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00:00:01
Who am I?
106 Plays6 years ago
It's a big question. I think most of my life I have been in search of this answer. I take a stab at answering this question here in an honest and unrehearsed way. I will admit it wasn't easy to do. I also know it won't be the last time I ask myself "Who am I?"
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Transcript
Introduction and Gratitude
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello. All right. Second time doing this. This is pretty cool. It's Wednesday, February 6th. And before I get into it, I just want to say thank you for everybody that has listened and reached out and given me some feedback or shared some thoughts, you know, things that I can improve, things to think about, things to consider as I move forward. You know, like I said, I'm a
00:00:30
Speaker
I'm a novice at this. I mean, that's an advanced status, I believe. This is literally the second time I've done this, so thank you for hopping in, for joining with me in on the ride. Man, I look forward to just keeping it up.
00:00:52
Speaker
having it be as conversational as possible and hearing what you guys think or experienced week to week or in between episodes or whatever. So yeah, I love it, man. Thank you. It was really cool to hear from some folks that I haven't heard from in a long time and I'm not good at keeping in touch with people.
00:01:18
Speaker
I'm not and self-admittedly because I don't try. I don't. And that's an area of improvement that I can definitely.
00:01:27
Speaker
work on. And I will work on because it's because it's important. I know that.
The Value of Reconnecting
00:01:34
Speaker
And so that was really cool to be talking to some folks that I'm, you know, years ago, and just fell out of touch or whatever. So you know, thank you. And I also want to acknowledge, I want to acknowledge the action of reaching out. And I think that's
00:01:53
Speaker
from my standpoint, inspiring. And that motivates me, that inspires me, that represents a good in people that I would like to acknowledge. It means a lot to me to acknowledge that and to be very appreciative of it.
00:02:14
Speaker
because that action is not, I don't know, I feel like it's not something just to be like, oh yeah, so and so gave me their feedback or said, hey, good thing or do this or do that. You know, and so that's really special. And so to reach out,
00:02:33
Speaker
Um, especially when you know, it's not maybe someone I talk to all the time or haven't talked to in years. Um, man, that's
Past Achievements and Identity
00:02:40
Speaker
like, that's really cool. And so, yeah, thank you. That's, that's, that's already something that I can, uh, personally benefit from and, and, and improve and try to emulate as well. So, uh, that just feel like that. Want to address that before we got into some things. One of the things that was.
00:03:02
Speaker
consistent was I guess I said something about you know I'm not here to talk about my past or my background or things that I've done and I just want to put a little bit of context on that I understand there's some interesting things that I might have done and I guess why I hesitate with just focusing on that is
00:03:35
Speaker
is because frankly, like, yep, I've done some things. Some way more people have done way more than me. And I'm not trying to get into like a comparison thing or anything like that. But those were all experiences that came about from choices.
00:03:58
Speaker
I would like to say intentional, deliberate, conscious choices. And I don't think that those experiences should be the focal point for this platform or for what I would like to talk about.
00:04:20
Speaker
That
Exploring Self-Identity
00:04:21
Speaker
said, I understand the utility in sharing some of them. So, you know, I guess all I'm asking is be patient with me as I try to, you know, kind of pick out what might be relevant and conversational, but also not just talk about it kind of in a vacuum or something that, you know, kind of can't really be related to.
00:04:50
Speaker
So work with me. I'm working with you on that. Work with me on it. And I think this episode...
00:05:00
Speaker
is a good way to maybe have it be a little bit more formal of an introduction, I guess. I know if you're listening to this, you probably have a general idea of maybe who I am, but there's some people and there's some people in the between the ears practice that I've literally never met before, which is just awesome. So you guys might not know a little bit of my story, and I put that in quotes.
00:05:27
Speaker
And there's some that I see more often than not or I talk to or I engage with that also might not quite know. So this episode is not meant to be a resume. That's not happening. And so it's not meant to be a resume because that's all in the past.
00:05:56
Speaker
It's all in the past and I just struggle with focusing on the past. So that leads me to the question of who am I? And I don't know if I'm actually gonna answer that. We'll see. I find myself asking
00:06:28
Speaker
myself this question a lot. And I think I'm always trying to answer it, but I don't know if I ever actually do. Um, you know, there's things that I believe in more strongly and feel like our representations of me or whatever, uh, values and, and, and all those kinds of things. But I really actually feel like my whole life has been a search for this answer and continuing today. Um,
00:06:58
Speaker
you know, and personally, maybe I'm at a place where I think I know enough about it. Like, I think I have a good answer for it. And honestly, that kind of freaks me out. Um,
00:07:16
Speaker
One of my things is definitely like, if you know for sure, definitive, 100%, no other way, that's like a signal to me that you need to check around. And so when answering the question, who am I? If I have it nailed down, guarantee, yup, this is it. Whoa, like, careful, that's,
00:07:45
Speaker
That's a recipe for for something that I don't know if I believe or is good or whatever. So. You know, who am I? I don't know. I'm not sure if I like I said, I'm not sure if I believe that I'll ever actually know. I do know that I change. I.
00:08:08
Speaker
I absolutely know I changed. I hope I changed for the better. I'm trying to improve and change for the better. It might not be that it's bad or I'm at the bottom of something, but just getting a little bit better. I hope that that's the case. I think to suggest that I know who I am, 100% definitive, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, suggest that I won't change.
00:08:39
Speaker
And if I don't change, I don't grow, I don't excel, I don't move forward, I don't move towards something, I don't improve in ways that previously I didn't know I could improve or experience new things. And I just become stale and stagnant. And I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna be, I don't wanna just deteriorate and
Perfectionism vs. Satisfaction
00:09:06
Speaker
just wither away and just coast.
00:09:10
Speaker
Like that's not, that's not who I am. Um, so that's a little bit of this question. Like, who am I? And as you can see, I'm not going to, I'm not going to define myself by stuff that I've done because what I've done is not who I am. And that's, um,
00:09:38
Speaker
That's something I think I bump up against frequently. And I think it's common, but what I've done is not who I am. And that applies to both the good and the bad. Um, you know, I see people hanging their hats on both past accomplishments as well as failures, perceived failures.
00:10:07
Speaker
and basically settle for that being them. And it's not, it's not, it's not at all. You know, when I was a kid, my parents had a family friend, yeah, and he was a stock trader. And I remember them telling me a quote that I guess he told them, and it was something along the lines of like, you're never, or you're only as good as your last trade.
00:10:36
Speaker
And I think that really stuck with me as a kid, uh, throughout my, throughout my sports career. And I did have a successful sports career specifically in soccer. Um, you know, I kind of carried that forward, that, that mindset forward of like, you know, you're only as good as your last game or your last practice, your last season or your last tryout or whatever. And I look at that now and see a couple flaws in it. Um,
00:11:08
Speaker
One, you're essentially driving by looking through the rear view mirror, not the windshield. And if you're, if you're only saying that you are only as good as something you previously have done, like I, it's just, it's just past tense to me.
00:11:36
Speaker
And I understand, I think I understand the point of it and it's, you know, to, to stay current, to not, um, get complacent and to understand that, you know, things change, but, or maybe that's at least how I spent it. But I, I think.
00:11:54
Speaker
I don't know if it's something that you can just apply to everything. Uh, and frankly in that industry and in that culture. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. I mean, it makes sense. Uh, I don't really want to be in a cut throat environment all the time. And in that way, like, yeah, working the floor or whatever. Sure. That, that might be necessary for survival, but I don't want to just survive.
00:12:25
Speaker
I want to thrive. I want to enjoy. I want to have fullness. And so saying you're only as good as your last, you know, whatever. I think it's just a little certainly it's retroactive and it's potentially a little reactive and I just think that you don't like that just puts all the quantification or qualification on on something that I don't
00:12:54
Speaker
that
Self-Improvement and Service
00:12:55
Speaker
I don't really agree with in many ways. That being said, I understand the point of it, I think. But anyway, that was something that kind of stuck with me. But as I grew up and as I continue to develop, I think it served me in good ways in specific areas. But yeah, man, what I've done is not who I am. And I know I've been judged on
00:13:23
Speaker
on some of the what. And that's natural. I mean, given limited information, what people do is usually what people focus on. So I, I think one of the things that I am is I'm never satisfied with good enough.
00:13:53
Speaker
And that's not always great. You know, that might brief well, or sound all good, and ra-ra, and yeah, like, I see I'm a high performer, a go-getter, I'm not complacent, or slack, or undisciplined, or lazy, or whatever, and like, okay, calm down, let's unpackage that a little bit. I know I am somebody who self-admits that I am never satisfied with good enough.
00:14:24
Speaker
And there are pitfalls with that. There's an ugly truth associated with this ethos. And there is value to accepting good enough. And I struggle with it. I think not accepting good enough
00:14:49
Speaker
never being satisfied is really, I think, the emphasis of that. That can lead to, and it does lead to paralysis by analysis, perfectionism syndrome, scarcity mindset,
00:15:09
Speaker
man personally generally just like sometimes a negative or pessimistic outlook on a positive thing you know the proverbial glass half empty but it's not half empty it's like you just took a little sip out of it and all of a sudden you're saying well there's not it's not full like what do you mean it's not full and so the more I look at that
00:15:30
Speaker
I know that that's part of who I am. I do. I know that that is definitely part of who I am, that I'm not quite ever satisfied with good enough. I know that. So many experiences to point to to say, yep, there it is. And when I dig into it a little bit more, I find, I think it's a way for me to hide.
00:16:00
Speaker
I really do. I think it's a way to hide. And I don't know if it's hiding out of fear. I'm still not sure what my position is on that or how I think about that, but it's a way to hide. It's a way I hide behind, I think, yeah, like perfectionism more so as a way to protect myself.
00:16:33
Speaker
What am I protecting myself from? That's the thing. I don't know. Is it fear? Is it exposure? Is it failure? I have failed at a lot of stuff. In my mind, I don't think failing is crucial for success.
00:16:52
Speaker
That's something that It's like generally accepted now. So I Know that failing just provides a roadmap for improvement. So what is it that I'm trying to protect myself from? And You know hiding behind this not hiding behind this perfectionism in things is
00:17:17
Speaker
I feel like is protective. It's a protective measure. Um, I think there's some insecurity in that. I think there's a desire to not want to be misjudged. I feel like when I was growing up, I was misjudged quite often. And I think that stuck with me.
00:17:49
Speaker
I think now there's some judgment also with some of the what I've done, not being who I am. So how does that relate to like, never being satisfied? I don't know if I I don't know if if if
00:18:11
Speaker
If I exactly understand where that started, like was it just being judged or was it, you know, I don't know. But what I do know is that that's part of who I am. And I think acknowledging that and being able to have a, being able to dance with that versus tame it, I think will serve me better. And.
00:18:36
Speaker
I don't want to have that go away either because I understand the value in it and the push. And I think people that do pursue higher level endeavors and put themselves out there like, yeah, part of that is part of that drive of that. Reaching that is like not settling for good enough. And there's a huge difference there.
00:18:59
Speaker
So, you know that but that's part of who I am. I don't want to just eliminate that part Because with that I would also wipe out some some positive experiences and some some positive things So it's not an elimination. It's not just I will tame
Understanding Identity Beyond Titles
00:19:15
Speaker
this and or make it obedient Like not man, I want to be able to dance with it and sometimes it should take this it should it should lead the dance And then there's other times where it's like, hey, you know, I've got this now so
00:19:30
Speaker
That's definitely part of who I am. I feel like, and it's related to that, but I feel like I am always in the pursuit of self-improvement, of progress, of just personal development and experiences that facilitate those for two reasons. One, obviously, so that I can get better.
00:20:00
Speaker
But I really do think more importantly, so that others in my life can get better in their way and improve for those who are around me and those who I share the space with.
00:20:16
Speaker
you know, and I want to serve other people. I'm no longer in the military in a direct service position or role. But like, I don't want, I'm not done. I'm not done serving. And I don't want to just be self serving. That's not what I mean. I do want to serve others and
00:20:45
Speaker
I want to, I think I need to use some gifts and talents that I do have. And just saying that and admitting that right there was not easy. And I'm like, dude, are you serious? But I do have to acknowledge it, just like I have to acknowledge when I started this and the act of reaching out. I feel like it's very similar. I do have to acknowledge, yes, I do have some gifts and talents.
00:21:17
Speaker
And I want to use those to serve others. And I want to be part of other people's journey. And that's really, that's the essence of Between the Ears.
00:21:31
Speaker
to be a guide and to facilitate an experience that others can use in pursuit of their own growth. And the way we do that is fun and challenging and we look into a lot of different things and
00:21:49
Speaker
It's amazing every single time, every single time. I mean, it's amazing what happens. And then there's the practice or whatever, but I'm getting off course here. But yeah, like that's who I am. That's a part of who I am. I'm in the pursuit of being better so that I can also serve others and share that with them.
00:22:16
Speaker
Yeah, like that pursuit yeah, I feel like I say that all the time and I'm sorry if you guys are sick of hearing it or reading it I guess more so But answering that question Who am I? That is the pursuit That question That question 100% is the pursuit
00:22:49
Speaker
And by
Inner Self and Self-Awareness
00:22:50
Speaker
that, I mean like that's a question that drives you hopefully to vector within and not on what you've done. Like what I do is the result of a lot of different things, one of which being who I am, but it's like, it's the end state, you know? It's like if you were to be cooking.
00:23:18
Speaker
You're cooking isn't only like meal served. There's a whole lot of stuff that goes into that. You're still cooking, even though, you know, the final meal isn't plated or whatever. Um, so who I am or who am I, that's just a, that's a question that starts a journey.
00:23:48
Speaker
And like I said, I don't, I don't know, man. I don't know if I'm ever going to, I don't know if I'm ever going to figure it out or ever really definitively answer it. And I, and I also don't know if I want to, I don't know if I want to, um, you know, I want to be running towards something. I think about that all the time. Like I want to be running towards something. Um,
00:24:16
Speaker
not from it. I want to run towards life not from it. And a lot of times I'm training or working out or whatever. That's like a thought. That's a constant topic that I'm pondering. Like, what am I running towards? Or what am I running from? And what's up with that?
00:24:40
Speaker
frankly for much of my life to include when I was in college as an athlete, like I wasn't actually training in the off season thinking like, I'm going to be a better soccer player. No, I always had this. I always knew that I was going to go into the military and always thought like, Hey, if the tip of the spear kind of guys are, are, are training this way, then, then I think I can probably benefit from it on the field. And I always had that little carrot out there of running towards something. Um,
00:25:11
Speaker
And then obviously when I was when I was in the military, it was the thought then kind of evolved to when I get to where I'm going, what will I do? How will I perform? It was like a lot of this journey was it was it was a mode of transportation. And maybe that's part of where I never really accepted good enough.
00:25:36
Speaker
Cause I could always get there faster. I could always perform better on point or wherever I was going. Um, you know, but like that pursuit of something, what are you vectoring towards? What am I vectoring towards? And right now with looking at who I am or trying to answer that, you know, I, I do look at.
00:26:03
Speaker
like what my trajectory is and not in a task accomplishment way, but a bigger picture, like a bigger picture way of service. And that's like a big part of who I am, like just trying to pursue that or figure it out.
00:26:30
Speaker
I think curiosity is a huge part of this and being curious with yourself and with that, allowing yourself to be patient while you're being curious, pondering things, contemplating things, looking for how they manifest in real life. Not just on the paper, not just on the resume.
00:27:01
Speaker
So that's, yeah, I don't know if that actually makes any sense, but I hope it does. It kind of makes sense to me about the who being the pursuit and the what being, the expression of it, or just a representation of it.
00:27:29
Speaker
You know, I said something about, um, I was talking to someone the other day, actually, and I said one, they're asking about what the between the years practices and without getting into it, it's an online personal development improvement
00:27:47
Speaker
program. We do a workout, we do a mindset thing. And we honestly share and connect with others. And I said, one of the things I feel strongly about is this notion of like the inner self and trying to develop that because I know a lot of people. Frankly, a lot of people that I work with in a coaching relationship or between the years relationship
00:28:12
Speaker
have a hard time asking themselves or answering or not even answering definitively, but like, where do I begin to the question? So, who are you? And inevitably, it's name what I do, where I'm from, like, all the other W's that are not who. And the inner self is
00:28:43
Speaker
is that person that exists absent of the job title, the accolades, the labels, the what you do, the how much you make, the where you grew up, the where you live. That's your inner self, the core of your being. Not what you're supposed to do or what you've done, none of that. It's who do you see
00:29:10
Speaker
When you remove all of that, all the labels, all the projections, who's that person? And it's not an easy, I don't think it's an easy thing to look at. I don't think it's gotta be crazy hard or dark or anything. But it requires
00:29:38
Speaker
intention, deliberateness, being purposeful, and it requires awareness, self-awareness. And so I think that for me, like it makes sense to first identify or to go through this and identify
00:30:08
Speaker
who I am. And of course, like, there's part of this that the flaw in here is me. And so this is who I think I am or who I want to be. And that's where it's also like, the margin of error maybe is higher than if it was something else. But anyway, yeah, identifying like who I am.
00:30:38
Speaker
someone who's not satisfied with good enough, someone who's striving to improve and grow and develop so that I can improve, but also be of service to others in their lives, in their pursuits, in their journeys, using developed gifts and talents.
00:31:04
Speaker
experiences and seeing these experiences for development and progress and improvement as a way to cultivate a bigger bag of tricks or a well rounded approach such that
00:31:21
Speaker
you have the potential to reach and connect with folks who are different than you. And it's not to say like, hey, I've done this, therefore I know, and this is what you should do. That's not it. But having the ability to relate without maybe definitively knowing exactly what that person's going through, because you can't.
00:31:50
Speaker
I was talking with Kay about, um, you know, the, the, being a mother and it's like, I'll never know that. Like I can, I, you know, I'll never know that I will never know. I'll never ever know what it's like to be in your position in this experience and this circumstance.
00:32:19
Speaker
you know, and that's okay. And it's like, all right,
Life Experiences and Identity Development
00:32:22
Speaker
well, I can understand. I can, I can try to understand as much as I can so that while I might not exactly know, I can keep up during this, during this experience or this connection, because otherwise it would be a really lonely place.
00:32:46
Speaker
Um, so anyway, I say that to, to, to say that like, yeah, these experiences and pursuing them in different ones, uh, are, are, are useful to broadening horizons, um, and.
00:33:03
Speaker
and trying to be able to connect. And so when looking at that of not being satisfied with being good enough or good enough, the pitfalls, the ups and the downs that come with it, and this pursuit of improvement, and the overall pursuit of it, then I think it makes sense to explain what I've done.
00:33:29
Speaker
I was fortunate to have supporting parents throughout my childhood who I honestly don't know how they do it or did it, but like I was a big time soccer player and played at some of the highest levels possible for, for a long time. And like they supported me in that, which led to.
00:33:56
Speaker
uh, opportunities to improve, to play at really high levels and carry it on and, and was fortunate to play in college and become an all American soccer player and in the athletic hall of fame at my school. And you know, I look at that and like, yeah, I was an all American, but we still didn't win the national championship.
00:34:21
Speaker
And I would trade my All-American ring in for a national championship ring any day of the week. And I think, and I know that there's some folks who, Hey, I'm an All-American. Like I got mine. We weren't going to win anyway, but like I'd rather have the team win. And when I look at that, that road and what I learned as a, as an athlete at Montclair state, um,
00:34:51
Speaker
that further enhanced and developed and groomed and progressed who I was. And so by the time I was a senior and we had a good team and, and, you know, the accolades and stuff came, came as a result of really being in tune, I think with, with who I was. You know, after college went on to become a Green Beret and listed into the army and a little bit later in life,
00:35:20
Speaker
and went right off the street into the whole selection program and 18 x-ray program and and yeah like that that's an accomplishment I'm extremely proud of I am not a day goes by that I don't I'm not reminded of it and while it's something I'm very proud of there's some struggles there too
00:35:53
Speaker
You know, there's some struggles there too. I don't want to only look at becoming a Green Beret and having that be the pinnacle of my existence. It's something I did. It's a choice I made to pursue.
00:36:24
Speaker
You know, honestly, one of the best thing that came out of that choice to pursue becoming a Green Beret was that I met my wife. And I met her at a time that the thought of having any sort of, honestly, friendship at that point,
00:36:47
Speaker
was gone because I knew what the road ahead was going to be, you know, but man, did it blindside me. Um, and it, and it was, when I look at, when I think about that, that becoming, um, uh, uh, Green Beret and going through the special forces pipeline and all of that, that was not the end. That was not the end state. That was a.
00:37:14
Speaker
necessary component of, of my life. Honestly, like a springboard to something greater. And that's my relationship with, with, with my wife and meeting her and, and the, the result that would happen as, uh, all the stuff that would happen in life as a result of that. Not easy. Definitely not easy.
00:37:40
Speaker
You know, but when I look at that, like, well, what I am, like who I am, well, I'm a Greenbright, like, no, no, no, no. That was just like, that was just, that was one scene in a movie that, that set the context for a, for a way bigger plot line. But I think when I look at that of, of the who I am, of some of that stuff I've talked about, it makes total sense.
00:38:11
Speaker
It makes sense. It kind of explains why I would, why I would do that. And I think, or I know, um, constantly trying to answer it. I'm constantly trying to answer who I am and I'm good with that. It's exciting.
Embracing Uncertainty in Self-Exploration
00:38:36
Speaker
I'm curious.
00:38:39
Speaker
I'm personally working on the awareness that's required to ponder that question and apply it in everyday life. Being able to, being able to look within
00:39:09
Speaker
and, and, and come up with some, some guiding principles or reflections of you that don't, that, that cannot be applied. Like if you were to put who you are on your LinkedIn profile, I would suggest that that's not who you are.
00:39:38
Speaker
But I understand that like, hey, for that context, for that situation, we don't want to really know who you are. We want to know what you can do. And that's fine. That's okay. The awareness of that. I would just, my thing is like, I think it's, it's common and it's natural to
00:40:06
Speaker
to look at those types of platforms, Facebook, social media, whatever, and associate your who with what? There's a lot of authors out there who write about it. They have a lot of them focus on the why, know your why, Simon Sinek, big why guy. I think, man, I'm gonna keep saying it, but I think Brene Brown, from a who standpoint,
00:40:35
Speaker
is just phenomenal. And I do know it can be overwhelming. That is a big question. It is a huge question. Personally, I have found alleviating some pressure
00:41:03
Speaker
in feeling like you have to have that answered. And that answer is the only answer. And it is going to stick with you for the rest of your life. Knowing that like, that's not it. Potentially you don't know. But that's the exact reason you're asking it. And removing that pressure of like, well, I've only got one shot at this. You know,
00:41:35
Speaker
You've got a shot at it every day. That's been helpful. It's been a helpful way to navigate not only this huge question, but some of the emotions and
00:42:00
Speaker
And things that come up when you might look within and examine it and be like, man, I fancy myself, somebody who's patient. And I just freaked out at.
00:42:15
Speaker
my kid or my wife or my friend or family member or whomever for no reason, for really no good reason. Like the freak out usually is not really for a good reason, but I shouldn't say that actually. But anyway, you know, when you look at that and you're like, I am this, sometimes when you look within, you don't like what you see, but that's all right. What's the alternative?
00:42:47
Speaker
What's the alternative, not looking within? I think that looks like what you do. That looks like what you do. That's external. I could point to it. I could put that on a resume. And not looking within, not, man, not vectoring inside. You'll never answer the question. You'll never even consider it.
00:43:19
Speaker
And so then it becomes the, you don't know who you are. And I don't know, personally, like that's just no way to live. That's not how I want to live. I should say, I want to know who I am in order to improve. You must first know, but you have to understand that definitive no.
00:43:49
Speaker
might never be attainable. So then what do you do? Going through your day
Encouragement for Self-Discovery
00:43:55
Speaker
to day. That's the tricky part. Well, I think if I keep going, it would just kind of be talking in circles, and I hope I haven't done that today.
00:44:19
Speaker
If you saw the title of this and you were expecting a rap sheet of stuff I've done, I hope you understand a little bit more personally, honestly, really from me to you, why that's not, um, why that's not something I'm going to focus on and
00:44:47
Speaker
I will do my best to share some of these experiences and some of the what's. But man, it's way more than that. And so I hope this was a...
00:45:04
Speaker
coherent 45 minutes. I know I said I went over the 30 minutes. Actually, that was a piece of feedback I got. I was like, Hey, man, don't just limit yourself. And I hear you. But I think it's also a little bit of a personal thing to just try to keep things succinct. And anyway, but I hope that it was a way for you to
00:45:31
Speaker
hop in right on this journey within with myself. And then also maybe maybe take a peek at it yourself as well and see what that looks like from your standpoint. So have a great week and I will talk to you next time.