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103 - Effort Isn’t the Problem — Identity Is
73 Plays1 day ago
Most teams don’t have an effort problem. They have an identity problem.
In this episode, we break down why yelling, punishment, and “trying harder” don’t fix the real issue—and why so many athletes today shut down, nod their heads without changing, or quietly check out while still showing up.
Using lessons from the 1985 classic Vision Quest, we explore the most overlooked truths in leadership.
You’ll learn:
- Why today’s athletes respond differently to traditional coaching
- The leadership mistake that triggers fight, flight, or freeze
- The identity chain: Language → Thoughts → Actions → Habits → Identity → Behavior
- How captains can use the Identity Ladder (I Want → I Will → I Can → I Am) to drive real buy-in
- Practical tools to build confidence, accountability, and ownership within your team
If you’re a coach or captain trying to get more out of your team, this episode will challenge how you lead—and how your athletes see themselves.
Because at the end of the day… Effort fades. Identity sticks.
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Transcript
Introduction to Love and Leadership
00:00:00
Speaker
Action. We are born to live and then die. And we gotta do it alone. Each his own way. And I guess that's why we gotta love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow.
00:00:12
Speaker
Because when you get right down to it, there isn't. Loudon
What is the Captains and Coaches Podcast?
00:00:16
Speaker
Swain. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast. We explore the art and science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond.
00:00:23
Speaker
I'm your host, Tex McQuilkin, and I pulled that quote from the 1980s high school wrestling movie, Vision Quest.
Vision Quest: A Source of Inspiration
00:00:32
Speaker
I'm currently in lacrosse season. One of my favorite pastimes is going to go Goodwill.
00:00:38
Speaker
getting a bunch of DVDs for 50 cents, bringing them on our charter buses, going to different cities, Dallas, Houston, those three-hour trips, and then introducing...
00:00:49
Speaker
really good bad movies to high school kids that have never heard of this. And Vision Quest is one of those. This is also the third installment of my Captain's Series lessons that I hand off to my team captains. Just meeting as a group once a week if you want to check out the first two lessons, episode 97, episode 99.
Wrestling with Identity: Lessons from Vision Quest
00:01:10
Speaker
ninety nine So here we are, third installment, and we're going to be focusing on effort, attitude, but the true driver to get high school students, college athletes, people to buy in is identity.
00:01:25
Speaker
If you haven't seen the 1985 movie Vision Quest, I'll be referencing a couple things. It is a classic. It's not really about wrestling. It's about identity, right in line with the theme of this lesson. A high school wrestler, Loudon Swain, played by Matthew Modine, decides to drop two weight classes to shape some chase something bigger than winning.
00:01:48
Speaker
He wants to prove something about who he is, not just to others, but to himself. The coming-of-age tale. And right before the biggest match, he goes to see his pal,
Identity in Athletics: Beyond the Surface
00:02:00
Speaker
Elmo. And Loudon says something that most athletes, I hear them say it all the time. They downplay their success. They downplay all the hard work that they've invested to be in this moment before this big game.
00:02:15
Speaker
And Loudon says to Elmo, when Elbow is taking a nice night work off a night of work off to attend this big wrestling match that the whole movie's been building up to, and Loudon says to him, it's no big deal, it's just a lousy six minutes.
00:02:33
Speaker
Elmo stops him, because he understands something as an older man that Loudon doesn't yet get. It's not about the six minutes. It's about who you become inside of them.
00:02:46
Speaker
Because those six minutes, you don't just perform, you reveal your identity to yourself. when facing that competition. So a valuable lesson, and I've seen it play out where athletes downplay their effort.
00:03:01
Speaker
Maybe it's a self-protective mechanism because they're scared scared to fail, so they start devaluing the big game ahead, the big opportunity and the big competition.
00:03:13
Speaker
So love that moment, love that speech. Elmo's speech to Loudon is one of the best ones. We'll close this episode with it. And That's where most teams get it wrong. Effort, attitude, behavior, they see these things as problems. Coaches see these as problems. Captains see these as problems and they jump all over them.
00:03:34
Speaker
But those aren't the problems. Those are the defense mechanisms that kids are putting up to shield themselves from the real problem. Protecting their identity of who they see themselves as.
00:03:47
Speaker
Effort was not the issue. If effort was the issue, attitude was the issue, yelling would fix it. Punishment would fix it. Conditioning would fix it. But you've seen it. Players shut down after their mistakes. They nod, but nothing changes.
00:04:03
Speaker
They quiet quit while still attending practice. I won't say showing up because they're not showing up. They're just attending. They're present. Or they're here, but not present.
00:04:15
Speaker
That's not effort. That's identity.
Revolutionizing Coaching Methods
00:04:19
Speaker
And i I get it because they're growing up with stuff that I did not have. Most I had in respect to social media was AOL instant messenger.
00:04:29
Speaker
AIM. Cue door opening sound effect. They are dealing with constant comparison, social media pressure, fear of public failure, authority they don't automatically trust. It was much different experience growing up.
00:04:45
Speaker
When I was growing up, school stayed at school. Now it follows them everywhere. So if leadership starts to reinforce the negative voice that's playing inside their head,
00:04:56
Speaker
And they default, leaders default to yelling, shaming, and threats. We're not building toughness. We're actually triggering fight, flight, or freeze. They're not learning. They're not thriving.
00:05:07
Speaker
They're surviving. And survival kills identity growth. And becoming who you, I believe, that you should feel that you believe you are.
00:05:20
Speaker
So there's this mental chain that I introduce and teach to not only the team captains, but also the leaders. And here's the chain.
Empowering Captains with Identity Tools
00:05:28
Speaker
Language, thoughts, actions, habits, identity, which then leads to behavior, showing up and showing out at practice, not just attending.
00:05:40
Speaker
You don't rise to motivation, you fall to identity. So captains, now speaking to captains, going into lesson mode here, your words aren't just communication, they are construction.
00:05:52
Speaker
You are building how your teammates see themselves with your tone, your timing of the message you're giving them, and the target. What is the purpose you're giving them?
00:06:04
Speaker
So i introduced in a previous episode this identity ladder where we're climbing up and establishing goals. Now what I do is... I've handed that off to the team, but now what I hand off to the captains is tools for them to start having these conversations with the identity ladder, the seven languages that we're we're changing here, and help use that as a tool for the captain to now lead and have one-on-one conversations.
00:06:32
Speaker
So following the same cadence from a previous episode, Seven Language Shifts, I believe the title is, I'll link it up right here. God bless you too. Okay, so the first conversation, it deals with that first step of the ladder in a one-on-one conversation, and it's how identity is built. We start with language.
00:06:53
Speaker
So the direction to give the captain to have the conversation with their teammate is asking them what they're aiming for. What do you want to do this year? What's your goal? What do you want to accomplish? Okay.
00:07:07
Speaker
Introducing for the first time a connection with them and understanding this conversation is happening in 101. What is their desired end goal? Where are they currently in respect to a starting line to reach that goal?
00:07:23
Speaker
what However, want is fragile. What I've encouraged everyone to do is have them write down that goal. So do that as a captain. Help your teammate establish what they're aiming for and then have them write it down.
00:07:38
Speaker
Hold them accountable. What do you actually want this season? One goal, one sentence, write it down. You can do it right there. It can be fast thinking. That's A-okay. It's better than nothing.
00:07:49
Speaker
From my experience, if you trust them to go do it on their own, they're not going do it. So write with them. If you're a team captain, bring a piece of paper for them too. Write it down.
00:08:01
Speaker
Okay, next step up on the ladder, stand up and share.
Goal Setting and Accountability among Teammates
00:08:06
Speaker
Instead of just telling you as a captain, have them share it with their position group. Have them share it with their grade group, their teammates, their best buds on the team. This now becomes a commitment.
00:08:20
Speaker
Because they've informed others, those others, and you as a captain, have the others hold them accountable. Want is internal. Will, I will do this, is now public.
00:08:33
Speaker
Silence protects comfort. if If nobody's aware of a goal, nobody's going ask you about it. And your failure, you're trying to cover it up and hide from it.
00:08:45
Speaker
Versus facing it and learning from your experience. So voice creates accountability. Speaking aloud, now we're aiming to gain confidence in our voice, which changes our attitude, which changes our energy, because we believe that.
00:09:03
Speaker
Or as a coach or leader, I can hear how much they believe by the tonality that they're delivering their goals to me. And I can help them shape, yes, thoughts and language about themselves.
00:09:19
Speaker
So that the action I need captains to take is make them say it to you, to a teammate, to the group. Because identity strengthens when it's witnessed. And others, believe it or not, they will believe in you.
00:09:30
Speaker
This is your teammates. They're holding you accountable. They're not going to drag you down. And if the teammate is dragging you down, they're not your teammate. They're just a person on your team. And there's something bigger going on there.
00:09:42
Speaker
Okay, step three. You got this. Pygmalion effect. You are... aiming to have an expectation that they can accomplish that goal.
00:09:53
Speaker
And this is where most athletes get stuck, not because they're weak, because they failed before. And when they set a goal and then they fail, they miss a rep, they made a mistake.
00:10:05
Speaker
They start to tell themselves the old story versus the new story that you're aiming to hold them accountable for. And they're unsure. But this is where we need teammates. We need leaders, captains to step in and help reinforce the belief that they showed with themselves by writing down a goal and then sharing it with their teammates.
00:10:27
Speaker
The truth here about confidence, it doesn't come from hype. It doesn't come from smelling salts. It comes from reps, mental reps, physical reps. Every rep counts.
00:10:38
Speaker
Not the accuracy, it's the action. If you miss a shot, it's the action afterwards to shape, re-aim, adjust, and then go again. Not accepting that you are a bad shot. No, we just need more opportunities.
00:10:53
Speaker
So language, Captain, your action is to encourage. Help them believe in themselves and having that goal as the reference point that we're aiming for.
00:11:04
Speaker
You got this. We've been here before. I've seen you execute. Let's done it get it done again. Because the brain doesn't fully separate imagined reps from real ones.
00:11:17
Speaker
This is a a key. It's called visualization. Very valuable for some of the world's best athletes out there. Now getting teenagers to buy in and understand visualization, that is going to take reps from leadership.
00:11:33
Speaker
But confidence is rehearsed and it's reinforced by the external support system, by the team captains, by the coaches.
Building Trust and Feedback through Humor
00:11:42
Speaker
That reinforcement can also be negative.
00:11:45
Speaker
If you call out somebody or yell at them or say they're being ah a negative label, they are going to believe that. Versus holding them to a higher standard and expectation that they've established for themselves.
00:12:00
Speaker
So if their actions or attitudes or body language is not in line with the goal they've set for themselves, okay, call them out for that, not what the behavior entailed.
00:12:13
Speaker
All right. Step four, last step that I hand off in this lesson to the captains, it's called radical candor. Candor. One of my favorite words, this is trash talking. It's it's it's busting balls. We're having conflict in a fun and banter manner, but we're also getting used to calling each other out for stuff.
00:12:37
Speaker
We're making fun of each other's shoes, sticks, laces, styles, music, whatever it may be, but we're starting to build some social and emotional calluses for when now my and my teammates are actually having a conversation and talking to each other.
00:12:53
Speaker
Now when we aim to correct each other, the conversation bridge is there. They've made fun of the music, now we can talk about them about constructive feedback, about showing up on time, or showing up early, or completing the the the the playbook, whatever it may be.
00:13:11
Speaker
So having candor, honest feedback, yes, it is joking around a little bit, but it still bridges the gap for when we need to give them direct feedback. So we've level set. We have different changes in tone when there's candor because it's a playful tone.
00:13:30
Speaker
Okay, well now you know my playful tone. So when I'm serious, it's a different tone. Then when I'm mad, now we're on a whole different level of tone. So candor allows us to introduce and flex and get reps at tonality and delivering this. It allows us to build rapport and develop some fun camaraderie within this. Everybody's making fun of each other in a teasing, ball-busting way, and that's building calluses.
00:13:58
Speaker
So this this is where real leadership shows up, in my opinion. We're able to pal around and hold each other accountable for our actions. And most most captains get this wrong.
00:14:09
Speaker
They step into a leadership role and the porridge is either too hot or it's too cold. You come in too aggressive or you don't know how to handle it, so you ignore it. That'd be too cold, porridge.
00:14:22
Speaker
Identity does not grow from this approach. Neither does being delusionable delusional delusional or self-hate. You as a captain hate confrontation, so you're going to ignore it.
00:14:36
Speaker
And then you reinforce speaking negatively about yourself. Think back to our our language flow. The first thing, if I hear something negative from a teammate, that they're saying this about themselves, I need to get ahead of it.
00:14:50
Speaker
So that way I can encourage them And then maybe make them laugh if they're speaking negatively about themselves or having a bad day. Try humor. So now we're aiming to create a bridge where we can give true feedback.
00:15:05
Speaker
Because sometimes leadership, if they're making a mistake and having a bad day and you read the body language, you jumping on them, porridge too hot is not going to be what they need. Too cold, you ignoring them is not going to be what they need.
00:15:18
Speaker
They need something that's just right, and that could be humor. that's That's what I lean into when someone is having a bad day. One of my favorite go-tos, feel free to steal this, especially team captains. If somebody makes too many mistakes in the first or second quarter and they're having a bad game, at that time, there's still plenty of game left.
00:15:38
Speaker
Tell them that the average person makes four and a half mistakes each day. And your teammate, you already got it out of the way. So that means the rest of the game, we're on gravy train, baby, with biscuit wheels.
00:15:51
Speaker
Feel free to steal that one. So that's delusional in a different way. It's super positive, but we're aiming to get them back in the game and playing loose and focused and having fun.
00:16:02
Speaker
So that'd be a bit of candor. I'm calling them out for their mistakes, but I'm also rolling it into something silly and fun to get them loose and focused again.
00:16:13
Speaker
So this is growing. Confidence is growing from truth that I'm presenting to the athletes. i tell I'm telling them where they're at. I also am telling them where I believe that they can show up and continue to do this.
00:16:28
Speaker
Or I remind them how far they've come. from the start of the season or from a year ago, from two years ago, that they are here now and they've executed a thousand reps.
00:16:40
Speaker
I just need one more at this moment in time. And I believe it.
Reinforcing Identity during Competition
00:16:44
Speaker
I also, I love to say whenever we give up a goal on defense, good teams answer.
00:16:51
Speaker
We're a good team. Good teams answer. Here we go. Now's our opportunity to show them that we're a good team. I'm not saying we're a bad team. I say, we're playing like a bad team right now.
00:17:04
Speaker
We're a good team. What do good teams do? They step up to the plate. They take advantage of the next opportunity. They take advantage of the other people's mistakes. If they make a mistake, we're going to go 100 miles an hour and gain and put the momentum back in our favor. March Madness is going on right now. I'd love to see the momentum momentum shift.
00:17:24
Speaker
My dad taught me a valuable lesson. If there's five minutes left in the game, teams down by 10, they got a shot. And we are seeing that every single weekend. Super fun. So look for this stuff. how I love to watch body language during those basketball games as well.
00:17:39
Speaker
Science of the Sideline. Look for those those different flows and how coaches and people are approaching that. There's a viral clip going around from...
00:17:50
Speaker
I believe it like i'm I'm forgetting the women's basketball team right now. um But the woman, she steps up into the player and it looks as if she's saying something very negative because she's in her face.
00:18:05
Speaker
However, the actual words and conversation that coach put out, she focused in on, put the blinders on the player, not focusing on the court, not focusing on the crowd, not focusing on the mistakes, focused on who she believes that she is, and then held her accountable to be that person moving forward.
00:18:28
Speaker
So, can't recall the the clip right now, but definitely check that out. ah Very cool. Okay.
The Role of Communication in Leadership
00:18:36
Speaker
So that that'd be a representation of radical candor. She's in her face telling her exactly where she stands in being honest and where the expectation that she believes her talent lies moving forward.
00:18:48
Speaker
All right. So if if your teammate's words don't change if your teammates' words don't change identity, they won't change their behavior. and they're going to start to believe otherwise. So listen for how they're speaking about themselves.
00:19:04
Speaker
If it is negative, step in there and and remind them how far they've come. That's why I like that tool trick. Hey, what do you want to accomplish this year? Because the language you're saying right now is ah is a fast track the other direction from what we're doing.
00:19:19
Speaker
So utilize goals to your advantage. You don't lead behavior, you lead identity. And identity is going to start with goals, step one, okay?
00:19:31
Speaker
So quick action plan, and always give my captain action plans for them to practice daily and weekly. First one is that language. We are listening to this. We are paying attention to how you talk as a leader. How are you saying, what are you saying about yourself?
00:19:46
Speaker
What are you saying about teammates? What are you saying about mistakes? And then what are your teammates saying about themselves, their teammates, and mistakes? So every single day is a language audit.
00:20:00
Speaker
So we can start to build this identity from individuals into a team and what we're we're all aiming towards. Rep two is going to be identity reinforcement.
00:20:11
Speaker
Three times a week, at the minimum, catch someone one doing it the right way and say, i see you. that's That's who you are. That's who we are. Here we go.
00:20:23
Speaker
I always yell out, teamwork. Call it when I see it. Just have fun with them. If somebody's helping or two guys are carrying water out together instead of one person struggling with the giant Gatorade lid, two guys are helping out.
00:20:37
Speaker
Teamwork. Call it when I see it. So having fun with that. that's That's what leaders do. That's our standard. Way to go. So we're acknowledging when somebody is in line with the standards and the identity of who they are and who the team is aiming to become.
Visualization and Critical Moments in Sports
00:20:54
Speaker
So we've labeled behaviors with identity now instead of efforts assumed. That's the expectation. That's what they should have done. That's their job. Acknowledge and support that. Okay, rep three, visualization.
00:21:09
Speaker
It's going to take a lot of reps for teenagers to get normal for this. Practice box breathing into focus. I just pick one player at a time. a breathe in for five hold for five breathe out for five hold for five and in so after three breaths allow them to focus on shooting allow them to focus on the next drill and aim to to then reinforce that with actual movement all right and then rep four it's more candor it's more truth moments it's aiming to get reps at being a leader and having hard conversations calling people out working on our tone our target and our timing three t's that that was lesson one
00:21:53
Speaker
So once a week, aim to level set and have an honest conversation with somebody. No hype, no insulting, just truth. Because identity grows fastest from the accuracy and the honesty and the genuine connection that you're aiming to have. It may not go perfect, but continue at it with those guys.
00:22:14
Speaker
All right, closing it down, the six-minute speech from Loudon's pal, Elmo. I want to go back to this because this is part most people miss and the value that I found within this speech.
00:22:29
Speaker
Elmo tells Loudon the story about watching Pele in a moment of greatness. And he says he started crying because from a moment within sport, a sport he knows nothing about, you know watching on the the Hispanic channel, not understanding the language, but watching this man move with a soccer ball, another human being lifted everyone in the stadium, everyone watching that game to a better place.
00:22:59
Speaker
And then he says the line, to loud and it ain't the six minutes. It's what happens in that six minutes. That's what matters. That's leadership. That's identity. Because those six minutes, that's the game. That's the drill.
00:23:15
Speaker
That's the rep. That's the conversation. That's the moment after a mistake. And in that moment, you're either reinforcing who you are or you're rewriting it.
00:23:27
Speaker
Effort fades. Identity sticks. So know who you are before the six minutes show the world.
Conclusion and Resources for Further Learning
00:23:36
Speaker
That does it for our episode. Thank you for tuning in. If you like what you heard here today, be sure to like, subscribe, rate, and review. i encourage you. I take all the notes from my podcast and put them into my newsletter. Sign up for that at newsletter.captainsandcoaches.com.
00:23:53
Speaker
I've got a bunch of education online. For that, head to listen.captainsandcoaches.com. Thank you again for tuning in. I'll be continuing this series as I progressively meet with my captains each week.
00:24:06
Speaker
So cheers to you. Thank you for tuning in. We'll see you next time and soon.