Transcript
Speaker: What's up fam?
Speaker: Through self-development and spiritual growth, take the next step in life, love, and your leadership through the Mixing It Up podcast with your host Sylvester Mixon.
Speaker: Hey, let's get ready to get empowered.
Speaker: All of us want healthy, happy, full relationships.
Speaker: And one of the keys to enjoying that and embracing that is having healthy communication.
Speaker: But the flip side of that is the people that you spend the most time with, be that your spouse, your relationship partner, who you're dating, your friend, family, whomever, also means there's a greater risk of misunderstanding and having some conflict.
Speaker: But when you invest in perfecting your communication skills in your relationships, you're gonna be rewarded.
Speaker: For example, you may begin to see increased trust because real communication in relationships means that you go to the people that you care about, about everything.
Speaker: You share the happy times, the sad times.
Speaker: You share good days, bad days.
Speaker: You're willing to watch this, be vulnerable to them.
Speaker: That's right.
Speaker: I said the cuss word vulnerable to them, especially in this age of trust issues.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Because, you know, that they're going to support you, that they're going to love you no matter what.
Speaker: And an absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the key things that leads to building increased trust in your relationship is that you've got to learn to be vulnerable.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You have to let people in.
Speaker: Not only that, you have better conflict resolution, better conflict resolution, which means that we know that there are going to be some different disagreements.
Speaker: They're going to be those times where you don't see eye to eye, where you bump heads.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And.
Speaker: I think all of us know that couple you can probably picture in your mind who you see fight all the time.
Speaker: And and then there's those that you never see fight at all.
Speaker: And all relationships, they have their ups and their downs, both frequent fighting and no fighting at all are signs of a lack of communication in relationships.
Speaker: And you say, how could that be?
Speaker: Because here is the reality.
Speaker: All relationships are going to have some degree of conflict.
Speaker: And the goal is not to run from conflict.
Speaker: It's not to cower from conflict.
Speaker: It is to confront conflict because here's the rule.
Speaker: I can never complain about what I'm unwilling to confront.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so the key isn't never to disagree with those you love.
Speaker: It is, however, to improve your conflict resolution skills by growing partly in your communication skills.
Speaker: You all know that I'm a believer and an advocate for the word of God.
Speaker: And there's a scripture in James 1 19 that says, let every person be quick to listen.
Speaker: slow to speak and slow to get angry.
Speaker: I believe that's a good practice and a good pattern for developing healthy relationship, healthy communication skills within our relationship.
Speaker: But not only is there increased trust when we communicate healthy, better conflict resolution, but there's also increased intimacy.
Speaker: See, when you communicate how you truly feel and from the space and place that you really are with love and honor and honesty, you develop a greater sense of intimacy.
Speaker: And intimacy, I always tell the church, is into me you see, right?
Speaker: It's being into the person that you're talking to.
Speaker: Like they've got your attention.
Speaker: They've got your focus.
Speaker: They've got your ear.
Speaker: They've got your heart.
Speaker: And they feel that.
Speaker: Like they can feel you literally pouring into their love tank.
Speaker: And so they want to communicate to you.
Speaker: Intimacy is that ability to listen, to understand, and be compassionate toward the other person.
Speaker: And developing your communication skills show that you respect and that you value the other person and their feelings and their opinions, whether you agree with them or not.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: When the people in your corner get this feel honored and accepted in this way, then the emotional intimacy skyrockets.
Speaker: And for those married folks, the physical intimacy follows often as well.
Speaker: I'm telling you, trust shoots to a higher level because that person feels that.
Speaker: That they can be safe around you, that they can be vulnerable with you, that they can share their deepest feelings and thoughts with you and not be negatively criticized or judged or beat down or shut down.
Speaker: Your communication causes your relationships to skyrocket exponentially.
Speaker: Truth is, a large amount of relationship stress and distress, breakups, breakdowns, divorce, can all be attributed to one factor, and that's not sharing our true feelings.
Speaker: Particularly when these feelings may cause conflict or may ruffle feathers with the people that we care about.
Speaker: But the thing is, is that when you don't express your true needs, your pain, your emotions, these things begin to build up.
Speaker: And without authentic, vulnerable, true conversation, your relationships start to suffer.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: That that that friend or that that spouse becomes a stranger who you see regularly, but you don't even know.
Speaker: Like you guys are are are near to each other, but you don't know each other because you're not being truly honest with who you are.
Speaker: and with where you are and here is the danger friend that over time if you are not honest with where you are and what you feel right or or watch this acquainted with yourself enough to know where you are and how you feel because i've discovered that sometimes our dishonesty may be a part of our lack of self discovery
Speaker: And so it's critical that you know you and know how you feel and and explore that and express that, because if not over time, you can cause the relationship to numb out and become detached from your your friend, your spouse, partner, or even knowing your deeper self.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: When we form relationships where it's okay to express what we're feeling, then over time, here's what we do, we feel safe.
Speaker: We feel greater meaning and we feel the joy of being connected with this or these individuals.
Speaker: As a pastor, one of the things and counselor, one of the things that I've noticed that shuts people down or closes them off, people get real weird when I encourage them or they're encouraged to talk to their lover, their friend, their family member, you know, their mentor about how they really feel.
Speaker: The look on their face is almost as if they have seen a ghost.
Speaker: And so why is this?
Speaker: Well, I want to talk to you about a few reasons why it is that people feel afraid to share or to communicate how they really feel.
Speaker: One reason people don't communicate how they really feel is they believe it'll make things worse.
Speaker: You know, this is probably the most common reason that I hear why it is that people don't communicate or share their feelings or their deep emotions with those that they love because they feel that if I share this, then this will cause greater drama, greater conflict.
Speaker: It will cause things to be even more toxic.
Speaker: And if I could be 100 with you, if I could tell you the truth,
Speaker: In all honesty, it may cause a little bit more conflict.
Speaker: It may it may ruffle some feathers.
Speaker: But here's the deal.
Speaker: It also will bring about greater intimacy and a deeper connection because people can never do what you don't define.
Speaker: People can never come into understanding of what you won't reveal.
Speaker: You've got to be honest with where you are.
Speaker: And so here is the truth.
Speaker: When you feel hurt, you feel loved.
Speaker: You feel closer.
Speaker: You feel more safe.
Speaker: You feel more courageous to do.
Speaker: And you feel more light on your feet to be able to move because what?
Speaker: You are able to be heard and hear out a loved one and both realize that, whoa, we're on the same page.
Speaker: And ultimately, if it truly is a purpose partner, then we all want the same thing, a healthy, loving, winning, thriving relationship.
Speaker: And so it's so important that you guard against becoming passive aggressive or avoidant or acting out in unhealthy ways because you won't articulate how you feel for fear that it will make things worse.
Speaker: Let's talk about number two.
Speaker: Sometimes we don't articulate how we feel because we believe that we'll seem needy or or be deemed as extra.
Speaker: And and this whole idea or concept can make us feel some type of way.
Speaker: The idea that we are called needy or made to feel as extra.
Speaker: But there is a way to share how you feel without per se burdening another person.
Speaker: You may say something like, I'd like to share with you some difficult emotions I'm having and see if we could talk through it a little bit.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: It's different from screaming, from crying, panic, from throwing a tantrum, from being shut down and shut off.
Speaker: In fact, it's quite the opposite.
Speaker: You're most likely to have an emotional breakdown and overwhelm your loved ones if you keep suppressing the emotion.
Speaker: You know, we talk about.
Speaker: here at UCC how many people are either we're either stewers or we're a volcano spewers we either stew our anger or we explode our anger and if you keep suppressing your emotions you're gonna do one or the other and watch this all of that unaddressed emotion is going to come out at some point and when it comes out it will make it hard
Speaker: for other people to understand why you're upset when you did not articulate how you truly feel.
Speaker: Another reason people don't communicate how they feel is that they feel as if they'll stress the other person out.
Speaker: And I want to ask you a question.
Speaker: Which would you prefer?
Speaker: Would you prefer for someone you care about to stress you out in the moment with their difficult feelings or to completely blindside you by ending the relationship abruptly?
Speaker: You see, whenever you fail to have those needed discussions or healthy confrontations about your relationship, then unaddressed hurts start to pile up.
Speaker: And eventually, over time, people end up pulling away.
Speaker: Or going through the motions in the relationship with no real connection.
Speaker: And we all know how that feels.
Speaker: That's a horrible feeling to be connected to someone and feel no connection at all.
Speaker: Let me say this, guys.
Speaker: It's okay to have some stress and frustration.
Speaker: This is how relationships and how people grow.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Is that we grow through those difficult times.
Speaker: Here's another one.
Speaker: People say I don't talk because I feel like they won't get it.
Speaker: And a lot of times what I've discovered is it may not be that they won't get it as much as a lot of times we feel they don't get you.
Speaker: They don't get me.
Speaker: And being misunderstood is one of the worst feelings that you can have in a relationship.
Speaker: One writer said that they would rather be unloved than misunderstood because understanding me, getting me, trying to get me.
Speaker: gives me this sense and the feeling that you actually love me.
Speaker: Let me tell you something.
Speaker: You can't control how people will react.
Speaker: But if you express yourself respectively, you will experience the blessings and the benefits of being honest in your relationship about where you are, how you feel, what you need.
Speaker: You end up coming out with a better outcome.
Speaker: You come to better understand your feelings, yourself, and to value yourself for expressing your authentic feelings.
Speaker: This gives you the opportunity to see how your loved one actually handles the more complicated discussions and how they can be a healthy asset to you or partner to you in the long run.
Speaker: But if you don't express how you feel, then they can never get what you won't help them to understand.
Speaker: Finally, you may say my feelings are wrong.
Speaker: And this can be confusing when we're trying to express ourselves.
Speaker: You know, right when it gets down to time to express your feelings, you start to doubt yourself and your experience.
Speaker: You start thinking maybe I'm not being fair or this is how I'm.
Speaker: I see things, but they have their point of view and maybe my point of view is wrong.
Speaker: And these are the kinds of thoughts that may stop you from having the confidence to communicate and express how you really feel.
Speaker: What's important to note is that if you have feelings, then you owe it to the relationship and your partner, your spouse, your friend, brother, sister, whomever owes it to you to hear you out.
Speaker: Because if there's a feeling in the relationship, then the relationship should be a safe space for both parties to express how you feel so that you can grow.
Speaker: And even if the thought is a...
Speaker: wrong thought or a toxic thought, at least it can be expressed, confronted and resolved through healthy communication and healthy conversation.
Speaker: You see, the whole point of expression
Speaker: isn't to prove a case or to be right.
Speaker: It's to be emotionally honest with your loved one and to also hear them out.
Speaker: And so in that process, you may change your perspective and hopefully end up feeling better.
Speaker: That's the goal is that.
Speaker: At the end of the day, you want to come out both on the top, both win-win, as Dr. Stephen Covey says, in this process of being vulnerable and hearing each other out so that you can bring the relationship closer, cause the relationship to be more healthy.
Speaker: The relationship to be more loving, the relationship to be more fun and enjoyable.
Speaker: And then remember, there is grace to grow.
Speaker: So give yourself some grace and give those that you are in relationships some grace to grow.
Speaker: keep the right connections, feed those right connections, and cut off those negative connections.
Speaker: Remember, keep each other's love tank full.
Speaker: As I always tell the people that I pastor, it's important that you feed what's feeding you.
Speaker: So you can keep on getting fed.
Speaker: And I pray today, I'm no expert, but I pray that these nuggets helped you out and will help you in developing healthy, whole, happy relationships.
Speaker: Because I truly believe that relationships are the key to life.
Speaker: And God wants your relationships built.
Speaker: There's a passage, and you know I got to quote the good book.
Speaker: It says, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and strength, and then love your neighbor as you love yourself.
Speaker: Healthy self-love, healthy God-love, healthy friend-love, so that you can experience the best that love has to offer.
Speaker: I'm Sylvester Mixon, and this is Mixing It Up.
Speaker: Hey, I'm Sylvester Mixon.
Speaker: You've been listening to Mixing It Up.
Speaker: Win big today.
