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Real Talk on Attachment Styles, Communication, & Monopoly Mayhem
26 Plays10 days ago
Gather ’round for a heartfelt, hilarious, and unfiltered sibling chat on this episode of Unsolicited Perspectives! Bruce Anthony and J. Aundrea tackle everything from cleaning hacks gone hilariously wrong to the emotional complexities of attachment styles. They bring you relatable stories, honest insights, and that special sibling chemistry that feels like you’re hanging out with family.
Whether it’s navigating the awkward dance of anxious and avoidant relationships, sharing Monopoly battles that hit too close to home, or unpacking the communication differences between men and women, this episode is packed with humor, wisdom, and plenty of “aha” moments. It’s a little messy, totally real, and exactly the kind of podcast episode you didn’t know you needed.
Grab your headphones, settle in, and join the family fun—you won’t want to miss it! #attachmentstyles #relationshipgoals #relationship #monopoly #unsolicitedperspectives
🔔 Hit that subscribe and notification button for weekly content that bridges the past to the future with passion and perspective. Thumbs up if we’re hitting the right notes! Let’s get the conversation rolling—drop a comment and let’s chat about today’s topics.
For the real deal, uncensored and all, swing by our Patreon at patreon.com/unsolicitedperspectives for exclusive episodes and more.
Thank you for tuning into Unsolicited Perspectives with Bruce Anthony. Let's continue the conversation in the comments and remember, stay engaged, stay informed, and always keep an open mind. See you in the next episode!
Chapters:
00:00 Welcome to Unsolicited Perspectives 🎙️🔥💥
00:33 Sibling Happy Hour Begins 🍹🌶️
01:10 Scrubbing Secrets and Cleaning Chaos 🧽🛁
05:46 Caffeine, ADHD, and Finals Week Survival ☕📚
11:09 Monopoly Mayhem: How Family Game Night Got Too Real 🎲💰
17:26 Thanksgiving Tales and Growing Up Together 🦃👨👩👧👦
19:31 What’s Your Attachment Style? A Beginner’s Guide 💞🧠
31:25 Friends, Family, and Finding Secure Attachments 🤝❤️
32:02 Love and Independence: Avoidant Attachment Explored 🌟🔗
33:03 Caught in the Anxious-Avoidant Trap 🎢😰
34:55 Personal Attachment Stories: Lessons Learned (and Still Learning) 📝🤔
45:49 Healing Attachment Styles: Tips and Therapy Gems 🛠️🛋️
50:03 Decoding Men and Women: How Communication Styles Clash 🗣️🔍
53:06 Patriarchy, Vulnerability, and Emotional Growth 👑💔
01:06:27 Final Thoughts and Takeaways
Follow the Audio Podcast:
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Produced By White Hot
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Transcript
Introduction and Call to Action
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome. First of all, welcome. This is us listening to Perspectives. I'm your host, Bruce Anthony, here to leave the conversation at important events and topics that are shaping today's society. Join the conversation or follow us wherever you get your audio podcasts. Subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our video podcasts. Rate, review, like, comment, share. Share with your friends, share with your family. Hell, you can share with your enemies.
00:00:33
Speaker
On today's episode, it's the Sibling Happy Hour. I'm here with my sis, J.A. Andrea. We're going to be dilly-dabbing a little bit.
Theme Introduction: Sibling Happy Hour
00:00:41
Speaker
Then we're going to be talking about attachment styles. And then we're going to be talking about the differences of communication between men and women. But that's enough for the intro.
Shower Cleaning Struggles
00:00:50
Speaker
Let's get to the show.
00:00:58
Speaker
What else this? What up, Reddit? I can't call it. I can't call it. You know, life is funny sometimes. All right.
00:01:10
Speaker
Cleaning supplies actually work. Yes. All right, so here's the thing. yeah Where I live, huh? Yeah, back up, because I'm not with you.
00:01:23
Speaker
Where I live, the water is hard, right? So mildew can build up in my shower really easily. And I try my hardest every week to clean my shower. Ladies and gentlemen, I be cleaning my shower. You know how some men don't be cleaning their showers? Not me. I be cleaning my shower. They were like, the shower cleaned itself. No. No. No, it was not. No. It really doesn't. You got to clean it. Absolutely not. So I've been trying to clean it to get rid of the excess mildew because of my bath. My shower is basically a bath fitter, but they caulked like parts of it. And so
Cleaning Tips with Andrea
00:02:00
Speaker
like the mildew builds up in the caulk. Yeah.
00:02:02
Speaker
and like I've been trying to get rid of it. so i like Sometimes I do straight bleach. Remember a couple of weeks ago, I almost killed myself yeah trying to clean the bathroom. Yes. so I bought this solution. It's like bleach with something. It's a multi-purpose cleaner and it's like with bleach. I sprayed it and I was like, you know what? Let me get down on my hands and knees with a sponge and scrub. Yeah. you know That actually worked. Yes.
00:02:31
Speaker
I haven't tried. I realized. What have you been doing? ah Spraying there the bleach on there, and letting it sit for forever. Kind of scrubbing, using that. I bought a new like drill brush, so I've been using that. yeah And then my shower attachment has the back of it where it like sprays like a water hose, like a fire hydrant. like yeah And so I've just been spraying the hell out of it, but I couldn't get. You got to scrub.
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah, no, I realize that now. and You got to use the right scrubber. Yeah. It comes right off. Well, not right off. I guess I could scrub a little bit harder, but my back started hurting. you know I'm 44 years old, get down to my knees. Yeah, that's one of the hardest things. I got one of those electric scrubbers too, and that's been working wonders because I'm like, listen, I can't I'm old. My back, I think he getting down here and scrubbing out this tub. So I got the little electric scrubber. So, you know,
Health and Stress Discussion
00:03:27
Speaker
I'm black. So when I clean, I season my stuff. So its it's a combination of comment. Yes. Got to have a comment. Okay. So you fill the tub with comment and you put a little water in and make it a paste.
00:03:43
Speaker
I didn't know that you make it a paste. That's something new. You make it a paste. You got to make it a paste. And you scrub the paste. Oh, OK. I do know about scrubbing the paste. You let the comments sit before you add the water to make the paste, right? No. I immediately make the paste and let the paste sit. Oh, OK. And then I scrub the paste. Scrubbing the paste, OK. And I also add a little bit of Lysol, like the little tubbing tiles that I add that. And I got the foaming one.
00:04:13
Speaker
Okay. So I add that too to get the mildew and all that stuff because our water is hard down here too. And so, and I've got one of the, I got the jets in my tub, even though I've never, I really want to completely redo my bathroom and just do a shower because I don't take baths because to me it's like body soup is disgusting. Yeah, it's disgusting. Well, you know you got to take a shower first, then a bath, and then a shower again. I do, but it's still like you sitting in it. You're just sitting in body soup. It's disgusting. So I'd be scrubbing. So you got to season, paste,
Content Strategy Changes
00:04:53
Speaker
add a little bit of some extra, open the window. I haven't got no window.
00:04:59
Speaker
Oh no, okay, we'll leave the door open and the exhaust fan going. Yeah, yeah. So you don't pass out, but that's how I do it. I also realized you gotta vacuum the exhaust fan.
00:05:10
Speaker
Yes, it gets full of dust. Yeah. And you got to vacuum that out, yes. It's probably the reason why I'm sick. Ladies and gentlemen, if y'all can't tell by my voice, I'm sick. Well, sick is relative. I'm congested. You're not well. I'm not well. That means you're sick. I mean, sick is a spectrum, right? Right, yeah. You're not on your death bed. Not on the death bed. But you're not well. I had to miss my friend's holiday party yesterday because I wasn't Like, I didn't have enough energy to do it. I barely got enough energy to do this show. I'm gonna be real honest with y'all, ladies and gentlemen, I ain't gonna be talking but so much. But the reason why you don't have a whole lot of energy is because of these damn finals. It's finals. And I was stupid enough.
00:05:54
Speaker
to pull it out all nighter to finish a project. That I have not done such a thing since the first time I was in college. room you know It's about 20, 21. So when you're over 40, you can't pull no all nighters. You need your sleep. yeah ah You really, really do. And I was just pretty much surviving on my ADHD medication and coffee.
00:06:19
Speaker
And so our cousin comes over to pick up something and I'm tweaking. Okay. I have not slept in 36 hours. I'm surviving on coffee and ADHD medication and I'm an insane person and he's slightly worried because I'm going to make a presentation.
00:06:40
Speaker
And I'm tweaking. So it's like, how how is this going to go? I don't know. It actually went really well. My professor said our project was next level. So this is this is the project but that you delegated to your crew. And it was like, look, you're
Understanding Attachment Styles
00:06:58
Speaker
going to do this. I'm going to do this. And you just took control. Yes. Well, I do i do that every time. And our brother.
00:07:06
Speaker
put it perfectly, and this is how I choose to internalize it, that I'm not a control freak, I'm a project manager. Okay. So that's- Are project managers control freaks?
00:07:18
Speaker
Well, you got to be the manager whole project when they and all the people and all the moving parts. You have to, you know, be on top of your game. So that's, I usually take a leadership role and a project manager role. And that's how, well, we still got a paper to write. I still have another exam in a couple of days. So yeah. i'm ah
00:07:42
Speaker
ah i'm i'm I'm exhausted, but ah I did just take a ritalin, so I will be able to get through this show. Well, also I want to let the audience know that we're changing some things up a little bit. They're like, what the hell y'all doing on this time? All right, this is what we're doing.
00:07:58
Speaker
It dawned on me by some of you guys out there that you're either listening or watching a show, that you're not going to do both. And I get it. I don't listen and watch to the same podcast that's ridiculous. yeah So for those people who listen to the show, and by the way, thank you. First of all, thank you. Yes.
00:08:20
Speaker
we are gonna start doing YouTube exclusive videos. These are not stuff that's gonna be on the audio platform. These are not stuff that's gonna be on the Patreon. It's gonna be specific three and a half to five minute videos where we talk about various topics or expand upon the topics from the podcast. yeah So if you had to subscribe to the YouTube page, please go do it.
00:08:44
Speaker
Subscriptions are important to us. Please go watch these videos. We want to get to the point where we're monetized on YouTube. Because if we could start making money, we could start giving you more content. Yes, and better content. And you're taking it it's to the next level. Right. Better content is key. Yeah. Well, I think we do pretty good on content, clearer content. Because if you listen to our last show,
00:09:13
Speaker
Audio was a little jacked up, but we're not going to get into specifics of the reason why. It was me. I mean, listen, that's how it always is. You throw me under the bus. I did my best. I was on the road. I did not throw you under the bus. I said there was some audio issues, and we're not going to get into specifics. So I specifically did not throw you under the bus. But if it had been you, you would have been like, and that was because I did this, this, and this, and the third, my bad guys.
00:09:41
Speaker
But when you cite stuff like, and it's only the two of us, we're not gonna be the specifics about who was at fault. I didn't even say who was at fault. I didn't even. It was implied. There was an asterisk next
Family Dynamics Over Thanksgiving
00:09:55
Speaker
to what you said. You know what happens you assume. I make the correct assumption. That's what happens. That's what happens. Well, I tell you, my chest hurt, man. I feel like Neil Carter is sitting on my chest. I just need her to give me a break.
00:10:12
Speaker
yeah Of all people, Nell Carter. Cush, you need to give me a break. no Is Neil Carter still alive?
00:10:24
Speaker
oh That's a good question. Probably not. And also, probably people don't even get that reference of one, who Neil Carter is, and two, give me a break. They probably don't get either one of those references. I forget that I am strictly an 80s baby. That's true. He is not alive anymore, is she?
00:10:45
Speaker
ah No, she passed away in 2003. Oh, it's been plenty of time. Yeah, it's been time. Why was I about to say it's been 17 years because my mind is still stuck in 2020. I can't believe we're about to be in 2025. Right. Anyway, let's move on in our Dilly Daddling segment into the to the great Monopoly game. OK. I am surprised you want to talk about this. No, first of all, it's a lot more fun than I thought.
00:11:16
Speaker
Playing by the actual rules? Playing by the actual rules. I also was right that it's a lot longer than the 15 minutes you said it was going to be. I said we could play the quick rules, but you wanted, you said- What if it was between the rules that we played and the quick rules? The quick rules is just whoever is bankrupt first, that's the end of the game. What if who wins? The person who has the most money and property.
00:11:40
Speaker
No, that's whack. No, it needs to be one shell survive. Okay. so that's Well, actually, we didn't even get to the point where one shell survive. No. The name basically ended when the first person was bankrupt, and the first person that was bankrupt was me. So we ended up...
00:11:59
Speaker
Kind of flambered, quick rules anyway. But it went quick. Because y'all were like, OK, well, I'm done with this. Because it was like, my goddaughter, our cousin, was winning. Nobody was going to catch her. And who would have thought? I won.
00:12:14
Speaker
No, no, you did not. She had the most money. No, when we added up all the money and property and houses and all the stuff, I had won by like $200. Oh, OK. Well, you won. I must have been gone by that point. Yeah, you walked away. Nail Carter was extra heavy sitting on my chest, and I was under the influence. So it was probably not a good idea to take medication or medicine. It was just some tussing. It was just some tussing. It was just some tussing.
00:12:42
Speaker
and alcohol, but it was a good time. yeah It was a great time. I had a great time. It, you know. I've been playing online. I've been playing Monopoly online pretty regularly. And i I just remember we we used to play board games and stuff as kids. I was like, let's relive but this. And then I remember why we stopped. Because the three of us are very competitive. Turns out your goddaughter is also quite competitive. Well, I mean, she is a little version of me.
Influence of Upbringing on Attachment Styles
00:13:17
Speaker
Yes.
00:13:18
Speaker
and and It got real. Like, feelings got hurt, I feel like. Yeah, you were saying, you were saying, hey, guys, we won't have to play no more. And I was like, no, we're going to keep on going. Somebody got to win and survive. But I was like, if I land on somebody's property, one more get. I had mortgage on all my property. I had no more property left. I had thought I was killing it. I was like, I got all this property. I'm about to put some houses on, but I didn't have enough money to put no houses on because I had $15 left. Yes.
00:13:49
Speaker
but You had so many color sets, and you just couldn't do nothing with it. There wasn't nobody landing on them, and if they weren't landing on them, I was like, give them my $20. That $20 would give the air to nothing. But while I was secretly or covertly adding houses.
00:14:08
Speaker
and hotels to my little corner, I had the, I had the Boerwalt Park Place, Mediterranean, Baltic, if anybody knows, that's the corner right around Go. So as soon as people get up in there, you go and land on one of the properties. You go and land, even if you pass Go and you collect the $200, all of that is going to whatever you landed on. Right. And that's what broke me. I landed on your property and I was like, I ain't got it.
00:14:33
Speaker
ahs I done mortgage everything. I ain't got it. Yeah. And that was the game. You know, our other brother was like, oh, this stopped being fun an hour ago. I said, we don't have to continue, guys. We can let this go. Why? Why did he say stop being fun? Because we got it got real. I feel like it got real. Well, because I got my god daughter, our cousin was talking mad trash.
00:15:02
Speaker
Yes. because She was doing really well. because she chris ah Most people would like, let me get all the property, property. Nobody wants to get the utilities. She had learned, hey, if you get all four of the utilities, that if you land on any one of them, it pays out more than even the full color set of yeah Properties. It makes sense. That's $200 every time somebody lands on it. and Then if you get the utilities, that's 10 times what's on the dice. I was like, I can't roll. Well, I got to roll a 12 right now. I've been rolling snake eyes all game. Why do I got to roll this 12 right now? This is some bull. When you let enough property use, like I think.
00:15:52
Speaker
ah Hey, look, I was real with you. I was like, hey, look. I'm being honest. I got it. I came mortgaging the whole property. Even the property that I have that I don't but i didn't mortgage, I was like, it ain't enough to cover it. And you didn't cut the rules out. I came ball from the bank. So I was like, I guess I lost. This is it. This is it. And unfortunately, if you don't have enough to cover that rent, I get all your property and all your money.
00:16:20
Speaker
Oh, that's what it was. why had you just That's how you become the tycoon. Oh, okay. Well, look, all my property was mortgage, so you would have had to pay that off, except for a couple different properties. And all I had left literally in cash was $15.
00:16:33
Speaker
yeah I had 15. I said, no, how did I lose out on $15? How did I get down to just 15? This is some bull. You can't buy property, see? Like, I would pick and choose what I would buy. Sometimes I would auction stuff off. Yeah? Because it's like, hey, I don't really want to spend $280 for Marvin Gardens.
00:16:57
Speaker
I didn't look, but I needed it. I got it. I needed it because I had the other two. That's true. So I needed the Marvin Garvin's. That's true. And our brother was being a complete jerk in the auctions and kept raising the price. I think I paid like full something. And I was like, you don't even want this property. What you doing right now? I know you're doing it to bankrupt me, jerk.
00:17:19
Speaker
Yes, that's also a strategy. Yeah, i know it was a good strategy because it worked because I was the first one to go bankrupt. Yeah. how else what how How was the rest of your Thanksgiving trip? It was great. I had a great trip. Did I get any of my school work done? No. Well, no, I did my own work, but that was about it. But but as far as like being able to see cousins I hadn't seen in years and and just hang out with everybody as adults, like everybody you know, these are all of our little babies, and now they're just grown humans. And it's crazy getting to know them. I know a lot of people that are in their auntie and uncle era, you know, probably feel the same
Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships
00:18:02
Speaker
as I do. It's like you watch these people grow up, and now they're out living their own lives and functioning, and you're just like, you don't need, you don't need no help, you don't need you need nothing? You grown? And
00:18:15
Speaker
Wow, this is incredible. I love this. like I love meeting you as an adult. So yeah, it was a good it was a good trip. Yeah, it was a really good trip. for And we're going to get into more details about the trip on our Patreon page and our After Hours Unsensored because we got some stories to tell that we are not going to tell on the main show because it involves family. but yeah But on that note,
00:18:43
Speaker
Talking about family. yeah We hung out with our parents this Thanksgiving. I fell in love with my parents again. I'll get into more detail on our YouTube exclusive. yeah or If y'all don't ah realize I'm plugging the hell out of Patreon and miss in our YouTube page, so help us out. But um speaking of our parents, yeah what is it that we learn our attachment styles from?
00:19:09
Speaker
That's a good question. I don't know that. I just know that I have one. And actually, it's from our parents. And we're going to get into attachment styles next.
00:19:26
Speaker
OK, Jay, attachment styles. What are they? Attachment styles are patterns of bonding that people develop in early childhood based on their interactions with their primary caregivers. It could be your parents or your grandparents, whoever is your primary caregiver, foster parents, what have you. yes These styles can significantly influence how we relate to others in adulthood. There are four main attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
00:19:57
Speaker
I never heard of disorganized, so that's that's interesting. Basically, all I ever heard of was anxious and avoidant. I didn't even know people could have secure attachment. Yeah, there are you know what's crazy? There are human beings with secure attachment styles who don't suffer from anxiety, who are like actually neurotypical, like their brain works correctly. Are they aliens? No, they're real human beings.
00:20:25
Speaker
So I believe I might be a Scientologist because I believe the aliens came and took all the bad souls and threw them in a volcano and the bad souls that entered in our bodies, creating anxiety and depression and all that stuff. Because because that's what Scientology, that's what they say. I don't know. That's why they wanted a volcano.
00:20:43
Speaker
Yeah, they that's what they said. That's what they said. I've never read up on it, so I gotta be honest. I don't know. It's something. And people have secure attachment. Okay. They're actual functioning humans. Okay, so let's break down the four attachment styles. So secure attachment. People with this style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. They trust their partners and feel confident in their relationships.
00:21:09
Speaker
Anxious to attachment. Individuals with this style often worry about being abandoned and may feel insecure about their partner's love. They might be clinging or overly dependent. Of which, what?
00:21:25
Speaker
I got a frog in my throat. Hold on. I might be getting some congestion. We're going to get into ours. But how the hold on. They might be clinging.
00:21:39
Speaker
or overly dependent. so yeah Oh, dependent, not independent. No, overly dependent. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, bear with me here, because once again, you know, I'm feeling a little under the weather. So sometimes, I ain't firing at all cylinders. Okay. Right.
00:21:56
Speaker
Avoid an attachment. Those with this style tend to distance themselves emotionally from their partners. They may have difficulty with intimacy and prefer to remain independent. And then there's disorganized attachment. This style is characterized by a mix of behaviors, often resulting from trauma of inconsistent caregiving. People with this style may have trouble forming stable relationships.
00:22:20
Speaker
You know what? that That makes sense to me, especially the part about inconsistent caregiving. We have a lot of people that grow up in the in the foster care system. And this yeah and you know sometimes you get lucky and and you get a great foster family and they ah adopt you and that's great. And then sometimes you don't get so lucky and you bounce around a lot and you'll have inconsistent styles of caregiving because you're, you're experiencing life in multiple homes. So that actually makes a lot of sense.
Bruce's Relationship Patterns
00:22:55
Speaker
Um, yeah, also, you could just have parents that just all over the place.
00:23:02
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, there are a lot of people with parents who ... I have friends of mine who've got parents who suffer from bipolar disorder and refuse to take their medication. yeahmo there That can result in inconsistent caregiving. so ah There are a lot of scenarios where somebody can end up disorganized attachment.
00:23:22
Speaker
Well, when they say inconsistent caregiving, they're not talking about purely the physical aspect of it, right? Of them being there or not being there. Isn't there an emotional aspect that also could be? Yeah. Because now as I read through these, now we're going to get personal. Now as I read through these, um,
00:23:44
Speaker
I'm not throwing my parents under ah under the bus. My parents are too- Just speaking generalities. Well, no, no, because I'm gonna talk about me, because obviously that's gonna draw a parallel between my parents and my parents were kids when they had me. They were still growing up on their own. My parents actually did a fan fantastic job yes raising us. And you brought a point to this when we were having Thanksgiving around ah dad, and you referenced mom and dad a lot in the show. I was like, I do.
00:24:13
Speaker
because I don't recognize that I reference them a lot. What I'm doing, what I'm referencing them is is saying how, I hope it comes off as how incredible people they actually are to have the circumstances of which I was brought into this world with them barely knowing each other, them being college kids. And I could say that they were kids because now I'm twice the age that they were. And I'm like, wow, they were really kids. And to raise three children who are doing pretty well, yeah you know, oh do we have our issues? Hell yeah, but then everybody has their issues. yes I don't, as I span the world, span the world, and really get to know people from all different walks of life.
00:25:00
Speaker
We're well more well-adjusted than a lot of people that I come across. Yeah. I mean, we got our conscience it's all a spectrum, right? Like, we you're going to fall somewhere on this spectrum. Like, let's say, specifically, we're talking about attachment. Even if, you know, say, for instance, someone, one of the two of us, would say, avoid an attachment. Not going to say, ooh, but just saying, for instance. You know, it's still a spectrum, right, of like,
00:25:31
Speaker
how much a person distanced themselves or how much difficulty they have with intimacy, how much they ah you know prioritize independence. like It's still ah still going to run on the spectrum.
00:25:46
Speaker
Right, and all this is not, when we say primary caregivers, there's it yes, there's a direct correlation between that, but also there's stuff that don't have to deal with the caregivers because disorganized attachment deals with also trauma. You know, there is trauma that people experience that has nothing to do with your primary caregivers that leads to certain attachment styles. I know for a fact that I might have disorganized attachment right now.
00:26:16
Speaker
But throughout my life, definitely had anxious attachment. yeah Because I have always, and I say this, and I've said it on this podcast before, if I had, and there's been numerous times, two women, I'm talking about romantic relationships, but I'm not a good friend either. But if we talk about romantic relationships, I always have the choice of two women at the same time. It always comes down to that.
00:26:45
Speaker
yeah I always choose the wrong woman. oh Always. Always. And it's due to the fact that I have anxious attachment. One really, really likes me and is shilling it. The other one, not shilling it as much. So I gravitate towards the person that's avoided. yeah That's being distant. Why? Because I need them to come here. Yes.
00:27:11
Speaker
Bring your ass over here with me. Be right here next to me. Now, the reason why I said I'm disorganized the attachment now is because now I'm avoided. Yeah. Because I recognize that I was anxious. So now I don't even... I'm so independent.
00:27:30
Speaker
that people are like, yo, you know, don't you need me for something? Don't you want to talk to me? I don't really need you for nothing. You're here because whatever. You're going to either work this out or not work this out. So I think that there are, that you can become all of them because eventually people have anxious and avoidant and they do become secure. It comes with therapy, but they do become secure. Yeah. I mean, I think secure attachment has a lot to do with you.
00:27:59
Speaker
Yes. You feeling comfortable with intimacy and you feeling confident, but it also has to do with the person that you choose as well. like is that like Have you finally chosen someone trustworthy or somebody that makes you feel confident in your relationship? so I think it's a two-way street.
00:28:18
Speaker
to get to secure attachment. I don't think you can get to that on your own. I think it also involves the partner that you choose. The partner that you choose are also the way that you were raised. Yeah. I have a friend, I'm not gonna point them out there, but I have a friend who I know was raised in a household, a two-parent household where That person knew that the parents loved each other. they The parents expressed love to it to one another. The parents expressed love to the kid. The kid didn't have anxious or avoidant. They were very secure in their attachment styles.
00:29:00
Speaker
And they married a person who was very secure in their attachment styles. yeah And I was like, wow, you're like the only person that I know that's had a marriage that's lasted for so long, over 20 years now, for so long, and y'all were still like in it and love each other. And I was like, oh, wow, y'all both had parent groups that had that,
00:29:26
Speaker
you So know it can't, once again, nurture the environment. All that stuff plays a part in who we develop as people. Yeah. But also, I wish I stopped choosing the wrong women. I got better at it, I think.
Andrea's Independence and Relationships
00:29:42
Speaker
No, I haven't. Because the last one I chose was wrong as hell. Well, as an avoidant attachment ah person, I don't tend to choose anyone. And that's the problem.
00:29:54
Speaker
so um But i just I think I grew up feeling like independence was very important to me, oh and and I just became very fiercely protective of my independence.
00:30:12
Speaker
ah to the point where you know I did have problems with authority because I didn't like people telling me what to do. ah you know up ah I still kind of don't like when people tell me what to do, but I understand that that's part of life now. is like you know Yeah, you got a boss. and you That person's gonna tell you what to do. Right. ah You got no choice in the matter. Yeah, I don't think mine is necessarily... Well, nope, that's not true. Because I am distant emotionally, so... Yeah, no. I mean, that pretty much summarizes... All right. So, yeah so i think I think, and I don't know this to be the case, but I think each relationship might have different attachment styles.
00:30:59
Speaker
not consistent across my relationship no no because our relationship the relationship that siblings have the relationship you have with your two brothers is not avoided Oh, yeah.
Attachment Styles in Friendships
00:31:12
Speaker
That's that's correct. So you know when we talk about these attachment styles, for me specifically, I'm talking about romantic. Yes. I i don't know i i think with other people, with other relationships, I have avoided. I would say that I'm avoided in a lot of my friendships.
00:31:32
Speaker
ships Yeah, so I would say if we're talking about friendships and familial relationships, I'm actually pretty secure in my attachment, definitely to my friends, because those are people that I've chosen to be in my life and who've chosen me back. like that's a That's a transaction that you can't really overlook, is that the fact that we've we both chose each other. Well, romantic relationships are the exact same. You chose each other.
00:32:02
Speaker
Not mine, not mine. Like I said, I I never choose anybody because I'm avoidant. Well, well, there you go. So I am typically chosen. in yeah And so and then if I'm bored, I'll say, yeah, all right, fine. You know, but it's never. Yeah, I mean, because I I don't connect romantically emotionally with people and we're in a romantic situation. Because to me, that's a different kind of intimacy, like a different level of vulnerability that I'm not comfortable with. I would say that there's more trust involved with the romantic core relationship. But speaking of romantic relationships, let's let's talk a little bit about how these different attachment styles are affected in romantic relationships since we want to keep putting our business out there in these streets anyway. Right.
00:32:58
Speaker
All right, people often seek partners with similar attachment styles because it feels familiar and comfortable. For instance, someone with anxious attachment may be drawn to another anxious partner because they understand each other's need for reassurance. However, this could sometimes lead to reinforcing unhealthy patterns. I mean, it's obvious, right? Yeah, for sure.
00:33:20
Speaker
What happens when let's say an anxious, an anxious attachment and then avoid it attachment an individual entering a romantic relationship, it can create a challenging dynamic known as the anxious avoidant trap. So the reason why we're discussing this is because you sent me a video of two people on a first date in their inner selves talking. Yeah.
00:33:44
Speaker
out loud about ah their attachment styles and what's gonna happen in the relationship, and it was an anxious and avoidant. And I was like, ooh, been there so many times in my life. Yeah, yes. So let's take a deeper look at how these two anxious and avoidant attachment styles interact. So the dynamics is there's an initial attraction. At first, the anxious partner may be drawn to the avoidant partner's independence, while the avoiding partner may appreciate the tension and affections from the anxious partner.
00:34:14
Speaker
Then there's the push and pull cycle. Over time, the differences in attachment needs create a push-pull dynamic. The asian the anxious partner seeks closeness and reassurance while the avoidant partner seeks space and independence. And then there comes the conflict. The anxious partner needs for more connection can feel overwhelming to the avoiding partner.
00:34:37
Speaker
who may withdraw further from the relationship. This withdrawal triggers more anxiety and cleanliness in the anxious partner and the anxious partner, creating a cycle of conflict and frustration. Let me tell you something. This is my life. This is my life. I am drawn to strong, independent women. yeah Why? Because every woman that's important in my life is a strong, independent woman. Both of my grandmothers, my mother, you, my sister, people that I look up to, even though you're my younger sister.
00:35:15
Speaker
you know I have no problem admitting that I look up to my brother and sister ah because they're just accomplished people. I'm amazed by them every single day. It's okay to be an older sibling and admire and look up to your younger siblings. There's no rule that says that the younger siblings have to look up to their older sibling and their older sibling can just always be like, yeah, that's right. I'm the older sibling. Right. I'm on this pedestal. Absolutely not. No. i look up Both of my younger siblings are very accomplished. And my sister will tell you that there have been many a times that I said to many girlfriends, hey, it's all cool that, you know, my mom and dad like you, but you got to get stamp of approval from my sister. He hates it. Which I do hate it because I am not that, again, I'm avoided. I am not that invested in anything. So. But you are, you are invested in my happiness. Yes. Okay. Yes. Of course. But, and, and now the relationship that we have now, you know, if I come to you and be like, that's it. Yeah. Like, hopefully you're listening or at least, you know, take it in. I'll take it in. But most of the time when people tell me, hey, don't do this, I'll be like,
00:36:27
Speaker
I'm about to show you, so. Right, but but i'm not right I'm not doing it for like some tit-for-tat reason. Like, um um I'm telling you to say what you want. I'm telling you this for your sake. It has nothing to do with me. But you know how I like to defy the odds anyway. Anyway, this is literally, I did not realize these attachment styles. I had a friend.
00:36:55
Speaker
that I had known for over 20 years. She had literally seen me grow up. She knew me when I was 23. We stopped being friends were like when I was 39. So she knew me for 16 years. she She's not my friend anymore. But the reason why she isn't my friend, I get it. It's because I used to go to her all the time with all of my anxious energy. And she was just like, I can't deal with it anymore. You need to go to a therapist. I actually took her advice. I realized that you can't lean on people because people lean on me sometimes. And I'd be like,
00:37:25
Speaker
I don't have capacity for this yet. I don't have capacity. But I realize when she explained Aisha's attachment style, I was like, oh, yeah, these strong independent women that I'm drawn to because I'm looking for a partner, somebody who is equal or better. I'm not looking for somebody to be subservient to me. That's not what I want. I want what I've seen in my life, these strong independent women that will go out there and get it. What tends to happen is these strong independent women.
00:37:59
Speaker
tend to be, or at least the ones that I deal with, so this so the sample size is small, avoid an attachment. yeah And I'd be like, come here, baby. Because I'm real loving and affectionate, especially when I've been drinking. That's who I am. And I'm drinking a lot, yeah most of the time. So I'm like, come on over here. And they're like, you know what? You're smothering me. And I'm like, OK, well, I won't smother you no more by going away. And then they're like,
00:38:26
Speaker
Okay. And I'm like, well, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. If that was supposed to get you to come back, what you doing? Come over here. Right. Yeah. They don't have an anxious attachment though. yeah I finally broke the cycle about four years ago when I learned about these, these, uh, attachment styles. Uh, but yeah, no, these things are real. And yes, do people go to anxious attachment?
00:38:48
Speaker
An anxious attachment, do they try to match energies? Yeah, but that's not good either. If you're anxious, insecure, or disorganized. If you're secure, go for it. Yeah. But a lot of people out here think they're secure and they're not.
00:39:02
Speaker
and And then I'm the opposite. i and I don't ever choose an anxious attachment partner. Typically our partners are avoided because I am like, hey, we can be together, but we don't always have to be together. And that's great that we both agree on that. that hey You can go over there and I can go over here and we know high level 30,000 feet were together. Right.
00:39:29
Speaker
But I don't have to live that reality every day. What happens? You know, time and space, right? If both of y'all exhibit each other time and space, then you get used to having that time and space and realize you don't want you don't need the other person. And then, you know, the relationship fades to black. So that's typically what happens with me. And and as an avoidant person, I'm usually fine with that. so Well, yeah um I'm going to touch upon one of the words that you just said. And I think that is an issue in general, not just with you. And I'm not attacking you. I'm talking, I think a lot of people deal with this in general. You said need. Yeah. First of all, we shouldn't need anyone. Right.
00:40:22
Speaker
that's the That's the first problem in a relationship if you say, need I need them. You don't already failed. I want them, I think is better. I want to have this person in my life. I want this person in my space. I want to hear from this person. That's different than saying, I need this person in my life. I need this person in my space. I need to hear from this person.
00:40:51
Speaker
But I think with an avoidant attachment style, you don't even get to want, because if the person doesn't feel still a need, then you already check out. like You've already checked out of it. so is Yeah, like ah my relationships have to have some utility.
00:41:17
Speaker
You know, i am and that's just my romantic relationships because I don't have that same requirement from my family or my friends. So I'm the opposite. I don't require that from my family. I don't require anything from my family. Yeah. From friendship though, it has to be about something. Yeah. and Or it's not a friendship to me.
Therapy for Attachment Issues
00:41:40
Speaker
There are a lot of people out there. And I know I need to stop saying this, because they be hitting me up to them. You say a lot. I say a lot. I already know. I even, at this moment, know exactly what you're going to say. Yeah, I know. Because people be watching and listening to the show, and they're like, so am I your friend? Stop asking. Stop asking me. Right. Because I might give you the real answer.
00:42:06
Speaker
It might not be the answer that you want to hear. Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to. If I interact with you, we cool. We cool. Just leave it at that. yeah But my friendships, it has to be has be based in something. Has to be. Well, yeah, I mean, I have to get i can't just be out of it friends with a with just some rando. Like, we have to have some commonality. but i don't like I will say all of my friends are people that I admire in some way. like They have some quality that I don't have that I'm just like, I find that very cool and I'm drawn to that. um So i will I will say that I don't have anybody in my life that I don't see something inspiring from. um But as far as like,
00:43:01
Speaker
just requiring anything of them. i don't I don't require anything from my friends or my family. ah like i just I don't put that kind of, but I feel like your romantic partner needs to be and has to be different from the other people in your life. That relationship has to be different. Yeah, because ultimately,
00:43:25
Speaker
your and Your romantic partner should supersede everything because your romantic partner is the person that you're choosing, hopefully. Yeah. to be your partner in life. In life, yeah. So that's the most important relationship. It supersedes every other relationship that you should have in your life. Not you're running a meal. I done met this person. Right. We've been kicking it for three months. I'm going to put them above everybody else. No, I'm talking about when you've put in the tie. Yeah. You've been with this partner for a minute. Yeah. Black black measurement of time for a minute. Right.
00:44:06
Speaker
and y'all make a commitment that this is a forever thing, whether it be legally by getting marriage or just forever partners. One of my closest friends has a partnership. there They've both been married before. They're not getting married, but they are together for forever. They are forever partners. That relationship supersedes any friendship that I have with him.
00:44:28
Speaker
And we've been friends for over 25 years. yeah That's the most important friendship. I mean, the most important relationship. So yes, but not your run of the mail. Look, some people out here, every time they get into a relationship, they'd be in a relationship about three minutes. right Like, it this person is everything to me. Stop it. Stop it. Knock it off. But I think when I think about it that way, that's the part that becomes uncomfortable for me.
00:44:57
Speaker
Yeah, that's a commitment. Yeah. Yeah. The idea of commitment, the idea of that level of intimacy and trust and the amount of communication, like real deep communication that you have to have with somebody, that that that's a lot. Yeah. That's a lot. Whereas with my friends and my family, you know,
00:45:20
Speaker
It could be a month if we haven't spoken. I pick up the phone. We talk like not like no time has passed. Like five hours. Yeah. Keep it pushing. And it's like it doesn't require as much from you as like a romantic relationship requires. Yeah, that's true. So that's the part where it's like, no, thank you.
00:45:44
Speaker
All right, so how are some ways that we can address if you're anxious, avoid it, or disorganize attachment styles, how can you address it? What self awareness, like if you're dealing with a romantic relationship, both partners need to understand their attachment styles. So that's the reason why we're giving you this information, and how they affect the relationship, right?
00:46:08
Speaker
Open communication, honest and open communication about needs and feeling is essential. Both partners should express their concerns and listen to each other without judgment. This is key, without judgment. If it's judgment, then it's faulty in the first place that you need to move on.
00:46:26
Speaker
right ah You got to set boundaries. And life in general is always good setting boundaries. But also important, you need to establish clear boundaries that can help balance the need for closeness and space because you need both. Yeah. Right? Therapy. Let me repeat that again. Therapy.
00:46:47
Speaker
therapy y'll Couple's therapy can provide tools and strategies for managing and and the challenges of an anxious and avoided dynamic, or anxious and disorganized, or avoided and a disorganized, or secure in all three of them. yeah Go to couple's therapy, but also, if you know that you have these attachment styles, and in your romantic relationship, in your friend relationships, in your family relationships, you're having issues, yeah um therapy helps. Yeah.
00:47:16
Speaker
Therapy helps. I feel like, listen, the same way you go to get your physical every year, the same way you go to the eye doctor, the same way you go to ah the dentist, therapy should also just be a part of your healthcare regimen. And I think therapy for couples and for families should just be a part of life.
00:47:42
Speaker
Like, it just you shouldn't wait until the problems have gotten to that into a point where everybody wants to walk away. Like, it you should have been talking about these things all along. And so i I'm a huge proponent of therapy should just be a part of your deal. Unless you're one of those neurotypical, secure, attached you know people who are just like, I'm fine. You know, great, I'm happy for you. ah You're a rare specimen.
00:48:10
Speaker
but For everybody else, you know, ah I feel like therapy should just be a part of life, especially for couples and in speaking
Gender Communication Differences
00:48:20
Speaker
in romantic relationships But I think this is a broader you needed to everybody needs to take this broader in all relationships and patience and compassion. Yeah both partners and in a romantic relationship, but individuals in every relationship should practice patience and compassion towards themselves and others. It takes time to change attachment patterns and building a more secure relationship, not only with people, also with yourself. You know, a lot of times, you know, we didn't really talk about this, but attachment styles could also be to yourself.
00:49:00
Speaker
yeah right, your your attachment to yourself, how you speak to yourself, how you interact with yourself, how you view yourself. All of this affects you on the inside. So once again, as what you said earlier, therapy, therapy helps. It helps. It really does. It's so important. ah Make it part of your life.
00:49:23
Speaker
um Jay? Yeah. There was also something else that you brought up. Yeah. And it was Issa Rae, right? he said ah isa were On a podcast talking about how men and women communicate. And we're gonna get into that next.
00:49:46
Speaker
Jay, I wanna ask you a question. yeah Why are women like Sherlock Holmes grilling you with magnifying glass while men are like, what's up?
00:50:00
Speaker
Is it a communication-style thing? A societal expectation? Or is there something deeper going on? I think it's the combination of all three. It is. So the reason why I'm asking this question is because you sent me a video of Issa Rae. Issa. I'm never going to get the name right. I didn't watch Insecure. I'm never going to watch Insecure, OK? It's a great show. Yeah, no, I don't think so. I think that show would just give me mounds of anxiety. If you can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, you can watch Insecure.
00:50:27
Speaker
And I stopped watching Kirby enthusiasm because it gives me mounds of anxiety. Look, if I watch TV, it's to get away from my anxiety. That's the reason why I watch these superhero shows. It takes me away from anxiety. No, I get it. So I'm like, if it's going to make me anxious, I'm not watching it. Like, why am I sitting here in my palm sweating, my spaghetti, all that stuff while I watch the TV? It's supposed to be relaxing. But the topic was, when on this video was,
00:50:53
Speaker
these two women were talking to each other. And the ah example that they gave is that one of their, like their boyfriends or their husbands or whatever said, yeah, my friend's getting a divorce.
00:51:06
Speaker
And the woman said, like, what's going on? You know, with is did she find somebody else? Did he cheat? Did she cheat? do Did they fall out of love? What's going on? And the man was like, I don't know. I didn't ask all these questions. And as a man, I can't identify with this because I'm naturally messy. Right. So I like to dig in deep what happened. But by and large, men don't really ask detailed questions. Right, right. But women do. Yes.
00:51:35
Speaker
And you were like, I want to talk about this. So I'm going to back up, let you go. Yeah. I mean, I think what you said is exactly right. Like, I noticed that conversations between men are not detailed. Like, what is the point of a conversation if not to dive deeper into something that somebody is saying. like When women talk about things do we with each other, we go into detail, we ask follow-up questions. like It's a conversation. And I feel like, do men care? like What is the what is
00:52:19
Speaker
holding you all back from having sometimes having those deeper conversations or asking those follow-up questions. Because I know a lot of communication in you know in heterosexual relationships, right? As women talking, with you don't yeah oh you don't you don't talk enough.
00:52:35
Speaker
ed and And they're both confused about why the other person doesn't communicate in the same style in which they communicate. Again, I feel like it goes back to attachment styles and and more broadly, like people's communication styles. But I do notice that there's a difference between male and female, like just friendships.
00:53:00
Speaker
And I just wanted to see what your thoughts were on that. I can tell you exactly what it is. Dr. Weiss, I interviewed last year, or no, it was this year. It was this year. Talked about the how men are raised.
00:53:17
Speaker
isn't and how we are taught to suppress our emotions because expressing or showing emotions is not the manly thing to do. So as we suppress this these emotions that society has told us that you can't express because that's a sign of weakness. Right.
00:53:39
Speaker
We don't ask detailed questions because why do we want to get that detailed? That would be showing an emotional side to us that society has told us is a sign of weakness. So you can't show that you care?
00:53:56
Speaker
about what your friend has gone through. And I'm saying this is wrong. I'm saying this is wrong. and And we need to get past this, but no. Okay, so I know women relationships ah with other women because I have several really close female friendships, right? right My best friend is a female.
00:54:17
Speaker
I know that the relationships that they have with other females are not like the relationships that males have with males. Males are mean to each other. That's like a rite of passage. We joke on each other. We hit each other. There's nothing pleasant about about our relationships with each other. we don't I have two other really close best friends that are like my brothers. We've been together for over 25 years. Yeah.
00:54:46
Speaker
One of us still, if we say, hey, guys, love you, the other one will say, hey, love you. One of them will will not answer. Yeah. Right? Won't say anything. And then the two people will attack that other person and be like, yo, tell us. Yeah. Tell us you love us. Man, why are you always talking about this type of stuff? Man, you're like a bunch of women. Why? Because society has said, man, don't tell each other that we love each other. Fathers and sons.
00:55:16
Speaker
since the beginning of the time have been told not to say I love you. Vince McMahon in his documentary yeah only heard his dad tell him that he loved him. On his death day. yeah And he said that was the greatest day of his life. um This was a 60, though at the time, 50-year-old man, even going through his entire life not being told by his father that I love you.
00:55:41
Speaker
Yeah. And then cut to me, I just had this, I hadn't spoken with a friend in a while. And so I text her and I said, hey friend, I'm checking in on you. And she replies, hey friend, and a thumbs up emoji.
00:55:58
Speaker
I am me, I call, I'm seething because by the time I see it, it's too late to call. i'm like I'm calling tomorrow because what you mean thumbs up emoji? That's not what I asked for. I'm checking in on you. I expect a dissertation on what's happened since the last time we spoke and I call her up and I'm like,
00:56:20
Speaker
we're going to fight because don't you ever send me no thumbs up emoji to a checking in text. I'm checking in on you. And then we proceed to talk for about two hours. And then by the end of that conversation, I said, this is what I expect. Now it can be a voice note form. You could send me a long text or you could call. But it's when I say I'm checking in, I want a detailed report.
00:56:44
Speaker
of what I've missed, and I'm going to ask various follow-up questions to get deep into this. Because I'm checking on you, friend. Like, I'm checking on you. I'm not just, hey, how you doing? No, I'm um'm checking in. And so I ah expect a checking in response. Like, you would expect if you were checking in on me. If something told you, I feel like I need to check in on my friend. Like, you would expect.
00:57:13
Speaker
Not a detailed response. Not a thumbs up. Whoo with the thumbs up. Yeah, that's fighting terms. Yeah. But there's a vulnerability that's associated with that. Yeah. So what women often get frustrated with men is, with men. and and And I've had this in my own relationships because I'm not really the type of person to tell you what's really going on. right Not what's really going on. I'll give you surface stuff. yeah I'll give you stuff that I'm agitated by or I'm annoyed by, but not stuff that's really
00:57:46
Speaker
bothering me. I tend to keep that close to the vest. My therapist finds out that air information. soon That's what I paid them for. I ain't got to i think that's put out all much right oh my business out there in the streets. right But women have an issue because men, how we are in our interactions with each other, not showing vulnerability translate into us not showing on vulnerability with our partner.
00:58:13
Speaker
in a heterosexual relationship. So I'm talking about relationships between men and women. So when women, if you had a male friend that you had sent that text to, he probably would have gave you a thumbs up. Yeah. And you would have been like, all right, that's about right. You probably might not have pressed, but because it was a woman, you pressed because, wait a minute, that's not the type of communication. I'm used to. I'm used to. Yeah. And women in relationships,
00:58:42
Speaker
And that's what this video was about, was this like this translation of not finding out about your male friend who is going through something directly correlates to our relationship. Yeah. Because you're asking me, but you don't really want to know details. Hey, boo, what's going on? You don't really want to know details. You know that you need to ask. Right.
00:59:07
Speaker
But you're not asking follow-up questions because you just know that you need to ask. Yeah. you You really like, a man is really like, just deal with that like I do. But really, it's the most unhealthy thing in the entire world to suppress everything and not deal with it. So women ask these questions, why are men like that? Because men from birth have not been given the space to be vulnerable.
00:59:32
Speaker
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the patriarchy. It is it works against everyone. yeah It works against everyone's best interests. It keeps everyone from being their authentic self and living in their truth. I hate that term, but this it it is what it is. I also hate that term. A lot of words you thought out there that you hate.
00:59:56
Speaker
I know, but sometimes they're apt, so there's nothing I can do about that. ah just I just think that it's is is keep it's creating space between you and yourself, right? Because nobody is doing that that deep dive internal work on themselves. If you're not asking other people or questions, you're probably not asking yourself the questions either yeah um to be introspective.
01:00:22
Speaker
and it's affecting the way you relate to other people. And heart the big part of the human experience is our relationships with other people.
01:00:35
Speaker
And if something is keeping you from developing real and authentic relationships with other people. And I'm not saying that women have real and authentic relationships. um so ah Actually, it's the opposite. A lot of women have very fake and superficial relationships because there's this thing out there where women will only be friends with people who are on their same level of attractiveness or something like that. And it's just like, oh, that's not a great way to establish a friendship.
01:01:04
Speaker
i think I think that's one of the realest things ever because I think whether you're conscious of it or subconscious of it, it's a real thing. Yeah, but I don't think you can, can you really develop a real relationship? Do you have like one ugly friend? Do I have an ugly friend? No, I don't think any of my friends are ugly. Right. I don't have not one ugly friend.
01:01:33
Speaker
So I think people tend to grab groups like it's high school, right? Like yeah even in adulthood, we tend to gravitate towards people that are kind of similar and it could be in ideology of life, personality, or attractiveness level.
01:01:53
Speaker
Whether you are conscious is, that someone I think that's some of the realest thing ever. People that are consciousness conscious of it, yeah they're just out there saying, it is what it is. I don't know any false question, but they're like, I only got good looking friends. You have to stretch out for only good looking friends. That's a little different, but I think that subconsciously, we're doing it anyway. I don't, you know, I don't know. I don't know that I really,
01:02:21
Speaker
think of I think that it's hard to consider someone a friend that you think is ugly.
Importance of Vulnerability
01:02:29
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? like i I don't think... i But what I'm talking about is this baddie culture, and it's like, okay, other people see this person as a baddie, so this is this is the person that I'll be friends with because you're here. Is that strictly about learning a thing?
01:02:49
Speaker
I don't think so. I think this is a thing thing. And like and then and then you see women going on these trips together and their friendships falling apart. And they be like, we've been friends for 10 years. No, you haven't. Y'all been hanging out for 10 years, but that's a whole other conversation. Yeah, that's a whole other conversation. I do want to bring something back to vulnerability and men not opening up and sharing and women saying that that's what they want.
01:03:13
Speaker
No, they don't. They're lying to themselves. They may think that they want it, but they're also wrapped up in patriarchy as well. Yes. And think that the strong, silent type is the man that I want. Yeah. But ah what is the there's a podcast that that I've never really listened to the whole show, but the clips come up on my Instagram all the time. I think it's tonight's guest or something like that. They're always talking about relationships, and there yeah there's a real thoughtful brother named Tripp that's on there. Yes. Yeah. And he says,
01:03:44
Speaker
what a woman asked him, what do you do with a man is more sensitive than you? And he pointed out, he was like, what's more sensitive? The fact that he's opening up, you want him to be hard all the time, but you don't want him to be hard with you. You want that softness. Where is he supposed to learn that softness if he's taught and told to be hard all the time? Right. So women talk about, yeah, I want him to open up more. No, you don't.
01:04:12
Speaker
No, you don't. You think you do. Yeah. But it goes against what you've been taught what men are. Yeah. So it's a cycle. Yeah. It's a continuous cycle. Because I hear that from men a lot of like, yo, I try to open up. And she's always like, I don't want to hear that. Because women don't know how to receive a man opening up to them. They know how to receive a woman opening up to them. Yeah.
01:04:37
Speaker
that what man has ever opened up to them in their life. This is something that they have in their relationships with their fathers or their brothers or things like that. And if they do, great. That means that you can have a secure attachment, but right? You can have secure, um I don't know. Relationships. Relationships, yeah. yeah But like if they've not been taught from their primary caregivers or people that they've grown up with, that hey, a man opening up is not a sign of weakness. And you're in a relationship now. And you've been saying to him, I'm talking to women out there, you've been saying to your man, I want you to open up. And he starts to do that. And then you're like, well, I don't know how to deal with this, because this has never happened to me before. I don't even know how to deal with a man opening it up to me. That man is going to feel rejected. Good luck to ever get him to open up again. He's never going to open up again. And you also got to be careful
01:05:31
Speaker
because, you know, you're in a relationship. You're not a therapist. So sometimes people open up to you and they'll be a lot deeper than you thought it was going to be. And you don't know how to respond. And then that then makes that person feel you're not equipped to respond. no And that makes that person feel rejected. So be careful. And again, this is always this is another reason why couples therapy is just very important. Like you can have somebody facilitate these conversations that you're not equipped to have, but you still want to have. And I would say, first of all, couples therapy is like when you're in it. First of all, black measure of time for a minute. Yeah. You need to go to couples therapy after the first three months, then that ain't the right job. That ain't it. That ain't it. That ain't it. That's not when you go to couples therapy in the beginning. Yeah, that ain't it. All right, Jay.
01:06:24
Speaker
We left the the audience with a lot, but what do you want to leave the people with before we end the show today? um it's It's very important to know who you are. and how and how you operate and how you relate to people before you go get into relationships. And and understand yourself on ah on a deeper level. You have to ask yourself these questions because, like I said, a large part of the human experience is our relationships to other people, a connection and community. And if you find in your life you don't have anybody when you're really, really going through it, that you feel comfortable or safe calling,
01:07:05
Speaker
That's not always a reflection of the people in your life. It's about how it can also be a reflection about how closely you let people in. To see that side of you, for you to feel comfortable with opening up to them. So dig dig a little deeper into yourself and understand who you are before you go out here terrorizing people.
01:07:32
Speaker
Key word. Therapy. And on that note, I want to thank you for
01:07:47
Speaker
That was a hell of a show.
Conclusion and Promotion
01:07:48
Speaker
Thank you for rocking with us here on Unsolicited Perspectives with Bruce Anthony. Now before you go, don't forget to follow, subscribe, like, comment, and share our podcast wherever you're listening or watching it to it. Pass it along to your friends. If you enjoy it, that means the people that you rock and will enjoy it also. So share the wealth, share the knowledge, share the noise.
01:08:10
Speaker
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