Transcript
Speaker: When children are raised under a lot of fear, they don't tend to have the opportunity to create their own identity. Their identity comes from not getting into trouble.
Speaker: Like, I'm this way when this happens, but they're constantly on alert and they they they don't get a chance to really make mistakes and learn who they truly are. So I feel like that happened to me. I still do identity work.
Speaker: Welcome back to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast. Just a quick reminder, if you haven't heard part one of my conversation with Stacey, that was published last week. Definitely hit pause and go listen to it first. For everyone else who is ready to go, let's jump right back into our conversation with relationship repair coach and founder of the Family Peace Project, Stacey Greer.
Speaker: I would love to switch gears a little bit and shift over to kind of um the hope or the dream or the what if. And what I mean by that is if you can really, well, not if you can, when you really fulfill this mission that you're on creating safe families and creating um safe parents for people, i want to know like how that can stop. I mean, this term that I'm about to use sounds really big and heavy, but I'm going to call it generational trauma. Yes. where things get passed down from, you know, parent to child, and it keeps going on and on.
Speaker: I once saw a meme, and it's I hate that I haven't been able to find it again. But there's similar ones online. But there's this one that was so powerful that I saw one time. And it's this train coming and this mom literally holding her hand up. And on the other side of her was her children.
Speaker: And she in and the train was labeled generational trauma and how much strength it takes from a parent to be able to recognize those patterns from the past. Yes. Be able to then be the transformation so that then she can, her kids can have the benefit of that, not just her kids, but her grandkids and future generations. Yes. So what do you have to say about that? That's a big part of um my mission is to help parents change that generational trauma. And again, it starts with parents becoming aware of what they are passing on and what what does need to be healing and healing.
Speaker: And it's so hard, I think, to do it on your own. I think that it's because you're so just living your life and things make sense. So um we do a lot of justifying, like, I should be mad at that because that is something that you should be mad at or whatever. And it takes somebody like a third person to say,
Speaker: You know, how else can we take a look at this? yeah Because, yeah, I just think that the the awareness of what people are bringing forward to the next generation is so important. And and i I know clients, when they're telling me about their past, they cannot identify with a sibling or a parent and they're doing the exact same thing.
Speaker: Like it's really hard for them to see that they might be having different behavior than what their how their sibling does it. But the same core fear or the same identity is still being played out.
Speaker: And so I think that it's easy to look at your sibling or look at your mom or look at your dad and say, like, I'm not stubborn or I'm not I don't need to be in control. And and they can show all the ways that their parent or their siblings have to be in control all the time. But as they're telling me their story, it's like, hmm.
Speaker: I have something I'd like to reflect back to you or there's something that I'm observing. And then we talk about it. And as soon as they hear it, it's like a light bulb goes off and it's like, oh, my goodness. Like, yeah, this is. And once you have that awareness and that light bulb moment, everything can change. You will recognize it in everything you say and in everything you do. But it's getting that help in identifying.
Speaker: what it is that we are bringing forward. Right, right. Man, that sure made me think of a couple of things. One is, you know, the term narcissist is thrown around quite quite a bit these days. And that's not to discount anyone's feelings about someone else that they're with, because there's been times when I heard someone say that to me, like, oh, everybody use overuses that term.
Speaker: But I'm like, well, I've actually had a very a terrible- yeah experience with a narcissist. So don't tell me that that doesn't exist. Right. So I don't want anybody think I'm discounting them. However, because this term is so popular these days, like one person can say, well, I want pizza and the other person wants tacos. And it's like, well, you're a narcissist because it's all about you because you want pizza. yeah um And so I think it's like important to like, when someone is calling someone else a name, whether they're saying it to their face, which hopefully Hopefully they're not, but they might be. um Or thinking it, I find it's important to sit like reflect back and say, wait, am I you the narcissist here or am I blah, blah, whatever fill in the blank term i want to use or it could be something else. Am I the selfish person? am Right? Like always check. Like that's kind of the way I live is like always check myself, you know,
Speaker: to make sure like, what am I doing? What is my role in this situation? How am I? And how am I, you know, exacerbating or kind of inflaming the situation? So it's like, do you see that um once a client is able to do that, that they're able to do it more easily and again and again?
Speaker: um Yeah, that's a really great question as well. um When it comes to labeling other people, the work that I do, I tend to stay away from that. So I do have a client right now that has, in their words, a narcissistic mom.
Speaker: um But for me, what's more important is what does that mean to you? Like, how is that impacting you that that's happening? And how can we keep your identity separate from that? And what is the identity that we're building? Because if you were raised with a narcissistic parent, then you probably have some core inner wounds that are coming out as behavior now, right? So my job is always to like find out what that is and help people heal for that for themselves.
Speaker: And then I also work with communication. So if they were ever to have to communicate with this person and they felt unsafe, then there is a map that I give people to help them communicate from their authentic self instead of from like their fear-based or their protective self. and they get a chance to like just talk from their own identity and from and feeling good about themselves. And a lot of times forgiveness is something that we really have to work on a lot in order for that to happen. Wow. So what happens if
Speaker: boundaries were crossed in the past and person has created a new identity for themselves and and feels kind of maybe, I don't know, you would need to tell me what the words were, would be you would use, but like stronger, they're not going to allow these boundaries to be crossed, whatever that might be.
Speaker: But then what happens if this other person continually doesn't respect the boundary or continually does that? Like, how do you work with that if it's still, I guess, current or present problems?
Speaker: Yeah, I would teach people how to kind of detach from that. Like, usually when I do identity work with people, people want to become more loving. more compassionate, more caring, more understanding. So that's their goal. Nothing that I've imposed on them or have told them this is who you need to be. It's things that they want to be a part of their own identity and they want to be serving others and helping others and and things of that nature. So That really helps when they do that work and they still have a parent who is crossing boundaries because now they're able to detach and not take that personally. It's like, oh, that person has some upstream work to do. Like that person is so far upstream right now and I'm going to maintain my baseline.
Speaker: while they're doing it. So they can really separate what they're taking personal and whatnot. To take personal, they're just kind of on their own mission of like being a more loving person.
Speaker: Yeah, I love that. So, okay, I wanna get back to the word fear again because it's popping up for me. Love is explanatory, self-explanatory, right? Like we get that, we know where it comes from, we understand the purpose, we get it. Fear, I'm curious about like for you,
Speaker: where that comes from. and because the reason why is I keep thinking of the word shame, right? Like that's where people's like what I find people's most inner core wound is something about shame, like something like that they're bad or they're defective and something that their parents said or did when they were a little child and had no control over it, then created the story for their whole life. And so I guess here's my question. How do fear and shame connect?
Speaker: um I think that like shame is like a the shame. To me, shame is more connected to the beliefs that we have and the identity that we have. I would say fear is more connected to the nervous system response and more connected to behavior. So if somebody feels shame, then they're going to respond in a fear based way and withdraw or attack or become defensive or whatever. I think I'm so i'm so happy you brought shame up because I think those are the people that are the hardest to recognize that shame is present.
Speaker: Yeah. Right. Like it's very hard to recognize because you're just seeing the no contact. You're just seeing the withdrawal. You're just seeing the defensiveness. It's really hard to look behind that and see a boy or a girl that is feeling and carrying shame or an adult.
Speaker: And those are the people that we really need to walk beside with love and support and create a safe place for them. We need to be the safe place that they never had.
Speaker: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. uh i it's it's funny because i'm curious about how you detect that or pick up on it because i know like i i have some similar training with you with like and nlp and um language and listening to how people's patterns are um for me though i honestly just have a ah spidey sense like my intuition like i can feel i think it's because you know when i'm coaching i'm in a very um open empathetic state and i'm reflecting and so literally when someone is reflecting
Speaker: I can literally feel it in my body. I'm like, oh, this person feels me. So I'm curious about how it works for you. I think it's the exact same thing. i i feel like I'm a very intuitive person that and i I keep myself very healthy so that I can show up for my clients.
Speaker: And I get myself into a very good space ah before I meet with my clients. Like it's very important for me to to be to have the energy to show up. And I feel like I am very intuitive.
Speaker: But the work that I do, it's also important to know it's very collaborative. Like, I do not have a crystal ball that tells me what is going on with you. And in 10 minutes, we're going to know what your core wounds are. And like, I don't know any of that.
Speaker: But like I said, you bring the courage, I will bring the process, and we will walk through this together. And when when i hit something that really resonates with them, their whole face changes, their tone changes, like you can just tell.
Speaker: that it had a profound impact. And a lot of the people that come and see me have tried other things, like have tried therapy and counseling and all of these other things. And when they get to to understanding themselves and going through this inner process, it just unlocks that This hidden treasure um that they didn't know. They knew something was always in there, but they couldn't access it before. And that's why the nervous system work first is so important so that they can access more information.
Speaker: Yes. i I once had, oh, I've worked with many people personally. I've had therapists. I've had um coaches. I've done groups. I've been in a group. And I had one therapist one time just talked about like it's an onion. You know, you're just peeling and just going back layer by layer by layer. And so I've done kind of an in and out. And You know, I think one time I took a year or two off and then I called my therapist and I said, oh, I bet you wondered what happened to me or something. And she goes, oh, I knew you'd be back. You know, there's always a deeper layer. Like there's nothing in anything about me specifically, but she just means that people sometimes need to just kind of be status quo for a while, just kind of try their new way of being and their new growth and see how they feel in that. And then there comes time where you're like, I'm ready to go to the next level and see like what else is there and how else I can have some growth. Yes. I saw a big reaction on your face. What are your thoughts? You know what? It just reminds me of, you know, something that I tell myself is like, this is the deepest layer of truth that I'm aware of in this moment. Yeah.
Speaker: Because as I have evolved as a person, I see myself but like from the very from for as long as I can remember, I've been a student of life and like yeah paying attention to human behavior and and all of that kind of stuff. So, of course, I learn more about being human.
Speaker: And so I always say like, this is the deepest layer of the truth that I'm aware of, because I know as I continue this work and help more people and hear from more people, um my truth is going to get deeper and deeper and deeper.
Speaker: So I'm totally curious, like, how does this show up in your everyday life? Like you go out to the grocery store or coffee shop or like, how are you in real life? Yeah, when you were talking about how you were or how you are as a mom and how you're not coaching your kids and things like that. I think that I'm kind of the same. Like I i just am Stacey when I'm not working. And so I'm not at the grocery store being like, hmm, I wonder what his core wound is. or You know, I think that what I do bring is a lot more compassion and love to the people that I interact with on a daily basis, that I do have that understanding that we're all human. And there is just...
Speaker: There's no behavior on this planet that is going to throw me off into being into like a fear-based state where um i i feel like I need to be mean to somebody or, you know, whatever. Unless...
Speaker: I mean, that kind of goes against what I said earlier, whereas, yeah, I do choose to be mad sometimes or I do choose whatever, but I do i do so with awareness. And so I do try to bring just the knowledge and the experience I have with with being human. Like, I'm human, too. I make mistakes. I'm not...
Speaker: I'm not always aware. I'm not always perfect. um And I go through really tough times in life, too. Right. Like I'm not immune from from going through the hardships of life. um But those are it's cliche, but those are the learning. And yeah, those are the learning moments that we need to take.
Speaker: We need to take advantage of those. We need to take advantage of those, the hard times, because it does. it It throws you into the fear state. Hard times throws you more into a fear state than non-hard times. So it's like that is the best time to really go in and being like, okay, what am i making this mean about who I am? Mm-hmm.
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Speaker: And do you find, I mean, now it's just kind of like, let's be friends and let's talk to each other. But do you find ever, um I call it, you know, it's kind of like the meta thinking or meta analysis where you're thinking about your thoughts and kind of like I coach myself from time to time and Sometimes that can be a lot of work. It can be a lot of work to really be constantly like living in two, you know, like on the um the matrix, you know, where there's these two alternate realities or whatever. There's kind of real life and then there's the life where you're just thinking about your thoughts and about what this means. Yeah.
Speaker: That can be pretty draining, which is why also I want to and you know, kind of iterate on about what you said about you're not going to the grocery store thinking, I wonder what your core wounds are, right? Because that's just too much. It's too much thinking. At one point, we if kind of be us and not be always kind of like on thinking or having our coaching hat on. so I wanted to yeah offer some ah encouragement about that.
Speaker: I would really just love, if it's okay, to ask some questions about what your childhood was like and how you got here because of that. Oh, sure. um My childhood, I would describe that as, um I would say, maybe chaotic. Okay.
Speaker: and And it's funny because i I want to be very careful when I talk about my childhood because, again, this is never about blame. It's all about, like, the meaning I gave to my own childhood. So my story about when I was a child is I would say that I was a lot. Like, I had a T-shirt that said, here comes trouble.
Speaker: So I was the one out of four kids that was always grounded, that was always in trouble. And I felt very unloved and unseen by my father. Okay.
Speaker: So that was really tough growing. And I was so aware of this. Like, ah like, I was so aware of the identity that I was creating as a kid and all of these things. Yeah. And what was your birth order? I was second born, second oldest. Yeah.
Speaker: ok And i always felt like my interactions with my dad was I was getting into trouble. And he wasn't the type of dad who gave hugs or said, I love you or read books, you know, like that was mom's job. Or if we were bad during the day, my mom would, you know, say, I'm going to tell your father when he gets home. So there was a lot of fear.
Speaker: um One thing that I want to mention too, when children are raised under a lot of fear, they don't tend to have the opportunity to create their own identity. Their identity comes from not getting into trouble.
Speaker: Like, I'm this way when this happens, but they're constantly on alert and they they they don't get a chance to really make mistakes and learn who they truly are. So I feel like that happened to me. I still do identity work now. um Yeah, and the like on myself and the the latest, the latest, deepest level of truth that I'm aware of right now for myself is that i was really scared. One of my fears is to be seen and not chosen.
Speaker: fly So if I put myself out there and not get chosen, so that's that came from my childhood too of not being seen. I remember sitting in the kitchen as a teenager, an older teenager, my dad would walk into the kitchen and not even acknowledge my existence. Like he wouldn't say good morning or hello or anything like that. And so I really taught that Yeah.
Speaker: and and so even in my romantic relationships that has impacted in my business that has impacted and it was so interesting because that that layer of truth for me is why i'm on this broadcast It's the reason that I stopped yeah redoing my website and stopped making lead magnets and hiding from people in case I get rejected that I'm able to now be like, that's actually not true.
Speaker: Like it's that's that was like an unconscious fear that was driving my life and my business, my my romantic relationships and my business. that once I became aware of it, now I have the choice to change. I can come on podcasts. I can go out and do things and and do more social media and and things like that.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, thank you for being vulnerable with us and opening up. that It just felt so pertinent because, um you know, in the coaching world, therapists also they always say you know you're trying to heal an earlier version of yourself and so you're working yeah it just seems um you know to to overlap it's you know i i figured it had to a lot it's new with me so you know i'm very passionate about teenagers and about helping them build confidence and about helping them i always say confidence connection and direction so you know, building those safe relationships and then having direction and being able to yeah take healthy risks and make healthy choices for their future. And so the earlier version of myself that I'm healing is my teenage self, oh where I feel confident. And in people, it always sounds funny because on the outside, I looked very confident. I was like cheerleader and I was senior class president. And I was always about having like this confident image. I knew how to look confident, yeah but there was many choices now that of course I've spent
Speaker: much time analyzing my my earlier ah years and and what I did and why I made the decisions I made and I realized I was lacking some things and so I just I'm here now to like kind of help future generations and try to coach them into really seeing themselves and creating that safe sense of self for them like you said like a lot of kids don't have their own identity because of other reasons and um And so I really ah want to encourage both parents and teens to allow their teen to really blossom and flourish into who they were meant to be and, you know, who God created them to be. yeah Because at the end of the day, parents sometimes don't get the kids that they wish they had. In fact, that's probably most of the time.
Speaker: Maybe you got a mix. You got, you know, your favorite child and this. And and i want to just... like wipe the slate clean and just say the kids that you were meant to have and you are gonna need to find a way to love them all and treat them all and not make them feel dismissed or ignored or anything. um Yeah. What's your reaction on that? Because people kids, I'm sure you experienced of that. Yeah, you know, it that that really touches the core of my heart is making decisions um Again, it goes back to the children. I know that when I'm working with adults, when I'm working with parents, that's going to ripple down into how they treat their children. And for me, it's how they treat their pets as well, um or even community members. But I think that...
Speaker: You know, and it's good for the parents too. Like when the parents can come from a place of love, I know I've said this before, but a place of calm and a place of love, they feel better about themselves. That is more at the core of who they are, who they were born to be. We've moved away from that. um Because of our experiences and the meaning and this whole inner process. But they feel amazing when they change, when they work on their inner process, they change their behavior and their kid changes. Like if your kid is having behavior problems...
Speaker: Like you really need to take a look at what your own inner process is as a parent, because that is what's impacting them. And when you change your inner process, you change how you react and and that ripples down to your kids feeling more loved when they feel more loved, when they feel more safe, they're going to behave in a different way.
Speaker: Absolutely. yeah Well, Stacey, this has been an amazing conversation. Is there anything that we didn't cover because we covered quite a bit? um I don't think so. um You know, the only thing that I wanted to add was not finishing that story kind of with my dad.
Speaker: And how, and you know what, he, I always struggled with um and whether or not he loved me or not. Right? Like, that was always a question for me. Like, does my dad love me? It was because his behaviors, I gave meaning to his behaviors, when his behaviors towards me was not his intention.
Speaker: And so I think that that's like a really important distinction that it was it was me putting meaning on on him when that wasn't his intention. So we can't blame our parents. And my dad also has his own human story of how he was raised by my grandpa and by my grandma, you know. And so it is that generational thing that he formed an identity about who he was as a father, from his upbringing, you know, and then put that onto us. And then, you know, of course, um being aware of that um helps stop that that trauma and that generational trauma from continuing. But I think that that was just something that I wanted to to finish my thoughts on.
Speaker: I'm glad you did. Yeah. And having compassion because, um you know, as kids, you don't always understand what parents are going through. But now that I'm um just about to be 50, I've lived a long time. I'm an adult. I've, you know, there are times when I am in hyper focus and I'm thinking about something deeply and my child, I mean, I always say hi to them when they walk in the room, but like maybe I don't respond right away or maybe they've told me something things three times and I forgot because my brain just didn't process it the first two times. Right. And so they could easily someday be talking to a coach like yourself and say, well, my mom, this and my mom, that. Yes.
Speaker: and in And really, if they can, you know, see like, oh, it doesn't mean anything about me. It's um was in her own world and she had a 10 million things going on. And really, that doesn't mean she doesn't love me. That was just what is that. kind that' exactly That's exactly it. Yeah, that's exactly yeah it. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. Well, with that said, how can people find you and work with you? um Probably the best place to start is my website, StacyGreer.com. And ah feel free. There's the human story on there. Go sign up and be a peace builder so that we can get the Family Peace Project in motion.
Speaker: And just to recap on that, for every 1,000 peace builders that we get signed up, we do a free workshop or training in the community, which is nominated by the peace builders and voted on by the peace builders. So it's a very important project. We're trying to help one million families through the Family Peace Project. So it's a huge mission that we need everyone to be a part of. Yes. And just really excited about that. So, yeah, go check out the website. Book a a complimentary call with me.
Speaker: um Check out the services, um the nervous system programs on there. And um I look forward to hearing from you. thank helping you figure out your inner process and your journey and everything else.
Speaker: Well, Stacey, thank you so much for the time. This has been an amazing conversation. You're an awesome guest and I'm super excited to go on. As soon as you get off, I will become an East Wilder myself. So I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash TPHmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.
