Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
155. Episode #155 — Featuring Former College QB & Coach Paul Peterson
58 Plays5 days ago
In this week’s E4A Podcast, we sat down with longtime friend and football coach Paul Peterson, who has coached hundreds of college athletes and raised five boys of his own. His message to parents: we must be more intentional.
Paul sees a growing trend—kids struggling not because they lack talent, but because well-meaning adults unintentionally teach them to rely on excuses. He put it simply: “Kids know when you’re fluffing things for them. They see right through it.” When parents blame the coach, the refs, the playing time, the system, or the circumstances, it sends a quiet but dangerous message:
“Your growth is someone else’s responsibility.”
The best parents—and the best athletes—reject that mindset.
1. Don’t Clear the Path. Teach Them How to Walk It.
Paul talked about the shift in modern parenting: “We used to hover. Now we snowplow—moving everything out of the way.” But adversity is not the enemy—it’s the classroom. Kids gain confidence only by facing difficulty, not being protected from it.
2. Redirect Excuses Toward Ownership.
When a child wants to blame the environment, the coach, or the situation, Paul suggests helping them focus on the only things they can actually control: effort, attitude, preparation, and response. Those are the muscles that create resilience.
3. Be Their Biggest Fan—Not Their Second Coach.
Paul shared that his sons know he loves them regardless of performance. That kind of clarity gives kids freedom to try hard, fail, learn, and try again. The best post-game conversation is often just:
“I love watching you play.”
4. Encourage Them to Earn Opportunity—Not Expect It.
As we discussed on the episode, kids today need the reminder:
“Perform your way into opportunity, don’t pout your way into it.”
Nothing builds character like working hard, staying ready, and letting your actions—not your frustration—speak for you.
⸻
Especially for Athletes: • Website: https://e4a.org • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EspeciallyForAthletes/ • X: https://x.com/E4Afamily • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/especiallyforathletes/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmbWc7diAvstLMfjBL-bMMQ
Join the conversation using #TheSportlightPodcast
⸻
Credits: Hosted by Shad Martin Produced by Shad Martin and IMAGINATE STUDIO
Recommended
Transcript
Athletes Compete Against Hunger
00:00:00
Speaker
Every day, athletes push themselves in the unseen hours. They sweat, sacrifice, and prepare to compete, sometimes against each other, sometimes against their own limits. But every year, something remarkable happens.
00:00:13
Speaker
For a few weeks, these fierce competitors come together for a different kind of challenge, a challenge bigger than any
Support for Tabitha's Way
00:00:20
Speaker
scoreboard. They compete against hunger. Last year, your efforts did something extraordinary.
00:00:26
Speaker
You kept a small school in the Philippines open significantly longer than it could have stayed open. and Without your help, it wouldn't have been possible. You changed lives. This year, we're bringing our efforts back home to an incredible organization called Tabitha's Way. They feed families across the Wasatch Front every day.
00:00:46
Speaker
Families who need help now more than ever. And this Christmas, we want to help them feed 100 families. Just $40 provides one full Christmas meal, a meal many families simply wouldn't have without help. Athletes, teams, coaches, and partners of E4A, we're asking you to join with us again and use your sport light to feed the hungry. Our goal is to raise $4,000, and every single penny you give goes directly to Tabitha's Way.
00:01:15
Speaker
In fact, we love saying 100% plus goes to them because we donate right alongside you. And here's another great part. On December 19th, we're gathering to deliver meals to families who can't pick them up themselves.
00:01:30
Speaker
It's one of the most meaningful experiences of the year. So yes, keep competing on the field, on the court, in the pool. But this Christmas, join us, stand with us, compete against hunger. Scan the QR code or click the link in our stories to donate.
00:01:46
Speaker
Merry Christmas, eyes up, do the work.
Paul Peterson's Football Journey
00:01:50
Speaker
Welcome to the Especially for Athletes podcast, where we explore essential principles that empower athletes to learn life's most valuable lessons through sports.
00:02:05
Speaker
Welcome everybody to the Especially for Athletes podcast. I'm Dustin Smith here with Shad Martin and our guest to- today, longtime friend, Paul Peterson. Let me introduce Paul.
00:02:17
Speaker
Paul grew up in South Jordan area, went to Bingham High School. i Went on and played football out at Boston College where he was a starting quarterback at Boston College when when Boston College was playing ball. They were winning games back then.
00:02:31
Speaker
And Paul then went on to coach. Paul, you'll have to correct me, but I know at Sac State, you were the offensive coordinator and quarterback coach, then the head coach at Snow College, then the head coach at Utah Tech.
00:02:45
Speaker
At the time,
Coaching Experiences
00:02:46
Speaker
it was Dixie. It then transferred over to Utah Tech. and my Was there a school before Sac State or in between Sac and Snow College? Yeah. So, so I grew a graduate assistant at BYU and at North Carolina state ah both one year. And then I jumped over and joined Ed, Ed Lamb staff at Southern Utah before I went to Sacramento state.
00:03:08
Speaker
Okay. That's good to know. I, I, I thought there was, but I wasn't sure where they, and then you were at, at how long were you at snow college as the head coach? Just two seasons. Yeah. Okay. And then at Dixie slash Utah tech for how long?
Life with Five Sons
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, ah five seasons. Five, okay. And you still live down in St. George where Utah Tech is is located? Yes, still still here. We love it here. We don't ever want to leave.
00:03:34
Speaker
How many kids do you have, Paul? I've got five boys ages Jeez, that's a nineteen to eleven nineteen to eleven geez that's a lot of That's a lot of dirty toilets.
00:03:46
Speaker
Five dudes share sharing toilets house. It's not really the toilet, it's on the side of the toilet. you That's where it's dirty. right on that I have two and it's like, guys, it's it is not that hard. Come on now.
00:03:59
Speaker
I can't imagine having five. Yeah, we need to get my wife on this. We could have whole podcast talking about that. yeah I grew up in a family of four boys, no girls. And ah I think my mom just earned heaven for what we put her through.
Choosing Coaching at Boston College
00:04:15
Speaker
so your wife must be an angel.
00:04:17
Speaker
She was awesome. Well, Paul, I've known Paul for a lot of years, first through through the football world, um quarterbacks and football world. Paul's helped me with in a lot of the camps that I do with quarterback elite.
00:04:30
Speaker
And um so I, that as especially for athletes grew and and, we had a chance to have Paul come and be part of, especially for athletes. We've had him,
00:04:41
Speaker
come and speak at some of our events, some some of the larger leadership summits that we do. So, Paul, we'll have to get you back back at those. we're working We're working with all of the schools down in your area now, down in St. George. In fact, I'll be at Crimson Cliffs back in in January. Just got a couple dates locked down there where your boys go to school. But, okay Paul, I want to jump right into some questions with you. um Let's start with this.
00:05:09
Speaker
Boston college, take us back to ah playing football, um, playing quarterback. And what was it at Boston college that, that, you know, drove you to want to get into
Career Path to BYU
00:05:22
Speaker
coaching? Was it at Boston college after you finished playing ball that you, I mean, did you know you wanted to get into coaching?
00:05:27
Speaker
Cause you're not doing it now and we can get to that later, but when did you decide you want to get into the coaching world? Yeah, I, um, Man, it's, it's that's do you start all the way back to snow, I guess. I mean, I just, i've i've always and I've always enjoyed it. I knew that if that if I was gonna get a master's degree paid for, that coaching would be able to take care of that.
00:05:51
Speaker
I wanted to further my education. That's why I went to to Boston College in the first place too. Had some other offers, um but but Boston College, great academic school. um Obviously playing some some really good really good football.
00:06:04
Speaker
Um, and, um, it was just an opportunity, you know, that's actually watching some film, getting ready for our bowl game. And, uh, my offensive coordinator, Dana Bible had been around forever. Asked me that same question.
00:06:16
Speaker
Uh, you know, what do what do you what do you want to do I was like, ah, maybe, ah maybe coach. He's told me not to, he warned me not to just kind of sucks you in. Um, But, um you know, it was really good. loved loved Loved the game. Loved being around the kids. Loved seeing, you know, the the unfinished product at point A and then at point B what you really can you can strive to do and get to.
Evolving College Sports Landscape
00:06:39
Speaker
And and um so so I really loved it. But... um but yeah. And, and I, ah I sent my resume out to a bunch of different schools and, you know, we played North Carolina in the bowl game and North Carolina offered me a job. And then, you know, we came, we came back home after I got done playing in Canada for a season, actually got cut and, uh, came home. Um, and, um,
00:06:59
Speaker
you know, doing the resume thing and, and had a chance to go to BYU. And they kind of gave me a little trial there in the spring ball and, uh, Jamie chance work with, work with Brandon Doman there at that time. And, um, really, really, really fun. Saw, really loved the atmosphere there. saw the impact that you have on kids and, um, uh, playing some good football and, um, just kind of, just kind of stuck from there. And then 19 years later, 20 years later, um,
00:07:24
Speaker
um doing something else, but learned so many valuable lessons and and met so many wonderful people. um Really great mentors that at chance to to meet with here in the community here in St. George that helped our football program grow and then just being able to have an impact on these kids.
00:07:42
Speaker
Well, I want to throw up a fairly heavy question out right away. Okay. And this is something that I get asked all the time. I'm sure you've been asked this before, but with us being in the coaching world, this comes up a lot.
00:07:55
Speaker
Um, yeah I can't imagine, I should count up how many times I've been asked you know, or how different kids are now or how different the game of football is now versus, you know, 20 or so years ago when, when we were, you know, first getting first coming out of it or, you know, or, or starting our coaching careers.
00:08:15
Speaker
And I, and the game has changed quite a bit. um I want to talk about the boys though. i and I, I would assume this is the case in all sports, not just football, but, and, and for female sports as well, that,
00:08:28
Speaker
the the what's changed the kids is the way that we've changed. Adults have changed the way that the sport and the kids interact together. The kids haven't changed as much as we've changed the way we treat the kids. we've With the commercialization of sports and the money and the social media and all these different things, what have you noticed in you know when you were playing versus the the kids that you coached you know your last year at Utah Tech, which was just...
Shift in Athlete Loyalty
00:08:56
Speaker
not not long ago, did you notice a difference in in the the the players themselves and how they've how they approach the game, resiliency, mental toughness, focus, those kind of things?
00:09:09
Speaker
Yeah, I think, and and we can get back to some of those other things that you were talking about at the end, but the first thing that came to my mind was, you know, what's in it for me? That's kind of the the thing that I think that I see the most.
00:09:21
Speaker
um I'm going to play well so I can transfer to a different school or i so I can get paid or the that We didn't have those options when I played, so there was this loyalty.
00:09:31
Speaker
you know, I'm still, some of my best friends are the guys that I've fought with. And you do you get that. mean, some of these guys still have these friends, but it's ah the the loyalty, kind of ah the toughness and sticking to something and finishing it with your guys.
00:09:47
Speaker
um And high school ball still has that essence, I guess. um you You miss it. You can miss that in college. And and i think I think maybe that little selfishness, I guess. And and ah and it's the the rules are for them I don't blame them. you know If you can get a chance to to be able to promote yourself and be able to get somewhere...
00:10:04
Speaker
that you really want to play, you know, go for it. It's just the way that it's set up, I guess, like you mentioned, the way the adults have set it up is not conducive to the old, you know, build a program from scratch, keep people there. You'd you'd love wearing those colors. You know, it's where you're from. You know, you're going to fight with your guys. I think you're missing a little bit of that.
Impact of NIL Money
00:10:23
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, and it and it it starts at the high school level. And now that with the money and NIL and not just a little bit of money, we're talking, i mean, it's just, it's out of control now, right? life-changing money. Even we before we came on air, we were talking a little bit about you know Kalani Sataki at BYU, and he's being entertained, whether he takes it or not at the moment, we don't know, but he's a hot commodity. He's had a couple of good years and and he's ah one of the up and coming you know coaches right now. And the kind of money that they're offering now for coaches is it's not, we're talking several million dollars more to potentially take another job. And in the case of kids, I don't think people really understand when we say NIL money,
00:11:09
Speaker
the kind of n NIL money that some of these kids are making. If you're at a big time school, you're making, you're making professional athlete type money for some of these kids.
00:11:20
Speaker
So it's hard to not, you know, understand why a kid might say, yeah, coach, if I get a better shot, I'm out of here because it's, it's life changing money. I mean, you played with guys that made it to the NFL, um you know, at Boston college.
00:11:37
Speaker
how How do you think when you were playing or when you were coaching, if that money had been available for you, you would have been making big time money at Boston College, um how would that have changed your college experience or the kids that you coached if you'd have had access to that kind of money?
Challenges of Team Turnover
00:11:57
Speaker
i don't know. i was I was poor. so i was trying to i was trying to I was trying to make it. My scholarship was $1,200. I had to live off campus where most of the kids live on campus.
00:12:10
Speaker
And my rent was $1,100. So had $100 and something to eat, which was different. I would have taken that money. would have taken it for sure, right? But I couldn't even imagine that as a player then.
00:12:26
Speaker
we had some really good, tough... kids from the Midwest, um you know, obviously Matt Ryan, first round draft choice, God's third chairless, first round draft choice, Matthias Kiwanuka.
00:12:37
Speaker
um Some of these guys were were really good ah football players. I couldn't imagine them wanting to transfer. We just were, we were so tight. and i think that's what made us so tough when we won a lot of games. My senior year, um we finished, ah it was a nine and three and ranked in the top 15 and a lot of it had to do with that with that toughness and that loyalty and being a BC guy. you know We had and a mindset and a really good head coach um who wasn't about trying to jump ship. Tom O'Brien, he's an old Navy, played at Navy and and was a coach at Virginia for a really long time.
00:13:10
Speaker
and and um he he just instilled this, like it was just expected, right. That you, you kind towed line a certain way and he really didn't have to police anything. It was us as players because we had such high standards for ourselves and what being a BC guy was, you know, um, I couldn't imagine guys leaving, you know, when when I was playing at that time, but, but,
00:13:30
Speaker
Again, you know, even then now you see some of the guys on the team. I mentioned before we started that I went to the game on a few weeks ago and and and watched them play. And, um you know, they had, they had i think, a second round pick that was there throwing out T-shirts and stuff like that. But um to be able to get that type of caliber athlete to to be able to compete, I think they have to pay some people. So yeah this is what we what we're doing, the way we live.
00:13:55
Speaker
is it My question is, Paul, as someone who coached at a, at a place like Utah tech where it's almost like it must be bittersweet to watch a young person start to have a a breakout season because you're thinking, man, we've prepared this, this kid and he's doing great now. And,
00:14:16
Speaker
but he's probably doing a little too good. You know, he's going to be on people's radar now and, and, and they're going to transfer. It's almost like every coach now is coaching in a nine month cycle, not even not not a four year cycle.
00:14:33
Speaker
What, what have you learned about that nine month cycle of trying to, get the team you got, whoever stays with you and comes to you and ah get them to where you hope they'll be. And not even know if all that work and effort you put in, they'll be there that next year. What's that like as a coach?
00:14:53
Speaker
That's hard. ah yeah that That system of development of building got blown up. And so, you know, multiple guys, Justin Kirkland starting D-tackle for BYU, right? He's played on my freshman team to transfer the next year to Oklahoma State, then to BYU. You know, multiple guys. If I had the team that that we recruited from the beginning, I think the the principle of, hey, let's get these guys. They're under-recruited. They're coming to Utah Tech, right?
Parental Role in Sports Development
00:15:18
Speaker
um Let's develop in our weight room, give them a chance to play early and see what they do. We'd had a really good team, but that's not the way you can build it anymore. And so we were we were trying to kind of navigate what the portal looked like. We didn't really we didn't have any in-and-isle money. I was trying to find money, they still are, for their for their coaching staff, right? te To be able to keep coaches there and did have a full-time staff, which they still don't. So that was an issue.
00:15:40
Speaker
So what are you going to do? Are you going to pay offensive lineman $25,000 to stick around and not transfer? are you going to pay your special teams coach more than $30,000, right? you gotta You kind of figure it out.
00:15:52
Speaker
Um, so that's, that's definitely an issue at this level, but it, but it was like, Hey, how can we keep them here? is there a way we can keep them here? um you know, if not, it was like, Hey, we did our job as a, developmental school, the new junior college, I guess, to get them onto the next spot. Maybe you recruit to that. Like, Hey, you want to get to one of these bigger schools?
00:16:10
Speaker
Um, you know, stay here. We're going to play it early and give you a chance to do that. And I know, um, coach, e coach e does a really good job. but we We had this same conversation at, uh, at a, at a coaching convention a few years ago. He he's actually head coach at New Mexico. Now he was at university of Idaho.
00:16:26
Speaker
And, um, and he, the way he kept his guys, there was like, Hey, look, you you're good. You played really well. You can get a scholarship to Colorado state or maybe Boise state. But if you stick around for another year and do this again, well, then I can get you to Cal or I can get you to Oklahoma. I get you a bigger school. So he would keep kids there an extra year, um, with, with that kind of mindset. And, um, and it, and and it worked and he, he's, he's in a good spot now. I'm sure he's doing the same thing.
00:16:54
Speaker
Let me, let me shift gears a little bit here, Paul, because we're talking about, you know, guys who make it to the college level and their experiences, which is yeah a small, small percentage of, of athletes. So let's talk more about that junior high, high school athlete and, and, and to the parent who's, you know, the people who listen to our podcast are mostly adults. So, you know, if you've had now as a coach, well, ah as a player,
00:17:20
Speaker
as a coach, and then having having sons who have gone through at a program that's very good and in at really every sport at the school your boys go to, um if if you could go back and And if you could train every parent of the incoming you know sophomores to high school about what to expect or how to manage their kid and and the ups and downs that their son or
Teaching Resilience in Sports
00:17:47
Speaker
daughter is going to have, um knowing what you know, what would be, and this is this maybe a tough question to not thinking a lot about it, but what what advice would you give to them knowing that they're going to be a first time parent of a high school athlete?
00:18:04
Speaker
You know, I, I think, um, just letting them know that you're their biggest fan, which you are. And I think you leave it at that. I think a lot of times, uh, parents can get into maybe, but maybe a coach mode, or maybe they've had some experiences before or they see something that i' my kid's better than that guy. Your kid, your kid is probably, but, but, but as a coach, it's a challenge to be able to, um,
00:18:26
Speaker
yeah I can't imagine a high school coach because the parents would be where would be would be ah would be difficult because they're because you'd have to yeah'd have to help them realize expectations for for the entire team.
00:18:38
Speaker
that's That's the mindset with the coach, right? He's trying to make do the very best he can, playing the guys that deserve it, how he sees fit with his coaching staff who's part-time, who comes probably after their work, um and and and making it making it happen. i think I think understanding that...
00:18:57
Speaker
to teach the the correct principles for your kid to, to, to work hard, to show up on time. Um, you know, all those things that you, that you can't coach those intangibles. Um, and, and then they're going to have a chance. They're going to have a chance to be able to play, but, but letting know that the the biggest fan trying to stay, keep,
00:19:13
Speaker
you as a parent coach out of it. Um, and, and, uh, just be, just love watching them play. I i try to tell my kids that just love watching you play. Right. And half the time I tried to coach them up and they wouldn't listen.
00:19:26
Speaker
Uh, my oldest son, Owen, um, he started to kind of at the end. I'm like, Hey, you you know, give him a little tip or something, but, uh, they, they have all the answers. Um, so I tried to, I try to stay, stay away and just enjoy it. It don't,
00:19:40
Speaker
Dude, if your kid's good enough to go to the go to the next level, they'll find them. I mean, that's their job, right? There's got so much pressure on them. Whatever level that is to be able to play football, they'll find your kid. And don't don't think you have to do this extra stuff or pay somebody to...
00:19:55
Speaker
Pimp out your kid, street agent type
Parental Attitudes Impacting Athletes
00:19:58
Speaker
things, I guess. ah They'll find you, they'll find you, and you got to do your part too to make sure, you know, the head coach says really good things about you, right? If you're a punk.
00:20:06
Speaker
mean, the first person I'm going to go talk to is the head football coach, right? So, hey, their parents are kind of a problem. You know, that's the things that they're going to say. um You know, they got some unrealistic expectation. The kid's a good kid, but, you know, well, we're going find, we're going to, we got to choose from the whole state of Utah, the whole state of Arizona, the whole state of California,
00:20:24
Speaker
um so So just enjoy them. Enjoy them playing and and be their big fan. Everything else will work out. if they If they can play and there's enough junior colleges and other places to go walk on, if they got a chance, they'll find them.
00:20:37
Speaker
You know, coach, we have a principle called win the hour, which yeah think you're familiar with it, right? Get the most out of every hour of every day. And especially to be intentional about those transitions um and mindset. As I go to this next thing, how can I give everything to that thing?
00:20:55
Speaker
um You mentioned some things there that parents can help young people learn the importance of being on time, being where you're supposed to be when you're there, you know, Can you talk to how important that stuff is through the eyes of a coach when you see that in a young person, the advantage that that creates in that young person's life in athletics and beyond?
00:21:18
Speaker
Yeah, having i a good attitude, you know, the man rule, being where supposed to be you're supposed to be doing when you're supposed to be there. those Those things, I mean, I've kept multiple kids on my teams that...
00:21:30
Speaker
maybe didn't have a chance to be able to play and end up getting on the field in some sort of capacity because we liked them. They were great. They were great leaders. they They showed up and were a great example in the weight room and they worked tremendously hard in whatever they were doing. Maybe not the most gifted,
00:21:46
Speaker
were one of the fastest. um But they did all those and did all those things. And your team you're the team has to have a core group of guys like that. And obviously, if you've got one that's like that that, that's kind of chip on his shoulder trying to prove something that's your best athlete, then you're going to win some games because he's going to bring everybody else along. But...
00:22:03
Speaker
Um, that's, that's huge. I mean, I, I love that when in winning the hour and making sure that you're, you're, uh, you're right where you need to be. So, I, I mean, I think, think those intangibles are, are crucial. Does, does, you know, Hey, I would go out and recruit a kid in high school and he got, he's a three, two, but he's a smart kid. Well,
00:22:23
Speaker
You know, are you going to work as hard as you do in the classroom as you do in the football field? Well, there's one thing that it's kind of a red flag, right? um ah You know, so so we look at all those all those details as far as as far as recruiting a kid.
00:22:35
Speaker
Intangibles, we're going to head coach. Does he have good grades? Does he work hard? Does he work hard in everything he's doing? Does he want to be the best? Let's get that kid on our team. Yeah. And if all things are are equal with two two players, you know, i don't think parents quite understand this. I hope maybe maybe they do, but I think I know that some don't, um being a coach, some don't.
00:22:55
Speaker
If all things are equal and two kids are the are close in athleticism, those intangibles absolutely are going to, and in the intangible might just be We like the kid's energy. We like being around him. He he he provides a a positive influence to the team where the other one doesn't.
00:23:15
Speaker
And so even even in some cases, right, coach? I mean, even they're- It not even equal. It might not even be equal. Yeah, that's where I was going to go. but He might be a lesser athlete, but we'll take him because he's got all those other things. Yeah.
00:23:26
Speaker
Right? For sure. it happens all the time. He might be a little slower, a little smaller, or whatever, but what he gives to the team because of his attitude or because of his parents' attitudes, you know, if if you know that a a parent is negatively affecting the community in the stands or in the community,
00:23:45
Speaker
it's It's hard to trust that you're not going to get burned by that because you're running a culture. It's the whole team. It's not just that kid at that position. I don't think parents quite understand that when that stuff gets back to a coach,
00:24:00
Speaker
It's it's hard to as much as we don't want to take it out on the kid and we but if again, if it's equal, but this other kids, parents are supportive and on board with everything and positive. It's it's hard to not say, look, we kind of are connected. We're kind of marrying you as well as the yeah the son here in this relationship. Right.
Value of Sports in Affluent Environments
00:24:19
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, i'm I've got five boys and a beautiful wife. I'm dependent on your kid. doing the things that I asked him to, to help us win games. you know So if we don't do, if we don't do our due diligence and find all those details as we're recruiting someone, then and bad coach, right?
00:24:38
Speaker
Protect and defend the brand, you know? And that's, that's, that's, that's the one way you do it. You got to find out. Yeah. Just be a good parent let them enjoy what they're doing. of their way little bit.
00:24:50
Speaker
We, as you know, a Shad brought up the win the hour principle. um You know our other one, compete without contempt, seek to bless, not impress, and resiliency.
00:25:00
Speaker
um what How can we better it prepare kids in the area of resiliency to to go away to college, to live on their own, to you know to move out of their house after high school?
00:25:16
Speaker
as As parents, with a child who's involved in sports, how do we best teach them to understand this idea of being resilient yeah through their experience with sports?
00:25:29
Speaker
Yeah, I think most kids that play sports, ah it's maybe a little bit easier to get them get them out of the house. They're driven to to to be able to do things. um birth ah yeah I mean, being being resilient, there's there's a lot of things that kind of go into that, right? you know How do you bounce back from a trial?
00:25:48
Speaker
um you know how How do you live through some of this you know uncertainty? um you how How can let other things not be a distraction, particularly you know social media, those types of things, things that they can't control?
00:26:06
Speaker
um As far as trying to help prepare them to to to to to be good individuals, I mean, it's like, hey, it's time
Fostering Competitive Spirit
00:26:13
Speaker
to grow up. like You got to get a job. You got to out of the house. um i think I think as parents, one thing that we that we are really good at is making sure that they're happy and comfortable. And we live in an affluent state here in Utah with a lot of people being successful.
00:26:28
Speaker
And um you get a lack of, you know, having work for things. Some things are handed to to to kids. There's a little bit of entitlement. So how do you how do you get that away? I mean, you got to teach them that yeah teach them to be resilient. When they when they fail, that's okay.
00:26:41
Speaker
We love failure, right? Who was it? Gary, what's his name? I forget his last name. Gary V, I think is what he's called. He's like um talking about, you know, these third graders playing soccer and the kid's coming off because he's mad because he lost. And he's like,
00:26:55
Speaker
He's like, don't you dare correct him for being mad. We need more people like that who who want to compete and cry that it matters to them. like I'm sick of these sixth and eighth place trophies, right? and Give me give you that kid all day. We'll be successful. So um you know you want you want to you want to be able to develop develop that. Failure is okay. How are you going to get better? Get up. Right? right that' Stop.
00:27:18
Speaker
Stop thinking about yourself and learn from it. Let's go. Let's move on. I think as parents, we got to do that. in cinetafa It's not even a helicopter anymore. We're having over with snowplow. We're moving stuff out of their way. right We got to stop doing that.
00:27:31
Speaker
Let them fail. It's a good way of explaining it. Snowplow. we we Enough of watching them closely. it's Well, let's just make sure that it is easy for you. Right. and and And that's counterproductive. um Shad, you know, you've had daughters. um ah in the in the In the case of raising daughters, how important is it for you to have young men that end up marrying your daughters having understood this principle of picking yourself up after you fell? And how do you, what do you hope sports teaches those young men that are going to marry your daughters?
00:28:09
Speaker
Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah. I'm glad both of you have sons. Maybe we could talk after this and make some arrangements there. But I honestly feel like, so, you know, working in a professional world now for 25 years and this principle we're talking about now is so important in life and in professions and in families and everything. this
00:28:39
Speaker
This ability to kind of compete for the life you want and be willing to push through the stuff that gets in the way of the kind of life that you want to create.
00:28:53
Speaker
That's why I love, i think I learned those things, not through lectures, not through, you know, reading self-help books, Sports was the medium that taught me those,
Accountability and Self-Awareness
00:29:05
Speaker
those things. When I wanted something, I wanted a position.
00:29:09
Speaker
I still remember it was a big deal in Palmdale, California to make the varsity baseball team as a freshman. And those were the guys that went on and played in college, you know, and I really wanted that.
00:29:22
Speaker
And I didn't get it because I had partly because I chose to play basketball as well and and wasn't doing all those you know fall games and and things. and And that next year going in, you know that there's something that happens when you're devastated,
00:29:39
Speaker
And you have to go, you know what? Watch this. I'm going to outwork everyone. And I probably did it the wrong way. I should have brought my teammates along. But I almost like to work in secret. You know, I know everyone else isn't working. I'm competing against my own teammates. I would go in my backyard and do things that I knew they weren't doing. And I wanted to make that team the next year. But I've realized as I've gone on with my life, as I served a mission for my church, as I've ah become worked in my profession,
00:30:08
Speaker
That that muscles that I built by responding in that way that no, I'm going to get what I want, like I am going to achieve what I want to achieve. And I'm willing to work really hard.
00:30:20
Speaker
Those were built in sports, but I also had parents that let those muscles be built in sports. Like my dad was if I came home disappointed about an outcome, and said anything about my coach,
00:30:34
Speaker
But it was just like, I can't even repeat on here what happened a few times that I that i did that. and It was made very clear to me, this is not your coach's thing. You make it so obvious that they can't cut you, that they can't not play you.
00:30:52
Speaker
Like, that's on you. That's not on them. You don't want to be a marginal athlete. Make it obvious, you know, kind of a thing. And if we'll be that way with our kids, Who cares what they do in sports? It's what they do in life.
00:31:05
Speaker
And to your question, Dustin, I hope that those that marry my daughters and my daughters themselves have hals that, you know, where no, people aren't bailing them out.
00:31:20
Speaker
They're having to really work hard to overcome the hard things that come in their life because they're going to have harder things and they need to develop those muscles when they're young. And I'm grateful that sports and dance have helped my daughters develop those. And I hope that it's helped my future son-in-laws develop those things.
00:31:37
Speaker
Paul, how how important is, Shad was saying, you you said it's okay to feel devastated because You things happen when you're devastated, right? You have to either have to swim and get above water or drown. And so you kind of usually learn how to swim quickly. um How important is being self-aware as parents, Paul, of the fact that these situations are going to happen to our sons and our daughters.
00:32:03
Speaker
And when they do, we have to not snowplow. um You know, how important is that for parents to be self-aware of they're going to happen and when they do stay out of the way a little bit? Let you let your kid kind of sit in the mud for a minute.
00:32:19
Speaker
I think and you're you're going to have the tendency to to obviously have your kid be the favorite. um But if you really want him to establish, you know, some some resiliency, some toughness,
00:32:33
Speaker
You got to be honest. i mean, the kids know, job you know, you can't lie to these guys. You can't fluff anything. They see, they can see right through it. So they'll appreciate some really good, hard honesty.
00:32:47
Speaker
And, you know, if you, if you can, if you can tell them that I've, I've had sons that have gone through it too. One of my sons really likes blaming the refs. And, and, um which which which is fun to be able to kind of pester him with it. But, um you know, what did what did you do? what What are the things that you could have fixed? What mistakes did you make? You know, that penalty is not going score a touchdown for you.
00:33:08
Speaker
um You know, that, that penalty, you know, whatever it is, whatever sport, that's not going to stop you from being able to execute your assignment to the highest level possible. And so just trying to have kind of be reflective as a parent to let them know, like there's, there's there's things again, you can't control, but you can control this. What is it? what are you going to do better? And a lot of things you see too, some of these kids, they have these expectations um of what should happen for them.
00:33:35
Speaker
And when it doesn't, it, it, it can kind of crush them. But just like you said, Chad, and what you're talking about your experience, like there's no one that's going to stop me doing it.
Effective Parenting Techniques
00:33:43
Speaker
But they the the other kids, the kids that aren't successful kind of retreat, retreat to back like I'm getting screwed, but they don't do anything about it. Right. So as parents, I think we can tell them what, what, what are you going to do do you get better? What is the extra work that you're going to put in ah to help you be successful, to get what you want? Because if you want this, there you go. This guy, they to put some work in. You can't just show up.
00:34:02
Speaker
So I think as parents, we got to be able to, we got to be able to be honest with them and tell them those things. You're not entitled to anything. You got to earn it. Yeah, I definitely feel like it's, a and there's something that happened with my daughters too, Paul.
00:34:17
Speaker
So they were drill, my daughters did drill team and ah on a super competitive team that competed for state every year and my two oldest.
00:34:27
Speaker
And it's like every now and then you feel the anxiety that comes into a kid's life when you put so much energy and oxygen toward those things they can't control.
00:34:41
Speaker
it I think it actually creates an anxiety with yeah when they're up worried about what a coach thinks of them, all of these things, right?
00:34:52
Speaker
But when we direct their energy and their effort and all of that toward those things that they actually have control of, you almost feel this exhale like, oh yeah, yeah you know, it simplifies things just a little bit more than, than that.
00:35:10
Speaker
It's a good point. It goes back to the why, right? I mean, you're going to put yourself into such stress or anxiety of something that you can't control. Why are you doing this? Why you doing this yourself? You do this because you really enjoy dance or you really enjoy football. You really enjoy competing and being with your teammates.
00:35:29
Speaker
It yeah goes back to that simple y why, you're why you're doing it. If it gets away from that because it's enjoyable, ah but more more of a chore. you know I have kids as ah as a football coach come and want to quit.
00:35:40
Speaker
And i'm really good players. And I wasn't going to talk one of them into it to stay. I'm like, you know what? I support your decision. This is hard. If you're not enjoying it, got to go. Like that that's, they they figured out their why. I had a kid who's probably got a talent to be in the NFL as a, as a freshman was playing some really good football. us He's like, coach, you know, you, you said, you know, to come here and an education to take advantage of, of the university. He's like, well, I want to be a plumber. He's like, ah he's like, I think I'm going to be done playing football.
00:36:09
Speaker
a kid that maybe he's going to play the NFL. Like you go be a plumber, man, you'd be the best plumber you could be. Um, you know, his, his, his his why was something else. And so, um, kind helping our kids understand, understand that too. You put a lot of pressure on yourself. Uh, you've prepared and you've practiced, go enjoy it, go have fun. It shouldn't be ah stressful experience.
00:36:30
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. That, that worrying about stuff beyond your control, that's often the stuff that, if If parents are having long conversations with young people about things that are not within the control of the young person, refs, coaches, you know, these other things,
00:36:49
Speaker
That might just be a good gauge, you know, because it's so easy to fall into it as a parent. Like I'm sitting here pontificating about how, ah so, you know, if parents would just do this. And then I think back to conversations that I've had during those moments with my own children, things beyond their control. But but if I could just ask myself the question, am I talking about something right now that's within the control of my child?
00:37:15
Speaker
And if not, then I'm probably wasting my breath. I mean, there's a certain amount of empathy there. Like, yeah, that's tough. Yeah, I saw that call. that I agree with you. That probably went the wrong way. Or, yeah, sometimes your coach, I do not understand why she does the things that she does. It's not that we don't empathize or sympathize at all. Yeah.
00:37:36
Speaker
But if we're spending inordinate amount of time sitting there talking about things that have no like our our young people have no control over, ah just wonder about how effective that is and if we're teaching them the wrong things. I love that. I've said this before, Dustin, but that book, The Oz Principle, maybe some of you have read that book where where the the writer, and i I won't quote it perfectly, but he said there was a certain time in American culture where we lost something.
00:38:05
Speaker
he He referred to the Oprah show where she would bring people on and they've had these really tough things in life. And they would just talk about all the reasons why their life was was bad.
00:38:18
Speaker
And he said that it it kind of shifted our culture. There's this subtle shift over time in our culture where it became better to come up with excuses for why you were the way you were.
00:38:30
Speaker
Instead of to come up with goals and solutions to how to get where you wanted to get. and And I think when we spend too much time talking about those things that are beyond the control of our children, we're teaching them that there's value in coming up with excuses of why you aren't where you want to be.
00:38:49
Speaker
And I don't want my children to think there's any value in excuses. I want them to know, to spend their energy to say, what are my goals? What's within my control? What can I do to get where I want to get? And I think we subtly teach that when we entertain too much, that blame game. And in it lowers resilience when we do that. That's that's ah that's so true, Chad. And you said something earlier about empathizing with your, you know, your child about, look, I don't understand all the decisions that your coach makes.
00:39:22
Speaker
I think that's an important statement to think deeper about what you just said there, that we don't understand. We don't understand. that' That doesn't mean that your coach is wrong. It just means that we don't understand because we're not the coach.
00:39:36
Speaker
We don't know what the coach saw at practice or what the coach was feeling at the game, the way the flow of the game was going and why they didn't, they called that or didn't play this person or whatever it was. We don't understand as parents. Therefore, we have to understand that what happened to our son or daughter, maybe there may be a reason for that. Not just that the coach is a moron, right? That we don't understand what happened to you win. Right, coach? I mean, sometimes...
00:40:06
Speaker
it It just sometimes the your child may have done something earlier in the week and, and that's why they didn't, you know, they didn't play, but, but that is under their control, whether or not they play or not.
00:40:17
Speaker
Yes. The coach makes that decision, not the child, but what you do to show that coach that you are playable or, focused enough or resilient enough is in your control by how you respond to things at practice and after losses. and And in some cases, as to a parent, how we prepare our child to go back to practice the next day when they didn't play or they didn't play well.
00:40:44
Speaker
um Because what we say to our child in the car ride home or at the dinner table after that game going have a major impact possibly on how they show up to practice. and I know you've seen it before as a coach or a Paul.
00:40:59
Speaker
um I've noticed it. I can tell oftentimes when a kid comes to practice, what the conversations are like at home because you can see the way they react to certain coaches talking or to a certain drill or to a certain decision versus the excitement they had three weeks earlier.
Sports Challenges and Life Lessons
00:41:19
Speaker
You can just see the light in their eyes sometimes isn't there. And I know that something's going on, right? Something's something's cloudy in the water right now with with this kid.
00:41:30
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no and no question. I mean, i i was a backup at Boston College until I got my chance. And when my chance came, I took advantage of it, ended up being being successful in 12-2 as a starter and gave them the opportunity not to take me out ever again.
00:41:46
Speaker
i think it's i think there's so many lessons that you can learn from from sports, which are so great. Like, with the with the With the preparation, with avoiding the noise that you're like you're talking about, being prepared, can the trope coach trust me? Chad, you said it earlier, I was going to anything and I could that to to to silently do do my work to get in front of anybody that I needed to That's the type of things that we should be ah putting into our kids' kids' heads, not not not the opposite. If we we're looking for resilient kids, what's making excuse for them going to do for them? Nothing.
00:42:18
Speaker
And and um so so I think if if you want a ah kid that's going to be going to be successful, love the struggle, embrace it, and then try and help them find ways that they're going to be able to fix it.
00:42:31
Speaker
and And a lot of times it maybe, maybe even it doesn't work out and that's okay too. There's some lessons from that as well. There's not always that, you know, you do that extra work and it's going to pay off, but, but you know that you put the effort in, you can feel really good about that, whatever that looks like.
00:42:44
Speaker
um and And again, those things that you can't control, um really being able to come out of this to be successful is put in that putting in that effort, what that looks like later on in life. right um the we are in a We are in a production
Parenting Approaches and Resilience
00:43:00
Speaker
business. Whatever business you're in, you got to produce.
00:43:03
Speaker
and um And if you don't, and if you can't help teach your kids to to produce in a way that's going to help society or earn some money, you're going to be in trouble. They're going to be living in your basement for a long time. Yeah. You know, I think, Dustin, with what Paul was just saying, I'm just imagining two parents, you know, and my mind always goes to baseball because that's the way I grew up. But you come home and you're upset with a with a coach's decision. Right. Imagine parent A just sits there and talks crap about the coach for an hour and a half with their kid.
00:43:34
Speaker
Right. And and starts talking about. that the other kids on the team and drawing division between their own kid. And yeah, that kid, you know, his dad, Oh, built the batting cage. Wow. Surprised that he's playing. yeah It's, you know, kind of a thing and all that energy versus the parent. That's like, Hey,
00:43:53
Speaker
Come with me. Goes out in the backyard, has a net, sits down on a bucket, puts balls on a tee. Like, let's spend this time getting better, right? but here's Here's what you need to work on. Here's what your coach says you need to work on. I just feel like if we could get to that, that you, I often say in my own profession,
00:44:13
Speaker
You perform your way into opportunity. You do not pout your way into opportunity. If you want these opportunities, perform. Don't pout. I will never look at someone and say, well, I think they've pouted enough to have this opportunity that they wanted.
00:44:31
Speaker
But someone who's willing to say, hey what do I need to do? I want this opportunity. Can you help me know some things, some blind spots that I have or some other things that I can work on that will help me qualify for this thing that I really want to do?
00:44:46
Speaker
and then I watch them go to work and do that, that's how you do it in life. Like you're not going to pout your way to a good life. and And I just feel like so many kids, you know, oh, I want to show coach I'm upset.
00:45:00
Speaker
All that does is annoy coaches. All that does is annoy bosses. But when you come with goals and enthusiasm And you're going to make it so they cannot not give you this opportunity. That's the people we love to work with.
00:45:15
Speaker
That's the kind of person I wanted. and I did marry, you know, like, that's the kind of kids I want my kids to be. Those are the people that are successful in life. And, and we are training them subtly. Every time we sit down and do this stuff, we're talking about of these side conversations, gossiping about coaches and their teammates and all that stuff, we're building within them this idea that is so false that you could pout your way into opportunities in life. It's just completely a false idea and it limits kids when we do that.
00:45:49
Speaker
Paul, you've had different boys that I'm sure that had different approaches towards sports, you know, ill but different, obviously different human beings.
Personal Stories of Parenting
00:45:58
Speaker
Have you learned from your oldest son in comparison to your younger son um from sports? And are you parenting your younger son differently than your 19-year-old?
00:46:11
Speaker
A little bit. I try to stay consistent the best I can. They might think differently, but Owen, Owen, undersized, small guy, ah caught everything, loves it.
00:46:23
Speaker
um Played played a position a position, then a baseball player came and started playing his sophomore year, kind of took his spot, I guess. And, and Owen was able to move to a different position and still be successful and be the best teammate for this kid who had 15 touchdowns. It could have been whatever, you know, he, he just, he just loved it and embraced the situation, loved his teammates.
00:46:46
Speaker
Um, you know, and then, and then my second son, ah you know, play, play quarterback all the way up to his sophomore year, um, you know, kid, kid moves in, you know, how you going respond? Does some things in the summertime that, uh, um, um, maybe, maybe one way or another, uh, he chose he chose to quit and move to a different position and then quit after that and didn't play his senior year. So he didn't play didn play this year.
00:47:13
Speaker
Um, and it, and it came down to, for him, do do Do you love it? Do you want to be out there? We talked about this earlier. is what's your What's your why? if it's not If you're not enjoying it, that don't care. My love for you is not contingent on you playing football. That's the first thing I told him. like I don't care what position. I really love watching you play because it's fun for me and and you know and and try to try to pump them up that way. You're fast. You're athletic. you you know You're fun to watch.
00:47:38
Speaker
um But if you don't if you don't like waking up early, you don't like going to weights, if you don't, you know practices are a drag, it's too hard. don't Don't play, you know? And so it's kind of it's kind it's kind of different. So so i i will either way support their decision and make sure that they have their agency to choose which which way they they go and not...
00:47:56
Speaker
One way or another, my, my young kids maybe have a little bit different right now. And they're a spot where they love it. they They love practice. They love every second of it. so we're going to continue to encourage because sports help you in so, so many ways and how to work together and all those good things that sports does teamwork and resiliency, right?
Challenges in Affluent Parenting
00:48:12
Speaker
yeah You got ah tons of chances to fail and see how, how you respond. So that's why we love sports. You don't get that in anything, anything else really.
00:48:19
Speaker
um You know, you might forget your line and in drama, but but I don't think it's the the same as getting your, you know, running the wrong way and get your getting knocked get your helmet knocked off in football. um but anyway, so it was a little bit different with my with my kids, but they try to teach them different principles for where they're at in the station in their life.
00:48:40
Speaker
I remember reading a book. Have you guys ever read any of Malcolm Gladwell's stuff? So he's he's he's written some great books. um My two favorite are David and Goliath, and then he's got another one called Outliers.
00:48:53
Speaker
I can't remember which book it was that he talked about. was talking about the an inverted U and ah in relationship to money that There's a climb and where if not having enough money is really hard on you. If you live in poverty, there's just certain things you're not going to have access to.
00:49:10
Speaker
And then there's the kind of the sweet spot is the top of this, you know, upside down or inverted U. But then there's the downslope where having too much money creates a whole other set of problems.
00:49:22
Speaker
that you didn't realize you were gonna have when you were poor. And then the sweet spot is is you know where where he found in the studies, you know most people are most happy. um Too much money can be a problem and not enough of money can be a problem. But the story that he told was of a guy who grew up poor and had to have a paper route when he was young, young, young kid um would wake up early and go deliver papers. And it was cold. And he just he he started at a young age to earn money anywhere he could, because his family didn't have money. and And later on in life, he ends up starting this business. And, and that grew into another business. And now he's got all this money. And he's his ultra successful businessman living in Beverly Hills. Now he has a son.
00:50:07
Speaker
And he talked about how he wasn't able to, his son couldn't learn the same experiences that his dad had learned because when he would tell his son, you know, we can't afford those shoes, his son would say, yeah, we can. what are you talking about? You're driving a Porsche, right? And mom's driving a, you know, we can afford it and we'll go mow the lawn, go work in the yard. Well, they have other people that do the yard and do the lawn. They pay for people that do the yard. He doesn't, so he wasn't able to teach his son the same things that he learned to make him this super successful businessman because his son grew up with everything there already given everything with money.
00:50:46
Speaker
And so now he had a son who was spoiled and didn't know how to work hard and expected everything. And he realized that, The reason was that he grew up having to learn these things to survive. But going back to your point, Shad, earlier about, you know devastation forces us to figure out a way to survive, right?
00:51:03
Speaker
um and And then going back to what you said earlier, Paul, right at the beginning, you talked about, you know, For those of listening to this that aren't don't know where we're headquartered in Utah. And Paul made a statement earlier about people in Utah. It's a pretty affluent state, lot of money in our state. um The economy's great, lot of businesses, and and but well-educated people here. And sometimes that can cause trouble in that in an effort to be really good parents.
00:51:34
Speaker
Part of our job is to protect our kids. We're supposed to provide them with shelter and with food and right clothing. and But we've done such a good job of protecting our kids that we actually, in some cases, if we're not careful, can rob them of the Teflon they need to put on
Lessons from Setbacks
00:51:56
Speaker
themselves. They can only come through failing and from not being comfortable and not having all the stuff and the comforts of life. And that's a hard, sports is the one thing though, that if we let it be what it's what it is, in its purest form, can teach them no matter how much money you make or don't make,
00:52:15
Speaker
how to get knocked down and have to decide, you going to score anyway or blame it on the referee or the coach? Are you going to figure it out? Go in the backyard, like you said, Chad, and figure it out or just pout your way and hopefully into playing someday by blaming officials and blaming coaches. And are we are we creating kids that blame the government and blame their school system or blame their religion or whatever for all their problems?
00:52:42
Speaker
The parents, yeah. and and And so, Paul, I think what you said was super important for parents to understand. You've actually said it several times now, Paul. You maybe didn't realize you have, but you said several times, just telling your child, I love watching you play.
00:53:00
Speaker
i and I just enjoy watching you play. My love for you has nothing to do with whether you play well or not. I just love seeing you do something that you enjoy. and And even when you don't play, I know you're learning something.
00:53:12
Speaker
And it sucks. I get it. It sucks. You're not playing. You want to play more, but you're learning something that later in life. My son is in Australia right now. he's He's lived with four different ah people who are all from different countries, from New Zealand, from Samoa, from Tahiti, and from England.
00:53:30
Speaker
And totally different cultures, completely different upbringings. so The best thing to ever happen to my son, who's in Australia, was losing in a state championship football game against your son, right? Paul, you may have been at the game.
00:53:45
Speaker
I was there, yeah. Yeah, because... a know i need i glance you and you And you probably, as as my friend, were probably, and as a coach, probably knew how I was feeling.
00:53:57
Speaker
Justin, what are you doing? Let your son throw it 20 times more this game. know ah No. No. i do You know, what the funny thing is, is ah I was going to, I was going to talk about this game earlier for something, ah but you know, some resiliency. Your, your, your kids dominated that game. I mean, ah you, you don't, you don't fumble late in the game. It's it's over, right? There's all these things that had to happen.
00:54:18
Speaker
And I actually talked, we had talked about this before, but there were so many things that had to happen perfectly for them ah to be able to even have a chance. And it's something you can control. Your kids play their guts out, but yeah, I love watching your kids play too. Yeah. And he played great. He, I mean, he played yeah one of his best games. um yeah You know, he, he was over 80% completion for, in that game. His last pass of the game was a touchdown in the second overtime.
00:54:42
Speaker
And, you know, he, he, I was super proud of him. His first pass of the game was an interception. Very first ball he threw in that game was an interception. And I watched the way he responded from that and realized We're going to be okay. He's going to bounce back. And he did. he He only threw one more incompletion his next like 20 passes. He got red hot the rest of the game. But as well as he played and as well as his teammates played, one of our best games, like you said, it took unbelievable amount of just horrible things happening. And when they happened for us to, and and the other team, Crimson Cliffs to play really good, which they did, they got red hot and that's the beauty of sports and they got us.
00:55:22
Speaker
But him having to learn that no matter how hard he prepared for that game, he and his buddies who all played well, they had some of their very best games and still to leave with a loss,
00:55:35
Speaker
was such a valuable valuable experience for him to learn that you can play really well. You can do everything right. You can be ready and go out and actually perform really well.
00:55:46
Speaker
There's no guarantee that you're going leave with the reward you thought you were going to get. You can do everything right in life and still have a child get sick.
00:55:58
Speaker
Lose somebody you love, lose a job, you know, be let go when you were doing everything right. Right, Paul? In the coaching business, that happens. And that's the beauty of sports. Because now him living in another country, he's able to handle much harder things than...
00:56:19
Speaker
just ah ah a football game that didn't go his way, a state championship game. um So I'm super thankful for, honestly, i mean, yeah, we would have liked to have won the game, but the more we get away from it, the more I look back and say in the big picture, for him at least, losing that game taught him a lot more than winning that game would have taught him.
Earning Achievements
00:56:42
Speaker
Sure. That's fun. I'm glad you're sharing that. I love it. Two things. I actually want to go back to that Malcolm Gladwell story. yeah i looked I thought of Christian Ronaldo and he got asked about his son who was a good soccer player and christian Christian's like, he's not going to make it. He's talking about his son who's a teenager getting to the point where maybe maybe he's good. He's like, I've just, I've just, I've, and this is maybe a conversation we can have too. Like, how do we fix this? But yeah he, he, he was, his son, his son didn't come from the poor streets or wherever. I think Ronaldo's from Brazil. Maybe. i don't know.
00:57:13
Speaker
Wherever Chris Ronaldo came from, he scratched and clawed and fought and probably missed some meals and played barefoot and played with a rag soccer ball. Whatever he went through, he realized, he's like, my son never went through that, so he's not hungry enough. He's not to be able to get that. So as parents, we talk about where we live, the affluence that we have, all these AAU, Super League,
00:57:35
Speaker
extra time paying, paying for, uh, whatever this extra payment is, to be able to give them chances to be successful. I think being able to teach them how to scratch and claw and and to fight for something and to earn it, really earn it, not get it handed is something as parents, we got to figure out a way to do. I tell, it tell my football team all the time. I'm like, Hey, you guys have something, you know, that, uh, that you worked hard for that you had to pay for.
00:58:02
Speaker
How well do you take care of that thing? you you You take such good care of it. bought that. I earned it. I know what it took to buy that flipping burgers or whatever it was. And and then and then, you know, something that, you know, was...
00:58:15
Speaker
something they get or they knew they're going to get again because if they lose it or break it, their phone, whatever, parents, mommy and daddy are going to take care of me. how do we How do we teach them that principle of working towards something and then and then really really protecting that? And and I think it's something as parents, we got to find way to do it because we do have the means to do it.
00:58:36
Speaker
um You know, i I know this guy, very successful businessman whose company is worth billions of dollars. And he could he could buy every one of his kids a big fat house. and And he doesn't. One of the principles that he wanted to be able to share with his kids was, you know, we're we're we're this family and we work hard.
00:58:54
Speaker
That's what we do. and And his kids knew, like they said, like the Beverly Hills guy, I know you can buy me that, but he never did. He made them earn it. And so I think, i think that's, ah I think that's something to heart as parents that, yeah, we can provide this for you, but I know this lesson is going to provide more than this temporal
Fostering Resilience and Accountability
00:59:11
Speaker
physical thing. So I don't know.
00:59:13
Speaker
yeah Maybe there's a discussion here, but I'm looking for ways to be able to fix that too, you know? And I think that that's really important just to like what you say, Paul, is I feel like if, and and I don't do this perfectly as a parent, but this, I love having conversations on here where it really causes me to think. And I hope those who are listening to this are thinking about that question that you just posed, right? it Is how can we make sure in our conversations and the things we're teaching our young people
00:59:45
Speaker
That we're focused on what it's helping them to become instead of just the immediate, like the immediate thing right in front of us. That if we can handle situations, conversations...
01:00:00
Speaker
the things we encourage them to do with that end goal in mind, that we want them to be hardworking, honest people who take accountability for their own actions. And that's the end goal that we have for them. Maybe that will change the things we do as we sit around the dinner table and have those those conversations. It's probably a little thousand, a thousand little things that we'll do that will lead to them having that mindset versus A big thing, you know, it's it's the little things that one of my favorite quotes from someone we all respect and know well, ah Henry Eyring, but he said, when looking for improvements, it is best to look for small changes to things we do often.
01:00:51
Speaker
and And he, you know, studied organizational behavior. and And he said, often we want these big new initiatives. And the best way that organizations, families, or people can change is to look for small changes in things we do often.
01:01:07
Speaker
and And I think that that's probably where in our parenting, in our coaching, if just those small little changes we can make to conversations we have to put their mind toward those hard work and goals and not blaming people and focusing on those things within their control, just small little changes to things we're already doing, I think will make the biggest difference in the end.
01:01:28
Speaker
Yeah. yeah I think I'm going add one one quick thing to that too is, is and and sometimes things aren't fair. You know, life life's not fair. Sometimes you're going to get fired.
01:01:40
Speaker
sometimes Sometimes you're, you're, you know, you're going to get fouled and they're not going to call it whatever that thing is. It's just, it's how going respond. you're going to respond to that not fair thing. you're going how going to bounce back. What's, what's your attitude going to look like? I think that's, that's um maybe add on to what you're just saying. That's awesome.
01:01:58
Speaker
you You can't, you can't live life. You can't drive a car looking through the rear view mirror.
Conclusion: Sports and Life Lessons
01:02:02
Speaker
And so we got to, instead of looking back at what happened, we got to, like we say, get your eyes up, look forward and get back to work because pouting and moaning and groaning about what just happened isn't going to fix what's coming. We got to, you know, move on. And, uh, and I think the more we can use sports to teach our kids, this better prepared they'll be for what really matters, which isn't the score of the game. It's,
01:02:26
Speaker
It's how they treat people, how they, like you said earlier, Paul, how they contribute to society. And like you said, Chad, how they respond from those devastating moments where we don't know how resilient we are until we have to be resilient.
01:02:41
Speaker
And so as parents and as coaches, we're trying to do this as coaches. Sometimes, you know, parents, we need your help with this as coaches. We got to let the kid learn how to be resilient by putting him in situations where he's going to have to swim in the deep end and maybe not make it sometimes. and And the next day, figure out how to get better and better. And then ultimately, you know, they we we become what we're capable of of becoming. But Paul, man, we don't want to take too much of your time. I think that we got a lot of good stuff here. Thanks so much for joining us, brother.
01:03:15
Speaker
Yeah. Thanks. This is fun. And I wouldn't mind having you back on another time if you're okay with it. Yeah. Heck yeah. Love it. This is good stuff. Appreciate what you guys are doing. I know, I know it makes a difference. I think there's people that, that care and want to hear things like this.
01:03:32
Speaker
Just trying to, trying to be able to find it because we're almost, you know, you're, you're, you're someone that wants to to get better. This is something that you're listening to, to get better, to to help your kids for sure. Yeah, that's true. So good work. You two.
01:03:44
Speaker
Thank you. we we we We need people like the people listening to this, like you said there, you know, so please, if you're, please share our podcast with people, you know, and and if if we, if we do have something that you think's of value, you know, please help us by sharing it. We're trying to bring great guests on people like Paul that are very experienced and and we do a lot of research to,
01:04:06
Speaker
so before we have somebody come on the podcast, we we want to make sure they've got a message that, or the experience to where what they say we know comes from a place of of ah experience, you know, they know what they're talking about. So Paul, you definitely check all those boxes. And then of course, Chad, you do as well. And so Chad, any final words before we end the episode?
01:04:28
Speaker
No, I just really appreciate the direction that this goes that this episode went. i I feel like it's something that's really important. Reminds me of something that Ella Ballstead said long ago on our podcast, former BYU soccer player, grew up in our program, but she said this. She said, i wish parents would view sports as a tool to shape and build their children.
01:04:54
Speaker
And I thought, what if we viewed sports as a tool to do that? And and that's been going through my mind. And it's just one of those tools given to us. It's not the only tool, but it's one of them.
01:05:06
Speaker
But if we're intentional about the way we use that tool, we can really help build kids. And and that's just been in the back of my mind. So that's what I'd share as my last thought. Thanks again, guys. Everybody keep your eyes up and do the work.
01:05:21
Speaker
Thank you for joining the Especially for Athletes podcast. To learn more about Especially for Athletes organization, get a copy of our book, The Sport Light, or to bring our program to your team, school, business, or organization, visit us at especiallyforathletes.org.