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STAY DELULU, Sex is NOT manipulation, and take it to your grave!
17 Plays4 months ago
Kashira Whitelely (@consciouslykash), influencer, health coach and fellow travel girlie joins Gabby to guest co-host this very special episode. From living through trauma, to healing chronic illness using the mind-body connection, to all the things that could go wrong while living abroad, we get into it ALL! And of course, today’s confessions will have your jaw on the floor. Is it manipulation to use sex to get what you want from your husband? Would you tell anyone if you experienced THIS embarrassing thing while doing the dirty? Find out by listening today!
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👉🏼 NOW ACCEPTING YOUR CONFESSION SUBMISSIONS! Click the link below and fill out the form to submit your juiciest secret for us to discuss on the show. NOTHING is off-limits and everything is anonymous.
https://form.typeform.com/to/K6NPqqS1
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast and Guest
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello, hello, everybody. Welcome back for another episode of Doorknob Confessions. It's Gabby. Diane is on a little vacation this week, so I have my dear, dear friend, Kashira Whiteley here, and I'm so excited.
00:00:20
Speaker
She is also a coach, personal development guru. um I hate that word, but it's kind of like appropriate, I feel like. Branding expert, fellow ADHD coach.
Kashira's Life in Mexico
00:00:29
Speaker
er and also a girl living abroad just like me so we have a ton in common and I'm really really excited that you're here Cash thank you so much for having me hi everybody I'm excited to be here I was thinking about who I was going to invite on this week for a guest. And like, I immediately thought of you because i just, first of all, love you so much. And I feel like you have like the best stories and the best kind of life. I mean, can you tell people like what you're doing, where you're living, like what, I mean, I'm living vicariously through you right now.
00:01:04
Speaker
You're literally the cutest. Thank you so much. um So I moved to Mexico. I live in Tulum. I moved here just over a year ago. and
Finding Joy and Reframing Perspectives
00:01:14
Speaker
God, where do I begin with my whole like long story that you go?
00:01:19
Speaker
It's been a crazy few years. I had a health crash, um turned my life upside down. And then ah as I just went into remission, I decided to come here and just pull myself into living the life that I really want to be living. And it does feel like a second chance in so many ways.
00:01:41
Speaker
um It's tough sometimes rebuilding again and Like the the other side of because it was like like seven years.
00:01:53
Speaker
i was sick for like seven years. yeah it was gnarly. It was really gnarly. It was really gnarly. um But, yeah, so it's it's so it's a crazy process that I feel like I'm in, coming out the other side and all of, like, the nuances of that, but mostly just feeling so grateful and excited. And, yeah, like, itsa it's a real – I think one of the beautiful things about it is how – little I take for granted. Do you know and how much just doing very like normal, normal day to day things and having normal things is, is like incredible to me now.
00:02:37
Speaker
No, I love that. I mean, I think so many of us, like our brain is so focused and this is part of like the way that it's, you know, programmed evolutionarily speaking, it's very focused on the negatives, very focused on like the things going wrong, it literally does not even see like all of the abundance, all of the little wonderful things that happen on a daily basis. Like that like first sip of your morning coffee is like, it gives me goosebumps. Like I love that. Like it just doesn't allow you to focus on all these tiny little wonderful things because it's always looking for what's the threat, what's the problem, what do I have, the thing I have to solve or do. Especially like if you're if you've been in nervous system,
00:03:21
Speaker
like dysregulation chronically. I think that that's something that's actually so like so real and so alive for me and has been over this last year is like really trying to actively reframe that even retrospectively. Do you know of like looking back at my childhood or whatever else and like actually trying to actively look at it through the lens of all of the beautiful things that happened in my childhood and all of the ways that, you know,
00:03:48
Speaker
um that I was safe and held or whatever, but like your brain naturally will focus on the, the things that are a threat, the ways that your needs aren't met, the way that you, you know, the, the, the traumatic events. And if there has
Health and Environment Connection
00:04:06
Speaker
been a lot of like,
00:04:10
Speaker
cause for that kind of survival state, then we can carry that forward. No. And, and I think that so much of my, I i have Ella Stanslow syndrome, um, but the biggest exacerbator for like my chronic health stuff is, is stress. And like the biggest healer has been nervous system health recovery, um, which is also, I think,
00:04:38
Speaker
kind of part of what brought us together yeah I mean I was gonna say that like you know we found each other in and the interweb space um you know because we were both healing ourselves and working on our nervous system and repatterning our subconscious mind and you know reprogramming our brain after having difficult childhoods and different kinds of traumas and different things you know and um you know, even people might not realize that having serious health problems is a traumatic event, like it is a prolonged stress in your body and your brain.
00:05:12
Speaker
um And so, you know, being able to talk to someone and actually who gets it is really, really great. And i can imagine, you know, one of the biggest things right now is that, especially in the U.S. s with everything going on, it's very, very, very crazy. It's a lot of people are literally on edge. They are suffering um and it's there's really no end in sight. And if your environment is not conducive to feeling safe because you're living in, let's say, a war-torn country, um you're living in extreme poverty, you're living through a Trump presidency,
00:05:49
Speaker
Not to get political, but like, you know, I mean, it's, it's very, very hard to create safety in the body that feels lasting, but there, I mean, but it's also what's going to save you is like trying in this, in the midst of a very, very stressful environment, wherever that might be for you, whether it's your childhood home or whatever.
00:06:09
Speaker
like being able to just work on tending to yourself, tending to like your nervous system, stress responses, trying to bring it down as possible is like what will save you.
00:06:20
Speaker
And, um, I mean, I imagine living in like the mangroves and the jungle in Tulum, it feels just so like, so unbelievably juicy in your nervous system. Like when I was living in Bali, like I like felt fucking loved it. And like, I want to go back to live there for a period of time.
00:06:40
Speaker
um Because it's just being in that nature being like so removed from like the busyness of everyday life, like feeling really safe, like just in the environment is got to be so healing.
00:06:53
Speaker
It really is. and And particularly for me, like the beach, like your pagan girly over here, but the beach is is like my church. That's where I want to be. It's the most sacred place for me.
00:07:08
Speaker
It's where I want to be anytime i feel like I want to. reconnect to something bigger than myself and um I actually like since I was a little girl like always always used to say that I i was gonna live in the Caribbean that I just wanted to live in the Caribbean and like the Caribbean Sea is literally like my my favorite place in the whole world like being in me too yeah and Me too. I'm an ocean girly, like, ah but like through and through there are people who are like, Oh my God, like I hate the beach. It's so sandy. You're like, I don't like the ocean. There's things in it.
00:07:45
Speaker
I am way more scared of like heights and flying. I feel so fucking grounded when I'm in the ocean. Like I scuba dive. I don't know if i told you that. And like, that is where I feel like,
00:07:56
Speaker
so at peace. It's so meditative. I can be 75, 80 feet down and like deep diving. And
Social Media's Role in Learning
00:08:04
Speaker
like, all you hear is the in and out of your breath, the bubbles leaving the little, um, you know, your mouthpiece, like you just are floating, like nothing feels more safe and more like just healing than just being in that zone and being in the water. And I know there's like science behind it that like our bodies really respond to large bodies of water our nervous system really does so I love that that's also like really potent for you I saw recently as well that like
00:08:34
Speaker
swimming in the sea, you also like through your skin absorb like minerals. i don't know how much like the science backs it, but like, um, and that you get kind of like your quota of XX minerals that also help to regulate your nervous system and your hormones. And I don't I don't know what the science says, but my body says yes to that.
00:08:58
Speaker
Makes sense to me. Makes sense to me. I mean, we're just going to go with it. I buy it. buy it. um like i believe in I believe anything I see on TikTok. Like it's the... but it a dark is my la but What Facebook is to boomers. What are we going to do about it?
00:09:14
Speaker
Nothing. i get most of my information on TikTok. Just today I was using it to make a bone broth, collagen bone broth recipe thing. So I mean like, and to learn about what's going on in the world and to like figure out how to do like a cross stitch, which I'll never do, but it's nice to know how to do it. Yeah.
00:09:32
Speaker
I have this ongoing joke where one of us will be like, so I read this article the other day and the other one goes, saw a TikTok. like
Camp Ugin Retreat and Adventures
00:09:40
Speaker
one hundred um accurate so Accurate as fuck. un truth Every single time. i think I read this article. So no, it was a video. It was a TikTok video. Let's be real. Like when's the last time you read an article? Like I can't even tell you that.
00:09:55
Speaker
well i might see I might see the opening of an article and think, I'm going to search this into TikTok. No, exactly though. Oh my God. I wonder if like, I have to imagine we're not the only ones. Like where there's other people like us out there.
00:10:11
Speaker
If you're out there and you're like this, please let us know. When was the last time that you let yourself really have fun? I mean, really have fun. That pure, unapologetic, goofy, silly, adventurous kind of fun that you used to have before you became that responsible adult.
00:10:29
Speaker
Look, we all know you're reaching those KPOs at work. You're showing up to Pilates, you're taking care of your kids, you're doing that self-growth work, and all of that is great. But you also need to give yourself time to throw it to the wind and just play. That's just as important when it comes to creating a life that feels joyful and expansive. And that is what Camp Hugin is all about. Camp Ugin is the adult summer camp experience for women by women. We are passionate about bringing women together in community to play, create, travel, and have incredible adventures all while nurturing and healing the inner child.
00:11:04
Speaker
With curated, all-inclusive luxury trips around the world, Camp Ugin will transport you to a whole new world and all you have to do is show up. We take care of everything from breathtaking accommodations to gourmet food exotic excursions, healing workshops, creative activities, transportation, and of course, pajama parties. Our next trip is coming up in May 2025 for our session in the south of France, and we would love to see you there. You'll be staying at a gorgeous 18th century chateau where you can live out your princess dreams and enjoying activities like daily yoga, breath work, hiking, horseback riding, craft
00:11:40
Speaker
being visiting local castles, eating chef-prepared meals, enjoying the pool and the sunshine with her new group of besties, and so much more. Give yourself the gift of relaxation and play and join us today.
00:11:52
Speaker
Visit www.campyugen.com slash May 2025 to book your suite and get ready for the adventure of a lifetime. That's slash May 2025. See you in France.
Challenges and Growth in Tulum
00:12:12
Speaker
So, okay. So I want to know like what, cause like, oh, I have so many questions. Where do I start? Okay. So I think the thing that comes to mind the most is like, what is the crazy, what has been like the craziest thing about moving to a new country, like crazy story or crazy experience or what the, like, just like what has been really like, yeah, like crazy for you about it.
00:12:37
Speaker
And it could be good or bad. so such a good Such a good question. um i think that on the on the good, I lived in Tulum four years ago um and then came back, so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into. But, like, this place is a super magical town.
00:12:56
Speaker
Like, it it really is. um Like, if you're somebody that believes in the energetics or, like, vibrations frequency manifestation whatever it is like tulum is a portal it's like an absolute vortex and you speak things into existence in this place like constantly i always feel in tulum as well that it's really clear because it's quite a small town but it's always really clear it's like being on radio stations and like suddenly you'll connect with somebody and then you just will see them everywhere all of the time. And it's like, okay, that's like this, I I'm on the same radio station as this person. And you can kind of gauge, like, do I want to be here or not? Do you know? yeah And then like, as you adjust, it's like, and, so and, and I don't know, it really is like,
00:13:51
Speaker
I feel so grateful to to be here. I know that Tulum now is like this very ah sort of like trendy touristy spot and it's somewhere where a lot of people come to party or to whatever else, but it's it's become what it is even though it's in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the jungle because it's like a magnet and it draws people in from all over. And at the end of the day, this is like sacred Mayan land.
00:14:18
Speaker
And I feel incredibly grateful to be here. and And it really is like, ah magical magical place like it's it's a stunningly beautiful um place it's a very magical place and it will take you on like it's being in tulum is like being in a medicine ceremony like For as long as you're here, it it really is.
00:14:47
Speaker
Like this place is sacred medicine, um which is intense. And you really have to learn to surf the wave or you won't survive. you what mean? like No, I remember when you first got there, like the crazy stuff that kept happening over and over and over and over. And you were like, I feel like I'm in the Tulum trials. Like if I can survive these trials, like good things will happen to me. And and it and it really is. And I think, I believe that with Tulum that it's like, number one, Tulum is somewhere where you are consistently faced with
00:15:26
Speaker
with your attachment. Do you know? So it's like, if you come here with heavy attachment to anything, like to any outcome, to any, I came here with the intention of like working and building up like my business and and my finances and like my laptop broke expeditiously right away. Do know? like a couple of well you know Like, yeah, like it was like, like don't, there can't, it's like,
00:15:54
Speaker
And again, not because you can't come here with goals, but if there's like and an attachment behind that and it's not coming from that place of like desire, abundance, whatever, when it's coming from that like attachment, that desperation, Tulum will remind you like how um how little you fucking need consistently and ongoing need. You know, it's a constant reminder.
00:16:17
Speaker
yeah And I also think that that being in Tulum, it's some it's somewhere that like it takes care of you it gives you a lot and it's kind of like the initial phase those like to to learn trials is a bit like what are you going to do with it do you know like what you know what you going to what are you going to do with it are you ready to receive it and it is you see a lot of people arriving here with intentions of staying long term and leaving within a week mean like absolutely fucking not like not doing this um and you see people stay but get absolutely lost in the haydenism of this place and the kind of the underbelly and the and the drugs and the you know and the parties and the you know like it's a very
00:17:09
Speaker
it is, it can be very hedonistic. It can be very, um, spiritual bypassy. Yeah.
Embracing Change and Letting Go
00:17:17
Speaker
Yeah. No, I've heard that, but I love how kind of you're saying like, you know, there are all these different kinds of almost like energetic tests to see like where you're going to, where your heart is going to take you, where your spirit's going to take you, you know, and it's kind of like these challenges, they're all asking you what choice are you going to make? Because every day we make all these choices and every single choice that we make from coffee or tea in the morning to, am I going to talk to this person or not talk to this person?
00:17:42
Speaker
Like every single micro choice that you make or don't make even not making is a choice. Right. So it's like going, okay, let's weed out the people who are not ready to receive whatever this vortex is here to give them.
00:17:54
Speaker
And like, then the other people like, Hey, we're going to give you what you need. You know what I mean? And I think that's beautiful. And I do believe that there are places on this planet that are just magical like that and do have that energy. And it's just wonderful to see you taking advantage of that. And like, you know, i just love that for you.
00:18:11
Speaker
And, you know, you spoke about something really interesting, which I wanted to touch on before we get into our confessions for this week. Um, So two things that kind of go hand in hand, right? Like you mentioned in the beginning that a lot of people are afraid to start over, like start from scratch to really burn it down, to build it back up in a different way.
00:18:31
Speaker
And I mean, I think all of us are because at its root, it means like, yeah. Really challenging with the other part, which is like your attachments to things, your attachments to the way things are to your life, to your physical objects in your life, to the people, whatever your career, um it really challenges you to let go of those attachments, right? Or like face them.
00:18:54
Speaker
And then also this idea that like you can't control what's going to happen moving forward because you don't have a plan necessarily or you're trying to have a plan. But really, it's about kind of like letting life guide you and taking it like one step at a time. And for a lot of people, like giving up that sense of control and that sense of containment is so overwhelming and like listen like I I'm I did it like I completely burned my life down and started it again a few years ago and it was the scariest most challenging most emotionally daunting thing i have ever done and it was the best fucking choice I could have ever made how do you feel about that like what would you say like about yourself and to maybe people who are listening who like really are just ready to kind of like
00:19:41
Speaker
start new, like do something totally different, but find themselves like not able to really get started or like to take that first step?
00:19:50
Speaker
Well, I think, you know, for the people that are really afraid to take that step, like I can speak to to to them the most because for me, uh, in all honesty, as much as I'd love to say that I just, I just, uh,
00:20:06
Speaker
lay caution to the wind and took the leap i fucking didn't really i really didn't every single thing i saw a quote once that it was every single thing i've ever let go of has claw marks on it like yes like it was i did not take the leap of faith i clung on to um my the things that I were was attached to, the things that i but were my external sources of of validation, um of like how I but that had created myself identity, to you know, I'd created myself.
00:20:49
Speaker
self-identity and sense of self around very external factors in my life to such ah an extent that I didn't really even know who I was anymore what i wanted or um and I was very detached from what was happening in my body and and I clung to them so much that I burnt myself into the ground literally and I ended up in in my chronic health burnout but also a nervous system burnout um and a lot of dysregulation because I was also doing bodybuilding and taking stuff to help me with that that was also like dysregulating my my hormones right so i it was I feel like I I got put on a massive like cosmic time out yeah
00:21:38
Speaker
like really um we didn't we didn't just all my life in prior to it as well like my my whole where I was born who I was born to my early childhood set me up for the path that I'm on now and I'd like completely diverted and it was just felt thought a bit like we didn't this was never the plan like figure don gra out you know Like we're going to make you make like, um if you're not going to do the change by yourself, I feel like the universe steps in and like literally forces your hand. They're like, here, we'll give you all this. Here's a hint. Here's a hint. Maybe you should do this. Maybe you should go there. Let me just show you. And you're like, no, like grabbing onto the life that you like think you need to have or want to have.
00:22:27
Speaker
Like, like, like you said, like digging your closet and then the universe is like, okay, I didn't want to do this, but now we're going to, I have to burn it down because like, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Yeah. And it's very like any, any astro girlies out there, like I'm a 12 house Saturn, Jupiter in the sixth house, like it will be through my health.
00:22:46
Speaker
it will be like that kind of like karmic, cosmic, whatever. It's like, you will be put on a physical timeout. Like that is the way that it's going to be. And 12 house moon as well. So I also like somaticize 12 house moon and Saturn conjunct. So like I somaticize what's happening for me emotionally and what's happening happening for me.
00:23:10
Speaker
um That stress, those those like, subconscious like ways of being, if I'm not dealing with them, if I'm leaving them in the unconscious, they they will flare up physically. It will,
Health Struggles and Resilience
00:23:26
Speaker
you know, it, yeah it will happen and it happens quick. Do you know? like yeah I was wondering if like you're comfortable sharing a little bit about like what the health scare and kind of like what happened to you, if that's comfortable for you to share. So I, I, I,
00:23:41
Speaker
course um so i i i Got sick for the first time when I was 12. um And again, largely stress-related. I was, like, really badly bullied at school. um But it was at, like, such an extreme level. It wasn't just the kids. It was... And it's it still bemusing to me. Do you know? It wasn't, like...
00:24:07
Speaker
i don't know I don't know where it all came from or how it all happened and how it got to the level that it did. um But there were so many different factors involved.
00:24:19
Speaker
um And it wasn't just the kids. It was like on an institutional level, like my headmaster. was very fixated on me and and um really like singled me out a lot.
00:24:34
Speaker
And I really just, i could not, like I just always had eyes on me. It was then like, because of that, it was also branched out into parents and people weren't allowed to be my friend or it was just like, I was under constant scrutiny.
00:24:55
Speaker
And I would say that like a big part, a big part of it was also like very like, slut shaming and this all started before I'd even lost my virginity so it was also like my introduction like I was a teenager so it's like my introduction to sex and sexuality was very like shamed uh in a really like in ah in a really intense way that I would say my experience at school and the level of ostracization and shame around sexuality that I experienced is very unusual for somebody that is heterosexual, like primarily like heterosexual. And I think that that was something that yeah, it's like ah ah what i I share a lot more kind of,
00:25:54
Speaker
social experience in that way with ah people that are are gay um and the level of like kind of stigma around. and and it was And it was hellish. And I got sick um for the first time when I was 12. And ah then I i developed mononucleosis like really, really badly.
00:26:21
Speaker
And I was really sick for sort of on ongoingly um from like 12 to about like 16 with with like dips in and out. I left home at 16 and moved to, I grew up in Spain. I was born in Spain, grew up there at 16. I left home, moved to London.
00:26:50
Speaker
and um socially my life was way better there my experience at school was way better there like there was a lot of improvements but then I had um two big bereavements in my family and uh I was like you know when I was a teenager I was I was very instrument based was a little raver misbehavior and as you tell It's also how we feel like we take control back over our lives sometimes or we escape at the same time. It's kind of like ah yeah. Yeah. Well, it were it, well, that's what it ended up being when, you know, when I was going through these this stress in my family and and these bereavements, it was kind of for a really long time.
00:27:38
Speaker
like all the way through my childhood and into my like adulthood up until really now, like very recently, my life has been this consistent thing of like a lot of difficulty, a lot of challenge, like having to like fight through and then there being like ah a respite or a potential respite where now everything's gonna get easier And it's like the solution comes in. So prior to going to my school where I was bullied, I went to another school where like my, my, I was not supported at all with like my neurodivergency or anything else. And my teacher actually ah physically like hit me, assaulted me like several times.
00:28:21
Speaker
I was removed from that school and put into the new school and it was like that was going to be the respite where things were going to be like easier and better and improved and then all of like the bullying happened and it was actually like way worse like you know i like and like that pattern and then it's like I moved to London and things were like more chill and I felt more supported at school and more seeing and I had really like amazing friends and all the rest of it and then like two of my uncles in very close succession got cancer and and died. um um and that And then like that was really like awful. Obviously I was i was living, ah was very close to both of them and I was living with one of my uncles whilst he was,
00:29:04
Speaker
whilst he was dying and um and yeah and I did I i was i was raving and misbehaving and I started doing that more and more so because everything you know I was living with my uncle whilst he was dying and and things at home were very difficult so it was a way to be out um and yeah yeah I started taking a lot of drugs and that's not a, it's not a great thing for somebody with a chronic health condition, you know, like it doesn't do wonders for the body.
00:29:36
Speaker
So I had another pretty big health crash at like 17, 18. um and I was, i was like bed bound for like three or four months. Like I couldn't, couldn't even,
00:29:50
Speaker
But at this point, there was still no, you know, like, so this this kind of, these health issues were prolonged, but though they could not figure out what was wrong with me. I have so many different random symptoms.
00:30:04
Speaker
And actually, like, every health crash has been kind of different. And there's, like, a different area. So initially, I had, like I say, I had, like, that mononucleosis. And and every time I had...
00:30:15
Speaker
flare I would have like tonsillitis, chest infections, I've always been prone to digestive issues and like vomiting um but I and had like chronic pain so they thought I had an autoimmune disease and they were kept testing for that and i all of my test results came back normal you know, tail as old as time. yeah um And that was ongoing. And then I had my health crash.
00:30:48
Speaker
Then I, yeah, so I came out of that health crash like 17 to 18. I was sick for, I was sick for a good year, year and a half. and then started to level out and go into remission went through sobriety got into fitness and I kind of chanted along like my early 20s like you know i I would say that I was I've always had to manage my energy and I do need to be mindful about what I'm eating exercise is really important for me and my well-being and my
00:31:25
Speaker
my particularly around like the the chronic pain side of things is eased massively with exercise I went into physiotherapy when I was like 22 um and have worked with like osteopaths and that always helped uh a lot like because I got so into fitness I realized how much uh misalignment there was in my body and that I've got like some real like oddities. One of my, one of my physiotherapists, one of my first physiotherapists I started seeing when i was two, I remember the first time he was great. He was from New Zealand, really funny. And like, this sounds mean, but it really wasn't, it was in such good humor and he was, he was really great. But in one of my first ever like assessments, he just like, I remember him just walking a circle around me and looking at like my posture and everything. And he was just like, huh,
00:32:19
Speaker
You're bit of a freak, huh? You're bit of a freak, isn't it? I don't know whether that's like rude or just like, just wonderfully upfront, wonderfully direct. It was great. Like it really, like his whole demeanor and the way that he did it was just, it just put me so much at ease and we kind of worked from there and like,
00:32:41
Speaker
really i I had hypermobility and laxity in my joints and that's a massive part of like why I had so many postural issues but I didn't you know I didn't know that at the time and then I had my health crash I started getting really sick again when I was 24 and by I like crashed and burned out and I went on such a big journey of like personal development at that point. and It was like everything. i lost everything. I lost my business. I had been in a relationship for years and that ended and I, uh, couldn't train anymore. I was a bodybuilder. I was a personal trainer. My business just went down in the shoe. I lost, I had like, had been saving money so I wanted to go traveling. I spent all my money on rent and existing and, um,
00:33:31
Speaker
then ran out and so I went back to Spain, went back to my mom's at like 25 and it was just like, oh my God, this is like my worst nightmare. Like I've always been independent. Like I say, I left home when I was 16, like,
00:33:46
Speaker
I want to go and do life and throw myself out there. And I feel like despite having always struggled with my health and whatever else and being ADHD, and I'm very severely ADHD as well, little bit, a little bit autistic.
00:34:03
Speaker
you um So, but despite everything, it's like I threw myself at life. I built my, you know, um i went through, several different careers before building my own business and like, um, creating a lot of structure in my life and building my social media, becoming a fitness influence. It was like, I was always like, there's a goal I'm going for it. And I would just throw myself in head first and kind of make it happen.
00:34:31
Speaker
Um, and suddenly i had like nothing to show for it and i was back at my house in the middle of nowhere i'll send nowhere my little hippie village in spain no money like starting over like single and not able to do so much of like my, i my identity again and like my self perception and um my like validation and self worth was tied into my, my work and my business and um bodybuilding. And it was just all gone. Like it was just all gone.
00:35:18
Speaker
and it was sort of, moment of like when it's all stripped back like what's left and I realized I'd become a shell that like I didn't you know I was like I was so numb uh underneath all of the these external things and so where like everything in my external world was kind of just like pulled away in one end
00:35:50
Speaker
like that was there was the ah the only put way to keep making progress and throwing my in self in succeeding at something was like go in and start working on my personal development and i went to like a spiritual awakening and i lot and that went on for years and years and years I started to kind of, I was still very sick, but I started to have enough like physical, I wasn't as physically disabled in terms of like, I could actually like get up and, and, and go, even though I was still having a lot of health issues. And I did, and I came to
00:36:30
Speaker
came to Tulum and Tulum did its magic the first time I was here and I started to go back into remission. I could do probably like five episodes just talking about that and that experience. It was yeah it was and like very magical.
00:36:47
Speaker
I feel like I owe this place my life in so many ways um I went into remission whilst I was here, but I had so much like life admin and things to figure out like on the other side. And I had gone into remission, but like, again, there's a recovery from recovery. Do you
Diagnosis and Acceptance
00:37:11
Speaker
know what I mean? It's like actively sick, when you're actively sick, you're just trying to get better. And that's, that's all that that is.
00:37:20
Speaker
And then when you start to get better and you start to go into remission, even though you're not like actively in the, in the, being sick phase like your body still has to recover in terms of like you're so weak because you've had to rest so much like your muscles like everything you know like I was and like you said earlier it's really traumatic being sick for a really long time so oh yeah it was just a massive process of grief of like um
00:37:53
Speaker
of loss it takes a really long time to trust that you're actually stabilized in remission and that it's not just like an up that's going to go down and every single time you get a cold or you're just a little bit under the weather or you're just a bit tired like your body panics and thinks that you're getting sick again um and when i left um Till the first time i was here, i made kind of a vow when I when i left that I was going to go home and figure out what was actually wrong with me, like what actually was going on.
00:38:34
Speaker
um And so I went back to Spain and by this point it's like, nearly like 20 years of health problems without without answers and i went back and sort of started on that journey i got diagnosed with adhd um which made a lot of sense and actually going on medication uh with my chronic health condition.
00:39:01
Speaker
But this whole process was so much long, so long, you know, so it's like back and then like the process before I got diagnosed was nearly a year. And then, um, my doctor was incredible.
00:39:16
Speaker
uh but then finding the right medication for me and the right balance was like another kind of year and so by the time I hit like three years back in Spain and I still really wanted to come back to Tulum and I still hadn't quite gotten to the bottom of everything I had like my diagnosis of ADHD I'm not diagnosed with autism but like I'm pretty sure but I'm okay I'm I feel fine with my self-diagnosis I don't really feel like I need that but it was like there's obviously more to the story that I didn't understand and I had this like this vow no that this like commitment of like I'm not gonna go back to Siloam until I figure this out and it was like three years and I was like okay
00:40:01
Speaker
Like I need to go home. Like i need to go back to Salome. I need to do it. I'm just going to have to I'm just going to have to trust. And maybe, maybe it's just not on the cards for me. Maybe I just never get to know. And that's part of the journey of this is again, like consistently like the, the surrender and acceptance of uncertainty.
00:40:25
Speaker
Um, and I, and I booked my flights back, And the week after I booked my flight, I was diagnosed with Ellis Donsley syndrome.
00:40:37
Speaker
Wow. I've never heard of that. So it has to be, I mean, it must be, it sounds very niche. It's rare, um but it's also heavily undiagnosed and misdiagnosed. So on average, it takes 10 to 20 years to get diagnosed with L-Stample. Jesus Christ, I'm a cracker.
00:41:02
Speaker
No, I mean, like, to go through that for, like, 20 years plus, you know, I mean, it is... It's hell. And like, i look at you and like, I, first of all, have so much admiration for you and so much like deep, deep, profound respect for the kind of person that you are given everything you've gone through and the tremendous and amount of stress and trauma that you've experienced in your life in all these different ways. And you know, not just the health, but you know, I can't even imagine like having two uncles you're close with, you're living with one of them, you're watching them suffer with cancer, pass away really quickly one after the other. Leaving home at 16 is not, it's not a small thing either.
00:41:45
Speaker
Like the torture you went through at school, you know, I mean, it's just all of It's like, you've never had a break. It sounds like until kind of now, which, you know, it's like,
00:41:57
Speaker
thank God, you know, I'm really, I'm glad you are where you are. Yeah. and like And I think letting go of that, waiting for the other shoe to drop, do you know, it's like, and I do think that one of my biggest, like one of the biggest reasons that I've survived like to this point has been like delusional optimism.
00:42:24
Speaker
And every single time I have that respite of like, things are going to get better. Like part of the reason that it was so crushing is because i would always go in with that, like delusional optimism of like, everything's going to be different now and it's going to be better.
00:42:40
Speaker
um So like that double edged sword of it, that's why it was so crushing. But at the same time, it's kept me, it's kept me like from offing myself.
00:42:54
Speaker
i mean I mean, for real though, for fucking real, because like I'm the same. I have this like Delulu like sense of like, oh, everything's going to work out. It's all going to be okay. I'm okay. Even in the midst of like the craziest chaos. But I think that also speaks to resiliency, right? And it creates a level of resiliency that lets you survive.
00:43:12
Speaker
It's If you just like, if you literally were like, okay, fuck it. Like I just, you know, I'm gonna lay down and just like give up. Like you would not be here. I'm pretty sure today. So it's like, if anybody, if you're listening and this like resonates at all, like, please know, like bjalulu be DeLulu, be DeLulu.
00:43:28
Speaker
and And maybe you'll get let down and maybe you'll have like a heartbreaking realization that maybe things are like, you have to change in a different way or something has to grow in a different way, or you might have to, you know, move around and adjust and whatever, but like stay DeLulu.
00:43:42
Speaker
Stay Lulu. It's a nice way to like kind of cushion a little bit of the hardest shit that you're going to go through. In the sense that even like, I've said to myself, everything happens for a reason. the worst things things and I'm, you know, I'm not saying that they should happen to you or that whatever, but like it all leads you on a path. I I'm
Pivotal Conversations and New Approaches
00:44:05
Speaker
pretty convinced you're supposed to be on. Like I'm like 99% there that like, no matter what it is, it's like, where what is the lesson from this? What is the thing I can take away from this? How can I use this like post-traumatic growth? Right. It's like, how can I take this and use it to grow or get what I want or be the person I want, whatever.
00:44:24
Speaker
There has to be a flip in everything. Do you know what i mean? It's like, it is, it's like, what, what, what, I love that post-traumatic growth. You know, it's like the, the,
00:44:37
Speaker
and again the human tendency to focus on the threat the negativity the difficulty the challenge especially when you've been trauma for a prolonged period of time but if if post-traumatic stress exists then post-traumatic peace must exist too do you know there has to be there has to be a flip to everything um And I think for anybody that's in that like real rock bottom phase, I will never forget having this conversation with my mom.
00:45:09
Speaker
um And like a conversation that saved my life then and ongoingly ever since. And I was, I think I was 17 and I dropped out of school.
00:45:23
Speaker
My mom is like a super academic, incredibly intelligent woman that puts a lot of importance on education and has done in her own education.
00:45:33
Speaker
And I had got so sick that my mother that values education as much as she does was the one that said, like she turned around, she was like,
00:45:45
Speaker
honey, I think you need to drop out of school. You know, wow I think you needs you need to leave school and you need to take some time to just recover. um And um what you're doing is getting healthy and that's it with no ah no extras.
00:46:02
Speaker
um and And I did, I i dropped out and i this was at the point where I was like bed bound and I was having this conversation with my mom I'd already left home. She came over to visit and she was sitting on the, on the end of my bed. Like I can literally like see it. She's sitting on the end of the bed.
00:46:20
Speaker
I'm in, in bed, like absolutely miserable, like so sick, so unwell, um, and barely able to walk. And, and I had this conversation with her also knowing that like,
00:46:37
Speaker
ah my that I'm my mom's like most precious thing in the whole world and that if anything happens to me it would absolutely destroy her and I just had this conversation of like I need you to know and I need to prepare you that that if this is the rest of my life i don't I don't want it and I'm not going to be here for it.
00:47:00
Speaker
You know, like, i I don't want to hurt you, but I need you to to to be prepared for for this reality. Like, I will not stick around to live like this.
00:47:13
Speaker
There's just no way. And she was so calm exteriorly although I'm sure she wasn't internally and she and she just like I think she like put her hand on on on my leg or on my hand I can't remember she put her hand on me and she said well let's try something different first then shall we you know and and it's like that has been it's like every single time I found myself at that like breaking point of like I can't live like this I've heard that well let's try something else instead then shall we and and I think that particularly in in in the case of like
00:48:02
Speaker
suicidality suicidal ideation particularly outside of like depression where it's like i'm just at this point where this is like no more like i can't like maybe in those moments, it's like something does need to die.
00:48:20
Speaker
Maybe it's not you though. yeah Maybe awake a thinking, way of being, behavioral pattern, ah belief system, ah part, an aspect, a cycle needs to die in order for you to move forward with what you actually want and this different way. Let's try something different then.
00:48:41
Speaker
And when I get to that point, like now, if I ever see myself in the point of like, God, I don't want to live like this. Let's try something different.
00:48:53
Speaker
I'm so much more able to take that leap of faith and it, and it really does flip things in a way that's kind of exciting. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Wow. makes it want to live lifeful For sure.
00:49:07
Speaker
Let's try something different. What would that look like? Yeah. What would that be? What would that be? I'm going to live in Mexico. Yeah. i remember when you were sitting on your porch in Spain and you were you were like, it was felt like it came out of nowhere because we were were planning on seeing each other. Because for those of you listening, I live in France and Strasbourg.
00:49:24
Speaker
And I was like, oh, like we're a short plane trip away. And then you like, we FaceTimed one day and you're like, oh, I'm so stressed. I was like, why? You're like, because I'm packing to move. to mexico and i was like wait what girl what we had plans no but i mean this is obviously the best choice you could have made for yourself and i agree with like completely everything you're saying it's like so beautiful and i kind of feel like your mom is like is like uh giving me hogwarts vibes giving me like dumbledore vibes like with that like wisdom you know Yeah, she's truly, she's like my, i I got one of my guardian angels, like bonus on earth in the form of my mom, and I'm super lucky.
00:50:08
Speaker
um And she is actually a lot of my friends say that, that she's like Mrs. like, a mrs clas like female Dumbledore. Like she's a lot less severe than McGonagall though. She's like, she's very, very, she's very mumsy.
00:50:27
Speaker
i love that. I think, I think I'm going to like, along with my mom's like things that she said to me, including like everything happens for a reason. And I always hear this too shall pass, like in my hardest moments. Like she
Tools and Resources for Personal Development
00:50:39
Speaker
always used to say that and something that like has carried me through.
00:50:42
Speaker
I think I'm going to incorporate your mom's net and phrase into like my like repertoire of things to think about when I'm in those times. I love that. mean She's, yeah, she, she's, she has been,
00:50:58
Speaker
Like, ah of such a blessing in in all of it. Oh, I love that. Are you tired of feeling stuck in cycles of anxiety, depression, or self-doubt?
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Speaker
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Speaker
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00:52:03
Speaker
It's time to reclaim your happiness. Your future self is waiting. Guys, I am not a lawyer and I am not going to pretend to be, but I do run a really, really profitable coaching business with lots of things like retreats, one-on-one mentorship, group programs, online programs, and much more.
00:52:20
Speaker
So it's really important that I protect myself with the right legal documentation. That's why I go to Coaches & Company. They have easy-to-read, lawyer-created contracts without the law firm price tag.
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Speaker
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00:52:42
Speaker
So if you are a service provider or a coach and definitely not a lawyer, visit www.coachesandcompany.com slash ref slash confessions pod today to get your contracts in order.
00:52:56
Speaker
Or just go ahead and click the link in the show notes and it'll take you right there. All right. Well, let's do like at least one or two little confessions before we wrap up, because I mean, that's the name of the show and I want to make sure we do that. I mean, like people should listen to our FaceTime conversations. It's chaotic and amazing. And we talk for hours.
00:53:19
Speaker
Um, but I thought this would be fun. So let's see, let's see, let's see. I have a few here.
00:53:27
Speaker
Okay, I think this one's pretty funny. um And also like brings into the question, is it manipulation? You know? Okay. um Okay, so I've been married, this is the confession, I've been married for going on 30 years. So a long time.
00:53:43
Speaker
Many, many years ago, I realized that on the weekends, if I got up in the morning and did whatever I needed to do like make breakfast or take care of the kids or clean, my husband would just like stay in bed all day and watch TV.
00:53:55
Speaker
If I wanted to take to kids the kids somewhere or suggested we go shopping or hiking or hang out with friends or literally anything, my husband would say he's worked hard all week and he just wants to relax. So we do nothing all weekend long.
00:54:08
Speaker
But, but if I started the morning by having sex with him shortly after we were done, he'd get up, take a shower and be ready to go conquer the world. So if I want to have a lazy day at home, I get up and do whatever I want. But if I want to go do something or have him like be up and ready for the day, i have sex with him first thing in the morning. I know I'm intentionally manipulating him and I don't actually care because I feel like he's getting what he wants. And so am So how do you feel about that?
00:54:41
Speaker
i mean, get it. get it. yeah i mean, okay. Like,
00:54:49
Speaker
I guess in an ideal world, an ideal situation, we have like an open conversation about this thing that we've noticed, no, about our partner. And we have like a, you know, a discussion about it. And that's a part of like what works for you, what works for me.
00:55:09
Speaker
And like, yeah, but but I guess she's kind of recognized. what walks with maybe and maybe like like and maybe like i know people like i work with couples now it's something i've been doing the last couple of the last two years i think which i didn't start out doing but i notice that sometimes people just have like there are some folks who just are not good communicators or they just can't have that conversation or it doesn't like land or just like it just like goes over their head even if they do even if one partner communicates pretty clearly, hey, like, I would like to do more of this. Or like, I would like if like, you know, like, what can we do to get you motivated to like, you know seize the day or whatever.
00:55:51
Speaker
um And like, sometimes, girl, you've been married 30 years, you know how your husband works. Like, it's do do it. If it works for you, he's not upset. I feel like it's like the kind of manipulation that like, I don't know, you can't really get in trouble for it. I think it's okay.
00:56:06
Speaker
Well, like, is it, is it, you like, is it even, I mean, I guess, I guess it's, I guess like, what does, what does manipulation mean to you? Do you know what I mean? Cause I guess turn it to an extent she's manipulating an outcome, but it's not so nefarious. Do you know i mean? It's not like, it's not, it's not so, it's not so nefarious.
00:56:33
Speaker
Um, I do think that there are just ways in which if you're sharing your life with somebody else and in partnership, like you kind of notice, I wonder if sex wasn't in there and related to this, if we'd even like question the kind of like manipulation.
00:56:52
Speaker
It's like, if I noticed that, um,
00:56:58
Speaker
my partner just does better in the day if I bring them a coffee first thing in the morning to bed, then, and I just do that, like, would it even be seen as manipulation or would it seen accuracy?
00:57:12
Speaker
It's just like being, like noticing what the person needs and like showing up, you know? Yeah, like if I know like even for myself, right, it's like I know that if I set out like a workout outfit that like I like and that I feel good at, if I set it out the night before, I'm way more likely to get up and like do yoga. Do you know what I'm saying? Like ah what at what point is it like a self-manipulation or is it like setting yourself up for like a good ah good outcome, a good um whatever else, like a good –
00:57:47
Speaker
habit And if that's something that like clearly energizes her partner makes him want get up and get out and seize the day, or maybe, maybe it's, maybe it's also even just in that, like sharing and connection and intimacy first thing in the day inspires him to want to do things that she wants.
00:58:10
Speaker
um wants to continue like spending time together, sharing time together. Like, yeah, like maybe it's, it's like, it's a building block for, for more shared experiences together.
00:58:22
Speaker
Um, yeah, I'm not sure that that, I'm not sure that I feel like it's so manipulative. I have, have to agree with you.
00:58:33
Speaker
I hope wherever you are, whoever made this confession, you take that load off your shoulders. You're okay. You're doing a good job. You're doing you're okay. Okay. So here's the last one. And, um, uh, just going to read it. and don't really have anything to preface this with.
00:58:50
Speaker
Um, I threw up while sucking dick and I swallowed it. I was on my knees, giving it my all. When I puked in my mouth, I really didn't want to stop. So I swallowed it, kept going absolutely worth it, but I will take it to my grave.
00:59:02
Speaker
Um, um, Thank God this has never happened to me. i i think I think I would be mortified or if I like shit my pants you know in front of somebody. I don't know. like Those are, like I think, probably like two of my biggest fears.
00:59:17
Speaker
um But this would be... i mean, I think I would swallow it too. I think would just pretend like it didn't happen.
00:59:24
Speaker
100% like if I found myself in that situation and swallowing it and taking it to my grave was an option that's what that's what we'd be doing yeah definitely I hope he didn't even realize like I hope she just like completely scooted skated on by and she was like have yeah amazing like i I read another one that it was someone who actually ended a projectile vomiting everywhere.
00:59:53
Speaker
And then like, she just quietly packed up and left. like
00:59:57
Speaker
It's just awful. I feel so bad. Yeah. That would, that would, that would not, that would not be my finest moment. but you know what? I do think but like to a level and to an extent, like we're grown adults and things, you know, we're human beings, things happen sometimes not ideal.
01:00:17
Speaker
And like,
01:00:20
Speaker
You got to roll with life, baby You got to roll with life. I had a friend
Thank You and Closing
01:00:24
Speaker
of mine. yeah. And just let it happen. You got to be able I think like if you're sharing with somebody in that way, then hopefully it's somebody that's also going to help to ease any shame in situations that arise that a less than ideal rather than somebody that's going to fuel it and make you feel worse about it. 100%. 100%. 100%. And note, that's our show. It's been Cash. love I'm so love you for it.
01:00:57
Speaker
um note that's our show um
01:01:05
Speaker
Oh, I love you. And i'm I'm just really glad we got to chat. Thank you for sharing like all about your journey and um all of your like little golden nuggets of wisdom. We're really grateful to have that. And I'm grateful to have you and enjoy Tulum as I sit here in the freezing winter Strasbourg weather. And hopefully I'll be out there soon as I'll frolic.
01:01:26
Speaker
Yes. Please. Is there anything like going on that you want to let our listeners know about that you're doing or where to follow you? Come follow me on social media. I'm consciously cash on Instagram.
01:01:41
Speaker
I'm planning a whole lot of shit at the moment, but um I'm also just taking a little, um, self-regulation break um currently and yeah but i'm hoping i'm i'm hoping to to launch something in the springtime and aries season i'm kind of preparing for that so come hang out with me on social media and i might actually start posting again ah There you go. And it's consciously cash with the k So for the I'll put in the show notes um for everybody, but thank you again, girl. And thank you guys for listening to another episode of doorknob confessions. We'll be back next week with Diane for our regularly program schedule or scheduled program. I always mix up my words. That's my ADHD.
01:02:31
Speaker
And until then, you know, stay classy. All right, guys. See you soon.