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You vs. You
69 Plays2 months ago
In this episode of PRIME SPACE, host Elias Scultori, MCC, sits down with conflict resolution coach and author Dana Bernstein, PCC, to explore how our deepest values shape the way we experience—and resolve—conflict.
Dana’s new book, It’s the Thought That Counts: Mastering the Art of You vs. You, reveals a powerful truth: most conflict begins inside ourselves. Together, Elias and Dana unpack how identifying your core values, emotional triggers, and “best self” can transform indecision, tension, and misunderstandings into clarity and purposeful action.
Whether you’re a coach, a leader, or simply navigating life’s daily challenges, this conversation offers practical tools to:
- Recognize when your values are in conflict
- De-escalate your own reactions before they escalate situations
- Make decisions with more confidence and alignment
- Help clients (and yourself) uncover the “why” behind emotions and choices
Listen in for an inspiring, actionable conversation that will help you master the art of you vs. you—and further support your clients in their decision-making process.
Connect with Dana at danalynnbernstein.com
#Coaching #LeadershipDevelopment #SelfAwareness #ConflictResolution #CoreValues #PersonalGrowth #ProfessionalDevelopment #CoachingTools #MindsetMatters #InnerCompass
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Introduction
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to PRIME SPACE a PRIME Coaching Academy podcast with your host, Elias Scultori So hello coaches!
00:00:15
Speaker
Welcome to another episode of PRIME SPACE Today. I am not alone. I have with me Dana Bernstein. Dana Bernstein.
00:00:27
Speaker
Dana is ah PCC coach and I've known Dana for many years because Dana lives in New Jersey and she's a board member of the ah chapter for the ICF, the New Jersey chapter, ICF from New Jersey.
00:00:43
Speaker
And we worked together ah a few years past when I was still living ah
Book Themes and Conflict Discussion
00:00:49
Speaker
in New Jersey. And recently I gave a workshop for ICF New Jersey and Dana was there supporting me and hosting the the meeting and facilitating the conversation. So I said, Dana, you have a a new book. Let's talk about that ah at PRIME SPACE Hello, Dana. Welcome.
00:01:08
Speaker
Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, it's a joy to have this conversation with you. And I'm really looking forward to to what we have to say here because it's so important and crucial for me as both for the coach and for the work that we do with our clients. Anyways, Dana is a conflict resolution coach.
00:01:32
Speaker
And the title of her book is It's the Thought that Counts. And the the subtitle of the of this book is Mastering the Art of You Versus You. Dana, let's start there.
00:01:48
Speaker
What do you mean by that subtitle? Conflict doesn't exist. There is absolutely no such thing as conflict. You create it in your own mind. The things that bother you don't bother me and vice versa.
00:02:02
Speaker
So it's our thinking about it is what causes something to be a conflict or whatever. We've overcome challenges all of our lives. So pinpointing why in this particular instance is this thing an issue is the goal of the book.
00:02:19
Speaker
And my premise is you have this whole internal identity that drives you. It's your values, your pillars, which is your best self, the trigger that stops you, the ideal emotion, the bucket of words that makes you you.
00:02:34
Speaker
Sometimes is this thing that's in conflict. My two values are fighting. My value is fighting with someone else's value. But as soon as you start identifying the those ah one to 15 words, however many there are, you can see the players that are driving you down the rabbit hole.
00:02:53
Speaker
So it's really mastering the art of you versus your thinking, like you versus you. That is so beautiful. I love you versus you. Like I never thought of this idea that I can be in conflict with myself.
00:03:09
Speaker
and All the time. but All the time, right? and And I love what you're bringing here, that this that the conflict is not with the situation. The conflict is not with somebody else.
00:03:22
Speaker
it's It's really understanding how we are and we may be in conflict with ourselves. And by understanding and having a deeper understanding of who we are, we are able to see this more clearly and perhaps even completely dismiss this possible conflict.
00:03:41
Speaker
the want to resolve it Or resolve it with the other person. I mean, sometimes things do happen, obviously, on the outside, outside conflict versus inside conflict.
Values, Growth, and Conflict Resolution
00:03:49
Speaker
But understanding, oh, this person crossed my value of respect.
00:03:55
Speaker
What do I do with it? I can't unscramble the egg. I'm either going to have to make peace with it. I'm going to have to use another value to lead the conversation. but me continually thinking, oh, they don't respect me. They don't respect me. And playing that record over and over makes the situation worse.
00:04:14
Speaker
So the idea is to deescalate yourself, understand like, o respect got hit. What do I do with this? And then make a plan forward. Do I need to have a conversation with this person? Do I need to have a conversation with myself to calm myself down?
00:04:29
Speaker
So, Dana, as I am continue to introduce you here. ah So who is Dana? Oh, my outside stuff is blah, blah, blah.
00:04:43
Speaker
Right. Lots of outside things that I love doing. But who I really am, if you strip away all that outside stuff, is community, passion, laughter, and peace. And those are the things that really help me identify that projects and the tasks that I do every day.
00:05:01
Speaker
Always in alignment with myself, or as much as can be, right? Obviously, we have life happening. But as much as can be, I'd rather be a 1% me than negative 1% me. and a negative one percent may That's so beautiful. I've i've always said, you know, and I've said here at Prime Space as well, that my core values are connection and growth.
00:05:21
Speaker
And, you know, we had a beautiful conversation, you and I, last week that I am in the process of revisiting these values and paying attention to to refining them or going deeper. So I'm i'm still in the process of refining that.
00:05:37
Speaker
one I think that very very very soon I'm going to land on more um on on my own words here. But for now, it's connection and growth, right? So ah in it's i would I would love for you to to share with us here, how do these words help you on a daily basis?
00:05:59
Speaker
Oh, fun. It's fun to know who you are on the inside, but I'll explain it this way. Most people know how to drive a car. We know when traffic slows down, we have to start to brake.
00:06:12
Speaker
We know where all the little gadgets are in the car and what they're used for, why we need them. We know how to fill the gas tank. Well, maybe not New Jersey, but we know how to fill the gas tank when we're running out of gas.
00:06:26
Speaker
Our mind and body works the same way. But do we pause when something happens so we can think about why we're upset?
Self-awareness and Coaching Exercises
00:06:35
Speaker
Do we know where our gadgets are internally, our values, our pillars, our trigger? What happens when those buttons are pressed? What do we do?
00:06:42
Speaker
Do we slow down? Do we speed up? Do we fill our own gas tank up when we feel depleted? And how do you do that? What's the purposeful thing that you do to fill up your tank?
00:06:53
Speaker
So when I look at my pillars, I fill those up because those are the juice. Those are what gets me going. I build my community. I lean into it. i do work that I'm passionate about.
00:07:05
Speaker
and love laughing and peace is huge. I love having a very calm existence, although it doesn't look so calm. But knowing when our clients know their internal self and know what drives them, that self command will help them navigate the challenges.
00:07:26
Speaker
And what happens if we all brought our best self to the table, whatever that table is, even if it's a 1%, sometimes days are like a 1%-er. Yeah, no, thank you for this. yeah That's why I believe that this work around values and identifying specific words that describe the core of who we are is so, so helpful.
00:07:55
Speaker
because it's the place where we land, right? And when we have to make decisions or when there is conflict or when there is something that we don't quite understand what is what is truly going on, these words will anchor us in saying, oh, it's coming from this place.
00:08:15
Speaker
I did this work before and I can't verbalize the essence of of the reason why I'm acting this way or the reason why this is important to me or the reason why I'm having some difficulty navigating this particular moment, it's because it's coming from that place inside of me.
00:08:39
Speaker
And therefore, I'm able to more clearly define what's really happening and more clearly make choices for myself of how I'm going to proceed.
00:08:51
Speaker
Can I add one more in Yes, please. So when you are indecisive about a situation, like what do I do? Or I don't know how to, am I staying with my job? Am I leaving my job? All of those things.
00:09:03
Speaker
Anything that causes indecision. Look at your values and your pillars. Which ones are fighting? You can't put any of them out of the car because they're all part of who you are as a human being.
00:09:15
Speaker
But you can identify, oh, my perseverance value is fighting with my community pillar and that's why I can't make a decision about this thing. And as soon as I label the the thing, the two people that are fighting in my head, these little thought committee members that are like, oh, you should persevere.
00:09:33
Speaker
oh but you should listen to your community, right? These two things are fighting. You can identify it, label it, decompress yourself and say which one is going to lead. because you'll stay in that circular war, being indecisive, not knowing what to do when you don't know who's driving your, what thoughts are driving you.
00:09:54
Speaker
Yeah, it it gives more more clarity to make choices as we move forward. And so this is beautiful because this is a process that is not only valuable to us as coaches, because I i think that, you know, we walk the the we walk the talk, right? So it's so important for us to do this for ourselves.
00:10:16
Speaker
But it's the beauty of the work that we we can do, with our clients as well and I am um you know always a little careful with this whole idea of what kind of exercises or what kind of assessments we do with our clients it's not that we are going to push these exercises with the client specifically but there is a we open the door and when the the situation ah is appropriate, we can introduce this to them.
00:10:48
Speaker
Some coaches, and I don't know exactly how you do this, Dan, I think that you mentioned this last week when we were talking, I don't remember, yeah ah some coaches have some of these exercises right from the start as an introductory process with the client. I believe that this this is the way that you introduce this.
00:11:06
Speaker
Well, you if you open the door. If the client walks through, then that's what they walk through. um In the book, I have outlined the whole assessment so you could use it and say you could do a values exercise at one point when it's inappropriate and when the client wants to walk down that path.
00:11:24
Speaker
Where we talk about sometimes client, what would your best self tell you to do? when the client gets to identify that best self, they understand what that which jacket of their best self they're putting on to overcome the challenge. And again, all of these exercises, a ton of exercises, are in the book.
00:11:43
Speaker
And you can use them at the beginning, in the middle, all throughout, and just keep reminding the client which value would lead on this one? Or what jacket would you wear? Which jacket of your pillar would you wear? Or a scale of one to 10, how much are you feeling that ideal emotion?
00:12:01
Speaker
So, Tana, so there is this assessment that you have created and you have, of course, written on your in your book how to go through this assessment. Can you give us like ah one minute ah but ah the the highlights of what is this assessment and what is the the goal for this assessment?
00:12:24
Speaker
The assessment are just the questions of those four buckets. What are your values? Who is that best self, those pillars? What you wanna feel every day and what stops you? And having the client self-identify those words will give them so like some self-empowerment, some self-command when things happen.
00:12:44
Speaker
Um, it's a living, breathing exercise, so you can craft it however you want, but they're robust questions in there that you can use on your clients on my website. I also have samples of how I have, uh, helped clients do that. So people can see that they can always, coaches can always contact me, um, if they need some help, but it's, um, it has been very powerful when my coaching friends have actually used it with their clients because that aha moment of,
00:13:13
Speaker
I've always been like that, but I never quite labeled what it was. But now I have a word for the thing. i yeah And that is exactly what happened to me many years ago.
00:13:24
Speaker
ah There was this conversation about values and I had never thought about values for myself. And i and yeah I think I believe that this was when I was in my coach training and I and i stopped to think like, OK, so what are my values?
00:13:39
Speaker
And I did not have to go through any exercise whatsoever. i just said, oh, it's connection and growth. This has been with me since I was born. Exactly. And just being being able to identify and have them tangible.
00:13:55
Speaker
Oh, how much this has helped me ah all of these years in... supporting me in in in understanding where what was the tension, what was missing for me, what I wanted more, where where do I want to go from here?
00:14:15
Speaker
Because i knew that yeah i know if I am in a place where I am making connections and and people, myself included, we are growing, expanding, thriving, ah I am at home.
00:14:28
Speaker
So that helps me tremendously, have not only knowing myself, but having these words that support me it and anchors me on this. and ah And I love that you have added not only the values and the pillars that you have, but I
Resources and Community Building
00:14:44
Speaker
love this. idea you know What is the ideal emotion that you are there that i am looking for and what are the what is the trigger that takes me off balance and gets me out of that that was also very helpful for me to identify and i appreciate you adding that to the to the uh to this assessment as well so dana if coaches are interested in getting to know more about this assessment and this process that you do where do they go
00:15:14
Speaker
They can go to my website, mywhothoughts.com, mywhothoughts.com, and they cross order the book on Amazon. umm Easily findable. My email is, know, with most coaches,
00:15:28
Speaker
They could find me because on the ICF website. So I'm always happy to have a conversation so we can build stronger community. We could support each other um and then just make the world a better place.
00:15:42
Speaker
I mean, really, that's just the goal is to help people get out of their own way. and then what shows up in the world? Beautiful. And community is one of one of your words.
00:15:53
Speaker
So ah thank you for building this community. We will make sure to have on the notes of this podcast, of this episode, all of your contacts over there. So coaches, if you're interested in it some continue this conversation and understanding a little bit more of the value of values and you know And this process, ah please connect with Dana, it's a wonderful process. I am a firm believer that this can truly be this this whole ah yeah ah identification of our values and what is at the core and being able to verbalize it's so helpful.
Conclusion and Reflection
00:16:32
Speaker
for the coach and so helpful for our clients so uh highly encourage everyone to take a look at this and see how you can implement this in your practice Dana thank you so much for being here today Oh, thank you for having me. i love talking to you.
00:16:52
Speaker
You're like one of my favorite people, literally. The grace, the love of life, I mean, all of that, it just stays with me. Whenever we used to speak back in the day, and even now, it's just wonderful to be with you.
00:17:04
Speaker
it Thank you so much. And it's always a joy to have you here as well. And we'll have you back another time and we will continue the conversation. Everyone, thank you so much for listening to this. Pay attention to your values this week and pay attention to these words that may be anchoring you to support you in your work and the work that you do with your clients.
00:17:27
Speaker
And don't forget to subscribe and share this episode with others. And i will see you next time. Take care.