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Episode 33: When You Feel Like You Are "Running on Empty" in Marriage and Parenting
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Transcript
Introduction and Mission
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi, I'm Ruth Schwenk and I'm so thrilled you're listening in with us at Root Lake Faith. It is our deepest desire to encourage and equip men and women to be rooted in God's word, transformed by the love of Jesus, and moved by his mission in the power of the Holy Spirit. Nothing is more important.
Running on Empty: Marriage and Parenting
00:00:18
Speaker
Well, in today's episode, we are talking about how we can all feel like we are running on empty. Honestly, in life, but also in marriage and parenting. And we've got to figure out how do we stay well-fueled. And so that's what we want to talk about today. We want to talk about when you're running on empty
00:00:40
Speaker
in marriage and in parenting how you can learn to stay well fueled. This is going to be good. I'm really excited. I hope this is a really helpful episode. So let's get going.
Technical Note
00:00:52
Speaker
Hey there, friend. I wanted to let you know that we had a few technical difficulties with this episode, so you may hear a faint clicking noise throughout the episode. It's not too bad, and I hope that you enjoy the content. We wanted to make sure we still got it to you, but just wanted to apologize for the technical difficulties we had.
Running Out of Gas: A Personal Anecdote
00:01:12
Speaker
Well, as great as marriage and parenting can be, it can be exhausting. It's easy to run on empty. And actually, I was just going to say, I know somebody.
00:01:26
Speaker
Sitting next to me. I have not run out of gas. I was actually thinking about this the other day. I drove down to Illinois. I was doing a pro-life workshop. And you were proud of yourself? Yeah. Well, it got me thinking, because there came a point in the journey. It was a six-hour drive to get where I was in Mattoon, Illinois, which is past Terre Haute. And there came a point where I was like, if I don't find a gas station, I'm in trouble. And it was like 9 o'clock at night. It was dark. It was rainy.
00:01:53
Speaker
You'll never hear from me again. I'll end up on the news or something. I was getting a little bit nervous. Anyway, it got me thinking about how it's been a long time since I've run out of gas, but I used to run out of gas all the time. Literally all the time. It's not like you were driving out somewhere in the middle of nowhere and run out of gas. No, it was in the known civilized world. You'd drive by gas stations and you'd run out of gas right down the road. A block from the gas station. We didn't live out in the country.
00:02:20
Speaker
We lived in a cute little town that had a couple gas stations. They were on every corner. But here's the thing too, and I think about that. It was when our kids were so little. Most inconvenient time. You'd have to pack all the kids up. I'd pack everybody up in the car seats and have to come and get you to go get some gas. I remember, speaking of that,
00:02:45
Speaker
a memory of that when we lived in Sylvania, you know, Toledo, Ohio, there was that Speedway right there on the corner. And there was, remember, there was that hotel that was like right sort of at the top of that hill. And that's where I ran out of gas. Like literally, I could have thrown a baseball and hit the clerk at the Speedway. Like that's how close I was. And I ran out of gas. I don't know if you were that close because you would have walked, right?
00:03:06
Speaker
Well, and that's the part of the story I don't quite understand, because I should have just walked over and gotten a can of gas. But for some reason, you packed up the kids and came, got me, and then I don't know. That part's a little sketchy. But I do remember running out of gas literally that close to the Speedway in Sylvania. That is a true story. I would not fabricate that. Well, that's a long time ago. And that's a long time ago. That's why we can't remember. This is probably 15.
00:03:32
Speaker
At least, I mean, I don't know, 15 years ago. Well, it could have been three of our four kids in real life, so it might have been, yeah. I don't know. Anyways, it happened numerous times, and I could never understand. Like, just get some gas. Well, I'm sure it's connected to my childhood. I'm sure there's a reason.
00:03:49
Speaker
Well, I will say, though, that I can't remember. That was the last time, I think. I can't remember the last time that happened. So that must have been. There were a time or two after that, but we don't need to bring it up. So I think the point is that, yeah, when you think about marriage and parenting, or when you think about when you move from married to married with kids,
00:04:07
Speaker
You just burn a lot of gas. It can be exhausting.
Recognizing Burnout in Family Life
00:04:10
Speaker
It's stressful. It's fun and exciting. But it's easy to run on empty. And unlike a car that gives you those warning signs that flashes, you're on empty. We don't oftentimes have quite as obvious signs that we're running on empty. And so we're going to talk a little bit about that today, that in marriage,
00:04:27
Speaker
and marriage with kids, we really need to be aware of those times when we're running on empty or when our spouse is and why it's so important to really fuel one another, to keep ourselves fueled and just how important that is in marriage and family. So let's talk about some of the causes of the reasons that we run on empty. Like what causes us to get to this point?
00:04:52
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I think of just some of the things that in life, I mean, especially when you move from married to married with kids, I mean, you're sleeping less.
Causes of Fatigue
00:05:00
Speaker
You know, I just think about those early years when you were getting up into the middle of the night, and occasionally I would. But I mean, everything's a blur, right? It really is. I mean, you sleep less. You eat less a lot of times, especially when your kids are young. You're just trying to keep food.
00:05:15
Speaker
on the table and in their mouth. And so sometimes you don't even eat until everybody else is done. I mean, you stop exercising a lot of times. No, not everybody does. I feel like I had friends who were like so good at that. They just, they stayed so active. I'm thinking in particular, it's like she was, you know, running five K's the day before she gave birth. I mean, there are, there are those out there. Yeah.
00:05:38
Speaker
and I just but I wasn't one of those and I wished I was but I agree we don't when we don't exercise that can have a big effect on us well I just think you know again you know you're just sacrificing more you're giving I mean just I mean marriage and then marriage with kids I mean you're just giving so much and rightfully so it demands a lot and deserves a lot but the downside to that is it can lead to self-neglect and you can get pretty wiped out
00:06:06
Speaker
All right, so those are some of the causes. And now let's talk about some of the signs of self neglect. And we actually have in our book for better or for kids, a whole list of these signs of self neglect. And I think it's always helpful to just understand these because if we can be proactive and know that these are signs to look out for, I think we can really get ahead of the problem.
00:06:31
Speaker
Well, just going back to the gas illustration, I have friends that if they get below half a tank, they're pulling over to refill. Not you. Not me. I mean, I will run that thing down to below empty. And so then there's those people, right? That they'll just run it as far as they can.
00:06:50
Speaker
and then fill up, and so just stick with that analogy or that illustration. I think the goal in marriage, in marriage with kids, is to not let yourself get to that E, not to run out of gas, but to pay attention. I know self-care has become sort of a controversial
00:07:07
Speaker
idea, we've done a whole episode on that, you know, just, you know, soul care, self care. But yeah, just really kind of being proactive in terms of watching each other's backs and not getting to a place that is dangerously low on fuel. And so I know we list those, those signs of self neglect. And the goal there is to kind of pay attention before you get to a real dangerous spot.
00:07:28
Speaker
Because soul care is important right and so here's us here's a few of those warning signs that we have listed in our book for better for kids Sustained feelings of being overwhelmed by normal tasks loss of joy and excitement a diminished romantic life being easily irritated always feeling on edge and
00:07:49
Speaker
Sensing a lack of peace or being unsettled in your soul feeling overly anxious Unresolved bitterness or resentment frequent illness or chronic health issues lacking enthusiasm for activities you once enjoyed Feeling drained burned out or unusually tired and I think what I love of course there's other signs to be watchful for but
00:08:13
Speaker
I think what I love about this list, again, is that if you are aware of these warning signs, like if it's helpful to you, write a list of those warning signs down and then occasionally look at that list and just be sure that there's nothing happening in your life that's on that list.
00:08:32
Speaker
I think we've talked about boundaries before. One of my favorite definitions about boundaries related to boundaries is that boundaries aren't meant to keep others out, they're meant to keep you together. And so just that idea of why it's so important to establish boundaries and
00:08:52
Speaker
pay attention to where you're at or to where your spouse is at, is that you're really attempting by God's grace to keep yourself together, to keep yourself in a healthy spot, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And so it's just so important as we're thinking about boundaries and
00:09:08
Speaker
taking care of ourself, you know, carrying the load that maybe a spouse is carrying, is we want to, you know, really help keep that marriage healthy, help keep that soul healthy.
Helping an Overwhelmed Partner
00:09:20
Speaker
Yeah, and so you were kind of touching on some practical stuff there. I apologize. I'm getting ahead of myself.
00:09:27
Speaker
No, that's good because I think it's that we can transition into talking about practically what this looks like. Because obviously we're talking about those warning signs to write those down, you know, be aware of those. But there's practical ways in marriage with your spouse that practical ways we can guard against running on empty.
00:09:48
Speaker
And so I think, you know, just be helpful to kind of share a couple of those as we close this episode, just so that we, so we can help one another and be there to support one another as we are, you know, called to do in marriage and guard again against your spouse running on empty, which, well, I guess, I don't know, I tried to guard against that when you really were running on empty with gas and that.
00:10:18
Speaker
Never worked. It never worked. Literally. Literally. You're talking about me running out of gas. Yes. Yes. Literally. I had never worked. I did. I told you over and over, but actually at some point it did because you don't do that anymore. Okay. I've grown. Anyways, back to practical ways. Is this what you were talking about, watching each other's back? Yeah. I think in marriage, I think you know not only
00:10:43
Speaker
when you're running on empty, but I think just paying attention to yourself, but also paying attention to your spouse and watching each other's back, just knowing your spouse's habits and their limitations, their capacities, their weaknesses, and just being, again, a good spouse that is paying attention
00:11:03
Speaker
to how your husband or your wife is doing and being willing to say, you know what, I know this has been a crazy season. There's been a lot going on at work or this has just been a crazy time with the kids, whatever it is, just paying attention to not only yourself but your spouse and being willing to speak into that and being aware of that.
00:11:23
Speaker
Which then obviously leads to acting a certain way we're gonna talk about number two is then carrying each other's burdens right and I think if you're paying attention You I mean let's be honest you can totally tell when your spouse is is running on it isn't a bad spot, right?
00:11:39
Speaker
And so how, you know, gently, obviously, talking with them about that, or just trying to help lighten that load a little bit, which, like you said, is where we can carry each other's burdens. Right, absolutely. And Galatians 6.2 says, carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. And so I think there's just such power in that,
00:12:06
Speaker
I think that brings us together as a couple when we are aware of what's going on in our spouse's life. We're aware of when they are running on empty, and then we're not only aware of it, but we step in and we actually do something about it. The idea behind carrying each other's burdens, that Greek word, really means to put upon oneself or to carry what is burdensome. And so when you think about being in a relationship,
00:12:33
Speaker
with your spouse, I mean, you're putting upon yourself to carry their burden is to put upon yourself something that is heavy to them. And so, you know, when you think about the idea of in a marriage or in family, when you're going through just a crazy time, a difficult season, or your spouse is running an empty.
00:12:49
Speaker
it's being willing to not just be aware of where they're at but now to put upon yourself in some way what is burdensome to them and that might look like something really simple and it might be you know like your spouse takes the dog out in the morning and you know that just doing that is going to help them it might mean making the coffee for them and it could mean even bigger things than that but I think the idea
00:13:12
Speaker
of being aware of where your spouse is running on empty, but then being willing to carry what is burdensome to them, to lighten the load for them in that week or that month or that year, whatever it is that you're going through. I think that's huge. I've used, over the years have used the illustration of
00:13:30
Speaker
of a backpack. And you think about in marriage, you're carrying a backpack and I'm carrying a backpack. A husband and a wife are both carrying their own backpacks. And in that backpack, you've got a number of rocks, right? And so you go through different seasons or circumstances where it feels like those rocks are a lot heavier. You've got more rocks in your backpack. And so the idea is that there are times where
00:13:51
Speaker
You might need to take rocks out of your spouse's backpack. You want to lighten the load that they're carrying. It doesn't mean that they're not still walking with something hard or difficult or stressful, but you're trying to lighten their load. And so I just have always appreciated that sort of image in that there are times where, as a husband, you need to just take some rocks out of your wife's backpack and allow her to walk a little bit lighter and a little bit more free. And again, that could be doing the laundry. It could be taking the dog out.
00:14:21
Speaker
It could be telling her to go out with her girlfriends one night. I mean, there's all sorts of, I think, really tangible things that you can do in marriage that can lighten somebody's load, a spouse's load, to just help them get through that season, or to just stay in a healthy place. Yeah, well, and it can be as simple as letting the dog out, because honey, when you do that... My word. Alright, I've done that.
00:14:45
Speaker
Because when you do that, it really, we have two dogs, and one's name is- But it feels like we have 10. You know what I mean? I know. It's amazing to me that you can have two dogs, and you feel like you have a fleet of them. Well, most people- Or high maintenance. Well, I shouldn't say that most people, but I think a lot of people just let their, when they let their dog out, they open the door and the dog goes outside, go to the bathroom. Right. That would be too easy. When we let our dogs out, we have to take them for a walk every single time. We have to take them out.
00:15:12
Speaker
And I see dogs go out, like I see our neighbors go out, and their dog goes out, they walk outside, and they go to the bathroom, and that's it. Our dogs, you have to walk them for 15 minutes to get them to go to the bathroom. It's incredible, it's extraordinary. Well, okay, so anyways, May's and Blue are their names. May's is a pug, and she, oh, she's salty. She's adorable. Luckily, she's adorable. Because May's goes through these phases where she will get up, I'm not kidding,
00:15:38
Speaker
5 30 6 a.m. Which I would I don't mind like if it was like 6 30 But when it starts creeping earlier like that I'm kind of like oh no like I literally cannot do this and I know honey, there's many days that you get up at 4 30 or 5 or you know and Thankfully you just otherwise maze will literally paw at my face until I get up to take her out where you if you see her and you're up you take her out and
00:16:07
Speaker
And it makes me so happy. It's true. I have done that. And that seems so simple, but that is honestly, it's sometimes those very simple things that can make such a difference or doing the laundry. I mean, that's another one. So sometimes it's just those very simple things that make all the difference.
Faith in Overcoming Burnout
00:16:28
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. I would just add maybe one more thing as we as we kind of wrap up. And I think of, you know, Psalm 62, for example, where the psalmist says my soul finds rest in God alone. You know, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress. He's my salvation.
00:16:43
Speaker
you know, I will not be shaken. And of course, then Jesus in Matthew 11 says, you know, come to me, all of you who are weary, you know, come to me, all of you who are running on empty and I will give you rest, you know, take my my yoke upon upon you. You know, my burden is light. It's easy. And of course, there's a lot we could say about that passage in Matthew 11 verses 26 through 28. But I think that the important part there is we're thinking about, you know, running on empty and just watching each other's back and
00:17:12
Speaker
and being willing to carry one another's burdens. And just some of those real practical, tangible ways we were just talking about is to keep in mind that ultimately the place of great rest, the place of refueling is found not in a place, but it's in a person. And it's in God himself. And Jesus is saying, come to me when you're tired, when you're worn out.
00:17:31
Speaker
When you're weary, I'll give you rest. I'll settle your soul and I'll give you strength. I'll sustain you. I'll give you the grace that you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep being a godly husband, to keep being a godly wife, to keep being a godly parent.
00:17:47
Speaker
And so I think, you know, just to add that, that it's so important for us as we're thinking about having a marriage that again, doesn't just walk down the aisle, but walks through life together is to remember to keep Jesus at the center and to be abiding with Him, to be rooting our life in Him, to be saturating ourselves each day.
00:18:05
Speaker
in God's word. I mean, there's nothing fancy about that, right? It's day in and day out, week in and week out, year after year, walking with God, seeking Him, spending time with Him in prayer, reading the Scriptures. And ultimately, that's what sustains us. It's what satisfies us. It's what strengthens us.
00:18:24
Speaker
And it's it's what will fuel us for the road ahead. And life is incredibly difficult. The path is not always easy, whether in marriage or in family. And so we need to remember that we don't walk that road alone, that we have the presence of God, the power of God with us through the through the presence of the Holy Spirit. And we need to be abiding with the Father through the Son and the power of the Spirit. And that's what strengthens us. That's what sustains us on the road. And it's ultimately what keeps gas in the tank.
00:18:50
Speaker
That's so good. And what a beautiful thing that we as a couple or as parents that we can continue to point one another to Christ and help to point each other to Christ because that's what lessens the burden, lightens the load. So, so good.
Call to Action: Share the Message
00:19:08
Speaker
Well friend, we are so grateful that you have joined us.
00:19:12
Speaker
If we haven't met, we want to get to know you. So be sure to follow us on Instagram at Patrick W. Schwank and at Ruth Schwank or on Facebook. And also don't forget that everything that we talked about will be at rootlegfaith.com forward slash podcast.
00:19:27
Speaker
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