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EP. 58 Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
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Transcript
Opening Banter
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm gonna rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how I identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Podcast Introduction
00:00:56
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 58 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies, aka the Poe Town Boys. My name is Nick. I'm joined by the edgelord himself, Gerald.
00:01:07
Speaker
That's me. This is big news. You voted. We answered. or answering we're We're in the process of answering you right now. Pick up the phone.
00:01:19
Speaker
Yeah. Or don't. um good This marks the start of ah the next franchise we're tackling, which will be Pirates of the...
Discussion on 'Curse of the Black Pearl'
00:01:28
Speaker
They do say Caribbean. Yeah, Jack says Caribbean. It's Elizabeth.
00:01:33
Speaker
She's going to get several of those, but... what it is. Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Got released in 2003. This is a post 9-11 movie.
00:01:47
Speaker
Let's go. Directed by one Gore Verbinski, who has a crazy fucking lineup of movies.
00:01:54
Speaker
He did this. He did Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest. He did, ah this is At World's End. And then he did Rango. Then you got The Ring.
00:02:07
Speaker
That's crazy. Then you got a cure for wellness. I heard the movie's kind of wild. Bro, you... Whoa. Is that a horror? I think so.
00:02:19
Speaker
Does not have good reviews. Well, of has mixed ref reviews. Oh, Mia Goth is in it. Ew, she'd be underage, everyone. um You've never seen Mouse Hunt, bro?
00:02:32
Speaker
No, I have not seen Mouse Hunt. Mouse Hunt's fire. Should we do for the pod? Or is it a comedy? It's a comedy. Vicky Lewis looks so familiar.
00:02:44
Speaker
Alright, here's your cast. We have ah Johnny Depp who plays Captain Jack Sparrow. If you don't know who Johnny Depp is, ah don't listen to this.
00:02:57
Speaker
Johnny Depp can fucking get it, right? Yeah. He's... Yeah. He like kind of looks like a drug addict, but like Kind of with it. You know what mean?
00:03:08
Speaker
Hey, do you think we should stop real quick and do a plug it in, plug it in? Yeah.
00:03:15
Speaker
We'll be back at the cast at right for this. So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com.
00:03:26
Speaker
Follow us on letterboxd individually. Follow us on Instagram and Tik TOK for when we start posting those clips again, hopefully by summer. When you hear this, they should probably be back. I think.
Social Media Plugs
00:03:38
Speaker
All right. And YouTube. YouTube to follow. ah And then you can send us a voicemail. five o eight 508. Eight fist us. 508. Eight dip tip. Six minute limit.
00:03:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:54
Speaker
All that's going to be. ah Fucking no fucking description. You better fucking click it. yeah click it and stick it in my pooper yeah lick it stick it click it flick it whatever you want you know right i think we've made that joke before yeah probably but all right back to pirates caribbean we got a jeffrey rush who plays barbosa he also looks familiar he's in finding nemo who is he in finding nemo
00:04:27
Speaker
He's like not even in the first 12, 15, 20 people, I don't think. Oh, he's in Green Lantern. Oh, oh, that's movies. I ain't fucking this dude. Sorry. Definitely not in this movie. fuck oh sure he's the He's the lead dude in the rule of Jenny Penn. That horror movie I wanted to see, but never did.
00:04:44
Speaker
I'm
00:04:48
Speaker
going to go. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. He's just an old dude. We got Orlando Bloom who plays Will Turner. He's a piece.
00:04:59
Speaker
can get it. ah He's in the Lord Rings movies. The Hobbit movies. This man have made some fucking money, dude. You know what mean? it was big in the early 2000s.
00:05:13
Speaker
Big. He got a big bag. And they're arguably one of the hottest women I think I've ever seen. i i think I honestly agree agree with you. I mean, you got your Margot Robbie's of the world, your Natalie Portman's, I guess.
00:05:28
Speaker
ah And i'm ah but I'm a big
Plot Summary Begins
00:05:31
Speaker
Sydney Sweeney fan. I don't know if you are. Sure, sure. But in this movie in particular, Keira Knightley might be the hottest woman on the planet.
00:05:41
Speaker
Yeah, I don't... Gosh, I mean, she's... The only thing wrong about her is she's lacking a little bit in the honkazoid area, you know? Yeah, but it's fine. fine.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yo. She's in episode one of Star Wars. who Is she the mom? No way. No.
00:06:01
Speaker
She's, like, deep. Deep in it? Yeah. ah parent Okay, so she has done a nude scene in a movie. Okay.
00:06:13
Speaker
All right. When are we reviewing it I think it's called The Aftermath. Came out in 2019. All right. Well, when are we reviewing it? but Just kidding. ah Yeah, she can fucking get it.
00:06:27
Speaker
We got Jack Davenport who plays Norrington. Commodore Norrington to you. He's scumbag. He's in most of the movies and he's also in Kingsman, the Secret Service. The first Kingsman I fucking like.
00:06:42
Speaker
It's a good movie.
00:06:44
Speaker
We got Jonathan Price who plays Governor Weatherby Swan. This guy's kind of fucking annoying. I'll be honest. Yeah. All the royalty are fucking annoying. yeah That's one thing that's ah like amazing about this movie, right?
00:06:58
Speaker
Yeah. All the acting is stellar. Stellar. Very good acting. I agree with you. yeah Actually, i do think some of the love scenes with ah Will and Elizabeth are kind of corny.
00:07:09
Speaker
Sure, corny, but it's Disney at the end of the day. You're right. We got Lee Ehrenberg who plays, it says his name is Pintel, but he goes by Gibbs, I'm pretty sure, isn't it?
00:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. um i ain't fucking this dude. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking... Then the next guy just looks like a fucking meth head.
00:07:34
Speaker
good His name is Mackenzie Crook and he his name in the movie is Rigetti, which is a wild name for somebody to have. He's been in a lot of movies, though. I recognize this dude. This dude has like one eye because his other eye keeps falling out of his face.
00:07:51
Speaker
ah The only person that I wanted to shout out was... there's two more, I guess, looking at this. We got David Bale, who plays Cotton. He got no tongue. We also got Zoe Saldana making a fucking appearance as Anna Maria. I saw her. She's a fucking doink, doink, doink. Yes, she is.
00:08:10
Speaker
A.K.A. ah Gamora. Yep. ah You never didn know it because she's green. Yeah, and in real life, she's not.
00:08:21
Speaker
She's a Yameen. She's a Yameen. You're right. Is there a Yameen crossing right now? Oh, we got like a They're not crossing, bro. They're jaywalking. What are you talking about? Hey, yo. Hey, yo.
00:08:36
Speaker
She's like a She light, light. ah So before we get into it, right? I know I'm just putting it off. I've heard... yeah
00:08:45
Speaker
I've heard from multiple sources that this is one of the worst 4K transfers that they've ever seen, right? Yeah. Like, i think Jeff from ah Films at Home has said it. Yep. And other people on the YouTube movie committee.
00:08:59
Speaker
Committee? Community. rat well I think they're fucking wrong. I thought that this movie on 4K looked fucking amazing.
00:09:10
Speaker
i The sound for this movie fucking hit me like a brick. Shout out to Hans Zimmer. Yeah. shout out to Hans Zimmer doing his thang.
00:09:22
Speaker
Fucking let me see your thang, Hans. I'm going to give you a nice rimmer. You know what mean? ah'll Call me Hans Rimmer. ah fucking I have the Blu-ray. I watched a Blu-ray copy of this, and ah there were some scenes that looked little shaky to me, but I really did appreciate that.
00:09:40
Speaker
The menu is DVD-esque, where you can like do all these different things. There's like a little skull that talks to you while you're like on the menu. Oh, wow. That must be a DVD-exclusive.
00:09:52
Speaker
And they're also there's also a Scoundrels edition, which is like an interactive game as you play, watch the movie, which I did not do because i was like doing the fucking scene by scene.
00:10:03
Speaker
That sounds sick, though. Yeah. So shout out to Disney for doing that, I guess. That's when Disney gave a fuck. A little bit, right? um And honestly, a lot of the like the explosions and fire and shit, a lot of it is practical.
00:10:17
Speaker
I know they actually filmed on boats and shit. that All that looked good. Yeah, the CGI... No beef with that. CGI is a little questionable, but... The worst one was like when we first meet Elizabeth and her dad's like, oh, you're still sleeping and opens the window. It's like, look outside. It's like, okay dude, you like just might as well just put a fucking green screen there. Yeah. like They shot some stuff on like a real ocean because I googled it. like I was curious.
00:10:43
Speaker
Yeah. But a lot of it's on you know a set, but you couldn't really tell that much. ah No, like I said, there's just some spots, I think. Yeah.
Character Dynamics Explored
00:10:55
Speaker
ah So this the movie opens with a ship, which we come to. I mean, actually, don't ignore me. A ship emerges through some some fog, and we see a little girl. this is I believe Elizabeth is a little girl.
00:11:10
Speaker
Can't fuck her No, absolutely not. But if you wait about four minutes, you're good. <unk> She's singing a pirate's life for me.
00:11:21
Speaker
ah That song was kind of weak sauce to me, but it's what it is. ah We meet Mr. Gibbs. Gibby. ah He... stops her from singing about pirates and says it's bad luck.
00:11:35
Speaker
I don't understand his whole arc because it seems like he's very against pirates. And then the next time we see him, he like is a pirate. Yeah. A lot of people are very, uh, hypocritical.
00:11:48
Speaker
Um, we then meet Norrington who's a Lieutenant at the time. And he tells, Gibbs to leave the girl alone. And he says, it's bad luck to have women on board the ship.
00:11:59
Speaker
It's fucked up. Um, and Elizabeth is like excited to, uh, to meet a pirate. She said that if she did, um or if she did meet one, it'd be exciting to meet one. Um, we find out here, it's made very clear that Norrington fucking hates pirates.
00:12:14
Speaker
Uh, governor Swan then enters who is Elizabeth's father. And he's my father is a governor. My father wore a powdered wig. Call his ass George Washington. Um,
00:12:30
Speaker
My father.
00:12:34
Speaker
He's like, oh, all this pirate talk is not good around my daughter. I'm still doing a Joker voice. I'm sorry. ah Elizabeth sees an umbrella floating by on the ocean and then sees this boy floating on a on a fucking wreck ship board.
00:12:53
Speaker
law Little fucking makeshift raft. Like, drift... driftwood yeah but i think but i think it was like a piece that ship because then they then they it's very funny it's like oh look there's a boy it's like oh look there's a burning ship like do you not fucking see the burning yeah how do you not see that well i mean it's foggy right sure you wouldn't see it until get closer you could smell you could smell could smell it yeah could fucking smell it also how you get on that fucking wood you want to smell it yeah like you know how do you fucking just get there i don't
00:13:27
Speaker
He's a little boy, but mean, he's white so he can swim. so Right. little boy And little boys like You I mean? So. Little boys like wood? Yeah.
00:13:38
Speaker
Little boys like religious wood. Yeah. That's They come from a priest. They're all for. I'm not. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying they like it but they don't like it, but they're forced.
00:13:49
Speaker
They're more prone to it. You're right. They're more prone to get the wood. If you know what I'm saying. Yeah. You're like a wood magnet. yeah Yeah, if we had to like if we had to make a list of strengths and weaknesses for little boys, the weaknesses would be religious wood.
00:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, right. And the strengths would be... They're wood. Right. Well... to the mean I mean, I feel like your dick is as strong as it's going to be, and then it just kind of gets less strong over time.
00:14:18
Speaker
I think mine shrunk over the years, yeah. So, uh... They pull this fucking boy, and they see the burning boat, and Gibbs thinks that it's pirates, but Governor Swan says there's no proof there actually are pirates.
00:14:31
Speaker
that like did the They all believe in pirates. They just don't think pirates burn this boat down. Um...
00:14:40
Speaker
Swan sends Elizabeth to go accompany the boy. And then like she's like kind of touching his face all weird and shit. so I'm already trying to fucking dick down this kid. like No. Wait. Bad choice of words.
00:14:55
Speaker
Bad choice of words. Don't put that in the intro. would bad idea. She's trying to get with this kid. You know? She's like, this kid's attractive. She's a kid and she's trying to get with this unconscious little boy is very attractive to me. That's what she thinks and priests think.
00:15:19
Speaker
Right. Um, so as soon as like she touches her face, this boy must've gotten fucking molested. Cause he grabs her hand immediately. Yo, stop it.
00:15:31
Speaker
We meet this little boy. His name is Will Turner. and he's got a necklace on that signifies he's a pirate. And as soon as she grabs it, the, the, she's grabbing his pirate. Like, yeah, I mean, no, as soon as she grabs his medallion,
00:15:45
Speaker
ah Norrington shows up and she just like rips it off his neck and like hides it. um And then like, for some reason looks up and sees the black pearl and then wakes up and it's like this, it was like this dream sequence.
00:15:58
Speaker
And now we're like, well, now she's full grown and she's already bed wearing her little nightie. Like let's rip it off. Well, Jack does rip it off. a gas stuff Jack ripping something off.
00:16:12
Speaker
Yeah, but he, knows what's up. yeah Jack knows what he said. We won't have work between us, babe. I'm used to trying to fuck her on the beach, but we'll get there.
00:16:22
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, he was. I mean, what would you do? Hey, we're stranded. Hey, we got to create life on this planet. If I impregnate you, we could drink the titty milk.
00:16:33
Speaker
That's it, right? Like, we gotta to wait like nine months, but could yeah right milk we can fucking milk you and then use that milk to sustain ourselves. Right, exactly. Mix it with a little rum, make it like a rum chata. Yo. He loves rum, dude.
00:16:48
Speaker
Bro, I just, I'm out here.
00:16:52
Speaker
Jack, how'd you survive from that stranded island titty milk?
00:17:00
Speaker
Yeah, we heard the stories. Jack, how'd you survive? Titty milk. um Straight from the source. for Fucking farm to table. oh Yeah, high quality.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yeah, I like that. I like that. ah she ah She still has... so she gets up from this dream and like has this necklace hiding in her nightstand.
00:17:28
Speaker
And it's like hiding under 8,000 books. thousand books And a fake a fake bottom of the drawer. Yeah. She pulls that off and then there's a necklace. And she puts it on and like positions it between her tits.
00:17:40
Speaker
ah What little tits she has. Yeah, but it's enough. But she's wearing a corset, right? The entire movie. So they kind of like pushed up, you know? They are a little pushed up. And i'm okay I like that.
00:17:51
Speaker
Yeah. ah going Her dad starts knocking on the door and she's like, just a minute. And then he kind of like busts in like, yo, what if she's like straight up flicking her shit? Like walk in.
00:18:03
Speaker
What if she's straight up flicking her shit?
00:18:13
Speaker
You're about to see the unthinkable. Yo. Yo, what if she's straight up flicking her shit? What if she's doing that?
00:18:26
Speaker
ra mean I but just... I just
00:18:35
Speaker
there, like... Like, you know how long you fold the fucking paper into a triangle? Yeah. you fucking be he said fucking fucking Yeah, yeah flick it yeah the ger fuck her shit
00:18:55
Speaker
Oh, wow.
00:19:00
Speaker
ah And then dad enters and she fucking so makes eye contact and squirts. Oh my God. Wow. why Dad's like, ah ah like he's trying to like scoop it up real quick.
00:19:12
Speaker
yeah He's got a fucking repowder his wig. Cause it's all wet. He's got a straw at the ready. You know i mean? Like a retractable straw.
00:19:22
Speaker
Oh my god, dad, put your telescope away. Dude, he does. that mean that's the Fuck the retractable straw. He's Zoom in. zoom it's Honey, I'm a gynecologist.
00:19:39
Speaker
You're flicking that shit aggressively. and You need to stop it a little bit. You to rub it. yeah It's called rubbing one out, not flicking one out. why you Yeah, don't really flick it.
00:19:51
Speaker
Why are you flicking it out like that? You gotta, you gotta like do like you're a DJ, you know, you can't like, yeah, like, yeah, exactly. Um,
00:20:04
Speaker
so he gifts her a dress. Because she's naked flicking it. Yeah. It's like need to put this on. Put some fucking clothes on. And she's like, well, what do you want from me since you're gifting me a dress? He's like, that fucking bean.
00:20:21
Speaker
Yeah, I want that fucking cherry for my own. know what I mean? want some fucking mashed peas. What? What? mashed peas. I don't know, dude. They're fucking... They're British. They eat mashed peas. They try to mash her pea, bro. About to make fucking split pea soup out of your fucking cunt juice. Out of your fucking... You know what I mean?
00:20:44
Speaker
Hey, yo, believe that. That'll be on Patreon, ladies and gentlemen. Is that too Yo, I think that's... Cunt juice. Oh.
00:20:59
Speaker
That's crazy, dog! Yeah, what?
00:21:04
Speaker
Oh my god! Yo! Yo! The fact that you're like, that's crazy? You just fucking said something like giving the instant replay.
00:21:17
Speaker
said... Yeah, you said cotton juice. Yeah. conscious I don't know about that one. I want a fucking shake it in a martini shake.
00:21:31
Speaker
oh yeah. Give me a little olive on stick, you know what mean? Yeah. Use some fucking yeast from your yeast infection.
Norrington's Proposal
00:21:39
Speaker
Oh, that's the blue cheese. That's
00:21:44
Speaker
wild. That's wild, son.
00:21:51
Speaker
Yo! That shit moldy! What do we doing? yo! Hey yo! This cheese got some stank on it!
00:21:59
Speaker
Your shit fermented in your pussy for too long! oh I'm trying to stuff that olive with it, put it in that martini shake. That shit gonna be stuffed with pimento for sure! Hey yo! You got cheese, girl!
00:22:12
Speaker
Damn! You got straight cheese in your pussy! What's going on? That shit's the consistency of cottage cheese. What are we... Oh! Oh, chunky.
00:22:24
Speaker
Oh. Oh.
00:22:27
Speaker
You ricotta-having ass? What are we doing? What are we doing right now? You said cunt juice! I know, but I didn't think it was going spiral.
00:22:38
Speaker
What do you think happened if you said cunt juice three times like Beetlejuice? I don't know. ah Anyways, he wants to make an arranged marriage between her and Commodore Norrington.
00:22:54
Speaker
And he wants to wear the dress to to Norrington's promotion. He's becoming a lieutenant or he's becoming a Commodore from a lieutenant. And this dress don't fit. They're rich.
00:23:06
Speaker
They're world. they got like yeah They got like maids and shit, like dressing her for her. Yeah. And they're tying it on too tight.
00:23:15
Speaker
um They then notified there's a visitor for Governor Swan and it's Will Turner who has completed ah Swan's order of a, he's made a sword for him.
00:23:27
Speaker
And it's perfectly balanced. I meant to pull that ah Thanos clip. but As all things should be. And Swan says forward his compliments to his master, meaning Will's master, not realizing that Will's the one that made the fucking goddamn sword. Not master like he's a slave.
00:23:47
Speaker
Yeah, using master is kind of a crazy term, huh? Yeah. Elizabeth comes downstairs and immediately they got those fucking hard eyes on. It's like fucking Ginny and Harry all over again. It is, but like these people are actually like lookers, you know what they are You know what? They're of age and lookers.
00:24:04
Speaker
They got both those things going on for them. We can say whatever we want. Yeah, we can. And they're only going to get older. Yeah.
00:24:14
Speaker
ah They got some fucking hard eyes going on. And. ah Swans. like We got to leave right now to go to this promotion ceremony. They leave and we cut and we see Jack Sparrow.
00:24:25
Speaker
And the way this is framed looks like he's on like this big ass ship. But he was like a little sailboat. Yeah. It's like that is damn near sailboat type.
Jack Sparrow's Entrance
00:24:34
Speaker
It's like slowly filled with water.
00:24:36
Speaker
And he passes by this little cove where some dead pirate skeletons hanging. He like gives him a salute. Yup. And we watch him slowly arrive the dock as the ship is sinking.
00:24:49
Speaker
It's a pretty popular clip. It's fucking hilarious. He's standing on like the crow's nest. yeah what you call it? Yeah. um A man stops Jack and says he needs one shilling to tie his boat to the dock.
00:25:08
Speaker
And Jack's like, I'll give you three shillings and we forget the whole name thing. So now he's just Mr. Smith.
00:25:16
Speaker
um The next part, he tries to board this boat at a dock and these two guards who are like fucking imbecile stop him. We find out here that the Interceptor is the fastest ship.
00:25:29
Speaker
And Jack's like, what about the Black Pearl? Y'all heard of that one? And these two guards argue over if it's legend or it's a real ah real thing. And as they're arguing, Jack slips onto the ship that they were like trying to prevent from getting on.
00:25:43
Speaker
And they realize that he's escaped and hold him at gunpoint on the ship. Um, and like, tell us truth. What are you doing here? And he's like, I'm going to get a crew and then go to Tortuga or I'm going to go to Tortuga and then get a crew.
00:25:58
Speaker
You're lying. Yeah. There's a weird bit about if he's lying or telling a truth or not. Uh, we cut to Commodore Norrington, who he's trying to like express his love to Elizabeth, but she can't breathe.
00:26:13
Speaker
Um, so she passes out cause she can't breathe and falls into an ocean. ah falls into the ocean, bro. She falls like ah cliff. 30 feet at least. like And she's right near where Jack is with these guards.
00:26:29
Speaker
um And the necklace reveals itself in the water and starts like pulsing. um Like her fucking bean because she was fucking flicking it too much. Shit's inflamed. You think her bean's still inflamed?
00:26:42
Speaker
It's got to be, right? That was this morning.
00:26:50
Speaker
think she flicked it until was so raw, Saltwater's like agitating it? Oh, oh. Yeah. You want it? Yeah, you want it? That was the kind of yeah. Her shit's straight burning. like think You think she's sitting there listening to her dad walking she goes, yeah, you want it? Oh, I hope so. It's terrible.
00:27:12
Speaker
Well, Saltwater's like naturally healing it, right? No, it probably aggravates it first, I think. think so? It'd probably aggravate my my burn. think she got rug burn or clit from flicking it so hard?
00:27:24
Speaker
Oh, rug burn. My God. Yeah, does burn so fucking stupid. Like, why does it exist? You know? Yeah. Fuck. I thought rug burn was a good idea. Yeah. Fake God. Okay. Exactly.
00:27:37
Speaker
So we see Jack save Liz. ah We see the weather suddenly worsen also. We watch Jack take off the layers of her clothing. He's fuck a fucking raper. know mean? He's a pirate.
00:27:49
Speaker
fucking Give it to her pirates life for me, baby. Will you not condone rape? No. So he notices the pirate. me, you better not be 13. You know what I mean? Let's get it.
00:28:02
Speaker
I mean, to be fair, the lifespan back then was probably not that long, right? You're probably dying at 27. You think so? Nah, Jack. Bro, Barbossa at least like 50. Well, in the movie, yes.
00:28:14
Speaker
Average... Yeah, they died around 26 years old. Goddamn. Like actual pirates. We also forgot to mention. golden age of piracy. um Jack is very clumsy. He's not exactly the best pirate ever.
00:28:31
Speaker
No, that's like a facade. I feel like he's actually pretty brilliant. You think it's all facade? He's not actually an idiot? No, he's just acting aloof. Because like that scene with Will in the boat. Yeah. like He's just playing both sides of the ball.
00:28:46
Speaker
Yeah. he yeah You know, he's... Right. Yeah. Fuck with you, you know? Yeah,
00:28:57
Speaker
yeah he's like, come here and kiss me. Get away from me. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck kiss me. Fuck away me. Get the fuck out of here. I'm like, jerk off? All right.
00:29:09
Speaker
So... The guards show up with a Governor Swan and Norrington. They'll kill him. and Liz is like, you just saved me, bruh. um And Norrington's like, thanks so much. He goes for a fake handshake and reveals this P imprint on his on his wrist.
00:29:27
Speaker
He's like, yo, you're fucking pirate. Yeah. um And the guards hand Norrington his stuff, which includes a compass that don't work, according to Norrington.
00:29:39
Speaker
And like his... ah Flintlock pistol.
00:29:44
Speaker
What's that even mean? That's a type of like John they used to use. Flintlock and his SWAD. They want to... Norrington wants to hang him and Liz is like, can't do that. But they do cuff him.
00:29:59
Speaker
And as they cuff him, I don't remember what happened, but like he like grabbed somebody's gun or his own gun. Yeah, but... build it up Go ahead. Even before that, he like lifts his fucking like
00:30:13
Speaker
fuck you call that sleeve his slit yeah he fucking rubs his slit out uh he lifts his sleeve and he's little sparrow tattoo we got bean flicking we got fucking slit sliding yeah he's like hey you're fucking jack's wild out here it's flash down baby it's a wild wild ocean uh so Spear like puts the fucking cuffs around ah Elizabeth's neck and he's like holding her at gunpoint from a gun that I didn't see him get.
00:30:47
Speaker
body Right. And he makes Elizabeth put on his air quotes effects to his shit. And she's like strapping him in a little bit. You know what mean? a Strap in, strap on.
00:30:58
Speaker
It's hot. i get I get his fucking why he's getting chubbed up at this point. I get it. That's a little hot. Choke action, you know? yeah You have to take her from the back, giving her that choke. you know I think he's taking her from the front.
00:31:11
Speaker
nice i mean was the way down like Yeah, but you got turn around to put his shit on. Put my hat on. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you could do. And then his hat gets left later, and then they'll we never see it again the rest of the movie. But it does come back, I think, in the franchise.
00:31:25
Speaker
It do be back. So he kind of escapes. He like fucking shoots himself up this like rope drawn pulley. There you go, pulley. And he like kind of flies around and lands on the dock and runs off.
00:31:41
Speaker
He yeah grabs a sword off a statue and he enters this like blacksmith store. And there's this man sleeping in the corner and he pokes him and tries to like jump scare him.
00:31:53
Speaker
But this guy's out cold. So he then tries to get his cuffs off, and he he brands this donkey to get it to move, to get the full machinery. You will condone that.
00:32:05
Speaker
But shout out to that movie, EO! EO. And as the machine machinery finally starts like working because the donkey's moving, in walks fucking Will, who notices all these things out of place.
00:32:20
Speaker
didn't put that there. Uh, so when Jack springs out with a sword and he says that, uh, will looks familiar. Um, and they have a sword fight.
00:32:32
Speaker
Uh, and Jack's like, Oh, you're pretty good. And he tries to leave. And will throws a sword in the door that jams the door. Every years door. You ever get your sword jammed in the door?
00:32:43
Speaker
Yeah. That was my question, but I stumbled my words. but My dick stuck in a door hinge. You know what I Right. Their fight continues. and We find out that Will practices three hours a day. A little bit cringe for me, be honest.
00:32:57
Speaker
I practice three hours a day.
00:33:01
Speaker
And it ends with ah Jack pulling a gun. And Will's like, you cheated. He's like, I'm fucking pirate. Like, what the fuck you think I'm going to do?
00:33:11
Speaker
the guards are trying to bang this fucking door down, and Jack's like, move? And Will's like, no He's like, please move? He's like, no. And he's like, this bullet isn't for you. But then he gets hit in the head with this glass bottle by the shop owner who was out cold just a few minutes ago.
00:33:28
Speaker
Pretty sure he's like shit-faced. Completely shit-faced. He also takes credit for capturing Sparrow, which he had no real part of. ah We then have ah scene in the jail where a bunch of these people are trying to lure this dog over. Smell bottle of me, boy.
00:33:47
Speaker
Get a nice, juicy bone here, boy. You want that fucking nice, juicy bone? Yeah. Yeah. want that fucking nice, juicy bone? And that scene's straight out of the ride. Because, you know, the movie's based on the ride.
00:34:01
Speaker
Like at Disney.
00:34:04
Speaker
What do you mean? The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. what but I haven't been on it. Oh, well, that's what the movie is based on. The movie is based on the ride? It's not based on the movie?
00:34:15
Speaker
Correct. What did they call the ride before the movie? It just called Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, and then they made the movie. Yeah, the ride came out in 1967. Who's going to make a movie about our podcast?
00:34:29
Speaker
Hopefully Disney.
The Black Pearl's Attack
00:34:32
Speaker
No, they can't do
00:34:35
Speaker
It was just funny. They were just like, nice juicy but bone. you want this nice juicy bone? Yeah, do. And Elizabeth li was like, yeah, I fucking do. I got a wet and wild fucking slippery slide clit right now. slipper yeah
00:34:47
Speaker
ah Speaking of her, we cut back and she's getting tucked in. ah But the fuck? But they're going haunt her shit again. Yeah.
00:35:00
Speaker
But it's going to be me now. I'm a fucking dog that shit. Yeah, right. And this maid has like the... It's like it holds like hot coals and she puts it like in her bed.
00:35:11
Speaker
It seems like at the bottom of her feet. i don't know what that was about. and Well, they don't have heat. So they use like these things to keep warm, right? um a so yeah Yeah, you're right.
00:35:22
Speaker
You could burn your shit real good. You could burn the shit out of them. Maybe she like just gently touches her clit with her shit. we You know? I was going to say, sticking with her coals up there.
00:35:34
Speaker
Some people like like hot wax. Open the box. Yeah? Oh, yeah, open her fucking box. You i mean? listen the fucking box. My fucking clit and bush. Yeah. You think she's bushing it?
00:35:44
Speaker
Oh, they were all bushing Whoa! Clinton, Bush. Clinton and Bush. Clinton and Bush. I don't know. do do do do There's some connection there. You guys let me know what it is. This bitch actually sucked off Bill Clinton.
00:35:59
Speaker
Was it Monica? yeah this she'll see let's you Shout out to him. you He's a fucking man, dude. He's a real ass dude. He plays the sax and he's getting sucked? Oh my god. That's all he wanted on in his life.
00:36:14
Speaker
I'll take Hillary and her fat ass. Does Hillary a fat ass? Yes, you do. All right. Let us know. ah Let us know? Yeah, you got get them Hillary. fuck Hillary.
00:36:26
Speaker
Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, fat ass is objective, is objective not subjective. whether Either you're fat or it ain't. Yeah. um The maid's like, oh, you probably had a rough day. And she's like, yeah, the fucking Commodore proposed to me. shes like, well, I meant getting held up by a fucking pirate.
00:36:41
Speaker
um And then Mae kind of picks up on that she's not interested in Norrington. She's like, that Will Turner kid's pretty nice looking, huh? He got these peas on him. Yeah. Yeah, I'd let him suck my shithole. What about it?
00:36:56
Speaker
Let me jerk off in the corner while I flick my shit. yeah You know what I mean? like You better just not you know just don't bust all over my hard wood. You know what I mean? Dad walks in.
00:37:06
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Dad's getting cucked. Will's getting cucked. Nah, he's busting on that hard wood for sure. Yeah? The dad's busting on Will's hard wood. Hey, yo!
00:37:18
Speaker
And then Will's sticking it in Elizabeth, right? Will and the dad are just playing ookie-cookie in the right corner? She's flicking her shit? Yeah, but then once their jizz is combined... What's wrong with us?
00:37:30
Speaker
Yeah, but then once it's combined, like they stick it in her, you know? it's like It's a family affair. Right, she like unnecessarily fucked her dad, you know? Essentially.
00:37:43
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, Will Turner's like, bootstrap Bill's blood runs through my veins. She's like, fucking, his cum runs through my veins. Yeah, it does. I bleed white.
00:37:56
Speaker
ah go Straight cum. She an ooze anatomy. Next scene, the the town gets attacked by the Black Pearl arrives and they get fucking pillaged. You who else getting pillaged?
00:38:11
Speaker
Fuck yeah. We see Governor Swan and Norrington talking about if Liz said yes or not, but they're literally about to get attacked. Yes means no. um No means anal. Turner and the some of the naval fuckers start to fight back.
00:38:30
Speaker
I'm trying to fuck her navel. Yeah, fucking navel orange. That fucking belly button. Just cum in that shit. Okay, we're wild.
00:38:40
Speaker
If you're an in-ear or an out-ear, it doesn't matter. They enter ah the Swan residence and they just shoot this fucking maid right in the face. It's a dude, but he's a maid. It's a dude, but she's like the butler, right?
00:38:53
Speaker
You call him a butler. Call him a butt chugger. ah and Butt fucker.
00:39:03
Speaker
ah he locked So Elizabeth locks herself in another room and another maid is like, they've come to get you because you're the governor's daughter. And she's like, what? They're not actually here for me. so Yeah, but she don't know that.
00:39:17
Speaker
The pirates break through and she smacks one of them in the fucking head. And then the other one gets the hot coals dumped on his head. um And she runs him from the hide. And she tries to take a sword off the fucking wall.
00:39:29
Speaker
But the whole mount comes off. Trying to mount her. I'm trying not to say it. Um... Pirates enter the room and try to find her. She's hiding and she ain't too good at hiding because they find her immediately. Hello, Bumpet.
00:39:46
Speaker
Hello, Bumpet. And Frank would disappointed. and What the fuck are doing? You're the worst hide and seek player ever.
00:39:54
Speaker
She demands a parlay, which means she'd be taken to the captain. It's just Pirate's Code. Which means she's probably going to lose that $20 she put in because no one fucking hits parlays. know I mean?
00:40:06
Speaker
Right. ah We cut to this town being fucking demolished. um And Turner, Will Turner, that is, sees the pirates taking Liz and he gets knocked out.
00:40:19
Speaker
yeah Bro, he he knocked out for like 12 hours. No, we cut to Jack who's in the cell next. He watches the cell next door ah escape because of a cannonball that breaks the wall down. Shout out to Chris Jericho.
00:40:35
Speaker
Damn straight. um Then he starts begging this dog for the bone. He's like, come here, I got this bow for you. um Two pirates enter thinking and they're in the armory, but it's not. And they see Jack and they just spit on him.
00:40:48
Speaker
I know you. And the last they saw him, he was stranded on an island because they mutinied on Jack, we find out. A pirate sticks his hand through the cell to grab Jack by that fucking neck because that's hot.
00:41:04
Speaker
And in the moonlight, his hand turns into just straight bone. It's just fucking skeleton. And Jack takes note that they're cursed and the curse does exist after all.
00:41:16
Speaker
We cut to the ship where the Black Pearl where Liz meets Barbossa, who is the captain of the Black Pearl. I'm the captain now. And ah she's like, I demand you guys leave and never come back. And he's like, yeah, sure.
00:41:32
Speaker
Sure, babe. All right. You want to do it? I'll drop this necklace in the war. He's like, who the fuck? you that Goddamn necklace. And then she fucking drops it. She fucking cucks them little bit. Yeah, but she's not dropping that thunt that on, which is what wanted to happen.
00:41:45
Speaker
Yeah. And, uh, they've been looking for that piece of fucking gold for eight years. Um, He asked what her name is and she says her name is Elizabeth Turner.
00:41:56
Speaker
Ooh. Ooh, I'm already setting up for who I'm going to marry. ooh I'm edging my fucking clit to get pounded by another man's meat. That's what's up. Yeah, I don't know fucking my index finger. Tired of this, Grandpa.
00:42:08
Speaker
Daddy, come here. AKA my real daddy. Take your wig off. Or keep it on. I don't know. I don't know. I know you wanted me to get fucked by a blacksmith, but now I'm getting fucked by a black dude named Smith. you know what mean? Like...
00:42:29
Speaker
Yeah. What's going on today? Well, I feel fucking lightheaded. was a long day at work for me. Um...
00:42:45
Speaker
She's like, if I give you his the Netflix, it'll set me free. And he's like, yeah. So she does. And they don't set her free. And her Barbosa is like, you're not a pirate. So the code is not does not apply to you. Also, the code is a guideline. So we don't have to do this shit.
00:42:59
Speaker
Cut to Will. It's the fucking next day now. Been out for a minute. Like you said. feel like spread eagle. Like I'm about to fucking finger his little butthole. Hey, yo. He tells, what the fuck is nostril like Voldemort?
00:43:11
Speaker
Yes, what's up? And he tells Norrington they have to go save Liz. I'm going to make his or Orlando bloom. You know what I mean?
00:43:24
Speaker
And this, while he's talking annoying to Norrington, this guard in the background says that Sparrow might know where the pearl is because he was talking about it. um Turner goes Sparrow is still locked up and he's like, where's the ship?
00:43:38
Speaker
Beth, where, what port do I got to enter? And it's called the Isla de Muerte. ah And the only way to find it or know where it is, you have to have been there already.
00:43:51
Speaker
And if you don't speak Spanish, that's Island of the Dead.
00:43:58
Speaker
uh and jack don't want to help turner turn it and uh will's like i can get you out of the cell though he's like what's your name bro he's like william turn it after my father he's like hey i knew your father bootstrap turner fucking strap me in and bed me hey yo uh So he changes his mind when he finds out this kid's name.
00:44:26
Speaker
And Will breaks him out. And then Jack says he's going to go commandeer a ship. And he's like, real quick, what would you do for Liz? He's like, I'd die for her.
00:44:39
Speaker
Would you? Would you die for her? I probably would. I got hardwood. Um...
00:44:48
Speaker
Is that right? Good. So it sneak on the ship. I bet. let's fucking do it. They get on the ship and like, this is our ship. Now the crew laughs them. They say there's, they, you need more than two people to operate the ship. And he's like, I'm Jack Sparrow savvy.
00:45:01
Speaker
And they're like, huh? Who? Who? um So the next cut, they've taken the ship and they alert the Navy that they've taken the ship and they catch right up to them, which is all part of the plan because they just swap ships and Will and Sparrow get the Interceptor, which is the fastest ship in all the land.
00:45:23
Speaker
And Norrington commands them to fire on the ship. But I forget exactly what, but like Jack like disabled their steering or something. Yeah.
00:45:34
Speaker
So they can't angle the ship to like fire on them. um Will asks Jack about his father and he tells him that he was a pirate and Will's like, no he wasn't and he holds a sword to Jack which is like, what's that going to do?
00:45:52
Speaker
um So Jack hits him with a with his pole. Yeah, with his fucking log. yeah Big ass log like smacks him.
00:46:03
Speaker
And it's like the sail of the boat. It gets hanging over the ocean. And he's like, you can do two things. You can accept the fact your daddy's a pirate or you don't have to. Your choice. He's like we're going to Tortuga to get a crew.
00:46:14
Speaker
And you can accept that or not. they go to Tortuga, which is just like fucking wall-less. It's wild over there. And this ladyboy walks over, slaps the shit out of Jack's butt. This is a ladyboy. Make no mistake.
00:46:26
Speaker
It reminds me of like Thieves Landing from Red Dead Redemption. That's the Red Dead Redemption. Hey. um They awaken Gibbs, who is asleep with pigs.
00:46:39
Speaker
They go to a bar, and the Jack tells Will to keep lookout, and Jack tells Gibbs in private, he's going for the pearl. He's like, yo, I'm trying to get the black pearl. And he's like, yo, you can't do that. Like, yeah, I'm just going to give Barbossa this boy over here.
00:46:57
Speaker
going trade boys. I'm just going to a ah fucking ah human trafficker. Yeah, that's what's They paid good money for these little fucking boys out here.
00:47:12
Speaker
So, he got leverage because sells a little boys buttholes to Barbosa. bar barbos We cut to some pirates bringing Liz a dress and they say that Barbossa requested to have dinner with her in
Curse of the Aztec Gold Explained
00:47:25
Speaker
that dress. And she's like, no. He's like, that's fine. You can just be naked and eat front with the crew if you want. but That fucking cunt.
00:47:38
Speaker
We cut to dinner. Um... And we see Liz going to town with this pig leg. and Yeah. yeah. He's into He's into it hard. Nice juicy bone. Fucking going in on it.
00:47:54
Speaker
Yeah. Treat my leg like that. Fucking. know what mean? You put a hot two on that thing. Yeah. And we find out that this necklace is the 882nd piece of Aztec gold to complete the collection. Achievement unlocked.
00:48:10
Speaker
call Yeah. If you steal a piece, you're cursed for eternity until you return it all. And Liz doesn't believe in that shit. So Barbosa says they stole the gold.
00:48:20
Speaker
And while he's telling the story, Liz conceals a knife. um And they have to return the last piece with blood to lift the curse. He hates So he she stabs him with his knife and he acts like he like is like fake dead, but ah the door opens. They're all fucking skeletons because they're all cursed.
00:48:38
Speaker
ah And she's like, ah! She gets tossed around a little bit, you what mean? Yeah, I mean, fucking toss her salad too while you're at it. Yeah, you salad tossed. And then Barbossa walks out into the moonlight and we see him transform into a skeleton.
00:48:57
Speaker
What did he say?
00:49:02
Speaker
Oh fuck. Can we keep that in or no? I don't know.
00:49:22
Speaker
ah
00:49:29
Speaker
i don't know
00:49:40
Speaker
I'm in fucking faith.
00:49:44
Speaker
oh I'm crazy. What's up, guys? Breathe.
00:50:19
Speaker
You said it no fucking nonchalantly, dude. think
00:50:29
Speaker
Oh, man. All right. If we can keep that in, that has to be like the funniest. That's fucking insane. What? What's funnier than that?
00:50:40
Speaker
What do we have that's funnier than that?
00:50:44
Speaker
i don't I don't know. We laughed pretty hard. I can't beat in the intro.
00:50:51
Speaker
yes That's not going to the intro. Of course not. i mean the We laughed super hard on schtick like that. We did? Also, pulling them thangs?
00:51:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:07
Speaker
All right.
00:51:11
Speaker
So we meet the crew. We meet Anna Maria, who is Zoe Saldana, and she smacks the shit out of Jack twice for stealing her boat. And Turner offers the interceptor to the crew if they help Jack.
00:51:26
Speaker
And Gibbs is still like it's bad luck to bring a woman on board. We cut to the night talk. What is going on? Fucking banging. Was that a cat? Oh, it's like someone else. in the building thing I have no idea what it is.
00:51:40
Speaker
We cut to a the nighttime and they're like selling a really bad storm. And Turner asked Gibbs how they're going to find the island with the broken compass. And they're like, Gibbs is like the compass isn't trying to find North brother.
00:51:54
Speaker
It's trying to find the fucking island, baby. Yeah, like, I know where it at. And Sparrow's like, we're catching up. And then we cut to the Pearl, who are bringing Elizabeth off the boat to go into the little cave to return the golden sacrificer.
00:52:10
Speaker
Tell them make it sound, and it's not that. But we'll find out. We cut back to the Interceptor, passing by several crashed ships, and Cotton is standing next to ah Jack. And he's suspect of his compass.
00:52:23
Speaker
And Gibbs tells... Turner... um That Sparrow was the captain of the Black Pearl at one point. And he told look the crew location of this treasure and the crew mutinied and marooned him on an island.
00:52:40
Speaker
And they left him with a gun and one pistol. Or one bullet. One bullet. That's it. But somehow Jack escaped. And the...
00:52:52
Speaker
Bullet, he's saving for Barbossa. And Gibbs says that he escaped by roping sea turtles together. And he's like, with what? And Sparrow's like, my back hair. That's crazy back there, bro.
00:53:05
Speaker
Yeah, bro. You better shave that shit. Get a manscaped, not sponsored. Right. Sparrow tells them that him and Turner are going to shore.
00:53:16
Speaker
And if the worst happens, stick to the code, which means abandon us. ah We cut to the Black Pearl crew and Barbossa returning the treasure. um
00:53:30
Speaker
We cut to Jack and Will, who are... Jack's basically like, you're on your way to becoming a pirate. And he's like, never. But he's like, no, you will be. It's set in stone.
00:53:42
Speaker
They find Barbossa giving a speech, and Will wants to get in there, and Jack's like, wait a minute, brother. But Barbossa's monkey... Barbossa has a monkey. and Also named Jack.
00:53:54
Speaker
Um, here's something. Sparrow tells, we'll stay there not do anything stupid. And Jack goes to walk out there and we'll knock out with oar. Yeah.
00:54:06
Speaker
And, uh,
00:54:10
Speaker
whoa. The autocorrect is Barbossa cuts lips. Hey, yo. She's got her lips. Um, Give me them vulvas.
00:54:24
Speaker
Barbosa slits fucking what's her name's Liz's hand and drop they the coin back in the but treasure chest and the crew is waiting for something to happen to see if the curse is lifted. And Barbosa shoots a pirate and nothing happens so they're still cursed.
00:54:40
Speaker
um Will sneaks in and rescues Liz because they're mad the fucking curse didn't work.
00:54:49
Speaker
And Barbosa needs William Turner's blood, not her blood. She's not fucking Turner. She's fucking Liz.
00:55:02
Speaker
Liz, dude. Yeah, she's not fucking Bootstrap Boy. you know what mean? Yeah. um We also find out here that Barbosa sent Bootstrap Bill to the depths. He killed him.
00:55:13
Speaker
He fucking David Jones locker. And the crew is pissed that didn't work, and they want a mutiny fucking Barbosa. And one of them suggests cutting her throat more blood, you know just in case.
00:55:24
Speaker
But Liz is gone, on bro, because she got saved.
00:55:28
Speaker
the pro the the group The crew for the Black Pearl goes looking for her, and they find Jack, who also claims a parlay. ah Turner will returns Liz to the interceptor and tells Gibbs that Sparrow fell behind onto the code.
00:55:51
Speaker
um Barbosa asked Jack how he escaped and Jack's like, I'm Jack Sparrow, bro. That's how do whatever I do what I want. Barbosa orders them to kill Jack, but ah Jack knows whose blood that Barbosa needs to lift the curse.
00:56:12
Speaker
they cut We cut to Liz and Will, and he's like patching her up there, having lift some hard eyes. And he's got rough blacksmith hands, but she's like, don't stop. Don't stop.
00:56:24
Speaker
Rub my clit with your callus.
00:56:28
Speaker
Rub it. Rub it. all right. Pop it. Pop it. ah
00:56:37
Speaker
Rub it, bulp it. Is it pulpit? It's with a P, right? I think so. Or you fucking bulp it like the Asians.
00:56:46
Speaker
um She gives him his necklace back and he's like, why'd you take it? And she said, I was afraid you were a pirate, which doesn't make any sense. but He gets so fucking pissed off at her too. Yeah.
00:56:57
Speaker
And Will realizes they need his blood, not her period blood. Hey, yo, shout out Midsommar. Shout out to it. Cut to ah Jack who wants to cut a deal with Barbossa and he'll go over there and barter for the coin.
00:57:14
Speaker
um And Barbossa's like, that's what made you fucking soft in the first place, bro. So the Pearl catches up the Interceptor and ah Lizbeth, Lizbeth was someone who i used to work with.
00:57:30
Speaker
ah Elizabeth and Gibbs decided they're to have to lighten the ship. Start throwing shit off the ship to go faster, but they're still getting caught up to. and They try to lose the they're to fucking fight them.
00:57:43
Speaker
They to make a stand. Fucking turn around, throw the ass back, and shoot. You know what mean? fucking drop the goddamn anchor and do a yeah U-turn, and they load their fucking cannons with anything. Forks, knives, and a cannonball blows a whore off.
00:58:00
Speaker
Oh, my God. blows a hole. ah Yeah, that we're talking. That's a big cannonball. going to blow a hole in somebody's door.
00:58:11
Speaker
That's a big mouth. My big fucking mouth right there. It blows a hole in the cell door of one Jack Sparrow. Next scene is a cut to Will Turner who goes to get the medallion, which is downstairs, like in the bottom of the ship.
00:58:27
Speaker
And the Black Pearl fires and knocks out like the main sail on the ship, which traps Will at the bottom of the ship. And they're taking on Wada. Wada. And the Black Pearl crew boards the Interceptor.
00:58:42
Speaker
We see Jack swing across to the Pearl. The Interceptor, sorry. um We see Barbossa's monkey get the medallion. And Jack chases after it.
00:58:53
Speaker
um Cut to Elizabeth trying to help open this door where Will is stuck. But she can't open it. And then she gets taken by pirates. But not raped. Just taken. Well, we don't know she got raped.
00:59:05
Speaker
It's too fast of a cut. Yeah, probably. The monkey gives the medallion back to Barbossa. And we see the entire crew has been captured on the Black Pearl. ah They watch the Interceptor blow up.
00:59:17
Speaker
But Turner isn't dead. He shows right up. And he threatens to kill himself they don't release everybody. But Barbosa doesn't know that he's Will Turner. And Jack Sparrow's like, don't fucking tell me you're Will Turner. he's like, I'm Will Turner.
00:59:31
Speaker
My father's cum runs through my veins. And he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. al
00:59:42
Speaker
We do have Hogwarts because we have no showers.
00:59:48
Speaker
Don't come at me with your STDs. I have fucking warts on my heart.
00:59:57
Speaker
That's actually why Harry's mother didn't want to fuck me. That actually probably makes sense. She said it felt like a pickle. Ew. oh
01:00:10
Speaker
Oh, Snape, your cock is all warty. yeah. So Will's like, if you let Liz grow and the crew are not harmed, I will surrender.
01:00:25
Speaker
And next cut, they're making Liz walk the plank and they make her fucking strip. Not nude, but the you make her strip. You're like, I want that fucking dress back, by the way. It's a nice piece. um And they send her off and they make Sparrow also walk the plane plank and they give him, he asked for his pistol with one bullet, which they give to him.
01:00:46
Speaker
um Jack and Liz swim the shore. we This is the island the same island that Jack was mutinied and exiled to. So he knows that there's a rum case.
01:00:57
Speaker
Right. And Liz wants know how he escaped the first time, but the truth of the matter is that there were rum merchants running up and down and used to stop there. He got a ride. um We cut and Liz and Jack are drinking rum, having a good time, where Jack is trying to riz her up.
01:01:15
Speaker
Yeah, he's trying to fucking... But she ain't for it. And the next cut is Jack waking up on the island. um And he sees Liz burning all the rum to make a smoke signal.
01:01:28
Speaker
And literally cut and Governor Swan and crew are there. And they do not want to go rescue Will. And Liz asks Norrington to do it And he's like, And she's like, as a wedding gift? If you rescue Will, I'll let you plow me.
01:01:42
Speaker
And he's like, yeah. Yeah.
01:01:46
Speaker
We cut to um this pirate on the Black Pearl ship telling um one of the mates on, I think he's telling Will that Bootstrap wasn't happy that they marooned Jack and Barbossa sunk him the bottom of the ocean.
01:02:06
Speaker
ah We cut to Jack telling Norrington to wait outside of like the area where like the treasure is. um And when the ship show up, just blast them. and Sounds easy enough.
01:02:17
Speaker
Yeah. Also, the time travel, like like they're in this location where the treasure is and they're not and then they are again. Like the distance from the treasure to that island that Jack got exiled on is like a hop, skip and a jump. You don't feel that distance or like time.
01:02:35
Speaker
You don't feel the passage of time at all. I feel like. i mean, it might not actually be far. It might be like right outside.
01:02:43
Speaker
That'd be fucking stupid, I feel like. i agree. um So they're about to cut Will's throat to sacrifice him to get the curse lifted, and Jack shows up, and Jack says the Navy's waiting outside for them, and Jack says, ah let him have
Epic Battle Scene
01:02:58
Speaker
the pearl.
01:02:58
Speaker
Y'all can take the naval fleet, and then you can be Commodore Barbossa. I'll give you 10% of my plunder. What's on my plunder? I guess it's a fucking plunder. You want it? Yeah.
01:03:10
Speaker
I need a fucking plunger for my asshole. um Him and Barbosa bargained for 25%. ah And while Jack's talking, he's kind of like holding these gold medallions that are inside the loot bin.
01:03:25
Speaker
Loot bin? the treasure box? Loot bin? Loot bin, treasure box is all fucking slang for Punani. That's what I'm talking about. Pussy.
01:03:38
Speaker
Twat. Snatch. Gash. Cunt. Yeah. um Barbosa tells them to all take a walk and we see them all walk underwater as skeletons.
01:03:51
Speaker
um And I'll be honest, the rest of this movie for me is just kind of too long. Like, just get on with it already. It does go on for a little too long. I wish I had the long John Silver button. This movie is an hour and 43 minutes and it fucking feels like it.
01:04:05
Speaker
That's like 2.23. What'd I say? An hour and
01:04:10
Speaker
what i say an hour Yeah, I meant to say it's two hours and 23 minutes. You're right. That's what I meant to say. They sneak on board some of these naval ships and kill some of the Navy.
01:04:21
Speaker
We see Liz sneak off into a rowboat. um Then there's a distraction boat. It's just two of these draw-ins. One of the guys that doesn't have an eye has like a distraction.
01:04:33
Speaker
They're dressed up as women. They get into a fight which exposed them as skeletons and for some reason alerts them to turn around and see the rest of the Black Pearl crew ready to attack them. they have whole fight scene.
01:04:44
Speaker
We cut to Jack talking to Barbossa and when he suddenly grabs a sword off another pirate, tosses one to Will and we have a long, long, long fight scene and not another way. Like too long. like No, it's like...
01:04:58
Speaker
I mean, the one in Revenge the Sith, great. This one way too fucking long. I agree. It's like... It probably goes on for like 10 minutes, right? More than that. I think... so that So... The next... There's like Navy dudes in like rowboats too.
01:05:14
Speaker
But on the main join, they're getting attacked. So this Navy dude rings a bell, which notifies him to go back. um Next scene, we see Jack stab Barbossa. Barbossa stabs Jack, but... Jack took a coin and kept one.
01:05:27
Speaker
So he's a fucking skelly. He can't die. um so
01:05:34
Speaker
Liz saves the crew on the like Jack's crew. And then she's like, all right, let's go save Jack and Will. they're like, no, we have the Black Pearl now. We're going to just hang here. So she rowboats herself there by herself and knocks out a pirate who's attacking Will.
01:05:51
Speaker
We see Will and her skewer like three dudes together. This is actually pretty sick. They stick a grenade in this dude as a skeleton, then push him out of moonlight, and he's a dude. And then they just all explode.
01:06:03
Speaker
We see Jack ah cut his hand, and he tosses coin to Will. We see Barbossa pull a gun, and you think he shot Elizabeth, but actually Jack fired first and shot him.
01:06:18
Speaker
Not Han. Right. Jack. yeah And
01:06:25
Speaker
we see Will drop two coins into the treasure chest, his blood included on one of them. um And Barbossa bleeds out. We see the people from the Black cro Pearl crew become like actual people going to have to surrender.
01:06:44
Speaker
ah Will and Liz talk and he's like, oh, we should go make sure your fiance ah safe. And Sparrow's like, what the fuck are you doing? Maybe you should tongued her down right there. Yeah, fucking drain her snatch, right? Right.
01:06:58
Speaker
So Jack, Will, and Elizabeth go to leave, and Jack's been abandoned by the Black Pearl crew. um So the next scene, they're going to hang Jack Sparrow. Even if they're always done, they're gonna hang him because he's a pirate.
01:07:12
Speaker
um and they see Cotton's parrot that talks for him, which is like a bit during the movie. ah they You see this bird shit on one of the Navy soldiers' jackets. And Will walks by and tells Liz that he loves her.
01:07:25
Speaker
And... um
01:07:31
Speaker
Right. And he throws a sword through like the where he's going to be hung. And when Jack gets hung, his feet hit the sword so he's not like hanging, hanging.
01:07:45
Speaker
um And he will in the Will fights the executioner.
Jack Sparrow's Escape
01:07:49
Speaker
um The executioner actually hit accidentally hits the ropes. Not wrestling. Yeah. And he frees Jack.
01:07:57
Speaker
And Jack and Will try make a run for it, but quickly get surrounded. And Will's like, Jack's a solid dude, bro. No reason why you killing him. He's a good man. And Liz is like, yeah.
01:08:08
Speaker
Yeah, I like Will. Huh. The governor is like, all right, everybody weapons down. um And Jack tries to like make a grand exit. And then he trips and falls off a cliff where he lands in the ocean.
01:08:24
Speaker
And he's picked up by the crew of the Black Pearl. And I guess Will gets pardoned for his actions for moment. And he makes out with Liz. um Jack gets crowned captain of the Black Pearl. And that is the end of the movie. ah great What a wild one.
01:08:42
Speaker
Yeah, the like last like 20 minutes just kind of drag. Especially like the fighting the when they try to hang Jack and all that kind of shit. Like it feels like the movie's over already.
01:08:55
Speaker
Like what are we like? What are we doing?
01:08:59
Speaker
So you said this is top five live action Disney? I think it is, yeah. have to look. I don't know if I can agree with that. What do you going Four and a half.
01:09:11
Speaker
Four and a half.
01:09:14
Speaker
It just did something for me. It's kind of like magical. I think it's the acting and like the set design and everything. and
01:09:24
Speaker
Oh, live action...
01:09:30
Speaker
if If Narnia is Disney, the first Narnia for me, I like more than this movie. Really? I think so, yeah. Is that a hot take? I think so.
01:09:41
Speaker
I think it's probably, I'm looking at the live action ones, it probably is top five. Because they ain't got many heavy hitters. They shit. They got straight shit.
01:09:53
Speaker
Right. You what mean? Like flicking it. Fucking flick my shit, you know i mean? Yeah, right. I'm going to flick my shit. Spread eagle me and fucking flick it. Just flick me. Just flick me as hard you fucking can.
01:10:06
Speaker
Yeah, I forgot that live action Disney is pretty trash. That's I'm saying. Yeah, you're right. I'm going to give it a four, I think. I'm at. I mean, that's fair, yeah. It's a good it's a good movie.
01:10:17
Speaker
It's not a five for me, but it's it's definitely a good film.
01:10:22
Speaker
We'll do a little... So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com.
01:10:33
Speaker
Follow us on Tik TOK and YouTube for the clips when they're back up and running. Yeah. I mean, send us a voicemail by now. Yeah. Send us a voicemail five away, eight fist us five away, eight dip tip.
01:10:50
Speaker
And that's going to be a six minute limit. As always. All that shit going to be in the description. Click it, flick it, stick it. Yes.
01:11:03
Speaker
um We're going to try this again. It went horribly with Harry Potter franchise, but it's a little bit sooner than later this time. So, Friday, if you're listening to this, it's July 1st. Friday...
01:11:16
Speaker
We're giving you a boner alert episode on the one and only. We're like, we have to think of a 4th of July movie. What better to do than Jaws? Because it takes place on the 4th of July.
01:11:31
Speaker
And I just realized that I did not do this right. Um...
01:11:42
Speaker
Next week, I actually don't know what's coming out because this is wrong. W. Lit. So, surprise. We'll let you guys know what it's going to be.
01:11:53
Speaker
You'll know. But we'll see you on the next Pirates episode for a Dead Man's Chest. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.