Transcript
Speaker: Okay, so you know we talk about dating as a numbers game and the more options you have, the better because it's it's easier to find somebody if you have so many more options. The problem is the better your dating skills, the smaller pool you need. So yeah the pool size requirement is inversely related to the quality of your dating skills.
Speaker: If you are a horrible dater, you need a lot more chances and opportunities because you sabotage a lot of them. If you're a great dater, you don't need as many opportunities to find your husband, your wife, whatever, right?
Speaker: And so, and and here's the thing about that. When we are looking at traits and qualities, especially these physical traits, every single physical trait on our list, we are reducing the size of the pool.
Speaker: And the issue is, if we have too many qualities, that have nothing to do with relationship satisfaction, that reduce the pool. And then we start looking for the qualities that do. almost There's almost nobody there with them, right? And so here's the example.
Speaker: Only 15% men tall or are six foot tall or taller No, I know it's a little per percent, but what I got. No, no, no. We're not done. We're not done. Okay.
Speaker: I want to say something though, Amari. Guess what? All of that 15%, they are the ones who want to date me. So i'm just there yeah I just want to throw that out there. Even though like height is not a requirement for me because I am five, four. That's obviously not the only reason I think it's a factor because I'm five, four. I am a magnet for tall men.
Speaker: So like height, like they tend to be tall. I know, i know the numbers are small, but they tend to all want a piece of me. Anyways, go on. Come on, height magnet. But yeah, so that's just the first thing, right? You want somebody six foot? Okay, only 15% of me.
Speaker: Now you also want him to make six figures. only 20% of people make six figures or more. So ah out of that 15%, only 20% of those six fifth foot tall men make six feet. That's not good.
Speaker: No, because now we're only 3% of men who are is six foot tall and make six figures or more. Oh, my. And, uh-huh, exactly. You see where we're going with this.
Speaker: And then you also want them to have more than six inches. So let's be honest. That's what the people say, right? Oh, I don't want to hear this number, but go ahead and tell me. Go ahead and tell me, though. Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Speaker: Okay. Yes. Lay it on me. So suffice to say, it's like, ah let me let me remember what the exact number was. I think it's also like 15 to 20 percent of me, six inches or longer. Right.
Speaker: OK, so 20. Let's use the the higher number. Let's say it's 20 percent. 20 percent of 3 percent 0.6 percent. Right. Wow. Wow.
Speaker: right So we're not at we're not even at one in a hundred. Like and these are these are still none of the qualities that predict relationship satisfaction or longevity. These are just the packaging qualities.
Speaker: Okay, but listening to you, i feel like if if people toss the six foot tall requirement, that's going to vastly expand their dating pool. Yes.
Speaker: So it sounds like that could be a baseline of something that so many people should not be focused on and make a deal breaker because of the numbers that you just gave.
Speaker: Yeah, I agree. It shouldn't be a deal breaker. But even higher of a priority is having better dating skills. Because with better dating skills, you realize the first problem is not height. The first problem is emotional availability, emotional generosity.
Speaker: It is right. Our capacity, like all those things first. So if I first look at a pool that has these things and then I'm like, height is a bonus, right?
Speaker: All those other things are a bonus. And and here's the other fun part. If you get the qualities that make a relationship work, you also get the qualities that make a business partnership work. So maybe he doesn't make six figures today or maybe he does. But even if he doesn't, like those are the qualities that are going to be easy to build with him.
Speaker: Because the thing about Okay, coming back to our love bombing. Narcissists are more likely to love bomb, right? Yeah. Narcissists are also more likely to make more money than other people for a very specific reason.
Speaker: Narcissism is the degree to which we put ourselves above others, our own needs above everybody else's. So what I want is what matters. And so narcissists will argue, will fight, will do everything that they can and get more money.
Speaker: And so they tend to advocate for themselves a lot better. And that's why narcissists are overrepresented in people who make higher incomes. Yes. but Okay, you want six foot and and six figs or more.
Speaker: But the fact that you're listing these qualities first are saying you want a partner who's a narcissist. That is because these are the qualities that matter most. And the qualities that to you, and and these are the qualities that matter or that are most important.
Speaker: sharpened and prioritized by narcissists. Those are the things that they're going to try to fix first. Their looks, their finances, their dig size, like all those things. They are physically oriented. So they always care more about their own packaging than they do about what's inside of them.
Speaker: And so by you going for the packaging first, you're literally saying, I'm looking for a narcissist. Where are they? How do I find them? Great news. They're overrepresented in the dating apps. And you're already swiping on narcissists more than everybody else because their pictures are perfect.
Speaker: They were in the right suit. They're already, right? Like they already got those physical qualities you want. So, yeah. Oh, God. that's Your whist is a narcissist. That's really, really important for people to know or sorry for people to hear. it is that is very, very, very important. And I do know that they thrive in business.
Speaker: And I also know that taller men tend to have hold higher positions as well. ah But it's all interconnected. it It makes a lot, a lot of sense, like 100%.
Speaker: ah and up That's really resonating with me for reasons I will keep off of this conversation. And then I think you said that you had another similarity in mind when it came to straight women and gay men. Or maybe you covered it.
Speaker: I think there was one more. oh but before I forget, the last thing I want to say about narcissists, narcissists are not born, they're made. Mm-hmm. And our culture does a really great job of turning men into narcissists because as little boys, we teach men to ignore their emotions.
Speaker: Yes. We teach them that emotions are scary, that the only thing they can feel is anger. Men can be angry and nothing else. And so once little boys turn 18, become adults, they don't automatically learn those emotional regulation skills.
Speaker: And so if they don't intentionally seek out training to learn those skills, they don't have them. And if you, as a straight woman or a gay man, doesn't matter, if you are looking for a man and you have an issue with a man being in touch with his emotions, you're literally saying, I would prefer a narcissist.
Speaker: True. So yeah, I'll just leave that there. The third thing, so we were answering the three questions. Are you ready for the pool? Do you know how to get to a quality pool? Okay. And then the third is, do you know how to s swim? And so this goes back to those skills.
Speaker: And what tends to happen is a lot of times gay men and straight women are looking for a partner to save them. They're looking for a lifeguard rather than learning how to swim themselves.
Speaker: Same. yes And so, yeah, if you're always looking for somebody to save you and take care of you, again, you're looking for a narcissist. But then you get mad when if life starts getting stressful, he the first thing that he gets rid of is you.
Speaker: And you're like, well, why would he do that? We in a relationship. No, no. You were an additional possession in his collection, but now he can't afford you. Oh, God, this is too much. I feel like your clients probably be pushing back. They don't like these cold hard troops.
Speaker: You just come in or hit after hit after hit. Oh my goodness. It's a lot. It's a lot. You know, so you did mention wanting to be a therapist and that was incredible, by the way, and that breakdown. You mentioned wanting to be a therapist, but not necessarily wanting to be speaking to someone 20 decades.
Speaker: what yeah Okay. So, so ah Can you walk me through your process a little bit? If I came to you as a client, as a gay man, where would we begin? Like, basically what I'm trying to get at is how long do you usually work with your clients?
Speaker: I know that it varies, but is there an average time frame? you Again, you've had a lot of success. So, yeah, and you don't want to work with somebody forever. So your process, like, what is there an average amount of time?
Speaker: Yeah. So I'll tell you the average I'll tell you how we figure out how much time a client needs. So on average, clients who work with me for at least six months, 80% of them get into a relationship within the next six months to a year.
Speaker: And all of those clients are still in relationships to this day. So I haven't had any long-term relationship breakups. Okay. Yeah. So when the person that we would do, if someone comes to me and wants to work with me, we do a romantic consultation where we deep dive into their relationship goals, their dating strengths and challenges. And we look specifically at their dating skill levels.
Speaker: Because again, the number one reason anybody is single is because of those dating skills. And so we assess where their dating skill gaps exist. And then the time we spend together is just based on what gaps we have to close and how big of a gap they are, right?
Speaker: And so that is what dictates the time. So if you have never been in a relationship, it's likely going to take six months or so. But if you've been in many relationships, you get dates easily, you don't have any issues in terms of connecting with people, but you just keep shooting the wrong people, maybe that wouldn't take as long. And so for all clients, I usually start out at three months because it will also tell me how fast you progress.
Speaker: And then if we need more time, we can always add it. So I started with three months. But on average, the most successful clients, we work together for about six months And the longer end of that is like a year, but that's usually for clients who have very little dating experience or maybe they've been in a relationship before, but it's been like 12 years since they've been in a relationship. Right. So little experience or been a very long time since they've gone on a date or been in a relationship. It might take longer.
Speaker: So why did you decide to become both a matchmaker and a dating coach? Yeah. the I recognize that they solve two different problems. So what most matchmakers either won't tell you or people just don't know is that the job of a matchmaker is just to introduce you to people who fit the qualities on your list.
Speaker: Matchmakers are not generally qualified to help you develop dating skills, to stop doing the things you do to sabotage yourself, right? Matchmakers can't get you in a relationship. They can only introduce you to good people.
Speaker: That's it. It's just an introduction service. A matchmaker is a dating app in real life. That's all a matchmaker is. They get you from, I've never seen this person, to the date. But once you get on a date, everything else is you.
Speaker: And if you don't know how to date, a matchmaker is a waste of money. Okay, but so with your matchmaking, do you service, you, as a matchmaker, are there certain cities or states that you service?
Speaker: Oh, so let let me back up a little bit. I only match clients once their skills are up to ah level seven in our 12 level system. OK, so once you're at level seven, then we can talk about whether or not matchmaking makes sense. Because for people who don't have dating skills, they always think the problem is they haven't met the right person.
Speaker: Except the reality is you've met many of the right people if you've met any people. But I'm trying to say, though, do you only service certain regions? Like, you know, if you let's say if you only work with people in New York and somebody is listening in California.
Speaker: ah no i would do that I would want that lover. You only worked in. okay Yeah, I work with clients all over, but I just want to be clear to anybody listening that if you're like, ooh, I want them to be my matchmaker. i only match clients who I've coached first. Because what we found is once clients have the skills, matchmaking becomes irrelevant and unnecessary. And so my goal, my goal is to empower people. I told you, my family always called me the family therapist. Like I've always cared about people's well-being and ability to be happy and accomplish the goals that they want.
Speaker: So my goal is not to sell the thing that costs the most money, which Matchmaking does. My goal is to change the quality of love and relationships for everybody I encounter, right? Like that is a completely different goal.
Speaker: And so I i don't even discuss matchmaking with people until they have the skills to be ready for matchmaking. But once they get there, and in every single one of my clients cases, they all have applied the strategies and the techniques that they've learned through the dating coaching process and found their person that way. I haven't even had to match them is what I'm saying.
Speaker: And so the reality is I teach people how to be their own matchmaker, which also teaches you how, because if you hire a matchmaker and it doesn't work out, you you spent the money and now you have nothing.
Speaker: Working with a coach, you have the skills to match yourself for the rest of your life. That makes a lot of sense because there is there are a lot of people who believe that matchmaking is, a lot of matchmakers are scammers.
Speaker: Yeah. And so. i mean, a lot of them are. and to They definitely are. They definitely are. i just didn't want to say it for obvious reasons, but there is a lot of belief in that. So I think, yeah, giving them the skills, basically teaching them how to fish, you know, they could really do well on their own instead of giving them the fish.
Speaker: Teach them how to fish. So why why do you say that, last question, why do you say that we're 200 to 300% more likely to find love with or without a matchmaker if we've gone through some sort of romantic coaching first? And yeah also, i just thought of this.
Speaker: Like, why is society, why is our society not talking about dating skills and how important they are? Because it really is a foreign concept to the vast majority of people. Like, why is there this disconnect where we will go to therapy and we'll work on our bodies and we'll try to improve all these aspects of our lives, but we just think we're ready to go and we will find our person without even understanding like how flawed damage that we may be and just the mistakes that we're making like do you see any improvement on that because I feel like the fact that we talk about attachment styles love bombing um ghosting just Some therapy speaks, some dialogue is now just a part of pop culture and people are aware of it, which is really nice. And people obviously overuse gaslighting. But are we moving in that direction of people seeking people, specialists out like yourself? Because we just don't talk about it as a society, as needing to work on ourselves. Yeah, I think it is definitely moving in that direction, especially
Speaker: That's like my purpose on the planet. I hope people recognize that. I think um a big reason that we haven't looked at relationships like this in the past, there are a few different reasons.
Speaker: One, Remember that marriage very recently, in the the very recent past, was a business proposition, right? um It wasn't about love.
Speaker: and For some cultures, not all of them, but in America, it wasn't about love at first. It was about property. And a man's wife was his property. Okay, remember that. Then you had the fact that women...
Speaker: couldn't really work and definitely weren't getting paid a lot of money to work. So the only way a woman could advance in life materially was by marrying a man with money, which is where that expectation to marry a man who makes more money than you comes from, right? That was also the very recent past, which is why that expectation still exists, right?
Speaker: Because in some places around the country, that reality that a woman can't get a job that pays enough to live on her own is still true. Okay. So, so then we look at the difference in larger cities that are more progressive where women have more access to be independent, to do things on their own.
Speaker: Now I don't have to be in a relationship to be safe. I don't have to be in a relationship to feed myself. Right. Which means I'm going to be in a relationship by choice. But if I want to be in a relationship by choice, I want to be with someone who sees me as an equal partner.
Speaker: And if I want someone who sees me as an equal partner, I need to know how to choose equal partners. Because the problem before was a woman was never taught how to choose because her job was to become pretty enough to get chosen by a man who had all the things.
Speaker: Yes. Right. We never taught women how to choose. And same thing with men. We were not teaching men how to choose partners. We were teaching men how to choose property.
Speaker: Totally different set of criteria. And in both cases, those criteria were physical and material first. Absolutely. Which is why those lists still look for narcissists. Absolutely.
Speaker: It's a holdover from when society was structured in that particular way. But now that we have people, both women men, gay, straight, otherwise, now that we have people who are clear that they want partnership with people who understand them, with people who love them, with people who can build together, rather than being just simply a dependent or a piece of property, that requires a different level of criteria. And people are starting to recognize that the old criteria does not find what type of person fits the new requirements.
Speaker: okay And so as more people become aware of that, they're going to be like, oh, well, how do I find somebody like this? Well, shit, people with better dating skills are only choosing people with better dating skills. I guess that means they got to get better dating skills. They will come to that realization of eventually, but that is the realization that they have to come to.
Speaker: People who have great relationship skills and want great relationships are ignoring you. They are selecting you out, which is why if you don't have good skills and you go to a matchmaker and the matchmaker sends you in a person with a great person, you're like, oh, I like them. And then that person tells the matchmaker, this is not a fit for me.
Speaker: they though They're telling the matchmaker you're not a fit because you don't have the skills to be a good relationship partner. see. And this is why stopped selling matchmaking first, because that was happening a lot.
Speaker: and People were like, yo, this person, he's cute. He got a great job, but he doesn't actually know how to be in a relationship. He doesn't know how to date. I feel like I'm not being heard. I'm not being seen.
Speaker: And that's not what I'm looking for. Well, you know what? and know You are so ethical. You are so honest. You are so true through your actions and through your business.
Speaker: You're so dedicated in what you believe in and what you want accomplish. And I think that's a big part of why you're successful, because I have only heard bad things about matchmaking. I have only heard about people spending a lot of money and the matchmaker didn't give them what they wanted.
Speaker: Or, you know, there's just so, so many stories about it not being good. And I think because they really are putting their profits first. And I think you are being ethical and you care about these people and and your clients. They're successful because of it.
Speaker: And I really commend you for your ethics and not only making or not only caring about the money you're making. You want to set people up for success.
Speaker: And I wish that more matchmakers did that because they would have better results and people would have better opinions of them, you know, because it is i find it so heartbreaking, you know, for people to spend a lot of money. And then they're not they're literally not even giving them what they asked for.
Speaker: But you know that if they are, if you teach them how to be good partners, teach them the skills, then it's going to work out when they are actually dating versus shooting in the dark and not realizing that their preferences should not be prioritized and to just teach them what to do.
Speaker: And I respect what you're doing so much. It's so needed. Like, as I said, the sorry, the gay men I've known since high school, It's just been sometimes it's hard for them to get the commitment, the ones that want It's been hard.
Speaker: And so, I mean, you are basically teaching people how to get what they want. And it's really, really needed in the gay community. It's desperately, desperately needed because the dating pool is smaller to begin with. And so that's why you really want to.
Speaker: date the right way to get want. Yeah. And that's why my goal is to improve the quality of the pool. That's what dating coaching is. It's making the pool quality better overall. Every single person who has better dating skills makes the pool that much better for everybody who's looking for a lasting, loving relationship.
Speaker: And congrats again. Congrats again. Thank you. i That is so exciting. I mean, because the the streets are treacherous out here.
Speaker: And I just anybody who's not on the streets, I think that is such a blessing and such a gift to be able to focus your time and energy an other things.
Speaker: Yeah, no I agree. And to be able to build with someone. And you guys are really just a gorgeous couple. Such a cute couple. I think he's very handsome. Thank you.
Speaker: I think he's very handsome. and so My hot honey. He is. He is. And to me, he looks tall. We're about the same height. Oh, okay. Okay. The picture where he's proposing or whatever. So he like pro proposed in front of like ah a Christmas tree?
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. and but The night before the night before Christmas. And somebody was recording or was a tripod set up? He's sneaky. He like came down the steps and I didn't know he was about to propose. Obviously, I was surprised.
Speaker: But I was looking at the Christmas tree and he like, hurry you up and puts his phone down on the TBC. And that's, yeah. Oh my God. So if he had been planning it, but yeah I had no idea.
Speaker: And did you have a destination wedding or a local wedding? No, we actually, okay, so we thought about doing a destination wedding. We're still going to do a destination celebration, but we decided to get married at home. And then instead of paying like all the money to have a wedding wedding, we bought a house and then we're going celebration at the house and then go to Cancun with anybody who wants to come and celebrate with us too.
Speaker: Oh, my God. I've never heard of anybody doing that, inviting whoever wants to come. That way there's no pressure. Yep. Pay to go abroad. Exactly. And no pressure for us because it'll be all inclusive resort. And we just bought the house and bought all the food and stuff for everybody to come and celebrate there. So it's still very similar, but more practical.
Speaker: I love it. Of course, the the coach is going to find a great way to celebrate his marriage. So congrats to you. I adore this very, very insightful conversation. It was fun.
Speaker: Are you open to date to coaching women? Yeah, already work with women. Yep. I work with women already and'm I'm very clear that as long as someone is a good fit to work with me, that I will work with them regardless of, you know, gender or sexual orientation.
Speaker: But I'm also clear that from a marketing perspective, since I happen to be the first black gay person with both of these credentials and we don't have any, we we don't have many people like me in our community that why wouldn't I be there for the people who need me the most? So, yeah.
Speaker: Absolutely. Well, thank you for this amazing, amazing chat. So where can people find you and follow you and support you? Yeah.
Speaker: As I mentioned a bit earlier, if you want to take that dating skill quiz, it's datingskillquiz.com. That'll also show you all the other things that I do. You'll see my email list and all that stuff.
Speaker: And then I'm on all the social media at Prince Amari, P-R-I-N-C-E-A-M-A-R-I, Instagram, threads, YouTube, all of it. Are you on the TikTok?
Speaker: Technically, yes. Actively, no. Yeah. I mean. it's A lot of things to manage. Yeah. Social media is, it's a full-time job. Yeah, for sure. But yeah, thank you so much, Amari. I'm sending you all the love um and light. And I'm just so impressed by your mission and your accomplishments. And I'm so, so happy for all the people that you're helping.
Speaker: Thank you. The pleasure is mine. This was so much fun.
