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Episode 2 - It's Okay to Not Be Okay
69 Plays9 months ago
In this episode, we explore the deep and often overwhelming journey of coping with two major life events: losing a parent and going through a divorce. Melissa opens up about her personal experiences, shedding light on the complex emotions of grief, heartbreak, and the immense pressure to "be okay" when everything feels like it's falling apart.
Through raw and honest reflections, Melissa opens up about her experience losing a parent and coping with grief on top of a challenging dynamic in her marriage. This episode is a reminder that it's okay to not have everything figured out, and that healing isn’t linear. We delve into the power of self-compassion, the courage to embrace vulnerability, and the significance of leaning on loved ones or seeking support when needed.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge that it's okay to not be okay.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Horse Divorced'
00:00:00
Speaker
Okay. Hey, I'm Zoe. Are you redoing that? Did you like that? You go. Wait, really? Yes. And I'm Melissa. Welcome to Horse Divorced, the podcast where we navigate life as two divorced best friends in their 20s. And we're really just doing this mainly because our friends think that we have interesting stories to share and we'll use any excuse to just hang out and talk to each other about this stuff.
Purpose of the Podcast
00:00:24
Speaker
We'll they'll talk about all sorts of things based on our own experiences that we've been through and learned through our divorces, from heartbreak, getting back out there, to really just finding yourself after a divorce or really any major breakup in your life. Disclaimer! We did it.
00:00:40
Speaker
We're not doing this to shit on our exes. We both went through something really shitty, and making them feel shitty doesn't make us feel any better. So this is our time to share our stories, the things that we've learned, and really relate to others who might be going through something similar. And really, this is just some form of therapy that is free for us. And like you said, just something fun to do together.
00:01:09
Speaker
Okay, so with that, today we're going to get into Melissa's story.
Melissa's Relationship Beginnings
00:01:16
Speaker
Yes, so I don't know, will you go ahead and start with maybe the backstory of you and your ex?
00:01:23
Speaker
I will. it's a so Okay, so we met in college. We were just friends. But then we graduated and didn't really see each other again until around like end of 2018. And then some mutual friends invited me to a football game actually and he was there. So we re-met at the end of 2018 and we started dating pretty quickly. And since we had already known each other, we were since we were friends in college, things did move pretty quickly.
00:01:53
Speaker
We ended up moving in together like maybe halfway through 2019, I want to say. So how long had had you guys been dating at that point? ah maybe Maybe six months, I want to say. I will say though, I'm a believer that this may be an unpopular opinion, but I do think you should live with your partner. I'm nodding profusely. Yes, you should live with your partner, which- You learn a lot. anybody Yeah, you learn a lot.
00:02:21
Speaker
Although it does make it difficult to get out of it out of that. Yes, so proceed the call. don't you like Don't take any of our recommendations. Yeah, actually, I mean, really, I mean, really, role models. Thanks for anyone. Okay, sorry, go on. So you guys, six months, moved in together, and we lived together in that house. It was me and him and two of his friends, and then I was ready to buy a house for myself. So I did- In the best year to buy a house. twenty twenty baby yeah March of 2020, no less. It was quite a time. and So we moved into that house together, and ah you might remember this, but he wanted to propose pretty shortly after
Engagement and Family Challenges
00:03:00
Speaker
that. Yes.
00:03:02
Speaker
Yeah. I do remember, yeah. And I guess he had messaged you about an idea or something and... I think he sent me like a ring option or something. It kind of worried me that he didn't know what you wanted, because I was like, wait, have you guys not talked about it? No, we hadn't talked about it. I know. As a matter of fact. And you had distinctly told me at some point that you weren't ready. I think he was dropping hints or something. I don't know. When you were onto it, you mentioned you were ready. Yeah. I wasn't fully onto it. I didn't know he was looking at rings. So that was a little startling. And when you told me, I told him to kind of pump the brakes a little bit. I spilled the beans. Spilled the beans as a best French shoe. I do. Yeah. Because I was like, I don't think you were ready. Because you said that, not because I was like,
00:03:47
Speaker
You're not ready. You're not ready for this. Thanks, Mom. but yeah So, yeah, but but then a year later, he did end up proposing. I was i couldn't hold him back any longer. I'm sorry. God damn it. In your defense, it's OK. I thought I was ready. So, yeah, June of 2021, he proposed and we got married a year after that.
00:04:08
Speaker
and I wasn't there at the proposal. You were not? No. Yeah, yeah because I think he knew I would try to stop it just sabotage. Okay, so great. that Thank you you for sharing that backstory. And I think then now we'll get into the meat. The meat, the juicy stuff. You can cut that last bit if we want to. I didn't like that at all.
00:04:33
Speaker
Okay, so that was the backstory, kind of a little bit of how you guys met. Now talking about things that transpired a little bit more recently. So obviously, where I am today is divorced. So something happened, you know, but between know ah July of 2022 when we got married and now. So I do want to give a trigger warning for this episode. First trigger warning is that I'm on my period. to So things are gonna get emotional. So hold on, people. The next trigger warning is I will be talking about the loss of a family member.
00:05:07
Speaker
But yeah, so kind of what happened after we got married, I guess. Fast forward to September of 2022. My dad was training for a half marathon in Athens, Georgia. It's called the ATHHAF, which my family does continue to run to this day, every single day.
00:05:24
Speaker
Anywho, but yeah, so he was training for this AF-AF, and while he was on one of his training runs, he ended up tripping, which he had run, you know, when you're training for a marathon or a half marathon, you train on really long runs. And so I think he had ran like nine or ten miles. Oh, God. I don't want to do it. So I don't know why I was training for myself, but I digress. And so he had tripped and he like skinned his knees. I think he like skinned his palms. Enough to like have some bad scabs, but you know, nothing that crazy. And- Did your mom tell you about that immediately? Or is just like, she just- No, no, so she didn't tell me about it. She was like, that was odd, but like- It was, I noticed that we went to the Great Wolf Lodge, I think is what it's called.
00:06:08
Speaker
on like a little family trip, and my brother's got two kids, so it was like this little family trip, and I saw my dad's knees, and I was like, what happened to you, dude? And he was like, oh, I tripped on my run. Like, it was it was very casual. You just thought nothing of it. like Nobody thought anything of it. People fall. Yeah. Yeah. And so, fast forward a little bit again. In October is when the Ath half is, he did run the Ath half, which is amazing. It's it's a big deal, especially considering the next.
00:06:34
Speaker
things to come. But we did notice that after he ran, he was getting fatigued really easily. He had to, like, go up to the room and just, like, lay down to rest a lot. He was trying to help my aunt, I think, was moving. And she wanted his help because, you know, he's a man and he can lift heavy things. And my mom had to Tell my aunt like hey he's he's kind of having a hard time right now like he couldn't he he was kind of not as smooth on his feet and I think he has started kind of losing hand strength which was odd.
00:07:10
Speaker
yeah And I think at this point, probably maybe like November, December, he was going to see some specialist doctors. And really, we were trying to figure out, yeah, was it a tumor or something that surgery or medicine could fix? And then fast forward a little bit more, and now we're in February of 2023. I was at work one day, I think it was a Tuesday, and I got a text from my mom.
00:07:34
Speaker
And I'm, I work in like this open office kind of configuration, but I, we kind of have these little pods that we sit in. And I was in my pod by myself, but my mom had texted me that my dad had been diagnosed with ALS. And like many of you that might be listening, I had no idea what it was. I'd heard of the ice bucket challenge. yeah Do you remember that? that was like that was a few like maybe while we were in high school. I remember that being a thing, and it was about ALS, but I had no idea what it was. But so you can Google anything. So I looked it up, and this is kind of the gist of what I looked up. So ALS is amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which I might have butchered that name. I feel like you did it right. Thank you. um So it's a nervous system disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord.
00:08:19
Speaker
ALS often begins with muscle twitching and weakness in the arms or legs, which is what the signs that my dad was showing, and then trouble swallowing and slurred speech, which hadn't happened at this point. It goes on to explain, eventually ALS affects control of the muscles needed to move, speak, eat, and breathe. The last line that I read was, there is no cure for this fatal disease. And reading no cure and fatal, and it's about your dad,
00:08:49
Speaker
it I mean, I just remember just kind of being numb and still not really comprehending maybe. Like there was no way this, there has to be something wrong. This has to be a misdiagnosis. Maybe I'm not reading this right. Did I look up the right thing? I don't know. My mind was all over the place. I read a little bit more and I know that it said the life expectancy after diagnosis was like five to 10 years, ah but it can be shorter than that.
00:09:16
Speaker
And I remember that I just, I packed myself up and I just left. And I think I might've called my mom that day and tried to figure out what was going on and just remembering her being really emotional and just, I don't know, I just felt like I didn't really have all the answers and I was just still in such disbelief that like, there's no way this is, this is real. oh So yeah, it might've been maybe a week after that.
00:09:40
Speaker
I talk to my mom a lot when I drive home from work, which I like to commute, so I have lots of time. Do you have a lot of time? I've got to entertain myself on those hours. and I was talking to her and she said that my dad couldn't really go up and down the stairs anymore to get to their bedroom. At the time, they lived in like a three-story townhouse. and To get to any bedroom at all, you had to go up at least a flight of stairs. Very steep stairs, too. Very steep stairs. And that townhome, yeah. And they were like wide, so like the railing was far away. Far away. Just like, dang it. I don't know who designed it. I mean, I i digress, but it was a beautiful house, but obviously not great for somebody with an illness like this, so my mom was like, telling me that my she would set up a bedroom downstairs, which there were still stairs that you had to go either up or down slightly to get to this kind of a sitting room, I guess you could call it. And she was going to set up like a bed in there and just basically like make a room for him. And he would just stay down there until they were waiting on a house to be finished to
00:10:44
Speaker
get finished being built. That was like in a 55 plus community, which is where they ended up moving. But it was going to be some time before they could move there. So I freaked out and I'm like, no, my dad can't live in this bedroom. That's not a bedroom. i'm Like it was just, I just didn't like it. So I,
00:11:02
Speaker
I offered to her, like, maybe they can move in with us. We had a bedroom on the main floor. I had a ah attached bathroom and everything. But I said I would, you know, obviously run it by my husband. And I did, and I am grateful that he was very open to it. That did mean a lot, because I know it's not easy to have your in-laws move in with you. Sure, yeah. So that meant a lot that he immediately was like, yeah, of course, like, they can move in. And also, it's really huge that you offered.
00:11:28
Speaker
um on I mean, I know it's family, but like yeah that's huge. It is a change in you know my lifestyle, I guess. To me, it was like, obviously I would have them live with me, so yeah I was happy to help. So they moved in with us. I want to say this was... maybe early to mid-March of 2023. So they moved in with us and we would have dinners together at our, like the table, I just remember that and like really admit so much to me. And a lot of times at this point, ah my dad was either using a walker to get around or a wheelchair. And I just, I remember like rolling them up to the dining table and that meant a lot. And then just keep in mind that like and four four to five months ago, he ran a half marathon and now he's in and a wheelchair.
00:12:15
Speaker
So I just remember doing things for him while they were there, which was maybe six weeks, I wanna say. But like I gave him like a pedicure night one night and I like clipped his toenails cuz my mom couldn't do it. He had really thick toenails. But he had clean feet so it was happy to do that for him and things like that just to kind of enjoy time together and like watch movies together. And it was kind of a big deal to get him out of the house cuz he couldn't walk anymore really. So I would take him on what I called strolls through my neighborhood because he was in his wheelchair and I was, you know, striding along behind him. There was one night that I was coming home from work and I was pulling into the neighborhood and I saw my mom pulling out of the neighborhood. I was like, that's weird. Like, where is she going? Like, I don't think at this point my dad was really left alone. So I was like, my dad's got to be with her, but that's a lot to get him in the car. So what's going on?
00:13:07
Speaker
I called her and she said that they were headed to the ER. r And I also want to give a shout out because it was not easy to get my dad in the car and I remember my mom telling me the story about how she got him in the car afterwards and she he was she couldn't hold him and he was falling down. And Nikki, who lives across the street from me, which is my brother. Yeah. Which, okay, sorry. i we want i I want to mention this because this is so special that So Melissa and I grew up next door to each other, and I feel like people say that a lot. They're like, yeah, we grew up next door. No, we literally were next door to each other. We could throw something from my bedroom window into your hallway window. We made a joke about we were going to build a bridge that connected our windows and we would just crawl. Yeah, right next door to each other, our whole entire lives, we were next door to each other. We were born in those homes, we grew up next to each other.
00:14:01
Speaker
and then you move to Winder and my brother live well he still lives yeah right across the street from you. yeah And it's kind of so special that like the baton of like the Goodmans and the Frasiers is passed on. It lives on. Yeah, it lives on. And it's like just by coincidence many years later in a different city and like it just, I don't know, that's just really special. yeah So shout out to Nikki for helping my mom and get my dad in the car. but Basically, they were headed to the ER r because my dad was having a lot of trouble breathing, and it turns out he had a very, very severe blood clot in his lungs.
00:14:41
Speaker
I also want to give a shout out to my brother and his wife. They worked at the hospital that my dad was taken to and i I don't think either of them were actually on shift, but they, you know, found out what was happening and they both came so fast and they were helping out as best they could, you know, and just making it a much more comfortable situation. And I remember my brother maybe told me the next day that he had to go into work and there were other nurses who were still on staff from the night before and they were like, oh my God, like this guy came in with this insane blood clot. And it and and it's not like it it hurt to hear that. But to me, I was like, if ER nurses are saying how bad something was, like to the point that they're talking about it with other
00:15:29
Speaker
Your people, like, that's how you know it was bad, yeah you know? That's so scary. So, yeah, he he basically, he had to have surgery to have it removed, and it was it was just really pivotal at that time, like, how much he had progressed. And, you know, this is still maybe maybe early April at this point. And this will kind of tie into some of the stuff you talk about later, but seeing how much your brother's partner ah stepped up,
00:15:58
Speaker
Yeah, and like the hardest, lowest times was like a really great role model for like what a partner should be when someone's going through what you went through. Yeah, and actually i I talked about that at my brother and his new wife's wedding and because I really i saw their relationship and how much they supported each other and how much they supported me and my mom and my dad through all of that and you know Mariah was not not necessarily new to the family, but you know. But she was newer than her husband was. Yes. and and And she just stepped up and like really figured out what to do. And for a while, I think I tried to credit like, oh, well, you know, she in the new medical field. Yeah, that's.
00:16:43
Speaker
No, but it wasn't just that. It wasn't just that. And I think that was kind of me being naive, like not trying to be mean to myself, but... But you're probably protecting yourself. I was trying to protect myself. I was trying to protect our relationship and my idea of what our relationship was and give grace to my ex. And in reality, I'm like, no, it's not just because she's in the medical field. Like, she just really supported her husband, who was my brother, and supported our whole family. So... Yeah, she really stepped up. Yeah. Which was...
00:17:13
Speaker
Good to see. But yeah, so I'm pretty much around the same time after his surgery to get his blood clot out. My friend had, and she was having a baby and I was hosting a baby shower for her and there was like 30 or 40 people over and my parents were still staying in the bedroom that was downstairs, so kind of, you know, in the middle of where everybody was going to be hanging out.
00:17:34
Speaker
There was an incident that I don't want to get into detail about that occurred between really my husband and one of our mutual friends. And it was it just really showcased the lack of empathy, I think, and the lack of understanding of what's going on with my dad and how the situation was handled and the interactions between me and my husband at the time. And I just remember being in shock again. like I picture in my head and I just picture like my world cracking around me and being so confused. like Just not understanding what what's going on, like why don't you understand that what you're doing isn't okay.
Isolation and Lack of Support
00:18:19
Speaker
And to think that about your partner, like i just and just it sucked. It's isolating. yeah i yeah Yeah, I felt so alone. My world was cracking. like Everything was like getting like closed in around me to the point where I was like, I'm just here on this little island trying to survive dealing with this with my family. and you're supposed to be my family too and you're not on this island with me. I think that was one of the key moments when you first started realiz realizing that this person wasn't there for you in the way that you needed. Yeah. And I think honestly, there was, I mean, in the future, we we do end up going to therapy and we talk a lot about this.
00:19:05
Speaker
and how he felt like I was distant to him. And like this is this is why. And i I think that got uncovered during therapy. But there were there were explicit moments that happened throughout the journey of losing my dad that it just slowly, over time, broke and broke and broke me more and more and more.
00:19:30
Speaker
and just made me feel isolated and made me not want to lean on him and distance myself in a way that like i I wasn't confiding in him about my dad. I wouldn't let him see how sad I was because in my mind, and not even just in my mind, I think and no in reality. It wasn't just in my head. No, it was noticeable. um he he He didn't know what was going on. And and like I'll just say sorry. like people He hasn't been through it, and a lot of people haven't been there but through that before, so they don't know exactly, but that's still not an excuse for not being able to like support the person that is going through it, right? It's not his family. it ah Well, it should be, but it's not his dad. and But like he should still be there for you, you know? Yeah.
00:20:24
Speaker
OK, so I remember I went to visit your family a couple of times. I actually don't even know. I think I went just, I went alone at the time. I wasn't even going through stuff with my ex, but like i I don't know why I kind of wanted to go by myself because like your dad, your parents, your family has been my family for so long. Yeah, and they're like second parents. They are. Your mom is literally mom number two on my phone. Oh, that's so cute.
00:20:48
Speaker
And i I visited your dad a few times, and like i I think I always went alone. I don't know why. I do remember one time. yeah Distinctly? Yeah. Oh, he was there? Okay, yeah. But I mean, I don't know why. just like I just kind of felt like I wanted to be there without him, because he just didn't get it. Like, I wasn't his family.
00:21:04
Speaker
Okay, no, I mean, it's really funny you say that because there was moments while I think I was distancing myself because of how my ex was responding to everything that and I wanted to be with my family by my side myself. And I was like, this is my family, my family clearly, <unk> clearly they're not yours.
00:21:22
Speaker
I remember one time you guys you and your ex show up and i just felt this energy of like. he It was so strange like i don't even know if i can really explain it but it felt like he was just so out of place like you would you know what to do you know how to act he wasn't really there.
00:21:38
Speaker
for He didn't really get the moment. He didn't really get why we were there. i like It's hard to even explain, but like that's when I started to really see that, oh, I don't know if this person is supporting you in the way that you need. and It's hard because it's like, how do you? i don't i don't I didn't even know how, but I just felt like he wasn't doing it the right way. Yeah. and And I know I've heard that from multiple people who were sort of outside my relationship looking in. But we're experiencing what my dad was going through, too, and what our family was going through, and they noticed something was just off. And even I have trouble to this day, still, if somebody says something bad is going on in their life, sometimes I have a hard time with what to say. I mean, it is hard. That's hard. For some reason, there's still
00:22:26
Speaker
There's an energy. There's an energy. There's like this empathy or like having respect for what the situation is. But I feel like, and again, I know you're not going to get into details, but there are numerous details, like specific situations that you could point to it and say like,
00:22:41
Speaker
Yeah, maybe there's like not a clear writer like there's not like instructions. There's no manual. Yeah, on how yeah that's I think that's literally I wrote that down somewhere because I have my therapy with writing and I wrote that down. I was like, there's no book for how to do this and how to explain how to go through something like this. You just kind of have to figure it out along the way. And when everyone else is figuring it out somehow, except for the person who's supposed to be your person,
00:23:07
Speaker
That sucks. Yeah, that sucks. I was going to say, like, yeah, there's no instruction manual, but there might be like an appendix at the end that's like, these are the things you don't do. Like, this yeah this is like the way you don't act. Like, yeah. And I feel like it really is just all about empathizing and like trying. yes Just trying. I think the trying is the important. Yeah. Yeah.
00:23:25
Speaker
Anywho, after there was that first incident that I was kind of talking about, not going into detail about, but there was multiple after that, kind of like you said, and probably even ones that I'm forgetting about. But after that one, my parents ended up moving out, not because of that, but their house was ready. yeah ah We still saw them all the time or tried to, so ah we would have family dinners, and it was it was just once a week, just dinner at their house. There was a lot of times that my partner did not Show up for the dinners and it was because other things took priority. I'm sorry I just like this whole thing is about like showing up for your person He just like was physically not showing up yeah like and not even just like emotionally but just like not Physically in the room physically there like yeah and and yeah and like I mean so I do remember I will give this tidbit that I I think after after everything happened and we were in therapy, I mentioned like how how much it hurt me that he wasn't at these dinners, that he missed a lot of them. and I think he expressed that, you know well, we don't know how many dinners there were going to be. and I'm like,
00:24:34
Speaker
ah yeah i'm like yeah yeah, we didn't know. and Spoiler, there weren't that many. so to miss as many as he did, that really fucking sucked, especially for the reasons that they were missed. Because, I will say, that there there was one or two times that I couldn't make it, and one time I ended up going the next day and just having dinner with just me, my mom, and my dad. And it's funny, I can't remember the reason why I missed. I think it was a work event, and it was something that was important, but I don't even know what it was now. like So clearly, in the grand scheme of life, it wasn't that important.
00:25:12
Speaker
But i i mean it it was my dad, so obviously like I made more of an effort to try to make up for that lost time. So I went over the next day, so this was like a Thursday and we're in June now. And I just remember this was the first time that my dad had dinner at their like kitchen bar. I was feeding him because at this point he couldn't use utensils to feed himself and I was telling him this really stupid story about how difficult it is to build a deck in your own backyard. But anyway, so it was just nice. like He was also having difficulty speaking much at this point, and I remember telling him this story and like ah seeing him laugh. and like It just it made me so happy and like I can still picture it. and like it was It was a beautiful night with him. and I was getting ready to head home and I was going to come over,
00:26:03
Speaker
the next day because there was some Fridays that my mom had to go into work and my dad couldn't be alone at all anymore. And I would come over and I would work remote and I would make sure that he ah got up and I would use what's called a hoyer lift. um It's basically like this this mechanism that are that are in hospitals and it's like a sling that goes under the patient and then you kind of crank up this mechanism and it raises you up off of the chair or the bed or whatever you're in. And then, so you're lifted into the air and then you can push this mechanism with the patient around to get them to a new spot in the room. So that's that's the state that we're at just to kind of give you the picture of where my dad's condition was at. And so yeah, i would I would get him up from bed, I would help him go to the bathroom, I would brush his teeth, I would give him his medicine.
00:26:57
Speaker
And I remember on this day, he I was given him his medicine and he was extremely uncomfortable. And if you if you can imagine, I'm not going to go into much more detail than this, but just to paint the picture a little bit, if you can imagine being a completely abled-bodied person and slowly your body is becoming paralyzed and your you know your muscles are fighting it, especially like since he was so athletic and in shape and active.
00:27:27
Speaker
that his muscles really fought it and that made it so much harder for him and he was so uncomfortable and he was so agitated and it was to the point where I was I was panicking and I was calling his hospice nurse trying to like get her to tell me what medicine to give him. We had a slew of medicine that we would give him whenever he needed it. I was calling my mom and I knew she was in meetings but anyway so Eventually, we got him calmed down, but it was really hell on earth that day. And I'm getting like choked up just remembering it, but it it it sucked. And it was not at all what I expected. And the next day was Saturday, and he passed away that night. So...
00:28:14
Speaker
I love you. So all that to say, I mean, just it was a hell of a lot to go through. And, you know, from reading that first diagnosis of I have five to 10 years with him and I had four months, like that fucking sucked. And It didn't end there, unfortunately, like, and it just, it kept going and I was trying to heal and doing that with a partner that still repeatedly showed me that he did not understand what I was going through. It eventually took its toll on our relationship, obviously.
00:28:57
Speaker
All this happened right around your birthday? We did, yeah. Right around Father's Day. And Father's Day. No, I remember the day after my dad died, we were gonna have... that Sunday we were supposed to have a Father's Day birthday little lunch. And everybody sang me happy birthday. And I was like, shut up. But obviously I couldn't say that. My brother's kids were there and I was like, I'm gonna smile. I blow up my candles and I went to my mom's guest bedroom and I cried. But yeah, so all that happened around Father's Day and around my birthday. So that was just a little cherry on top.
00:29:31
Speaker
Thank you for acknowledging that, first of all, because I think that just adds. Oh, I remember that, no. Like, yeah, i when it happened, I was like, I didn't see, I could not not see the irony in like the worst time in your life is like around those events, you know? Yeah.
00:29:47
Speaker
Anyhoo. So, yeah. After all that happened, obviously, there is, like, the healing process.
Support and Infidelity
00:29:53
Speaker
I was trying to get back to my normal life as best as I could. And I think I talked once before, maybe, that I, like, was trying to put on this mask of of being happy and, back like, okay. And I thought I was doing a better job of it. And it turns out I wasn't, which is, well,
00:30:15
Speaker
I will say, sorry. yeah I have to say this. we talk We talk more about this in our next episode. Thank you. No, that's how the person design is like so long no the part I was going to say was like, you know looking back and you like retelling your story and looking at the timeline. and We talked about this in my episode too, this like grief fog. and you know i felt there is some like I feel a lot of guilt about like not even kind of appreciating how much you were going through when I was starting to go through stuff, and you still are. And like, I do remember even before my marriage fell apart, like the downfall. The downfall. You did put on a good mask. And I wouldn't say like good as in like it was a good thing because I don't, I think that you should be able to be sad, but I think you did a really good job of putting on a mask. Like you threw my bachelorette party
00:31:10
Speaker
and no one would have been the wiser. Like, my friends even said when you mentioned that, you know, what just happened to you, like a couple, like, if it were weeks before, right? Like, and I mean- God, was at that a timeline? I mean, yeah, it was, right? Wasn't it? I think so. Yeah, it was, yeah. Timelines are hard. Timelines are hard. Free frog is real. Yeah. So it's like weeks, couple months, like, after things, like, you were just, like, right on top of things, and I think,
00:31:36
Speaker
you know, as your best friend, I think I can see that you're the type of person that does like throw yourself into something to like... Distract you from that. A little bit of distraction and a little bit of, like, I genuinely wanted to be happy. And I was also really excited for you and your wedding, right, Tom? Like, I will have to say, my friends will vouch for this. It was, like, the best time ever. The best party. We had a joint Bachelor-Bachelor party and, like, all these... There was, like, 20 people. So fun. It was, like, the best time ever. It was a great time, good job. Thank you for doing that. I will always... All that's going on in history is, like, one of the most fun times I ever had, even though, like, I didn't end up getting, like, staying with that person. But my bachelor was also super fun. We'll just pretend like it was a little party. It wasn't for anything. But yeah, so kind of during my healing process, I was also helping you go through your divorce. And honestly, I'm not going to say thanks for going through that, but it was a nice distraction. So thanks, Zoe.
00:32:34
Speaker
You're welcome. um Anything for you. Yeah. yeah um And so during this time of us of me trying to heal, basically there was this one really explosive argument that happened between me and my ex, and that is what made me sign us up for therapy because I i was like, something is really messed up. And going to therapy, we only went for a month, but it unearthed more issues that we had.
00:33:00
Speaker
which I won't go into, but it just, it, so while, maybe, sorry, I was just like, maybe you don't have to go on into the, end like the deepest details, but like maybe at like a high level, like I know some of them are like, I'm not respecting your boundaries, stuff like that, right? Yeah. I mean, definitely like y'all heard the red flags episode. If you haven't go listen to it, but a lot of those red flags were triggered.
00:33:22
Speaker
You couldn't pick it up. Personal experiences. So, I mean, just generally not having empathy, at least not in the way that I needed it. Yeah, crossing boundaries, and really I learned that my boundaries have been crossed for years before any of this happened, and I just accepted it in a way, and I honestly felt like my grief was an inconvenience.
00:33:47
Speaker
And that sucked because obviously everybody wants to be happy, but like when people go through a hard time, you're going to be fucking sad. So sorry you got to stick through some hard times. Sorry, not sorry. I will not apologize. um So yeah. ah So basically, the downfall. The downfall. If this wasn't enough of a downfall. But anyway, now the real downfall. The next downfall. Yes. The waterfall of downfalls. It was always downward.
00:34:15
Speaker
We're on the way up. Yeah, I sit down. Now we're fine. Now everything's fine. Obviously. so ah yeah So we're in therapy, about a month into therapy. this was Now we're in March of 2024. I get an Instagram notification that a new account is following me. Oh my God. Yeah. Zoe is saying, oh my God, because I immediately screenshotted it to her and I'm like, what the hell is this? So the account that followed me, the username was YourManCheated.
00:34:43
Speaker
f I i have vividly remember this moment because I was packing to go on a trip to Italy and we were texting and I was like kind of scrambling around like I feel like I was like just a mess and I was like what like ah following along what was going on I was like this is unfucking believable.
00:35:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So basically, i I have this account following me. They messaged me and they're like asking questions about my ex. Basically, they asked if I knew that he was planning on leaving me for somebody else.
00:35:20
Speaker
And I said, no, I did not realize that was the case. I am just not aware, thank you. Thank you for the human vision. Yes, yes. We can laugh about it now, but man, that was a- That was not, yes. That was a Monday night. I was reading a book in bed, ready to go to bed. Yeah, dope. So I had all the receipts, there was screenshots, I messaged my husband, and I'm like, what the fuck? folk is going on. He was in Las Vegas, right? Yes. Like on a trip. He was on a business trip. On a business trip. So you couldn't even like directly talk to him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that made it even worse. And eventually when I did get him on the phone, it was obviously very
00:35:59
Speaker
argumentative and you know there he had no defense and I had all the receipts I needed and evidence was out on display. So yeah, he came home a couple days later after his business trip and I would like to say I'm proud that I never let him stay in the house again. But anyways, we we try to talk about everything and you know get to the bottom of everything and he did express that he made a mistake and he wanted me back and but bla Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just put it in perspective that for months you were like coming and helping take care of me while I found ah found out. point This is a good point. Well, like, things are falling apart for me, A. And B, then you found out, we all found out that my ex had been cheating on me the whole time.
00:36:43
Speaker
yeah And you're taking this back to your husband and talking to him about it. I'm like, oh my God, I cannot believe he did this to my best friend. Right. And he saw me crying for you. And like there were times where I was on the phone with you and he heard you. He saw me. Yeah. And doing the same damn thing. Literally, like I think I made ah not a joke necessarily about it, but I was like, man, it's like your ex wrote a book and then gave it to me. Yeah, I'm like, what the hell is going on in here?
00:37:16
Speaker
so He had expressed remorse, basically, for everything, and was trying to make amends. And one day, it was just like two weeks after I found out about everything, and I was like, let me look through your phone. So I went through his phone, and I found out some things that I was not very pleased to find. And I mean, it was just straight up disrespectful, to be honest, and I lost my shit, to be honest. I almost broke his laptop. But I didn't. and Instead, I just smashed something else with a bat. So it was therapy, okay? Therapy.
00:37:47
Speaker
It's actually proven not to help, though, for paint. Does Smash, you know those break rooms? Or like where you go and like smash things? Yeah, it doesn't help. There's like studies that like that doesn't really help. Your Gresham actually just kind of feels... Well, I need more Gresham. I was... We should go do that. I have a video of me smashing something with a bit of paint. I remember you doing that. Yeah. Yeah. And it felt damn good. I'm not that angry anymore, though. I don't know. I'm not that angry either. No. No. I get a little sad sometimes about nostalgia.
00:38:16
Speaker
Yeah, and it's more like, man, I can't believe this is where my life is now. like it just it just Because it's not just the loss of your person, it's ah the loss of your future together, which I think we've touched on, but it's that. You're just in a totally different place than you thought. Yeah. I'm not sad for the record. For the record. I get sad so a little bit sometimes. I get sad, but overall. I'm not sad. Yeah, I'm like i'm happy that I'm not with that person and really genuinely, yeah really genuinely am. I think it's a blessing. it's and I'm like, man. It still hurts though, what they did. you know yeah nothing and Just because we're okay doesn't make anything excusable.
Reflection and Freedom
00:38:52
Speaker
Exactly. But like I will say, like this is how I have looked at it, is that like my dad passed away and he was very religious. In my mind, I'm like, okay, he's up next to God and he's like, God, get my daughter away from this man.
00:39:08
Speaker
and Could it have been in a better way, maybe, but here we are. you It happened, it happened, and like I'm like, okay, you know what, this is what I needed, and here we are. Anyway, so yeah, eight months later, ah finally divorced, and I'm free. I'm free, I'm free, I'm free. Have you seen that video? Oh my god, this is gonna like age us, but I think most of the people that listen to this are our age. There's this guy that's like this guy, and he finds his cockroach, and he's like, oh god, I'll have to find it, and he's like, be free.
00:39:41
Speaker
But you are free like that cockroach. I'm free like the cockroach we are. That made me feel good about myself. I don't know about you. But every time I'm feeling down, just say, I am free like a cockroach. They survive anything. We can't do it. We can't kill us. Yeah, we can try. People have tried and failed. We can do it. We can survive anything.
00:40:06
Speaker
we hit the town with our dancing Okay, so so with all that, what do you feel like you can share that you learned from your past relationship? Nothing. And it's demise. still And the downfall. And the downfall of the divorce. One, I would like to say, hold on to those that you loved because you never know how much time you have left with them.
00:40:28
Speaker
As far as it goes with my actual relationship with my partner, I really encourage everybody to try to find a partner that is going to support them in their hardest times. Because no matter how great your relationship is, something is going to happen in one or both of your lives that is going to be hard. And it's obviously not easy to tell that in the beginning. Like, can you can you support me during hard times? But I do think there were probably signs early on in my relationship. And another thing I ah kind of jotted down that stuck with me is people's true colors will show early on, AKA red flags. When somebody shows you their true colors, just fucking believe them. yeah If their intentions, if you just feel like something's wrong, like kind of trust your gut. I mean, don't sabotage things, but like we just really
00:41:23
Speaker
Don't let things slide so easily. Don't change your opinions so easily. Don't manipulate yourself into the mold that they want you to fit in, because in the end, something's probably not right with your relationship, and something internally within you will kind of tell you that.
00:41:50
Speaker
Okay, so first of all, thank you for sharing your story. Yours is super personal and not just about your marriage and your relationship with your ex-person, but a lot more intimate about like your family and your life. so And I'm just really proud of you and where you're at now. Thank you.
00:42:08
Speaker
I love you. I love you. I think you have like a special game for us. I have a special game. I would like to lighten the moon because I know that was also really hard. So I have seen TikToks recently. um Always has good content. I'm calling it blind ranking. Okay. And so there's different themes that people do. But for instance, I saw on the other day that um this guy was recording himself and the theme was what another guy can text your girl. and then So on on that theme, random, quote, unquote, texts from another guy to your girl's phone would pop up in no particular order, and you have the rankings one through 10 on the side of your screen. Oh my God, okay. and you have to Based on only seeing one at a time, you have to rank it. Okay, I love it. So I think it was bad or one will be the best?
00:43:02
Speaker
Okay. and Then 10 will be the word. Absolutely no. Okay. and So our theme is going to be things that a guy does on a first date. Okay. I love it. Okay. Okay. Got it.
00:43:15
Speaker
Okay, so you're gonna rank these things. um i'm gonna You don't know what the topics are. okay I'm gonna throw them out to you one at a time. So and these are things that a guy does on the first date. One being the totally fine, like that might be a good thing. Ten is like, oh my God, I cannot believe he did that. Okay, got it. Number one, ordering for you. Do I get to ask questions? No. Okay, that's tough because if I didn't if i didn't tell him what I wanted, that's really fucking weird. I'm gonna go with um Okay, let's go four, four, okay. Pulling out your chair.
00:43:50
Speaker
before I sit down like while I'm sitting down. My little child. Okay. While you're two. Two. Two. Okay. I feel like that could be gentlemenly. I don't really like that, but I feel like there's going to be worse ones, so I'm ready. All right. Being rude to the server. As a 10. Nothing can be worse. Worse than possible. Worse than that. Okay. You're done with your meal, and he's stacking up the plates to organize the table.
00:44:17
Speaker
Okay. I'm going to go with one because I like that. That one's good. I feel like that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. Only talking about themselves and not asking you any questions about yourself. Oh my God. I hate that. That's an eight. Eight. Ick. That's so bad. All right. Um, checking out the server. Obviously. Is it a man or a woman? no Doesn't matter. Um, nine. Nine. Okay. Waiting for you outside if he arrived first.
00:44:46
Speaker
That's it. Did I already pick a one or a two? You did one and two. Okay, that's a three. That's good. That's really nice. Yeah. All right. um Not putting the napkin in his lap and leaving it dirty on the table. That's like not that bad. i I'm going to go with like a seven. Okay. Maybe I should have picked a seven. Okay. July, you've done. Okay. Splitting the check without discussing it before, and he's the one who initiated the date.
00:45:12
Speaker
I'm not like a super picky about this. I'm gonna go with your six. Six, okay. Talks with his mouth full. All you have left is five, so I guess that's the one in the middle.
00:45:28
Speaker
Well, that's it for today's episode of Whore's Divorce. If you're enjoying the show, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. And give us a follow on Instagram and TikTok at Whore's Divorce for updates, behind the scenes content, and maybe some and inspirational videos and a whole lot of silliness.
Conclusion and Farewells
00:45:46
Speaker
Next episode, we will get into P.O.P.EZING! Okay, with that then, I guess we'll just tell everybody happy holidays, and we'll see you in the next year. See you in the next year! Bye!
00:46:00
Speaker
I'm righteous divorced!
00:46:11
Speaker
that the no i mean you kind of fucked up audio gar up head got