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Episode 3 - People, People PLEASE
47 Plays8 months ago
In this episode, your favorite quirky, divorced best friends dive into the complex world of people-pleasing. What is it, why do we do it, and why is it actually a recipe for unhappiness? They’ll break down the hidden costs of always saying “yes,” the emotional toll of always putting others first, and how people-pleasing can keep you from living your most authentic life. Plus, they share practical tips for setting boundaries, valuing yourself, and prioritizing self-love. Get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even say your first guilt-free “no!” Saddle up for an episode all about breaking free of people-pleasing and learning to put yourself first.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Whores Divorced!' Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, I'm Zoe. And I'm Melissa.
Focus on Life Post-Divorce and Personal Stories
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to Whores Divorced! Okay, I was trying to say it like, oars divorce, because I know you want to say it more like that. Because it's oars divorce, oars divorce. I think Melissa doesn't like that I stress the whores part. I don't know, Zoe's trying to talk some shit about us, but I'm stressed. Okay, so ok so this is the podcast where we basically navigate life as two best divorce friends in their 20s or late 20s. We're just doing this for fun mainly because our friends told us that we have interesting stories to share and we'll really use any excuse to get together and talk to each other about this kind of stuff.
00:00:37
Speaker
And we'll also talk about all sorts of things, everything based on our own experiences, kind of what we've learned through our divorces, from heartbreak getting back out there to really just finding yourself after a divorce or really any major breakup in your life.
00:00:54
Speaker
fresh oh I'm say that we're not doing this to show our exes. I mean, I got the disclaimer part right. and then i We both went through something really shitty. And talking shit about our exes doesn't make us feel any better. So this is for us to share our own stories, what we've learned, and maybe relate to other people who might be going through something similar. And just give ourselves a little bit
Exploring People Pleasing Behavior and Personal Challenges
00:01:17
Speaker
of therapy. And like you said, just something fun to do together.
00:01:26
Speaker
All right, so today we're going to be talking about people pleasing. So what is a people pleaser? Tell us what a people pleaser is. People please.
00:01:36
Speaker
Please tell me. I don't know who invited you. Wait, sorry. There was like something I almost wanted to share. It's a clip from That's So Raven, and it's a teacher. Do you remember this? There's a teacher that spits and he's like, people, please pay attention, people. People. That was a cool memory that you just saw. I think about that. Okay, sorry. Please do. Please, please tell us what a people pleaser is. Spitting your eye. Anywho, okay, so people pleasers.
00:02:04
Speaker
are individuals like you and I ah who often disregard their own needs to please other people. And that sounds lovely. However, this can lead to harmful patterns of self-sacrifice and self-neglect. So I think we're going to talk a little bit first before we get into a lot more details about people pleasers.
00:02:24
Speaker
We're going to talk about why we want to talk about this and a little bit of our own backstory. So we have both self-identified, well, I don't even know if it's self-identified. I think other people have identified it. I think other people have identified it. The therapist has identified me as a people-pleaser, and it is a problem. So I was going to talk a little bit about me first. Recently, after I got divorced, I jumped into what you call a relationship, a situation-ship.
00:02:49
Speaker
A relationship, okay, maybe like, okay, a situation. yeah And um I kept maintaining with this person that I only wanted to be friends. And I only could be friends because ah was just it was too fast. The emotional state you're in, like, freshly divorced, wasn't ready. Yeah, yeah it was like weeks after my divorce. But this person was amazing. We went on a ton of adventures together. I feel like this person brought color back into my life when I was like in a really dark place.
00:03:17
Speaker
And even like silly things like this that I've told my friends had like were were life changing. He taught me how to use power tools in my house. Yeah, like mow my lawn and like use the edger thing. I love it. And it sounds silly, but like that those little things were tools to my independence that were really important for me. And just like figuring out, like hey, I can do this on my own. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay, especially after like being with someone in my whole adult life and then having to figure out things I didn't know. like This person helped me learn to ah invest in the stock market and things like that. It's like really really fun stuff. They're really riveting things. Like lawn maintenance.
00:03:54
Speaker
and yeah and finances um but this person really did change my life.
Personal Experiences with Relationships and People Pleasing
00:03:59
Speaker
An incredible person, an incredible friend, but ultimately, we we're in different places in our lives and we're on different paths. and I use this metaphor a lot. I probably overkill this with like my friend circle, but I like to think of it as we're in a car,
00:04:14
Speaker
And he's driving. And I have a map on where I want to go, but he's following his own path. He's following his own directions. And I kind of felt like we keep driving at the speed he wanted, on the path he wanted, and I kept kind of looking at my map. I'm like, oh, I don't know if I'm on the right way. This doesn't feel right. I feel like we're kind of lost or I'm not on my path. Men don't like to ask for directions that way. Oh, this is all right. Sorry.
00:04:39
Speaker
don't know where that came from but um but that's kind of how it felt is even when I would say you know wait hold on slow down and maybe we would slow down a little bit but we're still on we're still following his directions and at some point I kind of realized that I had to get out of the goddamn car. I felt like I just wasn't going to my true path. I mean, who knows? This is an amazing person, and maybe one day you'll find that we're going to the same destination. We're just taking different routes. But ultimately, like I just knew this was the wrong time, and I had to get out.
00:05:12
Speaker
I just found that I wasn't able to really advocate for myself and my needs. This is where I first started to recognize some of my people pleasing tendencies and we'll get more into that once we get talking more about what those are. But I will say even looking back at my relationship with my ex-husband, I realized there was a lot of people pleasing tendencies like For example, I felt that he was pretty insecure in the relationship and he didn't like me to be bright or have attention or like live to my fulls personality and to avoid a lot of kind ah kind contact to avoid conflict.
00:05:51
Speaker
and appease him, I now can look back and say, that's killing Melissa, she's done. right To avoid conflict, keep it together. I do feel like I look back and I realize like I turned down myself, like I turned down my personality. Kind of like I talked in my episode about like my story, like he dimmed my light. And I avoided attention, I wasn't really authentic. i like Kind of fit the mold that he wanted me to fit anyway I realized now like looking back at these relationships with people that I have a people I have a people-pleasing problem say that five times fast like me
00:06:33
Speaker
but me know you handle it Okay, so I'm gonna, that's me. I'm gonna pass it to you to talk a little bit about why you think you're a people pleaser, please. Why I identify as a people pleaser. Please, let me. Please. Based on what I thought a people pleaser was, I don't think I've had a therapist tell me that. I've also only been in therapy for like a month at a time. And then we got a little expensive, so I'm about out of that. That's so sad. That's sad. We need to, anyway. I know. I need to get back to the therapy. No, I just saw that it's so expensive. That's the thing. It's like, anyway, sorry.
00:07:01
Speaker
and know But this is kind of therapy, so. This is therapy for us. This is free therapy. There you go. Yeah. um So yeah, I mean basically like I almost identify as somebody who goes above and beyond for. You do. Friends, families, members. Families. People that are in your family. Anybody's family. But honestly. Maybe. But honestly. You definitely are, do you go over and beyond?
00:07:25
Speaker
over doing the same wheels. Okay. Anyways, but like even for strangers, like I don't want to say no. and like kind of To me, what this means is like going to every single event, even when maybe you're already burnt out or you're stressed out with things, you already have plans the same day, you're too busy but you don't want to say no to anybody. and Then on that same note, like are you throwing a party? ah Do you need something for that party? I'll be there, I'll bring it, I'll do whatever you need. I love doing that, so that's what makes it So it's okay. We'll talk about where it gets not okay. It's called it's balance. yeah Do I have it? I don't know. Even things like always having an open shoulder or like an ear to listen, basically, if you're already at like an emotional low and people are coming to you emotionally and you're accepting it, it's that can also be really detrimental, I have found. I will say that I remember, I mean, you were still, I mean, you're still grieving, but you were in like the depths of grief for your dad. And when my everything was unfolding for me, I remember being able to call you and you drive down like an hour. I remember you threw the shower for me well down here, yeah drove back home and it's an hour. You were in the bath. I called you and I was like,
00:08:38
Speaker
this person is basically leaving me and you drove all the way back. You were in the bathroom, you're washing your hair. I had shampoo in my hair. I was like, hold on, I got to rinse this out. I mean, I think I really appreciate that. I look back and I do believe you go over and beyond for people, but I think, I mean, we'll talk about when it's good and when it's bad. It's learning when it's necessary and when it's healthy and like, Also, protecting yourself. And that situation was not about protecting myself. I was like, there was no question about it. I was going to be
Identifying Signs of People Pleasing
00:09:08
Speaker
there for you. Yeah, but now I've traumatized you. Because I feel like you were taking a bath recently and I called you and you're like, what is that noise now? What is that? I was like, hold on, you can't take a bath now. I'm always on edge. Bath now.
00:09:21
Speaker
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, can continue, continue. Anywho, where I kind of realized people pleasing was kind of toxic within me was that I accepted boundaries being crossed. Yes. In my last relationship and in one of our first episodes, I think I've heard of his episode. I talked about one of my red flags was partner of yours putting their wants and goals before like their partners wants and needs and that comes from people pleasing like oh you want something you have a goal like i'll I'll do whatever I'll take care of things so that you can achieve what you want and then really I've like done some self-reflection and
00:09:54
Speaker
just really I have a hard time saying no to anybody, anything. I think that stems from basically like maybe a desire to be liked by everybody. Yeah, we're going to get into that. Is it a fear of missing out on opportunities? I know for a fact that I have so much anxiety, if I feel people are upset with me, I will spiral, especially now.
00:10:19
Speaker
i i don't know it's I don't know why it's been on overdrive lately, but since I think since my divorce, it's been on overdrive where I think maybe just my whole life is kind of in disarray. And so it's i just I want everybody to be like open and honest with me and like friends with me and like I have i haveve people in my corner. But yeah, i mean i think i'm I'm trying to figure out how to how to balance everything. like How do you balance this on your own and then how do you also balance this when you're in a healthy relationship?
00:10:54
Speaker
All right, so with that little intro, we're going to get into signs that you may be a people pleaser. So this is seven signs that you may be a people pleaser. We'll alternate between each one. And then the little thing that I left is a little bit of a surprise that I wanted us to do. Yes, I wanted us to do was after you describe yours,
00:11:17
Speaker
I want you to rate on a scale of one to five, one being never, five being always, how often you do that thing. I want to be honest, I read these at work today and every single one of them was an absolute gut punch. And I was like, oh are you just writing these about me? Yeah, I was like, God, Zoe, targeted. Okay, so I'll start. Okay, so you may be a people pleaser if you have a difficult time saying no.
00:11:42
Speaker
It's almost like I just said that. like i just That's my whole story. that's why that is all about but That's my personality. yeah So this means like you're constantly agreeing to tasks and favors, even when you're when you're overwhelmed or uninterested.
00:11:57
Speaker
Oh my God, Melissa just found something in her wine and I don't know what it is. a little bit extraified She's just gonna pick it out and keep drinking it. This is like, so, accepting invitations to things you don't want to do. Overcommitting to plans, responsibilities, even projects. So like, think work. People can do this at work. ye Yes. You feel guilty having to tell people no. Or you also fear that turning people down will make them think you're mean or selfish. And then they won't like you and then they'll hate you and you won't ever get invited to anything ever again. And you'll die. Yes.
00:12:27
Speaker
Favorite lasers, that's what happens. Okay, so I... Oh, wait. Still have one to five? Is that what I get to do? Yes. Well, yeah. Actually, this was mine, so I was going to rate it. Oh, yeah. But you know what? I think you should also go. No, you go. We should do both. So I'm going to say I'm a three. I should keep score. You should. I'm going to score. Okay. And this is how you feel like you identify with these signs. Yes. So you need to tell me one through five. Ooh, ooh. That's a hard four. I'm going to say five because I feel like something worse might be coming.
00:12:54
Speaker
Okay. No, but you can choose a five. You can give you five on all of them if you are. I'm going to do five. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is no silly game. Okay. This is some sort of assessment. This is a test. This is a test. I am excited. You're done. Go. Okay. You might be a people pleaser if you agree to things you don't like to do or things you don't want to do. This is basically a fear of conflict. You avoid disagreements and confrontations even when boundaries are crossed.
00:13:22
Speaker
You'll tell others what they want to hear. You'll avoid voicing your own opinion. All just to avoid any type of conflict. You might act like I said. and caught Any type of contact you'll avoid. and no no That's just use. Don't touch me.
00:13:37
Speaker
um You might change your opinions to align with other people, even if it contradicts yours. no um You just kind of want to maintain peace and harmony. That sounds lovely, but at what cost, oh I ask. And then you might go along with things that aren't enjoyable to you. Again, just to avoid that. Contact. Contact. Avoid the conflict. Okay, what would you say you are for this?
00:14:03
Speaker
I usually do a lot of things. I'm going to give that a three. Okay. I'm going to also give that a three. like There are definitely times and situations where I'm like, it's best not to like make this an argument. But I don't i would say I don't i don't often just like let things slide if I'm like adamantly disagree. Yeah.
00:14:20
Speaker
Okay, next one. oh You are preoccupied what with what other people think. So you seek validation. You have reliance on external approval to feel worthy or feel valued. And Zoe and I are just staring at it.
00:14:36
Speaker
I'm like, that's not me, that's not me, that's not me. We have to have like a separate episode on in general, like on validate like validation, external validation, but especially validation for men. yeah I would say for me, this one is tough because I don't feel this pressure really from friendships. I think I feel it because of things that have happened from men. like I think of a a problem with men. So if we say that, probably I'm gonna give it a four.
00:15:02
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I get it before because, like, I think I've had a problem with validation from men for, like, basically my entire adult life, so. And then I i also have it from friends. I'm like, I want my friends to think I'm fun to be around, I guess. Collages every angle. You're not, so you don't really need to push. Well, stinks. We're taking that off my plate. So you can really just stop worrying about that is what I'm trying to tell. I'm trying to, like, just relieve some of the anxiety. just like Okay, next one. Anywho, you're always telling people you're sorry. Maybe you should work on that. Oh no, this one has no problem. Over apologizing, you'll frequently apologize, even when it's not your fault. Again, just to maintain that peace and harmony, or to prevent somebody from getting upset. You'll blame you'll take the blame when something isn't your fault.
00:15:45
Speaker
which I think is really easy for people pleasers to do. Yeah, definitely. Oh, no, somehow, some way I call it. This is my fault. Yes, no. Yeah, no, I've definitely done that. But I would say like this one isn't my biggest. I'm going to give myself like a two here. I'm going to do a three. Okay. I feel like maybe this goes along more for me of like,
00:16:04
Speaker
Oh, like, yeah, you might have been done something wrong, but I did this too, you know? Yeah. No, I know what you mean. Like, you just want like them to feel comforted or, like, not so bad. I'm trying to give them peace and harmony. Yes, exactly. like um All right, so the next one is... Oh, God, this one's like the... This one's so... Okay. This is so cute. This is so mean. You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others. So this is really just like minimizing your own needs, downplaying or ignoring your personal wants, your own interests, your needs, your feelings to prioritize others. You might have challenges with advocating for your own needs. Yes. You exhibit a lack of personal boundaries. Yes.
00:16:40
Speaker
I'm just gonna put Chuck Myles next to this for you. But you have difficulty asserting yourself even when you're being mistreated. I think this one to me is like a four. Maybe this one's a five, this one's a five for me. I gotta be honest, this one's a five. Yeah, God, yeah, I feel like it's a five, cuz I, like just thinking about like my past relationships, and again, like literally red flag was your partner prioritizing their goals above yours and their wants and everything, and like I just yeah willingly sacrificed that to make peace and harmony.
00:17:08
Speaker
Yeah, and just letting someone abuse your boundaries, which definitely like, yeah, I definitely thought you did that a year, yeah. Okay. You want people to like you and feel, I hate this, and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval. I feel targeted. Basically, you overextend your help. Offering help or taking on more responsibilities maybe than you're able to, when it could be inconvenient, it could be unnecessary, you're just really extending that extra hand. Okay, so this one's definitely you. yes I'm going to go ahead and write down a five. is a hard fire you hard five This one's a five for you. I would say I'm probably a four.
00:17:44
Speaker
oh Yeah, I'll say I'm a four for this. Okay, um crime okay so that's that's the sixth one. There's only one more on our list here, and this one is like this one like speaks to me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you feel like it's your job to make someone happier, manage their feelings. This is like, this one's so tricky for me because I still, sometimes I still see myself falling into this and I don't even
Emotional and Personal Impacts of People Pleasing
00:18:05
Speaker
realize I'm doing it. But basically you're taking responsibility for other people's feelings. You're taking excessive measures to ensure that they're happy. You're making decisions based on what they expect of you or they desire instead of your own personal preferences.
00:18:19
Speaker
say with your chest is that very damn good damn this one's a particle okay this one's like a seven three um so i think i'm gonna put five god i'm gonna say four i like that so let's get three or four start four really don't say that okay so let me add up our scores really quick while i do some really quick math i'll have to edit this part out because it's going to take me just a couple minutes here yeah
00:18:44
Speaker
eight twelve fifteen twenty twenty five you'reling on okay listen my i six and twelve son but one Okay, so after we counted the scores here, I'm at a 26, Melissa's at a 29, and that actually makes me real. Let's be real, we're off the charts. We're off the charts, that's none of that's good. So I think, yeah, none of that's good. I'm not, I don't know. This, we kind of made up our own assessment, but I just feel like that's not. I don't think, if I had a five, they would not like that. I'll take this to my therapist and I will read her your response. Please do. I will, so you'll have to pay for therapy. Oh my god, like this. Zoey. I'll just talk about you. Yes, you can take it like an alternate personality and it'll just be me and then rip back to me. Vangel really thinks I'm doing well. Yeah, she's like, Zoey, put the rest. Yeah. Significantly in a negative direction. She's doing much worse. Okay, so with that, then I think we'll go ahead and talk about... Why is this a problem? Why is this a problem?
00:19:44
Speaker
All right, so why is it a problem? People pleasing isn't always a bad thing. There's some good things to it. Basically, being a concerned and caring person is important. It helps maintain healthy relationships with people that you really care about. However, it becomes a problem if you're trying to win approval.
00:20:02
Speaker
no or to shore up a weak self-esteem, or if you're pursuing happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being. Amen. So yeah, there's like a distinct difference between being nice and being a people pleaser. So people often do nice things for a range of reasons. They like to do to feel good, to help people, return a favor, or to earn a favor. If you're doing something because you're afraid that you'll be disliked or rejected, if you say no,
00:20:32
Speaker
There is a strong chance that you are a people pleaser. And it's not just being nice. Just circling back to that. Okay, so we'll get into the problems that people pleasing can cause. So first one is a big one to me. So a loss of identity. So people who think a lot about pleasing others may become less aware of what they want or how they feel.
00:20:55
Speaker
So you become a little bit less in touch with your own needs or who you are. You might have challenges distinguishing your own likes, dislikes, your hobbies from other people. You might not know your true desires, your wishes, your goals. You kind of lack authenticity, which is something I want to work on in 2025 is like really being authentic, which I think I'd be authentic. I think I sent you like an un hinged voice message the other night where I was like, 2025 is being authentic. And i I was being like that, like I kind of lost my mind. Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about because you've sent me so many unhinged. No, not just voice messages, unhinged things in general that I don't know which one you're referring to. That's me being authentic. Okay, so people pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate people. So this means you might start to not live your life very authentically.
00:21:40
Speaker
And it can start to separate you from knowing yourself at all. And is's something interesting is it kind of hides your true self from other people. What's really important in close relationships is being able to show your authentic self with other people. So you're really preventing yourself from having deeper connections with other people.
00:21:58
Speaker
and Another thing I can lead to, stress and anxiety. anxiety Our best friends, basically. um That's our names. I'm stressed. No, I'm anxiety. You're stressed. You don't want to be stressed? I feel like you're stressed. You you want to be anxiety i'm anxiety? I'm prescribed anxiety medication. um ah You can delay that one. I'm anxiety. I'm stressed. I'm stressed. So now that we've established our self identities, which is very important for people please fish to do. So I think we're doing fine, Zoe's therapist. We're doing just fine. so Stress and anxiety. just back to johnson um This can happen when you're frequently being overbooked. You have a high workload or a long to-do list due to people-pleasing and this all results to stress and anxiety. So yeah, it's basically based on commitments that you've taken on. You might get frustrated by all these commitments you've taken on and you then never have time for yourself. um yeah um And then ah kind of time back into Zoe's point, like you behave in an authentic way. You ignore your true wants or needs because you're taking care of everybody else's commitments and ignoring your own commitments. All of it just boils up inside of you and yeah just a little ball of anxiety. saying Yeah, yeah very very much so. Would you say like, in general, are you stressed and anxious? Hell yeah. Yeah, I would say so. I mean, not for you. I mean, for you. but like like i'd say so like yeah i've no yeah
00:23:17
Speaker
Okay, so the next one we have is you're very tired and So this kind of deal, I mean like, you know, you're stressed anxious you're gonna get tired So you're taking on too much and this is something I'm a victim of I shouldn't say a victim because I should really You feel like you have to put on this like cheerful persona for other people and you have to be friendly and nice and cheerful all times. It makes it like so mentally and physically taxing. I remember one time at work many years ago at my previous job, I was having a bad day and I was kind of low and I just didn't feel like giving the energy. And I remember someone was like, are you okay? And that was like probably very nice of them to ask, but I also was just kind of mad at them for asking. So I was like, can I have a goddamn bad day?
00:23:56
Speaker
Like, do I have to be a human? Do I always have to, like, lift everyone and be the energy? Yeah, exactly. And, like, I did realize at that point, I was like, I don't really like that. I mean, I like that people think that I'm this fun, energetic person, but I am human. And I'm going to have days where I just feel like shit and I just, I'm tired. And that doesn't mean, like, I'm not okay. It just means I'm a normal person.
00:24:17
Speaker
I also did want to touch on that one because when, let's see, this was when I was going through the, I was processing my dad passing away, and one of my friends like later on, she had pointed out to me, she was like, I noticed you just haven't been yourself lately. And this was like months afterwards, and I was like, dang, really? like I really thought I was kind of hiding it well. You're grieving. I was grieving, but I was also trying so I was walking hard to put on a good face for everybody, and I genuinely wanted to be happy, but that was the people pleasing. It's like I didn't want people to see how sad I was. It makes me sad that you feel like you had to put on a face for other people. It wasn't like I was making a conscious effort of it, which is kind of a weird thing. It's sadder though. It's ingrained in you. Yeah, the people pleasing is ingrained.
00:25:05
Speaker
please But yeah, it is and then like even that I was like damn it I've upset somebody because which I didn't upset her in any way But I was like I've upset somebody by not fulfilling this mask anyway It was this whole thing, but I'm like terrible it led it was it was kind of caused by like I mean I was exhausted and emotionally physically mentally everything and I'm just like I Dang it, I thought I was holding my mask well. I thought I was people pleasing enough and I wasn't people pleasing enough. People pleasing. You shouldn't have to, though. I know. I've learned that now. No, that's good that you have learned that. I will say also on this one, interesting story, I went to a tarot card reader recently. I'm picking a tarot card reading. And the tarot card reader told me that, this is so interesting, I can remember it correctly, he said, you're going to finally take off a mask?
00:25:51
Speaker
This is so wild. gad i e gad And in east he said, not necessarily for other people, but for yourself. And I was like, what? And he's like, you're going to feel that you finally don't have to be anything for yourself other than who you are. And I was like,
00:26:06
Speaker
while at the front door. I know. Also, you know what he also said? He said, this is so crazy. This is why I believe in this stuff, and it's okay if you think I'm totally psycho. Well, I do. But, okay, so there you go. It's totally fine. He told me that um my purpose was sharing light through my voice.
00:26:22
Speaker
and I was like, I'm starting a podcast with my best friend. It's just crazy. Anyway, so I don't know how we go. Does he follow us? Is that why he knows? This was before we launched, but I should definitely send this to him. All right. Cool tidbit about tarot cards. I want to do that sometime. We should go. However, next one, neglect. If a person has, however, neglect. However, neglect.
00:26:51
Speaker
and I might read it for her. No. I read it for her. Come on. You got this. Neglect. Stop doing that. That's what that was, that floating thing you found earlier. Oh my god, I'm sorry. Okay, neglect. If a person has little time or energy for themselves, they might neglect aspects of their own self-care.
00:27:19
Speaker
This can include but oh personal hygiene, dear God, and if I didn't look at it. Anyways, appearance, never us, my God. ever us Mental or physical health, very much us. Or their career. It can even mean that they have less energy to help others in the long run, so like you might be doing the little things in between, but overall you're not really helping, and that really hurts me as a people pleaser.
00:27:40
Speaker
It can even make people prone to depression. And that starts with their own wants and needs basically don't matter in comparison to anybody else that they deem important. That was really tough for us to get through because Melissa can't keep it together. Okay. We're moving on to resentment. This is the last one we have as as a problem. So huh when you're a people pleaser, you feel like you have no choice to please but to please others. Please, please.
00:28:05
Speaker
So, you may eventually grow into some resentment in your role and this causes anger and frustration. This can manifest in passive aggression, which is when someone indirectly expresses anger. What's bad about this is that this can lead to relationship burnout. So, you start feeling drained.
00:28:25
Speaker
and exhausted in your relationship. At least a tiredness, number three. Yes, it does. And you you feel like maybe you enjoy, really you really do enjoy helping other people. But at some point, you're going to hit this frustration because you're reaching a point where you feel like you're always obligated to do things.
00:28:42
Speaker
And this can lead to this cycle of like helping people and then getting mad at them for taking advantage of you and then feeling regret or sorry for yourself. And it's this vicious washing machine. And then you feel like nobody likes you. And it's just like, it's also bad. Yeah. so And that's why we don't do laundry because it reminds us of the washing machine of emotions. People pleasing. People pleasing. And that's why we're not taking, we're neglecting. That's the hygiene factor. It all ties back together.
Causes and Influences of People Pleasing
00:29:09
Speaker
Oh my. yeah Okay. With that, we're going to move on to the root causes of people pleasing.
00:29:17
Speaker
Okay. So we're going to look into the root causes. What causes people pleasing? This can vary from person to person, but we'll go through all the different common root causes and we should try to identify which ones ours are. Yeah. So start. One. Drama.
00:29:37
Speaker
job Okay, it's often a trauma response. So people-pleasing can be can stem from trauma or some sort of life experience, like a devolve. So this is interesting. to My therapist told me about this. You may have heard fight, flight, or freeze as like a response to like a highly stressful experience. Which fight and flight are definitely the most common. Freeze, I feel like, is newer. Oh, do you think that's newer? I thought so, yeah. I feel like people are always like... like Oh, shut like so you're right. No, okay, that's fine. But there's a new one. Fawning is actually a complex response to trauma. So fawning is basically people pleasing. ah It's a way to like settle conflicts and maintain approval from other people in relationships. And to be honest, I feel like this is my root cause for people pleasing is I have a lot of trauma from my last relationship. by
00:30:33
Speaker
but Sorry. Sorry. So I have a lot of trauma for my last relationship. I bet you and but you do too. A lot of it's... out of this abandonment and rejection and wanting just to be chosen by someone and not losing someone. And I think I lost and in this, like, situationship that I was talking about. I lost a lot of my conviction and my own choices and decisions and what I wanted in my own life because I didn't want to lose someone or I didn't want to feel abandoned by someone else.
00:31:05
Speaker
OK, I'm going to hand over to you. So yeah, another topic is emotional dependence. So people with emotional dependency, they might fear and avoid being alone. Yeah. They might engage in people pleasing behaviors, and then they'll seek that exclusivity and romantic relationships. This kind of longing may lead to individuals with emotional dependence to abandon their wishes. That sounds so dramatic, but it's so true. And just to fulfill their partner's desires. If this sounds like you,
00:31:35
Speaker
You might have an emotional void, a chasm, apath um or a mother wound. That one's interesting, right? Like you have a void. so I mean, I think it is not alone. Yeah, I think it's about being alone, which I think is so important after you've gone through a serious breakup. Be alone. Sit in your sadness. Be alone.
00:31:54
Speaker
sit in your sadness and just like accept that like, hey, this shit happened, I'm gonna process it, do it by yourself and then move along with your life. Move along with your life. And then just carry on and everything's happy go lucky. That's how it works. Carry on. So I am focusing on trying to be alone because my theory for myself is that if I just force myself to be my myself and I'm okay and I realize I'm okay and everything's gonna be okay,
00:32:20
Speaker
that I won't fear being alone because I know that you can still be happy by yourself. And that way I won't feel pressured to find a new relationship or jump into something. Where'd my wine go?
00:32:33
Speaker
ah so I'm bringing it in. I'm looking around for it. all right yeah have a no Okay, what I'm trying to say is I'm right in an era of Moses losing it, focusing on myself because this might sound weird, but I i really do think forcing myself to be alone will help me learn that I'm going to be okay by myself, and I don't really need to be with anyone else, and someone else is in addition to my life. So, and you know lawn maintenance and finances now. And so, do I really need anyone else? Basically, you're fine. I'm really fine. So, I don't really need to fill that void anymore, and and I think I've had too much wine if I took Melissa's. And on that note? We'll move to the next one. Culture and socialization. So, the culture of your family, your community, your country.
00:33:20
Speaker
are May influence how you view your duty towards others and yourself and you may be ingrained in you that total selflessness is a virtue and the collective is more important than than the individual for example so actually what's interesting to me is I've reflected a lot on this is like I've thought of that my people pleasing is hyper specific to relationships because of my past trauma. But I've also realized that my family dynamic, my parents, they had like a small business growing up. I realized I had to be like a face for that business and I felt like, say, no, yeah, you're making me think so much more about this. Keep going. No, seriously, I thought a lot about this and I always felt like I had to be on or I had to make sure other people felt included or comfortable. And I really put my feelings in a backseat because it was important in my family culture and our situation for me to always be like, happy and pleasant and kind, and this was ingrained in me. I'm not saying my parents did something to me that is traumatizing, but it was subliminally ingrained in me that how I felt about things shouldn't matter that much or should take a back seat or should be hidden a little bit so that other people are happy. They're like the greater community. Yes. I have never thought about it that way. Isn't that crazy? I just started recently thinking about that. So anyway. Trauma. Trauma.
00:34:41
Speaker
Well, I would say this is more of a, this is more of cultural and socialization, which is this one. But I have definitely noticed- Trauma. Trauma. Everything's trauma. Neglect. um I have noticed that this is actually another root cause for my people pleasing. So, okay, with that, I'm gonna hand it off to you for the next one. Let's dig into another one. Low self-esteem and social anxiety. I read this wrong. I read people who feel like they're worthless.
00:35:07
Speaker
um worth less than others with last key may feel that their knees are unimportant. They might advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want, which I feel like ties back into the whole like self identity kind of concept. They also might feel that they have no purpose and that they cannot help others.
00:35:26
Speaker
which is the like absolute worst nightmare for a people pleaser because they all they want to do is help others. yeah so to it Again, we're back to the washing machine. well You help people too much and then you feel like you can't help others and you spiral. um Some people may attempt to please others because they feel anxious about fitting in, rejection, or causing a fence. For example, a person with social anxiety might feel that they have to do whatever their friends want just so that they'll like them. yeah And it can be basically this like subtle attempt to control others' perceptions. Which is an anxiety thing. Yeah, maybe that kind of goes back. I know you kind of talked about how you felt like this lack of control. Oh, yeah. Is it all anxiety things? Yeah. And I think maybe that's ah a subliminal thing about people pleasers is like slightly having control over the situation. It's all about anxiety. It's like you really care what other people think. You care about like controlling the situation. The last one is um inequity. This one's interesting and I like that we include this one. So there's this thing called ah benevolent sexism. What is that? What is that? So that basically means that
00:36:28
Speaker
As women, we may feel that we must be the nurturing, maternal, caring figure in a relationship, and we have to put the men first. I'm scowling. Yes, she's scowling. And this is just a societal thing that women may internalize and feel that they need to put their partner first in relationships. And this can definitely lead to people pleasing. You put yourself last because you feel like as the woman, you have to be the nurturer. the maternal one. You gotta take care of the husband, you gotta take care of the kids, you gotta take care of the house. Yes, you matter less because you're putting other people first, because that's the female, the feminine thing to do. And that's just not true. We're all people. We're all people. Please, please, please, please, people. We gotta all wash dishes, okay? Just do it. Do not use the washing machine. Don't ever use the washing machine, because you'll end up in this spiral.
00:37:20
Speaker
Okay, the last thing we're going to talk about, tips to reduce and tendencies of people pleasing.
00:37:31
Speaker
All right, so last segment, tips to reduce the tendencies of people pleasing. Yes, so um the first one that we have on our list here is, this one's so important to me. Sometimes you just need to get some space. You need to get some space so you can reflect on the things that you want, your desires, who you are as a person, rather than focusing on what other people want. Sometimes you just need like to get away from other people so that you can really see what you want. You need some clarity.
00:37:59
Speaker
especially because I feel like as a people pleaser, other people's feelings influence your feelings so much that you're so like entangled in it that you can't separate that from your own. Oh, definitely. I think um a good example for us is like with my situation trip, I really needed some space to figure out who I was, what I wanted in my life. And when we went on our cross trap to Italy, that was the first time I felt like I could really separate and think on my own and think what I won for myself. And that's when I really could decide like, hey, now that I've had space, I have clarity on the fact that A, like I'm really not ready for a relationship right now. And B, I think my path is something completely different. And that's when I decided that I wanted to move to every country. And I needed that. Well, it's just mouth bench to me. And that's important though. Sometimes as a people pleaser, you really do need that like quite literally like that physical space from someone else to be able to really be introspective and look at who you are and what you want. And to not tie your emotions to somebody else's emotions. Yeah. It really is. Another one is you got to prioritize your own needs.
00:39:11
Speaker
And this one's really hard for me personally. But just speaking up when something's bothering you. I think as people pleasers, we want to avoid conflict at all costs. And so speaking up is really hard to do. The next one we have is setting healthy boundaries. And I do think we need like a separate episode completely on how to set boundaries or boundaries. are Yeah, boundaries in general, definitely. But you need to learn to set limits about what you will and won't tolerate with other people.
00:39:37
Speaker
You need to be clear about those boundaries, specific with people, about what you're willing to do and take on. And communication is really key there. It's like, if you are shifting how you've been in the past, oh yeah. People are going to be like, are you okay? What's going on? People are going to think differently of you, and that's really hard as a people pleaser if people are thinking differently of you. You're not used to that and you're setting those boundaries. yes And just really communicate what you're working towards. Yeah, you need to be clear. You need to really put thought into your boundaries and creating your boundaries. So an example is maybe you only take phone calls at certain times or you set limits on when you're able to talk to other people so that you can create space for yourself and not let people kind of creep into your your U-time. You really need to focus on protecting your peace. Protect your peace. Protect your peace? Protect your peace.
00:40:26
Speaker
And you might find though by setting these boundaries that there's like some sort of, there's some there's some toxic relationships in your life that don't respect these boundaries. And this is a good time to look at them and say, this isn't serving me, these people aren't respecting my boundaries. And it may be the time to remove some of those relationships from your life.
00:40:43
Speaker
So another one is like hobbies, finding hobbies that you enjoy, but finding your own passions, and that can really help you identify like who you are, establish your sense of self, and just like can honestly kind of take up some of your time so you're not so worried about what everybody else thinks.
Strategies to Reduce People Pleasing Tendencies
00:40:57
Speaker
The next one I thought was silly, but it's not silly. Stalling. Stalling is an important tip, stall, meta one, stall. This is important. So when someone makes a request or asks something for of you, it's actually important to take explicit time to to stall, to panic. just Just take a beat, but it's okay if you panic. It's okay if you panic. It's good to think about something before responding to someone immediately. So when someone asks you for a favor,
00:41:24
Speaker
Tell them you just need a little bit of time to think about it. When you say yes right away, you might feel like you're obligated to doing something. Taking the time to respond can give you time to evaluate whether or not it's like actually something you want to do. So these are some of the questions that you should probably ask yourself. How much time will this take? Is this something I really want to do?
00:41:44
Speaker
Do I have time to do it? How stressed am I going to be if I say yes? Rehearse the word no. Saying no is really hard for people pleasers, but there are tactful and empathetic ways to say no. It sounds cheesy, but rehearsing some of these before you speak with somebody might help before you speak ever again in your life.
00:42:05
Speaker
It can be hard to make a sudden and change. So you might be really used to saying yes immediately, like Zoe just said, but changing those behavioral patterns can be really, really hard. but So that's why on a lot of circumstances, you literally have to retrain yourself. Yeah, um you do. And the people around you. Yeah, you have to you have to teach them, you have to show them. like No, no, no, no. Like dogs. Anyway.
00:42:27
Speaker
But, like, start in, like, smaller ways. That might be easier to cope with it. If it's too hard to tell people no in person, you might tell them no over text. Just send them, like, no. They didn't even ask anything to say no. Say it to yourself in the mirror. If you're ordering at a restaurant and they say, do you want this food that you ordered? No. Yeah, no. Just practice. Say no to everything. Have you ever seen Yes Man?
00:42:54
Speaker
Yes, it was the opposite. you No, woman. yeah No, no, woman. Start saying no. I think um something andrew interesting, reminding yourself that no is a complete sentence, meaning like you don't have to explain yourself when you're saying no. Yeah, you don't have to be like, no, i have to do that yeah you don't have to apologize after like, no, sorry, I have something else or whatever. No, just no. Just is someone's like, hey, you and no.
00:43:17
Speaker
and immediately. Don't even let them finish. No. and No. Okay. So another really good one is time blocking. So this is a little similar to giving space, but maybe a little bit different. So blocking off time in your own day to give you time for yourself and it's off limits to other people. Maybe it's like just like a mental block that you're like, no one else can bother me during this time. Or maybe you actually set up like a calendar block to automatically. Really? Yeah, to make me know. Overwork, right?
00:43:43
Speaker
I was trying to go to the gym, and I would be like, I'm leaving work to go to the gym. And it's like this time, nobody can bother me, right? It didn't work, but I tried. It didn't work so badly. But it might work for you. It could work for you, so don't, yeah. Okay, yeah, next one is... Avoid over apologizing. Again, like I just said, when you're saying no, you might feel the urge to say sorry. No, you can't do something or be somewhere. Avoid that. There's no need to apologize for protecting your own peace. Never apologize. Never apologize. No apologies. You can do no wrong, basically. You can do no wrong. Just remember that. Say no and never say no. That will lead you to a lot of great things. Yeah, I say no, I'm perfect and never apologize. Leave me alone. And they will. And they will. Next one, embracing discomfort. So just know that some of this is going to be uncomfortable and be open to that because every small step that you take toward getting away from people pleasing, you're going to gain more self-confidence that will help you take control of your life again.
00:44:42
Speaker
And first time you should validate your life. And you should validate yourself. That's number 10. So if you start to feel overwhelmed or like tempted to cave in to just say yes to people and do whatever they want, try to, that might sound cheesy, but try to do positive self-talk. Yeah, definitely. It really helps. And I know it seems weird at first, but really give it a try and really commit to it and kind of laugh at yourself. It feels good later. And basically just kind of remember that your goals are what are important. Google's are what are important.
00:45:10
Speaker
And I will say, I have a, what are they called? God, I can't remember right now. I have an app that gives me self- Motivation. Yeah, self-motivation. But it's like, what are they called? Oh my gosh. i can keep No, nonpiration no, no. No, this is so sad. I can't even think of this right now. But it's it's like self-positive talk. And I will remember later, and I'll feel very embarrassed for not remembering, but I have an app for it. And it gives you just like just like different words of information. Affirmations, god damn it. Affirmations that just help you kind of feel validated and you can customize. I can send that. Yeah, customize and then like read them out loud to yourself. I think that really helps. It really does help. People think it's silly and they're like on my home screen, on my phone, but
00:45:49
Speaker
I will say, really, it really does help. It really does. like That kind of stuff is really good for you to train your brain, like psychologically, to keep training your brain to say positive things to yourself and keep validating yourself. It actually is life-changing. It seems silly, but it really is life-changing. I laughed the first time I did it, and I was like, this is really ridiculous, but it is very helpful. yeah Okay, so with all of those different tips, in summary, you don't have to give up being like a kind or thoughtful person. All the things about people pleasing can be good qualities that contribute to like long lasting relationships. But you really need to examine your intentions in doing these things. Remind yourself that you cannot please everyone.
00:46:30
Speaker
And if you're starting to realize that these signs or these habits are interfering with your own well-being, then you need to try to follow some of these tips that we laid out here or maybe even talked to a therapist about how to manage some of this behavior, prioritize your own needs, and so establish your own boundaries.
Inspirational Quotes Game and Reflections
00:46:49
Speaker
And I said this in an earlier episode, but like you are the person that is going to be with you yes through your whole life. So like if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself, don't like that is detrimental. So really ah it's very important to take the time for yourself. Yeah, definitely.
00:47:12
Speaker
Okay, so with that, we're going to do a little bit of a game. It's not like our previous games where it's all about moon or like quality spell dating. it's This one's kind of fun. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to read out some inspirational quotes to you, and I want you to try to match these with the seven signs of people pleasing. So yeah um so you'll need to open up your people pleasing reference documents here. Yes, right, that's your documentation.
00:47:36
Speaker
And this the there's no right answers. These are wrong answers. I'm just gonna read these quotes. I thought they were all really impactful and special. And we'll just kind of talk about what you think, where they relate to the different signs of people pleasing. Okay, I'm ready. Okay, if you're ready, the first one, you can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no to people.
00:47:56
Speaker
difficulty saying no. Yeah, that one's easy. Ding. I felt like that one was a right or wrong answer because that one was easy. Thanks. I'm just really smart. You're really smart. That's good. Good value. Yes. Positive self-talk. Next one. Teaching others. Oh, God. This one, like, teaching others how to respect your boundaries is important. No, wait. I'm not done. There was a dramatic pause.
00:48:19
Speaker
Teaching yourself how to respect them is life-changing. Okay, something about neglecting your needs kind of speaks to me on that one. Yeah. I think that's the final answer. You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others? Yeah, definitely, because you're not setting boundaries. Yeah, I mean, there was no right answer. You know, actually, there was no right answer, yeah. No, I feel like whatever you feel... This is a test. This is a test, and you're failing. This is my stress. This is the stress. I'm failing.
00:48:43
Speaker
The next one, actually, this is my favorite one with all of them. Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. Ooh. Ooh. I know. This is like my goal to be like authentic. Ooh, but ew. Yeah, I know. I hate that. I hate that, but it's like, God, that sucks. That sucks. Number six, you want people to like you and you feel like doing things for them will earn their approval. And like I, 1,000%.
00:49:08
Speaker
rely like I heavily rely on people's validation and people liking me and people wanting to be friends with me. So that is, I'm a prisoner. You're a prisoner. And like you said, like the most important thing is that you need to like yourself. And I think we get lost in trying to make other people like us. Yeah. Okay, know next one. Don't be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to make everyone else happy.
00:49:34
Speaker
Oh, God. um Oh, gosh. I feel like this could apply to a lot of things. I feel like this is like, ah like maybe this is one of the signs, but it's like, yeah losing yourself or like not having a self-identity. Neglect. Neglect. Neglect. Neglect. Neglect. Final answer.
00:49:50
Speaker
Because you're so focused on making other people happy, you kind of forget about making yourself happy. Yeah. Okay, the next one. Don't feel bad for making decisions that hurt other people. You're not responsible for their happiness. You're responsible for yours. You feel like it's your job to make someone happy or manage their feelings. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Y people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who have benefited from you not having any. Yes, like really check your friends. If if you're a people pleaser and you are now trying to not be so much of a people pleaser and respects your own peace,
00:50:32
Speaker
Really check the people who are upset with you for doing that. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because nefarious intentions were had by them. Yes, definitely like to say. Okay, so there's two more. When a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself. ah Oh my God. I know I saw that too. I was like, um but I will say like this one really spoke to me because I have felt like I always have to be perfect for so long. Pedestal. Pedestal complex. Pedestal. Yes. It's like I felt like I have to be perfect.
00:51:07
Speaker
And like when everything fell apart in my life, I kind of finally felt like it was okay not to be perfect. And crazy enough, like that finally set me free. yeah like Now I can do what I want to do. yeah and like it' like yeah I don't really care, you know? There's a Black Mirror episode that you would really enjoy. That show scares me. Some episodes are very scary. This one wasn't scary. But anyways, I'm going to go with you want people to like you and feel like that doing things will earn their approval.
00:51:34
Speaker
Yeah. mean all like Or neglect your own needs. There's so many. There's so many. That's the only one. Last one. This one's kind of a common saying, I think. Well, it's popular. You are not required to set yourself on fire and to keep other people warm.
00:51:50
Speaker
You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others. You neglect that you shouldn't be on fire so that people are warm. Yeah, definitely. like You don't have to like kill yourself to make other people feel comfortable. That's where the tiredness and the burnout, all that come the stress, things that all that comes from that because you're so preoccupied with making sure that everybody else is okay and you just get put on the back burner. What about you? Yeah, when is it important for you to be happy if you're so focused on
Conclusion and Listener Interaction
00:52:18
Speaker
other people? Think about that. Think about that.
00:52:24
Speaker
Well, that's it for today's episode of Oars Divorced. If you're enjoying the show, don't forget to subscribe, rate, or leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And follow us on Instagram and TikTok at oarsdivorced for any updates, behind the scenes content, maybe some inspirational videos, and a whole lot of silliness. And we hope you have a good start to your 2025. Ooh, wild. Wild! Otherwise, I guess we'll see you for the next episode. Bye!
00:53:01
Speaker
I can't wait to listen. There's no way I'm deleting this, I'm just gonna edit it out. yeah Don't change yourself. Thank you very much. But change yourself in a good way. But hey don't but change yourself? But change yourself, but like still be fun for me. But I'll do it in the way you do because I love you. Well. Is bottle of wine too much for two people? That was so much editing, isn't it? Neglect.
00:53:32
Speaker
we try