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EP 95: Getting Your Spark Back
2.1k Plays1 month ago
This week on Mom Group Chat, we’re talking about something so many moms wonder but rarely say out loud: How do I get my spark back after having babies?
We’re getting real about:
- Whether there’s a timeline for feeling like yourself again (spoiler: nope)
- How different it was for each of us after each pregnancy
- What it actually looked like when the spark started to return — and the small things that helped
- Why you can’t thrive until you’re done surviving — and how to know when that shift starts to happen
This isn’t about bouncing back. It’s about coming back to yourself — slowly, messily, and on your own terms.
Whether you’re in the thick of the newborn fog or finally feeling the clouds part, this episode is your reminder that the spark does come back — and you’re not alone while you wait for it.
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Questions/comments/need to vent? Email us at momgroupchat@gmail.com
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Transcript
Candice's Postpartum Hair Struggles
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it.
00:00:12
Speaker
Oh, we're going to get into it. What up, moms? My name is Candice, and I'm here with my best friend, Whitney. And this is the Mom Group Chat Podcast. Hey, friends. What's up?
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello. so New York. From for me and my postpartum regrowth.
Debating Haircuts: Change vs. Attachment
00:00:30
Speaker
This piece of hair is the bane of mine's existence because I cannot wear my hair in a low bun or anything without this piece of hair popping out. Just curl it like a little.
00:00:42
Speaker
I'm like so close to shaving it. i'm I really am, which I know will only bring me back to square one. And I know that's the wrong thing to do, but it's just so at the nape of my neck. Like it'd be so easy for me to just be like and shave it. Yeah.
00:00:55
Speaker
i hate Well, aren't you planning on cutting your hair? Yes. I go back. I really go back and forth, y'all. I'm like, I want to. i'm I'm feeling ready for a change. But then also, like I saw a picture of myself from this past weekend when my hair looked so long and luscious. And I was like,
00:01:13
Speaker
What am I thinking? Yeah. I'm like, what? Why would I do such a thing? So I don't know. I'm really, I know i know it'll feel good. i just am nervous. I don't know.
00:01:27
Speaker
I always get the itch this time of year. um But I'm really loving my hair tool and doing my hair like that for work and stuff. I get so many compliments on it that I'm like, why would I cut my hair?
Children's Hair: Growth and Uniqueness
00:01:40
Speaker
But then when it's short, you're just fucking cool.
00:01:44
Speaker
It's just how it is. When your hair is short, it looks so good. For everyone, I think. There was like something on TikTok I was watching, and it was like showing celebrities with their hair short. i liked it all short better.
00:01:56
Speaker
I know. And I know that if I did, i would love it. But it's like it's also like a bit of a commitment. Like you have to – Well, it's not even that. It's just that it's going to take a while to grow back. So like I have to commit to that hairstyle for like a good year.
00:02:15
Speaker
Well, yeah. And then it, oh God, it gets in that middle. and then it's Right. And then you have to go through the like Lord Farquaad, like, like not long, but not short phase. And that sucks. I hate it when it's in the middle.
00:02:28
Speaker
It's so, I don't like that on me. It's ugh. ah yeah Margot just went through like where I was having to put her hair in like the bean sprout for so long. Like But now it's finally long enough, I can tuck it behind her ears. And so I don't mind it down any like at all now because it's out of her freaking eyes. But golly, it took forever to get there.
00:02:51
Speaker
Evie's hair is like growing by the day. It's crazy. It's gotten so long and it's like she's got the like curlies in the back, you know? Her hair I think is curlier than Alice's.
00:03:02
Speaker
Margot's is pretty curly too, but maybe that's a thing when they're little. I don't know. Yeah. Graydon's was always like a stick straight though. Yeah, that's Alice's. is Well, Alice's has a little bit of wave, but it's definitely not like curly. i don't know.
00:03:17
Speaker
It does.
Whitney's New Jersey Revelation
00:03:18
Speaker
So you just got back from lovely trip. New Jersey. Yes, New Jersey and York City. we had my cousin's wedding in New Jersey. And let me tell you, you guys, i cannot believe I'm saying this sentence.
00:03:31
Speaker
No offense all the New Jerseyers out there, but I fell in love with New Jersey. Did you know I got like punched in the face? Not literally, but like verbally by someone from New Jersey one time.
00:03:44
Speaker
It was like a friend of someone, um one of my Rhode Island friends that I was like, I didn't realize like how beautiful New Jersey is. And she went after me because I said that. Really? I hate when people say that. Like, everyone thinks it's like Jersey Shore. And it's like one of the most beautiful places in the US. And ah she went in on me and I was like, look, bitch, I'm not from here. i didn't know. Like, yeah, it was kind of crazy.
00:04:10
Speaker
Like, to be honest, what I think of with New Jersey is like Newark airport and like industrial, like, you know, it's not even that I think of Jersey shore. Like I just think of like industrial cold. I don't know.
00:04:25
Speaker
I couldn't have been more wrong. It was so beautiful. We were in Spring Lake and Point Pleasant, New Jersey. um Stunning, literally. it was like very New England vibes.
00:04:38
Speaker
The houses were like ginormous and beautiful. The town was so cute. I genuinely was like looking up houses to move. I'm not kidding. I was like, I'm ready. But unfortunately, the life I would want there is like at least $7 million dollars home. So like it's just not in my budget currently.
00:04:55
Speaker
But I was obsessed. It was so beautiful up there. The town was the town of Spring Lake is so cute. um We stayed at this adorable little like bed and breakfast called the Chateau. and it was so cute. I just like have nothing but amazing things to say about it.
00:05:12
Speaker
um And the wedding was beautiful. um The most food I've ever seen at a wedding. And then we were told that it was very common for New Jersey
Feasting at New Jersey Weddings
00:05:24
Speaker
weddings to be that extra with food.
00:05:28
Speaker
Like, did I, did I explain this to you at all? but All thing you said was it was the best food you've ever had at a wedding. Okay. I don't know if I said best food. I said the most ah food I've ever had at wedding, although it was good. It was good that.
00:05:42
Speaker
So, but best food, honestly, the food at Shannon's wedding was like insane. Like so good. I think that might be the best food I ever had, but the most food when I tell y'all Anything that you could have ever wanted was at this cocktail hour.
00:05:57
Speaker
Okay. So there were three hours in between the ceremony and the cocktail hour, which Vinny and I were thrilled about. We're like, we can come back to the hotel. we can take a nap. We can like, you know, do whatever we want to do. And then, you know, we loved it, especially if we're going to stay up till midnight. We're like, we need a nap.
00:06:15
Speaker
So, but when we left the ceremony, my uncle was like, don't eat anything. There's going to be so much food, so much food. And we were like, okay, yeah. Like cocktail hour, sure.
00:06:26
Speaker
no No, no, He was not lying. We got there. There was, okay, let me just go through all the stations they had. Okay. Okay. Full sushi station, like anything, any type of roll you could imagine.
00:06:39
Speaker
sat Sashimi, the whole shebang. Full raw bar with them shucking oysters right in front of you. ah Shrimps, scallops, calamari, literally full raw bar, seafood bar.
00:06:53
Speaker
They had a whole pasta station, like Alfred, like six or seven different types of pastas, not joking. Like they had like a meat skewers and like rice and beans thing.
00:07:06
Speaker
They had a whole like pierogies and like German thing. a whole cheese and charcuterie table where above all the cheji cheeses, there was wine pairings so that you could taste the wine with the certain cheeses.
00:07:20
Speaker
There was a whole Mexican section, queso, tacos, fajitas, and next to them, mini margaritas you could grab to go with your Mexican. Yeah. Um, what am I missing? They had, they had Greek like meat, like, you know, like the big meat that you shave off and turn into a pita, falafel, hummus, all the dips.
00:07:43
Speaker
It was like the and so most insane. Oh, and then on top of that, all of these past hors d'oeuvres, anything you could imagine, mini cheeseburgers, empanadas, Cheesesteak egg rolls, lamb lollipops, like literally anything you've ever seen pass at a party was being served.
00:08:01
Speaker
It was unbelievable. And then we had dinner. We had a full seated dinner. So the order was interesting. They had cocktail hour, whatever you, we were stuffed going upstairs to the wedding.
00:08:14
Speaker
They sat you down, you found your table. They started, they served salads and then started the, you ate your salad while the speeches and stuff were happening. And then they opened the dance floor and you started dancing.
00:08:27
Speaker
So you dance for like 30, 40 minutes. And then they were like, all right, your mains are now arriving. Please go back to your tables. Okay. So they serve you again, your full meal, steak, twice-baked potato, whole thing.
00:08:40
Speaker
And then I've never seen this done at a wedding. They came around with seconds, platters of seconds. Would anyone like seconds? Or if you'd like to try the other entree you didn't choose,
00:08:54
Speaker
You're welcome to try that. um My whole family was in shock. We were like, I've never seen this amount of food. And then the bride's mom, which is my cousin, married a girl from New Jersey, who's amazing. We love you, Jen. But she, her mom came around to say hi. And I guess my, like my mom or. Whose wedding was this?
00:09:15
Speaker
my My cousin, Corey, my uncle Greg's son. um So we, the mother of the bride came around to the tables and someone in my family was like, is this normal? Like, is this standard New Jersey wedding?
00:09:29
Speaker
And she was like, yeah, like this is normal New Jersey style wedding. It was so crazy. And then while they opened the dance floor again and then all the workers come out with those like,
00:09:42
Speaker
trays you have around your neck, you know, desserts, no, literally mini ice cream cones, cannolis. They were stuffing right in front of you a whole array of like Italian, like pastries and, you know, little cakes. And it was so, and then wedding cake.
00:10:01
Speaker
And then as you were leaving, they had pork roll, egg and cheese sandwiches to go cookies. It was insane. It was so insane. Like Vinny and I were, and also you can't get drunk at a wedding like that because maybe that was the point. Like, maybe like y'all gotta be safe. Welcome to golden corral. Like you go like it was so wild. Anyway, sorry. That was like much longer explanation. The wedding was beautiful. I mean, painted picture and honestly, I'm starving, but great. know.
00:10:31
Speaker
So um it was great. um And then we took or we drove into the city Saturday morning. How far away is it from the city? It was like 45 minutes to an hour, oh depending on traffic. everyone like like That is so nice to know. like You have that little slice of paradise so close to the city. like wonder everyone lives there.
00:10:53
Speaker
Yeah. All of my friends that I saw in the city, I was like, you need to go to spend a weekend in Spring Lake. Honestly, it's so gorgeous. And you could rent a little car and drive out there. It was so cute.
00:11:04
Speaker
um So then we spent 24 hours in the city and just bopped around. We had brunch. We had lots of cocktails. And then we went to my favorite restaurant in the city.
00:11:15
Speaker
and it was just a dream, honestly. It was such a good weekend away. Vinny and I had such a good
Settling into New Homes
00:11:21
Speaker
time.
00:11:23
Speaker
it was great. I'm jealous. I'm jealous. Yeah, that sounds fun. Like a little New York minute, literally, of fun. um And I love like a coastal beachy sitch like that.
00:11:37
Speaker
Sounds so fun and good. I'm jealous. And the weather was like perfect. You know, it was like oh yeah low 70s, high 60s. The mornings were chilly, but the afternoons were like were perfect. You know, it was just a plus plus, honestly.
00:11:54
Speaker
We literally did nothing. Like we got invited to go to this like fake Franklin Main Street Festival and we ended up not going. My mom ended up coming in town because she's like, I haven't seen the kids in a while. So she came up here and all we've been doing is frickin prepping for this damn party.
00:12:10
Speaker
and no Yeah, we do. Yeah, which we're sure excited about. But um honestly, just we have got flowers every weekend just to get our backyard filled back up. These people that owned our house before us, he was a flower king. Like we thought we had a lot at the other house. Like our backyard was so cute at our other house. We like filled it with all these wild flowers and stuff. But this house has like so many beds and pots and sections. I'm like,
00:12:41
Speaker
How am I going to keep up with this? This is like my chore for the summer. This is your full-time job. I'm going to be watering the plants. um my God. Yeah. So we did nothing like.
00:12:54
Speaker
Well, honestly, I'm jealous because with everything we've had going like in a row, there's so much i we still want to do with the house. that like Like this office. I mean, I still have this air mattress sitting right here.
00:13:05
Speaker
I just have so many projects I need to do. we we find We got those blinds for Evie's room. I need to hang those. And like I want to hang all the art on the walls that I have. So I'm genuinely looking forward to June of just having every weekend free to like – start to do some like fun decorating things to this house. We're also starting the process of landscaping.
00:13:30
Speaker
Well, nothing will like make you talent into doing that shit until you have people like over, like all of a sudden all art that I've had on the floor for weeks, I'm just nailing it to the wall now. Cause I'm like, what am I doing? Like I'm waiting for the perfect place. Like I'm just going to put it up. Like you can cover a whole thing.
00:13:50
Speaker
So true. So just, I've been going at it with my hammer. You've just been like doing it yourself. i need to do that. I always do it by myself. truly Oh, do you I always wait for Vinny, but maybe I just need to, especially Evie's room. Like I have all of the art. I know exactly where it's going to go. I need to just freaking do it.
00:14:06
Speaker
eyeball it. I'm good at it though. Like I, yeah. Yeah.
00:14:13
Speaker
yeah You are good. i need your help. I need your assistance, honestly. But, well, that's good. I'm so excited for your party. It's going to be so fun.
00:14:25
Speaker
Yeah. Can't wait. um May is just popping off already. And um got it. It's like I used to never really be like a huge spring fan. Like I'm an allergy getter and yada yada. But now that I have kids, like I have a newfound appreciation for how it's making me feel like I'm coming out of my Shell again a little bit And I'm just feeling Good i don't know Yeah Yeah yeah um I feel the same way honestly And i think there's like oh like A culmination of things It's like me really hitting that like Year out of Postpartum plus It's like it really does take a whole year For you to start to feel
00:15:17
Speaker
a little bit normal again. And then also obviously just like really getting settled in this house along with like the weather change, the season change. And then also like, I do think all of the stuff we've had planned for May, like does have something to do with it. It's like, I'm excited about things. I was excited about that trip to New Jersey. I'm excited about this weekend with my friend Keller and going to Disney. Like I'm excited about going to Disney with the girls.
00:15:43
Speaker
I'm excited about Hannah's wedding. Like, It's having stuff planned where you get to like show up and show out a little, you know, like dressing up for a wedding or dressing up for your party or even just like doing something fun like going to Disney. Like it can ah can bring you out of the depths, you know?
00:16:04
Speaker
And even though like you said you were overwhelmed with how much plans you have, like it's still fun. Oh, yeah. Totally. Yeah. Totally. Which is like, really, this is a great segue because, I mean, we, i don't know, I read a post recently
Identity in Motherhood vs. Pre-Motherhood
00:16:18
Speaker
and so did Candice. So this is just yeah divine intervention here where we both were like, man, I'm seeing all this stuff. And we recently in this, in a past episode, talked about, you know, the adventure of groundhogging and stuff.
00:16:33
Speaker
like going through the ins and outs of marriage and just like coming out on the other side. So we thought that this would be a good time to talk about how you find yourself in motherhood because a lot of times it can feel like, whoa, like I'm lost in the mundane or yeah how did I get here? Like I don't even recognize myself anymore. And we were just having like a quick chat about – When do you ever feel like, is there a certain time that you feel like, wow, I'm back or yeah. Or does it ever come back? Or are you just a different version? You know?
00:17:07
Speaker
Yeah. I feel like there's not one right answer
Thriving Beyond Survival Mode in Motherhood
00:17:12
Speaker
here. I kind of feel like it's everyone's on their own journey because i feel like I got my spark back
00:17:24
Speaker
Honestly, i think I got my spark back a little bit earlier with this time around with Evie than I did with my first. And I'm trying to like pinpoint why I feel that way.
00:17:39
Speaker
See, for me, I felt like I got it back and then I reverted back a little. Okay. Like I felt like second time around, I knew what I was doing, yada, yada.
00:17:50
Speaker
So I wasn't as stressed about that part. But then i think it finally took me like putting myself first and losing weight to feel like, damn, I'm back, baby type thing. Yeah.
00:18:05
Speaker
Yeah. I think something I just want to like talk about a little bit and the post that I saw that made me want to like bring this up on the pod and kind of like have this discussion was um I saw someone say that you can't thrive until you like are done surviving, like just surviving.
00:18:27
Speaker
And I think motherhood, ah especially freshly postpartum, and And even just like certain seasons, like sleep regressions and like, um or if, you know, you're having a really tough like toddler stage and all of that stuff. Like if you're in this phase of just being able to survive, if you are like,
00:18:51
Speaker
not getting sleep or if you're not able to like have a meal every day or something like that, like you're not going to be able to feel sparkly and like alive and thriving.
00:19:02
Speaker
And you just have to be okay with like just surviving in the moment. And Also give yourself some grace to be like, hell yeah, I'm making it through this. Like I'm barely hanging on and my eyes twitching and like, I'm not okay, but I'm making it through and there will be a time where I'm thriving and feel sparkly again. Cause you will, yep you will, but you can't do that if you're in like a survival mode and those periods are just inevitable in motherhood, in my opinion.
00:19:34
Speaker
then you're so You're so right. And I feel like this may be like a maybe a postpartum episode or maybe a first year a life episode because I truly feel like they all say that it it takes a year because of all the changes that your baby is going through. And then you're also learning with them like you naming all that stuff like that doesn't include like Oh, now we're adding the anxiety of feeding them for the first time solid food. totally Now, oh, we're transitioning from four naps to three to two to one. Like all that is like kind of stressful and it disrupts a little bit the routine and all those changes.
00:20:18
Speaker
It makes it hard for you to focus on yourself. um Totally. When you're trying to take care of your little ones. So Um, I don't know. Yeah, it it really did. It's like I was there and then I went back and just now I'm back to feeling good again.
00:20:35
Speaker
Yeah. i I was thinking of like when I think about this whole like idea of like getting your spark back. Like I think what I wish I would have known with like my postpartum experience with Alice.
00:20:50
Speaker
And I think why I feel like I got my spark back quicker with Evie is that – Like, I wish I would have known that it's normal to not feel like yourself for a while.
00:21:01
Speaker
And i feel like with Alice, after I had Alice, I was just like waiting to like, feel like me again. i was just like, you know, when it, when is it going to click? Like, when is, when am I going to feel like I'm back to my old self?
00:21:19
Speaker
And I think with Evie, i i had learned through my postpartum experience with Alice that like, I may never feel like exactly like I used to again, but there's like sparkly moments in the postpartum experience where I like feel like a new version of me that is just as amazing and cool. And, yeah,
00:21:45
Speaker
Like, yeah, I don't know. I just if anyone is in this postpartum phase that's listening, like it's OK to not feel OK for a while. no but you will. Like reading that girl's comment made me almost like want to tear up because I've been there. And I feel like a lot of us have been there in that feeling. hmm.
00:22:05
Speaker
And it sucks that that has to be a part of the journey of motherhood because it's something that like universally we're all experiencing as a woman and it is like the coolest thing that you could ever do in my opinion. Like yeah having a child and it sucks that you have to end up like worrying about the other side of it. Like why why do we have to worry about this? Is it the comparative game? Like Oh, I just, it's like a, it's ledge sword there. I don't know.
00:22:37
Speaker
No, it totally is. I know exactly what you mean. It's like, I don't know. It's such a, an interesting like journey through it. Do you feel like men have the same like journey to getting a spark back after having kids?
Do Men Experience Identity Shifts After Children?
00:22:56
Speaker
Maybe for Chris, probably not physically, but mentally, I think we both took a little nosedive after Graydon was born because we were used to a certain lifestyle. um And I mean, your whole life changes.
00:23:10
Speaker
Like, yeah, it's going out to eat all the time. Like now I can't imagine going out to eat all the time. I'm like, what was I doing? Yeah, that was crazy. Um, yeah and it just takes an adjustment. And now like, I, ah like, I thought that that was, i think I've said this before in the past. Like, I thought that that was what life was all about. And now I realize like, this is what life is all about is my life at home with my kids. Like I couldn't be more obsessed. There are fricking hard days. There's days that I'm like, so in the depth that it is,
00:23:46
Speaker
Like, oh my God, will I ever get out of this? And then, yeah and then you see the sun, you know? ah Totally. But it's ongoing rollercoaster there. Yeah, definitely.
00:23:57
Speaker
i think the Another thing like I wish I would have known back in my first postpartum experience is that like the small things do really make a big difference. like It's the 10-minute walk or the getting dressed for a day or putting on some tinted lip balm or... like I think, or even this is a big one for me. It's like just literally putting on some music and like dancing around the kitchen or like just being silly, which is something we've talked about before. I know you're so good at that. Like that's hard for me when I'm not feeling like myself. and
00:24:40
Speaker
I'm sorry. I was being silly yesterday and got fucking hurt. okay oh Silly goofy mood. I was being silly goofy and... Rolled your ankle. Oh my God. Sorry. No, no, no. But I was playing soccer with Graydon and I was like, o like trying to juke him. And I got juked and I, picture it I rolled over like it was, um, it was like a smaller soccer ball and it was, it's a little deflated. So I went to like side kick it and my foot just rolled over it.
00:25:12
Speaker
And I'm telling you, went down like a fucking tree trunk. Like, It was so embarrassing. Like I was an old grandma that was like, Oh, my wrist. And like my elbows all bloody. And I was just Chris was like dying laughing. He was like, he's like, Whitney, sit up.
00:25:29
Speaker
You're making me nervous that you're not getting up. but
00:25:35
Speaker
Y'all don't play too hard, okay? Oh my god, that is so funny. yeah Sorry not to interrupt something. So we are clearly not we're clearly not who we used to be athletically. yeaha it was hard when we were okay.
00:25:50
Speaker
Well, I also rolled my ankle on Saturday in New York City. I tried to jump a little railing to get out of the rain and rolled my ankle so bad. like I actually, like I'm so happy that no one was recording me because if anyone and if I had to see a video of this, I would get the ick about myself so bad. I was sitting at this little cafe table. I had just jumped. I had rolled my ankle.
00:26:10
Speaker
And the way I was breathing over at this little cafe table, I was like,
00:26:17
Speaker
I was like in so much pain and then my ankle hurt so bad all day and Vinny insisted we take the train home from dinner and I was so mad at him and I felt like such a little like bitch but I was just like my ankle hurt so bad.
00:26:33
Speaker
That's how I was. I was like sitting on the ground, like in shock. And Chris was literally like, please, can you move and just see if it works? And I was like, I'm scared. I can't move it. I was freaking out. And I swear i only fell and got hurt because Candace told me that morning that she fell and got hurt. Yeah. I had texted her. It was like, I rolled my ankles so bad. Cause like literally that night when I got back to the hotel, it was like ginormous.
00:26:58
Speaker
Oh my God. Yeah. I thank God we don't, no one robbed me. I'm getting a camera now. Thank God we don't have cameras on my back porch right now because we would have rewatched it and would have been so embarrassing.
00:27:12
Speaker
Oh my God. I wish you did. That'd be so funny. did What did Graydon do? Did he laugh or was he like, are you okay? He's concerned. Like he does not want anyone to get hurt. Like, especially me or Chris. He's like, mommy, Margo got, is the one that got my face and laughed.
00:27:28
Speaker
ah me Oh my god, that's funny. Graydon was like, Mommy, I don't want you to be hurt. And Margot's like, Aha, what are you doing down here? eye level with me, girl. like That is so funny.
00:27:40
Speaker
Sometimes, I mean, one way to get your spark back is to just laugh at yourself. Yeah, that was fun. I really, have I hadn't done that in front of Chris. oh Oh my God. So funny. I thought maybe we could talk about some common spark stealers in motherhood, like some things that drain you and make you feel like you
Motherhood's Energy Drains
00:28:00
Speaker
don't have a spark anymore. i have some examples.
00:28:02
Speaker
Okay, please. ah Obviously, the first most common one is lack of sleep. You become a zombie and you are like not alive.
00:28:13
Speaker
um The other ones are overstimulation. Big one. ah No time for yourself, mental load, burnout, resentment, resentment of your partner, resentment of friends who maybe their life looks different than yours.
00:28:32
Speaker
All that stuff can like really drain you like energetically, you know? Oh my gosh. um Number one and two strike a chord. and Have I said this on here where I watched something and it said ah the newborn parents suffer at night and the toddler parents suffer during the day?
00:28:52
Speaker
Oh my God. Ain't that the truth. So it's like the lack of sleep for newborn and then the overstimulation for the toddlers. Like that's probably what we're going through the most is like, I can finally feel settled, like get dinner on the table, get them their water.
00:29:09
Speaker
I sit down and then it's another question. And then it's, Oh, i have to go to the bathroom. Oh, it's this. And I'm just like, can I just sit? Can I just sit? Yeah. Well, that's why when Alice was going through the whole like wouldn't stay in her bed thing, that was that's why that period almost for me felt harder than the newborn phase and all of that because not only was I struggling in the night, I was also struggling during the day because she was overtired and was like just being a toddler.
00:29:39
Speaker
So that period felt so – like I felt sparkless, let me tell you. had no spark found. Like – I was not okay during that period. Holy moly. feel you, Candice, because of Graydon doing that with yeah the PASI thing. Like, that was two months of my life where I was not well.
00:30:00
Speaker
My God. Oh, man. Rough. Rough, rough, rough. When they go through a sleep regression, my God. yeah you're You're, like, so desperate to figure out what you can do. It's like, please, I'll do anything. yeah Help me.
00:30:16
Speaker
Yeah. um Okay. What are spark givers? Do
Reigniting Passion in Motherhood
00:30:20
Speaker
you have any? Yes. Okay. For me, i don't know. I hope these don't sound like, ah
00:30:29
Speaker
what's the word? Like superficial, but it's just for me, these are the things. Yeah. These are the things that work for me. It is like doing a skincare routine and like just taking care of my skin.
00:30:42
Speaker
Like I just feel better. I feel more put together, all that stuff. Putting on makeup, like truly, if you want to challenge yourself to try and get your spark back, I think this probably did help me in the beginning of January and why it's like challenge yourself to get ready every day. Like I did that at the beginning of this year. Clearly I didn't last, but it did change my perspective on how it affects my day to day life just get up and it doesn't have to be a perfect outfit or anything. It doesn't have to be like flawless makeup every day, but like be intentional, get up and get ready every day. It does change your life. You do feel more confident.
00:31:18
Speaker
Yeah. Um, and then I know I say this and I beat this like a dead horse, go on a girl's trip, go, go to a girl's dinner, have a girl's night out, whatever you need to do. It really does give you some, some spark back for real.
00:31:34
Speaker
Like yes I feel like having the toddler play dates is so fun and easy, but like once you're alone with the girls, you're like, Whoa, like adult time, we can actually talk, talk like it's so nice. Yeah.
00:31:47
Speaker
Yeah. So nice. Um, what else? Um, Oh, I know I've said this before. Like as far as even the, like the spark back also like in your marriage and you feeling like confident in your marriage is like,
00:32:04
Speaker
whenever Vinny and I go out and do something social together, like, and I see him interact in a social way and he sees me interact in a social way, I swear he likes me more. He's like, oh, I'm, she's funny and cool and hot. And like, I remember because other people, I'm seeing the way other people see her.
00:32:21
Speaker
And that's exactly how I feel with Vinny. Sometimes I'm out with him with friends or like, even at that wedding, like I'm seeing how other people see him and I'm like, oh, you're actually great.
00:32:32
Speaker
Forgot for a sec. No, he's great a lot of the time, but you know what i mean? Like for sure. It's, I think that really can be game changing. And then I think it's sometimes as simple as like taking yourself out for a coffee or like, yeah I don't know, like making, like making a recipe that you want to make at home, like just cause you want it and not like what your toddler wants to eat that day. Like, what about you? Any other spark givers?
00:33:05
Speaker
I love shopping. Mm hmm. thought were going to say that. You did? Well, yeah. I mean, our answers are predictable. I know you. you know mine You knew mine for sure.
00:33:16
Speaker
How do you know I like shopping? Oh, please. love shopping. I am my father's daughter. um and it could be shopping for anything. Children's clothes probably is my number one right now.
00:33:28
Speaker
I love home decor. i love clothes for me. Um, I love a knickknack. Oh God. Knickknack, paddywhack, give the dog a bone. That's me. That's me, girl.
00:33:40
Speaker
And, um, I like, I think I, yeah, I did talk about this, like going to that antique show, like sparked something in me where like, that's what I want to do now because of how much energy it gave me that I'm like, I downloaded the estate sale app. Like I am like,
00:33:59
Speaker
shopping vintage shopping like it's fun finding little treasures here and there like I'm on the hunt for certain things so I like doing all that so shopping brings me immense joy um Amazing.
00:34:15
Speaker
And walking. I love walking. Yeah. Getting outside is a big one, I think. like just And that's like with the kids, without the kids. Just getting outside is key. Major key.
00:34:27
Speaker
I don't like getting ready. like It is like a thorn in my side. But when I do and I'm feeling good. Can't nobody tell me nothing. Like, yeah, yeah.
00:34:38
Speaker
And what else brings me joy? A crisp drink on the back patio after a long week. It's so fun to me. Yeah. Playing some tunes with Chris in the backyard. i love that.
00:34:51
Speaker
Yeah. No, that sounds so nice. Wow. I have a bottle of white wine in the fridge. It's literally 12 o'clock on a Wednesday, but I'm like, that sounds so good.
00:35:03
Speaker
Yeah. you know Hey, sometimes you can drink during the week sometimes. um Yeah. I'm trying to withhold until my party, but you never know. Twist my arm.
00:35:14
Speaker
yeahy Yeah. If Chris was like, I'm having wine tonight, I'd be like, me too. Yeah. Yeah. I think um there is, i saw one question in the conversation of this whole like idea that I think is interesting. And it's like, how do you differentiate between needing rest and needing to like do something to feel a spark again?
00:35:38
Speaker
Unfortunately, I always pick rest. I'm a wrestler. Like I, need and I know that that's probably wrong, but like I always choose to lay.
00:35:50
Speaker
i think that I probably fall on the other end of the spectrum. I'm doing too much most of the time. I do not like leaving my house very often. Like if I'll get out like once a day and it's usually in the morning after drop off with the kids, like if I'm going to go anywhere really quick, it's then.
00:36:08
Speaker
Otherwise I'm not leaving my house to go run errands. I don't like doing that. And I'm, and I never leave the house at night. Like we stay in.
00:36:18
Speaker
Okay. I just don't, I think own body that way. Yeah.
00:36:38
Speaker
Oh my god, that was so crazy.
00:36:46
Speaker
a sip of water and then then I opened my mouth and it was like, ah holy moly. Wow. I might have to leave that in or post that clip on stories. That was so crazy.
00:37:00
Speaker
um Anywho, I feel like the rest part is hard for me a lot of the time Sometimes I'm like trying to do too much to like make myself feel better, like whether that's like cleaning or. Well, I always clean too.
00:37:17
Speaker
Or like throwing myself into work or something like that. um And I've gotten better at it, I think. I've gotten better at communicating to Vinny specifically because Vinny is the ultimate doer. He never sits still. He never rests, truly. His mind never rests.
00:37:33
Speaker
He never rests. So it's really hard because especially if he – like up and spinning and doing things, i feel like I can't. e I'm like, I'm not allowed or something. So I, but I will, I've gotten better at flat out being like, listen, I have to lay here. I'm so sorry. Like, or I'm sometimes I don't even say sorry. Like I deserve times too.
00:37:55
Speaker
Like if he's moot running and gunning, he feels like I should be too. here That's a common thing in our marriage that we, like talk about in therapy constantly is like if I'm not just because I'm not doing exactly what Vinny is doing or being as productive as him it doesn't mean that I'm failing or doing anything or like doing a bad job or that I'm less like I contribute less or anything you know I saw something about this and um
00:38:26
Speaker
And Vinny and I have like similar aspects about ourselves where he like has a list in his mind. And if you aren't following it without him communicating it, he feels like you're doing it wrong, even though he never communicated what the list was to do or what his expectations were. And so he gets frustrated. I do that sometimes.
00:38:48
Speaker
too like I have a list of things that i want done and if Chris has already made plans I'm like what you made plans how me so I feel him a little there yeah Okay. Have you ever had like a breaking point moment that made you realize as or that made you realize you need to like make a change to like yourself again? Hello? Did I not talk about it in exhausting ways? um
00:39:25
Speaker
My belly button was coming inside out and I was like, this is disgusting. What is wrong with me? Yeah. My fat. is here Wait, that's your breaking point moment?
Rediscovering the Spark: Support and Self-Reflection
00:39:36
Speaker
Yeah. It was in January when I had to have surgery. I was like, I hate myself. And I got on the scale before Christmas and after Christmas. And I wanted to scream into the pillow.
00:39:48
Speaker
I was more so thinking like mentally. and That was my mental change for me. um I needed that. Okay. I don't know. I think for me, like the whole reworking my work schedule definitely is one of them. Like I just was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm stretched so many different ways. Like I can't keep like working my life like this. Like I'm just struggling. In fact, I saw someone post in the mom group chat Facebook group about part-time working.
00:40:17
Speaker
I was like, I need to write in there. It's what I have learned. um But yeah, I don't know. I, I think if you do have one of those breaking point moments, it's important to like dive a little bit deeper into it and like do some self-reflection and be like, what what exactly is it that's not working? Like for me with the work thing, it was that I was still feeling split no matter what I was doing. Like I was working, but I still felt like I was kind of like taking care of the kids and –
00:40:48
Speaker
vice versa. So it's important to like, just dive a little bit deeper into figure out exactly what it is. Or if it's like, you're uncomfortable, you're like, I feel shitty in my body. Like, I don't like the way I feel. i don't like the way I look in pictures. Like, what is it exactly? And how can you make a change for the positive? And then I think it's important to like, get the people in your life on board, like your husband, your partner, or your whatever, be like, Hey, it's an, it's needs to be a priority for me to fit walks into my evenings or to fit one workout class a weekend or i don't know, whatever you want it to be.
00:41:25
Speaker
But no one is going to get your spark back other than you. Like you're the, you're the person who has to make space for it, I think. And if you're ready for it, make space for it, you know?
00:41:41
Speaker
That and like outsourcing as much as possible. Like pre-kids. I probably would. I mean, I never had like a house cleaner. Like we we didn't cut or we cut our own yard. Like now I would pay three times to have someone.
00:41:56
Speaker
clean my house and like do the landscaping for me. Cause I just don't, we don't have the time or like, don't have the time to deep clean every toilet every week or every other week. totally It's like those things like are game changers. So anytime you can outsource help, find a great babysitter, like those things are game changing.
00:42:17
Speaker
100 percent 100 percent glad we had this conversation just because like i know we have new listeners who have some kids that are just like younger and now that like i feel like we're moving into this next stage where we have only have toddlers I'm like, I just want to remember that we have um moms of with all ages and stages.
00:42:42
Speaker
So it's good to bring up topics that maybe don't pertain to us as much anymore, but hopefully resonate with some of you. um And just know, like, we still go in and out of feeling that way, too.
00:42:54
Speaker
Yeah. You should know that if you are feeling sparkless right now, like you're not alone in feeling that way and that you're not flawed, you're not broken. This is honestly, i think just a little bit a part of motherhood and you're going to get it back.
00:43:12
Speaker
Okay, everyone should go and listen to the song Bejeweled by Taylor Swift because it is my ultimate get your spark back song. And anytime I need to feel some spark, that's also one of my tools is I just turn on Bejeweled.
00:43:27
Speaker
And remember that you still got it. Okay? And hopefully, like, hearing us, like, being, our children being, like, 12-ish months and 20 months, like, we're here.
00:43:37
Speaker
We're good. Like, hopefully it gives you some inkling of hope. Like, you're you're in the final stretch. So... yeah You got this.
00:43:48
Speaker
We love you. For sure. We love you so much. Bye. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there.
00:44:04
Speaker
All right. Got to go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.