66. My Computer (ft. Chris Person)

Transcript

Speaker: Well, welcome to Chamber of Reason. Thanks, Derek. Wow, that was expert. Well, I mean, you did this big hand gesture towards me, it's just it was my fault. e Well, yeah, I mean, you started it. You started the episode with a hand gesture, and then I was kind of like, well, I guess I have to start it verbally now that you've started... The hand gesture wasn't visible in the episode. It's an audio... This is an audio-only episode. A rare and audio episode. And Pierce knows that, so he shouldn't have done a hand gesture. I think it was just a polite thing to do. you know it's almost like it really ever polite to like throw invisible dust at me like that?

Speaker: I don't think I threw invisible dust at you. What were you doing? He threw you the stage. He gave you the stage. Not only introduce the episode, but maybe introduce our guest. You could tee me up verbally. Okay. Derek.

Speaker: Why don't you... You know how that's kind of impolite, though? Why don't you introduce our desk? No, I think verbal sounds like an order, whereas the gesture to me indicated that Pierce saw you as our leader, kind of, where, of course, of course you're going to introduce the episode. Well, you should have bowed towards me.

Speaker: What he did was order me around... No, I would prefer verbally because if you say, why don't you introduce the guest, I could give you a litany of reasons why I wouldn't. Today, our guest is Chris Person. Wait, you're the leader. Sorry. Chris, how's it going?

Speaker: Pretty good. Let's list some of your bona fides. You are a writer for Aftermath. Mm-hmm. A former or current reporter for Kotaku. Not current. Okay. Yeah, after basically Aftermath was a bunch of people who used to work at Gawker Media could slash Kotaku and like...

Speaker: either got laid off or the site got so shitty that we just like said, fuck it, let's make a workers co-op as like a la Defector, Hellgate, or a 4Media. So we are the video game and I guess technology element of that constellation of hyper specific things. And I guess now that makes sense. Aftermath, the aftermath of that sort of closure. And would you say, i mean, you have expertise in both hardware and software, physical media. Would you say you're more of a hardware than a software guy?

Speaker: i think i I think software people are taking L's right now because a lot of them turn into AI guys and that that can turn you evil or just like misguided. I don't know. Like they you get a lot of guys who are just like really way too fascinated with the mechanics of how like AI shit works and it's just like, oh, you're you're you're killing yourself mentally. you're You're horrible. Yeah. And also I like tinkering. I like soldering and shit. It's fun.

Speaker: Right on. you're you're You're in the physical world. You're not just the guys that buy and plug right into the algorithm. Fake tinkerers. Guys who like, you know, they they do an ayahuasca retreat and they touch a bug and then they're like, all right, time to keep conceptualizing. I i reached my quota for the physical world. i think I think more soldering would be good for the mental health of everybody probably. Depends on if you're using leaded solder or not.

Speaker: I don't know what that means. That one's bad for mental health. Lead? Yes. Mercury too. What about the guys who kind of just have, you know, sometimes you go in the the industrial part of town, they seem to have like an engine just on the sidewalk and they're hitting it with a wrench. Does that does that do anything?

Speaker: I mean, i i my sister is really into car stuff, which is very weird because she wasn't into car stuff before then, but now she's like an Audi. It's just funny to watch her and I ah like end up in like a lot of the same places years and years later in like sort of like approaching middle age kind of area and like...

Speaker: It's just very because that's ah that was not her her trajectory ultimately and you run to your sister at like the gray market scrap heap. She's got like I think it's because she married a car guy but they have like fucking four cars like just all like splayed out in like various case-wapped Audis. She loves fucking yeah I think she's got an Audi and ah like really like goes like goes to car shows at this point which is like such a sick like narrative arc for her.

Speaker: It is a cool hobby for a sister to get into. Yeah, it's it's way cooler than than like if your brother's a car guy, because then like... Oh, great. Another brother. Yeah. I don't have one of those. When your brother starts to get into cars, it's like he duplicates and then you have two brothers to worry about. already knew you were a brother.

Speaker: yeah You tried to bond with your sister at a certain point about ah hard wear and didn't go nowhere until she got married? No, she was just like and like, we just had different interests and then now our interests weirdly align because like I'm restoring a Taiwanese arcade cabinet right now and weirdly that's a lot like fixing a car because it involves like bondo and like a lot of sanding and putting on a mask and just like I needed to get the good paint and the good primer and you have to go to like the middle of fucking Maspeth to like a place called Albert Kremple, which sounds like a fucking Santa Claus's cousin.

Speaker: Yeah. And they, and they, they will give you like the really good primer and the really good automotive paint. And then it was just very funny because now we're just talking about like, oh yeah, that's how you put a vinyl decal on. And it's like, okay, now we just have a shared interest finally after like fucking decades. It's very funny. It's cool when two people have the same interest, they are not necessarily bonding over it yet. The thing that you bond over is getting the good blank, getting the good version of whatever thing. Then you actually have something to talk about because that's normal life shit. It's just like, you know, I had to go over to Mass. but I had to go to Mr. Cheapo in ah Long Island to get the Laserdiscs. Yeah. You know?

Speaker: But you're saying having a shared interest is not enough. It's not enough. Having a shared interest isn't enough to even... You just suffer for your interest. Well, you don't even have a shared interest per se, but you have a shared means to a different end.

Speaker: Yeah, like i don't I don't fucking have a car. I live in New York and and she doesn't give a shit about like arcade stuff. But we like end up on like being having something to talk about by virtue of the fact that like it's I look at a lot of forums and you'll like go on like gun guy forums and you'll like find a lot of things that are useful to you if you're not a gun guy or like knife guy forums or something like that. You'll be like, oh, where do I get like the good Japanese sandpaper? Right. Or where do I get like the good weird mechanical lubricant? And like that's the thing is that forum guys ultimately are.

Speaker: kind of the same or they like share they share more there's like there's like more overlap practically with what this with the stuff they get yeah and so you just end up on like a weird forum that's like totally outside of your interest but yeah the mycology guys know what the fuck they're doing in that regard those were the modern sages they're really the modern sages it's true If you're working on something, you want to find people who are experts in the sort of niche part you're working with. So if you need lube for the car or for another project, you find people who are experts on lube, right? Yeah. yeah

Speaker: Specifically nerd out about that. And then you'll have the best one that people working on other projects, they don't they just maybe reach for every day. hey why They ask the aluminum as they're leaving like Columbo, one more thing. Where should I get lube? And then they end up getting a pretty low tier lube. because You want to go to the sex shop to ask about the ideal lube. right You can't be going to like fucking AutoZone. I mean, AutoZone's fine, but like if you need like Simple Green or something like that, but you got to go to like Yeah, the fucked up place that doesn't even have a store you can walk into is just a guy behind a counter.

Speaker: Yeah. like that shit rocks. I love that. Totally. That's so that's that's like when you know you're not at, like, Home Depot anymore. Yeah. Like, you're like, and, like, maybe that's worth it. Maybe it isn't. Sometimes you just don't need that crap. But, like, I don't know. I find that stuff satisfying on a soul level. Well, it's nice because, you're you know, not only are you engaged, like, in the physical world, but you're, like, actually interacting with people instead of just having to get, you know, Amazon drone to your house or whatever. The people who are like, we walk into a, like a tinkerer's workshop, you know, those people are so much less condescending than a person at Home Depot or AutoZone or whatever, because everything is an inconvenience when you work at one of those big yeah corporate chains, but everything, every opportunity that you have to convert someone out of the stage where they're like bright eyed and bushy tailed about a typewriter or whatever, and then you hand them a torpedo typewriter and you're like, they're being morpheus Yeah, exactly. They're like, enjoy this. And then you come back two weeks later because some intern broke it. And then they go, well, look, it was working. And then someone else touched it. And, you know, that's just that's just what you get when you let other people touch your stuff. And then they're reality bombing you, you know, like, welcome to the real world.

Speaker: This is how I end up behind my desks. Too many people fuck with my shit. You know, talking about gun stuff, I just remembered I searched, is it normal or is it common to stagger different ammunition types in the same magazine? Let's say to do one round of hollow point, one round of full metal jacket, one round of hollow point, one round of full metal jacket. And you say count while you're blasting a guy to know what ammo shooting? No, just if you're going to do like four or five rounds. Like normal handgun, but it has two chambers and it cycles between them.

Speaker: Yeah, well, no, just one chamber, you know? But what about my idea? I like that idea, too. There are like double chambered um handguns, you know? There's like one, maybe. That's like a joke. There's this guy, Paul Harrell, who is a gun influencer but has since died. But he talked about how staggering... How do you die?

Speaker: ah Pancreatic cancer. Yeah. That's rough. aha Yeah. But he talked about how staggering ammo types is associated with criminality. And he said he wouldn't do it because if you ever got pulled over, he said, it's very wise for you to even be asking the question because it increases the likelihood ah that based on whatever self-defense situation you're going to be in, you might want different ammo types in the same magazine. But he said, if you ever get...

Speaker: A situation where you well you just don't know. You don't know if you're going to be shooting through cover. Yeah, but the situation would require to shoot one of one type and then shoot the other one. The thing is that you don't know which situation. So if you're going to fire two shots, one of them is going to be more effective than the other. You shoot one into the sky. You shoot one into then you the other head. the justification you don't know. Yeah, you could invent anything, but and you don't know how it would be used. But you understand the logic. No, because I want you to come up with a situation where it would make sense. No, the thing is, is it makes sense in any situation to stagger ammo types. One ammo that's good for shooting bellies and one ammo that's good for shooting heads. And it's like a big, big bellied cop or something. So, you know, that's the best place to aim. Well, in that case, I would want like three one ratio where it's mostly belly. Big belly cop sounds like an arcade game where you shoot cops.

Speaker: Yeah. And you shoot off the screen to reload. Yeah, shoot the screen to reload. Well, you shoot off the screen to waste the bullets you're not going to use, apparently. Exactly. i was teaming you up. I got really into, like, ah trying to figure out, I think it was because I was doing, like, I was making a trackball or something like that. Yeah. And I was really into, like, trying to figure out, like, mechanical lubricant. And the really, really good one is tungsten disulfide. Because it's like, okay, you have graphe but but graphite, I want to say, and then, like, under that is molybdenum.

Speaker: And then tungsten is like the really good one. And like got I went on the gun. these are lubricants? These are like metal, like physical lubricants as opposed to like like just like a liquid or oil based teflon or something like that. yeah and And so like that one's like orders of magnitude better than like even the best one. But like saw I got into this forum thread where like there were these guys that were using it to coat coat their bullets. So they take the bullet out.

Speaker: They would like coat. they You just put it in like a pill bottle or something with it. And then you shake it, shake, shake it. Right. And then you repack it and it lubricates it. and You know, that's like barrel wear sort of thing. The bullet or the cartridge? Like they're taking the bullet and then they put it back in the yeah and the round. And then put it back in the round. Whoa. And that like reduces the wear that the bullet has on the barrel. So you, so it like, irates so it, but it just slides right out.

Speaker: Yeah, it doesn't hurt the barrel, but the problem is because of how physics works, it reduces the pressure. so you have to increase the amount of gunpowder in the bullet to compensate for it, which is weird. do You think more lubricant would make it go faster? It's like, no, it like reduces the amount of friction, reducing like barrel pressure. So it's like this weird math they have to do. after the fact. So this is the equivalent of dousing each sperm cell in seminal fluid to get it to move faster.

Speaker: But you have to increase the strength of your prostate and vas deferens in turn. To have a <unk> exactly longer shot, right? Yeah, to have a longer shot. Has anyone tried on modding their penis so that they can like sort of prime it and then yes do a really good long spurt? Really? Yeah, no, that's like a sex guy thing.

Speaker: Really? they like yeah They like put like penis pumps in there and then like they wear through them and it's like horrifying. Oh, wow. like I like the idea of a lever action penis. if that's Like a fucking bolt, like a cowboy rifle? Oh yeah. Yeah, that would be kind tight. And then you can like do a so tactile reload like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he's on the motorcycle. Would it be under your nuts?

Speaker: yeah A penis lever under your nuts. I think that's exactly, yeah, the chain. Yeah, yeah. i would be in your that's We finally found a place for it. Yeah. You put your legs over your head so that you can reload your penis. Yeah. And you che you have to ejaculate into that machine to load it?

Speaker: You have to ejaculate just just just to be happy. Right, that I know. It plays Fallout New Vegas music. Yeah. whopo the big olal news yeah Exactly. Do these lubricated bullets also penetrate people's bodies more easily? Sort of like a lubricated penis? I don't think they do like a lubricated penis, if I'm going to be honest. Not like that.

Speaker: Not like that. Not in the same sir i don't think that's the I think those are different use cases. As a victim of gun violence, I don't even need lube. As a victim of penis violence. Well, they say that you want the bullet to pass through you. They say you want an exit wound.

Speaker: Well, maybe they don't say that. Who says that? Guys. Guys who are shooting you? No, you want this. Don't worry. Guys who've never shot a gun. Yeah, that you you want an exit wound. I guess I don't know because exit wounds really fuck you up. Famously, JFK would have preferred maybe not to have an exit wound. If it just stayed in there, he would have been fine. It could have. I mean, i bet that there's a higher chance of survival with a brain shot without an exit wound. Imagine if he would still be the president after that, though.

Speaker: they can't You can't? and I can't do an impersonation of it, but you can just, you know, put it together. Yeah. Let's just say that JFK already sounds like a normal president who's suffered a gunshot wound. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah. That's what the Boston dialect is, is a man who's a man from the mid-Atlantic who's been, so who suffered a brain wound. I am from Massachusetts, so like I do have a... No, you do not have a Boston accent no I don't have a Boston accent. I got out of that. But I just know, like, I think it did take me a while to stop saying wicked.

Speaker: Wicked doesn't count. I think wicked's cool. I think wicked rocks. Wicked is Boston. I like hearing it. Wicked's Boston. Wicked's Matt. Wicked's Matt, yeah. Well, let's get into the episode, shall we? Oh, sure. i feel like that's nice.

Speaker: Well, ah we have some shit here. I'll read this first one. Why not? Why Given that you have a history in video games, a couple questions. This one's about video games. This from the Rant subreddit. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Stop making every fucking video game into a movie. When I was a kid, I used to daydream about how awesome it would be if the video games I loved were made into movies or shows. I also was biased towards the ones that actually did have movies based off them, even if they weren't all that great. But because everything is shit nowadays, that's not just being petty. Factually, yes, 90% of media that is produced nowadays is slop shit.

Speaker: And every piece of media has to have a shitty movie or show made after it. Those shows and movies are inevitably shit. I roll my eyes and sigh every fucking time a movie is announced of a game I love.

Speaker: With the announcement of Zelda, it is confirmed we are fucked as a culture because all we all know it's going to be shit. I'm calling it right now. Link is going to be a pussy most of the time and Zelda is going tonna have to save him. Ganondorf is going to look like a fucking disaster.

Speaker: Zelda is going to be an annoying cunt. It's going to try to have a Marvel slash Disney movie and fuck everything up. The plot is going to suck. The plot too? And the script.

Speaker: Don't even get me started on the hypothetical script. Plus the shots. They're going to fuck up the the weird tree. They fucked up the Mario movie. Everyone says they love it. But can you actually remember it? Yes.

Speaker: Does it have good quotable lines? A movie scene that everyone knows and talks about? Can you describe the personalities of any of them? Not really, because it's forgettable.

Speaker: I hope Hollywood keeps on shooting themselves in the foot and they all go broke and lose everything and live on the streets because they don't deserve anything anymore. Whoa. Excessive.

Speaker: Yeah. You can tell we're fucked as a culture because they announced the Zelda movie. We can tell we're fucked as a culture because we all know it's going to be shit. That's why. It's because we know that. We shouldn't know that. If we didn't know it was going to be shit, if we were all excited, like Zelda's coming, then maybe our culture would be strong.

Speaker: I do like the idea of not of being surprised that a video game adaptation is bad. I'm often surprised when one is good. The Exit 8, great movie. haven't seen it. Really good. It was a ah weird...

Speaker: Steam game that was ah like Japanese. and It was like ah like a PC game that where it's like you're in a subway tunnel and you have to see if there are anomalies in the subway tunnel. cool like If you see one, you turn back. and If you don't, you you don't. and it's like They made it into like probably one of the best horror movies of the year. yeah It's really good. but like That's one.

Speaker: like They're not that many. Resident Evil might slap. Kane Pixels teased that he might have the rights to Portal. That'd be nice. Yeah. Yeah. Portal movie. he was at the fucking valve headquarters. So, you know, he saw the portal century that talks or no, they don't have a, they do have a portal century that talks and they have a ah a team fortress to turret that talks. I guess I'm mixing those up. It's called a portal turret and a team fortress century. I hope he gets to talk to old man Murray. Cause those guys, the guys like, or like people who originally wrote on like portal two and portal are like really like good. They were actually really good, ah you know, like writers. I met the guy who wrote Half-Life 2 at Nonplus Ultra, and I told him that because I only have a Mac right now and I don't do the thing where you can play PC games, I had to get the orange box on PS3 to play it And he said, Jesus, that's a tough break, man. Yeah, it is.

Speaker: Yeah. um Yeah, I don't know. Probably bad. ah It is very funny, though, because you do realize these are for children, right? and like ah Especially Zelda. I mean, of course Zelda is... What do you care that the movie... make this kid's video game into a kid's movie, and it's going to suck! yeah That is the problem, right? Trying to make it into a movie with, like, giving the characters... Depth? Depth. You shouldn't. yeah Resident Evil is cool because there is no depth. Yeah.

Speaker: ah Movies that I like that I sort of like video games that lack depth. Have you guys seen Universal Soldier 2? yeah too or I think 2 is the one I really like. okay or ah Or maybe the first one. I can't remember. I know there's two of them.

Speaker: but though Those aren't based on a video game, right? No. Not really, but like there are... they feel like it though. Hardcore Henry, you know? Crank has a kind of video game concept. Yeah. Crank might as well be an adaptation of of the Back to the Future any NES game, you know? It could be an adaptation of any game where you need to get powered up.

Speaker: I think those filmmakers made a movie right after that called like Gamer or or Game or something that is about someone in a video game. their Gamer is very funny. If I remember correctly, ah yeah, it's it's it's kind of a nightmare of a movie, but it's like really hilarious to watch. isn't that Doesn't that star that everyone's favorite Chud? Is that Russell Crowe? Who's in there is that? No, is it Gerard Butler? Gerard Butler. Yeah, yeah, i was confused that here guy yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: um I don't know. i It's like video game adaptations are like always fucking strange. They will always be strange ah because you're doing something. You're trying to get something to work in a format that doesn't really prioritize that. You know what i mean? And it's like, if it's a really well, if it's a texturally interesting concept and or like it's well-written, they're very rarely well-written. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: And also they don't want to regard any of the things that make that, like they don't want to necessarily use the theme music at every turn. Like the video game basically has made the movie for you, but it's the problem with any committee of Hollywood people is they want to put their own little spin on it. Well, that's the criticism you see. Like, not in this post, but other nerd guys will say this, like, why didn't they just take the video game and then have real people do all the scenes? It would be a 50 hour long movie.

Speaker: Or the Phoenix Wright movie that Takeshi Miike did. Oh, interesting. And it's like good with the exception of the fact that they don't use the video game music. And I'm like, why the fuck didn't you? That actually, I was like, kind of like, this would have been like a perfect adaptation if you just use the music from the video game. But instead they like did a weird orchestral thing and it's like, no, that's a pretty good adaptation. Like they did a good job. But like, I guess the key is... It's just like covering a video game though. Yeah, guess. Yeah.

Speaker: I wish that, I mean, I, despite myself, watched the Ratchet & Clank movie, even though I knew it was going to be shit because I liked playing those games as a kid, and I knew that they were like doing a weird Pixar whatever. But I do think that um the big the big problem is that there's no crazy breakbeat music in it. I mean, that's what I liked about those old games. I will say, what was it? Does everyone remember the Uncharted movie?

Speaker: No, that's what Tom Holland and I remember them announcing it and it being a harbinger of how we're fucked as a society. we are fucked as a society just because of the Uncharted movie. No, it was a really confusing movie and nobody saw it and it was bad. Well, I'll tell you, I like when movies are not closely adapting the video game. I like the original Mario. I was going to bring that up.

Speaker: So the original Mario, somebody told me that like the original ending for that was going to be like the CEOs of Nintendo knock on their door and are like, hey, we want to buy the life rights to your fucking movie. And and and then they and then they explain what happened to them in, like, the Mushroom Kingdom, and it's just a couple of Japanese guys being like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And it's like, that wasn't exactly how it happened, but this was, like, a guy hearing this second. And that's like, wow, that would have made it, like, a ten times better movie if you just included the scene where it's, like, the meta text of them being, like...

Speaker: I guess he likes mushrooms and then there's a big lizard and he has to save a princess and you know, it kind of points to like, that's a really good concept that just didn't make it into the movie. yeah The idea being that the end of the movie would suggest that the video games themselves are actually just poor adaptations. That would have been like so much better. It would have been better and it would have been much more insulting to gamers. yeah Yeah. Which is why it would have been good. Yeah. If you like this, you're confused. That's a good message to take away. Oh, I remember what I was going to say is my idea for a Metal Gear Solid adaptation, and I've probably, maybe I've said this to you guys before, but it would be Predator meets Jacques Tati's playtime. And Solid Snake doesn't show up until 40 minutes in. Because he's hidden in the screen and...

Speaker: Like, where's Waldo? he's Yeah, he's like in the background, like, where's Waldo? But he doesn't make an appearance, a real appearance, until like 45 minutes in. And until then, Liquid Snake is the protagonist, and it's about his vision to take over the world. And he's like, the the movie isn't judging him. The movie thinks that he's in accordance with with the right thing. And then Solid Snake is the antagonist who kills off everyone one by one. And then he has a final showdown with Liquid at the end, like Arnold versus the Predator.

Speaker: I think there was, there is a Metal Gear movie in technically either Development Hell or in Adaptation. I think it might be back, but there was that Jonathan Vogt-Roberts and Oscar Isaac yeah version, but I think that's canned. Is that canned? I think so. The one I really wanted them to do a good job with actually was Streets of Rage because the like the John Wick people kind of...

Speaker: got that and was like if you just made a John Wick movie and then put a bunch of house music behind it or like fucking acid. Every scene has a house music scene or every movie has a house music scene in Wick. Yeah but if you like literally it would have just been like just make it like one like those the only good movies at this point is like what do you call it? The Furious or something like that like movies that are just like a guy's really pissed off because his family got human traffic so now he has to beat everybody up. He's now going to take action for two hours straight. Literally just like we got a guy who does Like who worked on like several other Kong Hong Kong films, like in the, like late to that in the two mid two thousands. And now he's, he's got, he's going to direct this. Yeah. The Punisher with a little bit of friction instead of the Punisher, just shooting people in the back of the head and and coming, which I think is what the Punisher is about.

Speaker: The Punisher's about him. Punisher comes? I think the Punisher really enjoys... I don't the Punisher comes. I was going to say, i I think he kills people because he cannot come. He can no longer come. That's not good. His wife thing, right? Yeah, wife he has wife thing. He's a dead wife guy, right? Yeah. He can't come with a dead wife anymore. That's his wife's skull on his shirt.

Speaker: she had a really huge head. Yeah. no bottom jaw. Yeah. Really. can see why he's like that. Yeah. He's freaking. He's freaking out to be real. He's wearing the ghost rider on his shirt and he's punishing the people who killed his wife. He's punishing people period.

Speaker: I see. The Punisher. okay He's like Ricky Gervais in ah an Afterlife, you know? He's just being a total twat because his wife died. i'm just imagining him on that cover of like the heathen, whatever, where Ricky Gervais is doing like the microphone. Yeah. he was like Jesus. Atheist. He's an atheist, but it's the Punisher. exactly Yeah, exactly. He is an edgelord like that.

Speaker: He's going to punish meat eaters by not eating meat in a sort of vicious way. What's the Punisher's Reddit history look like? He's probably on rants. Yeah. He's probably on the rants Reddit. probably on r slash. But he's a lurker. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: Another cromulent fuckcrustable of a day. i can't believe Ridgewood drivers don't so look both ways before they make a turn. The Punisher is on r slash Ridgewood. Yeah.

Speaker: right The Punisher would be from like Glendale. Yeah, exactly. You know, the Punisher seems like an aggro bike guy. Yeah. like ah Like he's got a 10 speed.

Speaker: Yeah. I don't know. Like a tatted up guy who's just like, oh, he's getting mad at drivers. Yeah. He wears the GoPro while he goes and he goes bike lane, bike lane. Oh, that's a good idea. Let's cross without looking. Yeah, that those guys rock. I love those guys. Yeah. Sometimes I am that guy. All those guys have dead wives. I i don't.

Speaker: but i But sometimes I am because i love when when people like double park in like the entrance to a closed bike lane. That one's really fucking fun because it's just like, okay, but like, you know that like, people are going in there. Like, there's no other way around. You have to go on the sidewalk. It's very, like... and it's always a guy, like, on his phone, just, like, looking, like, pink playing fucking Candy Crush. Yes. Not even parked. Right. Like, he's just, like, idling in front of, like... Like, he's sealed off the front of the bike lane that's, like, made of concrete. When people do that, they become cops. When they pull over in a high-traffic area and then they go on their phone, they are currently police officers when they do that.

Speaker: ah Actually, there was a... um You can make money... by giving people tickets that are commercial vehicles. Like there's like- As just an everyday citizen you can do this Yeah. ah But only for like idling commercial vehicles in a very specific context. And they were gonna make it so that you could do that in the bike lane. And I'm gonna be honest, I would have been like an avenging angel. Like 80 bucks a ticket, I would have fucking cleaned up. Are you kidding You would make 80 bucks for giving out a single ticket? You currently if you do it for like a commercial vehicle that's like idling and like you have to take a video and then send it to the city and then they just give you a cut. Damn. Deputized. Yeah. The bishops of Momdani. They should. I mean, they should bring it back because I would clean up. What happened? It just didn't pass? ah They had to like, this is like pre Zoran and they had to like neuter it.

Speaker: And so you have to take a class and they don't give you any money. With Zoran, all that's going away. i want him to bring it back. i don't like It's one of those things where it's like... All checks and balances, anything, they won't be able to veto it. He's just going to make it happen. Yeah, he'll do it. I mean, I know there is some gray area in the U.S. where everyone, i think in any state, can do citizen's arrests. But I don't exactly know what... I've never seen it happen. You can actually just issue a citizen's ticket. It's true.

Speaker: For anything. Anything. if someone if If you see someone commit a murder, you can you cuff them? You can give them ticket. You can give them ticket murdering? can give them a ticket and they say they're sorry. Yeah. Wow. A fine. The victim of the murder is allowed to cuff them, but it's rare.

Speaker: Right. You have to bring them back. Yeah, exactly. They have to resuscitate them and they go, get them, get them, quick. Guy with a bunch of stab wounds be like, and you're cuffed. Damn it. Bucky got me Rats. Loophole.

Speaker: um Let's move on to this one. ah Matthew, you want to read this one? Sure. Can you zoom slightly? Yeah. My eyes are... i need glasses now. This is the most I can give you. By the time we do and a new video episode, i might be wearing specks. Nice.

Speaker: ah So this is on subreddit rants. It was posted six or seven years ago. a Header. Fuck water and ice in video games.

Speaker: Body. Water is instant death in some games. The levels are horrible. They're filled with a lot of waiting and slow physics. O-O-O-T. Ocarina Time, I think is what he's trying to say.

Speaker: They completely destroy the pace and take out the fun. Now, ice. My problem with ice is that most games don't give any way to maneuver it, so just slip everywhere. It's not as bad as water, but it's still fuck both of them.

Speaker: They don't need to be in video games.

Speaker: That's true. I love it still fuck both of them just as a construction. Yeah. But it's still just fuck both of It's still fuck both of them. Yeah, I mean that is kind of that's ah I mean once you put water and ice on the table, why isn't it just like fuck obstacles in video games? so need to be different What about fuck a lava? If you're gonna say fuck ice, you gotta say fuck lava. yeah Fuck Hawaii and Alaska. What is this guy loves lava?

Speaker: I do fuck with lava levels. I do fuck with lava. It's hot. that's I like getting hurt by that. If you fall in lava, you also die instantly, but it's like a hot thing. Yeah. Unreal Tournament Black Edition. I'm making a lava volume. Is it lava in video games or is it magma? What's the difference again? Uh, magma is within the earth and lava is once it peers over the crust.

Speaker: Well, think a lot of the levels are magma then. Yes. lot of levels are underground. If they're in hell. In hell. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I had a friend growing up who told me that he was, uh, what is it? Uh, what is it when you're not, he was, he had an irrational fear of video game water And he said, if I ever am in an underwater level in video games, I will panic. I will like, I'm identifying. don't know what it is. I feel like I'm identifying too much with the character and I feel like I'm drowning. Yeah. I can't be underwater in video games. I can't be near water in video games. And I was like, what about when you're like on Lapras and Pokemon? He was like, that's pretty fine. I was like, that's close when you're like on the surface of the water on a Pokemon. Like even that gives you some dread. But he was like, yeah, I couldn't beat Shadow of the Colossus because of Hydrus. I couldn't ride the electric eel. That was too scary. I will say that like I think this poster is is is missing the fact that like water levels have the best music. Oh, they definitely have the best music. Yeah, you got like even like Super Mario 64, you got that, and then Donkey Kong. like those is ah That's when you get the 90s guy who's like, fuck it, we're going to do ambient now.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna experiment some steel drums. It's sometimes they just go, let's just do Polynesian with it, you know? Well, because water couldn't be depicted too well, right? So it just has to be depicted only through music.

Speaker: Water is simply a musical experience. Yeah. You got to, it's the acoustics of being under there. You got to feel like you're under there. Yeah. I mean, in really old video games, a water level is indistinguishable from a land level, except you're hearing drips and splashes and then your mind just associates. I guess I'm underwater right now. Well, I guess this is all wet. Yeah, I guess I'm wet.

Speaker: Yeah, your character's dialogue begins with I'm wet and then you say normal stuff afterwards. in all the lava but ah game levels, levels, lava games, and all lava games I said episodes and all the lava episodes. It's just like ska music and shit like that. The squirrel nut zippers.

Speaker: Did any of you guys play the Thing game? and The adaptation of the Carpenter movie where you ah you can't tell if you're... That was a pretty good game. That game's interesting. They remastered it recently. It would be funny if in that game, because you're in the Antarctic research base, it would be funny if every time you go outside, it's just like a normal wacky ice level where you're slipping around.

Speaker: Dealing with that and secret aliens. feel like you could get that on Nexus Mods. The realistic ice mod. Realistic ice. I need to download this mod for Sekiro that turns into Jet Set Radio that they just had. It gives him the skateboard and he's able to like spray paint on stuff and like Oh, right. I've heard of this. Yeah. I've also seen some modders. They put the armored cores in Elden Ring. Yeah. I think that the most popular Elden Ring or Night Reign mod right now is the one that like puts the horse guy from fucking ah Sekiro.

Speaker: Gyobu. haven't played Sekiro yet. Sekiro is so fucking good. I'm playing it right now. i got i got the Steam Machine and they immediately just did... the most intensive thing you you can do, which is you play a game from like seven years ago. Yeah. But no, I've just been playing Sekiro on it. And ah fucking, it's I think it's like probably my favorite From game. I've heard it rips. I've only played Dark Souls 1, 2, Elden Ring, and I'm pretty much done with Bloodborne, but I'm kind of like, I haven't picked it up in a while. Yeah. i And I was going back and dipping into AC6, and AC6 is like structurally quite interesting. AC6 is, ah that's that's ah Blood, or that's Rubicon? Rubicon, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: um Rubicon is great. I have four answer and core four on PS3. And those are both awesome. Clear the calendar. We're just going to talk about like hyper niche, like fucking mech and and plane simulator. Did you play four answer? That one's kind of rare. It cost me like 130 bucks. No, but I've been meaning to. Also, also I'm really excited for the new Ace Combat.

Speaker: Oh yeah. That comes out. Yeah. I would just like to say, I'd like to see Kojima take another crack at the mech genre. Yes, the zone of the enters is great. Both of them are great. They're both really fucking good games. Death Stranding almost counts as a mech game.

Speaker: Almost. Or I guess Metal Gear also almost counts. Yeah. Yeah, i guess you're right. I'm being ridiculous. It's in the title. It's in the title. What is a mech game? Look at the guy you get inside of. You play as mech. I have ah Front Mission 4 on PS2 over there. I love Front Mission.

Speaker: Death Stranding counts as that? Doesn't he just have a backpack? He has an exosuit and you fight mechs in Death Stranding 2. They're called ghost mechs. And they're like H.R. Geiger and sort of cyber... I guess, what would you say? They're body horror mechs. They're spooky robots. Yeah. um get Do we kill this? Fuck water and ice in video games? we're all We're all kind of like... I like water. Yeah, water's good. I like the sand levels too, I want to say.

Speaker: Sand, yeah. I like the drinking water episodes of video games. You like the WarioWare micro games where you're forced to drink water. You have to drink. He gets really fat. Wario gets really fat. Wario gets plump. From the water. From water.

Speaker: He's like a, I mean, Wardio. That's what the W stands for, yes. Because he's thirsty. He's on, what is it? Hydro Homies is another subreddit. Hydro Homies? And they just talk about water? They just talk about water and their favorite brands of water. and they They post pictures of their water collections. I was a big Dasani guy back in the day. I guess that's the most hated water. most hated water Yeah, I liked it. it was I had it one day and it was pretty refreshing. it has sodium in it. Well, yeah, that's kind of normal.

Speaker: What about Aquafina? Aquafina is good too. It's hard to visually depict water realistically, but it is possible when you depict Wario. His Wario looks... Implies the existence of water. He's 90% water. He's 90% water, they say. Yeah. Doesn't he turn into slime? He turns into all kinds of... He turns into stone, right? Slime is 90% water. He gets a slime... He becomes a slime in Wario Land. I think he also gets stung by a bee and gets big, like fat, and but he floats around like a balloon. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: yeah Those games are really cool because they just envis envision like the upgrades as like things that just inconvenience you in a way that's technically useful in the moment. I really like that mechanic that instead of getting damaged, he gets changed by his enemies. he's immortal, but he can be like disfigured.

Speaker: Yeah, strategically. I think I might be talking about zombie. No, I think you're right about Wario. you guys turn into a liquid? I think he can. Like Alex Mack? If you get your ass kicked and ah become just one big purple bruise, do you think that makes you have better camo at night? Well, if you're in like a purple landscape. Right, you do well during the ah Aurora Borealis.

Speaker: You do well. Are there large purple animals? No. Panthers. pant No. Barney. Barney, yeah. Barney is big. He's bruised. He's fucking dead when I see him. Hey, come on. Sorry, that unnecessary. Did you guys like to sing that refrain on the playground about killing Barney? No, I sang the actual Barney song. Barney was like, I was too old for Barney when Barney hit the scene because I'm fucking old. Oh, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did, one of my friends, because like I moved around a lot, my friends was this fucking Norwegian kid, and he loved Barney and X-Men, and specifically Wolverine.

Speaker: Wolverine? Wolverine, because he was, he was nor but he loved, I like that he he was like, his two interests were like, the X-Men and Barney. Is it possible that in Norway, the Barney dub like included more adult themes? You know, I never considered that Wolverine contains a vulva.

Speaker: What is this? No, he was Norwegian. That's just how pronounce What would adult themes in Norway be like? Do they have different adult themes than Americans? They might. Yeah. I think just family dynamics, right? Those come up more and in in Norway.

Speaker: They do the thing where they, they put babies outside in the winter. They do that? To sleep? You know what I'm talking about? No. They bundle a baby. That's why they put their babies to sleep. I think this is a Scandinavian thing in general. You put your baby outside when it's cold.

Speaker: To warm up your house. This is like the beginning of 300. Like if he doesn't survive. Yeah. This is how Spartans. Weeds out yeah at the Norwegians. and then if you do survive, eventually they euthanize you when you're like 14 or 15 and you're depressed or whatever. That's the thing a lot right wing guys are really upset about. They're there they're euthanizing everyone. Stop.

Speaker: Have you ever seen the movie Sweden, Heaven or Hell? Oh. Okay, a very quick tangent. It's it's a documentary it's a Mondo movie. Mondo movies are like pretend documentaries like fake where they make shit up, like the Lemmings from fucking right right and the Disney movie. And um won't get into history of that, but it's this fake-ass Sweden. It's so decadent. They have so many good things, but so many bad things. Kind of like... Italian movie where they're just making shit up and the the English dub rocks because the guy who dubs it sounds like Stewie. And so they're like showing like basic reproductive education and they're like, ah one student asks, you know, like, what is the best form of of contraceptive? A diaphragm, he responds because it's like made in fucking 1968. And then like the, then there's just like, and this is supposed to shock you. This is supposed to shock you in like the sixties. And like, they're like, and they look on with the same indifference as when they are born, when they get married and eventually commit suicide. And I'm like, I fucking, it's my, one of my favorite movies, but also noteworthy because there's a scene because like all these movies were like, Oh, it's so scandalous. Don't look. But it was just an excuse to show titties in a movie because it was like fake documentary. So you could, but

Speaker: There's a scene where a bunch of Swedish chicks go into a sauna and they like eventually come out and have a have a naked snow fight. And the song that plays and it was a song written for this movie was Manamana. No way. Manamana. So the first time you fucking hear that song in history is a bunch of fucking naked Swedish chicks with their titties out throwing ice. And then that makes the song way better. Yeah, it does. I was wondering why people like that song, but it's a throwback. brass. It literally, I think it had a second life. And then Jim Henson was like, it'd be cool if Muppets sang this. ever And I just like that part of it is like he was watching this like titty movie where there's like homosexuals and drug use. And then and and then he hears the song. He's like, no, hold on a second. That's a banger when I see it. Yeah, that's a banger. You should watch that movie if you can find it on like YouTube. Why were you only allowed to show areolas and stuff in mockumentaries?

Speaker: or It wasn't like you could. It was just like a good Finleyville excuse to be able to do it. like It was like pretend academic and people were stupid. Anthropology. It was like Italians doing fake National Geographic shit. it's a running thing with mockumentaries. Like that's the only reason they made the offices. So you could see Jenna Fisher's areolas. Well, they were, pretend they were positing these things as real, but everyone who watched them knew they were full of shit. That's like the whole thing about Mondo is like, there's some parts of it that are real and some parts of it that like aren't. and so it's this weird mixture of like reality and unreality. Like,

Speaker: They like engineer like a flop house where people are doing heroin and stuff like that. Like, look at these decadent Swedes. And it's like, it's a really sick movie. love that idea of treating Swedes like a group of baboons. You know, that's awesome. When you watch the English dub, it's really funny because like all the things that they say are like nanny state shit. You're like, no, that sounds kind of tight. And so it just becomes like a guy who sounds like Stewie who has a really big problem. Mm hmm. Have you seen Suffer Little Children? is that good? It's any good. It gets pretty good in the last... You truly cannot... It's one of the most ineptly made films ever that got semi-popular, but it's like shot to tape. The coverage is just one wide shot and then another wide shot from a slightly different angle.

Speaker: You can't hear any of the dialogue because the music is so loud and no one's miked and there's a real hiss of the VHS the whole time. I guess I'll spoil the ending. There's like a demon, it's like an orphanage and there's a girl who's possessed by the demon and eventually she starts talking like the devil. She goes, slaves, you're all my slaves, kill everyone. And then all the kids start killing everyone. And then at the end, all of the children are saying, come devil, come, come devil, come. And then the girl turns into an adult devil and then Christ comes out of nowhere and then Christ defeats the devil. It's like the only horror movie I've seen where the devil is present and then at the end, Christ comes to kill the devil.

Speaker: It's pretty interesting. That's pretty good. um One thing I want to say about what you just said, Derek, is ah the idea that they only made the office so that we could see Jenna Fisher's areola.

Speaker: Do you think that's kind of interesting? It slip out a few times, right? Because it's a mockumentary. Jim's penis, I feel like, slips out. During the confessional interviews. Yeah. Jim's penis also slips out a couple times, too. I mean, I feel like they conceived that whole show to see how it was like ah a Zimbardo mating experiment between the Jim and the Pam character. Right. This is an office relationship. Yeah. It's actually a fictionalization of that, like we live in public thing, you know, where they got a bunch of people to like live on. They just, they just like drama dramatized it a little bit. Yeah. Just a little bit.

Speaker: Um, well, do you want to read this one here, Chris? sure I hate my stupid fucking piece of shit computer. Okay, i kind of I think I kind of like this guy. Why the fuck does it have to be that I can either play a fucking game at 720p or I don't at all?

Speaker: What the fuck could I have possibly done to deserve something like this? And I'm in still in fucking school and I can't get a job and afford a new computer. I hate this piece of trash. I just wish I had a usable gaming computer, but I'm stuck with this integrated graphics piece of ass. I'm fucking tired of the fact that I can only play Minecraft or Roblox without lagging. I just want to enjoy some damn games from the Xbox Game Pass subscription I have, but it doesn't fucking work because my computer is about as powerful as a fucking stone from the year fucking 1784.

Speaker: It's such a piece of hard garbage and crashes when I launch a slightly goddamn demanding game. It infuriates me so much when people complain about having a GTX 1060 or whatever. Can we fucking switch please? Because if if you could fucking cry so much, I would gladly give my school notebook I just paid 750 bucks for.

Speaker: Like, I just wish one day I could say fuck off to a piece trash have now and replace it with a nice usable gaming machine. I guess I will be stuck with this absolutely motherfucking rusty crusty crusty musty ass computer for the next few years.

Speaker: I love waking up every day wanting to shove this bastard up my ass because I can't run anything without freezing and starting to have a full on motherfucking epileptic seizure. He buried the lead there. he He's epileptic. He has health problems. This is the first guy I think I like. Well, no, he says it can't run anything without. I think he's saying. Oh, his computer seizes up. oh i see he's being able being ableist against his computer. yeah I thought he was shoving something of his ass and then seizing because that's like because of the shock. that was ro Right. Yeah.

Speaker: Doctor, I think I have epilepsy. I shoved a computer in my ass and was shocked. I think I was shocked at the results. and It ran really well. Now, I have never owned a proper gaming computer, so I've always complained about playing games on my fucking Mac or my Acer laptop with a touchscreen or whatever. So I can see I was never really able to play the high tier games with my friends during the Steam days.

Speaker: running Team Fortress 2 on a Mac and you know suffering. I really relate to this rant because when something doesn't just work, I kind of lose my mind. I mean, that's why I admire about you, though, Chris, is that you you tinker, you solve problems, you tell others about how to do it.

Speaker: um i'm I'm more like this guy. I'm just saying, what the fuck? I think if you what do what i Like, I just did this piece because, like, i this the Steam Machine is basically what you're suggesting. Like, or it could be if, like, RAM wasn't, like, fucking $200 a stick now. Yeah. um We're going to hear a lot more of this because of just, like... Computers are getting so much worse. Computers are fucking worse. Like, it's bad because, like, Apple is, like... yeah, we're we're fucked.

Speaker: Like, you know, when when Tim Cook goes like, yeah, there's nothing we can do about supply chain shit, and he's like, Mr. Supply Chain, like, that your iPhone's gonna cost like fucking $1,500. Like, it's gonna, I'm sorry, it's gonna it's goingnna suck. Computers are goingnna all gonna be expensive unless like...

Speaker: they do an investigation to like the RAM cartels or something like that. That's the main issue. The RAM. Yeah, yeah like basically... Data centers. Data centers bought up all the RAM for the next five years. And so they they're giving out like tiny amounts of it. um Also worth noting, sorry to get serious for a second, but like, yeah, the the rent the RAM like companies, it's like three, it's like Samsung, SK Hynix, and like Micron. They all like...

Speaker: They've done collusion before. Like they've done, they had like done price fixing like multiple times. They're like super corrupt. Yeah. And so like Sam Altman and fucking Jensen Huang and all these guys like coming up and being like, can you give us all the memory you have? Fuck all, all people on earth. But like, we want it is basically fucked. Like having electronics for the next five years.

Speaker: And like the steam machine was supposed to be like, basically what you're talking about, like a computer, it does like 1080 and 1440. And like, it was supposed to cost like 750 and now it's 1050. Yeah, it just goes to show that the ethics of a company like Valve are so behind the ethics of, or not behind, but ahead of the ethics of, like, all these AI guys. No, I mean, like, they could, I mean, I talked to them about this, like, for the fees. They're, like, relatively new in hardware. They don't have, like, the scale that, like, Sony or, Microsoft does. Right. But even if they were ahead in hardware, I mean, could they have seen, could they get around the RAM problem? No. I mean, no. Nobody can, but even, but like they were literally buying Ram this year when it was like at a shitty price. So like we're, we're literally, they're literally the canary in the gold mine for this sort of thing. But like, that's like, I think a lot of people just want something that like kind of can do 10, 80 and maybe 14, 40, you know, like can kind of do like,

Speaker: people don't really give shit. If you're that close to your screen, it doesn't matter. Or even if you're like in a living room or something like that, you know and yeah like you're fine. But like yeah, no, I fully empathize with this because like this is going to be the next five years. Sorry to get a fucking bummer.

Speaker: No, this is it. It's like, this guy's right. Personal computers are going away, basically, in terms of like being affordable mass market items. That's fine. You can simply ask cloud developers. Cloud, can you please play a video game for me? Yeah, and tell me how your gaming experience is. love when they try to like say that they're going to make video games that are like generated by AI and they they they always look like ass. and like can they It's basically like living like a person with schizophrenia or not schizophrenia, um dementia.

Speaker: Because it's like they have no permanent, like like world permanence past like three seconds. So you'll turn around, it'll just be a different place. And it's like, this is what your grandmother sees. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's where we're headed. Like everything is just going to be a hallucination. I think in the future, we won't have apps on our phone. We'll just look at it and we'll start doing shit and we'll be happy.

Speaker: Yeah. We're all going to be on ketamine, like based on how our electronics operate soon. Like if you're playing a game made by AI, it's just playing a normal video game. But while you're on ketamine, like you pick up a key, the key explodes. Yeah. You're in a different level. Your guy's face changes. yeah Did the key even go into my inventory? As soon as I touched it, it exploded. And then you walk up into a door and it has a keyhole that's kind of similar to the key you picked up. Then the key's back in your inventory. You put the key into the door. The key and the door both explode.

Speaker: And then it loads a cutscene where you put the key into the door and it opens normally. Everything's just exploding and then coming back. It sounds nice. It's just like things cut up from other games. you just like it just feels like...

Speaker: Backrooms. Yeah, backrooms, Ready Player One. yeah it just like It's like ah you're like walking around and then it's Mario and then like all the things move together. Mario flies through the sky. It's primarily Flappy Bird.

Speaker: Yeah. I think this is like, ah you know, it's cool from the perspective of like, you know, going into a Half-Life 2 Deathmatch whatever and then going into the console and typing in noclip and then now you're clipping around the maps.

Speaker: You know, when the when the AI was first coming out, and just like, what would happen if you could see more of the Bad Luck Brian meme? What would happen if you could get the full open mat for the ah Bad Luck Brian reaction image and see the negative space on the either side of his head? That would be heaven. be heaven.

Speaker: Clip outside of the environment. Hey, sorry, we need to take 20 million times more processing power to make something that sucks. Yeah, exactly. yeah Hey, I hope you liked having a computer, but we need to take everything that's inside of it so that we can see the end of the meme where a guy is checking out a girl and his girlfriend is getting mad. we need to see the end of that interaction. Yeah, but then it's like slightly different. Then your head is on it. or yeah Yes. And then you post it on Facebook because that's all Facebook is. Right. Get some likes.

Speaker: Well, I don't blame you for being Doomer about it. I agree with you, and it's time our listeners actually wake up. Wake the fuck up. This shit ain't getting better. I'll read this one.

Speaker: okay Is there an ethical way to be a landlord? This is not on rants. No, this is on our ethics. My parents say i should buy a house and rent it out so I can have control over who I room with and can end their lease if we don't get along, as opposed to renting with roommates. I told them I can't do that because i would be a landlord and that I don't want to take advantage of renters. They told me I'd never have stability if I don't.

Speaker: I'm afraid i either have to rent forever or take advantage of renters. Is there a way to be a landlord that isn't unethical?" It's funny that anyone who's interested in ethical questions is usually this kind of person. i mean, that's like New York Times also has their like ethics Q&A column. i think it's called the ethicist. And it's all questions about like how to fire your maid.

Speaker: how can How can I still do it? But no one will call me unethical. Is there a thing such a thing as a woke slave? a woke slave? No, that was just the those kind of shit that you would hear in the new York Times. Right, right, right. Like your slave is being so woke, you want to fire i think you mean a woke master. like is Yeah, having a slave in a woke context. Most yeah slaves are woke.

Speaker: Yeah, I think that's generally true. i I feel like a lot of the New York Times questions are about like, I have a slave who is un-woke. Like my POC slave said something kind of fucked up.

Speaker: Yeah, should I cancel them Should I cancel them or is that fucked up to do as their master? Right. I'm a landlord and it reflects poorly on the master. it reflects poorly on master. and My tenants are racist. Yeah. Should I give them the boot and hire people to do this shit for Should I them out and raise the rent?

Speaker: Yes. Posted by you slash Hannibal Burris. Right. Exactly. Yeah. um I guess ah I think there is an ethical way to be a landlord and you have to pay rent to your tenants. I think that's kind of the only way you do all of your. I mean, the only ethical way to be a landlord here, I'm going to go out on a limb here. The only way to ethically be a landlord is to maintain the living conditions of the apartment.

Speaker: um Pay for certain utilities like water and trash. Be constantly in communication with your tenants, but not unconsensually. Just if they ever need you to solve a problem, make sure you're always there to spend as much money as it takes to solve the problem. um And to have a rent-controlled or rent-stabilized property, or at least, ah you know...

Speaker: construct your rent in accordance with those guidelines and, uh, and, and yeah, give people deals all the time. i think that's a way to do it is to lose money. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker: The renters are truly free. It is the landlord who is their slave. exactly renters want too much and what the world that's what a landlord should be it should be like a group of renters go out into the world and they find someone and they force them to buy a place and then take care of them and then they feed them honey they get really big and fat There's a, there's like a, a very specific structure in New York. Sorry for another serious answer, but it's called like a limited equity co-op. And it's basically like a co-op that like you get like paid tax, like 30% on if you like, if you sell it ever. And so as a result, like it like regulates the price of the co-op and thus you can get them for like a hundred K sometimes, which is like not that bad for you. Yeah. Yeah. No, like they're actually really, uh, I, I think like Zoran has a plan for that. And I think like Samantha Catan was talking about that. But it's been, like, my pet, like, hobby because, like, basically in the 70s, New York City was, like, oh, there's a bunch of guys who just, like, are either setting their buildings on fire or just, like, not paying taxes. We should just take this shit. And so, like, the reason why, like, South Williamsburg is, like, just, like, significantly Puerto Rican is because it's all bunch of... Losuris is basically just, like, one big credit, like, co-op. And you can only sell it to, like, people who make, like, less than 100K or something like that. And, like, it basically poisons the equity and, like... yeah That's wild. I mean, that's what you need to do. You need to destroy the housing market. There's no way. No, actually legitimately you like, like, like you can't build your way out of like not having like getting around the fact that like everybody uses a bunch of worthless buildings that cannot, don't you literally just on the market. You literally just make it so that like it did it's taxed out the ass to sell. And then the only people want to buy it it are the people who live there. Cause they see it as like a fucking investment vehicle.

Speaker: And that's like the only way you do that. ah it kind of fucks with the real estate market, but like, that's why you build that. But, um, that's my serious answer. I think the the real answer is that you have to give your tenants candy. Yeah.

Speaker: We appreciate your sort of ambidextrous answer. You have to, like, there's there's one way Poison Aquing. The other one is, like, you install the the Notch. Remember when Notch had candy on his wall?

Speaker: got The Minecraft guy? Yeah. Yeah. The the guy who the guy who was the who made Minecraft. like I would have loved to live in his sort of Minecraft-themed mansion. The house that, like, Beyonce was going to buy, and he's like, fuck it, I got Microsoft money now. Do you remember when he was crying? He was on Reddit. Yeah. making posts crying about how he was surrounded by fake friends because he kept throwing parties at mansions. And for some reason, genuine people were not showing up. It was just a bunch of leeches.

Speaker: And then he, for people who don't know the the candy story, he installed like the candy that they're like, they're like candy bins that you get in the wall that like, will just like dispense jelly beans and shit like that but he had no friends and so the candy started he was like i guess the candy's rotting the wall it's like stale and so it's like a it's like a real your drawer of um jelly worms or whatever is just solidifying into a brick yeah you just like just like ah like ah you just pull the whole thing up what is the difference between jelly jell i think jack bensinger said jelly worms on the latest episode of joe box is jelly worms a thing

Speaker: What did I say? I said jelly worms. You said jelly worms. Yeah, but jelly worms are having a moment. Culturally speaking, I feel like jelly worms are entering. this Just to out myself. I've not watched that.

Speaker: No, it's interesting. really not getting That's what i'm saying. This is a this is simultaneous discovery in real time. Well, things come in threes. So the next person that sells jelly worms, it's probably. All right. I don't want to release this episode anymore. You said sells jelly worms, bro.

Speaker: Bro, the next person. There's something about this episode that sucks and I don't know. sorry. I just shouldn't have it out. disagree. I think it's wonderful. This is a great episode. I feel like. Chris really well, but I think, I actually think the recording quality is fucked up. Oh, no. I disagree. You're just going to start pulling out USB cables.

Speaker: ah Come on, Derek. Land the plane, man. I get up and run away. yes And you guys can talk about me running away for You should get that. We should play the ah the sound effect of ah of what is it? Scooby-Doo running. Or it's not a visual episode. So we can do this sort as a trick.

Speaker: Derek is actually, he's just took his headphones off. He's running. He's running like a chicken with his head cut off around the room. It's comical almost.

Speaker: Yeah, it's a good sound effect a sound effect. Did you like that? I feel like you would never make that sound. I feel like that's so not Derek to to make that noise. There's no body part that emits that noise. What kind of Hanna-Barbera character would Derek be?

Speaker: What kind or which character? I don't mean like a spell. well You mean if you want to go that route, you i want to do like a pre-made, but I was thinking more custom character. Custom. Yeah. I mean, like he's, I think he's too, he's too low key to be. I think you start, start with a pre-made and then you kind of edit it, right? Yeah. Like monster factory. I like the idea that your character name is the astronaut, but you're never seen in a space suit.

Speaker: Does that, does that track his name is the astronaut and he's always talking about space, but he's never wearing a space suit. I like the idea that he starts off as like the child from 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo and you just end up like, you know, a small Puerto Rican child in a tracksuit and then we just end up at Derek. Yeah. I could evolve from that. I feel like so. Yeah. Just move some sliders around. Oh, now that talking about evolution, I guess I like the idea of thinking of three things that Derek Yeah. Well, what Hanna-Barbera characters would mate and then create me, maybe. Yeah. Or what does Scooby-Doo evolve into in Pokemon? Yeah.

Speaker: Scooby-Doo? Yeah. Scrappy-Doo. Oh, no, no, no. Scrappy-Doo definitely is the Pichu. Remember Scooby-Doo? So that's sort of like Scrappy-Doo, but he's not he's he doesn't evolve directly into Scooby-Doo. He's like given something.

Speaker: Do you change you change the Scooby or the Do if you're making a Pokemon evolution? Do. Scooby-Don't. Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo, Do-Int. There's like a suffix-y kind of quality. Scooby-Dat? Maybe be like ah a girl Scooby?

Speaker: Scooby, Scoobette, do. Scooby do, Scooby did. Yes. Scooby doesn't is the final one. Scooby won't. Scooby just can't. Scooby shouldn't. This is just the Scotty No bit from like the third Austin Powers movie. Scotty No. He's fucking back. He's fucking back. that Dr. Evil's back. He looks normal. We're going to do another Austin Powers does he look so normal? They skimped on the makeup. Yeah, he looks... Did anyone ever here ever watch The Pentavrit? Mm-mm. It was Mike Myers' Netflix series, and it was basically like, what if the Illuminati were good and Canadian? This came and went, man. I totally remember seeing this. watched all of it because I'm a fucking big Mike Myers head. Pantavarit. Whoa. He invented like one or two new guys for it, which is like really saying a lot because Mike Myers has like four guys. Yeah. He has like Scottish guy. the love guru came back? Gay German guy. No, he's that's a Russian guy. Oh. I've always wanted Mike Myers to be dead. I've always thought that's the next celebrity to be dead. Him like that suicide guy. Robin Williams. That also hate. Yes.

Speaker: I've always thought Mike Myers would be the next guy to die and I've been wrong for a long time. No, he's he's Canadian. Yeah. He might go unconscious. I could see him as a vegetable. I can see anyone as a vegetable. it's not hard. Everyone who I see in my mind's eye is not moving. So that's easy enough. It would be nice to see Mike Myers as Scooby-Doo. Because i've I've always felt that Scooby-Doo, like it's weird that they haven't done like a realistic depiction of Scooby-Doo. They're about to.

Speaker: Where he's played by a guy? No, that dog. He's going to look like a real dog soon. No, but they should make it actually realistic. Like a human being. Yeah. Like the mystery team should have like a guy on all fours. Like doesn't talk much and plays the shaggy in a collar. it'ss It's not where you do see Mike Myers' penis in the Pentavrit. Really? yeah But I think it's a fake cock. Yeah, I'm sure. But in Kids in the Hall, when they redid the the actually quite good like new season of Kids in the Hall, yeah they actually showed their penises in that one. Really? And it was very interesting to see 90s comedy guys come back and they're showing Hogg when they're really old. Their penises must be so long by now. Yeah, exactly. At an older age, right? Yeah, that's how penises work. You get older and your penis gets long. Your ears, nose, and penis never stop growing. Yeah.

Speaker: Those are the three things. Well, I want to thank you, Chris, for coming on to Chamber of Reason. Thank you. Any closing thoughts, fellas? i want to thank you, and I want to thank also my hosts. want to thank you, Matthew. feel like appreciate you guys enough. want thank you, Matthew, for saying that. Derek, I want to thank you as a host, but not for saying anything since you haven't spoken about the final thoughts yet.

Speaker: um Don't thank me for thanking you because I'm not going to thank anybody right now. Oh, trust me. I haven't yet. I'd like to thank some people. Okay, go ahead. Mostly you guys. okay Who got you here? Is there anyone you sort of attribute like where you are in life?

Speaker: I think you meant like the studio. i was like, Derek, he's like, do you want to come over? I see. Derek got you here. they fucking ah I don't know. and What was your text thread like?

Speaker: Like, hey, I'm recording a podcast like down street. do you want to? was like, sure. Did he give details? Yeah, I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then they had to push it back because they were shooting something. Right. Right. And even I remember that. Yeah, i remember that, too.

Speaker: That was in reality. All right. Well, keep on listening. And remember that. um Remember that ah Mike Myers show where he like dressed up and did a game show? The Gong Show?

Speaker: Yeah, that was Mike Myers, right? I think so. Paul Rubens did like the You Don't Know Jack t game show too, which was actually really interesting. The Gong Show? Yeah, you know, there was like ah Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is about the Gong Show, and then they like Mike Myers did a version of the Gong Show.

Speaker: Number Wang. It is kind of Number Wang. Gong Show is giving Number Wang. Gong Show is kind of giving Number Wang. Oh yeah, you're right. Look at this. It's Paul Rubens. Passed away. All right. Cheers, everyone. Cheers. Keep on listening to Chamber of Reason. Thanks.

Speaker: The