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Dear Alcohol
475 Plays5 years ago
This is the honest story behind my 'Dear Alcohol' Instagram post from Feb 14, on my 1 year of sobriety. I am fortunate to have a supportive wife that facilitated this conversation, as she guided me to open up about some things and share, things that I've never shared before, that are not easy to, but are very much part of this story.
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Transcript
Introduction and Milestone Celebration
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello. Hello? Yeah. Did we start? Yeah. Oh, I mean, you're so casual. Yeah. Well, turning over a new leaf. Yeah, you just look at you, just relaxed, casual, happy. My goal is to start every single podcast with the same thing. So when I say hello. Yes, I know. Hello. Hello. Hello.
00:00:32
Speaker
Yeah. I'm sure that won't get annoying. I think that's why we don't have as many listeners. Although if you are listening. You pick 10,000 listens. 10,000 listens. Yeah. Lifetime listens. Sounds exciting. You got a congratulations email. I did. From the podcasting gods. I don't really know what that means.
00:00:55
Speaker
I mean, we listened to it 7,000 times. Anyway. Yeah. Somebody actually asked me how many listeners there are. And I think there's like a couple, like 200 projects. It's tough to kind of tell. And then I always wonder, I wonder who
Introducing a Personal Topic
00:01:14
Speaker
those 200 are. If it's just like, I wonder how they, I don't know, whatever. I don't care. Don't care. No.
00:01:24
Speaker
Well, today we are going to talk about something I think is probably one of the most more important topics that we've discussed. Personal and very important to you, but I think the reason, as we've said with all these podcasts, is just how it can be impactful for other people. So in you sharing your experience and your story about it,
Sobriety Journey Begins
00:01:54
Speaker
So the other day you put up a post on Instagram, a letter to your alcohol. So for people that haven't seen that, what was that post? It was a letter I wrote to alcohol on the one year of being sober.
00:02:20
Speaker
uh and i actually didn't i didn't view i didn't view my decision to stop drinking as sobriety stepping into sobriety yeah i just didn't really so what did you view it as so you last february february 14th of 2019 you had already
00:02:41
Speaker
stopped drinking, but it was Valentine's day, had a glass of wine, but that was the last day. I stopped drinking, I think at the end of January and then, or beginning of February. And then it was Valentine's day. And I think we had like a nice bottle of wine or something. But what was the decision? What, when, when you decided you kind of said like, I wonder about, I remember when you said it, like going to try to not drink. I don't think you set out though, for like this one year,
00:03:09
Speaker
It started like, I wonder how long I can go. I wonder what it would be like to stop drinking. And then it turned into kind of a year and now it's like, I'm not sure I'm ever going to drink again. Yeah. Yeah, it didn't. It certainly didn't. I didn't start off on it.
00:03:25
Speaker
I think that I had the idea like, okay, so one of my, my first level one actually working for like on a level one staff. Um, Pat Barber, we were talking, he was there and he was saying he stopped drinking for like a year to see, just, just to see about it. And he's got this crazy thing where he actually like doesn't get hungover. Yeah. I remember. Yeah, it's crazy. Um,
00:03:50
Speaker
But nonetheless, he was just like, yeah, it was like, whatever. And I was like, oh, like, that's like, that's cool. Like, you know, doing a full year. Like there's some other people that I knew that would do like six months on, six months off kind of thing. And, you know, that's fine or whatever. But I didn't start off on it really with any goal of.
00:04:09
Speaker
challenge so to speak you know what I mean like it wasn't I wasn't quite sure what the Intent of it was gonna I I shouldn't say I wasn't sure what the like finish point of it so to speak was gonna be I just knew that I needed to stop drinking I mean and I would almost say like We'll take sugar for example For someone that has no
00:04:38
Speaker
for someone with a healthy relationship with sugar. I don't know that it would ever occur to them to say, I'm going to take a year off of eating sugar. So do you think that inherent in saying you're going to stop doing something you recognize there's a problem with it, your relationship? I knew I've known for a very long time. I've had a problem with it. Right. So that what made you decide at that point that you needed to
00:05:08
Speaker
stop because there wasn't some you've had and I've experienced with you some real low points with alcohol but it wasn't like I could see something happening hitting like a rock bottom and then saying like wow I have to stop drinking that didn't really happen well into that decision no there's a couple things one I didn't want to I didn't want to be drunk in a position where
00:05:38
Speaker
uh i wasn't i'm not sure how the outcome would go in terms of like my life what does that really mean that sounds like yeah so like at that point i didn't want to get drunk and kill myself okay that's basically what it means like i did i wanted to remove uh an environmental from my life because at that point and for the past couple years and whatever um there have been ideations there's been moments where
Dangers of Alcohol Misuse
00:06:06
Speaker
Yep, like booze has been part of it and I That's like not something I want to do and so I think it's really tough to say that it is tough to say that but you know, I That's just what it is. It frankly and so Yeah, like recognizing didn't have I don't want to say you didn't have control over. Yeah 2019 was a as we've talked about recently for you was a
00:06:36
Speaker
Challenging year. I think there were some one high points. Yeah But it was I think this year that like kind of brought a lot to your attention like finally brought some things to the surface and it kind of Escalated actually over the course of the year, but for you deciding that now looking back That decision to control the one thing like something you could was probably the best thing you could have done at that time because it did end and
00:07:03
Speaker
in a place that was a little bit of a rock bottom for you that really was, I think, a positive in the end. But had alcohol still been part of your life, that would have probably gone very differently. Yeah. And I think that, yeah, you said some things came to the surface, and sure. But I think that I also fucking nosedive and went deep.
00:07:22
Speaker
Like that was the thing too. So I went, I am a firm believer of going within yourself. You mean over the course of the year? Yeah, over the course of the year, over the course of two years, you know, kind of thing. Do you think alcohol would be a distraction from being able to do that? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. So like for you, because I think there's, um, like I would never look at your
00:07:50
Speaker
are like I mean, we've the time we've been together. Yeah. And it's I think people have a I think people have a stigma on like what that looks like to have a problem, a quote unquote problem with alcohol. So probably in the entire time we've been together, there's maybe been two instances that were like
00:08:10
Speaker
bad alcohol-related incidences. And I mean, I saw you in a position, like you were a very different person. That's not to say that something happened that was like, you weren't abusive or nothing like that. And I don't think that's, and for a lot of people, if you ask most couples, yeah, they've seen their spouse intoxicated.
00:08:37
Speaker
So, but that, but I wasn't, I'm not, it doesn't mean that when, I was very aware though that you had an unhealthy relationship with that person. Well, some of the shit that you didn't see was also some of the bad stuff. Sure. When you lived down on base. Yeah. But the thing is about that is like, I wasn't completely unaware of that. I just wasn't fully exposed to it, but it was very clear to me, you stopping, the fact that you were unable to not
00:09:08
Speaker
Like you, part of your coping mechanism was stopping and getting a six pack and yeah, for sure. However many ordering, whatever, you know what it really would be. It would be having a couple when my team was deployed and I wasn't, which really fucking gutted me.
00:09:26
Speaker
and I didn't because personal stuff with us and I was getting out and If I deployed there's a high chance. I probably would have reenlisted on deployment also Because it would have got a nice fat check tax-free cash and been like right on Anyway, there's a bunch of stuff going on. I was basically isolated on my own without a purpose and
00:09:51
Speaker
just sitting in with no life. I mean, really, because on the week, like, no, I was down in Clarksville. Yeah. But my job, but my team was gone. Sure. The company was there's a couple of teams training. Like I wasn't doing really much. Sure. I would jump. I remember saying to the one time, like, I need to jump out of an airplane because I need to do something. And so the last, what, maybe six months was that? Yeah. It was just like once they left and then once Nate and then Nate left, once Nate left, I think it got bad. Um,
00:10:22
Speaker
So you would, so I would have a beer or two in the team room, just like by yourself. No, not always by myself, but then, then I'd have a beer or two. I'd have a beer on the ride home from base. Right. So I'd leave base. I was living in a house in a situation that was
00:10:46
Speaker
Not ideal, you know trying to save money send everything back home kind of deal and just you know Pay as little rent as possible. So that wasn't great. So I'd have a beer on the ride home usually and then I'd stop and get like a six-pack or a few like big Foster's cans and Yeah, and then just pretty much drink the rest of the night right and so I think that's
00:11:15
Speaker
And it was masking and covering up things that I really needed to face, you know, but I also felt really numb and I was drinking to feel something. And that was, uh,
00:11:32
Speaker
You know, that's a problem. That's an issue. And for me, the problem was like, like, really? You're, I think about like, so you're, you're, what's wrong with you? You're going to, and I wasn't drunk. Like there was no, there would have been no way. That's what I'm saying. Like, okay. Eight beers. Some might say, my point in this is some might be like, well, it's not like you blacked out.
00:11:58
Speaker
No, you know, and that's the thing is like, well, that doesn't have to be the problem. The problem doesn't having a poor relationship with alcohol and it being unhealthy doesn't mean. But why would I need to drink a beer on the right home? Well, right. I mean, that's like, like what's wrong? What is wrong with you? You know what I mean? I mean, that doesn't occur to most people. Like I would never. Yeah.
00:12:20
Speaker
Yeah, I mean that's just because that's not like that's just not good, you know, so Anyway, so I wrote this letter dear alcohol as a way to I think that there's a it's a powerful experience to write a letter I've had some clients do it and it's very very real And so I was wondering so I
00:12:44
Speaker
I was wondering what I, you know, the one year thing of what, say what you will about like anniversaries or milestones, but like, I liked, like I'm going to celebrate that.
00:12:52
Speaker
But I wanted to bring some, I was wanting to bring some awareness and some closure to this issue.
Inspiration and Impact on Others
00:13:01
Speaker
And so that exercise of writing a letter to either yourself or to something that really has been a major influence in your life is very powerful thing to do. Yeah.
00:13:16
Speaker
So I wrote it and yeah, it was, it felt good, you know, for sure. It's always a bit nerve wracking when you put something out into the, to the world of social media, uh, because people judge the shit out of you. Um, that's just how it goes. And then people are also though inspired by it. And so I've had multiple, um, green berets reach out to me and tell me how important that was.
00:13:43
Speaker
some have taken sobriety into their own hands now and there's quite a few people who have decided to stop drinking because that was what they needed and that's not me doing anything other than saying like look being honest putting it out there yeah like this is something i struggle with and this was the deal and you know i think the big thing about the letter is it was always me like i was always the problem
00:14:11
Speaker
And so getting back to your question about like what made me stop drinking.
00:14:16
Speaker
Yeah, I knew I had a problem for a long time, but I also knew it was only a matter of time before something very tragic happened that could, that had alcohol in the picture. And that's not to say that once alcohol was removed, all the problems went away. That's not it because alcohol wasn't the fucking problem. I was the problem and I continue to be in everything like, you know, in just normal things. And so I wanted to remove something that could be a scapegoat.
00:14:45
Speaker
I wanted to remove something at a point in time to where like, and we had drank a lot. Like we drank quite a bit before, especially when I first got out and like, and I love making, and I'll still make cocktails for people. Like I'm looking at a couple of nice bottles of booze neck down. I enjoy that. Like I enjoy making a cocktail for people. I think it's just like making a good cup of coffee or food or whatever. And, um, and that's, that's fine.
00:15:08
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, when you got out, we did a fair amount of drinking. Yeah. And I am not a big, like, since you were never a drinker. Yeah. I mean, I've never really been a drinker since you stopped drinking. I haven't drank much at all, just because it's just not really part of our. Yeah. And I don't care if you drink. No, I know. I'm just saying that's not part of our, like, whatever. I'm not a big drinker. No. However, I do think it's interesting for people
00:15:38
Speaker
Yes. So you're the problem. I get what you're saying about that. Yeah. But yes, alcohol changes people. Yes. And brings out, maybe not changes them. Some people are silly. Yeah. Some people are whatever. And for you, I think what alcohol did, which I'm not, it wasn't, it's not good, but in some ways it's like if you were just a silly drunk,
00:16:08
Speaker
be a lot easier to just not really see alcohol as a problem but you aren't you kind of i feel like it brought out like all the darkness when you would drink and i do know and i would plunge further into it yeah and it would be just impossible to you know so so when people are having you know as people do in their life struggling with just normal life things yeah then you add that to it and now you have
00:16:33
Speaker
conflict that's very hard to separate what's real and what's the alcohol. Yeah, what's being now said because the alcohol is it's it's a it makes things much more complicated. And I think that's another thing I'm sure for some of the people that reached out to you like
Genetic Predisposition and Alcohol Use
00:16:54
Speaker
It's not just a you problem. It's a fam. If it extends to like the spouse and family. And so I think, um, start, you know, looking at that and removing that from the situation. I mean, there's a lot of shit that I need that I.
00:17:10
Speaker
Needed to need to and will continue to need to work through and address and And my I've never known how to drink responsibly. Okay, so would you think so? Here's a question. Do you I Mean obviously there is Like a genetic predisposition. I mean, yeah alcoholism. Yeah do you feel that that's a
00:17:36
Speaker
What it is, it's like, what made you, or do you feel like, and that's kind of how you just were introduced to alcohol at a young age and like you just never had a responsible relationship with it? Or do you feel like you always used it for a numbing agent? I don't think I always use it for a numbing agent. Um.
00:17:55
Speaker
No, I don't think I always use it for a numbing agent. And in fact, I think recently, like it, I don't know if it has been numbing. I think it's been the opposite of wanting to feel something. Cause like, there's a lot of, like if I were to get a buzz or get drunk or whatever, like at least I would feel sort of something. So I mean, I think more of an escapism, you know what I mean? Um, so I think the genetic thing is, is certainly something to look at and that's, you know, certainly there. Um,
00:18:25
Speaker
I think that you said you never had a good relationship. Yeah. So essentially I it was never just like, oh, I have a beer to maybe like.
00:18:35
Speaker
I just don't remember ever having, like, I would drink and not know how to stop. And I'm kind of an addict in that regard. Like, I don't know how to do much in moderation. I know that's sort of like a throwaway thing now. But we used to, when I would come down on weekends, it wasn't like, maybe we would have two or three drinks. It wasn't like you were then stopping and buying a bottle of vodka. No, no, no, no, no. And that was because, because you know why? Yeah, because you know why?
00:19:02
Speaker
Because I was in a one of the most intense periods of my life and I everything I did From the second I enlisted and took an oath of enlistment into the army until the second I or until the moment I Received my brain crossed the stage Something was incomplete There was no like have fun on the weekend type thing. So you felt like your responsibility overrode that I
00:19:27
Speaker
Right. The purpose, like when I talk about like, what do you want or how do you want to be or who are you and what are your things that you're going to engage in and pursue and step into the unknown as expressions and chances to display who you are. For me at that point, it was, it was the path to becoming a Greenbird.
00:19:45
Speaker
That kept me in check because I also know like if I'm drinking a lot on the weekends, I'm not sleeping, I'm not recovering, I'm not. And so it was like very pretty binary for me. Everything I did pretty much was intended for one singular purpose. And that was to be the very best I could every single day because the path that I wanted to do and the goals I wanted to accomplish would demand and require that. And not everybody did that.
00:20:14
Speaker
But I, that was me. But so that there was a checks and balances, but more so than when you got out the problem, you see that as kind of like if there was a pinnacle of like the problem with your relationship. Yeah. So the long standing, the undercurrent when I was in, let's just say,
00:20:36
Speaker
When I was in, we'll just say the cue course, because that's probably when I was most responsible with drinking. I really didn't drink at all. Maybe on the weekend, if you weren't coming down, I wouldn't really drink. Definitely didn't drink during the week. Maybe a beer or two on the weekend, but there's no way I was coming through the gate with alcohol on my breath if we went out to El Cavs or something. No, I'm just fucking not doing it.
00:20:57
Speaker
And I never understood people that like could just party and have fun. And they, they still, a bunch of them still became green braids, graduated, good dudes. I like them. I just, that for me, I was just like, no, I'm not gonna, that's not, I'm here to, I'm not here to make party memories. I'm here for a mission. So, um,
00:21:18
Speaker
The undercurrent though of a problem with alcohol was still there. I was very good at avoiding it. It was able to be repressed, but the problem with when you repress things is that you don't actually solve them.
Military Service and Alcohol Culture
00:21:32
Speaker
And so I was able to outrun alcohol essentially in that point in time.
00:21:40
Speaker
the culture of drinking in the army. I'm not going to, I'm not going to hang my hat on that. Yes, it's there in the military. It's whatever, but like, no, I'm not going to say that that was a contributor. Again, that's like pointing for others. When I was in college, I definitely didn't know how to drink. Um,
00:22:02
Speaker
It was always just drink to get fucked up kind of deal. It was like just partying and, and, and all of that. And, and the problem with it was like, it was this pseudo elation. It was kind of fake. And so when then, when I got out, there was a little bit of the celebrate, I guess, celebratory stuff.
00:22:19
Speaker
and then very very quickly there was also oh like what am I doing in life kind of deal what am I what did I do what am I going to do there was a bunch of stuff that I still you know work through and you know had to work through and stuff and um yeah drinking kind of was an escape from from that in a way okay so it but you're saying it didn't really do a numbing job of that it was like
00:22:50
Speaker
escape like you didn't think about that stuff when you drink or because then when there's like conflict and that gets into a whole other thing of like like if we get into an argument we've had a discussion about this like I Feel a lot of things if we're talking about interception and and you've said like you don't so you're saying like drinking and
00:23:14
Speaker
At least you feel more anger. Yeah. At least there's anger. At least there's something. Which you can see that causing problems in a relationship or life. Yeah. And then thinking like, I just need to have a little bit more, you know, need to feel something and even physically like needing to feel whatever that high kind of is.
00:23:42
Speaker
So but when, you know, you say like removing it from the equation of as it relates to suicide, I mean, what what's that? I mean, that's a different feeling. Yeah. What would that because you feel like you could. Get to a place of being that. Well, look, I mean, yeah, you you you sacrifice
00:24:11
Speaker
you sacrifice a certain amount of just proper decision making, you know, and why do people drink and drive?
00:24:24
Speaker
You know, and it's the same sort of thing. And so you're obviously like in a spot where you do things and you're like, what the fuck was I doing? What was I thinking? I was like, you weren't right. Um, you also in my, for me, you, the, the alcohol also.
00:24:44
Speaker
kind of puts a cloak on who you really are and makes you, it doesn't make you, you obviously make yourself, but it facilitates this other entity of who you are. Like an alter ego. Like an alter ego. Yeah, for sure. And so yeah, for some of that, you know, then the whispers in the head become louder and then it becomes shouting and then
00:25:09
Speaker
What do you do? I don't want to hear that shit anymore. And so that's like where it's a very slippery slope to go down to go down with. And so I had that experience. Did you have one experience that you
00:25:27
Speaker
I don't mean came close to that edge, but. Yeah. Yeah. That was. Yeah. I forget where you were away. Kids were with Eric and it was just me. And yeah, it was not a good night. So for other people, I mean, it can seem, I can imagine, I can't imagine, but the thought of like, okay, never drinking again. Like what's the, what is the biggest challenge? What is that for you? I mean, I know you've said like,
00:25:58
Speaker
Yeah. Like what's the challenge? What's the biggest thing to overcome or the obstacle with that? Hmm. I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't see one right now because it's such a pure, authentic reason that I've connected to within myself.
00:26:26
Speaker
But don't you feel like that's, so last year before he made that decision, he would coffee with someone I actually went to high school with. Yeah, I want to definitely talk about that. Andrew Michenard, who started something called the Alcoholic Next Door. He had a really tumultuous relationship with alcohol. Yeah, for sure. Since I can remember him in high school.
00:26:48
Speaker
And one of the things he said to you was like pretty impactful. Yeah. So what was that? So we got coffee. Um, yeah, late January or whatever January, it doesn't matter when. And, uh, we were talking and,
00:27:10
Speaker
something came up and he said that, you know, somebody asked him and he's been sober for maybe a decade now. I'm not sure. Long time. And he said that they asked him like, do you miss it? Like one of his buddies or whatever, like, man, do you miss it? And it was the, and he smiled in retelling me, you know, he smiled and said, why would I miss something that exponentially made my life better?
00:27:36
Speaker
Well, the exponentially made my life worse. Why would I miss something? Why would I miss something that when I removed it, exponentially made my life better? And I was like, huh. It was the first time and I've been, I've known and I know people that have, you know, that are in a, a, that aren't in a, a, that are battling with surprises and not the other.
00:27:57
Speaker
And I'll be honest with you, man, like sometimes it's like a badge of honor that I don't quite like, I don't, that's why I never said I was going to be sober. Cause I just didn't want to have that weird sort of labeling status thing. Like I just, it was just like, you know, I just didn't want to really touch that. Um, and so.
00:28:21
Speaker
It was the first time that I had in person experienced somebody put it that way and the look on his face and the energy that he admitted when he said that was, I mean pure is the word that comes to mind. It was so pure and it was so authentic and it was so damn powerful.
00:28:43
Speaker
And I was thinking to myself, wow, what a strong thing to say versus, yeah, it sucks. I was in Cancun and everybody's partying. Because frankly, a lot of the pity party stuff and a lot of the woe is me.
00:29:01
Speaker
I don't want to play that game. I don't want to play that game. I don't want to be that person. It's like you are making this decision. If it's that bad, then go back to it. But like either commit to it, like step own something. And Andrew owned it with such strength and positivity and grace and like it was it was a really beautiful thing. And that really, really touched me and got me thinking. And really, actually, that's what started the thought of
00:29:31
Speaker
Why am I still drinking? I think I should look into this a bit more. Yeah, I think that's a good point I mean framing it kind of back to the agency and conversation and choice like You know why what's the intent behind it? It's not just about a 30-day challenge or one year. Can I do it and this thing about depriving yourself or
00:29:56
Speaker
Like it's, it's the, to your point, the more positive thing, like the absence of it is so powerful that
00:30:06
Speaker
You know, and I know we've had this conversation about like some of the hang ups where people get hung up with alcohol, I think. And for myself as like a person that doesn't, I don't think I have a unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So for me, it's, it is interesting to think about like, you know, for us, like, okay, if we want to go out on a Friday night. Yeah.
00:30:29
Speaker
There's not a lot of, like there's a lot that is wrapped up in alcohol and food. Of course. But when we look at like, if we want to go to have a night out, go to Naderar, does it really matter what the substance is in the glass? Sure.
00:30:49
Speaker
And that's like a really weird, like, and I think people have had that experience of when people kind of, whether it's on a diet or drinking or other people really care that much about what is in your glass to the point that people fake having a drink. Like.
00:31:06
Speaker
And that's a, that's a whole other thing, the societal thing. And I would say, if you're someone struggling with alcohol and there's people like we've had some people in our life, we've been kind of honest with like, okay, you are not drinking anymore. Like, and it just needs to be, sometimes you might need to be just clear with the person, but I wouldn't say our experience has been.
00:31:31
Speaker
Any different because we've had club soda and bitters. No, and that was, and so that was one of the, that was one of the things that I kind of put myself through to examine it is.
00:31:46
Speaker
What do I, what am I getting out of alcohol in this situation? Like what is alcohol providing? Right. So if it's us out. So if it's us out or yeah. Right. So us out. Why do I want to drink alcohol? It's like, well, that's what you do. You go out plus wine. It's nice. Okay.
00:32:07
Speaker
how can you go out and have a nice time that doesn't have the liquid substance of alcohol? Is the nice time contingent upon the liquid substance? Is that the linchpin? Well, I sure as fuck hope not. Because otherwise, like, what does that say about my our relationship? So it's like, OK, so you want to go out, you want to have a nice time. Can you do that without it? Sure. All right. Well, like what? So then what really is it about the alcohol? Well, I
00:32:38
Speaker
want to feel included. I want to have connection. Okay. How can you have connection without it? Well, you can look someone in the eye. You can really listen to what they're saying. But isn't that back to the behavior piece? Because when you look at the food stuff, it's the same thing. People who are maybe struggle with food, I wouldn't say addiction, but
00:33:02
Speaker
Like, do you have to have that burger with a bun and fries? Could you have, could you eat some other, does it matter the what? You know what I mean? And then it's like, okay, so, but then being honest, you have to look at, like, you can't hide when you go down that path of asking the questions. You're either going to realize, and like, that's what I mean for me. Like, if I'm honest, like, yeah, I really, what it would come down to is like, I like how margarita tastes.
00:33:32
Speaker
What's funny about that is like, I could have a non-alcoholic margarita, but I wouldn't because it has too much sugar in it, but I'll have it with the alcohol. But it's like, then, then whatever. But like the point is for me, there isn't this. Yeah. I like the way I like the way, I like the way a good bourbon tastes like I like give me some plans. I love plans. Right.
00:33:56
Speaker
But it's also like, do you have a problem with it? And you have to be honest with yourself with it. And I get it, the whole tasting. Good beers, good drinks, like yeah, for sure, I get it. Is it a problem though? And chocolate chip cookies taste good, but we don't eat them every day. There's a lot of stuff that tastes good. And I'm not trying to be dismissive, but you're not gonna hear
00:34:20
Speaker
And this is me talking to me, but I think a lot of folks can probably benefit from hearing it. You're not going to hear what you want to fucking hear. So so you open your goddamn ears and like, well, I like plans. It's nice. Here's a perfect example. We're out there and in a nice bar, cold as shit outside around the holidays. Yes. A couple fingers of blends makes for an amazing atmosphere. Yeah. And we're there and there's a fire going and the lights are right. Like, yeah, I get it. All the atmospherics.
00:34:50
Speaker
But like, you have a problem, you're the problem. So if you're, what are you going to do about it? And that's kind of the thing. Well, you have to make that choice of which is the priority then. Yeah, and it tastes great. Trust me. And there were some cocktails that I would make that were really damn good.
00:35:11
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I think making up the decision making on the. So looking at that as a thing of like what is it is is the experience and how I want to feel. Mm hmm.
00:35:22
Speaker
solely reliant upon physical alcohol. Can I extract the essence of the experience that I want to have with the absence of alcohol? And I would suggest you can, you 100% can. If you cannot, you have to look at yourself more and the experience and like, well, then what is it sort of that's getting in your way? Cause it's not. And I think that's an exercise for everybody.
00:35:49
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, when people not to get sidetracked from this, but just we talk about presence and like
00:35:56
Speaker
That's an interesting experiment for people. Yeah. Like if you really are going out with friends and having a time being present with them, it really should not matter if it's pizza or burgers or wine or club soda. No, there was a couple of times like when we were out at the do for the, for breakthrough, this was a few months in or when I was not really, when I was out there for the lectures, cause there was also like a work kind of thing, but, um,
00:36:22
Speaker
Yeah, it was warm. They're like having a cold beer. Oh, man. I'm having a cold beer. It was it was a local brewery. Right. So all of the triggers, local brewery, celebratory communal time, amazing place. Everybody's feeling good. There's just this buzz about it that is really awesome. And the energy is super high. And like, man, a beer would be great right now. It smells good. It looks good. They're drinking them out of Mason jars. Like, yes.
00:36:53
Speaker
Yeah. It's like, well, what is it? I don't, I want to feel included. Well, I still can. Like, Oh, I don't want to miss out on it. We'll miss out on what the experience is not in the glass. Well, and what for someone with a problem, like what are you willing to, so you're willing to have that taste. Have like, that's what you're choosing over this. And it's like caffeine coffee. Some people who really like caffeine is a problem or like really causing them
00:37:23
Speaker
issues like does the coffee or drinking out should be caffeinated? Could it be decaf? And could you have the same experience? So I guess the other part is like, so you have had people that were really impacted by that. Yeah. So what was your, what made, what was your decision in like putting that out there publicly? Um, to raise awareness.
Challenging Cultural Norms
00:37:48
Speaker
That's like the essence of everything I think I do, to raise awareness and to lead. And being a leader sometimes requires doing things that are not easy.
00:38:05
Speaker
Why do you feel like you've said, you know, being judged and stuff? I mean, why would you feel like, how would that be judged? Well, it was brought to my attention that in certain circles, it's not really something you publicly talk about. So being an alcoholic or being an alcoholic, having an issue with alcohol. Yeah, it's not. Yeah. Um, and there's some sensitivities with that. And that wasn't the, I didn't know that.
00:38:32
Speaker
You know, like I didn't. Sure. And your experience with someone like Andrew, he's made a public platform, alcoholic next door. And and his thing is a neat, like, by nature of the name, alcoholic next door. And he was the kid in high school that everybody just like, oh, he just gets drunk. And that was just how kind of how it was. But the point is like, you really had a problem with it and you could have died. Right, right.
00:38:58
Speaker
So there are people that do put it out there publicly. So while some people might be sensitive to it or there might be certain cultural pockets that don't believe in that.
00:39:09
Speaker
Yeah. I understand. Yeah. So I think also people that like, as your point of Andrew wasn't a public person and had had that conversation with you or whatever, like you can also help being open and honest can impact people as it has. Yeah. And I don't think you get to turn on, like, I don't believe in being selective with what you, with, with, with your honesty.
00:39:34
Speaker
I think that for whatever reason, and I know this, that there's people that look to me for some sort of inspiration, some sort of guidance, some sort of leadership, whatever that capacity looks like. And so I owe it to people to be honest. And part of it, I also know that some of my resume, if you will,
00:39:56
Speaker
is probably creating a story in others' minds that's not accurate to what the real story is. And so I just kind of want to take a no bullshit approach to it. And so, yeah, I feel like taboo stuff is really kind of deadly. Keeping quiet about things is not working.
00:40:26
Speaker
Right, because it's the repression. It's repression and then you keep it to yourself, you feel, you feel like, you feel a shame, you feel the guilt, you feel all of that stuff because you can't then express and be who you are. And that is a recipe for, at a minimum, self-oppression and very easily escalating to complete self-destruction.
00:40:56
Speaker
And I kind of want to blow the lid off of that. And, you know, that's, that's, that's sort of what drove it. And the response has been, you know, the response has been interesting. What do you think it is about some of the people that have reached out, like seeing that, seeing you post that, like, what do you think it was? I mean, they clearly had
00:41:22
Speaker
insight into the fact that they had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. What do you think it was about your posts that had them say like, I need to take action to stop this? Good question. I don't know. I mean, you should probably ask them, but I think part of it was. I think. If I were to say.
00:41:46
Speaker
I think part of it was that I didn't play the victim because I refused to be a fucking victim. And I think taking accountability, having self accountability, uh, is
00:42:06
Speaker
inspiring in a way, and just real. It was a real post. I hope people read it as being a real thing. I just think it was a powerful thing. I also think that people
00:42:26
Speaker
would have had no idea. Like there's a, you know what I mean? Like I think that. Yeah. I mean, even within our family and friends, I mean, you were honest, like, yeah, I stopped, you know, not drinking, but I don't think anybody was like thinking. Yeah. Well, it's not like I got dinged for a DUI and it's like, Oh, okay. Yeah. That makes sense. And you're basically like, when you would, if we went out or had dinner with people, it's not like that's my point too, is even in our relationship, since you've been home, there weren't
00:42:55
Speaker
It wasn't like you were blacking out and like, stop, you can stop drinking. And like, so that's, um, my point is that that stigma of like, well, what, uh, what it looks like to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. It's not just looking for people that just get black out drunk all the time. And I wasn't getting drunk off like I wasn't, but there was like, how many times do you need to have one of the darkest experiences of your life? Yeah.
00:43:23
Speaker
Like what's the minimum requirement to be like, oh, I need to pay attention to that. So what do you feel like this year, not drinking? Oh, it's been incredible. Like talk about that. Yeah. So there's part of it that is, I think a, it's a, it's an opportunity to kind of for me, my personally to like validate and continue to practice some of the mindset stuff.
00:43:51
Speaker
in my definition of mindset. So having that connection to who you are and honoring it through your actions is like an ability and a daily sort of a practice thing. I think that when it comes to
00:44:16
Speaker
When it comes to physical health, I think that it, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's been huge. It's been important. You know, I think that the other thing that it's done is, and there's certainly been hard things over the past year, um, of course, but what it's also done is.
00:44:37
Speaker
I don't know if I was still drinking or if I was abusing alcohol, what those hard situations then would have kind of went down into and back slid into. Versus being able to learn from them and grow from them. Yeah. So I wish I could say that like, oh yeah, I'm like running faster and I'm stronger and I'm fucking jumping higher and like,
00:44:58
Speaker
That's not it. The absence of it is, I feel it, it's not this monumental thing, but the presence of it would be much graver in that for me.
00:45:13
Speaker
continuing to have a inward trajectory to working on myself and getting to know myself and really being curious and also compassionate and saying like I'm going to step into this life that I want to live and I don't know exactly how to but removing taking ownership of some of the things in my life that
00:45:41
Speaker
either hinder or facilitate and help. So I don't know if that answers that. But one of the things that I actually said to a couple of people, I don't know how many people I actually said this to, maybe like two or three. And it was like people who understand dark humor. When I told them I was not drinking, they're like, oh, why? And I said, well, I'm an avoiding alcoholic.
00:46:11
Speaker
And that's kind of how I started. Like when I first started, that's how I viewed it. Like I don't know if I would say like, I'm an alcoholic. I guess maybe. Yeah. I guess I am or was or whatever, but like, yeah. And again, like I don't really care what the label is. Like that's the whole thing. But that's the thing. What is an alcoholic? What do you have to be? Yeah. Like, what's the minute? Like, do I have to apply to be one? Yeah.
00:46:33
Speaker
You know, like if or if it's like, is it a capital A or is it a lowercase A? I mean, is a capital A like alcoholic, like a trademark? Like, oh, no, you're not an alcoholic until you've gone these steps. Sure. It's the point is the unhealthy relationship. And that could be with people have unhealthy relationships with a lot of things. Sure. This one was alcohol. And what do you do with not everything in life if you have an unhealthy relationship with food?
00:46:56
Speaker
You can't never eat again. So it looks like a very different recovery process. Alcohol though, you don't need alcohol to live.
00:47:07
Speaker
Yeah. And I think one of the more, again, one of the exercises that I did right when I decided to do this and I wrote it down and like pen and paper, I made a column, two columns on the one column that with the title of that was all the reasons to stop drinking. I listed out quite a bit. And on the other column was all of the reasons to continue drinking. And I couldn't find a single reason to continue drinking.
00:47:38
Speaker
like that I could really connect to and believe. Not the bullshit things of like, oh, it's celebration. And it's not like, no, like, no. I like beer. Yeah, I like the way it tastes. Not a good, like, yep, right on. But so that was a, that was like a very powerful one too. So it's like, okay, so, and what you do with writing and expressing those things is you also see it from a different perspective and you get it out of your head into a way that is,
00:48:04
Speaker
that you can, that you can also walk away from and then come back to. And when I looked at that list and I was like, wow, I have, there are quite a few very serious reasons to stop drinking and I can't come up with like a single legitimate reason to keep drinking, then why would I continue? You know? Like, I think that's the thing like, so for you,
00:48:33
Speaker
Could you have a cocktail this weekend and then stop drinking again? Sure. But like, what's the point of reintroducing it? Like, there is no point at this point. I could also have a cigarette, but it doesn't mean I'm going to do that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not a smoker. Right. So why the fuck would I have a cigarette? Like, I don't want to. I don't. Right. So I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. And so.
00:48:58
Speaker
So that was, but it's been an interesting thing to have that out there. And do I think everybody should stop drinking? No. But if you have a problem with it, like you know, you know.
00:49:14
Speaker
And there's a lot of folks out there who I get it are really good at rationalizing and justifying being like well It's not a problem. I'm not I'm not in a gutter. I didn't get a DUI. I didn't have this tragedy That's fine. That's all the external as well though and the problem is on the internal and I think the Very dangerous part is that when there is no external proof of the problem? Mm-hmm. You never
00:49:43
Speaker
Not you never, but it's easier to not accept that there is a problem. So then the rationalization and the justification comes into the picture. And the story just kind of, you lose control of the story at that point. So, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad that you shared that. Yeah.
00:50:07
Speaker
Yeah, thanks.
Advocacy for Veterans
00:50:10
Speaker
I think it's worth also mentioning that one of the reasons why I do what I do and what I would like to do is to continue to be of service and lead within the veteran community. Yeah. And there are... There's a man with the package. Just gonna pause on this one for a sec.
00:50:37
Speaker
Charlie and Riley. Hey. Awful dogs.
00:50:47
Speaker
This poor man Yeah, anyway, so one of the reasons one of the reasons is for to be a voice for their community and there's a lot of the veteran community the veteran community Yeah, and there's I I know that there's a lot of men and women in This community that feel like they don't have a voice. Mm-hmm
00:51:09
Speaker
or haven't found theirs yet and they're on a process and on a journey to find their voice. And sometimes hearing others gives strength. And so that's like a big part of it. There's a few people that I'm thinking about that
00:51:33
Speaker
Yeah, like it kind of keeps me up at night kind of deal. And to be a leader and to, if there is a platform, if there is a voice, if there is something, I don't know what it is. And I think that there are folks have said that like, you know, your writing is powerful and it's like you're speaking to me and I can, it resonates. And so to not
00:52:02
Speaker
to not continue to speak or to put myself out there because it is personally uncomfortable and it is. And there's a lot of like nasty stuff that I personally deal with, with this kind of a thing, especially looking at some of the, my background and what I like. It's no surprise that I wanted to become a green brain. Our names are the quiet professionals and like, Nope, I want to stay in the shadows and do the work. But to, to give in to the personal discomfort
00:52:34
Speaker
when it's serving others, then I'm being of disservice to others. And so that is something that still continues to drive me. And my reach is not that big, and I'm good with that, but really the minimum is one. And if one person hears it, and whether I know it or not, then I've served, I've done my job.
00:53:04
Speaker
Yeah, that's it. All right.
00:53:09
Speaker
All righty. Maybe something a little bit lighter next week. Speaking of that, if you have, um, if there's like topics or subjects or questions, you know, sometimes we put up the question thing, but if you want to just send a message or connect or whatever, uh, Instagram is probably the best way at Bill Anthese, at Cariana Anthese, Cariana with an E, uh, or at between the ears.
00:53:36
Speaker
Yeah. And on the veteran topic, I'm doing a women's retreat for veterans, which is cool. That's really cool. And I guess, yeah, it's an interesting experience for me. I feel like the women's stuff is something I connect to.
00:53:53
Speaker
I'm not a veteran. I don't pretend to know what that is like, but I'm happy to be someone that can support a knowing. You're not a veteran and you know it. That's like the biggest, one of the biggest things is what I would say is like.
00:54:13
Speaker
you know your role. And I don't mean that in like obviously like a fucked up way, but you know, there's a humility with that. And that's something that unfortunately a lot of veterans where there's a lot of like were used for, I was on a podcast with like a big time guy that I think is coming out this week or next week or whatever. And the notion of like PTS and PTSD came up and you know, it's, it's used often for other motives and that,
00:54:44
Speaker
That is like an issue. So yeah. And I feel like it's. It's a.
00:54:50
Speaker
having been in the role I've been in with you as a spouse of a veteran, having an interesting perspective on that and just trying to serve from that place with a group of women and which is I'm sure unique women veterans. So that's not till the fall, but if there are, that's through a female veteran that we know well, so that'll be good.
00:55:16
Speaker
Just, just because you said it, you know, I didn't, I'll continue to say this would be the last thing, but like the spouses, you know, and in my experience, cause at the time special forces was all all male. So it was always, um, that's well, way harder job than we had.
00:55:32
Speaker
Different job. Yeah, of course different. But like the the. There's an emotional part of it that's just very different, I think. Every good warrior culture knows that the strength of their warriors are the females. And historically, that's because, you know, males have been the ones who go to battle. So not being whatever. But like that is where that is what the strength was. Like that is the strength.
00:55:57
Speaker
Yeah. And so that support, you know, and and there are there husbands out there that are for some of these women probably understanding the point of their husbands if they are not veterans.
00:56:12
Speaker
So understanding both sides, but yeah. And to the, to, to wrap up this topic. Yes. That's your experience with alcohol has very much also been my experience with your experience with alcohol. So that's, it's not just a singular person. Yeah. Cool. All right. All right. Well, that's it. We'll talk to you next week.