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Why You Should Question 'Should'
81 Plays6 years ago
How often are you saying you should do something, but aren't? What's that all about? I believe we can inspect our language to uncover what's really going on and examining 'should' is a great place to start.
Shame + Could = Should.
K and I dissect this commonly used assertion to look beneath the surface at what's really going on so we can raise our awareness of what we are communicating to both ourselves and others.
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Transcript
Intro & Starbucks Sponsorship Joke
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello. Hello. We're back. We're back. Look at you with all your beverages. Oh, you're going to have the Starbucks cup in the shot, huh? Are they a sponsor? I have exciting news for the between the ears podcast community. We are now sponsored by Starbucks. In fact, I want to get sponsored by Starbucks just so I can drop the sponsorship on purpose.
00:00:32
Speaker
Support your local roaster. We don't have any local roasters
00:00:37
Speaker
Not yet.
Trip to the Netherlands & Program Launch
00:00:40
Speaker
So we took a week off. We were in the Netherlands. I think it's probably cool to address why we were there, but that's not going to be the purpose of the episode. This is not a day in the life of Bill and Kay or the personal diary, as they say over in the Europe. Who would be interested in that?
00:01:05
Speaker
Yeah, not many. Anyway, so we're over in the Netherlands, I'm gonna give you two minutes.
00:01:14
Speaker
to say why we were there and why we did not record a podcast while we were over there. We were there to do some work with strong fit. Um, we are launching in January, um, a program that is going to help affiliates who are looking to evolve. Um, and we're combining our expertise of running an affiliate and doing that over the past few years, um, with obviously Julian and their team and their expertise.
Value of Pauses & StrongFit Alignment
00:01:42
Speaker
We did not record.
00:01:44
Speaker
So we recorded a podcast to kind of launch that we didn't record because their podcast. We were on there. Yeah. Um, I think bringing all this over there wasn't really gonna work. And it also was sort of a, I think for us sometimes.
00:02:02
Speaker
pausing is good as we've done in the past and focusing on what we're doing and not just trying to do everything at once. Yeah, for sure. Good. I think that was under two minutes. So that that's exciting. And we're looking forward to that. And obviously,
00:02:17
Speaker
We're advocates and proponents of strong fit and have spoken on it, spoken about it on here before. And it, it, it really falls in line with a lot of between the ears as well. It explains sometimes it explains some of the why it works, uh, that I just didn't know before. I just knew it worked.
00:02:39
Speaker
I mean the sort of science of the body behind why Between the Ears is so powerful. Yeah. Yeah, and what's what's kind of happening? So And you recorded a podcast and I recorded a podcast with them as well to actually talk mostly about Between the Ears and what in my journey, which was You know vulnerable and open and you know, fuck it. I'm not gonna I have nothing really to hide and
The Problematic 'Should' and Stress
00:03:08
Speaker
So that was that was very cool. I'm excited for that Yeah, so we're back here now and What are we gonna talk about today We said we were going to talk about this the the notion of should yeah Which that word is I know it's kind of like
00:03:32
Speaker
become a bad word. I catch myself now with a lot of awareness as much, because I say it a lot. I should have. How do you use it? Yeah, I mean, pretty much in a lot of different areas, I suppose, in my life, but just as a like, I fell short, I should have done this and I didn't.
00:03:55
Speaker
Yeah. What's cool about this, just generally speaking, some of the work now that we're doing with StrongFit as well, looks at some of the should stuff. From a human, like what's happening, almost like what's happening in the body that can
00:04:12
Speaker
um, contribute to you having those doubts and saying shit a
StrongFit: Connecting Physical and Emotional
00:04:16
Speaker
lot. And then what that gap does to your stress level and kind of that it's not just, you know, I think that's what's really, I think what, one of the things that really drew us to a lot of the strong fit principles was it solidified and it, it talked about the actual science that it is a physical, there's a physical component to the stuff that it's not just us.
00:04:37
Speaker
making stuff up that's like about feelings. And that's kind of I think what the personal development space kind of gets a reputation for. But when you look at what's actually happening in the body that you know, body to brain and brain to body that contributes to how people feel like, that's what I think is really interesting. Yeah. And that's why the movement piece is so huge.
00:05:07
Speaker
but just like anything else, there needs to be guidance and at a minimum curiosity with what's possible as well. Even though you might not know exactly what's possible, but like, I guess what I'm trying to say is you got to kind of cut the cord a little bit from what you've been tethered to thinking has been the way or just business as usual to really make some, some growth. Um,
00:05:35
Speaker
Yeah, and I guess I think it's interesting that we've run up against a little bit of resistance, or I imagine there is resistance when you start to apply these things to the fitness world. Because it's like, well, it's just my workout. I don't want to get into all this stuff and feelings. It's just my workout.
00:05:54
Speaker
But what I find funny as it relates to the should topic is like 90% of CrossFitters when they finish a workout have some sort of, if they had to like take a test, it's like, I should have done more. So it's like, so it's not just about the workout though. So you're saying it's just about the workout, but there's clearly this other piece that you're connecting to like emotions and.
Interconnectedness of Fitness and Identity
00:06:13
Speaker
Your identity and your feelings. That's not just about how many times did you contract your hamstring? Right. You know what I feel like it's like when you said that it's just about the workout, you know, those pill boxes. Yeah. So instead of having it be, you know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever, it's like physical.
00:06:33
Speaker
mental, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, professional, social. It's like all these nice buckets. And it's like, it's not. It's not like that. Compartmentalizing is a dangerous game to play. And when we're looking at developing ourselves from within, using movement, using fitness, using community.
00:06:56
Speaker
It's not as just like, I'm just going to do my kettlebell swings today. I mean, and if that's if that's literally all it is for you, then OK. You know, I would suggest you're you're missing out on a lot.
00:07:10
Speaker
And so yeah, so a lot of people finish a workout and it's like, you were always better. You were more fit in your, in your memory than you were in, in, in reality. And so often should gets used. I see it all the time in every between the ears event as well. At some point during the.
00:07:31
Speaker
during the night, I shouldn't have done this, I should have done that. And it's like, well, if we were to, and I just kind of sometimes recount what we've done to that point. And it's like, so you understand, rationally, that you've been up for, you know, 20 hours and you've been, you're in the middle of the night, you have no idea where you are. And, you know, you fell short of a task
00:08:00
Speaker
but now you're beating yourself up over it. Like, what's that all about? Can you see where, do you think you're Superman? No. Or Superwoman? No, okay. Do you see where you might be tired and fatigued and stressed out?
Shame, 'Could,' and Internal Conflict
00:08:13
Speaker
Yes. Okay, so do you think that that could lend itself to maybe like, not complete this? Yes. So then what is it? Well, I feel, and it's like, right, you feel. So now it's like, we're looking at the emotional piece. It's not just the, you know, the rational piece and stuff like that.
00:08:29
Speaker
So do you think should comes down to like that idea of like self confidence or?
00:08:36
Speaker
so i think so okay so i put up a little graphic a little art one of my little painted things a couple months ago we talked about this at immersion for the first time that if you take shame and could and you put them together you get shame should sorry what
00:09:02
Speaker
Hold on a second. Shame plus could equals should. And so I think if we look at the components of it and look, that's is that a, you know, scientific definition? No. But I think it I think it speaks to the balance between internal and external rational and emotional very, very well.
00:09:27
Speaker
The shame element is obviously an internal thing. That's a feeling. It's an emotion. That is something that you're labeling yourself and you're diminishing who you are and attributing it and labeling it a shame. Okay. Different thing guilt. Brene Brown talks about that. Read her stuff. It's great. Could is a physical thing.
00:09:54
Speaker
potential that's not being realized, opportunity perhaps. It's very much something that is an action that can be taken and that is within the realm of possibility for you to execute.
00:10:11
Speaker
So when there's shame, personal shame, feeling like you're unworthy of yourself, in connection with a physical action that you didn't do or do enough of or whatever,
00:10:28
Speaker
That's then where we see should pop up so if we look at like a crossfitter the workout is 15 minutes of pull-ups push-ups and air squats and
'Should' in Decision-Making & Self-Worth
00:10:41
Speaker
they want to do a round a minute and they're a good athlete like yeah you could do that that's it's something you're saying I want to do two rounds a minute like you cannot do that so now you're just dilution one round a minute you could do that it's within the realm of possibility but you didn't
00:10:58
Speaker
you didn't. And now because of that, you're like, I am less than, and I'm really ashamed of my poor performance. And you're associating that out, that outcome with who you are as a human being. And then it's like,
00:11:18
Speaker
How did it go? Like, well, I got 14 rounds, but I should have gotten 15. And it's like, well, what you're telling me is that you can't accept who you are because you didn't get 15 rounds. And so there's a high degree of shame in there.
00:11:36
Speaker
And I think when we look at how we're using that word in the fitness space, it makes a lot of sense. But then when we pull outside of it and it's like, well, I should have gotten a promotion. I should have done this, done that. Okay. So then it speaks to like the metrics. So if there's a, I should have 10 clients or whatever, like what's the metric there should, because what are the things you're looking at that
00:12:06
Speaker
lead you to believe that that's the case. So like if an athlete for using that example, well, you know, take Cindy, for example, I should get that because I'm really good at butterfly pull-ups. My conditioning is good. You know. Right. But what's funny about that is you could get that because you're good at butterfly pull-ups because your conditioning is good, but that's just a possibility.
00:12:33
Speaker
when you add, when you say you should, there's this internal piece. You were somehow less than.
00:12:41
Speaker
Right, but even if you say it beforehand, like, oh, I should be able to do that. It's like, if you were to reword that and say, I can do that, that's much different. That's like kind of objective. It's not really like whatever. So it's like, oh, I should be able to. It's like when we say should, there is a pressure that is present there. And there's a spotlight on, there's something.
00:13:04
Speaker
emotional and something internal that you're attaching to some sort of outcome, some sort of result. And it's very much contingent upon that versus it being an expression of something like, Hey, I can do 15 rounds of Cindy in 15 minutes. Right.
Intentions Behind 'Should' & Authenticity
00:13:24
Speaker
So I think the physical stuff, while it's easy to use as an example, it's probably less
00:13:30
Speaker
I mean, yeah, maybe with some people, but less like impactful in their life. So if you take an example, that's a little bit more impactful, like, so say the client example. So say, I am trying to get clients, like personal training clients. And I say, like, I feel like I'm failing because I should have 10 clients. I have two clients. I should have that. So now that gap.
00:13:59
Speaker
is adding like a ton of stress. That's the problem. That's what we're seeing with the issues. And so why should I? So like I could have it like, okay, I'm a really good trainer. I'm knowledgeable about putting out these things, whatever, all those things I could, I could have those should means I am falling short. I'm, I'm not living up to my self perceived ability. There's, there's a gap there. And so then there's a stress. Now that becomes,
00:14:29
Speaker
a significant stress for people, closing that gap. Yeah. And when, yeah, for sure. And I think when you, when you say things like you should, there's a, there's like a bonding, you're, you're bound to something, you're bound to something else versus if you're like, Hey, I can get 10 personal training clients and I'm going to work towards doing that. You know, by using my talents and my gifts and doing this, doing that.
00:14:56
Speaker
That's that's different than I should have. Because let's be honest, it's never going to be enough anyway. Well, then once you get 10 clients, it's like, well, I should have 15. You know, I should lose. I should lose a few pounds. It's like you lose a few pounds. I should lose more. Well, I should do this. I should do that. And, you know, a lot of it's like, well, why the fuck aren't you?
00:15:17
Speaker
And so I, and we hear that quite a bit. Why I should really, I should really clean up my diet. Well, then why aren't you? Why you don't like, you know, you don't like to taste cookies or, you know, so it's one of those things like there's this pressure element, but there's also this, um, you're like bound to this, this less than element and.
00:15:42
Speaker
if we clean up our language a little bit, and I think that's one of the biggest things that, you know, or one of my things I'm most interested in too is like, because mindset is a mode of self communication.
00:15:55
Speaker
We do need to address the language element of it and being aware of what we're saying. Right. So if you're always saying that, I should this, I should that you're just living in a perpetual state of like not enough. Without a doubt. And it's like there's and it takes a toll and it's either.
00:16:14
Speaker
You might have the potential also, and you could have executed 15 rounds of Cindy. You could have executed, you could have acquired 10 clients. You could have whatever gotten a promotion. Like that's entirely within the realm, but it didn't happen.
True Desires vs. False Narratives
00:16:29
Speaker
And it's like, can you accept the reality and then move forward with trying to
00:16:36
Speaker
work on what you want to work on to achieve what you want to achieve. And you know, but I think that's something that when we look at how often we're saying should and in what areas, it's not like we're saying should in like throwaway items. It's usually important stuff. I should drink less alcohol. I should go to the gym or I should really do would have an impact. Otherwise you wouldn't you wouldn't have some expectation of them. Right. Like
00:17:07
Speaker
I should take out the garbage. I mean, you either take the garbage out or you don't, because there's not that emotional attachment to it. No. So of course, when people start getting into that, it's with things that actually matter. And then to your point, I mean, I kind of like that, like, you know, you do or you don't do it, like do or don't, or decide which one, like either decide that, like, you know what, I don't want to lose five pounds. I'm fine with how I am now.
00:17:32
Speaker
And I'm good. And that's for the shame though. Or you know what? I'm gonna lose five pounds and like, how am I gonna do that? Right. And it's in my experience, in my opinion, it is hardly ever about the potential. It's always about the personal piece. And it's like, you keep stressing yourself out because you say you should lose five pounds.
00:17:56
Speaker
And you haven't. Right. And you know, there's probably, there's probably some things that you don't have to think too hard of to clean up and be like, yeah, that's not really helping me. Right. But the bigger issue isn't losing the five pounds. The bigger issue is accepting the fact that you don't want to lose the five pounds. Right. Right. And it's like, well, that's. Well, it's easier though to say you should do it. It's so much easier. And then it's also like, are you saying that for yourself or for someone else? So like,
00:18:25
Speaker
If I felt like I needed to lose weight and I said, well, I really should lose five pounds. Is it because I actually think that, or I just want you to think that I'm like.
00:18:36
Speaker
that I'm that that's something I'm considering. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think about the other people like. Well, I think that's what it is, though. It's it's it's a failure and a resistance towards accepting really who you are. And because I'll tell you, like we know people, they want to lose weight and they are. They're doing the work. They're working hard. They're changing everything. You're just not that person.
00:19:03
Speaker
You're not willing to do the work. And hey, that's okay. You know what I mean? That is okay. But if you can't accept that part about you, if you can't accept the fact that you're not willing to do the work,
00:19:21
Speaker
that's where then shame creeps in. And it's like, well, but what does that say about me?
Intuition in Decision-Making & Acceptance
00:19:29
Speaker
And so when it's like, I should really lose five pounds, it's like, you're, you're trying to convince me that you're the type of person that will lose the five pounds or that wants to lose the five pounds or that will work on it. And that sounds maybe really cynical and really kind of harsh with people, but I, I mean, I hear it all the time. I should really do between ears. Okay.
00:19:50
Speaker
Why aren't you? Because you don't want to do the work. You're content and you're good, but it's not that. There's this other element. Is it that you want my approval? Is it that you want to project that you're a type of person who actually wants to work on themselves?
00:20:08
Speaker
And if you're not doing it and you say you should be doing it, then you have to look at yourself and accept just who you really are. Because the option is here. The potential is there. The possibility to do it is there. There, there is no, oh my gosh, we almost broke the podcast down. There is no, like, this is not some sort of elite thing to get into.
00:20:32
Speaker
So getting back to the words, I mean, one thing to do is to start being aware of, of course, of how often you say, because I do think sometimes it's very casual. Without a doubt. It's not every time that it's like, but, but it is interesting that like, if you did actually start to look at every time you say that, and then it's just like, so in the course of a day, I should have even like, actually, even the garbage example. Well, sorry, I should have brought the garbage can up when I came home.
00:21:01
Speaker
And it's like some of those things like, so you probably realized when you pulled in the garbage can was there. I always bring the garbage can up. Not always. I've got a record, but, um, but like whatever you did, you didn't do it. You knew the garbage cans. They're like, nope, if it, I'm like not going to, I'm going to be lazy right now. Right. Or I'm cold or I've got things in my hands. But then there's like that. That's almost like the excuse. Well, it kind of lets you off the hook. I know I should have, I should have brought the garbage can in.
00:21:31
Speaker
And then it's like, well, okay, is that really like, is that an apology? Like what is that about? So I think if you start to look at all those things, even the little quote unquote dumb things, um, it's interesting how much you're sort of just creating almost like an excuse for why you didn't do something. And you're trying to sell someone on what you want them to think of you. Or I shouldn't have had that pint of ice cream. Yeah. Okay. Like, and I think that's like something I can probably really just like feeling that
00:22:00
Speaker
And that's 100% guilt or like shame. Shame. Yeah. I guess it's more shame. Shame because I mean, their kids like guilt is fine. Like if I punch somebody in the face.
00:22:12
Speaker
I guess maybe I shouldn't say that. If I back up in the parking lot and actually hit a human being with my car, I am going to feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Now, unless I purposely ran them over, I'm not going to feel any shame about it. Like I feel awful. I feel terrible. I feel guilty to that action.
00:22:34
Speaker
Yeah, I don't like that. But the person, like I'm not going to take that out. Like I'm not somebody who just goes around trying to mow people down. So the ice cream thing, like it's not being able. I think that's a powerful thing. And the food thing is kind of a big one for a lot of people. Like if you're realizing you're going to say, I shouldn't have eaten that.
00:22:56
Speaker
before you eat it, then like make a decision about what you're doing. I'm either going to eat this and I'm going to like enjoy it because like it's okay to have ice cream once in a while and I'm going to enjoy it and move on. Or I know that I'm going to eat it. Then I'm going to say I shouldn't have eaten it. And like, I don't really want to feel like that. And then that's all this stuff. So I'm not going to eat the ice cream, but like,
00:23:18
Speaker
Saying that after the fact creates like, it's sort of all negative, whether it's a small thing or a big thing. Yeah. And if you're standing there and you're saying, I should not eat this. Right.
00:23:31
Speaker
but you eat it. I'm gonna tell you this, you convinced yourself rationally, why you should do something that emotionally you know not to do. Intuitively. Right, and that's that emotional and rational back and forth piece. The balance between those and the highway and the interchange, and this is actually a big thing we're gonna dive into at the seminar in February, because it needs to be, I think also in person is super good.
00:23:58
Speaker
But, you know, can you really listen to your intuition and your emotions? And I think for a lot of people they know, but there's, and it's like, well, no, no, no, that's actually, I'm emotionally eating. It's like, ah, I would beg to differ. I would beg to differ. Yeah, of course there's, there's spectrum and ranges, but it's like, if you're able to have the awareness that you should not do something,
00:24:26
Speaker
but you do anyway. There's a disconnect between your ability to translate your emotional and rational mind. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you take the ice cream example, there's times where I've said like, I shouldn't eat this ice cream. So why do you?
00:24:43
Speaker
Because then I do go through like, so I don't know the right answer. So let's just say like, well, what's the right answer? What's the, well, I mean, but like for me, like oftentimes when I think, when I'm saying I shouldn't eat this, that's actually the wrong answer for me because most of the times I should eat it because
00:25:03
Speaker
I don't allow myself to like enjoy ice cream once in a while. It's not like I'm going to go on a bender and eat now, like just sit in my room and eat ice cream. But you can't accept who you can't accept yourself in that moment as somebody that that is going to eat the ice cream. Sure. But I guess I was saying like the emotional irrational disconnect like there's I understand what's happening. But like what I'm saying is if I end up eating it. Then and you say like, well, why did you eat it? I might say like, well, I realized
00:25:33
Speaker
that but then I guess you're saying you move on from that thought at some point if you if I move on from like okay so I'm thinking I shouldn't have this but then I'm like you know what actually like I should have this I don't eat ice cream regularly I like it's fine I'm gonna enjoy it okay I could eat this ice cream I'm going to eat the ice cream so like
00:25:55
Speaker
I shifted to that, even though I used rationale to get there. Like that wasn't bad. But if then after you say I shouldn't have done that. Sure. I guess. Yeah. Like that's what I'm saying. So you convinced yourself. If I'm good with it and I'm like, good, I'm glad I ate that ice cream. Or if I'm back to like, Oh, I shouldn't have eaten that something happened back and forth where.
Self-Awareness & Exploitation by Advertisers
00:26:14
Speaker
Right. There was a there was a thing. And if you eat ice cream all the time and you're like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? Then there's really no emotional or intuitive piece in you. Now, if you're somebody that's eating ice cream all the time and you're also saying you should lose, you want to lose weight or you should lose weight or whatever, then like, right. So then there's something broken in that as well, because and for the weight loss thing, like normally most people realize
00:26:42
Speaker
they are overweight.
00:26:46
Speaker
most people realize they're drinking too much alcohol. Most people realize they're, you know, engaging in non-healthy, unhealthy behavior. Like it's not for not knowing. There is often, I think, a complete silencing and deadening of the emotional and the intuition. And they're not able to just express that and get that out. And it's like this whole rational thing. And trust me, and I've battled this with
00:27:16
Speaker
with Copenhagen with booze with sugar like it's it's definitely Copenhagen not the city the dip for anybody listening yeah that's right we're world travelers so people may have thought we were talking about the city
00:27:30
Speaker
Yeah. So there's like, you know, I feel like there's a big thing with that. You have to listen to, you know, listen to your gut, to your intuition. And, and if it's like, well, I don't know what it's saying. It's like, exactly. But that's the opportunity. Yeah. And that's a lot of where this stuff ties into so much more because we're saying, okay, you have to stop and listen, or we're saying you have to listen, which requires you to have to stop. And
00:28:00
Speaker
you know what we're seeing as well is that people are not interested in slowing down taking you know for example you're now doing like the not having caffeine you know like what are the things that we're engaging in that just keep us going if you don't stop and like just sit which is one of the things that is really interesting about between the ears is there's those elements of just kind of having to
00:28:30
Speaker
get away from the distractions and you're forced to just kind of be with yourself. Yeah. And if you're not doing that, um, then you're not going to be able, you can't just like decide one day, like, yeah, I want to like get that intuition thing going. Like, what am I saying? What am I saying? Like you have to know yourself. So that's that part of like, okay, well, how do you do that? Well, you have to practice it. You have to learn to like, what am I thinking? What am I saying? That's where the writing comes in. So
00:28:53
Speaker
I think the part about, well, there's no hack to figuring out what your intuition or what you're actually saying. And it's there. It is there. It's just you're not able to access it right now. And so that's the awareness piece. And I think one of the biggest things is
00:29:15
Speaker
Yeah, like it's not about necessarily being like heady with things or some sort of philosopher of this that and the other you know, it's like you know, Plato was kind of all about like you can just rational you can rationalize your way through life. You should know like I'm gonna be able to see things at a distance and perspective and like this Like the Spock character of just being able to use supreme rationale
00:29:44
Speaker
It's like that's fucking not life. And the emotional, the intuition, that element, it is trying to tell you something. But if you can't listen to it, if you don't know how to access it, if you're not even aware of it, well, then, of course, it's not going to. And then you're getting and then you're really then losing a bit of control as well. And now you're turning into just, you know, kind of a windsock type thing that
00:30:10
Speaker
You know, and everything going on around you is powerful. And so advertisers know this and flashy things and bright colors and smiles and this and attractive people and like, yeah. And then it's like, well, how did that happen? How did the pigs know that? Like they just led the pigs to slaughter. And it's like, well, because they understand, they understand that.
00:30:30
Speaker
And so that's what's kind of, I think, one of the events between the years of engagement starts with that element. And it's amazing to see how people freak out. And it's like, wow. But you want to do some crazy high level stuff. But you can't do this very, very basic thing. And it's not like, it's not, I've been in positions where it's like, okay, the game is rigged. And the military doesn't have it all the time.
00:30:59
Speaker
And it's like at a certain point, like the cadre is just going to crush your nuts for like two hours. The game is going to be rigged and you cannot win. And so that's just what it is. And so smile and have a good time with it. That's not, I don't rig the game. Here's what it is. Done. That's it. And it's like, wow, it's amazing.
CrossFit Open & Identity Impact
00:31:20
Speaker
Um.
00:31:22
Speaker
But then on the extreme end or with like immersion, what was really cool is when people, when I gave people their phones back and they were kind of like, yeah, because you're with yourself too. And now are you going to go to a Tibetan mountain top? Probably not. No, but there are, but that's what people see. People want to climb out and there's different, I'm not.
00:31:41
Speaker
saying everybody wants to climb Mount Kilimanjaro but there's all these like going too far away lands or long week long retreats or these extreme things but that is in a way I mean those are great there's a lot but like if you can't implement it on the daily date the day-to-day with the small things I can you know I know I struggle with that like with the phone like we all realize now the phone is just
00:32:09
Speaker
that kind of, it's not building your sense of self. It's definitely not helping it. It's probably knocking it down. And it's, if anything, it's just a neutral thing where it's just taking away from any time that you might have to learn about yourself. Because you're just distracted by just nonsense. Yeah, it's like if you were to, this is an interesting thing, because like if you were to teach yourself one thing about yourself, what would it be? Where would you start?
00:32:39
Speaker
And it's like, well, I don't know. I can't teach myself anything. It's like, well, then you don't understand. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing I think.
00:32:47
Speaker
that it's not that complicated, like one of the things we're trying to encourage people to do at the gym is to like learn. And that sounds so like, what do you mean learn about myself? But it doesn't have to be this super complex, like learn about myself. I mean, for some people it's deep, but other things it's just like,
00:33:10
Speaker
You know, last night we had one of our members doing a sandbag carry. It was very similar, oddly enough, to my experience in the Netherlands.
00:33:23
Speaker
like really struggled to get the bag up. She was having a really hard time getting, it was a substitute. She was really struggling to get the bag up to the position. She would like kind of get it up, but it really wasn't a good position. It would like fall. And there were like multiple rounds of this to try this four rounds.
00:33:43
Speaker
And on the last one, she like got it. She got it. And it was like a 115 pound sandbag. And it was just like really awesome. Like that is learning about yourself, you know? I mean, and yeah, it is with something physical, but you have an opportunity to learn. And it doesn't mean that every time you're going to like master something, but in that moment, it's like, well, wow, I learned something about myself. Like I.
00:34:07
Speaker
It could be as simple as like, I like, I didn't give up and like, I came out in a different way and like, I got it. Yeah. And those are the little wins. I think that like they are important and there are those opportunities in, in yes, just fitness to have that.
00:34:22
Speaker
that are very much connected to other things in your life. Yeah, and it's amazing to look at when you start to approach learning about yourself in a way that is, no, there's not a test. There's no something you have to memorize. It's not school. Right.
00:34:43
Speaker
The learning way we all learned in school, underserved. Well, that wasn't really learning. No one. There's no one. There's no rising. Just take the test. And then it's like, dump it. And that's part of like, you know, what happens with your brain as well. And there's also, that's why the unknown is the ultimate learning experience. Right.
00:35:05
Speaker
Because you have no fucking idea what's going to happen. So now you are present. You are aware. And it's and one of the things that many people are. I don't know if they've learned it. I've observed it from running hundreds of people through things. The people that need to know.
00:35:23
Speaker
that need to have the answer, that fight the unknown, are also the people who have the hardest time learning lessons. Sure, of course. And of course you can say like, oh yeah, of course. Seeing it in person is... By seeing it play out. Seeing it play out is incredible. And so a very simple question is like, how do you approach learning about yourself?
00:35:44
Speaker
If you're going to teach yourself something, what would it be? If you're going to learn something about yourself, what would it be? But you know, and I've asked people often like, so would you learn? And it's just like, well, I don't want to talk about that. Like, what do you like? And it's like, OK, then like yourself. But but why then? Well, then what's the point? The point of it like that was like the open, you know, for me like this year, I didn't do the open.
00:36:07
Speaker
And then the last workout we did together, we did that workout. I wasn't doing the open, but like, yeah, we did that workout. And one of my reasons for not doing the open is I know that about myself that like, that it's
Rational Understanding vs. Emotional Identity
00:36:21
Speaker
a stressful environment. And I, I wasn't sure I was ready to like sign up and do it, but also not be stressed. So it was like, okay, I'm not going to sign up for.
00:36:29
Speaker
But the last workout, it was really interesting. I had an experience with it or whatever, but it was very much because I've been practicing it. What did I learn from it? Otherwise, it was kind of like a waste. So what did you learn?
00:36:46
Speaker
Well, so in that workout, you know, I learned that with that, that environment with it being the open, there's a label on it, which the environment, I mean the environment, it was you and me in the gym. Yeah. Like that's not even my mental environment. This is the open. This is a workout that means something. There's a clock. I hadn't been using that in a while.
00:37:06
Speaker
but I don't even think it was the clock. It was just knowing that it mattered somewhere in the world. And it didn't really matter to me. It like a lot of my, what I had been improving on and like approaching workouts and having confidence, like it went right out the window. I have had no problem doing nose to mouth breathing. Like in all these workouts, I couldn't even like, it was like so hard for me to sustain it. Right. And so like,
00:37:31
Speaker
If I didn't stop and say like, okay, what did I learn? Then that would be sort of like a shitty experience. It just like didn't add value to my life. Took away from it. It's like, wow, that sucked. So it's like, okay, well, I can learn something from it and not just have it be about the reps and the numbers and the strategy and whatever. Um, so I think that's an opportunity for people to make, you know, not to sound like this, but like to have a positive experience come out of something like,
00:38:00
Speaker
even like in an argument, like in a relationship, you know, and I feel like we do try to do this. I mean, and we do not have a perfect relationship. We argue, but trying to come out of it, like, okay, like trying to learn about the other person or even about yourself. Okay. Now I'm realizing that I have a tendency and now I'm learning.
00:38:20
Speaker
That I do this thing. Yeah. And I can see how that can have an impact. Yeah. But if it's just for nothing and then you just, you know, kiss and make up. Well, if you won the argument, but didn't learn anything, it's like, what? I mean, I would say you lost it, but nonetheless, it's like, well, what is the point of it? This whole thing, you know? And I think that within.
00:38:39
Speaker
Within that example that you used with the open too, it's like, well, why was the CrossFit open so stressful for you? And it's not for some people. Like for some people, it's genuinely bad. No, not at all. It's you. It's a hundred percent you. And so it's like, well, what was it about that? Right. It's because your performances said something about who you are. Right.
00:39:03
Speaker
Yeah, I was very much, my identity was wrapped up in what I could do from a, from my capacity at the gym. Right. And that usually pits you against other people. Right. And it's, it's always in that, so there's a stratification of that and it's like, okay, if I was better than most people, like, all right, I feel good. You know, but like, but no, but, um,
00:39:28
Speaker
Yeah. So anyway, so the open was that. And I mean, for me, for me, the open never was that. Like I never gave actually there was, that's not true. One year in Bragg. I was like, you know what? Like, I think. Yeah, but there wasn't that like, even if you took it seriously, you weren't like, you weren't losing sleep over it. I was losing sleep over the open.
00:39:48
Speaker
Right. I was not losing. I was more into it though. And I was like, you know what? Like, and this was, it had to have been the first year of the open. I don't know. Was that around? Anyway, it was like, yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to like do this. So I'm going to care about my score. But that was also before anyone ever repeated it. That's the other funny thing. The first year of the open, people didn't repeat workouts.
00:40:10
Speaker
I repeated them. I repeated that snatch double under one three times. That was the first open workout off the plane. I drove right. No, but that was not the first year of the open. It was 11.1.
00:40:24
Speaker
Anyway, no, this is ridiculous. That was when we were in Tennessee. Anyway, anyway, we were talking about the whole point with that is attaching your personal worth to something that's reliant or or an objective or an outcome rather is a dangerous, dangerous thing. And that's where shame overtakes you. I felt that I talk about this on the Strongfoot podcast between the years. I talked about this at the due lecture, even though I rationally knew that, like, hey, I'm more than just a Green Beret.
00:40:55
Speaker
I was not able to completely shield myself against the toxic and disordered thinking of having your entire identity wrapped up with generally something that is outcome-based.
00:41:08
Speaker
Right, and so then you became, your thing was, I should have done more. I should have done more. I should have this. And so that, but then what do you think it took, like you had to come to grips with like, really you're that emotional and rational highway at some point. Right, because the rationally, it was never a question, rationally, of like, just the deal. The deal is, you don't get to choose what you're gonna do. You can get a timing, and luck, and this, and that, yeah.
00:41:39
Speaker
And it also wasn't for like, well, other people, cause you know, some of some fucking bad-ass dudes were like, dude, you're, you're, you're a stud. And they weren't like, well, but there was no caveat. It was like, no, like, Hey. And then there was other people who was like, Hey, you should, you know, go to the next level or do this other stuff or whatever.
00:42:01
Speaker
So rationally, it was fine. But emotionally, it was a wrap. So what had you come to that point where you kind of realized, like, I need to stop saying, like, what had you clear that gap for yourself?
00:42:14
Speaker
I mean, I'll be honest with you, there's some days where I don't feel like I've cleared it and it's still a struggle. I've made progress for sure. You know, of course, like, you know, when, when you, when you genuinely consider taking your life and it's like, am I really not able to move past this? I also consider myself a very fucking strong human being and very resilient.
00:42:39
Speaker
So how can I apply that to myself?
Writing as a Tool for Self-Awareness
00:42:42
Speaker
And I need to, I need to look within it. I need to, and I need to, I need to learn because rationally I get it. I fully understand all of the reasons. And sometimes it's like.
00:42:53
Speaker
I don't want to hear them. I just want to hear like, I just want somebody to be like, yeah, you know what? You're fucking right. You should feel like that. And it's like, but that's not good. So really, I think looking at that and being like, OK, I need to get to know my emotional self. I need to listen to my intuition more and not from a like, that's going to be the key to all the answers. No, just to get to know it and just to listen and learn that language. And just like any language that you start with,
00:43:20
Speaker
Basic stuff maybe they can I mean when I was in Arabic it was like this is the we would learn a character a day or maybe two or three But and that's where to go back to I mean you talk about this on the strong fit podcast I thought you did a really good job of explaining that so some of that is Where the writing comes in with between the ears without enough because you're just having a conversation with yourself You're starting to and it could be just after the workout whatever comes out just comes out and you're not judging it but
00:43:48
Speaker
Learning to have that conversation and you're also pausing and stopping you're not writing and driving the car Funny about that does need to have a pause it does What's funny about that is I've sometimes felt most creative or like in tune While driving and I don't listen whenever I drive. I do not listen to music. I'll listen to a podcast occasionally, but Most times probably eight out of ten times. I'm in the car is it's quiet
00:44:19
Speaker
I mean, I love it. It's just, there's no, yeah, it's just, it's just some time, some simple time. Other than screaming in your head. Do you hear that? Do you hear that noise? No.
00:44:37
Speaker
yeah there's a war going on inside my mind anyway anyway um and so sometimes i do actually have that urge of like i gotta capture it and and i'll be honest with you a lot of times with work stuff too or like there's some creativity there but nonetheless it's like i think there is what it is is sometimes it's not just a function of like i'm gonna
00:44:59
Speaker
take my eyes open and stare at the wall all day while I think that that would be a really valuable thing to do for an experiential standpoint. It's not realistic to do that. No. But there's that element of like, OK, it's kind of like meditating. Right. I was just going to say. And there's this there's this mantra going on. And the purpose of the mantra isn't to convince yourself the mantra is real or whatever in many ways in different forms. It's just a noise.
00:45:27
Speaker
but it's this little thing to keep you alert enough. I forget what the TM people call it, but either way. Yeah, I forget that term. But the writing is huge because
00:45:44
Speaker
you do have to stop, and with your hand. Yeah, sure, of course, if you're not without a pen or something, you video or you audio, and that's fine. There's no absolutes in this thing, but stopping, and the five minutes, and what I've also found is that sometimes it takes three to five sentences to get through the bullshit.
00:46:09
Speaker
Yeah, well, because it's like, oh, this and then that. But it's a way to start. You're like just kind of. You just get started. You get warmed up. You're just probably kind of providing the context of like the very basics of what's happening. And then you get into the rest. But.
Mindset & Self-Communication
00:46:24
Speaker
Yeah, and I think there's so many, everybody, meditation isn't for everybody, I think. But any kind of, like for people trying to at least slow down or start to listen to their own intuition or learn about themselves or anything, you do have to start with just like, okay, where can I start to take five minutes? Maybe it's before bed, you're not gonna go from like watching TV on your phone to lights out.
00:46:52
Speaker
Or, you know, you're going to take five minutes. Maybe it's meditation. Maybe it's, you know, doing the workout. You know, you're going to work out, have your journal there and just do the writing afterwards. Um, or, you know, something we have been encouraging people is like not just adding more stress to their system. If you're in a place where you are pretty stressed out, take advantage of a day where like, you know, you're going to go to the gym.
00:47:15
Speaker
You know, if you go home, you're not going to just walk by yourself. Okay. Put some headphones on and get on a rower in the corner. Yeah. And row. Yeah. And that's it. So I wish more people took us up on that. Yeah. You know, and I think that we can do better. I think we can do better to, to encourage that and to just say like, yeah, I think the challenge though, is there's a little bit of that stigma though. Like, well, although what's interesting is last night I presented the class with kind of three directions to warm up. There was a row. So.
00:47:44
Speaker
One, your smiley face emoji. And in that case, do whatever speaks to you. Two, kind of a sad face emoji, like kind of dragging a little bit. In that case, you're going to do like some little bit more of a sprint to warm up on the rower. And three, you're kind of the like squiggly line mouth. Like you're kind of stressed out. If you're stressed out, not that you're going to do just kind of steady, slow pace.
00:48:12
Speaker
I don't think a single person sprinted. No, maybe they were happy face emojis. Sure. And they chose to just go at their pace. But it was interesting that like, if anything, I think people are developing awareness that they're coming in. They're like, okay, I know I'm like a little bit stressed. Yeah. So let me at least start to see that make an adjustment. I wonder if there's a difference between.
00:48:33
Speaker
You know, I think it's interesting. I would like, if you were to go into the Globo gym, a traditional big box gym versus a CrossFit gym, I wonder what that difference would look like. And I would just, I guess what I'm trying to say is like,
00:48:50
Speaker
you know, and actually not any CrossFit gym, our CrossFit gym because of just the culture that's there and all of the work and messaging and, you know, all of that. But, you know, but if you were to just pluck CrossFit gym off where it's all about the workout and only about the workout. I wonder if there would be more like truly sad faces or I mean, well, I'm just we're just I'm just spinning out of control right now, but like,
00:49:20
Speaker
Can you really act? So, so here's the thing. If I row fast, that means I was a sad face. That means they're going to know I was a sad face and sad face is not good. So I think some of it's like, I think some of it's. Yeah. Well, then it goes back to what the original point of this podcast was just to, I feel like I'm Tyler with Julian trying to reel him back in. Come back. Um,
00:49:49
Speaker
I do actually think people like, well, I'm here at the gym. I should get my money's worth work hard.
00:49:54
Speaker
push myself, there's a whole context of like, well, you know what, what you should be doing and like, well, why, like, what does that, what is that proving about yourself to push hard versus taking a step back and saying, I'm just going to move. So yeah, I think there's, there's a lot of opportunity in the gym to work on that topic of like should and learning. And it's an environment that what's interesting about there is some consistency. There's some structure to it. So there is.
00:50:22
Speaker
And there's frequency too, which is huge. I mean, giving yourself, that's one of the things I love about the practice with each week, you have seven full days to just examine and look for one topic. Just one topic. Just one thing. And I think one, and I, you know, I know there's like, I think the challenge also is
00:50:49
Speaker
It takes time and the answer also isn't to do it all at once. And I think there are some challenges out there, things like that, where it's encouraging you to just do everything at once.
00:51:01
Speaker
you're gonna do this workout, you're gonna do that, you're gonna drink this workout, you're gonna take this, you're gonna eat like this. It's just so much, it's just all this stuff all at once that you're really not learning anything, you're just now just trying to check boxes and like, you get done the thing, it's like what did you learn? I don't know what I learned, I'm just glad I'm alive.
00:51:20
Speaker
Um, so I think being careful about like dosing one thing at a time, which is what's nice about the practice is it's not one day and then the next thing you move on the next day, you have, you know, and I think it would actually, I think it would actually sell more if it was that way. Sure. If it was like, instead of, instead of it being three months, it was condensed into three weeks.
Upcoming Programs & Personal Growth Invitation
00:51:43
Speaker
Well, I think it'd be interesting if you gave it to people and they could do with it what they would. I mean, that was an idea that people could unlock their next thing whenever.
00:51:51
Speaker
But then it doesn't, it just becomes like you cannot just move from one topic to the next and absorb it. So, you know. Yeah. And that's like, and also it's like, I don't believe that that's what's valuable. Right. Well, that's why we don't do six week challenges and nutrition contests. And while, you know, that's the thing is that.
00:52:13
Speaker
Even in the affiliate space, as we said, we're working with strong foot. One of the reasons of us doing the work with them is they have the same idea about like, this is going to take time. Nobody's trying to promise people or, you know, sell them something. They're providing them a lot of knowledge and opportunity for them to do some work. But there are a lot of people out there that are promising.
00:52:38
Speaker
a quick fix. And yeah, maybe they are making they're probably making more money. But yeah, probably also like that's a integrity thing. So anyway, yeah, we got a little off. But that's all right. I think it's a good thing for a homework thing is like, yeah, just having some awareness over the shoulds and which ones are sort of just obviously language and we throw things out there. But as you said, it kind of matters.
00:53:03
Speaker
So just having that thought around like when you say should like, did I really mean should or not? And if so, what areas in your life you're using it, you know, um, examine it and, and look for the potential and the could versus the internal and the personal and what sort of shame is there. And then with that writing topic for people like every day for a week, just,
00:53:32
Speaker
spending five minutes on yeah and I don't think and here's the thing just to finish it like you going through your day knowing that this is happening and saying good I didn't say should like there's no winning this there is no winning the goal is not to get zero shoulds at the end of the day like the macros zeros anyway yeah so that would be cool and then actually if you guys don't mind if
00:54:00
Speaker
For those of you listening, let us know how that goes. Keep us updated. And one of the things we want to do is have it be more conversational and all of that. Did I turn that? Is that thing still going? Red dot. All right. Well, that's all we got. Let us know. You have the seminar in February. I know nobody likes to do anything around the holidays.
00:54:27
Speaker
but January is coming. So instead of waiting until it's like the new year, new you thing, like maybe make the commitment in advance. Um, so that's in February and, um, the practice, you're launching that in January and, and then you can,
00:54:52
Speaker
I'm trying to give people a little bit of a bone here during November. You can save a hundred bucks doing it. Um, there will be no Christmas deal. There's no, there's no Christmas deal. This is it during November. If you'd like to save a hundred bucks, then invest in it. Uh, December, there's no, this isn't like a trick. So I'm like, Oh, it's going to be no December. It's going back up. So that's that. And, um,
00:55:19
Speaker
And I have a women's group program that's kind of more actually along the lines of between the ears. I mean, there is a workout involved. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's also topics that we do call. So it's kind of a weekly topic. So that starts in January as well. That's it. Yeah. All right. See ya.