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Boundaries
107 Plays6 years ago
The concept of boundaries is something I've never really fully appreciated and understood through action, let alone been 'good at' implementing. I've often viewed them as something they are not and myself as someone I do not want to be within their limits. I'm working to reframe and reshape how I view boundaries, both their purpose and utilization for myself and others around me, so they can facilitate forward progress.
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Transcript
Introduction to Boundaries
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello. Okay, so today, I would like to talk about something that I've I'm really not that good at. I don't think I'm alone in that. And I don't think it's a necessarily a bad thing. But it's something that, you know, I've been trying to kind of work through. I've been trying to
00:00:28
Speaker
you know, work with K as well. We've been trying to work together on them. And it's this notion of like boundaries. And yeah, I was talking to somebody at the gym this weekend. And you know, boundaries came up. And
00:00:46
Speaker
how it's really challenging. And so for people that have ambitions and aspirations and are kind of go getters, you know, the notion of a boundary or something stopping you from doing something that you see maybe a little bit of value in is a tough kind of space to navigate in.
00:01:07
Speaker
You know, Kay and I, we work generally for ourselves and it's a rather formless and structure-less type of work environment in that
00:01:23
Speaker
Unfortunately, sometimes the bedroom is also the office and the kitchen table has been the office. It just sort of can really become a challenging environment to operate in when there is no real boundary to things.
Understanding Boundaries as Limits or Guides
00:01:46
Speaker
Again, it comes from a good place, I think.
00:01:49
Speaker
It comes from a place of, you know, wanting to work hard and wanting to pursue things and, you know, this whole notion of a boundary, what happens, it requires you, requires me to say no. And I'm really good at saying no at some things.
00:02:10
Speaker
and awful at saying no to other things and You know the things i'm good at saying no to I should probably say yes a little bit more too and uh and the things I I I say yes to I should definitely say no to so it's it's an interesting thing when you look at that and and and you just kind of reflect on like
00:02:31
Speaker
what are my boundaries and and what does that even mean and what's the purpose of them so it's just been a thing I've been sort of no pun intended like bumping up against and frankly struggling with and the one of the reasons why I think I've had an issue with it is because there haven't been any boundaries
00:02:58
Speaker
you know for whatever reason my experiences have sort of been been absent of boundaries and for some of the pursuits that that I've had and I've undertaken
00:03:14
Speaker
I viewed boundaries as a unnecessary fabrication of a potential limit and really had a adverse view towards a boundary because I thought like, well, if I want to pursue something that's challenging and not a lot of people get to do or whatever,
00:03:39
Speaker
Nothing is off the table. Everything is on the table. Everything is up for review and pursuing and tackling. While I don't think that's entirely flawed or bad, that mode of thinking and that mindset of no boundaries
00:04:00
Speaker
Definitely has an impact into other areas and over a prolonged period of time Training and programming yourself to not even consider a boundary not even consider saying no to something You know leaving something, you know, not putting something on the table you know, it's been a it's been like an adversarial type relationship or viewpoint towards that and
The Role of Boundaries in Avoiding Chaos
00:04:26
Speaker
That spills over into other areas of life personal family relationships entertainment recreation, you know, those are some things that I I
00:04:41
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like I'm probably deficient in quite a few of them. And the desire to work, to work more, to work harder, to always be going and striving to improve while admirable in some ways certainly comes with, you know, some pitfalls in others.
00:04:59
Speaker
And so that's kind of where I'm at with with with Boundaries and feel like this is a good platform. It's a good time to kind of dive in and talk about it a little bit more and work through some work through some some of the things and
00:05:16
Speaker
You know, I guess the first thing that comes to mind is why are they important? Are they important? And in my experiences, what I'm learning more and more is like they are of vital importance. My situation in life right now
00:05:36
Speaker
Such that it is it is essential to have boundaries It's it's incredibly important to me to have boundaries because I know what the effect can be without them and Some of those challenges and and pitfalls that I've stumbled into or jumped right into or ran into or whatever You know have been let's say they've been
00:06:08
Speaker
feeling like just everything is going on at once and trying to juggle 15 balls and keep them all up in the air. And they're all of equal importance. And if you drop one of them, then you're going to drop all of them kind of thing. And so I have experienced that not having boundaries, um,
00:06:32
Speaker
has created unnecessary chaos and an environment that's unnecessarily overwhelming.
00:06:44
Speaker
And that is okay, I think, to operate in short periods of time. Like, hey, a project comes up or timeline or something that has a sensitive time component to it. Like, yeah, you might have to operate in the chaos and in the fray a little bit, but it's not a sustainable or effective long-term approach to living.
00:07:08
Speaker
And if you guys out there are like, you're good on your boundaries, I'm sorry to bore you. But hey, man, this is kind of where I'm at. So, you know, why are they important? Yeah, for me, they're important to provide some structure, to provide some guidance and hedge against what I have found to be the 360 degree kind of got to do it all fighting multiple fronts kind of deal.
00:07:38
Speaker
And it's just not effective. It's not efficient, it's not effective. It's certainly not sustainable. It fatigues you, I think, way more than it probably should. So one task that's being influenced by all these other things going on,
00:08:00
Speaker
probably requires more effort and isn't at the quality it could be if it was just focused on a little bit more. And so boundaries are a way of establishing that structure without it being so overly structured.
Struggles with Self-Worth and Boundaries
00:08:21
Speaker
Because that's another thing that's another thing personally that I struggle with and talk about that a little bit later.
00:08:30
Speaker
Yeah, so I definitely think they're important. I've come to really appreciate their importance, the importance of boundaries as a direct cause of their absence. And so for me, it's definitely something that I'm working on. I'm definitely working on.
00:08:50
Speaker
working on it doesn't mean it doesn't come with its challenges. If anything, it means that a lot of its challenges are highlighted. And that challenge of establishing a boundary or just a general approach to a boundary
00:09:10
Speaker
is really cool because when I think about a boundary, I think generally of like task oriented. So I want to perform this task, I need to have that boundary set up to facilitate movement. And
00:09:27
Speaker
so that I can complete the task. But then the challenge of actually establishing the boundary is, for me, generally not like an obstacle in the pursuit of that task. It's much more internal and personal so that it's like,
00:09:52
Speaker
It's like this thing that your personal worth or your capacity and ability all of a sudden becomes in question.
Types of Boundaries and Personal Challenges
00:10:04
Speaker
And for me, it's been one of those things like, okay, well, if I'm saying I need to do this and in order to do this, I can't do that.
00:10:15
Speaker
What is that saying about me that I'm saying I can't do that and it gets into this weird weird realm of
00:10:27
Speaker
Yeah, just like self judgment, inadequacy, questioning ability and, and, you know, also questioning like, how important is this thing to me? Or what is its value? And when you start to or when I start to
00:10:50
Speaker
assign a hierarchy of importance to things, while I understand that it's entirely necessary, it shines a little bit of a light on like, well, am I making a mistake? Should that be more important than this? Or why is this more important than that? And of course, some things are easier to establish, but those easier ones aren't the ones I'm talking about. Those aren't the struggles of the boundaries that I'm talking about.
00:11:20
Speaker
the aspiration and the ambition and the desire to grow and develop and evolve often makes it difficult to say no. Being a small business owner, starting to really focus on the between the ears business more than just kind of like a hobby, it sometimes is daunting to say, well, I'm not going to
00:11:50
Speaker
Take this opportunity or I'm not going to do this or I'm not going to do that and instead I'm gonna you know focus on this other thing You know, you always have that question like well, is that is that the right call? Is that a mistake? Is that should I be doing something else or should I be doing more or you know, I don't want to I don't want to be just convenient with things and so it gets into this whole whole
00:12:18
Speaker
kind of cyclone effect of your own personal stuff. So that's definitely one of the challenges that I've experienced with establishing some boundaries.
00:12:35
Speaker
When I look at the boundaries, I see a couple different types. You know, there's obviously physical space. And in my relationship with K, what has been
00:12:52
Speaker
What has been interesting to view and challenging to adapt to really has been for years we weren't in the same time zone or we were hundreds of miles apart.
00:13:08
Speaker
And the physical space was the obvious boundary. So in the day to day, we weren't together. There would be long periods of time without communication. And then all of a sudden, when we would get back together or spend a weekend, you know, that boundary, we were contained within a boundary that was like our personal time.
00:13:33
Speaker
and because the the boundary of just physical geography was such that it prevented us from seeing each other when we did see each other like we really had an appreciation and uh a respect for that time because we knew it was so precious and it was it was very limited and it was short term in terms of you know a weekend or a three or four day kind of thing so
00:14:03
Speaker
types of boundaries being like a physical boundary. There's certainly that. And then there's also the like personal boundary of willingness. And I think that is where the real that's where the real challenges become. And that's where they get they get deeper.
00:14:26
Speaker
So, you know, your willingness to do something comes with an emotion behind it that, for me at least, has been really tough to accept.
Practical Examples of Boundaries in Structured Environments
00:14:43
Speaker
And mostly, for me, it's easier to say, I'm willing to do that.
00:14:51
Speaker
It's much harder for me to say I'm unwilling to do that because when I say I'm unwilling to take this meeting or take that call or do this or do that.
00:15:02
Speaker
there's a red flag that gets like waved in front of my face, which is, who are you to say that you're unwilling? What, are you better than that? Are you above this? And I know my thought is no, I'm not. I just know it won't probably serve my greater intent if I keep getting sidetracked or if I keep chasing these other things.
00:15:32
Speaker
But even though I know that, the challenge becomes in really kind of believing and executing that like, nope, I am okay. I am accepting the fact that I am unwilling to do this or that.
00:15:51
Speaker
you know that's been a tough one that that's definitely been a tough one and i think one of the things that has helped me has been looking at boundaries through how they've presented themselves in my life from an experience standpoint that have been
00:16:10
Speaker
that have been positive, that have been there, that their purpose has been very obvious, but I might have just not appreciated it at the time. In the tactical environment, they're everywhere. Boundaries are everywhere.
00:16:25
Speaker
you know there's anything from like if you're on a patrol or you know doing some sort of tactical operation you know there's fields of fire if you're in a unit you're in an order of movement there's other people around you so you have to be aware of yourself your position your field of fire as well as theirs
00:16:55
Speaker
Now there's physical and non-physical within that. So if you're, let's say, I don't mean to get all tactical and military honest, but like, if you're laying in an ambush and you've got the, you know, the two 40, a big machine gun.
00:17:11
Speaker
the things that are around you are definitely friendlies. And further, you know, left or right are going to be some security elements. And you don't want, you do not want to endanger them by having a field of fire that extends into their position.
Adaptability in Real-Life Boundaries
00:17:32
Speaker
And so that is a boundary that is
00:17:36
Speaker
obviously very important to have set and established so how do you set it so you can you know use a physical part on the tripod or whatever that you that you have and you can set a hard stop
00:17:51
Speaker
You can know like okay that's where they are that's where the friendlies are i'm gonna come in a little bit and that's gonna be my stopping point because obviously i don't wanna risk loss of life from from friendly so. You know that's okay if that's good if you have a tripod with a hard stop.
00:18:14
Speaker
you know, field expedient type thing, it's like, oh, the, the, the training example is always like, okay, well, from this tree to that tree, like, okay, all the trees look the same. But the point is, you know, to obviously say like, there's an
00:18:33
Speaker
there's an external object here to guide you and to tell you when when you're gonna, when you're gonna reach when you've gone too far. Of course, there's some significant challenges in that when one, everything looks the same to there's no trees around. And three, it's what about it when it's at night, and you can't really see anything. And
00:19:00
Speaker
There's a bunch of flashes going on. So, you know, it can become squirrely real quick when, when that's the real world. And that's the whole thing. Like if real world versus, versus, you know, doctrine, man, they're so different and real world versus what you read in a book.
00:19:25
Speaker
real world versus something that's clean and structured and organized and briefs really well looks sexy on slides and Yeah, yeah, I got my system going and then you know life happens and you're like, whoa, hold on a second This is totally different. I didn't plan for that and so, you know establishing a boundary that is
00:19:47
Speaker
effective, essentially only on paper, and not in life, is very common. At least that's what I see. I see that very common with myself and also with some folks I work with. You know, it's like the system is set, but the system isn't the ultimate purpose.
00:20:16
Speaker
you know, things aren't always going to be so clean and controllable and mechanical. Just that's the life and the human factor and Murphy's Murphy's law and all that kind of thing. You know, yeah, I mean, the effectiveness is not the boundary itself, but what it can, what it helps facilitate or mitigate. And I think sometimes we get wrapped up in like, having the
00:20:45
Speaker
day planned down to the minute and noble in its intention but so so structured and rigid something that doesn't plan in a little buffer room or the ability to flex and adapt that is my experience a recipe for disaster you know everything so crammed into a day that
00:21:15
Speaker
somebody gets into an accident and you've allocated 30 seconds of buffer space, now what? And what's the domino effect on that? Looking at boundaries, it might be somewhat paradoxical in saying the boundary needs to accommodate for chaos.
00:21:43
Speaker
And the desire to control everything directly and negatively impacts your ability to have that boundary be effective. So.
00:22:04
Speaker
One of the things in that is, and this was definitely something from like a tactical thing too, is like the dynamic and fast paced always changing environment means that the, that the boundaries are likely going to change rather quickly. And no, no, no plan or no map or no slide is going to obviously update in real time. So there has to be that awareness of the intention and the purpose
00:22:33
Speaker
Of the boundary and how it can adapt and evolve as you continue to move you know, and I think that I've I've I've struggled a little bit with With the notion of a boundary moving with me if it's even there and
00:22:53
Speaker
You know, if you're driving down a highway and there's the center median or the center barricade and the road starts to kind of veer to the right, yeah, that, that barricade, that boundary is also going to veer to the right.
00:23:13
Speaker
and to the left, and depending upon which way the road is generally traveling, yeah, that thing cannot just continue in a straight line. And so when I think about my path and boundaries and what they're there for, it helps me to kind of think about like, all right, it's there to facilitate safe and effective movement from point A to point B.
Setting, Respecting, and Adapting Boundaries
00:23:38
Speaker
It's there to keep the things that need to be kept in in and the things that need to be kept out out.
00:23:43
Speaker
And therefore, that's the intention, that's the purpose, how can I go about establishing them to be adaptive and to kind of roll with me?
00:23:59
Speaker
while also being aware of not just being like, well, you know, convenient here that are, yeah, I know the boundaries there, but I'm screwed. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna blow, blow past it. You know, and if, and if, okay, so if you think about a road, like that's the, that's the, that's the yellow lines. Like that's the lanes, you know, yeah, they're boundaries, but
00:24:24
Speaker
they're not really like they're so easy to just blow past and change and you know even double yellows and all that kind of stuff everybody drives so you get it but the the the boundary ironically enough what's funny about that is and we're you know close to the city in New York City so you go into the Lincoln or the Holland and like you it's amazing it's like the best
00:24:53
Speaker
It's just amazing. It's a great example of the capacity of people to actually follow the rules. But just like, generally speaking, they choose not to. Um, but in the tunnel, you know, you don't, you don't change lanes in a tunnel. The last thing you want is an accident and everybody follows along. Everybody stays in their lane. It's incredible. It's like that, that two strips of paint are the, those are the most effective two strips of traffic control paint ever.
00:25:24
Speaker
So it is possible. It's just that generally with convenience and prioritizing what you might want or your poor planning, we just blow over those so often. But it is possible, believe it or not. It is possible. So from a non-tactical standpoint, and I struggle with this too because
00:25:51
Speaker
there's understanding conceptually how I want to establish a boundary. And then there's actually like doing it. And you know, I don't know if I have any good like tips or tricks or, or anything like that, um, outside of like just striving to really be aware and to listen and to be present so that I can, I can,
00:26:20
Speaker
see changes, I can kind of measure and take note of impacts and just have a little, just have more awareness as to the impact and the effect of actions. And like, yeah, being aware is the root of that. And that's not just externally, obviously. Internally, like, all right, I'm saying
00:26:50
Speaker
I'm going to say no to this, or I'm going to step away from that, or I'm going to limit myself in this setting, or in this function, so that I can do something that is super important to me, or that I want to do. You know, being aware of the impact of that. And then, you know, when, because it will happen, something will push against it, and you will get pushback.
00:27:19
Speaker
how strong is that boundary? Does it how does it cave? Does it bow? Does it flex? I mean, if you think about the road, like the guardrail, we've all seen that stuff just get chewed up like tinfoil. And then there's the like concrete barriers you see outside of government buildings. And you know, a car hits that and like
00:27:36
Speaker
the car's gonna be in order to hurt. So how strong is the boundary that we establish for ourselves? And I think when I look at why I'm establishing it in the first place, that kind of helps me just do a little pulse check on its strength. And then it's just a matter too of seeing like, all right, well, when something brushes up against it, when something tests it a little bit,
00:28:05
Speaker
That's the only way I'm going to know. That's the only way I'm going to know a couple of things like, is the boundary strong? Is it effective? Does it, is it still relevant?
00:28:19
Speaker
So having that awareness and having that presence has been helpful for me. And so I've noticed like, you know, I'm doing a lot less kind of day to day operations at the gym, stepping down from that role and, you know, there's some challenges with that for me. I've, you know, I've definitely
00:28:46
Speaker
That hasn't been like an easy thing. It's not a light switch. Um, the desire to do good work is very compelling and the gym is an amazing place. And you know, I have the benefit and the fortune of working with my amazing wife and, and, and in it. And like, there's so much good stuff happening. There's so many good people involved that why wouldn't you want to be a part of that?
00:29:16
Speaker
But personally, I know that it's also, it's not serving me in the way, I think it should, or it's not serving me in the way I need. And so to step down from that is, for me, that's been a huge boundary. It's been a huge boundary personally for me, but also collectively for Kay and I, because you want to talk about no boundaries. I mean, 24 seven was work.
00:29:47
Speaker
and good work because it's it's valuable work it's changing people's lives it's it's it's it's amazing stuff but just no boundary and and that's that that has taken a huge toll on us and anybody out there that you know either runs their own operation or works with their their their significant other or just a general partnership
00:30:15
Speaker
Yeah, that no boundary thing, man, it's it's a constant burden. It's a constant load. And the thing about load is like after time, like its effects, nobody's nobody's invincible to the effects of loading. Yeah, so so that that's been tough to
00:30:40
Speaker
That's been tough to honor. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it. It requires way more awareness and way more awareness of being intentional with things. And it's not going to happen just because I wrote down on a piece of paper, this is the boundary.
00:31:01
Speaker
you know, it just doesn't work that way. Setting the boundary is one thing, upholding it and honoring it and respecting it is entirely different. And
00:31:13
Speaker
That's like the internal versus the external. The external being set the boundary, establish it, boom, there you go. The internal being, okay, now respect it. Let it do its job.
Small Boundaries as a Buffer Against Chaos
00:31:24
Speaker
And if you were wrong in establishing it, okay, you can always adjust, bring it down, build it up, whatever. But it has to be respected and honored and upheld. And then complimented with a presence and awareness to see, is this working? Giving it some time, having some patience with that.
00:31:44
Speaker
Yeah, it's not easy. But I will say it's been super good. It really has been.
00:31:57
Speaker
And I, and it's been cool for me too, because I, I, I, I think I viewed boundaries as, uh, forms of it's like self imprisonment in the past. And of course, like that's not gonna.
00:32:17
Speaker
You're not going to have a good relationship with a boundary if you view it as you're imprisoning yourself. This has been a good one because it's not a form of self-imprisonment. It helps facilitate effective and dynamic freedom of maneuver.
00:32:38
Speaker
And that's been awesome to say like, Hey, I'm going to take something away so that I can, you know, add other stuff or, you know, take a step back so I can take two steps forward or kind of something like that. Um, yeah, that's been, that's been great. You know, the boundary helps, helps protect and, and serve something in your pursuit. And that's been, that's been super good. Um,
00:33:08
Speaker
Obviously, not easy, but necessary. Absolutely necessary.
00:33:19
Speaker
moving forward you know one of the things that I've been looking at is how can I continue to how can I continue to view just little little boundaries like not major ones okay so not something major like
00:33:40
Speaker
Stepping down from you know, like a job or quitting your job or whatever, but like just little Little boundaries because for me again the the The deficiency and the the overwhelming absence was any boundary. So there's no boundary To establish them effectively
00:34:04
Speaker
and to get practice respecting them. I can't swing for the fences. So the little boundaries, the little micro boundaries. Yeah, maybe those are like the lane markers and the paint on the road. Okay, not this tunnel of a structure. And so,
00:34:33
Speaker
That's been something that has, has been helpful is just kind of going through the day and being like, all right, I know I want to continue movement. I want to continue to seek progress. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want to be idle. Um, and I also know that some of the challenges that come with, with what I'm doing is a lack of structure, not going to build this crazy overstructure sort of, you know, labyrinth of, of, of the path.
00:35:04
Speaker
But I also need to have some sort of insurance policy or hedge to mitigate the whirlwind spiral that can happen. And so
00:35:16
Speaker
using boundaries to help serve and facilitate forward movement and forward progress, little things that don't require a ton of thought or a ton of physical assets or anything like that, that's been very helpful for me. Things like
00:35:45
Speaker
Things like just kind of limiting myself, maybe putting a timer on it. So, you know, hey, I'm going to just try to focus on this for an hour. And then I understand that during that hour, something else is going to try to steal its time and having the ability to be in that moment, say like, okay, this is actually important, you know, emergency kind of call comes in.
00:36:07
Speaker
But if everything is an emergency, then you got to kind of look at how your what your ranking structure and how you assign hierarchy to things goes. And frankly, like, yeah, because there's been situations in the past where everything has been an emergency, and everything is a 10. And no, not everything is a 10. Few things are a 10. The other thing that has been helpful for me, and this is a little bit more just kind of ethereal, but
00:36:38
Speaker
One of the things that I really came to appreciate from a tactical standpoint was boundaries and limits serve as a way to deconflict and avoid confusion in a chaotic environment, while also serving to improve the effectiveness of everyone else. And, you know, it's, it's not, it's, you know, I say this probably all the time, but like, it's not about you.
00:37:05
Speaker
Yes, you are benefiting from, or you need to contribute, but there's other things at play there. And so I think that something in the past that has prevented me from having a healthy relationship with Boundaries has been like, you're just being selfish. And I don't want to be selfish. I do not want to be selfish.
00:37:28
Speaker
But all the things I talked about going into formulating a boundary and honoring it and unwilling to do other things like, man, for me, that, that like pings me in the selfish way. So then, you know, to fight that you're like, okay, I'm going to be selfless. And then by being selfless, you're formless and you have no structure and it's just like this around and around we go. So in looking at, in looking at, um,
00:37:56
Speaker
Some past experiences like, yeah, so that boundary is going to help de-conflict things such as, you know, where bullets go, um, where elements move so that they avoid confusion and chaos. Cause the environment's going to be chaotic anyway, dynamic and changing.
00:38:14
Speaker
But also it helps add effectiveness to the overall, you know, team or units, um, uh, operations or whatever, or actions, you know? And so from a tactical standpoint, like, yeah, Hey, interlocking fields of fire is awesome. You've got, you got good wide coverage. What does that mean? Like non-tactical, you've got your bases covered. You have a, a, you're not missing anything, um,
00:38:38
Speaker
And you have a good approach, good wide approach, generally covering the important things. So, you know, setting a boundary, it's not just for you. It's not just for you. It helps with relationships.
00:38:59
Speaker
It helps with establishing expectations of how others can approach you as well. And it provides others an opportunity to, to help you or to help me. And that's been, that's been, that's been awesome. You know, and so when I look now at a boundary,
00:39:22
Speaker
I see that the worth and the utility is something that I, yes, will definitely personally benefit from.
Balancing Structure and Flexibility
00:39:31
Speaker
But others around me in my space will also benefit from it too. And it took a long time, I think, to get there. It took a long time.
00:39:43
Speaker
And frankly it took some not so nice questions of myself Took some answers that I probably didn't like like seeing like here But I but I feel good about the place I'm at with with boundaries and you know also understanding like I'm never gonna be somebody who has The world's most impressive
00:40:06
Speaker
daily calendar I just that's just not me it's just not my personality I don't like it and I'm not gonna have everything planned out some things like for example between the years event I'm like there's not a single detail that I'm gonna miss
00:40:27
Speaker
But I can't do that all the time. That's not scalable for me. I'm just not good enough at that. But yeah, so not trying to cram everything into every day, but rather having an acceptable tolerance for change and for things to flex and adapt. That buffer space is super important.
00:40:54
Speaker
uh yeah wow i've been talking for way longer than i thought on this one so that's gonna be it uh hope you guys enjoy if you have any comments questions you want to chat engage further you know where to uh you know where to find me anyway that'll be it i hope you guys have a great great day and i'll chat with you next week all right bye