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00:00:01
Projection
176 Plays6 years ago
K and I discuss a powerful concept we have been working with and through, personally and with others: Projection. We all do it and that probably isn't going to change anytime soon. But if we can raise our awareness of how we project in our lives, we can take action to see what is really there, not projected.
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Transcript
Introduction and Setup
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello. Did we start? We started. I said hello. Hello. Come on now, Campbell.
00:00:18
Speaker
Your drink is so noisy. It's distracting me. Yeah, hopefully not. We're having to get a little close. We've got some environmentals going on right now that we're factoring in for. So thank you for your patience in advance if we test them on this podcast.
00:00:45
Speaker
You're going to have to say something. OK.
Value of Sharing Content
00:00:51
Speaker
So we were kind of talking before. We usually do a quick 10 minute. Hey, what are we talking about today? And we don't really know. We don't really have a plan on this one. Yeah, I mean, sometimes there's things going on, but.
00:01:09
Speaker
when we want to talk about them on the podcast or how it helps other people. That's questionable. So trying to provide value to people listening, not just rambling about things that might be going on. Right. Something I think that we always try to do is use personal experience to connect, even though the individual experience that somebody listening might be different. We obviously share some common things.
00:01:39
Speaker
Right.
00:01:40
Speaker
So sometimes when it's like, so, you know, like blah, blah, blah about personal stuff or personal life, it doesn't, it feels like, what are we talking for? Like the purpose of this is to obviously flush out thoughts. That's from the beginning is to invite you in, um, kind of along for the ride, but we also recognize some of the work we do is valuable to share. Um, so I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes when we're like, what the,
00:02:09
Speaker
What are we gonna talk about? We don't want to talk about personal stuff without like a so what. Yeah. But I think one of the things that we can talk about today is something we personally have talked quite a bit about.
Understanding Projection in Daily Life
00:02:32
Speaker
it's actually a topic. It's a mindset topic in the BTE practice sample workout, um, which it's not a sample. It's just, it's a, it's an example actually is the notion of projection and how projection shows up in our life. What does projection mean? How do we, how do we project? What do we project? Um,
00:03:04
Speaker
and less concerned with why the projection might be happening and why there's less concern with the why, even though we know we still have to face that and recognize that, but, but different tools, you know, or have different uses. It doesn't mean that just because one is being used and the other use case isn't valuable. So I was thinking we can maybe jump in. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to read the,
00:03:34
Speaker
Oh, um, sure. I can. So this is straight off of the between the ears practice website, which, uh, is BTW and the years dot my kajabi.com.
00:03:54
Speaker
Go to the Instagram, the link is on there. And then if you click blog, there's a workout up there. So the workout is...
00:04:06
Speaker
30 minute row or run or bike every four minutes row or run or bike as hard as possible for one minute and The intent is to do it without the monitor So you can't see the screen and you have no data Hopefully set a clock up to beep, but like you shouldn't be training to time you should be training to intention which is
00:04:31
Speaker
During the four minutes all you're doing is just row and running biking at a casual pace Doesn't matter how fast or slow you're going It's not about that as long as you're moving and then the one minute is everything you've got rows fucking hard as possible
00:04:47
Speaker
So that's the workout. The mindset is projection. And I'll just read this straight from. So we project all the time. In many cases, we do so without knowing we are doing it and for good reason. If you see something life threatening, your brain sends signals to your body to take action.
00:05:03
Speaker
Preservation of life is a worthy cause for projection. But we can't live our lives in this way and expect development and progress to be sustainable, much less enjoyable. We want to thrive, not simply survive. When we project in our daily lives, the cause and effect is far less dramatic in the short term, meaning that there's no threat to life,
00:05:25
Speaker
but impacts the long-term in a life-threatening way. We project by assuming what happened in the past will happen again automatically. We go from past to future and rob ourselves of the present. And the present is where life is lived. We take a sample size far too small for actual use and extrapolate a biased thought of what we think will happen and label it as a fact. But how can we be so sure? We project what we don't want to happen
00:05:54
Speaker
way more than what we do want to happen. How many times have you said, I just don't want X, Y, or Z to happen? Now, is that a statement that X, Y, or Z will happen, or is that a legitimate concern or question? We project as a way to control and hedge against not having control, which is a paradox of life in itself.
00:06:14
Speaker
Why is our
Projection and Relationships
00:06:15
Speaker
need to control so controlling? Projection is a form of judgment. We take a tiny bit of information and paint an entire picture. The projection happens very fast and we buy into it even faster. But we have a choice. It starts with being aware we are projecting in the first place. We must adjust the projection, not by looking at the movie screen, but to the source, the film, and the projector itself.
00:06:40
Speaker
By seeing, we can then examine, and by increasing our awareness, we can take appropriate action to serve our lives in a wholesome, healthy, positive way if we so choose. Common projection symptoms include anxiety about what will come, stress with the unknown, getting worked up about a future event and already classifying it as bad before it's even begun,
00:07:03
Speaker
thinking yourself or others will have, will or have failed before the chance for them to act has even happened. What if the projection was more positive? And it's not just wishful thinking. Neuroscientists call it priming, and the results are staggering. By considering our projection as an image or story we think we know, but really we don't know, based off minimal information, it logically makes sense to reconsider and reorient. But emotions impede logic and logical action.
00:07:34
Speaker
So our projection is more an expression of an emotion into the future. And when we project in the present, in our daily lives, we carry that into the future. We find what we are looking for and we perceive what we project. So let's project the change we want and follow through with action, not the shit we don't. And then there's a journal piece after that, that standard journal. You can kind of read that. So that's the, uh,
00:08:04
Speaker
That's that probably not as easy to digest that listening, which is why you have to kind of read it and whatnot. But that's been a big part of our it's been a big part that we've been working on. You know, projection and how quickly we project something so. What would you say like we've run into that the most with?
00:08:33
Speaker
I mean, what do you think a major area of that with people is like, for us, I think it's, I definitely think in relationships, it's a big one. Yeah. And when you were reading that, I was thinking about, you know, that like pattern.
00:08:46
Speaker
Like extrapolating a small piece of something that's way too small of a size, you know, to make a judgment about, but it's also like that desire for like creating a pattern, like, Oh yeah, this is how it's going to go. Creating that. And that's not really right. That's not a pattern. You just decided it was going to be. Right. Yeah. Um, you know, and I think that it,
00:09:13
Speaker
It's impossible. Maybe not impossible. It's natural to have some form of projection because that's also the way our brain kind of works. And, you know, if somebody pulls into your driveway, the projection is that they're probably going to get out and like maybe ring the doorbell or approach your house or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? Like, sure. Like there's projection happening all the time. And so that's like kind of all of that.
00:09:42
Speaker
where in the personal development of the mindset space that it really, once we kind of are like, holy shit, once we pay attention to it, I think then we can see like, whoa, I am always projecting something or spinning something in a way that's like not in it and not to make it cliche, but it's basically
00:10:04
Speaker
taking away from actually seeing what's happening in the moment, because you're already, you've already decided what's happening, and then you almost taint the present. Right, and you change your present. Like, if you ask me something, and you're doing a million different things, or I'm doing a million different things, and you ask me a question, and I interpret it one way, right? It's like, oh, okay, it was like kind of,
00:10:33
Speaker
She sounded like she was kind of upset. You could have been clearing your throat or you could have had something stuck in your throat or whatever. And if I wasn't, if I didn't know that, right, I would interpret that and then make a big story about why you're pissed off at me and how really it's me who should be pissed off at you because blah, blah, blah, like your whatever.
00:10:52
Speaker
And now I'm like, yeah, now I have to like get defensive and step over. And now I have to be pissed off of you. And it's like, why are you pissed off of me? It's like, why are you pissed off of me? And it's like, what? So it's, it's taking these fragments of information that we really don't quite know and, and making an entire story out of it. Yeah.
00:11:16
Speaker
And that will change your life one way or the other. And it's not, I'm not saying good, bad, or whatever, but that changes your experience. Yeah. And I do think that, I know one of your, before I became a co-host, one of your singleton podcasts,
00:11:40
Speaker
You were, I think you were talking about what, what you're looking for, you know, like you'll find and someone you use like relationships as an example. Yeah. And someone found that like, there was a couple of people I feel like that found that like really helpful. And I do think, um, what's interesting about, you know, relationships are a big piece of people's lives, obviously.
00:12:04
Speaker
But then when you look at it, it's really like, okay, well, you can't, you can't improve your relationship without improving yourself. And so this topic, I do think, I mean, sure, it relates to everything in your life, but I think for us, like, I think it's been a big one in our relationship. And so it's something like, and it can be, I think the projection piece can,
00:12:29
Speaker
can really impact like silly little things or bigger things. But just your example, like, that's something I think that people do every day is projecting, because of like, maybe what their spouse or their partner or whatever the person in your relationship has maybe done in the past, you almost like don't give them a chance to
00:12:53
Speaker
Show up differently. You're kind of, you've already projected what they're going to do. And that can be then challenging for that person to get outside of that. That like, so then it becomes almost like in a relationship projecting on the other person.
00:13:10
Speaker
Keeps them from making progress. So now you're almost like getting in the way that person's progress which is kind of you're not even giving them a chance to To to be different because you're because you are going to look for Validation for your projection and that's kind of it's like whoa. No, not yes. You are like a hundred percent you are and
00:13:33
Speaker
Now, if you're unaware of the projection, if you're aware of it, you're like, okay, and we have this, like, so, I mean, I don't want to like, you know, use you all the time, but, um, you are somebody who goes after things. You are. You can use me in positive ways. I am. Just the negative examples we'll use you. Yeah, that's good. That's good.
00:13:57
Speaker
you are quick to act and you make things happen. You're not going to sit around for months on end, pondering, researching, digging in like, nope, you're going to be like, I'm going to go after it. I'm going to step forward. I'm going to see who it is and whatever the adjustments have to happen, have to happen. Sometimes that can, that can sometimes kind of ride the line between maybe like reckless or
00:14:27
Speaker
Not like entirely thought out or just, you know, like not really knowing what the plan is or whatever. Cause that's your, like, that's just, you know, kind of it. Sometimes that pays off very well. Sometimes that creates learning lessons, but that's kind of what makes you you. So if we're doing something and we've done things, we've talked about things and all the time, cause we've worked together, it's like,
00:14:55
Speaker
before we even start a project or change. All right. I need to adjust what I'm doing because Kay is going to hear three words into this paragraph long thing that I have and already start acting.
00:15:13
Speaker
or up like there she is if you're fired up you're like yeah let's go like and you're kind of being your authentic self too with it it's like oh well like hold on like i'm not ready or you're just you're getting away ahead of me or i'm not you know and it's like
00:15:31
Speaker
you you you might not actually be doing that you might just be like yeah right on like what do you got next or whatever but like you're because that's my opinion that's my bias that's my belief of of you based on something that you have done in the past it's like it's and it's and it's not like I'm even giving you really the chance it's like you also think some of it's like you're talking about an example where it's kind of a negative like we project
00:16:00
Speaker
Like, there's probably been times to your point where I've done something really good with an idea. But we normally project the bad, not the good. So you're not sitting there projecting like, ooh, Kay's gonna hear this and she's gonna like turn it into gold. You're projecting, I'm gonna act too hastily and do what I always do and blah, blah, blah. So that's kind of what's also interesting is like, why the hell wouldn't we project
00:16:26
Speaker
and give the person, if we're going to project, why not protect the good shit, right? And give them the benefit of the doubt. But I think it comes from a place of. And for me personally, when I project, it's to avoid like the intent is kind of good in a way. Yeah. Because it's like, OK, I'm going to if I know that this is coming, which kind of is interesting because it goes back to the known and the unknown. But if I know this is coming, if I know the bill is going to act this way,
00:16:56
Speaker
How do I adjust the kind of to our point, like adjust the present to sidestep that? Yeah. But the reality is now you've done two things. You've.
00:17:06
Speaker
projected and you've altered what your authentic action would be to try to accommodate for
Projection in Parenting
00:17:12
Speaker
that. So now it's like kind of a double whammy, which for me does usually end up in, it ends up in a bad place and I have to backtrack all the way back through the projection and back through the altering my course of action. And I ended up right back where I started where if I had just been honest or authentic and not projected, it would have had more success. So you can't really,
00:17:35
Speaker
it kind of creates this false sense of like controlling things that that it's like it's an attempt to control things that you don't have control without it out and that's yeah that's so the intent could be good but it's still not healthy yeah and i mean i think
00:17:56
Speaker
Intent is a funny thing because we've had a lot of times like, you know, and for years to talk about, like, I don't fucking care about your intent. Yeah. But then I'm just saying that's something we've said where it's like, Oh, I intend. It's like, I don't care.
00:18:14
Speaker
if I didn't, if I didn't, I, I didn't intend to offend you. I was like, well, but you did. So what I'm saying is like, that's not always the case. Like your intentions obviously matter. I think the thing is, is that let's just check ourselves on how much we say, look, I didn't intend to do that. And it's like, well, did you, do you actually know that? Because some of this stuff lecture, you didn't intend to probably be a malicious human being.
00:18:44
Speaker
But like your projection now, which is happening unaware, because intentional and intention means your, your, your awareness is high and your, and your choice is you're, you're exerting your choice. Right. A lot of people say, I didn't intend for that. It wasn't my intentions were good.
00:19:09
Speaker
And I would just, I would kind of actually be like, well, no, you wanted the outcome to be a way that it wasn't, it wasn't necessarily about the intentions. It was more about the result. And so I think that gets into a tricky place. Sure. And now we're getting down a rabbit hole. But with the projection, I think the biggest thing is looking for
00:19:36
Speaker
in your life times where you're like, okay, I'm taking this fragmented piece of information, this very small data point. While at the time, yes, it might feel big and I'm not minimizing or discounting the, you know, the impact it has, but what are you then doing with it? You know, if you were to take, it's like anybody, um,
00:20:02
Speaker
I'm not gonna go down that, but you understand what I'm saying. So first it's like the awareness of it. And I think just asking yourself like throughout the day, okay, I'm taking something small and I'm making it big. Let's just say, what am I projecting? Not about myself necessarily, but like within my environment, what are the, how am I creating these images and these stories? What, do you have an example of today, something you think, if you're aware of that, like that you projected?
00:20:32
Speaker
um today i mean you you did a workout like i could have been that i mean our discussion we had a discussion we had a discussion with that no i mean i think
00:20:48
Speaker
I think it was pretty good today without, like, I think it was just like, all right, accepting of what it is. You know, we were, we were talking before the nine about some stuff and, you know, what the stuff you were bringing up was, would have projecting my stuff.
00:21:10
Speaker
would have been not good for that situation um you know i think that it's it the the not the counter necessarily to projection but
00:21:25
Speaker
ally that can help if you're very if you are projecting a lot is really getting to know empathy and acceptance and acceptance of you know others acceptance of situations acceptance of yourself like just just looking at your relationship with with empathy and acceptance as a way to kind of just maybe not make it
00:21:47
Speaker
Right, because ultimately the projection is kind of your stuff. And so empathy helps you to relate to the other person and stop you from just getting on your train and taking it from there. Yeah, I started to reject a little bit based on what I thought you needed. And because you were fairly emotional,
00:22:09
Speaker
I was thinking, okay, let me try to match some emotion, but also kind of steer us in a logical sense as well. But trying to have there be some emotion, like not just have it to be so sterile and lacking emotion. And you were kind of like, look, I'm not like, I get it, but that's not what I need. And then it was like, yep, check fire. Like that was not,
00:22:35
Speaker
And I kind of, so I projected a little bit, because I've been in your situation too, and I was like, okay, this is what you're doing, and this is what I know. Right, and that's where it's like that intent was to like try to, like I've been there before, but in that process, you're kind of missing what's right in front of you, or what that person is. Right, and that's the thing with coaching, where it's like, you know, the levels of active listening, and you know, whatever, whatever school you subscribe to, but it's like, it's not about me, like me being like, you know,
00:23:05
Speaker
in this conversation, so I need to be like, sure, I might have a past experience, I might have a thought that's great, but I need to pay attention to what's being said and not said, and the energy right now.
00:23:20
Speaker
And be like what what do we have to do right now? Not where do we want to go because I know in 17 minutes You're gonna coach a class. So I'm thinking all right if we can sort of Like like disarm a little bit in terms of just the edge or the whatever Nudge us towards towards like just kind of getting our head about us But that's like don't now you're trying to solve other people's problems and basically that's what I tried to do and it was like this Isn't that's not working. So it's kind of like projections two things one. It can be like
00:23:49
Speaker
in a vacuum for me, I project things. I project even about my life in the future. But then I can also project on other people. So it's kind of twofold, like projecting, like, for example, that, like in a workout, like that workout example.
00:24:08
Speaker
this workout today? No, the workout for this mindset. The projection for me, because I do actually do this sometimes in workouts, the projection is like, OK, I'm not going to go that hard this minute because I have 30 more minutes of this. So I'm projecting into the future of how it's going to feel. That's still within my experience. I'm not projecting that onto anybody else. But projecting onto someone else is like someone comes to me, they're going to do that mindset workout.
00:24:39
Speaker
And I'm already talking to them about my experience. I'm already projecting onto them my stuff. So do you know what I'm saying? It's both projecting with their own shit into the future about how things are going to go and not just letting them happen. And it's also projecting onto other people your own thoughts and not being there, which back to last week's episode, which you're talking about coaching, like that's where I think the best coaches
00:25:08
Speaker
And like, that's something you've definitely, I've understood from you and understood from, you know, working with a coach, like they're not trying to solve your problem. That would be them projecting what they think the solution is for you. And they can't do that. That's not, and that's the thing with projection where you make a story nonfiction.
00:25:33
Speaker
And true. And it's like, yep, it's this, but really like you have no idea because it's, it's, it is a small, it is like a fragment of a piece of information. And then there's a judgment and there's a bias or whatever. And so if somebody is doing this projection workout and I have, and I've done it and I'm like,
00:25:55
Speaker
And I just tell them like, here's a, here's a, here's a more realistic example. Let's talk about, um, George today or yesterday or two days ago, whatever. And, um, before immersion, someone was telling them about tips for success for between the years gaming the system. And it's like, that might've worked for you. Mm-hmm.
00:26:22
Speaker
that might work for George, but it might also have absolutely no bearing. Because you don't know what is actually going to happen. Because, well... Because it's not happened yet. Because it hasn't happened yet and you're not doing it. So how do you know?
00:26:41
Speaker
So it's just a big old guess. But we buy both. We're like, no, it's true. We buy into it. We believe it to be. And it's not.
00:26:53
Speaker
Right. So that person projected their experience on, but almost that stuff is then like you start to ask about visualization and we've talked about that. Yeah. So now you're creating, you're projecting how things are going to go. What's funny about a lot of these things is they all connect. So like we've talked about visualizing and what you think about that or your stance on it. So like, okay, I have a big interview tomorrow. I don't, but that would be interesting.
00:27:22
Speaker
I have a big interview tomorrow or let's say next week. Next week we're going to the Netherlands to connect with the strong fit people. And say, I'm like, I'm going to like do a visualization exercise about it. Yeah. And I'm going to imagine everything and how it goes and the podcasts and what I'm going to say. I'm projecting what that experience is going to be like. And then I go there and it's not like that at all.
00:27:50
Speaker
And then this is another topic we've talked about. So now the reality versus my projection of the reality, there's a gap there and that causes just this panic. And so now my projection plus the difference of what's happened and not happened, like all of that stuff versus the alternative.
00:28:09
Speaker
which is like obviously preparing yourself in a responsible way for what you're about to do, but then going and like assessing like, okay, what's happening now? And let me use my tools now to apply to the present.
00:28:22
Speaker
Yeah, your projection creates an expectation. And when expectation differs from reality, which it nine times out of 10 does, you focus on the difference between the expectation and the reality and what you didn't do leading up to this versus where you're at right now. And that's presence.
00:28:44
Speaker
And that's what it's like kind of all about. That's why I don't like visualization as this catch all.
Skepticism of Visualization
00:28:53
Speaker
Oh, you got to visualize all the best visualize all the best visualize bullshit because what they like what the visual is the dynamic landscape that you operate in.
00:29:07
Speaker
you don't know, you know, and this was like the whole this, this was always a thing, you know, whatever, you know, in the military or an army or whatever. Let's just take a let's just take a let's just take a halo jump, for example.
00:29:25
Speaker
We're gonna exit at 12,500. I'm gonna dive out, turn left, and then pull. They're gonna be there, they're gonna be here. I'm gonna look down. I'm going to identify my landmarks. There's that, there's this, there's that. I'm gonna fly to that. I have my route. I know what I'm doing under Canopy.
00:29:42
Speaker
right i've got it all visualized i've got it all rehearsed i know i can i i've seen the terrain kind of memorized it i've memorized it i get out and it's fucking cloudy you can't see the ground now what the fuck are you gonna do right if you've tied and that has happened before i mean that that has happened and it's like oh
00:30:01
Speaker
Oh shit. So it's like, well, what was the point of looking for the, the, the, the terrain feature? Like, well, the direction you had to go, maybe for the distance, the leg, whereas other people like understanding is far greater.
00:30:20
Speaker
Yeah, and so that example, what I think is interesting about that as it relates to like the memorizing and what the point of it is.
00:30:32
Speaker
And I kind of had a thought, well, actually I was thinking about like when we talk about like learning and memorizing and like a lot of the visualizing or projecting is kind of like memorizing the steps. Like it's just going to go like this and this and this. If I just, if all the steps go perfectly like this, then nothing can go wrong. But really what you're doing is you're not understanding like.
00:30:57
Speaker
you know, like the actual journey or where you're at or what your skills are, what your tools are, you know? Like, so we obviously have talked, we haven't really talked a lot about parenting, but a lot of people that listen are parents or will be parents or, and I think it's interesting. It's, you know, now that our kids are older and they have homework and things kind of count and matter and trying to help them understand too, like that,
00:31:27
Speaker
like understanding what's happening and why and the tools of now versus just memorizing the path to go or just the end point is then on the test. So like you've memorized that whole jump based on like this and this and this and this and then it's cloudy. So the test comes, you think it's all this stuff, but then the things are different or the questions and it's like, shit, I don't know this. I only knew, you know, we just went through that the other night with
00:31:54
Speaker
with Marcus. So I think it's so applicable, yeah, to everything. Like it really is, I think a catch all like, Oh, projection. It's such a easy thing to throw out there. Like, Oh, I don't project on to other people, but it's really a bigger thing.
Avoiding Projections onto Children
00:32:12
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, you project on to other people. So you set others up for some, some course of action that you pretty much believe is going to happen. And then you look for that to validate your projection. And then there's also, um, within your own personal side, like projecting this thing is going to be a nightmare. We put a fence up. Yes.
00:32:33
Speaker
And the town did not, somebody complained. And then the town came and said, stop working, come down to the office. It was very much like you were getting in trouble in school or something. We were, we did get in trouble. I'm gonna get down there and okay, this and that.
00:32:51
Speaker
They come by to look at what what we did wrong. They approved it based on the drawing and then they came by because someone complained. It's a whole mess. I projected in that that we were going to be not able to build the fence because we kind of fucked up in the first place, that we were going to have to pay a substantial amount of money as a fine. Mm hmm. That's interesting. I didn't know this. Yeah. Yeah, there's some way you were so angry. No, that was something else.
00:33:20
Speaker
That was one of the other 999 reasons. Come on now. 998. That's better. OK, so we're going to have to not build a fence. We would have to return all the wood, which probably you can't return. We're not returning. Just lay there in our lawn. We were going to waste people's time, waste a significant amount of money. And I was going to burn the municipal building down. I mean, the last part, not really. I'm just joking. That's a bit extreme to be putting on a podcast. I would flood it anyway.
00:33:49
Speaker
Yeah. So that was like a projection. Yes. And when we were discussing it, what's funny about that is you were projecting all that. No, you didn't share that with me, but you were very upset about this. Now I wasn't happy either, but I felt like my projection, and I'm not saying I always have a more positive projection, but in this case, I was, I wasn't thinking those things, which may be ignorant.
00:34:14
Speaker
But I was thinking, my projection was like. But ignorant to the projection, you're right. Like, ignorant, you were ignorant to my projection. No, I mean, yeah, ignorant to like, oh, I didn't even think about there could be a fine. Yeah, but that's my projection. No, that's the thing. That's the fucking made up story that I'm saying, oh, the fine. And like, yeah, so you are ignorant. Was there a fine? No. Can we build a fence? Yes. Yeah, so the projection I had was like, it's going to be, yep, this is kind of annoying, but.
00:34:40
Speaker
I'm seeing like my projection was like, we're going to have a fence one day like it and we do. That's so. But what's funny about that is if you shared with me your projection, I probably would have gotten back. I would have gone down that like, I didn't even think about it. Yeah. Now, I tried to pull you into mine. I don't know that I pulled you in, but maybe I got you out of wanting to flood the municipal building. So but I think that's where it's tricky in a relationship as well. The
00:35:10
Speaker
navigating that I think that's where the awareness I think like man it all comes back to this we're like okay if you are in a relationship if you with your husband or wife with your son or daughter with you know whatever having a conversation about this and like hey I realize that sometimes like I project this or that yeah I mean parenting Jesus like
00:35:36
Speaker
people project a lot on their kids. Yeah, Marcus having a 77 in honors math as a freshman is three projections away from him being a drug addict, homeless, jobless, because like, but seriously, you know, that's things and he's gonna and it's like, holy crap, the kitchen needs to learn how to study because literally no one's ever taught him. Right. Well, the other and the other thing is the projection is and I think
00:36:06
Speaker
that's probably the most dangerous thing as a parent is like if we already decide to your point like okay he's not like we've talked about let's see you work harder here's some tools let's okay now's the chance
00:36:20
Speaker
If we already project that he's not going to do those things, what kind of chance does he have? Because we're just looking for like, well, you had five minutes and you didn't do a math problem during it. It's like, well, now you're just looking for those things. So I think that's just a good thing for parents to have. I think it's totally natural. And of course.
00:36:38
Speaker
when you think about maybe what you did or your habits are like, I don't want that for you. So I'm kind of projecting what I would have liked to have changed about how I did things, but that's not really fair for
Discussing Projection in Relationships
00:36:48
Speaker
them. So I think having that awareness from the parent side and then about parenting with your spouse, because that's another thing, you know, like just helps everybody kind of stay present with like, let's take it one day at a time versus
00:37:06
Speaker
everybody having their own imaginary scenario that they're coming up with that doesn't relate to what's actually happening. Yeah. So I think it's a really big one to just if people were, you know, to just look at that, I mean, what that could probably do to and I mean, it's helped our relationship, I think.
00:37:25
Speaker
No, no, no, definitely. And that's a big thing about awareness is like, and we say about this all the time, but like awareness alone is not enough. And that's not from like a scarcity thing. It's just like, it's not going to awareness in itself is not going to be the change. Like that's where the action and the follow through has to happen.
00:37:41
Speaker
but with the awareness of projection and having the shared vocabulary and common experience and vernacular to be like, Hey, okay. Hear me out of this. I think you might be projecting a little bit. This is what I'm seeing. What are you feeling? And then of course, like, yeah, the strength of your relationship is going to depend upon if you can or cannot have that conversation. Um, but it provides a common ground.
00:38:08
Speaker
to discuss and like at the individual level too, you have to do that as well. You have to like, you know, when someone else maybe isn't around or if it's at work or just with you personally, like what am I projecting here? Like you, but there has to be something.
00:38:29
Speaker
to trigger that and to have that awareness piece because if you just say like, oh, I'm going to think about that, you're not like because the habitual nature of things and just kind of like we were talking about before about having like a barometer or thermometer to just be like just a measuring stick, a quick like, hey, where am I a snapshot thing? And that's where so much of this is
00:38:49
Speaker
So important to be like, I need to have the habit formed, not mindlessly, but intentionally and in control and not just reactive, but proactive. And this is an element that I want to see, which.
00:39:09
Speaker
which is, I think, super important. And that's where the, and that's just, from what I was saying, that's where, with the practice, I'll say it, it involves you in it, and it gives you a physical experience that you won't forget.
00:39:25
Speaker
to look at it. To look at it, yeah. To look at it and experience it. It's the book is, you're in the book. Like it's, if you think about like a 3D like holographic thing, like yeah, projection, like I didn't make that up. Now the mindset and the physical thing, I did, but these concepts and these principles that are very powerful and that are ages old are great, but if they just stay on the paper,
00:39:51
Speaker
Sure, yeah in a book. That's that's yeah, not you know, so yeah last week I was thinking about the projection like a little bit different way, but a couple things one that Like just to go back to the relationship thing like You know, I think there's I was talking to Kyla who I'm using as a coach like about the things that I
00:40:22
Speaker
And I don't, we didn't really use the word projection, but like the things that I've kind of already decided that you might think that you have no, and that's such a, like, how can you battle against that? Like, cause I've already decided. And it's a complete yes. That's the thing. Like you are. So I've not said to you, Hey, I think that you think this, this, this, I've just decided it for myself. And then I'm going to operate from that place. So like a, not that personal, easy example.
00:40:50
Speaker
I like to watch shows. You like to read. If I decide that every time I watch a show, you literally think I'm stupid or like not an intellectual person because I decided to watch a show instead of read a book. What show? I'm watching whatever. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what show. I know. I was just joking.
00:41:14
Speaker
But like that's one that could get that could become problematic if I've already decided that. Well, for both of us. Yeah, for sure. But like you haven't said any like I've literally never thought that too. That's what like you tell me that I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? That is ridiculous. But like if that's what I believe now, I've put you in a position where like you don't even know that I think that. No. What are you supposed to do to change? I don't even know it. But I'm continuing to create this. And every time I do that, I'm actually
00:41:43
Speaker
strengthening my argument that's completely falsified. Well, and what's the show you're currently watching? So I'm watching this Modern Love, these little short episodes that are based on New York Times column that was written about, you know, different little people's like small stories about love, relationships. Cool. So positive. Yeah. I am sometimes not one for that type of consumption or fun.
00:42:10
Speaker
So if I'm on the couch reading and you come down to get a drink of water and go back up and I make an innocent little joke, like, Hey, how's your, how's your love stories thing? Like.
00:42:25
Speaker
Do they fall in love yet? Or, you know, just something stupid. I haven't made it yet. So it's definitely stupid. You know that. But anyway, if I just make a joke where I really mean nothing about it and I'm just like making like, throw away small talk, just like a little bit. That could be a trigger that then sets off this whole thing. That could be like a huge thing. So that's that little fragment of information. So you already have this thing, this story playing in your mind.
00:42:52
Speaker
Now there's this little fragment of information. Bill is ridiculing, making fun, think I'm this thing. And then it's like, boom. Now you've got this whole very complicated, very dynamic movie with character plots and twists and everything. It's just a damn near immediately thing.
00:43:11
Speaker
When in fact, it was just like, it's like that meme of the guy, the guy and the girl in bed. Like, what are you thinking about? She's got this whole crazy thing. And he's just like, I wonder why my motorcycle won't stop. Right. But so yeah, so that, and then to tie to the physical last week, that was something that like came up that I was tasked with or like a question that came up that Kyla posed.
00:43:33
Speaker
that I had, like, wow, I have to think about. That's something for me to think about. And that day, it was like, I was gonna go for a walk. That was like kind of my thing, to go for a walk, put a weight vest on, like, whatever, go for a walk. And so like, even though it was just a walk, I knew going into the walk, like, this is something I wanna think about on this walk. It was 40 minutes.
00:44:00
Speaker
And like to your point, like that walking, the moving, like the environment, like the leaves, all that stuff, like that is locked in in association with that versus I'm going to think about this on the way to the gym and then I'm going to do work and I'm going to think about it some more. Like having an experience that's tied to that mindset and to what you're thinking is really powerful. So it doesn't, you know, I think this is where some people lose a little bit of the understanding of like,
00:44:30
Speaker
they misunderstand the practice the physical piece like the movement and the attaching your body to what's going on in your brain is what's important not if it's a burpee or a squat or a bike I mean you design these workouts obviously to use a tool that you feel like is the best
00:44:51
Speaker
the optimal fit. I don't just make work. Right. But I mean, in the absence of using that tool, it doesn't have to be. Well, there's people that are doing the practice. No, not at all. And there's people that are doing the practice and getting value out of it that are working through an injury that are, you know, on the call, on both group calls, Sunday and Monday, people were very honest and said, like, I didn't do the workout this week. You're not doing the workouts. Like, I'm not doing all of them.
00:45:19
Speaker
So people are going to kind of come in and come out. Because if you want just a workout, then go to the gym. Then do something else. Well, the other thing is like today's workout, for example, with class, we were talking about it afterwards. There was a breathing assignment to kind of keep it in the right stimulus to have some recovery. There was trying to feel your muscles actually working, the correct ones. So like, for example, that workout where you can
00:45:46
Speaker
You can't even think about counting because you're so focused on what you're doing. How would you possibly then think about a mindset topic? So while there are some workouts that don't, you can't just say like, oh, every time I work out, that's when I'm going to think about this mindset topic, which is why you curate workouts that will allow for that.
00:46:05
Speaker
So I think that's where it's not just as simple as, or it's not just as extreme as like, Oh, it's this crazy work. And it's not just work out and think hard. Like that's just not even, and it's also not like, think what I think. Right. So my point is like, that's definitely tying, um,
00:46:23
Speaker
an experience or something physical. It doesn't have to be always intense to that. What's going on in your brain is the point is the magic kind of of the practice. Yeah. And it's really cool to see and hear how people are making it theirs. Yeah. And that's and that's really what I feel strongly about, like the most like obviously we have to have a centralized, like common experience, a common ground and there's coaching and there's this and that.
Sharing Valuable Experiences
00:46:50
Speaker
But, you know, making it hearing how people are
00:46:54
Speaker
evolving it within their own and that's adapting it to be in their life and that is the essence of it. That's the point. Not to say, there are no certificates given out saying that you're a between the years practice graduate. That would be really cool though. I want to get them and frame them right next to my... Then you have to do all the workouts.
00:47:17
Speaker
So anyway, I think we are trying to keep these under an hour. And that's another topic for another day, is this to end on this.
00:47:27
Speaker
it's great to decide today like wow this really resonated projection don't expect to like eliminate all projection within a day just because now you said like no so it takes time and takes time takes effort takes practice it takes more than four weeks or a week or a day so it's sort of like and I and I think the what I think you would agree on encouraging people to do is
00:47:52
Speaker
If it's something you want to work on or you're identifying like wow, I do this a lot If it's in your relationship, maybe include that other person in it like hey, I listened to something today I've I owned that or I realized like wow I do a lot of this and clue them in on it because I think that goes a long way like I'm working on not doing that so So they know like hey, I think can you help me with this? Yeah, I think and you're right. I think that that's
00:48:17
Speaker
You owe it to the people around you to share the shit in your life that you feel valuable. Yeah. And that's not, I'm not saying that so that you share between the ears, but, um, in fact, I'll just actually, but what I was thinking about was like with strong fit, like.
00:48:33
Speaker
That was a major, major thing for me to, because I wanted to share that with you because I've had, you know, and saw an experience of tremendous value. And it's like, kind of back to like, don't be the hoarder. Right, right.
00:48:51
Speaker
You know, um, and so with this stuff, like this mindset stuff, um, yeah, share it with the people in your life, because it's also going to add a completely different dynamic to it that you simply put an experience on your own in isolation. And that's, um, yeah, one of the things I think that I.
00:49:11
Speaker
Continue to think is a good future project, just because so many people have it's come into our conversations and in our own life is like a family practice, like even just sharing some of this stuff like going through like there's a ton of stuff.
00:49:27
Speaker
just people who are in that kid age 12 and up. We do try to include the kids, but it could be a cool thing to do so. There's lots of ideas. I think this year we're ready for it, probably in... 2020.
00:49:43
Speaker
Yeah. The second half though. 2020. That's kind of cool. I feel like if 2020 can't be a good year with the name 2020, like why would the 2020 vision? I don't want 2020 vision. I want better than 2020. 2020 is the good job. You're not fucking broken. Well, isn't that good? All right. That's it. But really my vision, I would like to have a better vision.
00:50:13
Speaker
Well, it's only gonna get worse from here. No, it's not. You know what they say. What do they say? Carrots make your eyes work? No, you can wish in one hand.
00:50:24
Speaker
Right. Don't. I won't. Okay. Family podcast. Family podcast. All right. That's all we got. If you want to know the end of that, just send me a message. Yeah. We're on social media, Instagram, that whole bit at Between the Ears, at Bill Anthes, at Cariana Anthes, all of that. Redoing the website as well, which, yeah, another project.
00:50:52
Speaker
A lot of stuff going on. I'll have to send that to the web department is on that. Yeah.
00:51:00
Speaker
Uh, the media department's on the podcast. So yeah, we've, uh, we'll, we'll have to tell the team of people anyway. I'm always looking for, for that stuff. The seminar is in February. Don't wait. Don't be that person that waits the last minute to register. Cause out of spite, I might shut it down. Um, just kidding. And then the practice is starting again in.
00:51:23
Speaker
January and but yeah anything else just shoot us a note. Hopefully you enjoyed this week and We'll talk to you next week. Actually, we won't or will we? Okay, goodbye