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Seeking Strength
67 Plays6 years ago
I'm beginning to open up about my struggle transitioning from the military, why I somewhat spontaneously drove to Florida, and what I connected with and learned from the sun the past few days.
This wasn't the time or way I thought I would start this conversation, but it's appropriate and as good a time as any.
I struggled recording this episode and know the conversation is far from over, but it's a start and it's a commitment to showing up.
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Transcript
A Personal Journey to Ormond Beach
00:00:00
Speaker
hello okay so I am down in Florida right now I am a place called Ormond Beach it's just north of Daytona it's a place I've been coming to on and off more so as a kid
00:00:22
Speaker
my my mom's family's been coming here for literally her whole life and my grandfather always got a place down here for for a couple months and it's a special place, it's a beautiful place, it's around the ocean and I am thankful of being down here and being able to
00:00:49
Speaker
you know, reconnect with, uh, with, with the place that's held a soft spot in my heart for and by all means it's a happy place. Um, so I drove down here on Friday and got here Saturday and I've been down here since and I'll be coming back tomorrow or Thursday when this thing pushes out. Um, so that's where I am. Um,
00:01:20
Speaker
why did I come down here I came down here
00:01:28
Speaker
to reconnect a little bit with myself and do so in a place that has a certain flow and natural elements that have been cathartic, inspiring. Uh, you know, I don't know if I'm enlightened by answers down here and I don't expect to find this moment of clarity and enlightenment necessarily. Um,
00:01:59
Speaker
but having just some time. And I need that time because I haven't given myself that time since I got out of the military. And I don't know.
Transitioning from Military to Civilian Life
00:02:24
Speaker
I didn't anticipate having this podcast be about this topic, but I feel like it's appropriate to start the conversation. I'm not sure how many episodes or how long it's going to last, the span of it, or even the end state of it.
00:02:44
Speaker
But the topic is that I have significantly struggled with my transition out of the military and into civilian life as
00:03:00
Speaker
as I know it now and as it is now. And I want to be very clear in that I have an amazing life. I have an amazing family. I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined. And I don't want to taint that. I don't want to discount that. And I certainly don't want to be ungrateful for what I do have.
00:03:29
Speaker
So that's important to me, just to say. And one of the things I do have that has been another reminder of is, you know, I have an amazing supportive wife in Kay. And she's actually the one who said like, hey, why don't you go down there now? We were looking at the calendar trying to figure out when we could both come down or maybe take the kids and
00:03:56
Speaker
She knows me and she said, why don't you just go down, just yourself. While it would be awesome to have her down here and beach bum it and whatnot, I'm not trying to go on a vacation. To me, this isn't a vacation. I'm down here trying to work on myself, ask myself some questions.
00:04:24
Speaker
That's been really cool to see. That's been really cool to experience and feel and, you know, it is not lost on me. The efforts of, of, of my wife and I, the last thing I want to do or, or, or feel like is I'm abandoning the things that are most important to me. I mean, I don't want to abandon anything.
Challenges and Support Post-Military
00:04:47
Speaker
Um, you know, anything that's valuable or, or, or blessings and, and, um,
00:04:55
Speaker
I don't know, I just feel like it's one of those things that I, that's an answer that I've certainly come about in the short time that I've been down here. How cool is that? That's really neat. The transition. So I spent time in two worlds that could not mutually coexist.
00:05:26
Speaker
And that was really hard. That was really hard. Whenever I was in the military and wherever I was, I was absent of my wife, my family, and the life that is what it is right now. And when I was
00:05:48
Speaker
at home or with them, I was out of a world that I really wanted to be in and was prepared to give my life for and do something of significance and value and greater good and importance, something far bigger than myself.
00:06:11
Speaker
And because of life and the situation, those two worlds couldn't ever really coexist. And it got to a point where I had to make a decision to commit and to live in one of them.
00:06:25
Speaker
And so I chose to leave the military and jump into this other world. Again, a world that I truly am blessed to have. And there's a lot of folks out there that when they end military service, they don't have the community, the support, the family, the roots, the system in place that I have.
00:06:56
Speaker
You know, so I'm super fortunate to have that I really am. But I kind of jumped out of one world into the other and just kind of hit the ground running. And in a way, it was, I guess necessary.
00:07:19
Speaker
But I guess I didn't really, I wasn't really running. I was just kind of falling and stumbling forward and maybe told myself or convinced myself that I was running. But anybody that, you know, knows how to run or has run before would look at it and potentially say like, dude, that's not running. That's just like falling forward.
00:07:43
Speaker
Yeah, moving from previous point, but you're not running. Um, and so I think that that has caught up to me. It's caught up to me and then a point where I have to stop and, and, and, and, and put the brakes on for, for a little bit and, um, look at,
00:08:11
Speaker
look at myself more. And by that, I mean, like, what am I?
Self-Discovery and Meaningful Questions
00:08:22
Speaker
What am I doing? And I know I've said that before, I think it was actually an episode name. But really, with a more
00:08:34
Speaker
clear understanding of the things that are important to me and deep within myself that I want to pursue and I want to run towards. You know, when I was driving down here, I was asking myself, like, am I running away from something or am I running towards something? And
00:09:00
Speaker
I'd like to think I'm running towards something. I'd like to think that that's in my nature. But nonetheless, it felt a little bit like I was running away. And I'm sensitive to that.
00:09:15
Speaker
because, like I said, I don't want to abandon things. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to run away from anything. But hey, I'm at a point now where I have to stop. I have to stop and I have to maybe do some rediscovery, some self discovery, some excavation, some personal excavation there. And so, so here I am. And
00:09:44
Speaker
I don't know. You know, I don't know when I'm ever gonna know.
00:09:54
Speaker
I don't know if I ever will have a very clear idea of what I'm running towards. I'd like to think I will, or at least I'd like to think I will have some firm guideposts and some firmer things that I can ground to and pivot on and propel forward.
00:10:26
Speaker
And coming down here has been good for that.
The Power of Writing and Consistency
00:10:37
Speaker
I've spent a lot of time looking at the ocean, watching the sun, been working out on the beach. I've been doing a lot of writing.
00:10:53
Speaker
great way to communicate with yourself and process things and, you know, the paper doesn't judge. And that's, that's so huge for me to do a dump, do a download and just communicate openly and honestly and absent of, of judgment. So that's, that's kind of what I've been doing. I've been asking a ton of questions and
00:11:20
Speaker
I don't know if I have any answers. I probably have more questions than I do answers and that's okay. So I guess I really want to focus on sustainability of action. And if I look at that, I view sustainability of action as
00:11:51
Speaker
almost almost like the almost like the sun and how it rises from the from the ocean every morning every morning it shows up and that's its strength
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah, there's some days where it's hotter, brighter. And there's some days where you know, that big old ball of sun is up there. But man, there's a lot of cloud coverage and you can't really see it. You know, so the sun's strength is not its brightness, or it's UV index, it's it's it's consistency of showing up. And
00:12:38
Speaker
It emits an energy that is powerful even when it's cloud coverage, even when it's a gloomy day. It still provides an energy to support and sustain and propel life forward and grow.
00:12:58
Speaker
And so sustainability of action for me, like I wanna connect with that. I wanna find that within myself and have that be something that almost becomes automatic. Fully understanding that, yeah, there's some days where you're gonna have to maybe push a little bit more or go through the motions, but not showing up. Or only showing up if you know it's gonna be a cloudless day.
00:13:29
Speaker
That's, that's not, that's not cool. That's not strength. And that's been, that's been good for me to look at. And the other thing is like, sometimes on a cloudless day where that sun is super bright, it's natural for folks to seek refuge and to go into the shade.
00:13:55
Speaker
And, and that's all right as well. Taking that maybe personally or being conditional about when you decide to show up and to shine can't be based off of something that seeks the shade when you're at your brightest. And I think that's like a big thing of judgment, self judgment. Um,
00:14:23
Speaker
You know, because man, on those days where, where maybe someone is seeking the shade and saying, I just got to get away from the sun. Someone else might be stepping out of the darkness and the cold and just craving the energy of, of the sun and of the light. And so that's something I want to remember. That's something I want to keep with me and serve a greater purpose.
00:14:48
Speaker
You got to show up do that Day in and day out showing up and I Want to do that for myself I want to do that for myself and I want to do it from a place of authenticity in a genuine place with the With the
00:15:13
Speaker
compassion and and lack of judgment that either it's not a bright day or people want to get out of the sun but still showing up and and that's something I'm gonna try to take with me back home when I leave so
00:15:37
Speaker
I think I want to stop here and get this out, get this up. It's a quick one, but it's all right. That's kind of what I'm jiving with right now. Show up, man. I'm telling that to myself. Show up when the conditions are going to be maybe different than your best.
00:16:08
Speaker
The strength is in showing up. All right, I'll talk to you guys next week.