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EP 26 Visas: The Global Rite of Bureaucratic Passage – a humorous take
21 Plays11 days ago
Raise your hand if you have ever gone through the visa process for either travel or moving abroad. Then you know how it feels to fill in endless forms, sit in soul-draining beige waiting rooms, wait for your number to be called, and finally, finally receive your visa. This week the Auto Ethnographer does a humorous take on the visa process. Hopefully you chuckle, because the other option is crying.
John Stech, host of the Auto Ethnographer summarizes his experiences into a humorous account of visa obtainment based on experience in Egypt, Russia, Brazil, Thailand, and many others.
As diverse as countries and cultures are, it seems that visa agents worldwide conspired to align themselves and make a bureaucratic slog of it across the planet.
Here’s a 10 minute summary. Perhaps you will learn something. Perhaps you will laugh. Or perhaps you will put your head back in your hands while you listen to this in a consular office.
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Transcript
Introduction to The Auto Ethnographer
00:00:00
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And then there's the photo, the visa photo, that tiny square of doom. And every country wants a different size.
00:00:12
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Hello and welcome to The Auto Ethnographer. I'm John Steck, your host on this journey. We travel the globe to bring you stories about culture and the global automotive industry.
The Visa Experience
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Fasten your seatbelt and let's get started.
00:00:25
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Hello and welcome to this episode of Auto Ethnographer. fellow travelers, passport stamp collectors, automotive industry globetrotters, and survivors of fluorescent lit purgatory.
00:00:40
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Today I'm diving into one of the most universally unifying experiences of international life, the visa process. Let's call this episode, Visas, the golden rite of bureaucratic passage.
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My inspiration for reflecting on visas came this week while spending an afternoon in a Thai visa center, watching the screen at the front of the room and waiting for my number to be called.
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It led me to recall my time spent in Egyptian, Russian, Brazilian, and many other visa centers. I ended up having enough time to scratch some notes for today's podcast.
Humor in Bureaucracy
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Yes, the visa process is that sacred ritual where your dreams of sipping espresso in Rome or teaching yoga in Bali are held hostage by a small rectangle of paper and a bureaucrat.
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So let's begin where all visa journeys start, the waiting room. You walk in full of hope. You've got your documents, your passport,
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your proof of income, your proof of address, your proof of existence, and if you're lucky, your proof that you once smiled at a puppy just in case they ask for character reference.
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As they all are, the room is beige, not taupe, not sand, beige, the color of surrender. The chairs are plastic,
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molded to fit i don't know what kind of human being and there's a digital screen that says now serving a zero zero six you look down at the paper in your hand and you see you have a one one seven you do the math you realize you're not just waiting you're aging You take a photo of yourself before and after just to see if your gray hair status has changed.
Forms and Photo Requirements
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And then comes the form filling. Oh, those forms. There's the visa application form, the biometric form, the health declaration, the financial affidavit, the I swear I'm not a criminal form,
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and the mysterious form 1047B, which no one understands, but everyone fills out because it's stapled to the others. Every country, of course, has its own paperwork.
00:03:21
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In Germany, it's precise. In Italy, it's passionate, but missing page three. In Thailand, as with everything, it comes with a smile and a photocopy of your soul.
00:03:36
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And in the U S it's 47 pages long and asks if you've ever been involved in espionage, genocide, or my personal favorite moral turpitude.
00:03:51
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No, really that is in there. That sounds like a Victorian disease. i'm I'm afraid he's come down with a case of moral turpitude.
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It's very contagious. Let's talk about the questions that they might ask. Have you ever overstayed a visa? Have you ever been denied entry?
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Have you ever committed a crime? Have you ever had a nickname? Have you ever been known by any other name? Have you ever been known by any other face?
00:04:26
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Have you ever been a shape shifter? Okay, maybe not the last one, but it feels pretty close but based on all of the other questions that you're being asked. And then there's the photo, the visa photo, that tiny square of doom.
00:04:46
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And every country wants a different size, two inch by two inch, 1.4 inch by inch. 4 centimeters by 6 centimeters.
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Every single one is different. You can never reuse them for a second purpose. You're told no smiling, no glasses, no shadows, no joy.
00:05:13
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You must look exactly like you've just been told that your vacation has been canceled and your cat has run off and joined a cult.
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You submit the photo, you look at it, you wonder, is this how I'm going to be remembered? Is this photo my legacy? Now, if you're lucky, you get to do all of this online, which means you get to experience the joy of uploading a PDF that's 0.1 megabyte large.
00:05:50
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too large Or trying to scan a document that refuses to lie flat like a rebellious teenager. or navigating a website that was clearly designed by someone who hates travelers and hates fonts.
The Wait and The Reward
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And then comes the waiting. The glorious soul-crushing waiting. You check your mail. Nothing.
00:06:20
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You check the portal, still processing. You check your horoscope, it says avoid paperwork. You check your refrigerator, still empty.
00:06:35
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And you check your sanity, questionable. Weeks go by, you forget what country you were even applying for. You forget why you wanted to go.
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You almost forget your own name. You become one with the void. And then, miracle of miracles, it arrives.
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The visa. Glorious. Stamped. Approved. You hold it up like the winning team holds the FIFA World Cup trophy.
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You whisper, we did it. Maybe you cry a little, then you book your flight.
The Hero's Journey of Visas
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Then as you look closer, you realize it's valid for 30 days, single entry, non-extendable, and it starts tomorrow.
00:07:37
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So you rush, you pack, you fly, you arrive and an immigration, they look at your visa, look at you and ask,
00:07:48
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What is the purpose of your visit? And you say, to survive this conversation. Because the truth is, visas aren't just documents.
00:08:00
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They're tests. They're quests. They're the bureaucratic equivalent of a hero's journey. You start naive. You face trials.
00:08:11
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You battle dragons, or maybe bureaucrats. And you emerge changed. So to all of you out there filling out forms, waiting in rooms, scanning documents and praying to the gods of consular affairs, I salute you.
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You're brave, you're resilient, perhaps even slightly traumatized, and you're not alone. This has been your global guide to visa survival with some humor.
00:08:46
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May your forms be complete, your photos be shadowless, and your waiting rooms have functioning Wi-Fi. Until next time, keep your passport close and keep on driving.
Closing Encouragement
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Thank you for joining us on today's journey. Please remember to like and subscribe to The Auto Ethnographer and leave us a rating or comment. For more information, visit our website at auto-ethnographer.com.
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