Transcript
Speaker: But why do you think that you've been so successful? And, you know, how... Have you learned everything that you've learned and packaged and delivered it? in a way that breaks through to your clients and moves the needle because you have so many success stories.
Speaker: How did I learn all these things and how did I... How do I make them digestible? My first instinct is how can I make The words. played. For me, if I'm not having fun putting the language together.
Speaker: i don't I don't want to say it. Right. It's not going to be fun for the person reading. And I'm always the first person reading the stuff that I wrote. So it needs to be interesting to me. But it also needs to make sense. Because I am both playful. And also very...
Speaker: um Let's call it like. Logically. driven I value that things make sense. I value proof. I value data. I value... how we figure out what we actually think we know. Like I want to know what it's based off on. Offer just...
Speaker: just for the sake of being at peace with it. Because if I'm going to do something, somebody else tells me. to do. it needs to make sense. And if it doesn't make sense, I'm not doing it. So that is my ethos.
Speaker: Is that it? I'm the same way. Yeah. yeah so So if... And that's how I am in general. That's also how I am with the things that I share. It needs to be interesting. It needs to be. funny or it needs to be some sort of like creative turn of phrase but it also needs to be true it needs to be valid it needs to be useful it needs to be impactful And those are my two rules. Is it interesting?
Speaker: And is it impactful? in reality. So. Yeah. That's how I come up with those insights. because i think Insight is... Or let me say this differently. When we think of like aha moments, like those types of insights. is because we're seeing things in a way we didn't see them before.
Speaker: And we are most open to seeing things differently when we are in a state of play. So I play as a way to learn. And we there's so much research that... We learn so much better when we're playing anyway, which is why our kids learn things so fast. They're playing all the time.
Speaker: So. As adults, we tend to think. Play as a reward or rest as a reward for work. When in reality, I see it as a requirement to work. So I think that straight women and gay men face very similar obstacles when it comes.
Speaker: to women seeking long -term partnership. or gay men who are seeking long -term partnership. um because many men seem to prefer hookups or situationships.
Speaker: What other similarities do you see? I'm a straight woman And it's like. and Not only am I a straight woman, but two of my closest gay friends. It's them wanting long -term partnership.
Speaker: The men only wanting sacks. The men only wanting to hook up. And then... Something a difference, I think, between the gay community and the straight community is some gay men seem to really. have a preference for being in an open relationship.
Speaker: More than straight. People do. I'm not saying that straight people don't, but I'm just saying I think it's a little disproportionate. um But I think. Men. only wanting to hook up. when the gay man or the straight woman wants more.
Speaker: To me is. but Do you see any other similarities? And I. I feel like you're going to push back and be like gay men don't like open relationships.
Speaker: i'm just I'm just speaking from what I have seen. like I'm not speaking in absolutes at all. because yeah My gay BFF, he is married. And he. They are not open.
Speaker: However, it was. Not easy for him to get to. The marriage and I'm not talking about with his current partner I'm just saying, like, I witnessed. I had front row seats for all of.
Speaker: The struggles and drama. yeah It is a journey. and It was a journey. That's a nice way to put it. And then my other. Very very close. Gay friend, it's similar where he wants boyfriends and and that's hard for him to come by. Very hard. And and these are both.
Speaker: quality people who check every box. So yeah, what other similarities do you see? And go ahead and push back on anything I said if you want to. Okay, so there's a ah couple things I want to...
Speaker: Touched base on T. pulled out some really cool threads that I think will also further this the discussion. but I'll first answer your question about the similarities. So I said earlier that. The number one reason anybody is single is because they're trying to have a level 25 relationship with level 3 dating skills, right?
Speaker: And this is not just like. An analogy, like if you can actually take the dating skill quiz at datingskillquiz .com. or whatever that'll go more into that but Level 25 relationship is what people want. Level 3 dating skills is what they had.
Speaker: right And so... The first thing to be aware of is that level 25 relationship. is our unrealistic expectation that no real relationship ever lives up to. So if you imagine there's really just, well, dating skill levels. So...
Speaker: 12 is reality. at max. 25 is what we want. Nobody can meet that. It doesn't exist in anybody's reality. Three is what we're actually prepared for or have the capacity to create right now, right?
Speaker: So... When you think about being in a relationship. The primary reason they fail, right, isn't infidelity or money. So I'm like a subject matter. perspective. It's not infidelity or money. It's the frustration experienced because of our unmet, often unrealistic expectations. This means that the number one skill we have to develop is the ability to set realistic expectations for ourselves, for our partners, and for our relationships. Okay, so this goes back to that mitos piece. And this is...
Speaker: What I see is like the biggest similarity. For all the daters, whether gay, whether talking straight, women, doesn't matter. Like, this is the number one thing that. all singles who struggle in love tend to have in common.
Speaker: the expectations around relationships. are not conducive to... happiness And so the way you can think about this, how do I know if my expectation is a... is realistic or not. First things first.
Speaker: Am I a person? Who? can sustain. relationships? Am I a person who can get into relationships? Am I a person who has The emotional regulation skills.
Speaker: to deal with. relationships So in other words, when we think about the dating pool as a pool, let's use our pool analogy. There's really three questions we got to ask ourselves. first am i ready to go to the pool and that's what we're talking about right now Are my expectations realistic? Am I emotionally available?
Speaker: Do I trust myself in the water? Do I have self -confidence, right? And then the third is, do I actually have... the time? Do I have that logistical capacity? It's a git. Into the pool to go to the pool, right? So that's the first thing. Am I ready? A lot of people are asking. the what type of person is right for me question. And they haven't even asked, am I right for my own dream yet? question.
Speaker: That's question one. We out the other. Okay, so that's number one. I feel targeted, child. I feel targeted up in this. Good Lord. Go ahead and destroy me with number two and number three.
Speaker: This is... You know. It's only a drag if it needs to be. But... but that's the first question right am I ready to go to the pool The. Second question is...
Speaker: do you know how to get to a quality pool? Because when when you think about this, a quality pool, is a deep end pool that contains people who fit the qualities on your list. Okay, some pools are intentionally shallow, like...
Speaker: hookup apps or whatever so you're not likely to find a lot of people who are willing or able to go deeper. And that means you got to locate pools with deep ends because you're more likely to find other people who can swim in pools that have deep ends. You can't deep dive into a puddle, right?
Speaker: And so... There's like. Let's say four things you need to know if you want to assess the quality of a pool. And I think this is the second similarity. gay men and straight women. Don't. have good school selection skills.
Speaker: And so they're saying there's pee in the dating pool, but. What you might not know is that the pee is concentrated in the kiddie pool, and it's rarely a problem for people who have the skill to swim in deeper waters. like people who have really great relationship relationship skills and dating skills. are not complaining about the pee in the pool they just go to a different pool Yeah, but I mean... I think another similarity is.
Speaker: superficiality. Did I? Like, so it's just speaking to what you're saying and just like this, and this preface. this preference for... wanting a partner who looks a certain way.
Speaker: It could really cloud judgment and kind of guide decisions. And it's absolutely ridiculous. um Yeah. So, yeah. i And it's it's really unfortunate because if people were not so superficial.
Speaker: they would have found partnership, I think, a lot. earlier and healthier and better partnerships. But if. he Somebody got to be at least 6 '2". then it's gonna... decimate their dating pool.
Speaker: Yeah, because to your point. Earlier when we were talking about matching, you asked me, How did I come up with those things? and i'm mention We need to look at the essentials. What are the essential things that produce the result that we want?
Speaker: Right. If our goal is a happy, healthy relationship, with someone that I enjoy, someone. who I feel comfortable with, someone where the sex is great, like all those different things.
Speaker: their height has nothing to do with any of that that is a non -factor for it like And I'll say this a different way. Attractiveness? Gets you attention?
Speaker: but it does not. Predict. Relationship success or longevity and that's why so many cute people are single Yes. Ooh. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't be attracted to your partner. Of course you should be. But the problem is, You're using attraction.
Speaker: As. A reason to invest in the relationship? And that is the problem. The attraction. Your level of traction does not tell you the level of return you're going to get on an investment with a person.
Speaker: You know what? I wish more people understood that. It's it's so, so frustrating to me. um you know it's like society the media whatever they really teach you to go for the stereotypical beautiful person.
Speaker: And it's just, it's a waste of time. It's a distraction because I'm 5 '4". So I'm obviously and I'm not 5 '10", for example. And so, hi. To me, it like somebody doesn't have to be. tall for them to be taller than me.
Speaker: However, It doesn't matter how tall a woman is I speak to. She wants a tall man. She wants him to be 6 '5". She wants him to be 6 '5", 6 '2", whatever. and I've talked to many women and I've never not once been able to change their mind when it comes to the height requirement. Not once.
Speaker: And so, I mean, and these some of these women are five feet tall. You know, so it's like. Just the hyper focus on something so completely ridiculous. it's It's so prevalent.
Speaker: And it's a yeah huge factor. But I'll speak for myself. Yeah, I don't mind. Okay. Yes, go ahead. Yeah. So at first, I'd said to you, when I started my company nine years ago,
Speaker: I was in a long -term relationship and then it ended. So at first, I definitely felt that pressure. to both be in a relationship and for it to be perfect because Like our. As I said, our...
Speaker: dissolution of that relationship was because of the instability that starting a company created for me, right? So it wasn't that. We were like fighting all the time. Like, no, it wasn't any of that. And again, we're still friends, right?
Speaker: But the the pressure to be in a relationship. Really? was intense at first. Until I got clear on exactly what you just mentioned. So if we think about it from a different perspective, let's say. Someone's been at. a human resources professional for 20 years. They help people get jobs. They've hired tons of people, right? Like they've done all the HR things. They know exactly what it takes.
Speaker: to get a cheaper job. But then... They get laid off. Do we say, you've been in HR for 20 years and now you got laid off? You don't know shit. No, we don't do that. We obviously did that life happens to everybody. And I think that is the part that people Forget.
Speaker: Just because... life happens. doesn't mean you don't know what you do know. Because there's lots of reasons why relationships end. And it's not always because you picked the wrong person. Or you didn't have the skills. or something was wrong. But like, there's all kinds of reasons relationships end. and the lint of a relationship. does not determine the success or satisfaction of that relationship. you Because we know people who've been married for 50 years and hate each other. there Right. Like that has nothing. Lent does not equate to satisfaction.
Speaker: But in society, we view it as a metric, though, of success. Yeah, we do. And I think that's also because. When people who aren't experts try to have expert opinions, they often... judge people for things that don't mean what they think they mean.
Speaker: So, yeah. and and And I'm not saying that... wanting to see someone in a lasting love and relationship. Who? is preaching tenets of how to get and keep a lasting love or relationship. Like I get the dissonance. I'm not saying it's not important. What I am saying is.
Speaker: Sometimes... Our judgments are harsher than the reality that we are judging because we're not there. We're not inside of it. We don't know what's going on. Right. So in other words, it's...
Speaker: People are going to say whatever they're going to say. whether you do what they want you to do, whether you aren't. Like, I could also be a dating coach and be married and people are judging the relationship I'm in, right? Like people are going to have shit to say. Whether you're doing what makes you happy or whether you're trying to bend yourself to make them happy.
Speaker: So you might as well do what makes you happy. i didn't answer me yeah Yeah, I didn't even think about people judging the relationship of. The dating code. Yeah, the opinions don't stop either direction.
Speaker: Doesn't matter. Like people are always going to have things to say. I just happen to be a person who... Even though I went through that first, like i I quickly figure out what matters to me and what doesn't.
Speaker: And the thing that I realized about trolls. Because let's just call anybody who has an opinion about... something you do and you didn't ask them for it and they're offering it. you know, on social media in a comment section.
Speaker: so Anybody's doing that is trolling. I think trolls are cool. ah And like, funny. I don't personally take a fix. to the things that trolls say. Because ah we're not really afraid of what people think about us. We're afraid that people will think what we think about ourselves.
Speaker: And if I'm at peace with me and I know what I'm doing and I am fine with where I am and what I'm doing, then you have an opinion about it. Is not going to eat at my self -esteem because I don't actually believe what you're saying about me right and so as You're handsome, smart, successful.
Speaker: And trolls tend to be none of those things. Listen, like you're bored and you're mad because you don't have the life that. you wanted to create for yourself. And so now you're coming at me for taking the risk, the chance to actually go after mine.
Speaker: Like. I can't be mad. As anything, I... I am compassionate toward the pain you must feel. that causes you to want to cause me pain.
Speaker: I mean, not if not for me. I don't view it it that way because I just feel that. Um, Yeah, there is definitely, there are people who. and What's so fascinating is how people are very creative.
Speaker: sometimes with their insults. They really create. Stories. And they're just so nasty. Like there's this one girl on TikTok. I was looking at her video the other day and this girl said, Something about.
Speaker: You need to get rid of all those rolls on your neck, fatty. And this woman looks like she weighs like 110 pounds. up and you know, who she said this about. And I just thought, OK, so this person who left this comment is trying to give.
Speaker: This TikToker, a complex. an eating disorder. Or whatever it is. And it's like there were no rolls. Like there were no rolls on her neck. um She didn't have the thinnest neck, but...
Speaker: They will create. something they will create a lie and attack somebody for that lie And I think it's despicable and disgusting. I don't have any compassion for pubs.
Speaker: Thank God there's a block button. But i like I said, these are not successful people. These are not happy people. They're not. Like at minimum, these are not. successful or Happy people. They just. Yeah. and And or even if they are, they're evil. Like there's something broken in them, something really ugly in them.
Speaker: That's disgusting. But no. And a lot of it sometimes could be jealousy if they see you thriving and now you're married or you were partnered and now married. That's that could trigger them in some way if they themselves are struggling.
Speaker: norman And the other thing to be aware of too, so we're we're talking about the pool and like pool selection. The. When you... Hmm. Okay. how many edges do you want your audience to lose right now? Because we can pull some edges with this. here later okay coach up in here yes
