Transcript
Speaker: We have this safe relationship where we you regulate. You connect. And then you can have deep conversations, you can discipline, you can have correction. But if you don't have the first two, it just doesn't come. And that's where so much conflict happens. But I'm really proud of my kids. They know themselves really well. And we raise strong -minded kids, they say no a lot.
Speaker: Hello, and welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, where positive parenting meets well -being. I'm your host, Laura Olinger. teen and young adult well -being coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. I'm... Super excited to introduce you to Dr. Roseanne Kapana -Hodge, who is a therapist, school psychologist, and leading expert in emotional regulation and nervous system health.
Speaker: She's the author of the upcoming book, which I cannot wait to dig into, The Disregulated Kid. and founder of Regulation First Parenting, a movement helping parents rethink behavior through the lens of nervous systems. So, Dr. Roseanne, welcome to the show.
Speaker: I am so excited to be here and I love your mission and I think this is going to be a great conversation. Absolutely. So let's just get started. So let's talk about.
Speaker: What is nervous system dysregulation? Yeah, so you know I think... Everybody is hearing the word nervous system. And, yeah you know, I'm so excited because I've been working and supporting kids and parents and adults.
Speaker: who have nervous system dysregulation for three decades. so Really simply, nervous system dysregulation is when the nervous system has a hard time shifting between a calm state.
Speaker: and a stress state. so Think about it as we, you know, we have what's called an autonomic nervous system, ANS. And our ANS. is our stress management system, right? So when we are calm.
Speaker: We should be in a what's called parasympathetic state. Something stresses us, real or imagined, good or bad, you move up to a sympathetic dominant state when you're in a... chronic stress state or extreme stress state.
Speaker: you move into high levels of sympathetic dominance, fight, flight, or freeze. And what's... happening in the world. is um I think people don't. You know, they're they're using and abusing their nervous system. They don't know that a nervous system has actually a max. capacity.
Speaker: So I talk about... service system as a stress cup. And so when we think about we add stress in our cop, right? And this is why we're all so stressed out, right? so um we are not getting enough sleep.
Speaker: Right. We're maybe on the go too much and we forget to eat or we eat garbage or we're fighting with our partner or your kid has a hard time making friends or they're spending too much on our device. Each one sort of adds little bits to the stress cup. Right. oh mean great things
Speaker: um your teens trying to get into college and they have so many choices they're super stressed out by it or you know they're they're invited to a lot of things and they don't know how to manage it All these things, right, add to our stress cuff. So when there's too much in our stress cuff, what happens?
Speaker: overflows Overflow. Right. So when we are not. tending to the nervous system, stress just compounds and adds up and we move into... constant state of dysregulation. constant dysregulation 100 % of the time.
Speaker: is going to lead to something else. Right. So it's going to lead to autoimmune issues. It's going to lead to mental health issues. It's going to lead to physical issues, skin problems, gut problems. Your body can't live in a constant stress state. And so when we're thinking about the nervous system, we're not really thinking about...
Speaker: What can we do? Simply. to regulate ourselves and pull stuff out of our stress cup. We're making it much harder than it has to be, which is why I'm on this whole mission. of educating people about the importance of regulating first. that. We have to regulate ourselves first as parents. Our kids need to regulate themselves first before.
Speaker: They, you know, you as a parent before you're connecting. before you're just... planning and correcting your kid, but also before we do treatments. before we do ah talk therapy and... other things. When your body's in a dysregulated state, Laura,
Speaker: Your frontal lobes go offline. You are not. and accessing information. And I hope that's a big aha, especially when we think about teenagers, which are, you know, they're juggling a lot and they're growing. And sometimes they get a bum rap as being crabby. you know? and Right.
Speaker: that they're crabby or their system is overloaded and they haven't learned how to navigate that. I mean, this is where people are taught coping skills and they don't know how to use them. It's like they don't know how to get them. They can't. access them.
Speaker: Because they're too dysregulated. So yeah, a lot of things in there. But nervous system dysregulation is a hot topic because we're all feeling that way. Right, right. And so I'm thinking this is just this universal problem. And I would like to add the idea, and I'd love to hear your feedback about... how our devices are playing a role in this.
Speaker: Yeah. Will they play a role? I have a whole chapter in my book called Device Dysregulation because... Everybody wants to talk to me about it, Laura. So I don't believe devices are... the worst thing on the planet. And um I want to be the voice of practicality and modern living.
Speaker: They're not going away. Yeah. So the real problem is. We as Gen Xers, right? We didn't grow up.
Speaker: with. device, device, device, device, device. I mean, I had a bag cell phone, Laura. Okay. Like, you know, those ones that they use. My dad had one of those. I never got to have one, but yes, I think they're cool. They look neat. It's like a big walkie talkie.
Speaker: Exactly. They look like a walkie talkie. Right. Yeah. So, so, you know, we were here for the, you know, when the iPhone became a thing and, you know, right. And at first it was, was it the Blackberry became a smartphone and then. Oh, yeah.
Speaker: So we didn't have so much access that. fit into the palm of our hand. I mean, you rarely walk anywhere without seeing somebody in their phone in their hand, right? So...
Speaker: So it's there. It's an extension. So we... feel ill -equipped on how to set boundaries and manage it. Now, the bad part about devices are is very clear. The research is very clear. You cannot be on your freaking device.
Speaker: For. 10 hours a day. You can't, but they are. OK, so we have to power down. I'll talk about that. The other bad news about devices is that what you're doing on your device makes a difference in mental health.
Speaker: So if you're passive scrolling. Right. It's associated with negative health. If you're doing social things. it actually is associated with positive health i think side of that.
Speaker: Kids are missing a lot of social cues and they're not hearing tone and they're not hearing things. But that's a whole other conversation. But yeah. The biggest problem with devices is we are ill -equipped at sending setting boundaries around devices. and in advance of device usage. And it's just such a point of conflict. Holy cow. yeah it's huge it's huge so speaking of devices I would love to transition over to the dev device
Speaker: The cool thing that you showed me before we started recording that helps with nervous system dysregulation. So can you show us and talk about it? Yeah. So I was just showing Laura in advance that I use something called, I have a device called Calm.
Speaker: P -E -M -F. And PEMF is a technology based on frequency medicine that was actually developed by NASA.
Speaker: for the astronauts. to improve their cellular health. And so um it's pretty cool, right? And so um it uses pulsed electromagnetic frequency at low hertz, under 200 hertz. And so I have, there's all kinds of devices. These are FDA regulated devices. There are mess.
Speaker: There are ones that you go and sit in an office. There's little ones. There's only a few little ones like mine. And so I had the big one in the office where people would come in and they would come in for everything from ADHD to head injury. I did a lot of work with kids with PANS, PANDAS and OCD. And so I'll talk about what it does, but what... happened was
Speaker: you know, the primary result was calming. people would be much calmer, much more regulated. And so all of their symptoms would come down. When you regulate the nervous system, you can change the intensity, frequency, and duration.
Speaker: Ah. problematic symptoms right so it doesn't mean they're eliminated sometimes it could be but it starts bringing everything down because when the nervous system is activated it can't do its job it's going to take all your hormones. It's going to take your immune system. It's going to take your neurotransmitters. It's going to disrupt the microbiome, which is where neurotransmitters are created. In your gut, yeah. so Yeah. And then your frontal lobes are offline. So you're a hot mess. So people are like, oh, Roseanne, you're talking about me, you know, as a mom or a dad.
Speaker: And so PEMF does three things. It's really pretty cool. So one. It is through.
Speaker: through frequency, it's coming in, it's sending a low hertz frequency. We've already identified the frequency, my device. is very specific to, I have one called. stress and anxiety. So it addresses stress and anxiety and focus. And then I have an infections and toxins for all my people that struggle with autoimmune diseases and pants pandas and all those other things. And and it has a Lyme disease. It has all of that built in based on - Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. So um that's actually the one i I have on. I'm an Epstein bar girl. I got Epstein bar when I was 17 and I always need to keep my, I always need to keep my Epstein bar in check.
Speaker: because it will come home man um yeah and I could go on and on and on and on about infections and and the connection to mental health, but we know neuroinflammation is a big part of mental health. So what it does is it sends a frequency to the cells. It says, this is not what you want to do. This is unhealthy. And it comes in with a corrective frequency.
Speaker: And then the cells. Start. functioning better and they become healthier. which is why. NASA wanted it for the astronauts. right? And they had other things, I'm sure, in there because you can make all kinds of protocols. These are the two devices that worked best. for the people that that follow me. And then the next thing it does is it pulls you right into a parasympathetic state. Oh, oh cool. more Yeah. So cool. Right. Yeah. like um'ma I'm in it now. I've had a rough week.
Speaker: And you're never going to know it because yeah I'm, you know, always working myself into a parasympathetic state. And then lastly, it improves detoxification. So it's going to lower neuroinflammation. And so these are the things that I see.
Speaker: that are wreaking havoc in the world of mental health now you know this is this is a device that you know mine is portable you pop it in your pocket has a fanny pack It's incredible. I mean, I'm using it with. kids with their you know, parental supervision. Mine has a very interesting. way that it is. It holds six protocols.
Speaker: And it has a one hour, two hour, an eight hour, because guess what? You can sleep with it. So... There's different reasons why people use it. My cats use it. My husband uses it. I have elderly people using it. It's really, what are you looking to do? And we know that cellular health.
Speaker: It's all about longevity and helping you live a better quality of life. but Also know the greatest threat to our health and the number one reason why people go to. Annie.
Speaker: Physician visit is stress. Yes. Walking around with stress cups. So as much as I love this device, feel free to buy one, you know, listen to my stuff about it. really what I want to do and what.
Speaker: My book is about the dysregulated kid, not to jump into that. Because I want you to be accessible. So my book is about what is free. that you can do. yeah Because...
Speaker: There are so many free things we could do. that reset our nervous system. The beauty of the device. It happens quick. You pop it in your pocket.
Speaker: Right. So. I just want everybody to know I do. everything all day long. I am never just relying on this. I do. Okay. incredible amount of things. including Tai Chi. and breathwork and prayer and guided visualization.
Speaker: I don't even know I'm doing these things. Like. I just find myself doing them. Because. I am super ridiculous high level of the things that I'm doing.
Speaker: Mm -hmm. extraordinary amount of things related to my book launch and just just I'm in a transition place in my life. I'm a mom of a teenager and a young adult. Like I got real world stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. like Oh, I hear you. The water.
Speaker: the Pipe. broke and was flying everywhere, you know, like just everyday life. But yeah I know that I have to focus on regulating myself. for me to be a wonderful mom.
Speaker: you know, to have patience. to be a great friend. And it's so important to me, but it really does allow me to do things at like a freaky superhuman level, just FYI. Okay, we're going to be sure to add the link to this in the show notes so people can figure out how to access it.
Speaker: But what I want to talk about is... What are the costs of being dysregulated? And we know we talked about kind of physical health detrimental you know, effects.
Speaker: um But what are the costs on relationships when people are just walking around dysregulated and specifically like parents and teens? Yeah. I think there's such a great cost. I think there's a cost not only in the relationship.
Speaker: but how you feel as the person who's dysregulated, whether you're the adult. um you're the child, you feel like garbage. You feel ashamed. True.
Speaker: in that cycle because the way that... you know, dysregulation works. Right. So we the more you dysregulate. the more your nervous system will dysregulate.
Speaker: The more you regulate, the more it will. regulate And... The more you're regulated, the more you become actually the nervous system people attune to.
Speaker: especially with children. So, you know, if you think about it, like think about like a favorite teacher. Right? You know, I think about those teachers that were just so like Roseanne, honey. You know, they were loving. um Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: and And, you know, and and everything about them. I don't remember what she said to me, Mrs. Thurman, in the third grade, but I knew she was just had. A soft.
Speaker: Presence Because she was regulated. You know what I'm saying? So yeah I just remember her as one of my favorite teachers, like of all of all my teachers. And she also got me.
Speaker: Ha ha! But, but. When we are so dysregulated, the cost of it in this relationship is you come in, you approach and in a reactive state, right? You're trying to parent from reactivity. Your child's nervous system is like danger, danger, threat.
Speaker: I'm going to react to. it doesn't know another way to react. It is biology. We cannot. Demand. that people come out of a dysregulated state. And this is what happens. Then we say our our teen or child is being disrespectful. They're being manipulative. They're not working to their potential. All these things. Let me tell you something. I've worked with. thousands of kids, teenagers. I've also worked with thousands of failure to launch.
Speaker: young adults is as old as in their 30s. Yeah. um Nobody wants that. Yeah. But yet. They get so stuck.
Speaker: that you feel overwhelmed, like I'm just drowning in overwhelm. And it's just so easy to happen. So the cost is really quite. Great. And nobody needs to be perfect here. Like this idea that we have. like So bad.
Speaker: You know? I have like an 80 % rule. That's kind of my blanket rule for everything. Yes. Yeah. yeah yeah A good old D minus. Come on. Right. Yeah. That's enough. Yeah.
Speaker: But, you know, like social media makes us feel like. we have people, everyone else is doing better. And that's a message we as adults feel and kids. like And it's so false because let me tell you people, I know everybody's business.
Speaker: And. it's rare people all got it together. So don't try to pretend, you know? Right. And that's really terrible for your kids because perfectionism is leading to anxiety and OCD. Oh, so much. Yeah. So much. That pressure to perform, the overwhelming, you know, i that's right. My sweet spot of kids that I work with, like.
Speaker: trying to get into the best college and trying to get into the best fraternity or sorority, trying to get the best job or the best internship. yeah be maybe even a college athlete. um I mean, this is the story of the kids that I work with. So it's like. this overwhelming pressure that the parents feel to like have the best kids and then the overwhelming pressure that the kids feel to perform up to the parents expectations but then also just to feel proud of who they are in their own world. So then then they can post about it and feel good about themselves.
Speaker: It's so absolutely true. And, you know, 40 % of college freshmen. leave or and the number one reason is mental health. because they, you know, there was this documentary, like, I don't know, maybe 15 years ago, it was like the race to nowhere. And so this, know let me take every AP class. Let me take every honor class. And these kids are taking on.
Speaker: you know not just the the the emotional drain and the the loss of like downtime, they're taking on financial pressures because what I saw. Otter parent. pushing their kids, but they're not. paying for these colleges. And as somebody who lives in the Northeast, which has... you know, some of the best schools in America and, you know, the the the titans of industry.
Speaker: send their kids to our private high schools. They're right here in the Northeast. um billionaires send their kids to to these boarding schools where I live. And the level of education is incredible here. and Guess what?
Speaker: The state schools are just as good, you know? And so to force your child for what? Like, why? To take on. for $400 ,000 worth of debt.
Speaker: And um it's really become like when I grew up, we had, you know, the the designer jeans came out, Jordache jeans, Sergio Valente. you know And it became a thing. So colleges about 15 years ago became a thing. thing, name brand colleges.
Speaker: You have to just be more practical. People that don't have money. They think in practicalities, right? Right. so so Where is your kid? going to be happiest. Where is it going to lead to a vocation?
Speaker: you Not a job. and you know focus on what they love. And, you know, make sure your kid is being balanced. But guess what? You're remodeling it. 2.
Speaker: Which I think is the missing sauce in this, you know, the missing ingredient in this sauce because We are, we are overwhelmed. People are so overwhelmed. And and um wherever I go, no matter what age.
Speaker: whether it's a teenager or a young adult, somebody who's 80, somebody who's a mom with so three kids. They all are like. Teach me about the nervous system. I am just right. what can They do.
Speaker: Yeah. And and I think we can't ignore that. you know, yeah and I really feel for the pressures, you know. um My kids are like very different kinds of kids. They're like old people. Yeah, that's actually who I want to ask you about. But I do think that there's this piece that maybe is another show another time where it's just this like letting go or this disengaging from this pressure to perform and like getting out of society and just being an authentic family with your authentic self and make the choices that are are best in alignment with your values and what's ah doable for you. 100%.
Speaker: If it's okay, I would love to do a little personal conversation. Like how are you as a mom? Tell us a little bit about that relationship and how does this work that you do show up yeah in your role as a mom? I love talking about my kids and they know it, you know. um So.
Speaker: My max is the dysregulated kid. That's what my book is. And um unfortunately, my max at 22 months was bitten by a tick. And it changed our life.
Speaker: And she went through. decades. you know, of... the neuroinflammation. And, you know, we had every means and availability to be with the top experts. We did everything we could. We never went to anybody who wasn't a specialist, who wasn't. the leading specialists. And yet.
Speaker: horrible road. And I think anybody who's you know ah got kids, kids with stuff, they understand. Like this is an interesting thing. So I also married into a 100 % dyslexic family who's also intellectually gifted.
Speaker: Well, everybody, almost everybody's intellectually gifted and 100 % of everybody's dyslexic. So my boys. or dyslexic. And so as a mom, you know I...
Speaker: had to really focus on regulating myself because I had a really dysregulated kid and I was scared. that, you know, why isn't this getting better? And so I really had to. work on that and just be like, this is this is the path of what I got to do. i My kids are curious.
Speaker: I am my mother who who's with Jesus. Her name was Philomena. And um she was a like an Italian Beth Dunn. if anybody watches oh yes yellowstone yep i'm with her oh yeah oh she's uh hard tough cookie oh yeah people were scared of her but she was just the most unbelievably present loving mother like she loved you and would have
Speaker: done anything for you, you know, just like Beth Dutton. So then she was scary. We used to have apartments and she would collect rents. and They didn't care that she was five foot one Italian lady. Like they were pooping in their pants. So I grew up with this power source. Like she was that kind of power. And so I knew 100 % that I was safe.
Speaker: I knew that no matter what I would do in life, if I got in trouble no matter what, my parents would have my back. And so that is powerful when you create that kind of safety. So I was a very...
Speaker: confident person and I never doubted my confidence and people would like, you know, this is a different time. Like, oh, yeah you know, like. oh, girls can't do that. And I was like, I don't know who you're talking to, but you know see that you know, when you're like, what? Or people would come to my beautiful house and go, what does your husband do? And I'm like, I'm Dr. Roseanne. Like, yeah why are you asking what my husband does? Like, hello. So I had this strength.
Speaker: So I pass it on to my kids. My kids, you know, when they would go to, you know, we home. We homeschooled, we went to school, private schools. We're just too different to be, there's nothing wrong with public school.
Speaker: It's just not. right? We're very holistic. So we really have very strong family values. I'm also first generation American from Italy. So we very much are an Italian family.
Speaker: And. living the sort of Italian principles in America. And um my kids are old souls. Like they know how to say no to things. they They understand their expectations. I also really fostered independence for them. They are not perfect kids.
Speaker: We have this safe relationship where... We you regulate. You connect. And then you can have deep conversations. You can discipline. You can have correction. But if you don't have the first two, it just doesn't come. And that's what. so much conflict happens. But I'm really proud of my kids. They know themselves really well.
Speaker: And when you raise strong -minded kids, they say no a lot. Yeah. It's like a double -edged sword. You're like, ah, yeah I wanted you to just say that outside of the house, not inside of the house. I'm not going there, you know, like I'm not doing that. And I'm like, OK, you know, so um and so yet, you know, they're just really cool. You know, like my youngest one, my mother was like every Italian ah myth or or idea about like she could cook anything. It was like level 10. So I am like.
Speaker: Love to cook. But my youngest is like... rock star like he makes his own sauces from scratch like he does this he does that so just to see his independence and like hey you're busy so i just made dinner and i'm like you know at you know, as a young teenager. He started cooking independently.
Speaker: with us watching him because we have a gas stove at six. But by 10. He didn't need supervision anymore on his shoulders. So, you know, there's a self -confidence there. And and um yeah, when you create little moments of power and self -confidence, your kids make good decisions when you're not around.
Speaker: And that's... That's what I... what I wanted. so they see me working all the time to regulate myself. I'm like, hey, you know, I do Tai Chi all day. They see me doing breath works. I'm very into prayer.
Speaker: And they see it and I demonstrate it. And when I'm having a hard time, again, this was a rough week with me for something related to business. I was like. Oh my god. And and Max came home, I think it was Monday afternoon. And I'm like laying on the couch like.
Speaker: oh, I've had such a rough day. I'm going to watch 16 Candles. You want to watch 16 Candles with me? And he was like, i love no. But you need a hug. And I was like, Give me a hug, Max. I've had a rough day. And he's like, yeah you don't normally say that. So let me give you a hug. And I was like, yeah. Couldn't have been prouder. Because I was like. That's exactly what you. what I would have done for you.
Speaker: And you're now seeing that. So monkey see, monkey do. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Yes. So that's the perfect way to kind of wind down and bring people um the attention to your book. So how can people find your book?
Speaker: um tell us um you know a little if there's anything else specific you want to talk about with it Yeah, I'm so proud of this book. I'm so excited. It's really my antidote to the dysregulation crisis. And it's called The Disregulated Kid. It's the parenting playbook for helping.
Speaker: your child find calm in a chaotic world. And it literally is. the exact thing of what to say and do for yourself. and for your child and it's just so easy there's no way to not to regulate yourself and Unless you don't do the simple things, right? From breath work and prayer and different things. And we just make it so easy. And, you know, this is such an important piece. I really do want to see this. like
Speaker: you know buying one for yourself, buying one for your teacher. I have book clubs like so that you could get a little posse because when you're parenting, I think one of the best things is to have two or three friends.
Speaker: where you're in alignment on things. like I have some friends who there's no devices Monday, to Thursday. So it makes it so easy. There's no argument because we're in a little pod. So I just think though those pieces can be helpful. so um but
Speaker: you know thank you for allowing me to talk about my book i Couldn't be more proud of it. And it's just so, I took the science of the nervous system and it's just, I just made it so easy for everyone. I love it. I can't wait to read it. And I know that's kind of like what you're is so well known for is taking these, I mean, this is like super, super duper complex scientific stuff.
Speaker: But you just like boil it down, make it really digestible, really easy, like just kind of simple for the busy mom brain to be able to digest and take these pieces and follow the steps and and be able to become more regulated. Because at the end of the day, what a better world this would be if we were all, yeah you know, um much more regulated. So I love your topic. And and this conversation has been so helpful, so informative. and So thank you for your time, Dr. Roseanne. Oh, thank you.
Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast .com. tphmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.
