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Episode 18: Finding Peace When Your Marriage Falls Apart
171 Plays5 years ago
Courtney Joseph is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute with a degree in Evangelism and Discipleship. She loves God’s Word!
After over a decade of leading women’s Bible studies, mentorships and workshops in her local church, she decided to move her ministry online at WomenLivingWell.org, where she is blogging through the Bible - one chapter a day.
Courtney’s passion and sincerity have made her a leader in the Christian blogging community. She is the Founder of GoodMorningGirls.org and has almost 2 million views of her videos on Youtube. She has been featured on the nationally syndicated television program, The Rachael Ray Show, and has spoken at many national conferences including Relevant, Allume, Proverbs 31 Ministries’ She Speaks, The Nines, Axis, Mom Heart and Hearts at Home.
Courtney has published over 20 Bible studies with both her Ecclesiastes and Ruth studies ranking #1 for Christian Devotionals on Amazon. You can follow Courtney’s ministry on Facebook, Pinterest, Youtube, Twitter, and Instagram under the Profile: Women Living Well.
Mentioned in this episode:
Resource: 30 Scriptures for Hope During Hard Times
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This podcast is produced and edited by Angie Elkins Media, Inc.
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Transcript
Introduction to Root Like Faith
00:00:08
Speaker
Well hello, I am Patrick Schwenk and I am so thankful that you are listening in with me today at Root Like Faith. It is our deepest desire to encourage and equip men and women to be rooted in God's Word, transformed by the love of Jesus, and moved by His mission in the power of the Holy Spirit. Nothing is more important.
Conversation on Suffering with Courtney Joseph
00:00:25
Speaker
today we're continuing our conversation on suffering and more specifically how we can get through the hard stuff and as we said we're going to be inviting some of our friends into this conversation and today I am just really excited to have another one of those friends joining us her story is so important for us to hear
00:00:42
Speaker
And I know it's going to be a story that's going to encourage you. And it's a story that we can really learn a lot from. And her name is Courtney Joseph. Many of you may already know her as a popular Bible teacher, blogger, and author. And I can't wait to share today's episode with you and introduce you to Courtney. And so let's get started.
Introducing Courtney Joseph and Her Achievements
00:01:02
Speaker
Well, my guest today is Courtney Joseph. She is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute. She is the creator of WomenLivingWell.org, where she is blogging through the Bible one chapter a day. She is also the founder of GoodMorningGirls.org. She has been featured on the Rachel Ray Show and has spoken at many national conferences, some of those including Proverbs 31 Ministries, She Speaks, the Nines, and a lot more. Courtney has published over 20 Bible studies, and you can follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram,
00:01:32
Speaker
under Women Living Well. And so I want to encourage you to check out the show notes. Her full bio will be there. But Courtney, welcome to Root Like Faith. We're so glad to have you here today. Thank you so much for having me. Well, Courtney, I know that you and Ruth, my wife, have been friends now for 10 years. We were talking about that last night. And so I think you guys have been friends for 10 years. Is that correct?
00:01:53
Speaker
That's right. Oh, I love her so much. You guys, I know Ruth, um, I think she was just getting into blogging and you had already been blogging for, for a time. And so I remember her kind of reaching out and
00:02:05
Speaker
and just picking your brain and getting wisdom. And so I know you have been such a faithful friend. I just want to begin by saying thank you for being such a good friend to Ruth. I think as a parent, and you know this as a parent, we oftentimes think about and pray for friends for our kids, for the right friends for our kids. And I was just thinking about that recently as a spouse, as a husband,
00:02:27
Speaker
like how important that is for me, for my wife. And so I just feel like you have been such an answer to prayer. You've been that kind of a friend, just a godly friend, a dependable friend, a faithful friend to Ruth.
Facing Marital Challenges: Courtney's Story
00:02:40
Speaker
And so I just want to start by saying thank you for being that kind of friend to Ruth over the years. She's been the same for me. I mean, I will later probably mention her, but she's one of my friends who showed up in the midst of my crisis and not just
00:02:52
Speaker
you know, with like a text message to say she was praying, but she showed up physically. And it meant more than I think people, you know, realize when people actually show up in that way.
00:03:04
Speaker
Well, Courtney, as you know, you we have a book coming out in September and it's called in a boat in the middle of a lake, trusting the God who meets us in our storm. And it's a book about suffering. It's a book about trials. It's a book about those circumstances, those seasons when we find ourselves disoriented, disillusioned.
00:03:24
Speaker
And it's really a book about the many ways that God teaches us in the midst of chaos, even more so than in a classroom. And so we're going to be talking about that theme today on this episode. And as you know, everybody at some point finds themselves in a boat in the middle of a lake.
00:03:39
Speaker
And it might be a miscarriage. It might be a child that has a disability. For us, it was my cancer diagnosis. But your deep waters came in the context of your marriage and in your family. And so as we get started, would you just share what that looked like? Would you just begin by sharing your story and how you found yourself in deep waters? Yeah. My husband walked out.
00:04:04
Speaker
on December 22nd of 2015, just three days before Christmas. It was the worst timing in the world because there was no way to conceal it. Christmas is a time when you see all your family and all your closest friends. Unexpectedly, suddenly, I was in the midst of fighting for my marriage.
00:04:26
Speaker
was just all these people were around and there was suddenly lots of opinions and lots of voices entering in and I was still myself just
00:04:35
Speaker
in shock of the fact that my marriage was starting to unravel. So just to begin the story, you know, 10 months later on October 31st of 2016, after 19 years of marriage, our divorce was finalized in court. But let me back up and just share with you just sort of how we got there. I met my husband my junior year of high school at the church youth group. And my senior year, he took me to prom and that summer we fell in love during the summer.
00:05:05
Speaker
We both went off to college separately, so I went off to the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, and he went to the Ohio State. We dated long distance for four years, but during that time, you could not keep us apart even though we were apart. I went home every month, every chance I could go home, like fall break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day, you name it. I was back in Ohio to see my man.
00:05:28
Speaker
And he was super consistent guy. He's a very intense guy and so he wrote me a letter every single day of those four years and I have all those letters still upstairs. So when we got married it was just a huge relief to finally be together.
00:05:46
Speaker
And so the first six years of our marriage were just, we really enjoyed each other. We had a lot of fun together, just filling the foundation of our marriage. We got along very well, no red flags that I can say looking back like, oh, I knew this was coming or anything like that. Just a typical marriage with, you know, ups and downs and fights and things. But we had gone on missions trips together and led Bible studies in our home. He was a deacon. And I even worked at his business some helping him as a secretary, just, you know,
00:06:16
Speaker
you know, supporting his dreams and his goals until I gave birth to our son, who is now 17. And then I gave birth to my daughter, who is now 15. And it was at that time after my daughter was born that he got an amazing job opportunity, but it was in another state.
00:06:32
Speaker
And since we had dated long distance, um, we kind of thought, Hey, we can do this. Like he can travel for business and you know, we're used to being apart sometimes. And, um, and so I wanted to stand by his goals and just really never questioned it because I never imagined that, um, temptation would arise that would eventually lead to the end of our marriage. Um, and so it was in year 18 of our marriage that I discovered his affair.
00:06:57
Speaker
And then on December 22nd of 2015, after he did fight about it, he left. And I was in shock. I was a walking zombie. I didn't, you know, believe that he was actually truly gone. I just believed the good in him and in our marriage. And I just thought he is going to repent and go to counseling and we'll be reconciled. But that is not what happened over the next 10 months.
00:07:23
Speaker
Um, he did come home. Um, I don't know about five months into our separation. He showed up at the door and, you know, said, you know, he wanted to reconcile, but it quickly fell through.
00:07:35
Speaker
and we try to go on a family vacation in the summer and we stay together in the hotel room once again just trying and I was just willing to do anything I was like I will forgive you you know just come home you know I kept flashing my wedding ring at him and being like you are married to me you know like come home but he would say it can't be fixed I've already done this he just did not feel like he could and so
00:07:59
Speaker
I did not want to get lawyers involved. I did not want to start fighting over money and kids because I knew that wouldn't lead to reconciliation in my mind. That's what I felt and but he did want to get divorced and so he drafted a dissolution and
00:08:13
Speaker
And he invited me to meet at a local Dunkin Donuts to go over it with me. And I remember before we met, I pulled out my wedding album and I pulled out a picture. I'm sorry, I'll get a little. I pulled out a picture of us at the front of the church where we were holding hands, saying our vows. And I took it with me to that Dunkin Donuts. And as he pushed across the table, that dissolution,
00:08:37
Speaker
of all the things written out for what he wanted in the divorce, I passed across the table that photo. And I said, I said, till death do us part. And I mean to keep my vows. And for better, for worse. And this is worse. And I didn't want it. And he paused. And it was kind of a somber moment. And he just took the picture and put it in his binder. And then we continued on with our conversation. And then six weeks later,
00:09:07
Speaker
Um, in court, the gavel came down and, um, and it was just about a quick two minutes in court. It's so fast and it came down and the man I loved for 24 years had divorced me and our marriage was over. Wow. I am so sorry. I mean, I just, I know, you know, obviously this isn't the first time, um, I'm hearing this story and for many of our listeners, it will be the first time, but just even hearing you share some of those details, hearing parts of your story again, um, it just,
00:09:36
Speaker
is so heartbreaking and I can't even imagine. I won't pretend to know what it's been like for you as a wife and as a mom, as you said, you know, to two amazing kids, our daughter Bella's friends with Alexis and just what that has been like to walk through. And I know Ruth and I were just talking recently just, I mean, just how amazing you have been walking through this. I mean, again, we can't imagine how painful that has been and just how challenging
00:10:04
Speaker
it has been, but just you are to be commended for the way you have handled yourself in the midst of that. And I don't mean just publicly. I know that you have shared in different places at different times your story, but
00:10:20
Speaker
I think even more importantly, the way you have handled yourself privately in those conversations you've had with Ruth and with other close friends that we know, you are to be commended. I just think you have honored God in the way that you have handled this. There's been things that you have chosen not to say.
00:10:38
Speaker
where you could have said certain things. And so I just want to say thank you for just being an example of walking through this in a Christ-like way, in a godly way. And you have modeled that, I think, in so many different ways for Ruth, as you guys have been close friends, and just for many people that have watched from a distance. And so thank you for just the way you have done that.
00:11:02
Speaker
I want to ask you a little bit more. I know you were kind of sharing a little bit about just how you did fight for your marriage. I want the listeners to hear that again because you did fight for your marriage over and over again and you gave Keith opportunities to come back.
00:11:20
Speaker
And I think I'd love for you to kind of share what that looked like, you know, practically, because I know that it wasn't like just sort of come back on your terms. I mean, there were things that as you were fighting for your marriage and desiring to be reconciled, there were some things you were asking him, and rightfully so, to do and to be a part of that in the end, he wasn't willing to do that. And so would you just share what it looked like for you to try to reconcile and when you knew that it just wasn't going to work, when it was time to just walk away?
Finding Strength and Forgiveness
00:11:50
Speaker
Well, the very next day after our divorce on October 31st, he immediately took the other woman and left the state. And he went to a place about 1,800 miles away, and he bought a house. And once again, it was kind of a shock for me because I was just like, oh, wow, he really is gone. He went and did something kind of permanent, purchasing something. And so I, at that moment, thought, OK, it's over. And I've got to accept this. I fought to the, what I felt at the time, was the end.
00:12:18
Speaker
But what happened unexpectedly was he came back on Christmas morning. And this is something we still do every Christmas. He comes at eight in the morning and we're with the kids and we stay together until about 1.30. And so that Christmas, he showed up and he was different. He was really wanting to talk to me. He had missed me. He was remorseful. And so we began to talk about reconciling. And so by February,
00:12:46
Speaker
Um, he wanted to come back home only we weren't married. And so I'm like, how do we do this? Um, I'm like, you're gonna need to stay in the basement. Uh, because I didn't know exactly, you know, I did, there's no book on how to do it. And so I was like, okay, I want to get remarried. I want to welcome you home. But like, so the very first time that we tried to reconcile after divorce, I did not have a lot of great boundaries yet.
00:13:10
Speaker
We started going to church as a family, a new church. Every week he met with my parents and he apologized. He came to an extended family get-together where he was welcomed in and loved. We looked at a new home and bought a new home locally. And we were going to start over.
00:13:28
Speaker
We went he went to a counseling session with me and then he took me and the kids on spring break 1800 miles away to go visit the new house that he had purchased there and so you know it's a little crazy and very chaotic when I look back all these things being purchased and flying around and there was just a lot but I was just I will admit that like I was just in denial and I was just very much a
00:13:51
Speaker
just wanting to be surrendered to God, like whatever I can do to put this moment back together, I will walk through the fire and do. And so I thought we were making it. We were talking about remarriage and we're on this trip. And on the very last day of that trip, the Lord allowed it to be revealed to me through a weird situation that during those seven weeks, he was still not being faithful to me. And so
00:14:15
Speaker
I again was just in shock and I came home and he said I'm gonna move the other woman into that new house locally and that was a dagger in my heart like you would not believe it was second like you're kidding me no you've come back with my family we're going to church like we're so I felt like we were so close and so that is when emotionally
00:14:39
Speaker
I began to like say okay I need boundaries and I can't open myself up like this for my kids for my sake but over the next 18 months he would call me from time to time and say that he wanted to come home and so we would begin to talk and I would say okay we need to start counseling and these things and he just did not want to follow through with going to counseling and so it would regularly fall through and
00:15:03
Speaker
In June of 2018, this is really interesting because the title of your book is something I actually said to him that night. But June of 2018, I remember that he wanted to meet me at a Dunkin Donuts. It was late at night. It was like midnight. And it is a different Dunkin Donuts, by the way. We must have something with Dunkin Donuts. I'm never going to a Dunkin Donuts again.
00:15:24
Speaker
empty parking lot and he invites me to get out of my car and into his pickup truck and he's again saying hey I miss you you know can we talk and I'm like reassuring him yes you're you know I still love you and that but you know I started to say you know what I was like but the dock has left I mean the boat has left the dock and I've gotten out into the middle of water and here's why I'm different now I now know I'm gonna be okay whether you do the work or not
00:15:52
Speaker
Whether you go to counseling or not what know whatever happens here. I know I'm gonna be okay and so I said I need the actions not just the words and when you do that work, I'm here and He didn't want to do the work He felt that unconditional love met no conditions and meant that he did would not be required to like go to counseling or do anything and I on the other hand just felt that
00:16:15
Speaker
that for my own protection and my kids that I couldn't do that. I couldn't just open the door to my home in that way. So that is when
00:16:25
Speaker
I realized that it wasn't, it was the first time for me in a sense to kind of walk away and say, you know what, if you don't, I'm good. I'm not gonna keep on just being here available in that way. I was still praying for reconciliation, but I wasn't just an open door. So this is when I kind of realized when he walked away from that, I knew that we probably were coming to an end. Yeah. Well, it's interesting. Just, I mean, the grace that God gave you, like you said, I mean, just that's such a powerful statement that you were,
00:16:53
Speaker
in a boat in the middle of a lake, and yet you knew you were going to be okay with or without Him. Even without Him, God was going to sustain you, that God was with you in the midst of that. It sounds like what a crucial turning point that was for you in beginning or maybe continuing the healing process. What role
00:17:14
Speaker
I mean, what does the healing process look like for you as you kind of came to grips with the closure of your marriage, realizing this is not going to work, he doesn't want it to work, he's not willing to do the work to be reconciled? I mean, what does that healing process look like for you from that point until now? And what part of forgiveness, how much of forgiveness has that played into the healing process for you?
00:17:39
Speaker
Well, it's kind of strange because one of the things that I think for some women that might be harder just based on different, I don't know, life experiences, personality, things like that. But for me, the affair was not maybe as hard to forgive as maybe some of these other things that I've struggled with. So, for example, forgiving the affair, I wanted to empathize with him. I wanted to hear what it was that led him
00:18:01
Speaker
I want to take responsibility knowing I was not a perfect wife. I did not want to take responsibility for his affair, but for the fact that there was a breakdown in our marriage. And so I wanted to hear what are the things that hurt you or that were bothering you. For example, one of the things is that he loves to ride motorcycles. So while we were married, he had Harleys. And so he would be like, let's go for a ride. And I'm like, really?
00:18:24
Speaker
Do I have to? It was very begrudgingly, I'm not a high risk girl, high adventure and he is like super is. So that was a disconnect and that was hard. And he was right when he said, that hurt me, I needed you on the back of the bike to feel your arms around me there. And riding alone was hard for him. And like now looking back at that, I can see that and I can empathize with him in that sense, but that doesn't make it okay to go have an affair.
00:18:51
Speaker
My brother-in-law, I was talking to him the one time about it and saying how bad I felt and he said, I love to golf and my wife doesn't. That does not mean I can go and, you know, and so that made me feel better. But I still wanted to take responsibility for parts of our marriage where I had failed. And so I was able to end that space. I felt like forgive.
00:19:12
Speaker
And I have forgiven him. But the part that I struggle with in forgiving him is what has happened since. The hurt to the kids. The emergencies when he's not there. When my kids have been injured and I'm in the emergency room and he's not there. When the pilot light goes out on my water heater and I don't know how to relight it and I'm watching YouTube try to figure it out.
00:19:31
Speaker
I mean, it's things like that when the basement is flooded, when the light bulb in the foyer that's super high, I have to figure out how to change it. You know, it literally makes me mad at him. And it's on an ongoing basis, things that frustrate me that there's an empty chair at our kitchen table, that there's an empty spot in our garage, that empty spot in the pew. You know, all of that is really it's a daily forgiveness. It really is a regular
00:20:01
Speaker
him because there's a lot of hurts that come in the midst of a divorce. Yeah. No, that's really guy. I know, you know, I don't know who said it. If it was, it was Tim Keller who talked about, or maybe Paul Tripp, the idea of forgiveness being not an event, but it's a process and you know, event or forgiveness isn't something we just do once. It's something we go on doing. And I think that's really what you're describing. I mean, you, you have forgiven
00:20:24
Speaker
And yet it's that daily battle sometimes where the memory of that reality surfaces in a variety of ways and it's choosing to go on forgiving him. It's that process and not just an event of choosing not to
00:20:38
Speaker
keep punishing him. Um, I think is what, what Tim Keller talks about in the area of forgiveness. Um, I mean, talk a little bit. I mean, your, your kids are, are awesome. They're, they're 15 and 17. Um, I have not met either one of them in person, but I know Bella is our daughter Bella who just turned 16, um, is friends with Alexis and they're, they're talking and doing stuff on Instagram. It's so fun to see them.
00:21:01
Speaker
coming into the gifts that God has given them but talk about I mean this is not and you mentioned it you know previously that this hasn't just affected you as a wife it's affected you as a mom as a parent and so like what does that look like for you to just parent your kids well during this time because this is a
00:21:20
Speaker
not just Keith's son wasn't just against you, it was against them, it was against your whole family. And so what does that look like for you just to be a mom to Alex and Alexis over the last four years and what does that continue to look like today?
00:21:36
Speaker
Well, someone told me that your kids need one stable parent. If you could just have one, the stable. And so I was like, all right, I'm going to have to be that one. I can't get crazy crying, you know, all day under in my bed, under my covers, you know, just, you know, like I was like, I got to get out of bed. I got to keep moving forward. I got to make I got kids. You know, they keep you moving in that sense, too. And at the time I was still homeschooling, which
00:21:59
Speaker
In a sense, I feel it's unfortunate for them because they were kind of stuck in this space and they, you know, this was like their whole world and they didn't really have that, you know, freedom to go to school. And so they were, you know, here in that space. And so that was hard. But I wanted to stay as consistent and as steady and just walking out my face before the kids.
00:22:18
Speaker
just praying with them and stay as steady as I could.
Maintaining Faith and Family Stability
00:22:22
Speaker
During that time, I also started counseling for myself and talking with good friends. I began to work on myself, but my son did struggle more than my daughter. There was a long season where he was
00:22:37
Speaker
very angry, very adverse to going to church. And so as a mom, I had to figure out, you know, I wanted to be firm but loving. I wanted to give them the freedom to like miss youth group while saying, no, you must go to worship service.
00:22:53
Speaker
and so just working through those battles as a mom I got very scared like oh my gosh I lost my husband now I'm gonna lose my son too and it got very scary for me because I couldn't see how it's gonna end where he's at today he's doing great I mean I can't remember the last time he disobeyed me he's just great
00:23:12
Speaker
He's going to today do something nice. You should have never said that. No church battles. He's come through with that. He had to work through his stuff. I'm sure there will still be stuff he has to work through. We all are working in progress. It was scary and it was hard, but just praying with them and still reading the Bible and just staying as steady and consistent as I could, that was for me the key.
00:23:37
Speaker
Yeah, it's so good. I just think it is so difficult. I think it's so easy to become absorbed with our suffering. I just know that when I was going through treatment, I felt terrible physically. I was scared. I was worried when we didn't know the outcome or how effective treatment was going to be.
00:23:59
Speaker
And so it is, no matter what you're going through, whether it's in marriage or cancer or a job loss, it's just so easy to kind of turn inward. And I just love that. I think that's such a great challenge for those that are listening that might be walking through some difficult season to remember that our kids are watching us. And that was one of the best pieces of advice my sister gave me.
00:24:23
Speaker
I have two older sisters and one of them, they didn't feel like encouragement at the time, but they said to me, she said to me, you know, all eyes are on you. And what she meant by that was that, you know, you've been preaching and teaching for 20 years and people have listened to you, now they're going to be watching you.
00:24:42
Speaker
And that was just such a great, I feel like God just gave me those words early on in my diagnosis. And I certainly didn't do it perfectly in our home. And there's things that if I could go back, I'd do differently with our kids. But I just, I love that. I just think, again, praise God for the grace that He gave you.
00:25:02
Speaker
is you were dealing with something incredibly painful that God gave you the grace and the wisdom to continue just investing in your kids and leading them well and not becoming absorbed in your own suffering because that is just so, so hard. Apart from God's grace, it's impossible.
00:25:18
Speaker
Um, you know, one of the things I learned in, in my suffering is just how weak I am. And so I just sort of, there were things where I was like, Oh wow, I have preached on that, but I don't really believe that, you know, that I don't really, I said, I believe that, but that's not really a deep belief. Um, and so my suffering kind of exposed
00:25:37
Speaker
some areas where I needed to grow and some things that I, you know, of course I believed them, but I didn't believe them deeply. They weren't promises or truths that I really was clinging to. And that was one of the ways God just shaped me and transformed me. But what are some things that just over the last couple of years you've learned about who God is and maybe things that you've learned about who you are? How has God used that storm to reveal new things about who He is or maybe new things about who you are?
00:26:07
Speaker
Well, first I know for me one of the things that I learned in my suffering is that learning to accept unanswered prayers.
00:26:19
Speaker
That was really, really painful for me for God to not answer my prayers. I dug in deep, praying and fasting. I knew that there were possibly thousands of people that prayed for my marriage because of my blog and me sharing a little bit there. I was just like, why?
00:26:37
Speaker
Is this not happening like you know and now I can so relate to people who've prayed for people who are sick and you know maybe they pass away they don't get that answer prayer I would not know the pain of that without walking through this to understand that you know and I would tell the kids.
00:26:52
Speaker
You know, this is where God shows up best. This is where you know, this is where he shines he transforms life He changes people, you know We're gonna keep praying and then then in front of the kids for it to not happen and you're like, uh-oh I gotta be careful, you know, and like I started getting like okay I trust God but like my roots of my faith run deep and
00:27:09
Speaker
And my kids, you know, their faith is young. And I was worried that these things would knock them down, and they may not be able to stand again, and they might doubt and not trust. And I think those things did happen. I think we did have to wrestle through that. So one of the things I learned when you were mentioning about weakness was that there, that was definitely learning to just truly surrender to God and say, thy will be done. But my will was different than where I'm at today.
00:27:37
Speaker
But then as far as what I learned about God, just that the Jehovah Jireh, that he is my provider, I always knew that, that he is my provider, but then I had to like live it and just financially, but spiritually and emotionally and physically, like the way he provided for me
00:27:54
Speaker
emotionally through friends showing up with flowers and with coffee and I mentioned at the beginning Ruth you know at your wife I remember that the group of my blogging friends offered to come the week that my divorce was gonna go through I think actually Karen even it said we will come to the courthouse with you and that sounds like Karen that's awesome
00:28:19
Speaker
my parents will be there you know and stuff and I said but you know what would mean a lot to me is if maybe you guys had come a few weeks later and just can we just have fun can we just laugh that's what I need like I've cried a lot but I just needed friends to just take my mind off of it and they did rue showed up and Karen and Claire and Katina a bunch of us got together and we laughed and we had so much fun and it was what I needed and God
00:28:43
Speaker
just has done that. And, and that has meant so much to me, like little kisses from God, where I just feel like times another situation was during the pandemic, I was feeling very, very, you know, during stay at home orders, it's just me and two teenagers stuck in my house. I'm like, I might go crazy.
The Role of Community Support
00:29:01
Speaker
I struggled when I look on Facebook and all these other families, you know, husbands and wives are together and they're like, oh, it's a great time together watching movies and all this. And I'm like, OK, this is not great. I need it. I need another adult. And so but what put like a straw that broke the camel's back, which is very insignificant to other people, but my propane tank ran out on my grill.
00:29:23
Speaker
And I have never replaced one before. And so I put an SOS out to my Good Morning Girls group and was just like crying, actually, over a propane tank. Which is just like, what is wrong with you? But it was too, it was this extended period of alone time with that band, with just these kids. And I start crying about it. And wouldn't you know, at the next day, one of the girls in my group showed up at the door with the propane tank in her hand. She's like, my husband showed me how to do this. I got this, you know? And it stopped like that.
00:29:50
Speaker
just people showed up unexpectedly. I thought I was going to have to figure it out. It wasn't the end of the world. God is my provider. Yeah. That is so good. I love, you know, just, you know, the way you're describing the community that God has put around you and just the way that that
00:30:06
Speaker
you know community sustains you and strengthens you in the middle of the storm and you know that that passage in Mark 4 where you know Jesus takes the disciples out into the storm you know he takes them together and and so suffering is never something we do by ourselves it's something that we do together that we should do together and so I just
00:30:25
Speaker
You know, I know for Ruth and I that has been such an encouragement to us over the last couple of years and you use that word show up and I just think that's so appropriate. Like you don't need people to do everything. You just want somebody to do something and just the simple things sometimes the ways that people show up bringing a propane tank. I mean just those kinds of things mean the world.
00:30:46
Speaker
Uh, to somebody who's, who's in the midst of, of, you know, great suffering and, and just, you know, struggling something as simple as a propane tank can seem so, so, uh, so overwhelming. And yet the gift that is when somebody does show up and just, you know, meets that need in a practical way or just hanging out, just being together, you know, love doesn't let somebody be alone for too long.
00:31:05
Speaker
And so I just love that. But let me just ask you one last question. What encouragement would you give to someone who has experienced the pain of an unfaithful spouse? What hope would you give them?
00:31:19
Speaker
Well, I think once you're in the space where you are divorced, you realize that divorce is a little like a chronic illness. Just because you got a divorce, it doesn't mean like you just, you know, wash your hands of it and now it's over. It doesn't go away. The ex-spouse is still there, is still a part of the children's lives. And so it's something you do have to continue to deal with.
00:31:40
Speaker
And you have to seek healing. You have to press in in your walk with God every single day in our own strength. We cannot do it. We cannot be strong enough. I am not strong. It is only the Lord that every day sustains me. And one of the things I did learn was that I had to move forward with my own life. I could not become consumed with this. I need to create a new life.
00:32:01
Speaker
filled with things that I love, what I believe that God is leading me into, reading good books, going to counseling, the practical things. Work out, eat right, take care of yourself, work on yourself. That's the practical stuff. But as far as hope, one of my favorite chapters in the Bible is Psalm 46. It's a Psalm that I read regularly to my kids in the morning before school. And I just want to read the first three verses. It says, God is our refuge and strength.
00:32:29
Speaker
a very present help and trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling, Selah.
00:32:42
Speaker
And what I love about those verses is saying, even if the mountains are moved into, even if the worst things happen in our lives, Selah, be still and know that he is God. He is our refuge. He is our strength. He is present in times of trouble. And so we don't have to give into fear. And these are just verses I have to meditate and I have to keep telling myself to believe. Every day, wake up and believe. I choose to believe every day the truth of God's words.
00:33:06
Speaker
over the lies of the enemy that tempt me to want to just crumble into pieces or fall into temptation or go a different path. I want to stay on the path that God has for me, and I do have to fight for that. And there's so many unanswered questions when you get divorced. You know, am I going to be okay financially? Are my kids going to be okay? Am I going to be stuck single the rest of my life?
00:33:28
Speaker
And you know, and it's just be still, be still, live surrendered. We are so loved by God. And, and so just to keep walking with Him and abiding in Him. Yeah, so good. Well, thank you. And thank you again for just sharing your story. I know, you know, even though it's been a number of years, it can still be challenging, painful to kind of revisit, you know, some of those those parts, some of those pieces of the story. And so again, thank you.
00:33:52
Speaker
so much for just sharing your story, for being on the episode today. And I just know that there's a lot of people who needed to hear this, who are going to benefit from hearing your story. And Ruth and I are just so grateful, again, to call you a friend, a ministry partner, and we just love you and your family. And so thanks again for just being on today and sharing your story. Thank you for having me.
00:34:13
Speaker
I want to close, I know we were talking earlier, I've been in pastoral ministry now for about 20 years and I've had the privilege of walking alongside so many couples and families over the years and I've seen marriages restored and I've also seen some
Closing Reflections and Prayers
00:34:28
Speaker
of those marriages that have been severed apart for a variety of reasons and so as we close, I want to just
00:34:35
Speaker
pray for you. I want to pray for your family. And then when I'm done praying for you and your family, would you just pray for our listeners that maybe you're going through a difficult time in their marriage? Maybe they haven't experienced an unfaithful spouse, but they're struggling in their marriage. And so I just love to pray for you. And then when I'm done, if you would just pray for those listeners that maybe are in that place today.
00:34:57
Speaker
Okay. Father, we just come before you again today and God, we do love you. Thank you that your love for us is steady, that you never leave us. You don't forsake us, that you are true to us. And so we just thank you for the love that you have poured out for us in Christ, that the cross is the greatest evidence of your love for us. And so we thank you that you've given us your son, Jesus, that he died for us, that he rose again.
00:35:22
Speaker
that he has ascended that he sits at the right hand of you God the Father and one day he's going to return and we thank you that there is nothing that can separate us from the love that you have for us in Christ and God I thank you so much for Courtney for her love for you and God just for the grace that you have poured out on her and her kids during this time and I just lift
00:35:42
Speaker
her and Alex and Alexis up to you today. And God, I ask that you would continue to be a refuge to them, that they would continue to rest in you, that you would surround them on every side. And I pray that you would continue to give them strength and wisdom and God, that you would use this
00:35:58
Speaker
and continue to use this. You've already used it, but continue to use this, not only in Courtney's life, but in Alex and in Alexa's life as well. We just pray that you would raise her kids up to continue walking with you and delighting you and serving you. And God, I pray for Keith. I pray for Courtney's ex-husband. God, that you would bring him one day to a place of true repentance and brokenness. God, that he would see his sin for what it really is.
00:36:22
Speaker
and that God, that you would bring him back to a right relationship with you. And so wherever he is today, whatever he's walking in, whatever he's in the midst of, God, we ask that out of your grace, you would pursue him and love him and bring him back to you first and foremost. And so I just lift up Courtney and her kids to you today and Lord, we love you and we trust you and we thank you for her story. We know it's going to be an encouragement to so many listeners today. And we pray that in Jesus's good name. Amen.
00:36:48
Speaker
Dear Heavenly Father, God, I just lift up to you the women who are listening today who are in marriages that are hard, God. I pray that you would give these women wisdom, that you would give them strength. I pray that they would know your love, that they would feel your presence in their lives, and that you would comfort them. I just pray that you would show them what they should do, Lord, when they should be firm and
00:37:12
Speaker
stand up to evil in their marriage and when they should be humble and admit their their failings and the things that they need to work on. Lord, I just pray for Christian families everywhere. God, Satan just hates us and he wants to rip us apart. And I just pray, Lord, that you would strengthen marriages, that you would give men and women and husbands and wives humble hearts and that you would just draw them closer and tighter and that the
00:37:36
Speaker
children and the generation after generation that we would all just follow after you, Lord, for your glory. And so I just pray for the women also who right now are walking through the dark days of divorce, who are on the other side and just don't know what's ahead. And it's scary, Lord. I pray you give them peace. I pray that they can be still and trust you every day, that they would wake up and just trust in you, that you are a good God, that you love us so much, that you do provide, that you are with us. And I just pray that you would just continue to carry them.
00:38:05
Speaker
And we love you guys so much. You are a great God and you are so good. In your name I pray. Amen. Amen. Thank you again, Courtney. One quick word about our forthcoming book, In a Boat in the Middle of a Lake. It isn't here yet, but it will be here on September 8th. But you can pre-order that book today and get the first three chapters right away. You can get a scripture memorization guide and an exclusive access code to a private Facebook group.
00:38:29
Speaker
With Ruth and I, we're going to be giving you kind of a sneak peek into our lives and sharing some more resources with you over the next few months. And you can head over to Amazon or Barnes & Noble or really anywhere books are sold to pre-order your copy and we'll be sure to leave the link to the pre-order goodies in the show notes. And you can also go to inaboatbook.com for all of the pre-order details.
00:38:48
Speaker
As Courtney showed us, no matter what we are facing, we can find peace when we go to God's Word. If you are in need of God's hope today, we have a special gift for you. We know that sometimes it can be hard to even know what Bible verses to go to first in the middle of suffering, so we put together a resource for you called 30 Scriptures for Hope in Hard Times to Get You Started.
00:39:08
Speaker
You can download 30 scriptures for hope in hard times and the show notes at rootlikefaith.com forward slash podcast. Be sure to go to the site. You'll see Courtney's full bio in different ways that you can follow along with her ministry. You can follow us at Instagram or on Instagram at Patrick W. Schwank and Ruth Schwank on Facebook.
00:39:28
Speaker
And if we don't say it enough already, we are just thrilled that you are joining us and we welcome you into our family here at Root Like Faith. Be sure to subscribe on Apple podcast so you don't miss an episode.