Transcript
Speaker: Well, I guess on the recording, we'll talk a little bit about how we don't know what the podcast episode should be about yet. But Matthew, I think you should start by saying what you wanted to say. Well, I think we should. Well, yeah. OK, what I wanted to say was that this is episode 41. Yeah.
Speaker: life Right. Or 42. No, actually, I think it's 42 because of the premium that hasn't come out yet. OK, I remember saying 41 or and then being corrected until it was 41 on a previous episode. No, wrong. You thought it was 38. I said it was 40. We could talk about the history of black athletes in America because it's Jackie Robinson's number.
Speaker: Oh. No research. No research. Just let it rip. Just go with your gut. We should sort of ad lib about, yeah, I don't have a lot of knowledge about that kind of thing, but I feel like, I reckon I could say something funny. We can figure it out. Maybe slightly inaccurate. absolutely. I can fill in the gaps. Yeah, zero nuance, just three white boys shooting from the hip.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. ah Well, and we should, before we start riffing, we should say that we agree with the history of black athletes. Yeah, absolutely. We condone it. Yeah, they had to earn the right to play and then they earned it.
Speaker: And that right can be taken away at any point. And we agree with that. where we we agree We do agree. we agree. We don't support taking away the right, but we agree that the right can be taken away. Right. Absolutely. That's just the letter of the law.
Speaker: Yeah. That's how things work. Yes. Nothing lasts. Or or can hopefully it does. yeah but I reckon that's a good way to get started with the ah sort of allocation of human rights is in competitive sports. It seems like the first place where you're like, this is allowed and it should be allowed until the end of time.
Speaker: That is, you should be able to score points in this game. Well before like killers hurt people with baseball bats, baseball players were swinging those bats and kind of paving the way. and where do you think Where do you think those killers learned it from?
Speaker: watching baseball probably watching gay bruise exactly murder murder weapons come from agricultural tools which themselves come from sports gear so we use sickles to to reap our harvests but only because before that we were playing sickle ball you understand understand yeah this is just that's fantastic this is just how things work and the same goes with animals Animals, they use their legs they use their legs to race each other, and then only later do they find out they can use their legs to kill and maim. Tusks, like elephants use their tusks as like mating games to, they don't even use that to impress females. They just use it for just natural boy roughhousing. Then they realize they can attract females.
Speaker: They're like, fuck it. I don't even care about bonding with my fellow man anymore. This is all about chicks right now. Yep. and None of this is going to be in the real episode. we are just getting to know each other. We're doing this. We're just bonding with our fellow man right now.
Speaker: This is an exercise. This is how men figure out what's been going on for the last few months in our personal lives. is where We're actually speaking in coded language instead of asking, how have you been lately? How's your 2026 been? And this this honestly might be a good moment to introduce our fellow man right now ah here who's with us on the podcast.
Speaker: uh north american comedian performer a writer from from cincinnati right from cincinnati yes this is actually we're starting before everything that we said is in the podcast okay fantastic so you can talk like that right good this right here is to find our footing we'll probably cut this um and also i should say that derek derek another midwestern comedian is not he is not here today So we've subbed in. it says he's in. Or are you Derek? I'm Derek for today. Because it says Derek's in here. You're Derek for today.
Speaker: Yeah, and that's not like a technical problem. We actually arranged it to say Derek for Pierce just to be kind of funny. That is kind of fun. I got in here. I said Derek looks beautiful today. We're all embodying him in different ways today. Yeah, we're the three Derricks. Yeah, you're Midwestern. Pierce, you have glasses. Derek wears glasses. Derek wears glasses.
Speaker: And I feel like he should wear glasses sometimes, right? He does, I feel like. Does he not? Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, if you asked me to imagine Pierce before I got in here, I don't think I'd imagine him wearing glasses, even though I feel like I've seen you wearing glasses every time I've seen you.
Speaker: I wear them as a character, but I've got I've got what I call these scam glasses from Morby Parker. If you walk into Morby Parker and say it's hard for me to see in the morning, sometimes they give you a hundred. They charge you one hundred and sixty dollars for a pair of readers. So you actually have perfect. You can see normally you're just you're just wearing those. I think I have still 20-20, but i I incur screen fatigue and I wake up with slightly blurry vision that is usually remedied by a cup of coffee.
Speaker: But I thought maybe I was suffering from astigmatism. I mean, I i get it. i I wore glasses for about six years when I was a kid simply because I lied during the eye exam. I tried to do that, but I i lied too hard. Like they were showing me like they were showing me like the letters and it would be like a I would be like i I didn't just lie about the letter. I'd say I've never seen that shape in my life. i don't know what the hell that is. i so showing me right now i can't see so hard that i don't know what I'm looking at.
Speaker: It's such a great opportunity to try out like a bombastic lie. It's crazy. it does take sophistication to be dumb. Yeah, the doctor pulled my mom out and he was like, he's he's lying, um which probably means something else that's worse. He probably has some other worse ailment. He needs some corrective instrument. Yeah. As an optometrist, it would be great if we had, if you lie hard enough and ah if you say like, well, I can't say what color that is, or I can't tell you what letter that is, but I can say definitively that it's a light yellow. They should just immediately give you a lobotomy. Yeah, the first yeah it's like it's like in like their bylaws, they can 5150 somebody at an eye exam if they do that specific thing.
Speaker: If a precocious child is checking out the boundaries of acceptable social discourse by doing flagrant lies, the optometrist is allowed to basically give you electric shock therapy. Makes sense.
Speaker: I mean, I think that the eyes, am I wrong that the eyes are technically part of the brain? Yes. that's in the that's a that's I feel like that's a line from Synecdoche, New York. Or are they attached to the brain? Are they...
Speaker: I feel like maybe this is totally wrong, but I feel like I heard somewhere from some wrong source that the eyes are technically part of... Or yeah, maybe the red. What is the difference?
Speaker: It's true. It's true that the eyes are technically a part of the brain. It's true. is there a cord Is there a cord that connects the eyes to the brain directly? Yeah, the optic nerves. why they're the optic nerves?
Speaker: So it literally just is exposed brain matter. Whoa. So optometrists are qualified to lobotomize based on that. damn there's two things i want to say about the eyes oh well speaking of lobotomies i think that's how they get in there right they go in through the eye ice pick lobotomy yeah through yeah like around the eyeball or right so the eyes are the window the eyes of the window to the the brain essentially i mean they're literally windows into the brain which is a you know genie the wild child that poor that poor girl who never saw sunlight that's your brain woman um we don't know who's that
Speaker: She was some... Guys, look into Genie the Wild. Did she live in Brooklyn? Yeah, she was ah she lived in Ridgewood. was wild. And her her old man would never let her outside to like walk on Myrtle Wyckoff or ah visit Vision World for a pair of specs.
Speaker: But anyway, she was not she was not allowed to leave the home. And then when they started when they rescued her from this like horrible ah lot in life where she was like living in a dog pen, she was also quite afraid of dogs when they found her. They were doing all kinds of experiments on her.
Speaker: Anyway, one thing about Jeannie the Wildchild that's really interesting is that when strangers saw her on the street, they would instantly go up to her and give her gifts. And then the the caretaker would say, did you know that this is a wild child? And they would say, no, I just felt compelled to give this little girl a gift.
Speaker: that's what That's how cool her vibe was. So they didn't know she was they didn't know who she was, but they're like, I gotta give that. gotta give that weirdo with a limp a real gift in this moment. i gotta And like people would pull over. People would like almost hit people on the sidewalk because they were so desperate to give this child a gift.
Speaker: Anyhow, your brain is sort of like trapped in your skull, never sees the light of day, except through a pair of windows. So, you know, you think it's so tragic that the the brain is trapped in there, but it really does have two vivid windows.
Speaker: I guess that is why we're always staring out the window. these windows because we're so trapped in our brains. We have no choice but to ah stare out at anything that lets us get out of our heads a little bit.
Speaker: Yeah, that little man theory that like we imagine a small person that's trapped in our mind operating us with controls. He really is like he's looking at the windshield desperate to climb out. Is that a thing everybody does? Is that what the theory is that we all do that? Because I don't think I've ever done that.
Speaker: You imagine you're a big guy on the outside of your body. I imagine I'm a big guy that can turn into a fire truck whenever I want, and I can fly to space, and I'm friends with Batman. i would never imagine I'm inside of my body. I'm way over there looking at me with us through a sniper scope. on star scream I'm I'm Starscream, dude. I got a ghillie suit on. Yeah, the theory is that you're Soundwave in Transformers Dark of the Moon, and you're a satellite getting recon at yourself from a bird's eye view, ready to drop a tactical nuke.
Speaker: I look at myself the way scientists look at lab rats. I'm definitely not on the inside. no dude. um Yes. So brains. And then here's another thing I want to say about brains and the eyes is that everything, the brain the eyes are technically a part of the brain, but everything's technically a part of everything when it, when it comes to the body. God damn, dude. Oh shit. I never thought of it that way.
Speaker: I mean, I'm not trying to be a smart ass. i'm just i'm I'm just saying, you know? and Everything is part of everything. On the body, at least. but On the body. Yeah. I'm not going to say, like, a zebra is technically a part of a thumbtack. I'm i'm not going to go that far. Broadly speaking, not everything is connected. I'll say that.
Speaker: with that. Not everything connected. This is like Christopher Hitchens versus his Christian brother right Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, what's his name? William Hitchens? William Hitchens. Journalist. Weird.
Speaker: Liam Hitchens. Christopher Hitchens. Did people really give presents to kids like that? like Because now I don't think anyone... touches kids on the street or gives gifts to them or Chaka. No, yeah. If somebody gave my kid a gift, I'd be like, what are you what are you doing?
Speaker: This kid should be inside in the dark. should be taking something away him. Yes. That story just speaks to how easily identifiable this person with no legal guardian, like that's that's how- How easily identifiable kids are. Right.
Speaker: That's a child. can tell who's a kid and who's not. Every adult inherently wants to give children gifts, but there's that tiny little superego that's like, no, their parent will get mad. Their parent will think I'm a pervert.
Speaker: But if you see an unattended child, you're supposed to give them a gift. You're supposed to. And all you got to do is say, this is a secret between me and you. And if you tell your parent, something bad will happen to your parent. I mean, that's you that just gets over the whole roadblock. Yeah, I think that's true. Everyone is more comfortable talking with kids when they're alone because they won't be thought of as a pedophile.
Speaker: ah yeah Yeah. If a parent's there, the parent, you know, you're not a pedophile, but the parent might get the wrong idea if you talk to their kid. But if the kid's alone, you're good. Pedophiles are growing up to kids on the street being like, you son of a bitch. How the hell are you? Right in front of their parents. There's trouble right there. yeah remember when ah my this when my pedophile I remember when my pedophile was trying to get me um this guy I knew from theater camp.
Speaker: He sent me an email one day, and he was like, do you want to see Alien vs. Predator Requiem with me? My girlfriend thinks it's not a good date movie. And I was like 12 years old. And I was like, you know what?
Speaker: This guy is being strange, but... Email, he did the right thing with an email. I think he knew that this is the this is early enough in the in the history of the internet, and also my parents aren't going to be checking my email. The only way anyone finds out about this is if I spill his beans, which I did.
Speaker: I said, check out this email I got. Turn on him. Yeah, just to my parents, I said, I just think it's kind of pathetic. I think it's low-key weird that he asked me out. Damn, that is that is quite astute of you at a young age to be like, I'm not getting molested today, sorry. Guaranteed that would have worked on me.
Speaker: Just because I would have felt adult about the whole thing. Oh, cool. See movie. I mean, sounds awesome. It it was a Tyson carrot to go see AVPR without my folks. But the truth is, I was it a rated R movie because that would have been a great.
Speaker: So there's no way you're seeing that unless you go with your pedophile. But he didn't know that my dad and I already had tickets to go see that in theaters together. He i didn't you had sick ass dad. He didn't know I had a sick dad who fucked with the Predator like that.
Speaker: Sorry, my dad's already a pedophile. i don't need you. My dad already takes me to date movies.
Speaker: Well, we had thought about a few ideas for what to talk about on the podcast. One of which is that we kayfabe cosplay that it's the height of the COVID pandemic, which could be fun.
Speaker: And the other is that we, ah well, now I don't even remember what the other idea is. Wait, can you explain that? what is What is kayfabe cosplay? What does that mean? Essentially, i wanted to ask, I mean, how your quarantine has been going and, you know, how you've been investing the time. It's still going.
Speaker: I mean, I'm curious what your, like, bubble. Isn't it crazy? like It's still going. it's Hey. It's still happening. It's still going. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Gotcha. Sure.
Speaker: Yeah, no. um do you guys want Do you guys want to do that? No, no. let's not Let's not pretend that the COVID pandemic is still wreaking havoc over our country in medical. I'll Google it.
Speaker: Is COVID still going? And that way it's not pretend. Look at this. the Look at this, guys. Look. Whoa. oh Oh my gosh.
Speaker: Yeah. ah No, it's not, apparently. Damn. It's apparently not. We cured thought it was. i actually thought it was. Wait, what did you look at? Did you look at an AI overview? Yeah, you can never trust those things. I looked at a World Health Organization. It says it says COVID's gone? you can super never trust those things. Well, it says then the global health emergency over. Well, I knew that. that doesn't mean that COVID is gone. Oh, so what's happening now is we've been these up until this present moment, we've all been masking and operating as if COVID is real. We're now just finding out that it's not. And how would we respond to that? that There's no emergency. It's not happening.
Speaker: We spent years doing this when we didn't have to. Son of a bitch. It never was an emergency. What was... they really vaxxed us with microchips and then had the audacity to say, and by the way, it never was real. And these microchips we put in you, they don't even do anything. that was just fun. Those microchips aren't even turned on. They're little chocolate chips. They're little chocolate chips. Yeah. We put chocolate inside you.
Speaker: You thought you were going to be tortured? It's actually something nice. No, but for real, we all know a lot of people who passed away. Yeah. yeah and this It was a dark time, man. Yeah. It was turbo dark, yeah.
Speaker: it was It was fucking hyper dark. I want to coin a phrase. Yeah. And it was even even if you don't think it was an inside job or a hoax, there was some elements of conspiracy happening.
Speaker: I mean, the elites, as I like to call them, were telling us to do something. I mean, brother, the rich got richer. More news at nine. You know what I mean? Exactly. And the good people didn't didn't get much out of it. Didn't get much out of it.
Speaker: The good people ended up with longer hours at the hospital and they ended up getting teased for having a mask on. Yeah. And then the and the good people, they all bought Nintendo Switches, which guess where that money went?
Speaker: Right back into the pocket of the rich people. Yes. We all played morio Super Mario Galaxy, even though we never truly understood the function of the game. We all played Super Mario Galaxy. Yeah, we did. What are you fucking talking about, Pierce?
Speaker: That game. oh wait. Yeah, the sequel came out, huh? I thought that was announced, but never had materialized. i played Listen, I played something. temper one i did something for a few hours.
Speaker: Yes. What'd you do I played Super Mario Galaxy or whatever lie I was sold. Oh, you played the remaster, I reckon. Yup. Yup. Yup.
Speaker: um We all played HQ Trivia. man Was that was that in pandemic or is that pre-pandemic? That was pre-pandemic. That 2017 2018 I thought people just played Animal Crossing that didn't know what people that or that's what people talked about playing they all lot they weren't really doing that I looked up Scott Aukerman actually the other day and he's now You know, one he right now he's doing um he's trying to do HQ trivia, but it's Wordle Oh, you don't mean Scott Aukerman. You mean Scott. Not Scott Aukerman. Yeah, Scott. Scott.
Speaker: What the fuck is it? I feel like his last name has a Z. Scott Tisdale. Scott Arizona. Scott Rogowski. Something like that. Scott Rogowski. Yeah, that's that sounds right. it Um... Wait, we should play a game of HQ trivia on this episode.
Speaker: That'd be fun. Is that doable? I don't know. I mean, because what was the function of HQ trivia? It was like you could win money. he would ask He'd ask a question and then everybody would try to answer the fastest. Yes. So you could be Scott and then me and Matthew could be the competitors.
Speaker: That's right. But you guys aren't allowed to talk to me. You're just allowed to talk to each other. I can't hear you. I'm just reading my script. Will you guys read the one, core Pierce, will you read the one question that I have prepared?
Speaker: I've actually prepared several questions. Okay, let's do it. Let's start the episode proper and let's announce the theme, which is not COVID. The theme is not COVID. It's actually pee and poo.
Speaker: Okay. Okay. My specialties. Yes. Your specialties. Intimately familiar. Yes. So this is on. ah Can you imagine someone claiming that it's not one of their specialties?
Speaker: What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm not very good at that. Actually, a lot of people suck at peeing pooing. Yeah, true. It is true. So this is on the subreddit confession. This is the title.
Speaker: I'll read this. The title of this post is I've struggled with coprophagia for a long while now. I'm in recovery anyways. Female 20.
Speaker: From about the ages of 8 to 20, I've struggled with autocoprophagia, or is it phagia? I don't know. Phagia, I think. Autocoprophagia, or the consumption of my own feces.
Speaker: And they didn't say this in their post, but I want to add that coprophagia is specifically deriving sexual satisfaction from the ax, not just from simply eating it, I think. Could be wrong. I believe so.
Speaker: um Yeah, let's actually check that out. No, it's simply the consumption. Okay. Coprophilia mean maybe means the coprophagophilia. Yeah, I think I just, i don't think I coined that. I think that's real. Coprophagophilia.
Speaker: Yeah, there's allocoprophagy, which is eating other people's shit. And there's autocoprophagy, eating your own. but none ah But it doesn't mean pleasure. It just means you do it.
Speaker: You don't have to like it. Yeah, I don't get hard. I wish I did. um I wish I loved this because I do it. I'm now working on solo recovery, but admittedly, breaking the habit has been hard, and I don't really have anyone to talk about this far for rather obvious reasons. I should probably preface with, I am autistic and grew up in a dysfunctional household where I was frequently neglected and left on my own. Never mind, let's not read all this dark stuff. look I just thought this was happy-go-lucky gal who found thing she liked.
Speaker: let's try to read funny posts and abandon them instantly because they are too dark dark as soon as Matthew realized that this wasn't a completely neurotypical person who is eating their own poop for non-sexual reasons I thought they were regular this ain't right let's not riff on this I thought they were I could swear to god they're irregular No.
Speaker: It gets darker. It gets way darker than what we read, so that's why we stopped. We weren't actually turned off by autism or whatever. no no, yeah, just... i mean, we can... We read it I guess we could skip...
Speaker: that we could pretend yeah that here i'll try another one i'll try another one let's have a bit let's just pretend it's one of our friends like a buddy of ours that we all know derek let's pretend derek is eating his own food let's pretend derek is eating his own shit and let's spend the rest of the 40 minute episode the rest of the 40 minutes of this episode talking about how to intervene on derek for this but I'm sure he's going to love that.
Speaker: But I do think that, you know, he could be cured if he's introduced to like a sort of cleaner, more stable toilet environment. Oh, yeah. Or public shame.
Speaker: Public shame, I think, would work. great here's Here's a new one. Here's a new one. OK, this maybe this is but maybe this is more neurotypical. Will, can you can you try this one? Sure. Follow up. Told my therapist.
Speaker: Today, I finally told my therapist about my fetish. Okay, so now that's now it's a fetish. It was nerve-wracking at first and took me a few tries to get through the entire sentence in which I admitted that I am turned on by people having diarrhea.
Speaker: Once I was able to, he was very accepting. and We had a great conversation about it in which I talked about so many things that I've never said out loud or even online. I'm feeling very relieved and grateful right now for my opportunity to open up to someone like this after so many years of unspoken shame.
Speaker: If you're in a similar position in which you are feeling an intense level of shame or self-hatred, I would definitely recommend considering opening up to a therapist as an option. I know it's not for everyone, but it was definitely a very positive experience for me.
Speaker: One that depended that deepened my already longstanding trust in him. Also, thanks to everyone who offered kind words in the other thread and previously on this forum when I first came here to confess my fetish. I'm glad we all have this.
Speaker: I'm glad we all have this fetish. This seems less like an endorsement of ah therapy and more just an assertion that now that I've told someone that I like diarrhea, I'm ready to tell everyone.
Speaker: Because this this person should didn't necessarily need to say what their fetish was in the post. They could have kept that to themselves, but it's almost like the door has swung open and the bowels are loosening, ah so to speak. I think Now the diarrhea...
Speaker: I think it's beautiful that they went to therapy to deal with the shame and not to get rid of the fetish. Right. I wonder, I do wonder like how long he went to therapy talking about other things.
Speaker: And then it was like, here's what, here's what, here's what we're actually doing here. Yeah. You wait until there's five minutes left on the clock. You just go, anyway,
Speaker: um real quick before I go. Yeah, therapist. I mean, I think you do kind of have to checkmate your therapist when you finally do the breakthrough a moment.
Speaker: You have to make sure there's not enough time left for them to like... Yeah, you got to do a drop. But isn't it horrible when you do that mic drop when you finally confess your therapist that you like eating other people's diarrhea and they don't even clock it as the main thing you want to talk about? They don't even clock it as interesting. They're just like, oh, cool. Anyway, let's get back to your relationship problems or your work issues that you mainly talk about. Wait, so does this guy eat poop or does he just like it when people have diarrhea? He says he likes it when they have it. I guess so.
Speaker: Honestly, that's not a kink to me. It's bad. But it's, I would say, on, like, the spectrum of stuff, I guess it could be worse. You know what I mean? Having diarrhea is bad, but liking diarrhea is good, i would say.
Speaker: Having it, I would say it's less bad than wanting to eat it. Yeah, definitely. If someone next to me goes, o Shoot, i I think I'm going to have run home. um I will probably in my mind think this person has diarrhea.
Speaker: Whenever in my mind I think, oh, that person just revealed something to me, I guess I get a little turned on. It's not always about, but diarrhea is probably just the easiest way to have that feeling. Oh, that person just revealed something to me. They didn't say it, but they didn't have to. Somebody at your job comes in. He's like, i'm I'm sorry. I just got like a weird call from the hospital. um i got I got to And he runs and you're like, my man has to shit. Yes. That guy's got to poop bad. I'm getting kind of tired, guys. I might head to bed. Nope. My friend has horrible diarrhea and maybe a little bit of nausea to any any emerging secret.
Speaker: i I think does fall under the umbrella of diarrhea. Yeah, I think my friend has something. I mean, broadly speaking. broad Very broadly. What is admitting anything other than like, because diarrhea like as a function is like, you you want to keep it in, you can't, and then it just comes out. It is it is like, ah it's an orgasm of the anus, I think. I think it is just like a... I don't know if that's what I'm saying. Yeah, you want to keep it in. You want to keep it in.
Speaker: so bad yeah i don't like it when people apologize for having verbal diarrhea i don't like it when they say that have people said that to you guys like ah sorry about the verbal diarrhea it's more like something i say to someone else no one ever i say you're experiencing verbal diarrhea you should go home you gotta head home and do that alone and an echoey room You know, the noise of your mouth should actually be ricocheting off of the silver walls of a prison toilet right now instead of my ear canal.
Speaker: Anyone with diarrhea, there should be ah a prison version of a bathroom. you should You should temporarily be confined to a prison bathroom if you have a criminal kind of shit happening to you.
Speaker: Like diarrhea and even constipation to a lesser extent. You should go to ah a special toilet for someone who has sort of abnormal bowel movements. I think that'd be a good remedy for somebody having constipation if you like throw them in like a prison cell and you're like, you're not getting out of here until you shit.
Speaker: I think that would definitely make me, you know, yeah work through whatever I have to work through. I also do think the toilets should be thinner. Like if you're having explosive diarrhea, it doesn't make sense that there's this wide bowl for you to splatter.
Speaker: ah when you could easily shit into like a thin tube, a cup, ah so there's no splatter. It simply drops down and you're not like painting everything. I think you're right. there should be a ah There should be special toilets for every kind of bodily excretion. And for diarrhea, you should be able to go off a cliff.
Speaker: but Yeah, there should be a cup and then surrounding it is like your birth certificate, your social security card, like all of the most valuable things in the world to you.
Speaker: And so if you if you if you're not taking sales art yeah if you're not taking it seriously and aiming the way you should, then there will be consequences. And that's just ah that's just to train people to not take so many risks with their dietary choices. like Don't get diarrhea again. Otherwise, you might shit on your documents. The deed to your house might be covered in diarrhea.
Speaker: Yeah, that's like ah it's sort of like a digestive jigsaw. Whoa. You wake up, you wake up in a i mean, the first judge the first saw it kind of is a toilet-based jigsaw. There's a lot of toilet stuff happening in the first saw. But he should, in his opening sort of tape, he shouldn't say, you should just say, you don't eat you don't eat, you eat a lot of greasy food.
Speaker: you don't You don't take your proton pump inhibitors. Yeah. Now I'm going to make you have a normal bowel movement if it kills you. ah Did you guys see Saw lately? Have you guys seen the first Saw? I've never seen the first Saw. I was too scared. I was like deathly afraid of the clown when I was a kid.
Speaker: I've only seen the first Saw, I think. Do they get better? No, they get worse. But the last one, which I think is called Saw X. They get more and more beloved as they get as they go on, right?
Speaker: Wasn't Chris Rock in one? Wasn't he like a detective in one? He was in a spinoff called Spiral. yeah He gets tortured? He gets tortured, yeah, on stage. There's a movie about him getting really badly hurt. No, I don't think he does. Well, I haven't seen Spiral. Maybe he does end up getting tortured.
Speaker: How many movies does Chris Rock even get tortured in? They should make a Saw spinoff about people getting helped and... ah what's What's the opposite of torture? Healed.
Speaker: Yeah, healed. and Pleasured. Pleasured, I guess. Yeah, pleasured. Unambiguously pleasured. Yeah. but Going to heaven. Yeah, it should be about people just rising. they don't It's not about heaven. It's just about going there and how good they feel as they rise. Whoa.
Speaker: but Almost there. Yeah, you're in like ah you're in like a group, like you go up in groups, and so you're like, this like you're like this is so great to the other people, and they're speaking Cantonese, but yeah in the air, it gets translated into like the yes the language you. Oh, it gets translated into horns, into right trumpets, and then back to English.
Speaker: Yeah. Yes. Do you think in heaven, everyone is just speaking trumpet? That's how glorious it is, is that you get to live in a world without signifiers, and people just sing with trumpets to you. that would be kind of cool.
Speaker: and they're trying to talk. They're trying to communicate. It all comes out to ask. It's a nightmare. It's just like ah King Midas, or but the verbal version of King Midas. Everything you say is a gold bar.
Speaker: You're trying to ask for help. Do you think a bird or a butterfly ever flies into a window in heaven? And it's and I don't mean like smushes. I just mean like, oh, there's a bird. There's a bird in here. Or is that too much of a disaster? that I think they have to have security measures set up, I imagine. Right. Obviously, obviously, there needs to be a heaven version of the beast, that car that the president runs in. Imagine that there are a lot of vultures kind of flying into the windows in heaven, right? Because you're dead people. Mostly deceased. So it the place is probably filled.
Speaker: filled to the brim with vultures. I honestly always had that thought about hospitals because you know how birds do often fly into windows. They can't see that it's a window and they like they pass away.
Speaker: And these like skyscraper hospitals that people build, you imagine the vultures would be flying into the windows constantly trying to get to the sick patient and then just sliding down, sliding down the long skyscraper. So the perimeter of every major hospital on the ground, the perimeter is justed circlele just circle of dead vultures that have janitors have to shovel them away. You're walking down the street and a giant dead bird of prey just lands on you. Well, yeah, that's how most people end up in the hospital. Damn. Because they get hit in the head by a damn volt. It's an ecosystem. chain. Yeah.
Speaker: It's a whole food chain which ER nurses get paid. it's a whole food chain by which yeah er nurses get paid Yeah, it's all a scam. The vulture insurance. Yeah, they definitely could tint the windows or do something. But yeah, to make it look like the opposite of a desert or whatever. Everybody's alive in there. Yeah. right That's why they always paint like murals, murals of children dancing in rainbows in hospitals and children's hospitals, because that environment is so inhospitable to a vulture. ah
Speaker: Yeah, if they actually could smell the sick kids in the ward. Do you think that God allows for happy little accidents in heaven? Like, what the heck? I didn't expect this today. What a what a what a nice surprise. Or are surprises banned?
Speaker: and I feel like surprises are such a hell thing. People have have crushes in heaven. Or is is the idea of like pure ecstasy that you're beyond sexual want or need? I think a crush, honestly, even if you are single, even if you're like a teenager, is basically an extramarital affair kind of precursor.
Speaker: Damn. I was going to say the opposite. I was going to say that heaven is one long crush. I was going to say heaven is the feeling of a crush for infinity. No marriage, no know nothing but but one long crush for a billion years. if crush doesn't like you back?
Speaker: That's hell, imagine. Yeah, that's hell. You go straight to hell, your crush doesn't like you back. Sorry. It's woman crush, your crush likes you back, you're both married to God, so all you do is you live for that little moment where you're taking a lift ride home and your knees touch. o And it's that for a billion years.
Speaker: Jim and Pam, but no Roy and no babies. No Dwight, certainly. Dwight's there. Oh. Dwight's there, but he's getting tortured. Do you think there's a live feed of hell in heaven where you get to see everyone getting tortured?
Speaker: I firmly believe that Rainn Wilson is in heaven right now. He hasn't even passed away, but he's already there. He's an ambassador. Rainn Wilson is an angel.
Speaker: That's nice that we got to get to heaven. very I think that's easy to get to heaven from diarrhea. All right. We got another one. I guess, Pierce, you want to take a turn? No, you read this. well It's your turn. Okay, I'll read this.
Speaker: ah This is on... um a subreddit called rant. As a man, I hate urinals so much. I try not to use public restrooms as much as possible, but sometimes it's unavoidable.
Speaker: And even my work bathroom has urinals. I don't like pissing right beside another dude, staring at the wall and acting like we don't even see each other or hear each other pissing. It's so awkward.
Speaker: I normally use a stall, but usually in boys' rep bathrooms, there's a... tough Boys bathrooms is great. Usually in boys bathrooms, there's a ton of urinals and one, maybe two stalls that are usually full of other boys pooping.
Speaker: I get that they install cheap. I get that they install them because they're cheaper, but it's just so awkward. I don't like pissing right next to other boys in the open. Plus, a creep could go in there and stare at people's privates anytime they want.
Speaker: I wish they weren't as common as they are. They're just gross to me. I'm forced to use them at work because my works bathroom has only one stall and 10 urinals in the boys bathroom, and they're always stained with pee.
Speaker: Most people don't seem to care. They just get right beside me and start pissing away. Meanwhile, I feel extremely awkward and sick to my stomach almost every time. I hate them. Whoa.
Speaker: I mean, I went there. The way in which it's written is it's like the the parlance of like a child. yeah And the boys bathroom. So I think this might be a six year old masquerading as a grown up.
Speaker: Yeah, my work. Yeah. yeah I hate pee pee. And then we was pooping in the stalls all the time. but That is just how a kid like, yeah, I'll just say all my kid stuff, but I'll just set it in an office. Sounds ah reasonable. I hate you having to use the soap. The hand dryer is so loud. It hurts my ears.
Speaker: Why does my boss have to teach me what a variable is i don't need to learn pre-algebra when are when is when is my boss is making me learn this but when are you ever going to need it in real life when are we going to ever need this for money um i mean there was a time in my life where i was like a nervous peer and i i had what whenever there i was at a urinal and there were other people peeing would have trouble peeing because i'd be like i'm taking too long these guys are pissing incredibly well
Speaker: Yes. And so I felt bad. And then I'd like, then you get in your own head and then you're like taking longer. Yes. So there's definitely something there. Of course. And then the solution is to pay attention to the other guys peeing and realize that they're all struggling.
Speaker: But there's a stigma. You're not supposed, you're supposedly not supposed to watch other people pee in there. And also when you're already in your head, it's hard to even pay attention to the other guys peeing.
Speaker: I wonder if the warm water pee prank comes evolutionarily from putting your hand in someone else's stream while you're trying to pee. just to sort of get ri made it.
Speaker: Yeah. That the reason that it works nowadays is because it's hearkening back to a time when our caveman ancestors would all sit, line up to piss and we would put each other's hands in the streams just for fun something because it has properties because piss has separate special properties.
Speaker: This reminded me of a special urinal that I like at this gay bar in, um, in Brooklyn. ah called Singers, and it's a it's a trough-style metal steel bin urinal.
Speaker: Not that's on the floor, but it's attached to the wall. You can probably fit four men, and you know it's there's no dividers. It's one big communal trough. But they have a some very delicate and fluttering running water system going through it so that it kind of sounds like... And it's just it just hits the ears in such a way where you're just like, wow, there's always just water just flowing. key There's always pee happening here.
Speaker: It makes you feel like, I don't know, some people say like I'm like a some sypathtic some sympathetic peer, and if I hear peeing, it makes me want to pee harder or whatever. But it's always a breeze for me, and I feel like I'm pissing from different chakras whenever I use this toilet. I feel like I'm getting piss out that's been clogged in my...
Speaker: skeleton for like years that's how well i pi can like get your whole body into it kind of yes have you guys ever had that feeling i don't know like on psychedelics or whatever you're like i'm getting piss out that has been in here for a longer time yeah i've definitely had that feeling and i've had the feeling of not all my piss has come out yes every time i think I don't shake. Every time I know there's like... You don't shake? just let it pile out. Do you pat it? I don't wipe that either. it with a little square? hit my dick with the people's elbow really hard. German suplex.
Speaker: Yeah. My friend told me a story at one time. This has stuck with me. Where it's like, you know, like a lot of the times... You guys ever just like pull your phone out when you're going to pee and like look at your phone and that makes peeing easier? and helps him with time He was at like this, he was like a trough style situation at a bar in like London and he goes to pee and he pulls his phone out and there's this like old fat drunk British guy next to him and he says, put your phone away and have a proper piss.
Speaker: And since then, he's never looked at his phone at the urine. Wow. Have a proper piss. Yeah. Yeah. It's part of the, you know, it's part of the life experience, you know, being in a bathroom, staring ahead, you're drunk.
Speaker: That's what it's all about. You're supposed to roll your head back and go, uh, unfortunately. yeah And if you haven't done it in a long time, you forget how useful it is because there's so few opportunities. Putting your hand against the wall and kind of leaning into it. Right. Brother.
Speaker: Golly. me Maybe that's why I don't shiver anymore when I pit. Because I used to shiver almost every time. i Like the whole time? Not the whole time, but a shiver would run down my spine. Maybe every other time.
Speaker: Until the invention of the iPhone. Interesting. think I started becoming distracted. I used to bring my iPod Touch to school, high school, let's say freshman, sophomore year, and I had movies on that, bitch, and I would watch movies. I would watch...
Speaker: Movies that I had already seen that I just wanted to rewatch. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly on my iPod Touch. Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 on the iPod Touch. Arsenic and Old Lace. Yes.
Speaker: But I would... This was before, like, phones had taken over our lives. i also had, like, a Droid X, like a big sort of smartphone. This was before phones were so ubiquitous and really before you were allowed to use them in school like I think you are now.
Speaker: But I would like go up into the urinal, and I would watch the movies on my phone with my headphones in while i was pissing at the urinal in school. And one time, my teacher was pissing next to me, and he was like, what are you... This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. You're watching a movie on your iPod while you're pissing at the urinal.
Speaker: Pierce, what's going on with you, man? And I was like, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even find it weird. But if I had a time machine, I would say... This is normal. This will be normalized. Mind your business. Everyone will be doing this and in 10 years.
Speaker: i'm like yeah I'm watching The Dark Knight Rises in 35 second intervals. mind you fucking Between classes, I'm watching one minute of a movie that I've seen at a time. Leave me alone. not really appreciating the movie.
Speaker: You're not appreciating anything. Pissing or the movie. Dumbass. You were peeing with your teacher? Was this high school? High school, yeah. High school, okay. Because it's normal to pee with your teacher. Yeah, sometimes teachers would walk in Yeah, they just walk in to supervise.
Speaker: I don't think ever peed with a teacher. That's interesting. It wasn't with. I guess it would like... Yeah, we were in the leads. You were like, hey, let's go rip a piss, man. Yeah, me and you. Man, that would be cool, though. You're calling him out of class. Damn, I would love to have flexed on a teacher. I mean, I was a misogynistic kid to a certain extent. I used to... got in trouble. Oh, we know. Yeah, you can tell.
Speaker: We can tell. Got trouble for telling a lady teacher to shut up one time. And then there was one time where, I mean, I feel so guilty about this, but it is just, you know, it's something I did. But I remember had a teacher, don't want, Mrs. B, I'll say, in middle school. Yeah, I'll say that. Yeah, I'll say that.
Speaker: She identified as like a kooky teacher. She kind of leaned into this image that we had of her that she was a kooks, a kookster. um And then one student asked, there was a dance coming up. One student asked, hey, do you have any plans? He said, are you going to the dance? Are you chaperoning or whatever?
Speaker: And then she said, why do you ask? And I said, he wants to be your date. Seemed like a very normal joke to make. That's a great joke. mean, not even that not even that clever, just kind of like knee jerk.
Speaker: You know how class clowns just have to bite the bullet and say the first funny thing? Just do it. You gotta be fast. You gotta be quick. So she took me outside the hallway. She said, you just sexually harassed me. I was like, I i could have swore. could have swore that I was a sweet little nymph and that even a joke like that was harmless given my BMI.
Speaker: You're so much bigger than me. How could I aggress you? But damn in hindsight, I should should not have said that. and That's a bit of an overreaction. I'd say there there is sexual kooky and there's a sexual kooky.
Speaker: I think you need to. She was really asexual. I think you need to determine that when someone's kooky. Well, you should you should now email her and be like, are you a sexual person? Just so you can kind of disrespect. Because if you are, you can be honest with me. I'm big now. I got my degree right here. We're good.
Speaker: But the truth is, if I had said that, it wouldn't have you even occurred to me if the same thing had happened with reverse sexes, because it would have been so unfunny to imagine that that abject act of pedophilia.
Speaker: But if you were saying it to a guide teacher about your guy friend who asked... That's... Oh, good everyone's laughing. That's fantastic. Teachers from the classroom over are coming in to laugh at that.
Speaker: That'll get you a spot like an early 90s Simpsons writer's room, dude. You're fucking... I always thought it was kind of inappropriate how many of my teachers were pregnant. That seemed like sexual harassment to me towards the kid.
Speaker: It is. Like, why are you showing... Why are you revealing... you're you are You're broadcasting your sexual activity to these children. i never even thought about that. Children should be sheltered from pregnancy.
Speaker: ah sheltered from the pregnancy Or at the very least, you should only the only pregnant teachers are should be teachers... ah who teach kids who haven't had sex ed yet.
Speaker: If you've had sex ed and you've learned how pregnancy happens, then it's a little bit creepy to be pregnant in front of these kids. They could wear shapewear, you know what I mean? Like they could like put on like a girdle or whatever. They should endanger the fetus. They should put red herring lumps on other parts of their body.
Speaker: yeah I've grown several lumps. Don't pay attention to any in particular. And they're all kicking. One of them is real. I have a question for you guys.
Speaker: This is not really a question so much as a guide. And I'd like us to use it ah to open up a little bit of our own personal lives. Okay, so we're clicking on this.
Speaker: We're clicking on this link. And I want to know how you guys are doing today. So it's a P chart. It's a P color chart. um I'm not very good at reading cursive, but I'll give it a whirl.
Speaker: um transparent, that's clear pee, you're over hydrated, hold off on the water for a bit. That's when you're peeing like straight water, which I don't think I've ever, have you ever like peed like that so clear that you can see no pee in it?
Speaker: think I think have, yeah. Really? i've Absolutely, water yeah. mostly when i' Mostly when I'm drunk, but yes, absolutely. Don't you get less hydrated when you're drunk? You're a machine, dude.
Speaker: Wow. The way that I metabolize beer, or the GABA, whatever's going on, I am just depleting my entire body of precious water whenever get drunk. No wonder you had to watch The Man from UNCLE when you were peeing. Your body's using all of your energy to just transport it right back into water. Yes. That's incredible. Well, Matthew, when do when do you piss pure water? Very often. Usually when I'm just at home alone working. Not even a hint of of yellow.
Speaker: Like straight, clear water. It's rare that it's perfectly clear, but it does happen fairly often. I'm gonna ask your listeners to chime in on this because I feel like that's nuts. I will take I will take a picture of my next clear piss. Please do ah show it to the Patreon subscribers. If there's a demand, someone has to indicate a demand. I'm not sure how but if it's indicated, i will reveal your next piss is like on the doorstep of a church and you're like, see?
Speaker: life he doesn't do anything yeah there's stains you should geocache it you should just piss in a location then drop the coordinates in discord and say here's where you can find my clear piss yeah check it if you can find it all right so the next one is lemonade and so that's more what i associate with like pretty well hydrated piss where it's like this is the optimal hydration so It seems like I'm onto something.
Speaker: Keep doing what you're doing. Yeah, you're doing it re well. Light beer. You're still hydrated and doing great. So this and this just looks like, you know, like a Bud Light. Classic pee. This is your classic pee color. this is This is you wake up in the morning. It's foaming. Okay, then amber.
Speaker: um That's when it looks amber, I guess. No need to fret, but it's time to drink some water. You could be mildly dehydrated. We've all been here. Yes. We've all been here. it no And then burnt orange. And this looks like blood.
Speaker: this looks This looks pretty bad. So where are you guys at today, I guess? I would say i'm light I'm light beer to amber today. I want to say I've been peeing black, dark black.
Speaker: But <unk> row that's what I want to say for the purposes of the podcast. But it's I would say it's light beer. Yeah, I'd say I'm like lemonade light beer around there. Lemonade even? Lemonade, yeah. I've been drinking a lot of water today. hey Your skin looks good. Thank you. You look good. Yeah, you're glowing. Yeah.
Speaker: Fucking glowing, man. Yeah, it's hot in my room. I'm sweating a little bit, actually, but I appreciate it nonetheless. That's why you're glowing. I'm sweating today, too. i am I've had two kidney stones. I don't know how many times I've brought it up on the podcast.
Speaker: Probably countless, but I've pissed blood from the stones. And I called before I knew that 911 cost money. o i called 911 on myself. what do you mean it costs money?
Speaker: It's not free to call. what do you mean? It's not free to call an ambulance. I attempted to call an ambulance because I thought it was free. I called 911 because I was in a Facebook group for your kidney stone sufferers.
Speaker: And I wrote in the group, I haven't pissed in about a day. And they were like, you're probably experiencing kidney failure. It's a medical emergency. You need to go right now. And so i called a car to Rite Aid to get some more meds.
Speaker: And then on the way there, I read even more comments that were like, if you're not in the ER right now, you're fucked. So I was like, all right. So I called 911 from inside the car. Two fire trucks show up o to the parking lot of the CVS or Rite Aid.
Speaker: And these firemen are just like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, I haven't peed. it I haven't peed in a while. And they're like, all right, you know, this is going to cost you but was some money. I was like, I don't think so.
Speaker: And then the ambulance came, took me to the hospital. And then, ah yeah, I mean, it was a huge disaster, but it was really insane to just pay like 10 grand or whatever. It's like ah it was like a G. Yeah.
Speaker: Just a G. I'm actually surprised. have, I have sort of P situation that you guys could probably give input on seeing. Oh, yeah. So sometimes i would say every 12th time I drink,
Speaker: Alcohol. I have this phenomenon where like, I'll pee, I'll do a full pee. And then but it still feels like I have to pee.
Speaker: And then I'll pee more after that. And it gets worse and worse and worse. Like I'll pee and then it'll immediately feel like i have to pee again. I could sit down on the toilet and pee for like an hour. Yes. as Yeah, you're just flexing your what's your, what's it called? Your pelvic floor. Yeah. And just squirting pee. It's an infinite pee glitch. Yes. But it has to, you have to charge it for like 10 seconds by taking a few deep breaths. And what I, the only way to stop it is if I, if I like,
Speaker: Like grid it out and like don't pee for like two hours. Yes, and it's not yes. Yes. you Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Of course think it is a problem with the pelvic floor. No, it's absolute hell because all you can think about is I'm in the middle of a piss I have to pee so bad.
Speaker: Yeah, and I've like gone to doctors I like got like when it first started happening in college got s STD tests I got like, you know, and and every doctor is like we don't fucking we have no idea what this is or what you're talking It's a it's an alcohol thing and it's I think it's basically completely normal and I don't think that a lot of people who don't like love beer. I don't think they really get what you're talking about.
Speaker: I've had it without alcohol. I've had it i've had itve it. I've had it when I'm just extremely excited or my or my circulation is like extremely high or something. I've had it from busting a nut while having to pee. Yes.
Speaker: And then afterwards I go pee and I have. Yeah. I was just talking about in the last step, when when that happens to you, you have to squeeze the jizz out like it's toothpaste. That's the way to that's the way to get your bladder back in action. i don't know. I feel like that... well because this the thing that's happening to you in that situation is that your cum is going back through the urethra.
Speaker: and then it goes into your bladder and then so you're pissing out cum that that went back into your cock after coming but it doesn't come out with the same you can get a uti that way but it's just basically the the pressure that it takes the reason also that you need to charge up for two hours and grid it out i think but it's not fully blocked i do p i do have like a significant stream and then it ends but it's there's more in there It's not about blockage. It's just about it's about the force it takes to push out something other than piss from your bladder.
Speaker: It requires more force. Oh, and like your bladder freaks out and it's like, got get whatever this out. Yeah, you're tensing your pelvic floor and then you're running out of energy with your pelvic floor before everything's out. So you have to keep resetting it. But the thrust of all the liquid can help to clear everything out, which is why you have to charge it up.
Speaker: um Anyway, one thing about the kidney stone that I like to tell people is that it doesn't hurt coming out. It hurts moving through your body a lot. It hurts when it moves from your a kidney to your bladder through a tube that's called the ureter.
Speaker: But once it's in your cock and it's coming out, it feels like coming because your dick doesn't your dick isn't used to pushing something thick out unless you're coming. So as the stone is through your cock, you just feel like you're kind of jizzing. Obviously no orgasm, but the sensation is similar.
Speaker: Whoa. Interesting. So anytime there's something thick coming out of your urethra, it feels good just because of that resemblance? Just because of the Pavlovian association, I reckon. So sounding, which I've never been specifically attracted to, just does feel good.
Speaker: What is sounding, exactly? It's like you put a rod in your- your You put a rod into your penis and then you jerk off. Oh, I thought you would like flick it. and like the vibrations would feel good. You probably could flick it. It really upsets me, yeah. It makes me wince. Have you done it, Matthew? No, I've never done it. I'd try it. I'd give it a shot if someone somebody's really into it or something. Yeah, if someone was like, I've got this rod. Should we do something with it?
Speaker: I've got this rod. I've tried a million different things to make this rod useful. Nothing works. Any ideas? give it a whirl yeah if the rod's useless and if i'm open-minded i guess we'll do that and um yeah what's the freakiest tiniest thing you guys have ever put inside of your entire penis an ant like one or two ants you a few fire ants um one grain of uncooked purple rice i guess i would put a grain of rice in there
Speaker: I wonder if you like what would happen if you like because I know it's like you know with like you can like put drugs up your butt. Right. To make him hit harder. What would happen if you like if you like got it. Okay you get a sounding rod. Right.
Speaker: And then you sort of musket stuff. Muzzle load it. Yeah. You muzzle load like coke down your urethra. With quality coke. It was like right off the bridge from Columbia. You know what I mean? Unstepped on. hit Just pure shit. Yeah. That'd be. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. That'd be a good place put it, I guess. It could work. Yeah. Would work? If your dick is like sleepwalking, like texting a dealer because he's hooked, what would be the equivalent of gumming it? Because obviously putting it straight into the urethra is up the nose. Rubbing it in your maybe.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah. What's your dick your dick's gums? It has to be the banjo string on the bottom, right? What's the banjo string? like Take out your dick real quick and look at the bottom. unless you're Are you uncut?
Speaker: No, I'm cut. There's no banjo string. What are you doing? What is this? Take your dick out right now and look at the upside down part of it. the Look at the upside down part of the head of your penis and you'll see a little banjo string.
Speaker: When you say banjo string, you don't mean like a loose thing. I kind of mean a tight a tight string. It's not loose. It's in the dick. It's not out of it. What are you guys fucking talking about? that's how I'm serious. Take out your penis right now. You don't have to show it or anything, but look at the bottom of it. That little strip.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see which. Okay. was imagining like a flappy string. I was really scared for a second. No, the tight string. It can break. thought you were fucking with me. Okay. It can break? what do you Okay. Now I actually don't know what you're talking about again. um could you send me like a picture from the internet? Can you put it in chat right now? Everything can break.
Speaker: I think we established this in the beginning of the episode. Nothing lasts forever. That's a great point. We've been over that. This is free. I'm getting freaked out. I mean, this is a really vivid picture and it would be a shame if we all didn't have one of these because this would be the most frightening image of all time. But then you remember you have one.
Speaker: That's vivid. Damn. My frenulum does not look like that. I'll be honest. I don't know if I have that. You're shitting me. and there's It's not like a visible thing. No, going to look at my dick, too, actually, because I'm a little uncertain, too.
Speaker: There's definitely not like a thing where I'm like, this could break and like fuck up my dick. Cause it's like the thing on the bottom. Pull your foreskin all the way down. Okay. i'm circummbed I'm circumcised. yeah You don't have a foreskin. If you pull your foreskin all the way down, you'll see it right there. We don't have foreskins, Pierce. Are you circumcised, Pierce?
Speaker: Yeah. now that None of us have foreskins. We can't pull them down. No, you still have you still have it. i'm Pull the skin of the shaft down. Pierce, I'm not fucking with you. I do not think I have what you're talking about. I guess we gotta show each other our dicks.
Speaker: i don't I don't think I have it. This is crazy. the top of your head The top of the head of your penis looks like a helmet. The top of the head of your penis. I'm staring at you. The underside doesn't have that Darth Vader helmet quality on the other side. It has two little... It's clefted.
Speaker: So the thing in is cle that cleft, it is cleft yeah i absolutely cle when it connects to the foreskin is the frenulum. If you pull your frenulum up and down, you'll see a tiny stringy thing.
Speaker: i don't. I mean, maybe. if i'm being generous, then yes, I have that, I guess. Yeah, there you go. Just be generous. No one's going to have the one that I posted. This thing looks like if you like cut it, like the like it would like bleed out.
Speaker: Yeah. It's like the thing like weird, you know, like where your tongue is like that. and hasz aennial that's That's called a frenulum also. It's the same. Is it really? Yeah, they're both called frenulums. What the hell?
Speaker: I'm shocked. I'm shocked at how you kind you you you say it could go one way or the other. it's no it's very it's very reasonable. I just looked it up. No frenulum. An absent frenulum is a rare condition that is usually found and often associated with genetic conditions like Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. You don't have Ehlers-Danlos. Is that bad? We have Ehlers-Danlos.
Speaker: You guys don't have Ehlers-Danlos. It's not good at well. Ehlers-Danlos is like you have aching bones and you struggle to walk and you have, we yeah, you don't have Ehlers. We active tissues, hyperextensibility, stretchy skin, and easy bruising.
Speaker: And I have noticed that already. you oh Yeah, you always have these blue circles. Is this stretchy? is it Would you consider this to be stretchy? Piers, show me your skin. Piers, yours is okay. I don't think I have it.
Speaker: look at miss Matthew, show me your skin. That's fucking stretchy. Wait a minute, Matthew has Ehlers-Danlos? Matthew, do you literally have Ehlers-Danlos? Yeah, Matthew, you should be really fucking freaked out. I have Ehlers-Danlos and I have Marfan syndrome, I believe. Jesus Christ!
Speaker: Are you joking, Matthew? Have you ever gotten... Do you have aching bones? And are you hyperflexible? I have aching bones. Wait, stand stand up, touch your toes. Angle your cameras. We can see. You guys will see my dick.
Speaker: know still It's right now.
Speaker: Wait, Matthew, you do have stretchy skin and you're saying you have no frenulum? have no frenulum. That's crazy. that's You can't do it? Matthew is stretching his neck out and it looks you looks crazy. You look like the end of a Hellraiser. It's like a bat wing, yeah. but No, Matthew. You gotta go to the hospital. funny as fuck.
Speaker: but Oh dear. if you do have Ehlers-Danlos Matthew you have a physical competency that I haven't seen in many of the people who I've met who have Ehlers-Danlos.
Speaker: Do a lot of people have it? How many people have you met with it? Really? Yeah. Oh fuck. And not everyone is going to tell you. Not everyone knows. It's kind of rare to even know that you have it. I think Matthew just found Yeah. Well I'm self-diagnosed Ehlers-Danlos so I'm going to be open about this with people.
Speaker: let's go to the Let's go to the sub. is I wonder if people are talking about it on Reddit. Eller Stan. Does it does ah writer Matthew Golden have Eller's? People are talking about that? I just mean in general. Right, you right, right. Let's see.
Speaker: No frenulum on penis. Start here. Do I have Ed's? Ed's. Uh, Apparently. I guess I'll just um yes, I do. Asked and answered.
Speaker: Yeah, you should be able to plug in your social security number and find out if you have any disease. Matthew, did you have any trouble walking when you were a child? In the beginning.
Speaker: I remember a distinct nine month period where I wasn't moving around much at all. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. I was trying to get out yeah we were trying to move of a dark room. No, I was pretty good at walking when I started. Yeah, you got the hang of it pretty quick.
Speaker: I think we we kind of crushed this ep if I'm being real. Yeah, I had a blast. I learned a lot. Me too. That's the idea. the That's the theory. And I'm glad I found two guys who know what I'm talking about with my pee thing. I've genuinely never met anybody else who knows what about. this up with people and people are like,
Speaker: People always suggest some other thing that is not that. like No, it's you get completely stun locked by the toilet and you feel like you could piss forever. And you you you feel like, oh my God, I'm pissing a lot. That must be the end of it. And then two seconds later, you're like, nope, I have another half Gatorade bottle in me.
Speaker: Yeah, it's like ruined parties. It's ruined like dates. You know, it's like it's like definitely. It's for sure where I'm like, just sit I'm like, I can't stop thinking about this. And what do you do? Yeah, I've had this all my life. And it's like once a year, maybe twice a year. Yeah. And rare. Have you ever had drive when this is happening to you?
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Like book at home. Oh, yeah, it sucks. or like Or like, yeah, I've had to pull over like two or three times to piss in the same bottle for a 20-minute drive sometimes. i have to piss in a bottle, dump it out. Ten minutes later, I have to fill the same bottle again. I mean, I've pulled all-nighters with this condition. because Yeah, I've just been sitting there reading, but I'm not even concentrating on that. Like, what the fuck?
Speaker: And then you like, yeah, you eventually learn not to sit on the toilet. Just relax. You know what i call it? like I call it the peepees and it's like diarrhea, but it's like piss diarrhea. water i call it Getting the peepees. Getting the peepees. Yeah.
Speaker: We should call each other. We should have like a group text thread for you. Call each other. Yeah, we should have the peepee chat. I would honestly really appreciate that because it's so lonely to suffer this alone. Because you feel crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I could just stop pissing. But you're like, it hurts like fucking hell.
Speaker: Yeah. You feel like fucking Frankenstein.
Speaker: Bye.
