Transcript
Speaker: Did you know that 65% of failed relationships cite poor communication as the primary reason for their breakdown?
Speaker: Here's an even more shocking stat.
Speaker: The average couple waits six years after problems begin before actually seeking help.
Speaker: Wow, that's six years, y'all, of silent dinners, unspoken resentments, and emotional distance growing wider day by day like a cavity in their relationship.
Speaker: If I can paint a picture, envision with me a couple at Starbucks having what I call a phone conversation.
Speaker: And both of them sitting across from each other completely buried in their devices.
Speaker: Two mochas, two people, zero connection.
Speaker: They probably posted about their coffee date later on Instagram or Facebook, you know, or snap, couple's goals.
Speaker: But what really happened was anything but couple's goals.
Speaker: Here's the truth.
Speaker: I've been that person.
Speaker: We've all been that person, right?
Speaker: Where we're in a generation that can instantly message anyone worldwide, but can't tell our partner when we're hurting.
Speaker: We can post our deepest thoughts on Snap, on Instagram, Twitter, but can't have a real conversation about our needs with somebody sitting right next to us.
Speaker: Today, fam, we're going to dive into the communication crises that's silently killing our relationships.
Speaker: And trust me, this isn't your typical just talk it out advice.
Speaker: We're actually going to tackle some uncomfortable truths that about why we'd rather double tap than double check our communication habits.
Speaker: Fam.
Speaker: through self-development and spiritual growth take the next step in life love and your leadership through the mixing up podcast with your host sylvester mixon hey let's get ready to get empowered
Speaker: So we need to have a real conversation, y'all.
Speaker: Like literally, we need to have a real conversation.
Speaker: And I'm not talking about, you know, just something surface level, but a real conversation to where we kind of look in the mirror a little bit this morning so that we can walk in our victory.
Speaker: in proverbs 15 and 1 the bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger now i want you to let that sit a gentle word all right turns away ralph but a harsh word stirs up anger wow so now this is this is your communication is literally either putting out fires or starting them
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Your communication, your ability to relay information from one person to the next, your ability to receive information is either putting out fires or you are starting fires.
Speaker: Now, I want you to let that simmer for a moment.
Speaker: And I want you to ask yourself that question.
Speaker: Am I putting out fires or am I starting fires?
Speaker: am i putting them out or am i starting them up because here is the truth john maxwell says everyone communicates but few people connect oh my god he says everyone communicates but few people connect you see there's a lot of talking but ain't a whole lot of walking because there is the illusion that we actually had good communication
Speaker: wow now this is critical because because if there is no communication then there can be no cooperation and i believe that what god wants more than anything is for our relationships to be in such a successful place that we are able to communicate
Speaker: and navigate life and relationships well so let's look at the communication autopsy you know when a person dies they perform an autopsy uh to determine the cause of death and other scientific things about that person who has been deceased you know and what i want to ask this morning is have you ever done an autopsy on your relation your failed relationships
Speaker: the relationships that have died have you ever done an autopsy on those and i'm not just talking about romantic relationships y'all uh i'm talking about friendships that have died family members that you ain't spoke to in years some co-workers that you can't stand uh to be around let's do that autopsy if you will uh go in your bible to james 119
Speaker: The scripture says, my brothers.
Speaker: Now, James is a New Testament book of wisdom and relationships.
Speaker: He says, my brothers and sisters, take note of this.
Speaker: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.
Speaker: and slow to become angry.
Speaker: Woo!
Speaker: Because human anger does not produce the righteousness of God.
Speaker: Whoa, wait a minute now.
Speaker: He says, let everyone, here's the process, be quick to listen.
Speaker: That's ears first.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: We used to tell our children growing up as they were growing up.
Speaker: Use your ears.
Speaker: Use your ears.
Speaker: He says that everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, he says, because the human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Speaker: Now, anger is a secondary response to a primary feeling.
Speaker: You know, you just say, I'm angry.
Speaker: Well, you're angry because something made you angry.
Speaker: And it's so critical in this hour of healthy relationships that we get down to the bottom of what made you angry?
Speaker: What made you talk out?
Speaker: what made you cuss them out what made you say what you said let me tell y'all something that that that may mess with you 90 of the time when relationships die it is because somebody's mouth was writing checks that their character couldn't cash whoo
Speaker: Oh man, we're gonna have a time this morning.
Speaker: Have you shared this yet?
Speaker: 90% of the time it is because in relationships, somebody's mouth was writing checks that their character could not cash.
Speaker: You see, you out here talking about speaking your truth, but you ain't submitted to the truth of God.
Speaker: john 8 32 says you will know the truth and the truth will make you free you you're dropping bombs of honesty uh but you ain't wrap those bombs in love come on somebody the bible tells us in ephesians 4 16 15 to speak the truth in love in other words there is a way that we do this
Speaker: First of all, James says, listen, you need to be a good listener.
Speaker: And that's not listen, listening to respond, because some people are really good at listening just so you can get your next point out.
Speaker: And God is saying that's not healthy communication, right?
Speaker: You should be listening actively.
Speaker: Dr. Stephen Covey says that if we're going to have healthy communication, here's what we want to do.
Speaker: We want to seek first to understand the other person's point of view, POV, come on somebody, not to seek first to be understood.
Speaker: Is this helping anybody this morning at all?
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: We want to make sure that we're not just trying to be understood because oftentimes a lot of the anger is you don't hear me.
Speaker: You're not listening to me.
Speaker: You don't understand me.
Speaker: But what we understand and what God wants us to know today is that we need to be healthy, mature believers, mature Christians in that we are quick to listen so that we can understand, right?
Speaker: And watch this and be empathetic by putting ourselves in their shoes.
Speaker: Ask yourself, how would I feel if I was in the other person's shoes right now?
Speaker: come on this is going to help some marriages this is going to help some relationships and and so he says quick to listen slow to speak you want to be slow to speak because the temptation is when you feeling what you feeling and you feeling away it's easy to say the first thing that pops up in your mind without healthily processing and thinking through these emotions to say is this helpful
Speaker: Will this progress this relationship?
Speaker: Is God gonna get the glory out of this?
Speaker: Come on, will this bring healthy resolve?
Speaker: Is this gonna help both of us grow or is this a check written that my character can't cash?
Speaker: not only are we performing a relationship autopsy but then number two we want to look at the four hindrances in every relationship it's four of them at least that hinder every relationship watch this number one uh criticism when you attack a person instead of attacking the problem
Speaker: whoo come on when you attack the person because you feel attacked and so you attack back instead of actually attacking the devil or satan watch this or the real problem ephesians 4 29 look at what it says the bible says do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth
Speaker: but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen wow he says don't let him that unwholesome you gotta ask yourself is my talk unwholesome criticism will tear down your relationships here's the next hindrance to relationship content contempt contempt
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: When you look down on somebody like they aren't worth the ground they're walking on.
Speaker: And we don't ever want to be those folks, especially as mature believers who look down on other people as if they are less than us, as if they are not a human being or in our category.
Speaker: Never want to look down.
Speaker: Philippians 2, 3 says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Speaker: rather in humility value others above yourself this is so good so far we see the first two hindrances are what criticism the second one is contempt and the third one is defensiveness defensiveness have you ever gotten defensive are you defensive now you see a great sign of a clear sign of immaturity is that you are always defensive
Speaker: That ain't me.
Speaker: What you mean by that?
Speaker: What you say?
Speaker: You are always on the defense, right?
Speaker: No, not in denial.
Speaker: And you've got to watch this because when you're defensive, you naturally build walls instead of building bridges.
Speaker: Oh, God help us that when you are defensive, you put up a wall and instead of actually building bridges, when you're defensive, you lash back, you lash out.
Speaker: You defend what your actions you don't accept responsibility.
Speaker: And this is very, very critical because a mature believer accepts responsibility.
Speaker: Mature believer says, you know what?
Speaker: I apologize.
Speaker: I wanted to hear you out.
Speaker: And I'm sorry for the way I said that.
Speaker: And I'm sorry for what I did.
Speaker: Not not not that fake apology that we do.
Speaker: You know, well, if I did anything to offend you, that's terrible.
Speaker: terrible don't do that you know if i offended you in some way well uh well since you said i hurt you no guys know that those are not apologies it is hey i hurt you acknowledge it type in the chat just go ahead and die
Speaker: Glory to God.
Speaker: Go ahead and die.
Speaker: Die.
Speaker: Accept your responsibility and go ahead and give it up.
Speaker: Give it up in Jesus name.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: I commend you.
Speaker: Come out of that pride.
Speaker: Come out of that defensiveness.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: And tell them, I am sorry.
Speaker: I hurt you.
Speaker: I did offend you.
Speaker: I did say something out of the way.
Speaker: And because I'm a mature believer, I apologize.
Speaker: I am sorry.
Speaker: And what happens is your pride dies.
Speaker: And sometimes you feel that uncomfortable feeling and you feel,
Speaker: You feel weird inside because pride is dying in you.
Speaker: But this is good.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: The Bible says pride goes before destruction and a hearted spirit before fall.
Speaker: If you ever want to mess up and tie up your blessings, live unapologetic.
Speaker: Live defensive every time someone brings something to you.
Speaker: And then if you want to keep people away from you, be a defensive person.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: One of the things that repels people away from us is being so defensive, is that people got to walk on eggshells around you.
Speaker: You're never receptive.
Speaker: You're never responsible.
Speaker: You're already looking for the first sign of offense or you just looking for somebody to hurt you.
Speaker: And so you carry yourself with a defensive persona.
Speaker: And it's like you always just ready to throw them blows.
Speaker: You're ready to throw hands.
Speaker: And you're trying to figure out why people don't like to be around me.
Speaker: Why is it I don't have great friends or healthy relationships?
Speaker: It's because of your persona.
Speaker: Your attitude is one of defensiveness.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: And what God wants from mature believers is that you are open.
Speaker: Smile sometimes.
Speaker: The psychology of a smile is that it elevates your mood.
Speaker: Come on, lift show, feel good.
Speaker: But then it makes other folks feel good and want to be around you.
Speaker: Come on, smile a little.
Speaker: Go ahead.
Speaker: Take a moment in practice.
Speaker: Just smile.
Speaker: Come on, show all 24.
Speaker: Praise the Lord.
Speaker: All two, praise God.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: It's the psychology of a smile.
Speaker: Look it up.
Speaker: It's psychology for real, for real.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Be sweet.
Speaker: Be nice.
Speaker: It's nice to be nice.
Speaker: And if I had time and I don't want to get off too far because I got to finish this and let y'all go.
Speaker: But the anatomy of the anointing in the book of Exodus is sweet.
Speaker: yeah sweet perfume sweet cinnamon uh and another sweet ingredient so the anointing we conclude is it's not nasty or mean that don't make you anointed the anointing is nice oh somebody type in the chat the anointing is nice come on niceness can destroy that yoke in jesus name amen listen the fourth thing that hinders is not only is it criticism
Speaker: Not only is it contempt looking down on people, defensiveness already in that Mike Tyson mode, but then number four is stonewalling.
Speaker: Stonewalling.
Speaker: When you shut down, that shutdown game is strong and it's bad.
Speaker: Praise God.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: This is not good.
Speaker: This is not healthy for believers.
Speaker: When you ghost somebody emotionally or spiritually, that's not the hand of God on your life.
Speaker: When you stone while other people and you don't speak to a matter or speak into a situation, you are stonewalling.
Speaker: You are ghosting in the spirit.
Speaker: And that ain't God.
Speaker: Listen, Colossians 313.
Speaker: Look at what it says.
Speaker: It says bear with each other.
Speaker: Forgive one another.
Speaker: If you have if any of you has a grievance.
Speaker: against someone forgive as the lord forgave you wow wow come on so god is saying listen you need to be emotionally present spiritually present and physically present and speaking to a matter if you have a disagreement with a brother or sister you got to listen and you got to try to listen empathetically by putting yourself in their shoes listen to the facts and the feelings
Speaker: when did it happen how did it make them feel and you talk with the facts and the feelings when did it happen how did it make you feel and you can gain a lot of ground in relationships number three uh let's look at the the the communication blueprint i call it communication blueprint here's what i want to give you number one truth must be marinated in love
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: Truth must be marinated.
Speaker: You know, a good dish is marinated.
Speaker: Praise the Lord.
Speaker: And whatever sauce you got putting on it.
Speaker: The Bible says, speak the truth in love.
Speaker: Listen, some of y'all are using truth like a weapon instead of a healing tool.
Speaker: You don't want to use truth as a weapon.
Speaker: You're so focused on being right that you forgot to be righteous.
Speaker: See, truth without love is just violence with a halo on it.
Speaker: You want to make sure that you are not using truth as a weapon, truth to be violent.
Speaker: But then number two, timing is a part of wisdom.
Speaker: Not only must truth be marinated in love, but number two, timing is a part of wisdom.
Speaker: There is a time and a season for all things.
Speaker: It may not be time to have this conversation.
Speaker: Now, listen, you can't put it off for forever because people forget they get holy amnesia.
Speaker: I don't remember I did that.
Speaker: you remember you know you did it but there there'll be a denial and so you don't want to wait wait too too long uh but sometimes in the moment it may not be the best time and other times it may need to be handled in the moment ecclesiastes 3 7. it says there is a time to be silent and a time for us to speak just because it's true don't mean it needs to be said right now
Speaker: Some of y'all need to learn the ministry of shutting up.
Speaker: Sometimes I can't get nobody.
Speaker: Lord, have mercy of a holy.
Speaker: Shut it up this time.
Speaker: Wisdom knows when to speak and when to hold your peace.
Speaker: This is so very, very important because the Bible says a word fitly spoken.
Speaker: at the right time is like apples of gold on settings of silver.
Speaker: Wow, wealthy, rich, received, beautiful, right?
Speaker: A word spoken at the right time.
Speaker: You gotta ask yourself, is it time?
Speaker: Is it time?
Speaker: Or am I out of time, right?
Speaker: Because some of us are professional procrastinators.
Speaker: You keep putting it off and you feel in some type of way and you need to address it.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Number three, your your ears are just as spiritual as your mouth.
Speaker: You're going to have good communication.
Speaker: Number one, you got to remember truth must be marinated in love.
Speaker: Number two, timing is a part of wisdom.
Speaker: But number three, your ears are just as anointed as your mouth.
Speaker: Listen, the Bible says in Proverbs 18, verse two, fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinion.
Speaker: A fool has no delight in getting understanding.
Speaker: They just gone.
Speaker: Just got diarrhea at the mouth.
Speaker: Just gone.
Speaker: They have no delight in understanding, but they love to air their own opinions.
Speaker: Wow, listen, God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.
Speaker: And some of y'all are so busy rehearsing your response that you haven't even heard what the other person said.
Speaker: oh my god we're so busy talking that you haven't even understood what's really going on that ain't communication that's just taking turns and making a lot of noise and adding gas to the fire of this situation and then number four for uh if you're going to have healthy communication you need a heart check
Speaker: Spiritual heart check.
Speaker: Open your heart before the Lord.
Speaker: Number one, truth must be marinated in truth.
Speaker: Number two, timing is a part of wisdom.
Speaker: Number three, your ears are just as important.
Speaker: And number four, you need a heart check.
Speaker: Check that heart.
Speaker: Type that in the chat, guys.
Speaker: Check that heart.
Speaker: Lord, have mercy.
Speaker: Check that heart in Jesus' name.
Speaker: Now, here's where it really gets real, though.
Speaker: Jesus said in Luke 6 and 45, for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
Speaker: Whoo!
Speaker: Wait a minute.
Speaker: Wait a minute.
Speaker: Check that heart because it could be what you saying is really what you feel.
Speaker: I didn't mean to say that.
Speaker: Yes, you did.
Speaker: Tell the truth.
Speaker: Shame the devil.
Speaker: Praise the Lord.
Speaker: Yes, you did.
Speaker: That was on your heart.
Speaker: and you got to be careful that you keep your heart healthy and in a good place with consistent worship uh consistent prayer consistent honesty and openness before the lord uh for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of is this blessing about this morning i'm almost gone so before you blame your communication problems on everybody else
Speaker: Let's do a heart check.
Speaker: Let's ask ourselves what's really behind your need to always have the last word.
Speaker: Is this good?
Speaker: Number two, let's ask ourselves, why do you feel threatened when somebody disagrees with you?
Speaker: It's not the end of the world.
Speaker: You just don't agree.
Speaker: Maybe you both haven't gotten clarity or made it to the same page just yet.
Speaker: That's OK.
Speaker: we can agree to disagree but prayerfully we can put the mission over our motives talk pastor listen number three what past hurts are you speaking from what past hurts are you speaking from that you have now framed this conversation this relationship based off of the facts of feelings from a previous one this ain't that i'm not them i tell the church all the time i'm not your old pastor
Speaker: Don't be playing and mistreating me.
Speaker: I love you, C.C.
Speaker: But you've got to make sure that you are not speaking from old news, old hurts, old pains that you are now casting projection on this one.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: What past hurts are you speaking from?
Speaker: Are you doing this diagnosis with me?
Speaker: What's really behind your need to have the last word?
Speaker: Why do you feel so threatened when somebody disagrees with you?
Speaker: What past hurts are you speaking from?
Speaker: And then what pride are you protecting?
Speaker: Is this good?
Speaker: Listen, part number five, number five is the restoration process.
Speaker: How do we get restored?
Speaker: I'm glad you asked.
Speaker: I'm glad you asked.
Speaker: I'm coming to a close.
Speaker: Listen, here's the good news.
Speaker: God is in the restoration business.
Speaker: He can heal what's broken in your communication or what's broken in your heart.
Speaker: Sometimes your heart has been broken and it's filtering out in your communication.
Speaker: And you're saying, I don't even really want to be this way.
Speaker: Well, here's the good news.
Speaker: through the blood of Jesus, you can change.
Speaker: You can get better.
Speaker: And so can your communication.
Speaker: God can heal what's broken inside of you if you're willing to submit to his process.
Speaker: 2 Corinthians 5 verse 18 says it this way.
Speaker: It says, all this is from God who reconciled us
Speaker: to himself through christ jesus and gave us the ministry of reconciliation what does that process look like bishop this process looks like four things and we're going to pray number one repent
Speaker: Repent.
Speaker: Admit where your communication has been toxic.
Speaker: Admit.
Speaker: Be honest with yourself.
Speaker: Where has your communication been toxic?
Speaker: Repent.
Speaker: Ask the Lord to forgive you.
Speaker: Confess that.
Speaker: God, I don't want to continue to speak out of anger.
Speaker: I don't want to continue to speak out of rejection.
Speaker: I don't want to continue to speak out of fear.
Speaker: God, forgive me.
Speaker: Number two, accept God's renewal.
Speaker: Let God transform your communication patterns through listening to the word more, through listening to podcasts more, through
Speaker: Reading more about healthy communication.
Speaker: Study into the area of your toxicity so that you can turn toxicity back into triumph.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: Listen to the word more.
Speaker: Study into that area because, listen, what you put in your ears eventually comes out of your heart and your mouth.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: Renewal.
Speaker: Number three, restoration.
Speaker: Begin rebuilding bridges with God's wisdom.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Those relationships that need to be repaired, begin to rebuild those with the wisdom of God.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: Now, the ones you need to let go.
Speaker: Amen.
Speaker: You know that you need to let go.
Speaker: But if deep down, you know, I did some things wrong here.
Speaker: You need to repent.
Speaker: Get it right.
Speaker: Apologize.
Speaker: and re and restore number number four reproduce teach others what god has taught you and so you want to be not only uh one that repents is renewed restored but you want to be one that reproduces you want to be the kind of person that christian mature christians go out and find other christians other believers um in non-believers
Speaker: It doesn't matter, but you find other people that you can now pour into and you can help them to be restored as well.
Speaker: I believe that God wants to restore and bless your health, your relationship communication so that you're able to adequately and healthily communicate how you feel and build bridges and not build walls.
Speaker: Hey, I'm Sylvester Mixon.
Speaker: You've been listening to Mixing It Up.
Speaker: Win big today.
