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25 Years Apart: Family, Regret, and One Final Reunion
40 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, Jennifer Muldowney sits down with André Archimbaud to talk about losing both of his parents just hours apart during the early days of the pandemic. Andre shares the story of moving to Austin with the hope of caring for his mother and father, only to realize within days that their time was much shorter than anyone expected.
What followed was a painful and deeply human goodbye. André opens up about being by their side in their final hours, reconnecting with family over the phone, sorting through their home, and carrying the weight of two losses at once. He also reflects on the years of family distance, the late-night text that helped him reconnect with his father, and the love letters that helped him understand his parents in a new way.
André’s story invites us to think about reconciliation, forgiveness, and whether the distance we hold onto is really worth the time we might lose.
Key Topics:
-Reconnecting with family after years of distance and unresolved conflict
-Losing both parents within hours of each other during the pandemic
-The emotional weight of regret, forgiveness, and second chances
-What grief teaches us about love, family, and reconciliation
-Finding meaning and healing through memories left behind
Quotes from the episode:
“Grief does not end. It’s a lifelong journey.”
— Jennifer Muldowney
“Grief is a moving target, and there are times when it is really on top of you.”
— André Archimbaud
Timestamps:
[02:00] Reconnecting at the End: Andre shares how he reunited with his parents after years of family distance and moved to Austin to help care for them during the pandemic
[05:10] Realizing Time Was Running Out: Within days of arriving, Andre discovers his father's health was far worse than expected and that both parents were nearing the end of life.
[08:05] A Final Moment of Clarity: Andre reflects on his mother's remarkable lucidity during her last days despite years of serious illness.
[10:26] A Beautiful Goodbye Amid Tragedy: Family members share memories, stories, and support during an emotional 15-hour vigil as both parents approached death.
[17:18] Searching for the Rosetta Stone: Andre explains how he hoped to uncover the secret behind his parents' decades-long marriage despite its many challenges.
[23:50] Rebuilding a Relationship Before It Was Too Late: Andre reflects on the final months he spent reconnecting with his father and understanding his parents in a new way.
[29:35] Bringing Them Home Together: Andre shares how his family organized a joint funeral in New Jersey and fulfilled his parents' wish to be laid to rest together.
[34:15] Grief Is a Moving Target: Andre reflects on how grief changes over time, appearing in unexpected moments years after a loss.
[36:05] Reconciliation Starts Within: Andre closes by sharing how healing requires not only reconnecting with others but also confronting your own choices and regrets.
Connect with André Archimbaud at:
Websites - https://clearlynowmedia.com/
Email: aaa@clearlynowmedia.com
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper on socials at:
Instagram - / jennifermuldowney
TikTok - / therealglamreaper
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LinkedIn - / jennifermuldowney
Facebook Page - / muldowneymemorials
Email us - glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction: Andre's Tragic Loss
00:00:00
Speaker
I lost both of my parents two hours and 45 minutes apart from one another. I had been separated from my family for most of the 25 years.
00:00:20
Speaker
Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast. I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney aka the Glam Reaper herself and on today's episode ah this is going to be a tough one I think for a few people. and I've got my dear friend Andre who is going to be sharing his story of love and loss and i will let Andre introduce himself but um yeah this is going to be a tough one for a few people. Andre welcome to the show.
Andre's Connection with Jennifer and Irish Community
00:00:47
Speaker
Hello, Jennifer, and hello, Glam Reaper fans, friends, ah e etc. My name is Andre Archambault. It is not terribly Irish, but that's how Jennifer and I met almost a decade ago. It's hard to believe.
00:01:05
Speaker
uh i'm very active in the irish community here in new york and our paths crossed and have kept crossing for the last decade or so and i live in the new york area i run a digital advertising agency here and in in the area. And I've wanted to talk to you about some of this for a couple of years. And I think the kind of the gestation period um hit the right way right around now.
00:01:34
Speaker
You know, it made sense to reach out. Yeah, you've definitely been through it. And at one of the toughest times globally, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Pandemic's Impact on Andre's Family
00:01:45
Speaker
Yeah. And just just as a little bit of background to to give, because, you know, the story, if not detail by detail, fairly closely anyway, i at the beginning of the pandemic, I lost both of my parents.
00:02:02
Speaker
two hours and 45 minutes apart from one another in their home in suburban Austin. I had been separated from my family for most of the 25 years ah that I was with my ex-wife.
00:02:17
Speaker
There's a lot of family dynamic and drama and And there were players on all parts of that. I've taken responsibility and onus for what I did and didn't do.
00:02:28
Speaker
And largely my folks did too. Being there for them at the end was the least I could do for the the challenges that we we as a family faced for most of those 25 years.
Family Dynamics and Decision Making
00:02:44
Speaker
Yeah. And take us through, i guess, that 24 hours period surrounding your parents' death, you know, and take us through because, yeah, like tell the listeners, you know, you're starting from scratch, I guess. Right. We're sure we're hearing the story and fresh. So, yeah, you know, and Irish people, we are storytellers by nature. So, yeah, take us back to like that 24 hours and and everything that was going on and the emotions and i mean Yeah, I mean, i I think to be fair to the situation, because of the complexity, it kind of needs to be, and and i' I'm not trying to be even even more drawn out than usual, but to be fair to the story, I think it it it needs it needs to be fully fleshed out so that it's understood.
00:03:29
Speaker
And again, against the backdrop of where we found ourselves, you know, six years ago at the be at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020, I had visited Austin where my folks and sister and family had lived and have lived for much of the last 25 plus years. I had visited them three or four times ah after reconnecting with them.
00:03:54
Speaker
uh, in late 2019, early 2020. And, it was the last visit that it was decided that, uh, I would need to move there to help look after mom and dad, uh, for what we genuinely thought would be a year or two window, uh, to get them back on their feet. Uh, myself, my brother and our sister, the three of us had Pretty deep conversation on that last trip um about a month before I moved and decided, you know, whatever we had to do to make this work, you know, fiscally, ah physically, and all of the other ways to to enable this to to happen, we would.
00:04:37
Speaker
up to and including my brother buying my airplane ticket, my you know sister buying food because of the pandemic for me to have stocked in the in the kitchen because I was under quarantine when when I arrived from New York into Texas.
00:04:52
Speaker
And it was a very complicated time, complicated and complicating. we you know we we In hindsight, sitting here now, six years later, I'm proud of the way that all went down.
Realization of Parents' Condition
00:05:06
Speaker
Towards the end of March of 2020, I made the move. I vacated my apartment in Manhattan, left and went down to a suburban Austin.
00:05:16
Speaker
And within 12 24 hours of that time, we found out that it was not as rosy a scenario as we had hoped, that dad was in worse shape. Mom had been sick for about 15 years.
00:05:29
Speaker
Dad had been sick for about six months. And And in short, mom had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2004. Dad was diagnosed with aplastic anemia in October of 2019.
00:05:45
Speaker
twenty nineteen I've made the joke because you develop a gallows humor around this, but never go to the doctor on Halloween because that's when he got his diagnosis.
00:05:55
Speaker
And normally, ah aplastic anemia is not the kind of thing that kills you. It's the kind of thing that can cause complications if you have. And I had never heard this term, your listeners, and and I know you would, I had never heard the term comorbidity in my life. One of his doctors said, you know, the series of comorbidities that dad was dealing with, it it just was, it was a bad mix.
00:06:19
Speaker
Within 24 hours of me arriving, we realized it was not going to be quite the situation that we had hoped. A few days later, we did ah a call with dad, his doctors, the care team at the hospital where he was.
00:06:34
Speaker
my sister on the line, our brother on the line. And again, all socially distanced because the beginning of the pandemic. And I was genuinely in quarantine at at a vacant, otherwise vacant house in suburban Austin. Dad said, you know, your mother and I have been together for almost 55. We've been married for almost 55 years. They had been together two more years than that. So, you know, 57 years, whatever. They had had the conversation about going together.
00:07:04
Speaker
If at all possible, it wasn't assisted in any way, but it was it was ah as as you would know and your listeners would know, likely would know at the end when you come off of it just flew out of my head, the term that when you come off dialysis after.
00:07:23
Speaker
months and months of dialysis in my mother's case and a few weeks in my dad's case, you're literally on, you know, you're talking seven to 10 days depending on the, you know, yeah and that's almost exactly what, what happened. And so dad came home, we called mom, expressed the, uh, dad came home to hospice care.
00:07:45
Speaker
We got on the phone with mom that day or the next day and explained to her what was going on. She was in a nursing home. She was ready. it was it was very strange because seven or eight months earlier, she had had a pretty severe stroke where I had to feed her.
00:08:01
Speaker
She needed help, you know, doing pretty much anything. And
Final Hours: Family Connection
00:08:05
Speaker
that last 10 days that she was with us, she was all so crystal clear. and I know they talk about that, but it was a it was a minor miracle to witness. It really was. And then zeroing in on that what you actually asked the the last, you know, 24 hours.
00:08:23
Speaker
i was I was the only one staying at the house. Our our brother didn't feel comfortable flying in ah because of the pandemic and our sister is local to Austin still.
00:08:35
Speaker
So I was staying at the house and the hospice nurse came in and woke me at around, I want to say around 3.30 or 4 o'clock. And as I'm walking to to the back bedroom where their master suite was, she said, I don't know if you're aware of what you're about to walk into.
00:08:54
Speaker
because mom was in the throes of death rattle and starting to, you know, proceed in that, in that direction. And i said, i said, I'm not fully aware, but that's what I'm here for is to be here for this. And,
00:09:11
Speaker
you know, do do what's needed and made it back there. ah Rang my sister. She came over within 20 minutes, half an hour maybe. And then genuinely for the next, I think it was 15 hours, 15 hours,
00:09:26
Speaker
fifteen hours we had Someone on the line on the phone. And at one point, I think we had as many as 10 different family members on the phone talking cousins, aunts, uncles. I was born in New Jersey, but I was raised in Texas and my parents and sister stayed there.
00:09:44
Speaker
The rest of the family is mostly around the tri-state area here in in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, all pretty much New York and New Jersey. And then ah My brother is in L.A. with his husband. One cousin is in L.A. with his husband. And then kind of got everybody sort of rallied for for that next.
00:10:07
Speaker
Like I said, it was about a 15 hour phone call where someone was always on the line. And it was in a great many ways, it was really, really beautiful for considering all that it was. If you buy into the religious aspect of things and and it's not my thing really at all. But, you know, the irony of all of this is that mom started going sooner.
00:10:36
Speaker
ah But lingered longer. And dad, dad actually died. He didn't start rattling until about two or two thirty that afternoon and then died about eight hours later. Mom, mom genuinely hung on for about 20, about 22 hours.
Coping with Humor
00:10:54
Speaker
21 hours, give or take. Again, the gallows humor comes out. dad Dad was a big personality, a big, hard to explain in any other way. And it's no wonder that he upstaged mom by dying on Good Friday instead of leaving leaving Holy Saturday to mom.
00:11:11
Speaker
no No one cares about Holy Saturday the same way. yeah And a lot of people talk about the fact that well, you know, it was it was it was peaceful. It was, you know, sort of all at once. and And certainly, in a way, there's something to be said for that.
00:11:29
Speaker
But at the same time, ah it's also, and you you would get this, your your listeners likely would too, it's also, you're dealing with two sets of undertakers coming in to clear out the bodies ah You're dealing
Sorting Belongings and Reflections
00:11:46
Speaker
with. I then spent the next six weeks living in mom and dad's, again, otherwise vacant house, sorting through everything that was left behind, which in in hindsight, there was something to be said for that, for the fact that I did miss so much of that time with them and the rest of the family.
00:12:06
Speaker
But at the same time, it was still very vacant for the fact that they weren't there. Their things were. i ended up spending five and a half months all in in Austin before coming back to the East Coast. And the only reason I stayed as long as I did was to reconnect with my sister, her her husband and their kids. I also have other friends and family or ah other other friends in the in and around Austin, Dallas, e etc. So
00:12:37
Speaker
I tried to make the most of that. And again, this was all of this was happening while ah the world was sideways. Yeah. I mean, this it was such an interesting time in in globally, like in the whole world, never mind state by state or country by country. It was such a a crazy time. And to be dealing with all of this.
00:12:59
Speaker
I can only imagine. And i guess I just, you know, a couple of questions. So you went to Austin in the hopes of kind of taking care of your parents, I guess, and and build rebuilding or reconnecting. And all of a sudden, within days, you are watching, experiencing them dying, actively dying. We talk a lot about medical aid of dying and stuff like that and the choice and the right to die and all that. And we've had and some episodes on that or at least touched on it in various different conversations. And your parents, what you know, they wanted to go together and here they did.
00:13:38
Speaker
and I have in my experience, in my role, I have seen people 100 percent heartache. die of heartache and heartbreak, um having lost yeah somebody.
00:13:49
Speaker
Obviously, what, you know, we're talking about here with you is with, it you know, one was dying and one sort of pipped her to the post. um As you said, in your dark humor, you he he got in there.
00:14:02
Speaker
There always has to be one who will do it. I don't know. People talk about how ailments are attributed to things happening in our daily life. Your mom was sick for 16 years. Do you think your dad's illness was almost brought on in companionship or in a in a heartache kind of a way or in some, you know, and I mean, it's so incredible that they both came off dialysis and they both went within such a short period of time. Yeah.
00:14:30
Speaker
yeah know do do you think anything spiritual from us i know you know religion is not but have you have you had that thoughts of especially the fact that you knew they wanted to go together so so ah a couple of things are are are at play here i think in my real answer to this and i'm goingnna i'm going to answer this very real right the couple that i saw for most of my not only childhood but also into well into adulthood ah was grossly dysfunctional, very confusing behavior, up to and including, you know, ah yeah shortly after mom was diagnosed, dad dad did a lot of heavy lifting, pun fully intended there, with mom ah for those first couple of years after she was diagnosed. And he he sort of, you know, they
00:15:25
Speaker
There had been troubles across the years with their marriage, right? They were separated once or twice before I was born. I'm the youngest. Then they were very close to separated several times across the years. Like I say, about two or three years after mom was diagnosed, there was a very real threat of of dad moving out. And even in that dynamic, there was the dysfunction was the two of them calling each of us kids to try to parlay, favor, et cetera. And I say to you what I said to them now, call it 20 years ago, give or take. I just want you both to be happy.
00:16:05
Speaker
ah And it feels like this isn't what happy is. And then... ah you know And then you know i i i alluded to it or hinted at it, but my divorce to the woman I was with for 25 years between marriage and and dating ah ended legally ended about four months before Mom and dad died. That's in that mix as well. And the dynamic there was always like, well, you know, how can they advise me on my yeah marriage, on my relationship?
00:16:42
Speaker
Theirs is such a wreck. you would, it was something that was very real for me. And, and. expressed in you know counseling and therapy sessions. and you know like And in hindsight, to some degree, I think that there was you know lessons learned that they were trying to convey. So after they actually died, a lot of the reason that I stuck, the other part of the reason that I stuck around Texas and specifically took on the the charge of sorting through, i and I may have said this to you across the years, but I stuck around and was so diligent with their stuff because I wanted to find their Rosetta Stone.
00:17:26
Speaker
um What made that work? How did, because the thing i saw never seemed worth saving. You know what I mean? It really, except for the the kids, you know, quote unquote. And, you know, I had developed a thick enough skin by the time I was 14 or 15, maybe 16 that like, I, like I said, I probably around that time I was like, I just want you both to be happy. That's kind of a lot to put on a 14, 16 year old, whatever, you know what I mean? At that intersection
Missed Opportunities and Reconciliation
00:17:59
Speaker
is where sort of all of that, know,
00:18:02
Speaker
ah happened. And so, and it's, it is worth noting. I, my mother had an aunt and uncle, so a great aunt and uncle of mine ah who died within an hour of each other. And it's going to be a little, the and I've said this to friends. You may have even been one of those friends to whom I've said this, but the extent of the self-serving aspect of this that you you talked about, was it the heartbreak? Did, you know, I actually think that me telling them and sharing with them some of what I went through was ah contributing factor to all of this. Like they couldn't look that in the eye.
00:18:46
Speaker
As parents, even though, you know, I'm ah i'm a grown adult and was a a grown adult for that whole time, i think they may have had a tough time reconciling.
00:19:00
Speaker
And I was very direct when I reconnected with dad. don't know if you know, but that that story is rooted in, it through Ireland too. Hadn't been in touch with my dad in 11 years and i texted him Memorial Day weekend 2019.
00:19:18
Speaker
And I knew they i knew he and and my twin nephews were in Europe, but I didn't know if they were in Ireland or France. That was the agenda, ah either Ireland or France. They were going over for Normandy for the 75th anniversary of Normandy, date D-Day.
00:19:33
Speaker
And i texted my dad at what would have been about 2.30 in the morning. And I said, I understand that you're heading back from Europe.
00:19:44
Speaker
Any chances that you're heading back through Newark being the closest, either either Newark or JFK? And knowing my dad, he would have gone through Newark. And at 2.30 in the morning, within three to five minutes of me texting him, he texted me right back and said, I would love nothing more than to to see you.
00:20:06
Speaker
And when I saw them... seven to 10 days later, whatever it was, when they flew back from Normandy. And I should point out, they they were in Cork City. They were staying in the exact same hotel I had been in four months earlier. Like, what are the odds on that? There's a whole raft of that kind of stuff that has gone on with this. And so when they came back, I was very direct with him. I said, listen, we all played a part in all of this. And I had i would have hoped that that would have been enough to kind of...
00:20:39
Speaker
mitigate any sort of overt amount of guilt or, you know, what have you. But but I do think that that intersection there was a ah ah big piece of it. And and no doubt, the 57 or 58 years of their relationship, their their their marriage the the love they had,
00:21:00
Speaker
You know, because they did I did find, i want to be really clear, I did find that Rosetta Stone. I found the love letters. And and and I further want to be clear, it wasn't it wasn't just finding the love letters.
00:21:13
Speaker
Everybody has love letters if they've traded from, you know, partner to partner over the years. Everybody, but they were real and it was sincere and it it wasn't. My dad was not a saint. I'm not going to go too deep into that, but he still there was something real there for a very long time, so much so that.
00:21:36
Speaker
you know Once he resigned, and but we discussed this, he and i you know once they moved through that window of the possible separation in 06, 07 timeframe, he resigned himself to being the caregiver, being the husband, being the being the husband that he should have always been, put it that way. Yeah.
00:21:56
Speaker
I mean, listen, we all come to our come to Jesus moments at various different points in our life. And obviously that was, you know, maybe one of his. What made you send that text? The previous four or five Memorial Day weekends were bad for me.
00:22:13
Speaker
And this was my first one solo. and funnily enough, from where I live now, about 100 yards from where I live is a wedding venue.
00:22:25
Speaker
I went to a wedding at that venue in... basically right in Liberty State Park. I went to that the next day. That was a Sunday. And then the Monday of Memorial Day, i i i it was so nice. I had nothing on the menu per se. I could just kind of... So I went to Central Park. I got my run in, came home, had some dinner, sat down and I watched Field of Dreams, which was...
00:22:52
Speaker
unsurprisingly a touchstone for me with him for me alone and then with him and then the film finished and and um i sent him that's when i sent him the text within minutes of that film finishing and i had heard from my brother who i i had always been close with through the years and still am very very close with He had given me the skinny on where their, what their travel plans were generally, either Ireland or France. And then lo and behold, they were in Cork city.
00:23:27
Speaker
And, you know, and I, I'm that last nine months, 10 months for whatever it was, We were pretty back to normal. There was one instance at some point, I think it was during that second to last trip to Austin where dad lost his cool. Part of part of what made him tough to deal with was his he had a very bad temper and occasionally was violent. Never overt, never, the it you know, not the kind of thing that you would ring the cops for, but it was the the, it was that kind of, he would fly off the handle at times. And I saw that the one time in that window,
00:24:06
Speaker
uh, in January or February of 20, uh, where he was still with it. The other thing about this is part of why we didn't really grasp the, um, the severity of things is that when I went down there in January of 20, I described to people that dad was 75, 80%. And, and then I joke, as I sort of alluded to earlier, 75% of Ryan Archambault was a hundred percent of most people. And so we really didn't think that this was going to be it.
00:24:38
Speaker
um And then when I went back three or four weeks later for what was kind of a mix of um his birthday, my brother was in town for... That's the other thing is Scott had just been in town prior to that. So, you know, it was during, it was during that. And when I, within an hour of me arriving that second time in 2020, within an hour, I was like, I have to move here because he's in such rough shape. And he, he had gone from 75, 80 down to closer to or less.
00:25:11
Speaker
uh in that three or four week window so it was precipitous and you know mom mom genuinely was pretty stable she could have survived on uh dialysis for the next several years um is my understanding i don't know if that's accurate but i that's my understanding of it you know i know there's several listeners um who have gone experienced this. I know I have worked with clients who have, we've had joke double funerals, I guess, you know, is the is the easiest way. i I don't know what it's called. I don't think there's a term for it, but a duo, a duet. um Where we've had two two bodies or two, you know, remains and, ah you know, and whether it's father and daughter or a couple, um you know, it's it's it's a lot and it's it's a lot on the immediate family. It's a lot to, it's a lot even on me as as a professional, however, because...
00:26:09
Speaker
because You want to represent two people equally and there's a lot of different connections, a lot of different relationships. And then, you know, there's the emotional weight of it. But, you know, when it came to and, you know, the funeral and everything like that, how did you do a Did you do the two
Organizing the Funeral
00:26:29
Speaker
of them? You had the two of them in? Yeah, they were fairly devout Catholics, you know, in some ways, dad more so because he used to prattle on about I miss the days when they did the masses in Latin and facing away. And I'm like, that's, you know. Wow. But then conversely, yeah yeah, Vatican II and all of that.
00:26:47
Speaker
and that But then conversely, he was not necessarily the best Catholic in that sense. And then on the other side of the thing, mom, you know, mom was devout to a maybe to a fault on the other side of of a lot of things.
00:27:05
Speaker
Thankfully, the church relaxed cremation, I think, in probably 20, sometime in the 20 teens, give or take. Don't quote me on the timing. It was within the first the few years around then. And so when they died, the undertakers took them Again, separated by about four hours. The first undertaker came within the hour and the second undertaker came about five hours after mom died, four hours after mom died. So that process was about five hours apart.
00:27:39
Speaker
But ah we had them cremated. Their their remains or crumains, I guess, as as they ah technically, they stayed at my sister's place, or her house in North Austin. for most of the next 18 months. And then we found a window where it was going to work for everybody to be able to travel. Despite the fact that they were, you know, that they spent 40, 35 of the last years of their lives in texas
00:28:11
Speaker
They both wanted to be buried in the Northeast. and And that's even a funny story. They were, it was really my dad's family plot in Union City, New Jersey, just outside the Lincoln Tunnel.
00:28:25
Speaker
And at some point during the, that last week of mom's life, she was very with it. Dad was not. And he started to slip by, know, like, day four or five and had another five or six days after that. But mom was with it basically until the last 36 hours of her life, really with it, shockingly. And I know I mentioned that earlier, but at some point in that middle conversation,
00:28:51
Speaker
And she she found out or heard that the plot was not her family plot in Bloomfield, New Jersey. And she started to kind of kick up a fuss. But there was paperwork that said that they had signed off on this. So there was nothing. It just was, you know, out of sight, out of mind, maybe. And my sister and I exchanged glances at each other like, is she really going to kick up a fuss right now about this?
00:29:17
Speaker
With days, you know, remaining. But at any rate, so Labor Day weekend of 21, we did a joint funeral for the both of them and um in Union City. Sort of standard issue.
00:29:32
Speaker
ah We did the funeral mass at the church where they were married ah in Bloomfield, New Jersey, and then did sort of a tour around Bloomfield, East Orange,
00:29:44
Speaker
and a few other, you know, spots where they, you know, where they had lived or spent time together or as kids or whatnot. And then we laid them to rest at the cemetery. And then we did the repass, actually about 10 blocks from where I'm sitting on the other direction. So I i think that I've, the fact that I've landed where I've landed in Jersey City is a bit of kismet for a whole bunch of
Belief in Universal Signs
00:30:08
Speaker
reasons. Well, i I mean, I'm a firm believer in seeing signs or or, you know, that the universe has a plan for us and that certain things are kismet. I absolutely believe it. I never would push that on any else, you know, i with clients and every I welcome them to sort of bring their thoughts to the table. And, and you know, we all experience things in different ways. But I know for me, for absolutely 100%, I've gotten signs from beyond when I'm working with a client, whether it's a song coming on the radio randomly or actual bugs, you know, like a ladybird. think you've heard ladybugs showing up and that was the obsession of the deceased or whatever it might be.
00:30:47
Speaker
I've had so many different signs. So I do. I i definitely think things are in full circle and you are ushered in certain ways. And, you know, look, I again, i don't know. I'm not an expert on this, but, you know, whether they look after us beyond the grave or or they're literally sitting beside me, who knows? It sounds, Andre, I mean, you you've been through a lot. But it sounds like you're in a comfortable place right now with it. um You know, it sounds like, as you said, that, you know, you obviously, you and I have known each other for a very long time. I've been doing this for a very long time. this podcast is now in its sixth year. It started in COVID. You know, as we come to kind of to the close of this episode, you know, how, what made you want to share this story, I guess, publicly? ah You've always shared it publicly to a certain degree. yeah, yeah. yeah How are you feeling right now?
00:31:41
Speaker
What's your thoughts?
Regrets and Reflections on Actions
00:31:43
Speaker
You know, if if i'm if I'm brutally honest, there's still a decent amount of regret around what didn't happen. in the windows when i and, and I think, I think a lot of the reason I wanted to do this with you is after hearing specifically after hearing other episodes that you've done with others around yeah death, dying, grief, grieving, et cetera. I, and, and knowing how challenging it's been for me at times over the last six years, Those regrets manifest in if I had done X, could Y have happened instead of what did happen?
00:32:23
Speaker
That kind of thing. yeah And if I can convey that to your audience to try to bridge that gap as best you can. i was very hardheaded for a long time about a lot of stuff that wasn't worth being hardheaded about.
00:32:42
Speaker
But I also am keenly aware of the fact that I have the luxury of hindsight that yeah you don't necessarily get. that And you certainly don't get it when you're in it, when you're in the midst of a conflict, familial or otherwise.
00:32:59
Speaker
It always takes some some hindsight, whether that hindsight is you know half an hour, ah you know six months or six years.
00:33:11
Speaker
you know And so i you know we're also we're recording this around ah we're recording this around St. Patrick's Day, and we're in that window. i said this to somebody who just marked the one-year anniversary of her father.
00:33:27
Speaker
having passed last year. And I told her, I said, that's what this window is for me, starting basically from yeah dad's birthday all the way through Easter. It's this four to six week window of you know, remembrances and trying to wade through that. And then it's not always easy.
00:33:51
Speaker
It's not always easy. no um And, you know, I heard i heard recently about I wish I could remember the specific line, but it was about how, you know, grief is a moving target. And there are times when it is really on top of you. And then other times it can come out as ah as a ah funny, awkward laugh or smile. Or you think about, you know, ah of something that happened years ago and it it it helps to kind of fill in the the blurry edges of of ah ah maybe a tainted memory.
00:34:26
Speaker
So, you know, yeah it is it's a moving cargo that that is something I wasn't expecting. Yeah. And I think honestly, Andre, I think that's such a beautiful and concept to end the episode on is, you know, you sharing your story and being and thank you for being like super vulnerable and and sharing your your story with us. And in all its reality of rawness, right, is we will probably all have some form of regrets in some way, shape or form in life. That's just the way life is, I think. Sure. and No doubt. Staying disconnected from people. And and I have had a lot of my own friends come and go. And really, it comes down to, is this the hill you want to die on? Like in your stubbornness or in your lack of wanting to make it up with somebody And and if it is, that's OK. Like if you're willing to let this go and never see this person again and potentially one of you die and and that's it, then that's OK. Then that's the choice you're making where if it's just and stubbornness or if it's just you wanting to stick to your, you know, then that's maybe something to revisit for you. And I think I think that's a great note for us all to to take away and to think about, you know, is there somebody in your life that you could send that 2 a.m. text to?
00:35:42
Speaker
Yeah. And trying to reconcile that, not only reconcile that relationship, but reconcile the fact that by cutting people out and I felt like I had to, i want to be really, really clear. I felt like yeah i had to, ah for most of those 25 years, i that that reconciliation is twofold.
00:36:03
Speaker
One, it's a reconciliation with the people. But then it's also a reconciliation of your own actions, your own behavior, yeah even up to it including your thoughts in those moments. You've got look at yourself, yeah.
00:36:18
Speaker
Andre, thank you so much for joining us and thank you for being raw and vulnerable with us. And yeah, we wish you the best of luck in your, as we all know, continuous grief journey because it does not end. there's It's a lifetime it's a lifelong disease, grief. It is. you we find We find humor in the dark moments and we wish you all the best of luck with it. Thank you so much.
00:36:41
Speaker
Thanks for having me, Jennifer. Great to see you.