work has been really busy. I've been traveling a lot like present and I haven't really been home much. other Like i feel like we've been really busy. So it's been difficult to even see each other, first of all. And secondly, like sit down and like record something.
Speaker: So that's been kind of work's been like one of those factors that's making making it difficult. But no, not like too much on the work front besides like I feel like I'm working 24 hour days. I feel like you you are too. But like I work a lot with Asia and like I just feel I'm working nighttime all the time and it's kind of driving me insane.
Speaker: to but But yeah, no, that's it for me for work I have other things, but what else? What else is on your life? but Well, as you know, I've i've gotten back into therapy, so which is you know, something we talked about. So I'm i'm proud of myself for getting back in it. i'm I think I just had my fourth session literally today.
Speaker: ah Session number four. So that's amazing. You know, really getting to know my therapist at this point, but yeah. But I mean, yeah, I think there was a lot of things that I should have gotten in therapy about and should have been in therapy. But just, you know, a lot of the the people pleasing stuff I'm trying to work through, balancing some work stress, balancing stress of...
Speaker: ah new relationship. Oh! I was talking about that whole time. But yeah, and then, I mean, obviously, still kind of coping with the loss of my dad and processing divorce just in general, which, you know, this is therapy enough, but a professional is also nice. And then just kind of trying navigate, like, new and old relationships with, like, friends and family and then maybe we'll get into this at some point but potentially having to see ex more often than i have any desire to yeah yeah that's a whole thing yeah yeah yeah but that is good that's good yeah no i'm glad you're you're back in it because you've talked about wanting to and you've been a big advocate for it so it's good that now you don't seem like hypocrite
Speaker: that That is the only reason I'm doing it. I just want to be a program. But yeah I mean, i mentioned I'm seeing somebody. Are you? you Well, I'm like crunching onto my... I'm nervous.
Speaker: Well, first of all, with my like life situation, i had I feel like I've talked about a few times that I've had plans to move Amsterdam.
Speaker: Tell us how you feel. late Recently, recently got news. So I was about like nine weeks away from moving and i got news from work that they essentially like I feel like this is like a weirdly like like a Gen Z thing to say. But like like Uno reversed my decision. did.
Speaker: um Or their decision on my life. Like I'm some sort of pawn. Because other people do. Yes. So like, you're like, oh, never mind. That doesn't, that's not going to work. That isn't in line with the vision of the company, bla blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: And I was like shattered. I was like mortified. I think I called you. Mm-hmm. And I, at that point, maybe I had stopped crying and then I started again, I think, but it took me a couple days to get like, okay about it. Like I just was really down. There's not really any, there's no way for me to, I guess, combat or like negotiate the decision. It's been made. So that's like, kind of was like a dead end.
Speaker: Yeah. So I just had to kind of deal with that. But I think what I've, like, realized lately, especially with getting divorced, is sometimes, like, things seem bad or, like, they don't go your way. it makes it seem so minimal. they great Things don't go your way. You get divorced and cheated on and, like, your life falls apart.
Speaker: don't quite go to plan. Sometimes I feel like some of that stuff happens, so, like, other things can happen. that. And yeah, and I'm like, i was really set on moving. i'm going to do something else where like I go for a few months in the summer, like as long as I can go without needing a work visa or like a job to sponsor me.
Speaker: And I'm going to figure that out and still kind of like fulfill some of that adventure that I'm looking for, you know? But because of that, like because of that kind of getting like switched around and like having having to stay in this JD place, kind of had an opportunity to i kind of had an opportunity to start seeing someone.
Speaker: An opportunity. So I won't get too much into it. It's very new. But like, I think I even like wrote some notes here about like, I've been hyper fixated on being alone and doing everything like alone. And I have had some time to like,
Speaker: be alone and one thing that i think maybe you told me or maybe it was my therapist or maybe was my friends Erica and Natalie I can't remember because I think everyone was kind of telling me this but it's like don't get so focused on being alone that you're like forcing yourself to when like you don't you can find someone that will help you work through things that yeah you're not gonna perfect you're not gonna be like okay now I'm done and I'm ready like I'm better. it's yeah It's more of, am I ready? i think David even said this when we talked to him. It's like, you don't really know if you're ready until you try. And then you're like, wait, no, I'm not. Just kidding. That's how you know. And then you uno reverse out of that situation.
Speaker: yeah Which is kind of what happened before. But now I do feel like I'm in a place. Maybe it's the timing. Maybe it's how I've grown. Or maybe it's the person. But I do feel that I'm ready. And I really am enjoying myself with this person. I think they're very special. Yeah.
Speaker: And i don't see I think what's important is like, like, you're never going to be ready for anything like in life. is there Anything ever. You'll never ready. But like, there's never gonna be the perfect time for anything in your life. And it's like, as long as you're enjoying yourself, and like, you're genuinely happy, then, you know, do do what's making you happy.
Speaker: Yeah. And I think at this stage in your life, that's seeing this person. So I agree. i do agree. I've had like a lot of, talked to a lot of people about it and, you know, who knows what will happen. And I'm very like cynical about things now, obviously, and I'm trying to work through that. But someone had told me, i think it was my friend Alex, he was like...
Speaker: Even temporary happiness is happiness and you should enjoy yourself. Like, don't get so worked up about the uncertainty or where it's going or what's happening. If you're enjoying yourself now, you know, I mean, obviously that isn't like true to every scenario about everything, but like drugs.
Speaker: If it makes you happy, do it. So, but I don't know, like and that kind of was helpful with me and some of the uncertainty of starting a relationship. And then also like the last thing I'll say is, um you remember Dominique?
Speaker: Yes. Yeah. So I was talking to Dominique recently and telling her about like my trip and how are my move and everything, how it got like that got kiboshed. And I told her i was starting to see someone and and she was like, you know what?
Speaker: I actually think the best time to meet someone special is when you're not really looking. And I think that's what kind of happened was like, I was really set on something else. I had a mission and a plan and I wanted to be alone, but this person was so Special to me. and ah And this whole situation was kind of random in a way. I mean, somewhat random, but I don't know. It's not like I was hunting down someone to be with and I was like desperate to be yeah in a relationship. Right. And it's more of like I wanted to be alone, but this person came into my life and and and I want to make space for them because they are special.
Speaker: And so. Anyway, that was me. were What else is going on with you? know I love that room. Well, I already touched on, like, that I might potentially have to see my ex more often.
Speaker: and as of late, um he's kind of been... Reaping from the shadows. yeah Emerging. Emerging. Like a weed.
Speaker: um anyway Anyway, um just kind of coming back into the friend group. I don't want to interact with him. And it's not because there's any, you know, harbored feelings for him. And just like, you're not, I mean, I'm sorry. Who who wants to be around their ex-husband? I don't know. We got divorced for a reason. I don't really want to be around you. It disturbs your peace. It disturbs my peace. And it's like...
Speaker: You know, even when we were like really early on in the divorce process, so like I think both of us were kind of hopeful that we could be friends after all this. And then like shit just kept happening and happening. And I'm like, that ship has sailed. Yeah. Like we're not friends anymore. I don't want to be around you. I don't want to hear anything about your life. I just don't care. It's been a little bit of a trying time.
Speaker: Yeah. But navigat navigating through that as we do. Navigating as we do do. you remember when we first, on our first episode, on our first pilot episode, we didn't put together a script for the intro? Oh, God. Do you remember how how many times we said the word navigating when trying to?
Speaker: I mean, at least twice ascending. Oh, gosh. Thank God. A good idea of you to, like, put together a script. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, that was a good update, I feel like. you. Right? Yeah. I'm sure people are dying to know what we're up to.
Speaker: and just like, where have they been? So everybody can calm down now. Yeah. Fuck.
Speaker: Okay. So let's back up bit and talk about what... Wait.
Speaker: so let's back up a bit and talk about what wait Did we even say what the episode's about? We did. I introed that this is going to be about love languages. Then we took a big segue. And while while you're doing this, because you're flambering, have a quick story about love languages. like So when I went to go visit the person that I'm seeing, I wanted to surprise him. So I signed us up for a couple's massage. i tell you this? Yes.
Speaker: But i didn't I didn't get the details. Okay. Well, I'll just say this. i thought I thought it was a couples massage. I thought it was a surprise for him. It ended up being a surprise both of us because i didn't realize signed us up for a love languages couples class.
Speaker: You did that on purpose. No, I didn't. I didn't. But I was like, wait a second. We walked in and there was one bed, like one massage bed. I was like, wait a second. was like, wait, what have I done? And there's a woman and she's like,
Speaker: he looks surprised. And I was like, I'm surprised. And then she's like, welcome to the love languages, like session. And I was like, Oh no, what have I done?
Speaker: And she made us, Mind you, I've been seeing this person for like, I don't know, like a handful of weeks. And she made him like, were in robes. he had to stand in front of me and he had to give me words of affirmation and like tell me things that he liked about me. And I was like, oh my God, I hate this. I hate this for him because I feel so bad.
Speaker: He handled it really well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you did. But um anyway, good inspiration for this episode. So now that I've warmed us up for the episode of Love Languages. So Love Languages, Zoe, for your information, are different ways people give and receive love. The concept was coined by dr Gary Chapman back in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. So I actually, i texted my mom today. and I was like, I'm going over to Zoe's podcast. And she said, have y'all read the book?
Speaker: Oh, And I'm like, she's read the book? And yeah, she's, I guess, she just said the five love languages, not this little tidbit at the end. um But apparently there's also a work version, which What do mean?
Speaker: I don't know. She's like, there's a work-related version. Love language is book. I don't think that's okay. I think so I'm hoping it's slightly different because if you're. think that predates the harassment training.
Speaker: If you're, you know, showing your co-workers, you know, um lost physical touch. That's what I'm saying. Maybe questionable. Yeah. Okay. I'll have. We need I'm interested to know how what how you would apply these to work. But.
Speaker: And it'd still be okay. Maybe that can be part of our examples. We should. we should talk We should talk about... We should use a work example yes for each of them. Yes. ah Yes. Okay. That's a great idea. Okay. So, basically, love languages are how we show and receive love. And they're five the five different ways that, I guess, Gary Chapman decided.
Speaker: And those are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. So if your partner's love language is one of those five, and you're out there speaking another one, then you can find yourself and basically a love language miscommunication.
Speaker: so it's important to figure out what your love language is, what their love language is. And I saw this example that I thought was kind of funny. It was like, imagine your partner is showing their love by doing the dishes. So that's like, I guess, like acts of service.
Speaker: And we'll talk more about like each of them and and give some good examples. But Imagine you're sitting there thinking, why don't they ever just say they love me? And you're just crying at the corners and they're just elbows deep in dirty dishes.
Speaker: And that is an example of a love language mismatch. You're crying over a sink full of clean dishes, wondering why your relationship is failing. It's a tragic love story. yeah Okay, so I think now we can kind of get into... going to dive in.
Speaker: Bye, we need you to dive. the music will play i don't remember how our song goes oh where does it go might be thinking of something else
Speaker: but and and no i that it was like but what that ah ah but oh my god and' others
Speaker: Okay, let's go to each one and we'll explain all them. We'll throw in some examples. I like the idea of throwing in like a work example. See how we could tie this in with work. I would love that. think physical touch will be the hardest. I think that would... Do they have to be like a work example that's appropriate?
Speaker: Because there's no world where that one's okay. Okay, so wait. Also, I thought would be fun is like... Okay, so we would we'll do a real work. Well, we just said this. going real world example. But I think should well wall love Let's do a real world example that happened to you in any sort of relationship. with It could be friends. It could family. But if none of them have... Oh my Oh my god. It makes me laugh. This is what can dream of. And then...
Speaker: And then also a work example. So you'll you have the first one. You'll explain it. And then I'll give my a personal example and a work example. Okay. Okay. Okay. so first one is words of affirmation.
Speaker: So this is when you express your love through spoken or written words, basically showing appreciation, encouragement, or just giving compliments. So some generic examples would be things like giving compliments or maybe texting the person that you are in relationship with and hearing or saying, I love you.
Speaker: Okay, so I guess an example for me would be, i I do often text on my friends, like my girlfriends, and I'm like, I'm proud of you because of this, this, and this. And I think that like shows that I appreciate them as a person. I think that they're and i give them compliments.
Speaker: often tell my friends I love them. But I think at work, it's easy. Like your a job. Or your job. Your job. Who told you good job? Your boss. Your boss who told you. Your boss who gave you a good job. Which is a weird way to say, my boss told me good job because that just sounds strange.
Speaker: I would say, yeah your boss told you a good job in front of other people virtually on an email. So that's an example of written documentation. a Written documentation. Written words of appreciation, encouragement, and a compliment.
Speaker: Yes. Okay, next one. Yes. Acts of service. um So this one's like showing love through helpful actions, making dinner, running errands. It's not my turn to bring a personal example, but um one would be like chopping down this tree in my front yard. that Gravity is slowly destroying. Is that the one like coming across your sidewalk? Yes.
Speaker: I literally was tiptoeing my way from my car to your front door and I was like, so he needs to cut down this tree. Yes. Because there was a snowstorm a few weeks ago, and I guess it's a weak tree. it started like it Now it's like slowly falling, and I'm like, I have an internal conflict of like, do I chop it down or do I see if it can survive? but at least try to tie it up or something. can't walk around your sidewalk. I know, I know. It's really annoying.
Speaker: Okay, well, anyway, and you know the other examples like replacing your windshield wipers, offering to murder your enemies, things like that. Okay, well, tell me like a personal example. Okay. Is this like of me giving an act of service or is this me receiving? Either one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Speaker: I mean, i feel like i I do acts of service for everybody that I care about all the time. Like, I guess just in my last relationship, it was, you know, always cleaning the house and always running to the store. Like, that's pretty generic. But...
Speaker: It's um we talked about this in a really early episode, but like if you're, you know, throwing a party at your house, i'll be like, well, what do you want me to bring? Like, I'll do whatever you need. That kind of stuff.
Speaker: And a work example um might be if, you know, your worker. ah Okay, so maybe it would be if you're in maybe a smaller office and like you offer to bring in donuts for breakfast or something. Yeah. um um and I love that. Why does it have to be a smaller office?
Speaker: Well, that's a lot of donuts. Donuts, you know. Just for your team. ah really big act of service. but yeah i divide all Yeah. No. Okay. That's a good one. I like that. right, this one's your turn. Me. Okay, quality time.
Speaker: So when your love language is quality to time, you will value undivided attention, deep conversations, and sharing activities and events with your person. want to just say... you have an example?
Speaker: have something to say. have something to say. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. I just want to say on this sometimes I notice, and maybe this happened your relationship, let me know, but like when you do live with someone especially or you've been with them a long time,
Speaker: you do, I think quality time can get tough. You start to, like, hang out, like, you live with them, so you, like, hang out passively is what I kind of call it, and you get comfortable, and you spend time together, but you don't really prioritize real, actual, like, quality time. Yeah. That happened to me a lot, like,
Speaker: with my past relationship and I do know like it's good to veg and you need that veg time and like you're going to be with your partner if you're living with them and stuff but I wrote like an example here of like TikTok doom scrolling in bed doesn't count as bonding time you need to actually have like separate real quality time Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of people kind of get caught in this. I know I did too. Like, you did touch on like, it's important to have your veg time. And especially when you're living with that person, you know, it's not normal to try to be attentive to something all the time. Like, that'd be ridiculous. Like, you definitely need your downtime.
Speaker: But I think a lot of people fall into this and like, also forget that it is a like, something that you are really devoting your energy to and making a conscious effort to like, let me give this person my attention.
Speaker: Let me express interest in their hobbies and, you know, what they're interested in and really listen to them and have an honest conversation versus just, you know, I mean, I think there's even times where people will be having dinner together and you're not really paying attention to what your partner's saying. yeah And that's sort of the same thing. So, yeah.
Speaker: No, I get it. Life gets busy. I think this one's one of the hardest ones, honestly. It's like life gets busy, you get comfortable with someone, and people forget to really commit that focused time on their partner.
Speaker: Well, and it's kind of like when you're dating somebody in the beginning, like that is something you do. Like you're really invested in that person. And then like maybe you get past that honeymoon phase and you're like, it's almost like you're just living with a friend or somebody that you're so comfortable with that you're really a little too comfortable with not paying attention to them.
Speaker: I agree. You know, I love when people go that have been relationship for a long time. They have like date nights that they set aside and things like that. Because again, life does get really busy. And I think if you really, really care about your relationship, you have to remember that it maybe it's not always the number one priority depending on how your life is, but it is a priority and you always have to put energy and effort into it. You can't just be like, oh, we're married now. So like, yeah, don't have to try anymore. You don't have to stay loyal. Yeah.
Speaker: funny But you should always be like dating your partner. Agree. All right. So wait, do I have to do like a work? I have to do work. Yes. So you need to do a, I guess that was your, you have ah a real example? Oh, a real example, me think. So I guess a real example would be, and again, you're right. Like when you're first seeing someone, quality time is like what you do 100% of the time. But I guess like when I went to um go visit this person I'm seeing recently, he took me to a salsa dancing class and that was really fun. Yeah, it was really fun. So, and honestly. Can he salsa dance?
Speaker: Well, better than I can, but that's not really saying much. That's not saying much at all. We're both terrible. But well but he would probably disagree. But the point is, it was really fun because although we were there with like a bunch of different people and there like an instructor and like there's a lot going on. I felt like I had so much fun just with him and we' were just like laughing the whole time and it was really good quality time.
Speaker: about and work quiet schedule one-on-one with but you with what someone on your team and really get that quality time to focus on them really for reprimanding them yes really focus them on um give it on exactly on the things you or things you don't like about them you know we have team lunches sometimes you can go lunch yeah yeah no that's probably a nicer one than like a but brep impromptu performance review with someone who doesn't report to you. ah and re Somebody random, just like a simple outlook invite, put it on the calendar, I'm like, oh, okay, I guess there must be some project.
Speaker: No, this is for quality time and quality assurance for the company. Let's get it. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Next one. Next one. Oh, God.
Speaker: Receiving gifts. Okay. So, these people... These people who... These shallow motherfuckers who a like to receive gifts often feel loved when they're...
Speaker: What are you saying? It's a new one. It's a new one. It's a new one. It's a new My voice. Didn't it? It was like, boom. Okay.
Speaker: ah These people feel loved when they're given thoughtful presents. Big or small. Thoughtful is important here because I just was making a joke about being shallow, but it it really isn't being materialistic. It's like those meaningful gifts that make you feel Seen. Seen. Okay, and then you do have a little example here, which I i saw it. I read this earlier.
Speaker: And I know that you mentioned that you spent Valentine's Day with this person. And this person may or may not have messaged me and was like, hey, what is Zoe like? And one of the things I said was that she loves puzzles.
Speaker: Yeah, it was so nice. You know what I remember? my ex was like really terrible at giving gifts. He never was very thoughtful about it. And I remember one time, it's still nice. I'm not saying it's not nice. He bought me like a diamond necklace. Yeah.
Speaker: And I hated it. I was like, that first of all, hair-shaped. Yes. Fuck that. Fuck. No, no, no. Sorry. I have anger. Never. Never. Never. Unless your girlfriend or whoever has said that they love heart-shaped jewelry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker: It is the worst one. Tacky. It's the worst. Yeah, it's so tacky. I don't wear it. never wear this. And it's always expensive. It's over-priced. It was so expensive. It was like $500 for this little teeny necklace. And it was a big argument because I never wanted to wear it because I didn't like it. And I didn't... It it wasn't my taste. It wasn't something I wanted. i didn't ask for It it was just like a, I think I should give you a gift. So it's a gift. So to me, I would much rather get something that's actually something...
Speaker: I like and it makes me feel like someone listens to the little things instead of like you would accept if it was a lesser value yeah like a $15 puzzle versus like a $500 necklace I would much rather have to be honest honey gave it to me was like it's an avocado thanks I stole that from you I'm sorry You plugged perfectly. Okay, so now, wait. Okay, so now you give examples.
Speaker: Okay, so real life example would be somebody giving you a gift that you actually appreciate. Swear, if I could not just sign that dollar necklace.
Speaker: Have you given received a very special gift recently? Oh, gosh. Okay, oh, you know what? Actually, I still have, which I need to redeem this gift from you. This was, oh my God, you gave it to me years ago, but it was like,
Speaker: I think it was for her birthday, but it was the pictures that I had cut out for like a gift to you. And I put them on this poster board, like before you went to college yeah and like wrote a note on it. Anyway, like I think when you're moving, the poster started breaking down and you had taken the pictures off, put them somehow in a package for me. And then you also gave me a piece of paper and it was like one blankie ticket.
Speaker: And like you would make me one of the blankets I'm wearing right now when I was like little loop blanket, guys. Yes, I want to do that. I still have it. I'm going to redeem it at the least convenient time for you and say now yeah Didn't you start making one of your own? I did, yes. i I got like halfway through.
Speaker: Did you stop forever?
Speaker: No, I think I have like two or three things of yarn, so I need to keep doing it. Okay. But it's coming on, though. Yeah, it's really therapeutic. We should have a day where we'll go pick out some for you, some colors you want and I'll sit with you and you can finish yours and I'll make your other one. So you just have a lot of blankets. I love that.
Speaker: You're a very cold person, so. I'm wearing a blanket right now. I am very cold. I'm a lizard, some might say. Okay, work-related. Oh, yes, work-related. I feel like my donut one was a good example of that. I've never thought about that, but...
Speaker: But, you know, I mean, it's... But they're slightly different because acts of service, i think, can be gifts in a way, but it's more of, like, you... Maybe you didn't get breakfast, so I'll run out and be something to eat. Yeah. The gifts is more of, like, something thoughtful. Yeah, it's, like, or, hey, like, I don't have time to go to this meeting. Will you go for me? And, and you know, that's not as specific.
Speaker: That's very strange. But I don't have time to go to this meeting. Or, like, hey, like, can you please do this for me? Anyone sit in for this. Even though it's not in your role or whatever, like... like our our office administrator she does acts of service for me all the time like my printer wasn't working today and i'm like can you please receiving gifts i know but i was going back when are we getting back to this um okay work-related receiving gifts i mean mean i get i get presents for some of my co-workers for their birthdays and stuff i if i like them if you like them okay
Speaker: Okay. next one. Okay, so so last ah physical touch. The least work appropriate. This type of person will feel connected through physical affection.
Speaker: This can be with hugs, kisses, or a simple little pat on the booty. And just pat on the back. Also, when you arrived, you gave me that really weird back.
Speaker: You were like, how the hell are you? hug you and I was like, pat on the other girl, sport. It felt very grandpa. It did. I was like, okay, that was a weird way to see each other after seeing each other for a But did you feel like I was giving you physical affection?
Speaker: I felt like... Or to smack you? I was trying to burp you. Yeah, I felt like it was um it was strange. Okay, so I wanted to say on this one, i have never been a cuddler or like really liked physical touch until recently.
Speaker: And that's why want to about like, like love languages change over time. And we'll talk more about that. But did you want to add anything? Yeah. Try to do some examples. Well, I was going to ask because like i had the same thing is like my ex really this was his love language was physical touch. And I like cannot deliver enough, even though I really tried. But I was like, this isn't my love language.
Speaker: But i was I was actually going to ask you because like I'm more a physical touch person now. Like I i can very easily give it But I wonder, like, do you think, think back think back in your way back time machine, as think my coworker says, do you feel like at the beginning of your relationship with your ex, you were more into physical touch?
Speaker: Oh, you're probably right. That one might be a difficult one to sustain over time because there's so much heat and spice in the beginning and, like, attraction. but But I will say, like, so maybe, like, we as who we are, i don't know if it's because the way we are, our personalities are for women. I don't know what it is. Well, know we are women, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm all about.
Speaker: The point is, regardless of what I had together for a minute, I tried so hard to not let my laugh out of this. I did like a light.
Speaker: But the point is that even though it faded for us, it didn't for them. So that's interesting, right? Why are you looking at me like that? Are you asleep? I'm kind of like crying.
Speaker: I'm laughing. I'm just like, What is going on over there? My point is, is like yeah, so it didn't... Maybe it is like an early days thing, but it didn't that doesn't apply to them because they both... Same for my ex. He was very needy with me. wonder if it's a men versus women thing. Like men respond more to physical touch versus women. Maybe.
Speaker: But also, did your ex... It sounds like you tried to... communicate Or he tried to communicate it. Mine never did. He told me at the very end. He's like, also... Yeah. was like, yeah well, too. Well, never will again.
Speaker: Sure. That. No. Yeah. So there was a lot of communication about kind of our love languages because mine, i feel like mine's is actually mine. Yeah. yeah sir fine
Speaker: Mine is acts of service. And I'd be like, it would be really nice if once in a blue moon, I came home and the dishes were done. Same. said hey Wait, I don't. Okay, sorry. I understand. But like, this is something we've talked about before, too, is like, i don't want to give you like physical touch. Oh, sorry. I actually was like, oh we just definitely was a fork in the road in that conversation. My point was.
Speaker: I don't want to love on you, kiss on you, have sex with you, those things, if you can't fucking do, like, the dishes. Like, acts of service. Like, it's like, it it is very much, like, a give and take. Yeah. And maybe that's why we started to fizzle out with that, is, like, they weren't meeting our needs for love languages.
Speaker: And I'm like, I'm not really even attracted to you now. Yeah, I kind of want to plug ah quote from my ex. This was yeah before we separated, but I believe this was while the UFO was going on.
Speaker: But, you know, we were discussing our love language differences and, you know, I felt like I wasn't supported. i've verbatim was like, you know, here's all the things that i do to like take care of our lives and our house and All of our friends, everything.
Speaker: Can you like, am I not appreciating what you do enough? Like, can you just please tell me like, what do you do? Like very, very innocently asked, what do you offer? I didn't even say like that. But anyways, he was like, well, i i feed the dogs and I ah give them water.
Speaker: I mean, what do you mean? And like, no, she's like, come on. She's like, one of those dogs was in. I'm sorry. And I'm like, okay, you like, I feed them and I give them water. That's that's literally three bowls that you have to fill out. And that's really one thing. Let's be clear. Don't break that into two. Yeah. yeah And it was, anyway.
Speaker: But anyways, we're keeping that. So anyways, Zoe, give us an example of ah a work physical touch. Okay, so God, it is never okay to touch someone at work, but I guess... Unless you're strangling them. My God.
Speaker: When is that okay? Maybe if they're they're falling. Oh, okay. No, no, I know one, I know one. the I'm going to pee myself. I'm falling. I'll sprinkle them. I'll sprinkle them.
Speaker: Catch them by their neck. I'm going to pee. oh like but go
Speaker: it i like
Speaker: I was thinking a similar vein, maybe not to that, it was like, they're joking and you can give them the Heimlich. Yes. Yes. Yes. Because you shove something down their throat to make them joke.
Speaker: And you turn out hero to immerse.
Speaker: okay That's the only reason it's appropriate to touch somebody work. Okay, and a personal example of physical touch i would be giving someone a hug.
Speaker: I just literally talked about how you walked in all weird and I was kind of... And you didn't appreciate it. I didn't. i Because that's not your love language. get it. Maybe not. i haven't taken the test. We're to take the test later. my God.
Speaker: like You're fine. It's like that. Oh, you're drunk. It's almost gone. It's like, it's okay.
Speaker: We hit the town with our dancing shoes. Why does knowing your love language and your partners matter? don't know. Why does any of this matter? Knowing your own love language and your partners help build a stronger, healthier relationship. So if you don't know how you or your partner like to give and receive love,
Speaker: You might feel like your relationship isn't working out or they're not really appreciating you or showing you that they love you, but really you're just not speaking the same language. You could also feel like what you're doing isn't being appreciated. yeah know Like if you're like, this is how I'm showing I love you and it's not, you're not getting anything back then because that's not their lovely That's not their love language. They can't understand.
Speaker: is a recipe for disaster. You're just like kind of flailing around thinking that you neither of you are feeling appreciated. The resentment builds. Chaos. Absolutely.
Speaker: I was really trying to think of one of the words that we use where we're like, neglect. Neglect. No, a little bit. The devil. Okay, so some other reasons are so other the reasons why it's important to know your partner's love language.
Speaker: It would be to develop a deeper emotional connection. So when you love somebody in a way that they truly feel it, it will strengthen your intimacy and your trust. If you're meeting their needs in a meaningful way,
Speaker: Rather than basically guessing and, you know, trying to show them, hey, i love you, but it's not being received because they can't receive it. Kind of what I just mentioned earlier. They can't receive it. Can't receive it. It also is good for a more effective conflict resolution.
Speaker: So disagreements will happen in any relationship. Yep. But if you know how your partner feels valued, you can approach conflict in a way that reinforces your bond instead of weakening it. Definitely. And, you know, during, especially during an argument where maybe your partner's love language is words of affirmation, you know, they need to hear like, hey, I still love you, but like, this is what's on my mind. And and just how to approach those things a little bit better than just flailing around, yeah you know.
Speaker: Also, it helps keep the spark alive. were kind of talking about this, but over you kind of settle, you fall into a routine, and then you're not as intentional about showing your love and the relationship doesn't feel as like fulfilling or as exciting so really knowing each other's love languages and putting effort and energy into communicating or expressing love through people's love languages helps unlock the key to each other's hearts and a longer lasting more fulfilling relationship okay so now i think we need to take the quiz on what we are yay yay okay we need to find a quiz
Speaker: Okay
Speaker: Wasn't even your cat. yeah Okay, so we took the quiz. what What are your results? Okay, I got... It gave us, like, percentages for each one, because I guess everybody's a little bit of a mix, you know? But I got 37% acts service. Okay. 27% words of affirmation. Oh, my God.
Speaker: 17% quality time. my gosh. physical touch. and seven percent receiving this is incredible mine are almost exactly the same 30% acts of service. So that's my number one. My number two is words of affirmation. Also 27%.
Speaker: My number three is quality time. 23%. Wow. Physical touch, 17%. And then receiving gifts was three. Stop it. You really hate gifts? Yeah. I really hate gifts. Wow. I told you. Yeah. No, that's kind of crazy though that ours are so similar, you know? that for us. Oh, well, if anybody else wants to take the quiz, go to fivelovelanguages.com and that's the number five.
Speaker: That was a helpful thing. yeah You can also share that link if people are too dumb. We won't. Figure it out. Figure it out. Are you surprised at all? Or what do you think? I mean, some of them were pretty obvious with the questions we're asking. It was like, obviously, this for receiving gifts. But even, i don't know, some of them were kind of hard to choose between. so um Are you surprised with your results?
Speaker: A little bit. I mean, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. i try i now I know. We actually need take two quizzes as the first one. cost a dollar 95 and that's far too much far too much and then it was not even a lot languages I was like wait what did I pay for guess I'm surprised that I'm like they're kind of close ish between acts of service and words of affirmation yeah like I guess I thought acts of service would be like way higher yeah I thought physical thought should be a little higher for me just because I've been more into that but you know But some them are so obvious. Like, one of the questions was, you and your partner sit close to each other when you're in public. And I'm like, would fucking hope so.
Speaker: I would fucking hope so. ah I liked the one from the other quiz that was like, your partner includes you in conversation. Yes. Like, oh my god. This is like, wow, the bar's left.
Speaker: Bars and L. Seriously. Okay, so it's, I think we were just going to mention that it's good to, like, take this every once in a while, right? Because your love languages can change or, like, at least your percentages can change. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: And while most people have like a dominant leveling, which sounds like both so both of ours are acts of service, they can shift based on life experiences, relationships, personal growth. And I think um you are going to give us a couple of examples. I don't have that experience.
Speaker: You're going to tell us about some examples. So I was going to tell you guys about life changes. So this can be, you know, things like you get a new job. Maybe you become a parent for the first time and or you go through but divorce.
Speaker: ah That might make you appreciate different expressions of love. You can also have different relationships. So you might prioritize quality time in one relationship, but crave words of affirmation in another. Yeah. And also, I think kind of in the vein of going through a divorce or a big breakup,
Speaker: unmet needs in a previous relationship may mean that you have different needs that you want to prioritize in the next relationship. So if like one love language isn't being fulfilled, maybe you start valuing form from another love language. So maybe give up entirely on like, no one will ever do this.
Speaker: Disregard. Let's try again. Let's try something else. Also personal growth. So as you have evolve as a person, You might find that what once made you feel most loved no longer has the same impact.
Speaker: no Or other way around. Like, you just, things shift as you change. So, so yeah, it's always good to check in with yourself and with your partner to see if your love languages have shifted. And we'll send out the quiz.
Speaker: ah Yeah, take that quiz. Take that quiz.
Speaker: Time for the game! Woohoo! Okay, cool. Ready? Are you ready for this? I know I'm more ready.
Speaker: We played something similar in a way with when I had David and you play. Okay. love It's called Love It or Leave It. Oh, yeah. But this is the love language edition. Okay, okay. So I'm going rapid fire give you some different scenarios. If one isn't about your partner including you in conversation.
Speaker: don't want to play. I don't want to play. Well, you're going to be surprised because they're kind of similar to that. yes ah So you're going to tell me you either have to pick Love It Or leave it if it totally, like, misses the mark. And what also is, like, a little twist to the game, it would be great if you could also tell me what love language you think it represents out of the five. So, okay, we'll start. i It's kind of rapid fire. There's quite a lot of them. Okay.
Speaker: First one is, your partner surprises you with a handwritten love letter on a random Tuesday. love it. Is this words of affirmation? Yes. i um All right, they fill up your gas tank without telling Acts of service. It's wild.
Speaker: and murder. I love it. Okay. Love that one. All right. Your partner surprises you with a small, thoughtful gift for no reason. i mean, it's a nice way to show you love me, but I mean, I don't like, that's not what I need. So I guess leave it. Yeah. these can be love for all but They're all good. Right. like Okay. Which ones really like yeah, really hit home. Okay.
Speaker: But obviously that one's what love language? ah Receiving gifts. Yep. They text you, I love you five times over lunch. Leave it. Too much. That is just clingy. don't know what love language that is.
Speaker: Get out of here. Get alive, buddy. buddy
Speaker: that's what respond to get a live fuck out what love language was that one though don't even know the question words of affirmation okay next one they give you a massage after a stressful day physical touch leave it i do like a massage but massage all right next one they randomly start folding your laundry without you asking them
Speaker: uh i mean you can move it like from the washer the dryer for me but don't start folding it so leave it now but which one is that uh acts of service yep they want to hold hands all the time even at home leave it girls get your clammy palms off me and i have clammy palms so i'll do physical touch yes they bring you coffee in bed ah love it acts of service Yep. that's so yeah They write a song about why they love you and perform it on Instagram Live or in high school in front of everyone.
Speaker: At the lockers. Leave it. but I know you love it.
Speaker: guess that's words of affirmation. That one je Or cringe. Yes. Do you remember that, though? Yeah. Okay. I didn't witness it, but I remember the story. Really? you were there for it. Your partner meal preps your lunches for you, so you don't have to worry about it.
Speaker: Are they meals that I like? Or is he making me eat garbage? He's making you eat garbage. He's putting garbage in bags and saying, here, I prepped your lunch up. Stop it. I'm a cartoon.
Speaker: He doesn't want to take out the garbage. He doesn't want to take out the garbage. He doesn't want to take out the garbage. Scoop the Tupperware in the garbage.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Honestly, leave it. yeah I can make my own food. Yeah. Okay. Did you say what that one was? or service? Yeah. Okay. ah They boop you on the nose every time you pass each other in the house. Jesus, leave it. Don't touch me that much.
Speaker: That'd be so annoying. Get your hands off me. What are you looking through? Yes, yes. We haven't gotten any quality time. We're getting there.
Speaker: They update your phone for you because they know you're dealing with tech stuff. Leave it. You don't need to do that. Also, what if I didn't want my phone updated? Now there's all these updates.
Speaker: I got emojis. I guess that's acts of disservice. Jesus. No. Weird. Okay. They book a surprise weekend getaway for just the two of you.
Speaker: And don't tell you where you're going. Or anybody that you're going with them. so yeah And they turn off your phone. Because they've updated Just they've updated And they keep booping you on the nose every minute for the entire show.
Speaker: You can't make it stop. Okay, well, okay, just back to the original thing. Back to the original one. Was planning a weekend trip. Love it. Yes, love it. Okay, which one is that? Is that quality time? Yep.
Speaker: Okay. They bring you one of your favorite snacks every time they go to the store. Love it. Access service. Yes. Actually, that one? could be receiving gifts. Yeah, either one. They bring you a balloon with your face...
Speaker: drawn on it every time you have a bad day. Why would that make anybody a few buttons? Leave it.
Speaker: yeah yeah Yep. yeah They insist on brushing your hair every night. Fuck that. Leave it. Ew. That's like some weird, like... Fetish? Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of weird, isn't I guess that's acts of service.
Speaker: Yep. They leave little notes hidden around your house for you to find. feel like I've said this age that this represents how many. Are they everywhere? Are they going to be like mound of them exploding out of a drawer?
Speaker: Okay, no. If they're just sweet here and there, love it. Love it. Okay, what is that one? Words of affirmation. Yes. They wrap up things you... already own a gift that back to you see your family. This is taking gifts and leave it
Speaker: They legally change their last name to include your first name so they're always carrying you with them. And then they also chop off my hair after they murdered me and carried out with them.
Speaker: Later. That's, I don't know, quality time. I don't know what that was. was like, I don't know what this is. This is crazy. That's what it's crazy. It's so bad. Okay. They get your car washed and detailed as a surprise.
Speaker: Love it. that allow our Acts of service. Great. They suggest taking a walk in the evening just to catch up and talk. Love it. Quality time. Yes. They always want to cuddle while watching TV. No exceptions.
Speaker: No exceptions, leave it. I do like a good cuddle during a little mushy watching, but get no exceptions. That'd physical touch. Last one. They introduce you at parties by giving freestyle rap about your best qualities every time you walk into a room. Love it.
Speaker: Thought you would. and Could you imagine every time it was in front of people you already knew? like what Like, Vanessa has arrived and she... I don't know how to rap.
Speaker: Much better than people you don't know, though. I mean, how annoying. i don't know. A freestyle rap about how much they care about you. Yeah, every time. guess that's words of affirmation. It is. Absolutely. Good. Okay. Well, with that, remember, didn't like a lot of it.
Speaker: so i Is it me? Am I picky? Yeah, you're picky. I feel you're hard to please. It's me. It's you. I should reevaluate my love language. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. Okay. Remember, just because you think you know your love language doesn't mean you know it.
Speaker: Just because you think you doesn't mean that you do. doesn't mean you do. Or it doesn't mean you know your partner's love language.
Speaker: Or...
Speaker: Doesn't mean you know your love your love language or your partner's. So communicate, learn, and but take our quiz.
Speaker: Well, that's it for today's episode of Oris Divorced. If you're enjoying the show, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Oris Divorced for updates, behind-the-scenes content, maybe some inspirational videos, and definitely some solutis.
Speaker: Next episode, we'll get into a new topic. Stay tuned. But until then, bye! to clean if he could do a good good No, not it. It was like... but what that and and ah Oh my god. Anyway. Stop that thing. What do you offer?
Speaker: I feel most love of my partner includes me in the conversation when we're out. the I would hope so. fucking with us So then I'm like... Oh my god. That is so funny to me.
Speaker: Okay. and I mean, what you mean? Maybe someone went askew. a Arise. Oh, wait. No, it's just out of order. You motherfucker. Yeah. Oh, my God. don't know what happened.
Speaker: Grinch. Yes. But, ok yeah, take that quiz. Take that quiz. Get out here, you blue boy. That's a cool one.
Speaker: Me.
