70. The God Project (ft. Charles Austin)

Transcript

Speaker: I don't think girls are shy. They're shy girls. Where? People prefer them even. People do, so that's why they exist. Is a mousy girl always shy? Yes, she's always hiding. Well, are church mice always shy? That's the thing. They're always real.

Speaker: They're always sexy. I just think there has to be some church mice who kind of take after the choir in the church and they like to get into it. Yeah. Do you guys like when Jerry croons and he throws his head back and his whole head basically becomes one big black hole where his mouth is? Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry the mouse. Who's that?

Speaker: He lives in Jerry's apartment on Seinfeld. His name isn't Jerry the I don't know this mouse. I genuinely don't. If you look it up. Don't say you genuinely don't know that. We just watched Tom and Jerry the other night. I don't know that. Back Okay, our guest on the show today is Charles Austin from e one Podcast. you And from his music career. Yeah. well So we're in the Big Apple, right?

Speaker: That's true. New York, New York. We're all here in person. And I had the most delightful New York experience on my way here. Dude, I just want to say thank you for coming in with his energy. We can get a bit morose on this podcast because we're so gigabrained that, you know, it's easy to become Doomer. But... Your low IQ levity is thank you so much. We're in fact going to be interrupting your story by thanking you. Well, I was going to bring some positive energy to this, but when I came in here at first, I brought some really negative energy to Derek where i was ready to fight him. Really? Yeah. I hate Derek's energy so much that I'm always trying to tickle him and fight him. yeah He's a fighter. So you look at this guy and you're like, his ass he looks like he could scrap. He can be kind of scrappy, but I think I could take him, you know?

Speaker: Well, I've been raised in fire, they would say, forged by the flame because people are constantly attacking me and fighting me and that's where my attitude comes from. You're always scratching you. Yeah. Like kiddies.

Speaker: Tell me about your New York morning. Okay, well. cheap that energy. We like that. We actually like that energy. To be foolish with my money and lazy and take an Uber to get here. Nice. And on the way, there was a street that had a sign that said slow on it. And the Uber driver decided to turn onto it because it didn't say closed. It said slow. And then he rolled down his window at the construction worker there who barred him from entering and said it should say closed instead of slow. And the guy's like, fuck you. Shut up. Fuck you. And my Uber driver's like, fuck you. Fuck you. Shut up. Whoa. And I was like smiling like this is the Big Apple. Yes. That's always how it goes. It was beautiful. That doesn't happen in Chicago. yeah Right. That actually means they love each other. In Chicago, when do drivers typically think that all signs mean don't do don't do anything? I think... And then if they do do it, they don't get into a shouting match. They both apologize.

Speaker: There are too many do's and don'ts in that sentence where now my low IQ energy has derailed the podcast. I like what you said earlier about IQ. Could you repeat that? Yeah, we should begin this episode by going around and sharing our IQ so that everyone knows what to expect from us. and That's not even what I liked. I like the other thing you said about IQ.

Speaker: Oh, that mine was maxed out? No, I like the other thing you said about like you. Oh, tattooed on your forehead like a brand so that everyone knows coming into a conversation with you that you are or aren't.

Speaker: you You do or don't know how to do or not have a conversation that is very intellectual. Yeah, or just like you can recognize patterns and shapes and in a very time sensitive way. Well, i think you could have 150 IQ and not know your shapes. Yeah, I guess that's true. knowledge is different from intelligence. Knowledge and intelligence are different. No one should be able to tell you what your IQ is. You should have to try to guess based on how they're behaving. so you can put a post-it note over the brand of your IQ and then everyone guesses and then you reveal by pulling the post-it note off your forehead and you reveal the branded IQ. Or you have to guess based on how they treat you.

Speaker: Yeah, that's what was getting at. I think, yeah, on on on your forehead, it should be the the IQ written out, and it's all its digits, as many as there are, and then you should have all of your knowledge tattooed on the soles of your feet. So first impression, oh, the number of their IQ. Then once you start to get intimate with someone, you're you're getting into their very holy territory, the soles of their feet. Then you're like, oh, you actually know all about James Bond? Triangles? Yeah, triangles. I was thinking recently too that like if you got to be efficient about knowledge and what knowledge you choose to acquire, I think that numbers are high value and letters are low value because numbers stack, right? You learn 10 numbers. You can get all the way to infinity off of 10. If you learn 10 letters, that shit is worth nothing.

Speaker: Yeah, the scaling on numbers is insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah number yeah. Letters just don't do shit and and numbers scale so quickly that you're just so much more efficient to learn your numbers. like Really? Don't letters scale? No, because... Can't you build uppercase? Can't you go uppercase? I would argue there's only 26 of them, you know? Oh, the there's a letters don't increase. Well, there's a bigger number of numbers, but there's a bigger letter You only learn 10. There's high value. To learn 10 numbers, you're getting so much value for that knowledge. Yes. so learn 10, even 20, even 26 letters...

Speaker: Doesn't really feel that worth it to me when numbers are right there and they're so efficient. But you can think of it as like it's a base 26 digit number system instead of a base 10 digit number system. You can also just learn A through F and stick with hexadecimal. You don't even have to go beyond that. that way F is a number in that sense. Yeah, you're right. You know, think of the innocent ah kindergarten word apple and what that denotes, what that symbolizes for us. It actually represents something quite complex, but we all know what it means.

Speaker: Now, to describe that object with numbers would take millions of numbers. wouldnt A equals one. So one. And then P equals whatever. P is like 15 or 13. Okay, you're using letters. you're No, but I'm going to replace all letters right now with one simple trick.

Speaker: The E in apple, that's a five. So when we talk about Apple, we're talking about 1, 1, 14, 14, 11, 5. i'm fourteen fourteen eleven five Yeah. He just numbered Apple. Yeah.

Speaker: Okay. i I feel like a fool. Maybe the word. I can see your forehead. I know you're a I know what your IQ And certainly not what it connotes. Ooh. Well, I don't think Apple does that either. Apple does. No. think Apple denotes what Apple is? It's just a sound. It definitely denotes it. Well, then the numbers denotes it too. You didn't say denote. You said conote. I said both.

Speaker: It doesn't know Apple does not denote or canote an Apple. It's just a noise that is associated with ah the denotion and connotation that is ah the commotion. Look at this. What kind applet notion and connotations don't exist independent of the word.

Speaker: It's what a word does. Then the numbers do it too. The numbers are identical. If you're saying that the numbers don't ah denote Apple by saying five, they're just referencing the letters that reference the thing. We're in a hole. We're in a hole. We have to get out of this conversation. a cryptographic code, which Matthew seems to have trouble unraveling. Can you get to the bottom of my code in time? does There's a code written all in numbers on the wall here, and if in 10 minutes you don't solve it, the room will explode. i Killing me along with you. I won't do that.

Speaker: okay If there's a puzzle... And we all are gonna die if I don't solve it. I will not solve the puzzle. I don't like solving problems. Derek just shouted, we're in a hole, we have to get out of here. If we were trapped in a puzzle room, Derek would yell, we have to get out of here. That would that would be Derek's useful contribution. That's that's step one. probably If you don't figure that out, you didn't even know if we were in a hole. That's true. Derek is bursting out of the well and saying, we should improve this conversation somewhat.

Speaker: We're dying. I hit him with, ah, but you contribute in this conversation. do you guys agree that someone should do a riff right now? Before we go on, anyone want to get their riffies out? Get some riffies out? May as well get it out of our system so we can actually get to the real meat of this episode, right?

Speaker: Yes. But first I want to say... Does, does denotion work with numbers? Does a hundred denote 100 of anything? Reminds you of a bill?

Speaker: It reminds me of ah well, words is reminding different than denotion and kenotion. I think the word apple just reminds people of the concept of an apple and that's all it does. Yeah. Just all words are reminders of concepts.

Speaker: I think that the word apple creates the concept of apple. No, it doesn't create it. It just hearkens to it. There's a whole system of reference. And for me, Apple also means, like I said, kindergarten, shiny, red. There's all kinds of things going on there. Not simply the object Apple. Garden of Eden. That's a smart guy book. The Bible. It, you know, yeah, think about that. When I say banana... Yeah, think about that. about the Bible. What about that book? When I say banana, isn't the thing that's being created in your mind a cartoon yellow banana? When I say banana, no one's thinking about a green banana. I'm thinking about monkeys, the jungle, banana republics, the clothes of banana republics. This is what I mean. It's reminding you of banana things. But when I say banana, you're not thinking about a green, mushy banana, even though that's still technically a banana. I'm thinking about everything that that word calls to mind. So you're being reminded your mind, but not reminded. wait your point is that we don't think of a ripe yellow. We think of a ripe yellow banana on a green mushy banana. If I say a word that you don't know, then it's not creating the concept of the word in your mind. You would have to know what the word means in order to be reminded of its meaning. I would say if I say the word apple and let's say three of us think of a shiny red apple, but then Charles thinks of a black rotten apple, I would say there's something really wrong with Charles. No, I would say there's probably something wrong with me. Yeah.

Speaker: There's something wrong with you for putting that weird idea in his head. I ruined your apple. Oh, get this apple out of my head. What are you talking about? It's gross. It hurts. But if I said Christmas, that doesn't create anything. Christmas. I do think i think it does create something. Christmas. You said so Christmas. That word makes me think of an apple, dude. Yeah. Wait, I got apples on the mind.

Speaker: I love how Matthew and I are in a serious argument right now. I completely disagree. If you, if, if, if, if the final episode of chamber of reason, this, this argument cannot be resolved. Creative differences. We're going to get to the bottom of words.

Speaker: I don't think denotion exists. I think reminding exists. And all all concepts, all all the meanings of words are just already there. no The idea of nostalgia is something that already exists pre the existence of the word nostalgia. the blobject or the hyperobject. Like the the idea that the, I guess phallus, like the idea that thing exists and then everything from there is just a reminder ah with a few sort of quirks and and false memories.

Speaker: Everything is a misremembered penis. And when Pierce says phallus, what do you guys think of? An apple. That was a close one. I guess from now on, whenever I see an apple, I'm going to think of a penis. Yeah. It's going to be dope.

Speaker: I like my new life. Thank you, guys. Yeah, you're welcome. Every time you think of an apple? Yeah, that's what's going to happen. How often is that happening? A lot today, apparently. A worm bursting out of an apple. That's what I think of. Yeah, there we go. Oh, now I'm thinking of two things. An apple and then a wriggling, thick, slimy, blouse. A veiny worm. A veiny worm poking out of it and going into my mind. Maybe this is a new direction for this podcast as we describe things kind of viscerally. Just imagine a slimy worm. It's like kind of ASMR but nasty. Yeah. Slimy worm percolating up out of that apple. Yeah, just nasty affirmations.

Speaker: You're in a nasty world with goo. Slime is covering your entire body. And a monster. But to you, it's normal. But to you, you love it. That's not gross to you. you're one of the gross guys of this world.

Speaker: You were born here, and you'll never leave. Hell affirmation. The devil is sucking you off. Are you guys scared of worms? Do worms remind you of death? ah They remind me of rain. Yeah, that's it. Maybe they should remind me of death, but I think I don't spend enough time thinking about death because it's already so inevitable that it's like, I'm just going to focus on like ah money and cheap entertainment I don't even enjoy. going to spend the next like 40, 50 years on that and then I'm probably good. you You're so reconciled to dying that in your yeah in your wisdom. i can I can focus on chasing cash and being entertained by stuff I don't even like. I'm thinking about worms.

Speaker: Oh, but but not death, right? Just worms independent of any connotation of them eating your what remains of your flesh as you descend into the earth. Do they don't even do that so much, do they?

Speaker: Worms eat flesh? Well, not worms, but um larvae, insect larvae eat flesh. Sure, but those are little white guys. Are there no meat eating worms? There must be.

Speaker: um I can't remember. Well, it depends on what you mean by worm. There's bird's Depends what you mean by eat and meat. Are larvae at the top of the food chain? The top. Why, does they eat us? Yeah. They're apex predators. Yeah, they are, right? Yeah. Yeah. I would argue they are. Larvae. maggots and fungi are all apex. Yeah, exactly. They're at very top. Processors or whatever they're called. What are they called? their Absorbers? Getters. The gettas all at the end. Got by the getter. The Grim Reaper should just be a massive ugly pile of worms. With a mushroom on top. The Grim Reaper should just be the sum of all microscopic creatures on planet Earth. In aggregate. All bacteria, yeah viruses. it It wields, instead of a scythe, a big wriggling worm that hits you with. It bites your soul away.

Speaker: Alright, this is Chamber of Reason, okay What do you think happens after death? For real? No. We've asked this question one million times. Don't worry. My my question will ah pivot us back into that perhaps. you know We might get back there. Would you like to start?

Speaker: Yeah. Or after life. What about afterlife? What happens after life? That's what I meant. death, that's not really a coherent question, right? Yeah. Yeah. um I had a profound thought when me and Derek were at the coffee shop, which Derek, he would never say so himself, but he did a very nice gesture of the guy gave him his drink for free. Why?

Speaker: And Derek tipped it. but So the water had been turned off and he was like, I don't know if we have water if it's back on yet, but let me check. And it was back on, but because he created so he sowed so much doubt in Derek's mind, he wanted to do something nice for him. So what Derek did, he tipped him the cost of that free drink. And it made me think, should you be able to buy your way into heaven monetarily if it's from doing good deeds like that?

Speaker: Interesting. a million dollars of good deeds on earth buys you free path into heaven. One million dollar donation to a charity of your choice should instantly get you into heaven. Only that charity spends its money wisely and isn't really corrupt.

Speaker: You get to know the money's going to the right to the right place. I believe the Catholic Church actually has this concept. Indulgences. It seems this has already been done in the past in a very famous fashion. But they did financialize the afterlife a while ago. But here's what I'm saying is it's not to the church though, it's to the barista. three dollars at a time yeah if if Derek got 333,000 cups of free coffee and then tipped the equivalent amount up to a million I think he should go to heaven for that because it was so wonderful he should tip the laborers who sourced the beans though not the barista who gave three can we tell the barista pass this on to the laborer who sourced these beans she'll do it naturally or he will do it naturally because ah of just the law of karma or um ah were they

Speaker: Come on, Pierce. Stupid brain. get to Get it together. I think you probably go into coffee shop heaven. I think heaven is divided. If you do good deeds in coffee shops, every time you enter a coffee shop in heaven, that's going to be a wonderful heavenly experience. Every time you enter a coffee shop in the afterlife. You're in the void. Your soul does not exist. But every once in a while, you get a hankering for a coffee and you walk into a coffee shop and it's like, no!

Speaker: you have done that in here Are you unlocking certain services in the afterlife by being good to those people in real life? yeah like You just have like a coffee shop and you have like a movie theater. But you'll have like a very gated experience in the afterlife where you walk into some rooms and you're in hell.

Speaker: But like if you commit domestic abuse every time you go home, you're in hell. When you go to a coffee shop, you'll a good time. Your afterlife reflects your experience. So then are you just alone in this weird solipsistic purgatory based on the things you did in life? Yeah, it's like Synecdoche, New York. Yeah, yeah. It seems kind of like it's kind of depressing. This is that sort of what the Egyptians thought, right? I mean, the things you spend money on in life will eventually in the afterlife that will constitute your entire reality. it with you You'll take it with you. You will take it with You take it all with you. That's what we're doing here, folks. Don't buy shit that you don't want. It is funny that that is currently considered wisdom is you can't take it with you when you 100% can. But the people who built the most magnificent, enduring structures known to civilization and man took it all with them and they really, really believed. And what did they want to take with them to heaven? Mummies. Cats and drink. They wanted to take mummies.

Speaker: The problem with heaven is there's no mummies. How do we get these mummies in heaven so can actually have a good time? a mummy transportation device. Yeah, maybe it's the cat who put the mummy in there. Like, I want to bring this mummy with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah We have to crowd kevin heaven with ah mummies and kittens so they can both play with each other. i mean, that's pretty cool. I would be happy with that, I think. Mummies are just there as ah cat scratching posts in heaven just so that the cat has something fun to scratch. How come we don't make mummies anymore? I don't know. What's with this fucking country? We don't make anything anymore. We don't mummies anymore. stipulate in your will that you want to be a mummy.

Speaker: Really? You can. would would Would you guys be cool if I write you three into my will that you have to mummify me? You guys have to be mummies. I'm writing that in my will. You have to ah go into my sarcophagus with me. You mummify me and then you go into my sarcophagus and suffer. We're not mummified. We we are normal worm food, but we're just cuddling you as bones on your mummy. You're larva and mushroom food. yeah, yeah. yeah yeah I like that idea. nice but Do you guys know you can buy indulgences still?

Speaker: I did hear about this. Not from the Catholic Church. You can buy barista indulgences that were at one point sold by the Catholic Church that were never cashed in. like They're like certificates, like IOUs. That's awesome. and they've been passed down. So you can still buy indulgences and get into heaven. Are these eBay? VPN. so. You got to get a VPN before you buy indulgences. Yeah, for the Vatican. A used indulgence.

Speaker: Now, I have a question about this coffee shop experience. Was Derek so clear? you said that the ah barista had sown so much doubts that they wanted to make it up to Derek. That's my interpretation, Derek. No, we were we were laughing and having a good time. Oh, is that why? Is it because we were so funny and charming? We actually charmed the socks off this guy. He said, ah what's the worst that could happen when he was trying to pour the shot? And i and say I said the machine could blow up and kill everyone. And he got a kick out of that.

Speaker: It meant nothing to me. I didn't think it was funny. No, you thought it was horrible. you thought i was just throwing shit at the wall. You said cut this. Cut what I'm about to say. Wait, what you're telling me is that he he gave you a free drink because you said he was going to die, maybe. Yeah, I was nagging him. Yeah, you nagged him into that drink. Yeah, he was thinking about his death, and then that made him go, you know what? Fuck it. This is just a coffee. Well, this recasts the whole scenario in my mind of maybe that $3 you tipped should send you to hell because you were tormenting this guy and nagging him.

Speaker: And then you gave him money as like, I don't even need this. I have so much money. i don't even need my money. I know. I basically tossed money on the floor and said, pick it up. Yeah. Yeah. That was a very evil thing you did to him. We should go apologize. Yeah.

Speaker: Does that get you into heaven is wronging someone and then apologizing? You you get minus three for the wronging and plus four for the apology. So technically you could get to heaven. Oh, it's the one weird trick to get to heaven by negging baristas a million times. Right.

Speaker: I feel like an apology that outweighs the severity of the crime is itself a crime. I feel like if you over-apologize for a small infraction, that's a hell point and not a heaven point. I had a friend who used to constantly apologize to his girlfriend for checking out women.

Speaker: Like this of guilt. I'm loyal to you, babe. I just had to be honest with you. I was like looking at that girl's butt as she walked by. and it's that seemed like a a very clear-cut example of that. You're creating fights yeah for no reason. You're cheating by apologizing. Yeah. Right. It was fine until you apologize. that's Totally true. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah. I mean, if you, by that logic, if you can get away with anything, then it's hidden from God. If no human being or animal notices what you've done, then it's fine.

Speaker: Well, you, the caveat for animals there, if, if like a cat sees you commit murder, is it worse than if the cat didn't see that? Okay. Okay. Yeah, totally. The cat keeps the score. If you see the cat seeing you, but if a cat, okay, here's the thing. If an animal witnesses you doing something wrong, it doesn't count unless you see that you're being witnessed by the animal. You got to make eye contact with the cat and be like, we know what's happening. if it traumatizes the cat. The cat, yeah, doesn't act the same after that.

Speaker: I don't think cats give a fuck about murder. I think cats will see like a horrible... Cats can watch an entire genocide and then still kind of lick their paws. Yeah, but if you pet them backwards, that's a greater sin than the genocide. It's just... Your fur is all fucked up. If you pet a cat's tail, that's worse than a genocide for cat. You can like a thousand hours of snuff film to a cat and nothing will not be psychologically affected as long as you're still feeding Right.

Speaker: You still still has to eat. Yeah. A cat will hate a bath more than a thousand hours of snuff. Yeah. Yeah. They're selfish creatures. They're selfish that way.

Speaker: Yeah. It's selfless to hate snuff films. but You know, a dog might croon and howl if they were to watch human beings getting murdered. You think so? Ooh. Yeah, they would hate it because of Master. Because they love Master.

Speaker: ah This snuff film reminds me of what could happen to Master. Yeah. And dogs know about death and bones because they like to dig them up and them. They bones. Yeah. So when Master becomes bones, it's really hard for dog. You would really fuck with a dog's head by saying, do you know where that bone came from? You don't think when a dog is chewing on a bone, they're not, they're ruminating on death. One dog's bone was showing on the concept of death. do You think so? I think so. That's how dogs think. They seem to be having a ah nice, happy go lucky time with that. That's because they're unbothered by death unless it's master's death, but they're so stupid that they do. They could think everyone is master. They're only bothered by death when the bone breaks into shards, like a chicken bone they found on the street. Yeah, you shouldn't feed chicken bones to dogs because they can ah shatter and thereby remind the dog of death. killing a Killing a dog is also really stressful for Killing dog reminds it of death to an uncomfortable degree. Yeah, this may be an unpopular opinion, but killing dogs is kind of an ick for me. It's bad for them. It stresses out the dog. American dog owners that kill their dogs have no idea how stressful it is. is yeah They just think, oh it's cute when it passes away. Honestly, even strangling your cat can bother the dog. remind It reminds them of death. Yeah, reminds them of death in a different way, but it or it bothers them.

Speaker: We don't know. that We don't know why they react. If somebody has done that, let us know. When you strangle a cat, it's like the dog gets a food insecurity or whatever. like ah Or what is it called? Food ah aggression. They think that you're playing with a toy. Yeah, they get hangry. You're strangling the cat because you have cute aggression and they're strangling you or they're bothered. They're strangling you. Dogs can't strangle. That is the interesting thing, no matter how smart a dog supposedly is.

Speaker: They say it's as smart as a dog. or Do you think you could teach a dog to operate a noose? Maybe if you tied the noose for it, do you think you could teach dog pull on the noose and yeah and tighten it? yes the dog can bite The dog can tie any knots with its mouth and snout. yeah A smart dog, I think, could strangle a human with a little bit of assistance. I think a cat can strangle. I mean, they don't have thumbs, which I think are really critical for strangling. Big and smother. You know, they say so cats can have sat on a baby's head and smothered it really Really? serious? Cats? Multiple?

Speaker: Several cats got on a baby, passed out, and killed it. The only time that cats ever organize is to kill in infants. Here, you send this nostril. You send this one. It'll eventually all close up.

Speaker: you Won't be able to breathe in him a wink. i All right. I have a question that's very similar to what you were talking about with indulgences, and this is a very short one. It's not even a question, really. It's a take.

Speaker: It shouldn't be illegal her to destroy money. It's your money. m What do you guys think of that take? It shouldn't be illegal. To destroy money. It's your money.

Speaker: I disagree. Why? Because money is sacred in our society. If money is not sacred, then what is? right then We've got nothing left. Money is real, they say. yeah It's maybe the only real thing.

Speaker: Yeah, well, I mean, I don't like that that's true, but it it obviously is society. Well, not for Derek, because he gets his coffees for free because he's so fucking funny. yeah I don't need money. I get free stuff wherever I go. I also don't think you should be able to destroy, like, candy. What?

Speaker: No, why are you destroying candy? You should be allowed. It's if we live in a free country. You think legally you shouldn't able crush candy? You're talking about should, and I don't think we should live in a free country. ok You think that we should have laws? We should live in a dystopian society where money is not allowed to be ripped. But don't you think it should be legal to live in a free country?

Speaker: should be legal. It should at the very least be legal to live in a free country. Yeah, if you're a foreigner, if you're in some other damn place. Well, that's not being a foreigner. That's just living somewhere else. That's being not foreigner. Somewhere else. Everyone outside of here is foreign to me. didn't realize that I'm on a right-wing talk show right Yeah. Well, I think that, okay, when we're talking about crushing candy, getting back to that, because candy can be exchanged for money, I think it's wrong to damage anything that can be exchanged for money because that is like transitively money. Crushing should be illegal. Yeah, crushing anything that has monetary value should be illegal. Well, I guess that is what it means. If you say that destroying money is illegal, if it's a federal crime to destroy money, then crushing, ripping, or rending anything should be considered illegal. I guess unless...

Speaker: Well, candy is interesting because it's a commod it's a clear commodity, but should it be legal to crush grapes in your hand? You're increasing the value. You're turning it into wine. That's wine. You're right. Well, I got a more abstract one for you. Since money can be exchanged for goods and services, is it disrespectful? How do you crush like a massage? I was just about to say crush grapes. If you're disrespectful about a massage, then that seems evil and illegal to me. Massages are the ultimate service because what you're doing is crushing someone's skin harmlessly, thereby somehow turning them into wine, increasing their values. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go pay for someone to recreationally crush me for a while, and hey, maybe I'll get a happy ending and we'll crush my penis into jizz. Isn't that awesome that that's legal? happy ending?

Speaker: What does crushing something denote and connote to you? Well, I guess it denotes smushing something down. Yeah. But with a bit of a hardness to it. Harder than a smush. Are happy endings legal?

Speaker: I guess somewhere they're not. legal to be happy at the end of the experience, but I think that... That's some 90s stand-up comedy stuff right there. Isn't it crazy we live in a society where it's not legal to be happy at the end? Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, it is crazy. Yeah. And fuck you, too. Yeah. What happened to coffee flavored coffee? Have you guys had a happy ending? No, I haven't had a massage that ended happily. I've only had a massage that ended awkwardly. Ended with a, okay, thank you. I feel sore. So they did jack you off, but you said thank you. And it wasn't a happy ending. It was just like, ah they jacked me off not to completion. And yeah honestly, the way they jacked me off was like, yeah, it's pretty tense, isn't it? yeah they They're like, you you have a real knot in here. yeah You're really tense down here. Yeah. It's blue.

Speaker: It's black and blue. It's hard as a rock. Yeah. I haven't had one, but I do feel like happy endings, you know, just go back to the cat thing. I feel like they're illegal if there's a kitty cat in the room watching. Yeah, true.

Speaker: But otherwise, it's just a secret between two people. Two consenting adults. Yeah. but How do you know if a happy ending is consensual? i mean Sometimes when a cat is watching something, though, it feels like they're kind of the mastermind of the scenario. They chose it. You can imagine that, right?

Speaker: Amor fati. What's that? Love of faith. h There's something about their cat like eyes that makes them wise and wicked. There's something that's so special. Yes. And how do you even know if it's consensual when you're getting a massage?

Speaker: Is this just me paying someone to rub me? Basically, this person doesn't like me at all. They're not rubbing me out of love. If someone touches me, I assume they love me. Yeah, if someone brushes me. Yeah. On the street. Cats massage. You ever get one of those? Oh, biscuits.

Speaker: Biscuits, yeah. Yeah, but is that consensual? They don't ask. Nothing Non-consensual biscuit making among cats. Y'all, we need to talk about cat non-consensual biscuit making. Cats do kind of transcend the the ethical boundaries. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, I mean, when you get a cat, they basically say, I'm now part of your life, and I will do to you what I will. Yeah, I'm going to knock over your stuff in a funny way, and I'm going to emit some kind of weird pollen that turns you into a more supplicant master. My theory is that they get away with it because they're exceptionally fluffy and adorable. and i think What about ugly sphinxes, though? Oh, yeah. why are they getting Why are we letting them do this shit? I don't know. should lock them all up.

Speaker: Really? Wait a minute. You're not fluffy or beautiful. Yeah, get the hell out of here I think they're kind of more like a job ancient beings or something. They remind you of something. Apples. I think sphinxes are kind of like gargoyle-y.

Speaker: Yeah, I think that's why we like them. Yeah. Why do Egyptians the cryto use cats? um Why do they like cats so much? I think they were just fascinated and they were probably just around. think you have to just be fascinated by anything that's around.

Speaker: Right. Yeah. This just reminded me of a theory that me and Alex Nichols had is that cats are named after Cleopatra. It was shortened. So for thousands of years in Egypt, they didn't have a name for these things that they had for thousands of years. And then they were finally like Cleopatra. We like her. Yeah. why don't we just call him cats? Yeah. Cleopatra. Short for Cleopatra. Yeah. wow Cats.

Speaker: You can imagine over millions and millions of years of saying Cleopatra. Well, what do you any final closing thoughts on my idea that it should be legal to destroy money? We should burn money right now on the podcast and show that on video.

Speaker: No. You serious? yeah Then you could do a right winger kind of thing of the most illegal podcast they don't want you to know about. The Money Killer podcast. They don't want you to know about this podcast. Every episode we burn a dollar. Because then we're all going to start burning our money if we so if it spreads from here.

Speaker: And then the man in the government is going to have a problem because all his money got burnt There should be like an only... We could be like the first kind of OnlyFans fetish. We should be the first OnlyFans. Yeah. It's like a fetish network where it's like every time our listener sends us money, we burn it on camera. It's like Fendom, but we're dominating the money. This money isn't for us. Yeah. yeah And it's like that you could technically burn your own money, but you don't want to get in trouble, do you? Yeah, we'll do it. yeah We don't give a fuck.

Speaker: who cares just money it's honestly with just little sheets of paper don't forget about coins and little coins too coins are way glistening and it makes me covet them more when they glisten you covet them huh yeah i covet things that glisten absolutely it's a bit silly that 100 is a green paper bill and not a big coin It should be a coin the size of car. should a huge doubloon. But I do think that $500 should be a crispy bill.

Speaker: If it's crispy, sure. Yeah. I mean, not everything needs to be big coin. You mean like it's breaded? Sorry? It's like fried? It's breaded. Yeah. I mean, should you be able to... What's worse, federally speaking? Because I guess if you swallow a dollar and swallow the fecal dollar over and over again enough times, I think it will eventually become digested nothing. But I bet you could. I bet swallowing a coin doesn't count as destroying it or even attempting to destroy it because it will come out eventually. you said if you eat poop, no one wants that dollar.

Speaker: I'm just saying the digestive system probably can break down a dollar over multiple passes through the digestive system. I'm not sure. you Do you need multiple passes? I think you probably would. I think this is what you tell yourself. A dollar would survive the first trip through, I think.

Speaker: We should try it. A coin you would just polish over a couple of years, I think. It would get flatter and flatter and flatter, but it would always be a coin. Well, that was kind of my question is, I mean, it's illegal to burn money. It's illegal to destroy money.

Speaker: But I save, you know, I'm pretty frugal. I save my money. oh how is that for you? Well, I'm concerned that it's kind of functionally the same thing. If you save $100 and never spend it never put back in circulation the course your life. You're like running an sanctuary for money where you're just letting it roam free and and kind of live amongst itself. Or you're thinking more of it like if a dragon sits on a pile of treasure, hasn't he effectively destroyed it? yeah Because it's illegal to destroy money because you're taking it out of circulation. money is right It should be illegal to have money under your mattress. It should always be yeah circulating, flying through the air, going different pockets. and At least when it's under the mattress, it still exists. It's like you're allowed to do whatever you want with your money as long as it's technically under your mattress. It's still doing something. It's collateral. potential so money Having money in a bank account is diabolical. yeah yeah Can I say this? There should be a maximum amount of money.

Speaker: And that amount should be rather low. Yeah, there should be a basically in America, there's 350 million people or something, right? So there should be like, on the safe side, $2,000 in America. I think what you're describing is Bitcoin.

Speaker: finite amount something that we all divide up. Not only is it illegal to destroy it, it's just impossible to destroy it. It just always goes missing. I mean, the thing about Bitcoin that's so awesome is that so much of it is completely gone and inaccessible forever, right? Like people just forgot their passwords. hard drive somewhere, yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye, wealth.

Speaker: I have a question for you guys. Let's hear it. You want to know what it is? Mm-hmm. Okay. If all of the world's lovers suddenly fell out of love, what would happen to all the locks of human hair they possess? I imagine they'd be thrown wistfully into the river just kind of move on. And then our rivers would get clogged with human hair and the sewage system, the drainage systems we have would be a mess, I think. And the world would flood because then it would rain and they'd be just jammed up with people's hair. And we're going to have another biblical flood due to all the lovers abandoning their locks. Yeah. would just staple the the lover's old locks onto the new lover. The new bald lover. If you go through a few iterations of this, you kind of have a mo like they'll kind of have like a a was it like a strand, an extension made of all your lover's hair, and you would just say, you're my new lover, and pin it to them.

Speaker: I think that's creepy. What? I think it's creeping me out. No, it's cool. It's my new world. i like this. So every love you have... It's sort of an additive process. right Every love you have is greater than the last. And they just become the love.

Speaker: You are now the love. you don't even They don't even have a name anymore. Do you think there would be a new slang term for being ran through then of like, oh, you have 20 different people's hair. You're haired on. They got a full wig. Yeah.

Speaker: You were saying that like it would be like a sewer failure malfunction, fatberg type situation. Yes, because everyone would be throwing those locks into the river dramatically. Yeah. And it would fuck up all the sewage systems around the entire earth. And it would be so, the flooding would be so biblical that it would be like Bible times. if Flooding would be so biblical, dot, dot, dot. It might even remind you of the Bible. Yeah. so biblical, God would be real. yeah When biblical things happen, you just have to pause and be like, you know, something something's going on here. It's just such an epic day today. i think there's a deity. yeah yeah Is that what happens in the Bible? There's a bunch of hair on the ground? Yeah, that's what caused the the flooding.

Speaker: What did cause the flood? Nothing, right? God? I God just said, I'm going fuck everyone up. Okay. Yeah, it was like an escape room. He was like, all right, see if you can't figure this one out. And I'm testing the IQ of all of my subjects. And then Derek said, we should do something about this. We got to get out of here, man.

Speaker: ah Okay, so can you re-ask the question? like You guys don't like this question, I can tell. No, I think we've thought very pensively. If all of the world's lovers suddenly fell out of love, what would happen to all the locks of human hair? just in Okay, so it's not about like um people giving locks as like a sweet nothing gift. It's simply about if everyone fell out of love. Is that what it If all the lovers fell out of love, what would happen to all the locks of human hair they possess? I guess the thing that you have to...

Speaker: presuppose for this question yeah is kind of a very interesting world. Do you think, um and I'm not trying to not answer your question, but do you think there's any specific event that could happen that would make everyone in the world fall out of love with each other? Would it have to be a cosmic ray? Would it have to be science fiction? Or could is there something that could really happen that would make us all go, i don't love anymore? I guess like everyone's everyone's search history simultaneously getting leaked. I don't love that. But maybe there would there would be like a sort of, um I don't know, a Twilight Zone-y or Watchmen-y twist to that where it's like if everyone's search history gets resolved ah released. Then we all accept each other. We all love each other. Yeah, exactly. We all love each other yeah all the more. Okay, how about this? What if a perfect being is sent down from the heavens who everyone wants to fuck more than everyone who has ever existed? So all of our object of affection becomes this one perfect being that has arrived and none of us like each other anymore. Reverse Watchmen. like Instead of ganging up on something, we all want to fuck one thing. We all become the sister wives of the perfect being. Megan Fox. Megan Fox.

Speaker: Megan Fox came to earth. What would happen? kelly you So lucky man. make Shia LaBeouf was so lucky. Michael Bay was so lucky. If Megan Fox was in a blockbuster movie and her tummy was shown briefly as she's repairing a car and bouncing up and down and all the men in the world fell in love with her at the same time.

Speaker: i mean, yeah. What would happen to the here i well an hair? What would you do if you were Michael Bay and you were having sex with Megan Fox? What would I do? What would you do if you were having sex with Megan Fox, you're Michael Bay and she's Megan Fox and you're having sex with Did they make eye contact on set and they had chemistry like that? They looked, they just knew on set.

Speaker: How did they get to together like that? I think he probably coerced her during an audition. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my understanding. Oh, man. i thought it was going to be consensual. I think it was as much as anything else is. You meant to say seduced.

Speaker: He seduced her during an audition for the job. Seduced and coerced is a pretty yeah this is distinction. Well, all seduction is coercion. if you're if you're charming If you're charming someone and they like you and they think you have a great personality and you're kind and you...

Speaker: ah are wonderful, you are coercing someone with your positive qualities. And that's low-key problematic. So the perfect being that came to Earth would actually not be... i mean, they wouldn't be morally... Repellent. Yeah.

Speaker: To provide people freedom. Someone is only loving you freely if you are infinitely repellent. And then they are making a choice to love you. What if the ultimate imperfect being came to Earth? I guess nothing would happen. they would finally give humans freedom. Sometimes sometimes I feel like the ultimate imperfect being. Really?

Speaker: Sometimes you think what? That you're a perfect being? I feel like an ultimate imperfect being. Really? Just because of your imperfection that the happens? Yeah, my numerous imperfections. what's wrong You don't have one big one? That's what I do.

Speaker: I just feel like I'm just not perfect. Don't you guys agree? yeah I don't know. yeah you think I'm perfect, Derek? I'm not sure if I can make that call. I think that's what makes you so you.

Speaker: It's like, yeah, sure, you're not perfect, but I think that we accept you all the more because of all of your beautiful imperfections. Oh my God, you guys, this is wonderful. like I feel so accepted. Whenever I see you fuck up in a big way, I sort of think, but that might be perfect for Charles. Sure. Sure, there are mistakes on the Mona Lisa.

Speaker: The smile doesn't look good. It's not... She's ugly. it's It's a painting, not a movie. She's always looking at you. Her gaze is always following you. like That was definitely a rendering error. That's problematic. yeah The background kind of changes behind her head, but we love all these little imperfections. It's perfectly imperfect. yes true Sure, Marilyn Monroe has a disgusting tumor on her face, but...

Speaker: It adds something. It's like a spice. And sure, spice is gross and disgusting, yeah but it makes food taste spicier. Marilyn Monroe was a bit pitchy when she sang happy birthday, but we respect that she did it. right She took a big swing. Yeah, she didn't she didn't blow every president, but the one she did was really good. it would be perfect if she could blow every president from here to the end of time, but it's just not possible to be perfect in that way. Yeah.

Speaker: And what else is imperfect but still really good? Nothing. We listed it all. We're done. We're done with that. Imperfect but good. I guess ah ah a wound, right? A decapitation. A decapitation.

Speaker: When you say wound, do you mean gash? ah Yeah, I guess a gash. Yeah. So are you saying yeah something that would be more perfect than a wound would it just be exploding a corpse? So there's nothing left. That would be more perfect okay with a nuclear bomb. In terms of the integrity of the corpse, that's a more perfect. Did anyone else think that nuclear bombs, like when they were a kid, did they think it was sort of like an antimatter bomb that literally wiped out everything and made it perfect dust? Because that yeah that is what I thought. That's what i thought. And then why I found it mostly just causes a big fire and radiation. It's a bomb.

Speaker: It's more of a bomb that's powered by a very sophisticated fuel. But at the end of the day, it's still a bomb. That's what I love about nuclear bombs is just like it's truly using ah like sun science to make, well, a bomb. not a special bomb. It is a it's an expensive bomb. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: It's like, uh, it's just hot. Yeah. It's just, you know, they always say, it's just like, it's a bomb with the power of a million TNTs. And it's like, well, at the end of the day, that's just just a million. If we made like an iron maiden that harnesses the power of nuclear fission, You just put someone in the Iron Man and then it's just the same shit. A nuclear chastity belt still just prevents you from fucking. It hurts your penis and vagina greatly. But it's, yeah, it doesn't create it doesn't create dust. it that surely does creates dust in a small little spot. I think it turns dust into smaller dust and rocks into smaller I thought maybe it it almost like sucked everything up into a singularity and then blinked out existence. thought it was like an Akira type bomb. Yes, that's what I thought. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker: I think a lot of people thought that. A lot of people were misled by anime. Dragon Ball Z and Akira gave people some funny ideas. Yeah. I thought it was like a spirit bomb. Energy and explosions. Well, I mean, think that with enough force, there probably have been thermonuclear detonations in the ocean that if they were to be detonated on land would vaporize.

Speaker: I mean, pyroclastic shockwaves can turn many things into dust. I think meteors or asteroids can definitely turn shit into dust and vaporize shit instantly. so and You always vaporize a little bit. Even a tiny firecracker will vaporize ah a little. yeah right but you just yeah In the 90s, I was obsessed with meteors blowing up the earth. I remember thinking, there's really no point in me learning that much and growing up and getting a job because pretty soon ah the meteor will come and then I'll have to live in the fallout of the...

Speaker: Yeah. The great flood or whatever. It's a real possibility. Yeah. One of my true beliefs is that the earth is a cradle for consciousness and it probably is the entire point of a extremely vast universe, which in my opinion is lifeless other than this one planet. And all of this lifelessness is simply just like the negative space around the ah nucleus of an atom. Like, The nucleus is where the important action happens. And then even within the atoms themselves or the protons themselves within an atom, there's all these negative space and it's just like ah quarks and whatever. like So the entire universe is like an extreme amount of waste just for this one little cradle of consciousness on Earth. The cosmos is one body and everything outside of the Earth is like fingernails or bones, like things that can't...

Speaker: It's just the dead meat of the body. Just aura. Not even part of the body, but simply the aura. disagree with you guys. No, no, no. I mean, it's fair to disagree. don't even know if it's worth saying that this is my deeply held opinion. But as soon as I remember the fact that an asteroid killed the dinosaurs, everything is immediately nerfed by that. Why is it possible that an asteroid hit Earth? Fuck everything up.

Speaker: yeah's fucking crazy. It's from outer space. It's not malevolent. It's just random. If there was ever a purpose to the world, ah it was the dinosaurs and the meteor was, it's over. The hard reset. We're the fallout of the dinosaurs. This is just the end, like the post-credits scene. The commentary. you Yeah.

Speaker: We're excavating. We're like, this is commentary. Yeah. yeah This is a commentary. disaster on On the dinosaurs existence. Yeah. That's very funny. This is the this is the blooper reel from the dinosaurs. We're in the end credits right now. just like But let's imagine a different version of reality. After you watched millions of years of dinosaurs, the credits roll, and us four pop up in the corner next to the credits. Like, hey here we are. yeah What did you think of the Sturgosaurus? Yeah. but All we're doing is and is like a sort of Timon and Pumbaa riff on the on the story of the dinosaurs.

Speaker: This is Dinosaurs 1 1⁄2, a straight-to-DVD movie that we're still trapped in to this day. Dinos. Dinosaurs. They actually are related to... There have been all these things coming out recently. They're birds they're related to birds. yeah yeah Yeah. Or they're similar to, ah guess, winged creatures, right? Or some of them are.

Speaker: Were. They passed away. Yeah. Yeah. Um, Derek, do you have a question? Cause I can go if not. Yeah, I can go too, Alright you guys, settle down. I've got something to say. Say it.

Speaker: Um, I believe that in my culture, Christian, it should be considered an honor to be crucified. Oh, that's true. It's the quickest path to being Christ-like.

Speaker: I've talked about this a lot, but I was getting really obsessed with their real-life crucifixions for a little bit and um you know and probably shouldn't repeat it for the third or fourth time. But I will say that it's somewhat common in schizophrenic ah Christian circles to crucify he yourself. Schizophrenic. Schizophrenic. It's relatively common in those schizophrenic Christian circles? Yeah. Really?

Speaker: I mean, self-crucifixion is like its own sort of phenomenon. Well, they do it they do it to to honor Jesus or whatever. do to honor Jesus. But that's not really what I mean. What I'm saying is like, if a guy gets a promotion at his job, we should crucify him. You think it was an honor when Jesus got crucified? do You think he was up there just like, you know, i mean kind of I'm mad, but...

Speaker: I'm the life of the party. I do kind of think the Romans gave him like the dopest insignia since Nike, you know? Yeah. wasn't being crucified for the Romans kind of like giving a traffic ticket or something? It was just kind of like what they do you cause a little trouble. But you wouldn't join a religion whose insignia was a traffic ticket, but like the cross is so dope it makes you want to become Christian. Like they did such a big favor for Christians by giving them the dopest logo. The cross is so dope and it is like the Nike swoosh. Yeah. But also the crucifix itself, like putting Jesus in that pose in these, uh, in these objects and commodities. That's like jump man. That's like air Jordan. That's like bow. He's hitting his pose.

Speaker: If Jesus came back, do you think no one would buy it unless he hit that, unless he hit that emote? I think so. If Jesus came back, he'd be just like, prove it. And then he just, Michael Jackson, this is it. Throw his arms out.

Speaker: Yeah. Jesus is on TikTok hitting the pose for like eight likes. The algorithm's not really fucking with him. It's not we had a messiah now, if someone emerged kind of like Jesus who got the death penalty in America, you think we'd have a new religion where the symbol is yeah intravenous? Again, that's just not as iconic to me. Really? Yeah. There's no suffering associated it. thought you were going to say how would we kill him? How would I kill Jesus? Yeah, how would we get him?

Speaker: What would we do to I always say that if Jesus came back, we'd do it to baby Jesus. I'd probably hit baby Jesus with my car, i think. Yeah. don't want to get too hands-on with a baby. I'll just hit him with the car. Yeah. we'd I mean, we'd carefully lay his ah little ah top mandible on a curb and then run him over with an e-bike.

Speaker: Yeah. Honestly, I would just ignore him. Really? The way i ignore any... Oh, you'd let starve to death? Yeah, the way i ignore any sort of like vagrant. Baby Jesus? I guess he wasn't a vagrant then, huh? I would ignore baby Jesus until he starved to death. I think a baby can be a vagrant.

Speaker: I guess so. He was born in a dirty, stinky-ass manger. he still had Even a broken home, he still had like a bit of a... I don't think a manger is a home. Do you think a starving baby ah a starving baby a pig suffers as much as a crucified adult?

Speaker: Or do you think it's like it's kind of inert because they don't have language and they're kind of like freshly unconscious? Yeah, I don't think you can say that a starving baby is suffering. No, right? It's simply needing. It's just unlucky. It needs something to keep living, but that's it.

Speaker: It doesn't have that. I disagree. A baby's life is 100% suffering. I think all life is suffering, but as you get older, you kind of trick yourself into thinking these sensations are pleasurable. Well, that's what I'm saying. If you're saying that a baby's life is 100% suffering, then how is a starving baby any different from a fed A regular one, yeah.

Speaker: You're right. Yeah, so it's not it's undifferentiated suffering. So a starving baby is having the exact same time as a baby who you're doing coochie coochie coo and is laughing and smiling. Yeah, shaking a baby is the same as coochie coochie coo.

Speaker: I think you're right that the only pleasure our self-trick. But I think if a baby, if there's a consciousness that hasn't learned to self-trick, then what it experiences meaningless. If it can't lie to itself, it doesn't really matter what's Are saying baby is a Baby Jesus does not matter. Baby Jesus is truly just a crying baby. Well, here's the here's the problem. Yeah, the Romans fucked up by crucifying Jesus at his peak of popularity. They could have either killed the baby or they could wait till he's 80 and he's washed and everyone's bored of his bullshit, right? Yeah, the wise men, when they were visiting this virgin birthed baby, they should have started spreading. They probably did spread a rumor. I bet that's why they crucified Jesus is because word got to the Romans that that kid was a virgin birth. It wasn't because of the miracles. It wasn't because it was just like, oh, that's that weirdo. Or maybe it's slug. This baby has so much gold and so much myrrh. What's up with this baby?

Speaker: Yeah, we don't know where he's keeping it on his person, but killing him will just make it easier to find the mer- they mer-sniffing dogs. Back then, yeah. Yeah, that was the only thing you could train dogs to do was sniff for precious metals. Yeah.

Speaker: Bomb-sniffing dogs were unemployed back then, really. Is it really a virgin birth, or is that is it saying virgin because it's not a human? that like mary Did Mary have... Like, was that sex? had sex with something that wasn't human. Yeah. God. Right.

Speaker: God committed bestiality when he's.

Speaker: I mean, even if they didn't like fuck, even if he just like opened her up and put the baby in, that's even yeah more. It's so clinical. It's so clinical. cracked that open.

Speaker: crack that up Definitely there was like another God who was looking at it. I'm just gonna yeah put this divine sperm in this person in this beast. Well, yeah, I'll get off, but that's how I have to to get it out. Well, that's why they say, i mean, look at a magazine or something.

Speaker: God looked at a magazine of other female gods while he was fucking married. Athena. Aphrodite. She's so hot.

Speaker: Cupid. Wait, Cupid's a little chubby guy, isn't he? Yeah, but God doesn't care. yeah You think God is... God's like, oh, Cupid's too young. You think God... You think our God was looking at Greek gods? Yeah. That's what he's into? Yeah. That's his category. That's is what he searches on Pornhub. Greek. Greek deities. It's like vintage porn for him. Yeah. Yeah. yeah It's a little little bit aged...

Speaker: yeah Well, this is the thing is i think the reason that honestly, the I think the Christian ah tradition anticipated the bestiality accusations. And that's why they said that Mary was an immaculate conception. They said that she was conceived perfectly and therefore not some goat, some beast that God ah fucked unethically. It was like he had to fuck her. She was perfect. She was perfect. He committed bestiality perfectly. yeah Most people do a poor job of it. Well, this is a good question. Does it count as bestiality if you fuck a unicorn? Or is that just like, you gotta do it. I mean, that's that's a hall pass.

Speaker: I think, ah yeah, it counts, right? Yeah, which animal would be you guys' hall pass? Sasquatch. The The Kraken good. What's the animal you've come closest to actually having I feel like I made a connection with a Loch Ness monster once. No, come on. Real, real answer. There's got to be something. Don't make him answer first. He's our guest. Why? You're our Make me feel comfortable by saying which animal you almost fucked. ah Probably. I mean, closest. Yeah.

Speaker: I guess probably dog. Mm hmm. The head has been like like right there, many like resting right there. That's like, I mean, just think of if if a girl yeah if a girl were in the place of this animal, would you feel like nervous and kind of stressed out or excited or whatever? Yeah, yeah and I would say dog.

Speaker: Slow dancing with a dog, like a chihuahua on its quinceanera as a joke. yeah you know's I've had like a dog inside of my shirt, like a small chihuahua.

Speaker: Is that something you do with women too? You bring them inside your shirt that's intimate? I don't know. You should try it. don't know what I do with women. Get some big dogs, like five XLTs and get a girl like, will you wear this shirt with me? And let's see what happens. Let's wear shirts together. Yeah. That's a beautiful act. Here, I have one more thing to say. Ask.

Speaker: What was likely invented first, the towel or the blanket? Do you think people needed to, quote, get dry more urgently in our ancient past or needed to, quote, get warm?

Speaker: Is it possible that different civilizations had different developments with respect to blankets and towels? Blankets were invented first. Yeah, warmth is more important than dryness, I think. Dryness didn't matter back then, I guess. well yeah you know You're out there in the hot sun all the time toiling. People used to toil. They liked to toil back in the day. and I think that when you're toiling, the sun kind of takes care of any dampness, except for sweat, of course.

Speaker: Well, I guess it does make you damp. What if you're in a wet area? There were people in wet areas back in the day Sea people. Atlantis, for example. I guess originally, when you crawl out of the ocean, the first thing you probably want to do is dry off. and we returned from ah we We were fish.

Speaker: We were fish back in the We crawled out of the ocean, and then we probably had to find a towel. Yeah. But I guess my question would be The first quest! Is it possible there was... So a towel wouldn't make sense underwater, but maybe there was sort of an underwater equivalent of a blanket.

Speaker: Is there any dry place in the ocean? It's all bubbles. bubbles inside bubbles Inside of bubbles. yeah Do you think there was a whole species that lived in bubbles exclusively? Because they like to dry. yeah Atlantis. The bubble blanket. You talked about towels for the ocean. Are those towels that undry you?

Speaker: you get out of the bubble. And you start to wetten yourself? You start to wetten yourself. Well, a wet towel is something we have to consider. A wet towel does wetten you, huh? Okay, so I'm saying like, okay, was a towel invented first, but do you think that it was more, ah do you think it was more pressing to have a wet towel or a blanket in a place where it's very warm? Like I imagine even in a warm place, ah blanket might need to be invented for whatever reason, but maybe a wet towel is more useful than a warm blanket when you're in like, let's say the equator.

Speaker: Especially if you forget to drink water. You want a wet ble a wet towel. Yeah. to To hydrate. I think that maybe the ancient Egyptians didn't remind themselves to drink water often enough as we often do in our Jamni sons of the world who remind us to drink water. i don't know if the Pharaohs were reminding everyone quite frequently enough to drink water and hydrate.

Speaker: No, they just ah back then in ancient Egypt, they were just like, hey, we live in the desert. If you need to be reminded to drink water, that's on you. And we don't need you here. Honestly, we're culling. Well, like the first um the first clothes was just a guy's skin that dried into to leather. Just dried into his shirt and pants. but So like that would be the same for blankets, right? You just found a guy's skin and you kind of put it on. oh you put that Put this on.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Human beings before they even discovered fire or rocks, they were just banging human beings together. You know, they were in order to get fire or get warm. They were just rubbing humans together. Yeah. They just lived in a world of humans. That's what people started rubbing originally.

Speaker: Yeah, they rubbed rocks together because they were simulating the... They were like, hey, you guys want to see something? A caveman banging rocks together? Hey, the two rocks are fucking. Yeah, yeah this is this is what we do with each other. but but it probably was it. That probably was it. Before you knew it, that created a spark, which created a fire, which created... Team Engine. Which created podcasting.

Speaker: oh And then technology just keeps progressing and progressing from there. Faster and faster. Actually, this is an old argument I've made on E1 years ago that's very annoying, but I think that technology always moves forward, and for that reason, I believe that the buffalo wing is a more advanced technology than the nuclear bomb, because it was invented more recently. You're right. It wouldn't be possible without the idea atoms. Buffalo wing, the tech tree. The heat.

Speaker: That comes off of a bomb. It's like the heat from the buffalo sauce. Yeah. um A buffalo wing is just chicken with buffalo sauce. Yes. And that is a more advanced technology than a nuclear bomb. Okay. Do you think the ranch dressing or blue cheese dressing also has, because you're saying the heat of the nuclear bomb is what inspired the spiciness and of the chicken wing.

Speaker: Do you think that the atom bomb also has something to do with the ranch and blue cheese? What is the equivalent of blue cheese for a nuclear bomb? That's a great question. yeah What calms down the heat of a nuclear bomb in the same way that blue cheese or ranch does? So in a game of rock, paper, scissors, what beats nuclear bomb, basically? No, no, no, just what cools it? Ranch and blue cheese were probably coming out of, like, sunscreen lotion or something that you would apply after. Wow, that's a really good point. Yeah, if you get nude you have to put on sunscreen quick. Real quick, yeah.

Speaker: Or if the if the nuclear sirens go off, you should just douse yourself in sunscreen. You'll be immune. Dip yourself. Yeah, just jump into ice cream. We should have vats of sunscreen on the streets in case a nuclear bomb is coming.

Speaker: That would work. I think so. It would help with a lot of the symptoms, right? Yeah. thelia a little bit. like yeah yeah Jumping into ice the nuc so stupid i jump into ice cream. It hasn't been tried, I don't think. no I don't know, but I don't think it has. it would You would boil.

Speaker: No, I think the irradiating green light would sort of just bounce harmlessly off of the surface of the ice cream. believe too. Wouldn't you turn into like caramel? What happened? Yes, you would boil in caramel. You're creating a delicious treat for whoever so survives the nuclear blast. There's a caramelized human in ice cream. There is like meat with caramel on it, right?

Speaker: Isn't that a thing? um There's maybe, yeah. Pork caramel sounds good. Pork caramel, that's what we would be. If we're pigs. if we're Well, no, humans supposedly taste like pigs, right? call it long pig. They paste like pigs. this i They paste like pigs. Human paste tastes like pig paste.

Speaker: All right. I think that that's a wrap on this episode. Thank you for coming on, Charles. of course. I feel like I learned a lot. Yeah. Well, that's what it's for. um how many IQ points did you guys gain today? Nine or so.

Speaker: I don't believe in iq honestly. and I have a bone to pick with these tests. We are both now nominally plugging chunks.

Speaker: And that's all you'll get from us for our plug. Bye-bye. Check it out. Bye. Check it out.