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How to Calm those Looping Thoughts
82 Plays6 years ago
Today we’re going to talk about something that comes up with my clients over and over, and over. I know every single person out there listening has had this experience. You have a conversation with somebody, it doesn’t go well. You’re working in an office setting and there’s internal politics or there’s a disagreement about what to do, you’re out about in the world and somebody does something that annoys you and boom.
It clicks off that narrative. You know, that conversation you had, the one that’s like — it’s going back and forth as you continue to drive to work as you’re in the commute when you’re in the shower. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, that conversation, that discussion about what just transpired is ping-ponging in your head for the rest of the day. You’re going through all the arguments you want to make, what that other person said, you’re getting yourself all pissed off, worked up over a conversation that isn’t happening. Right?
Transcript
Introduction to Authenticity
00:00:17
Speaker
Welcome to this week's episode of the Art of Authenticity. I'm Laura Ko, your host. Thank you once again for tuning in.
Revisiting Conversations: A Common Struggle
00:00:25
Speaker
Today we're going to talk about something that comes up with my clients over and over and over. I know every single person out there listening has had this experience.
00:00:35
Speaker
you have a conversation with somebody it doesn't go well you're working in an office setting and there's internal politics or there's a disagreement about what to do you're out about in the world and somebody does something that annoys you and boom it clicks off that narrative you know that conversation in your head the one that's like
00:00:57
Speaker
It's going back and forth as you continue to drive to work, as you're in the commute, when you're in the shower, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that conversation, that discussion about what just transpired is ping ponging in your head for the rest of the day.
Emotional Escalation and Stress
00:01:15
Speaker
You're going through all the arguments you want to make, what that other person said. You're getting yourself all pissed off, worked up over a conversation that isn't happening.
00:01:27
Speaker
I've done it. Everybody's done it. We've all done it. We've been there. You're discussing it. You're going back and forth. You're trying to figure out what happened. You're thinking about what you're going to say, how you're going to confront that person, and it just spins in your head. Maybe you even call a friend.
00:01:42
Speaker
And you walk through how, you know, wrong the situation is. The moral indignation kicks in. You're like, how could they have said that thing to me? And how could they dare do this? And it just goes on and on and on until you wear yourself out. Maybe you get yourself so upset that you take it out on your kids. You take it out on your husband or wife. You find yourself in a position where you get yourself upset to the point that you even start to cry.
Unconscious Narratives and Self-Judgment
00:02:12
Speaker
write the emotions get the best of you because this narrative is been playing your frustrations grow your control of the situation feels non existent and there it is there's that loop.
00:02:26
Speaker
Well, if you have that experience, you're not alone. If anybody's out there doesn't have that experience, like, wow, that's awesome. But for the rest of us who find themselves in that predicament, here's what I can say as a solution. First of all, note, it's just the way we're designed. We have situations that come up that cause instant frustration and you're going into an un
00:02:53
Speaker
Conscious narrative,
Control and Uncontrollable Situations
00:02:55
Speaker
right? It's happening before you even know it's happening and it kicks in and once it kicks in, it's hard to get it to stop. So, you know, let go of that internal judgment. That's what's wrong with you. Why are you still talking about this or any other internal sense of shame or judgment about the fact that you're having this narrative flying through your head?
00:03:18
Speaker
Once you find that space, and if you can't, by the way, exercise, going for a walk, taking a bunch of deep breaths can give you enough space to hopefully allow you the outcome that I'm going to suggest now. So A, just become aware, right? Grab the moment and say, okay, I'm having a discussion with myself over something that I have no
00:03:44
Speaker
control over. Why do I say that? Well, the reason that this narrative is flying and going back and forth is because you're discussing something about another person or a situation you don't have control over.
Focusing on Controllable Elements
00:04:00
Speaker
We wouldn't have a discussion for hours, even days about why it has to rain. That would be preposterous. I mean, I get it. Some people don't like the weather. They might comment about the weather, but you're not going to get yourself this emotionally tired thinking through the weather.
00:04:20
Speaker
But when it comes to other people, which we have no control over, we run these narratives, these scripts out in our head for days and days walking through all the ways that we would have, should have, could have said it or what we're going to say or how angry we are. You have no control. So A, get the awareness. B, I don't have control over this. Why am I going to keep talking about something that I have no control?
00:04:49
Speaker
The second thing after that is to recognize you do have control. You have control over how you frame this and what you can do.
00:04:59
Speaker
So start focusing on exactly what you do have control
Personal Story: Shifting Focus
00:05:03
Speaker
over. I was recently in a situation with an IT person. It didn't go well. The person wasn't able to get the product done. We'd spend a ton of time and money. It didn't happen. I can sit there and argue out in my head 100 times how it's wrong, how this is an unacceptable situation, what the person's done, how this has harmed my business, how I've lost all sorts of money waiting for this program to be done, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:05:29
Speaker
In the end of the day, what have I achieved other than giving myself a complete headache and level of discomfort that can keep you up all night? So one,
00:05:42
Speaker
Become aware. Two, notice that you're thinking about control and you can't control the other person. Three, start to focus what you can control. Well, what is the outcome given the situation that I want? In my case, this technology, it's not done. This person's business is going under. They're having a lot of trouble.
00:06:04
Speaker
What do I actually want to see as my outcome? What do I want to see happen here? Because this is the situation I'm in. It's not about me and it's not personal, which is the fourth step. It's not about me and my feelings and the conflict that I'm perceiving, that I'm talking about. It's about the outcome that I want to achieve and all the control I have in what steps I can take towards that outcome.
Compassion and Perspective
00:06:33
Speaker
So in this case, it was better for me to sever ties with this company, move on clean slate, not what I wanted, not a good situation, not quote, right. But all that kind of discussion does not change the reality of the situation I find myself in, which is the technology has problems and the person responsible isn't going to take ownership of it.
00:07:00
Speaker
So when you follow this system, when you get out of this idea of trying to control what you can't control, trying to be right over things where it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, it still doesn't change the reality. When you're running those scripts about the conflict that you're perceiving,
00:07:18
Speaker
It causes just this unbelievable amount of discomfort for you. And out of self-preservation, you don't want to feel that way. So the last thing, I know this is a hard one. It took me a long time to add this one in. So if you're not there, I get it.
00:07:36
Speaker
How can you think about this from more of a space of compassion? In my case, the individual was going through some kind of emotional breakdown. You know, it's not personally, it's not trying to harm me, just can't get the work done. So what is really going on? Is the person out to get you? Is this really a conflict, right? Or are they feeling insecure? Are they having a
Conclusion and Coaching Invitation
00:08:01
Speaker
hard time?
00:08:01
Speaker
maybe they have more going on than you realize. So adding any level of compassion can also get rid of a lot of that negative looping.
00:08:14
Speaker
Give it a try. Send me a note, laura at lauraco.com. If you find yourself really struggling with this, you'd like to try out coaching, I'm always happy to chat with anybody. I have a free 30-minute session. Again, lauraco.com. You can find me there. There's a button you can press at the bottom of my page, and we can chat. Thank you guys for tuning in. Hopefully, this will help you going forward in conflicts, in spinning those tapes, and hopefully letting
00:08:42
Speaker
those internal narratives that can keep you up all night long lesson. Thanks for tuning in.