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EP246: Larry Hagner - How To Be A Good Father
72 Plays4 years ago
Fatherhood can be overwhelming even more so when you try to do it alone. That's according to this week's guest, who, based on his own experiences, has dedicated himself to help dads and husbands become the greatest version of themselves. Larry Hagner is the founder of the Good Dad Project, the host of The Dad Edge Podcast and an author of several books. During this interview, you’ll learn…
- The importance of investing in marriage preparation before walking down the aisle
- Why you need to spend time sharpening your dad skills
- The significance of living day-by-day
Recommended
Transcript
The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Parenting
00:00:00
Speaker
It's equally as important do you have emotional intelligence to be able to connect. To be able to communicate and to be able to provide an environment of psychological safety where your kids will not only connect with you but they'll tell you anything and if you think that's impossible think again. You can actually create the environment where your kids will share with you anything that's on their mind anything that they've done wrong doings dishonesty.
00:00:26
Speaker
and they will share it with you based on the environment that you create.
Introduction to Thought Leadership
00:00:34
Speaker
Welcome to the Thought Leader Revolution with Nikki Ballou. Join the revolution. There's never been a better time in history to speak your truth, find your freedom, and make your fortune. Each week, we interview the world's top thought leaders and learn the secrets of how they built a six to seven-figure practice. This episode has been brought to you by eCircleAcademy.com, the proven system to add six to seven figures a year to your thought leader practice.
Larry Hagner's Mission to Reclaim Masculinity
00:01:06
Speaker
Welcome to another exciting episode of the podcast, The Thought Leader Revolution. I'm your host, Nicky Baloo. And boy, do we have an incredible guest lined up for you today. Longtime listeners to this show know that I am very passionate about serving men, especially men today that in many ways feel lost.
00:01:29
Speaker
uncertain about how to navigate these times, uncertain what it means to be a man in this day and age. And today's guest is somebody who is at the forefront of the battle to help men be better fathers. I am speaking, of course, of none other than the one, the only, the legendary Larry Hagner of the Good Dad Project. Welcome to the show, Larry.
00:01:53
Speaker
Wow. I don't know if I've ever had such an exciting intro. Man, that was cool. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Overcoming a Fatherless Upbringing
00:02:00
Speaker
You're very welcome. You're very welcome. Now you got to live up to it. No pressure. Yeah, man. No pressure at all. Awesome. Well, Larry, I've gotten to know you through a fellow by the name of Billy, Billy Hoikil. Billy,
00:02:14
Speaker
Billy's a listener to another podcast called The Order of Man, which I had the privilege of being on. That's a podcast done by my good friend Ryan Mickler. Ryan's been a guest on my show a couple of times, and Billy and I were having a conversation, and he said, listen, you need to bring Larry Haggner on your show. I'm like, who's Larry Haggner? And he says, oh, man, this guy's amazing. He's all about helping men be better fathers. That perked up my ears, because I'm a father. That's important to me. And helping more men be better fathers is important to me.
00:02:44
Speaker
what Ryan Mickler calls the battle to reclaim and restore masculinity. So I was super excited to have you on the show. I checked you out a little bit and I thought, wow, this guy is the real deal. He's authentic. He is a hero for men. But my listeners who listen to this show
00:03:02
Speaker
that person that man that woman typically is an entrepreneur they do what they do because they have a vision they have a dream that they want to bring out into the world they want to make a world a better place by sharing their gifts their products their services and they listen to the show to learn from you and the best way for them to learn from you
00:03:22
Speaker
is to get to know you, man. That's how they open their heart and they sold to you. You understand what I'm saying? So super, super important for them to know your backstory. So tell us your backstory. How'd you get to be the great Larry Hagner? Wow, man. Again, thank you so much for, I'm humbled. I don't know if I've ever been called the great Larry Hagner, but I'll take it. I'll take it. I think this whole thing really kind of started with my childhood.
00:03:49
Speaker
just to be honest with you. So I kind of grew up in a fatherless environment for at least the first half of my, well, I would say half of my childhood and then the other half was usually spent with some sort of toxic quote unquote father figure that was a part of my life. But, um, you know, my, my mom and biological father were divorced when I was just, um, just like nine months old, I think. And for the first four years of my life, my mom was, um,
00:04:18
Speaker
My mom was single. And I just remember, you know, when I was in preschool, we had men that would come and pick their kids up from preschool. So I knew what a dad was because I saw it like with my friends and, you know, uh, picking up their kids and that kind of thing. I just knew I didn't have one, but to be honest, I didn't really care. It didn't affect me at all. I mean, I just assumed at that point in my life that moms go out and find dads and my mom just hadn't found my dad yet.
00:04:47
Speaker
No big deal. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. And then when I was four, my mom brought a man home for the very first time and I'll never forget it because I remember this guy walking in and at the time, you know, he was in a trench coat. He was in a three-piece suit. He was in a double Windsor knot tie and all that. He had a briefcase cause there was no iPads or anything like that. He had the bar mustache. He was like, he was a white collar.
00:05:14
Speaker
a data software engineer. And I think he, I actually, I know he worked with my mom. That's how they met. So I'm four years old. And when I saw this guy walk in, I was like, Oh my gosh, like that's it. Like my mom, my mom did it. You know, she found us a dad. That's so cool. So literally the very first question I asked this guy when he, when he walks in, I was like, are you going to be my dad? And I'll never forget that to this day because like literally like he just stopped in his tracks and he was probably like easy kid. Like, you know, I'm just, I'm just here for dinner. Right.
00:05:44
Speaker
So about a year, year of them dating, they got married. And I was like, man, this is so cool. I was five. Like my family was all together. Like, wow, we really did it. You know, like she found us a dad where a real family is so cool. And he traveled a lot. He was a weekend dad, so I didn't really get to see him too terribly much. And right around the time I was 10, they got divorced. But what I can tell you is every single year they were married, they just got,
00:06:13
Speaker
more unhappy, more bitter, more angry, more physical fights, verbal bashings. My mom did a really good job of de-masculating the poor guy. He was a huge drinker. He was abusive as well. And then by the time I was 10, that was it. They were done. And what I can tell you is I was, I was bummed because I was like, he was the only guy that I knew. He even adopted me. So he was my father. At least I thought he was. And
Reconnecting with a Biological Father
00:06:43
Speaker
I was bummed that he was gone, but I was also relieved that he was gone. So, you know, here I was 10, 11 years old, no father. And I started asking questions cause I knew he wasn't my biological father. So my mom was like, yeah, you know, actually you have another father. You haven't seen him since you were a baby. You don't, you have no recollection of him. She showed me like the wedding photos and all that. Well, then when I was 12, I ran into him by accident.
00:07:10
Speaker
Total accident. I won't get into the detail, but I ran into him by accident and we ended up having like this six month relationship. And he, I think he was 35 at the time and I was 12. He, he was remarried, had a two year old son, another one on the way. And we hung out for about six months. And what I can tell you is I was really excited. I was like, Oh my gosh, it's like my real father. Like this is, I know where I come from. Like this is super cool. Like I was all into it. And I just remember the longer we were hanging out,
00:07:40
Speaker
The more he, I felt like this heaviness and this strain, like there was something just really taxing him, but I couldn't figure out what it was. And what I can tell you is that I think he felt a lot of pressure. You know, he had, again, he was remarried. He was, his wife was about ready to give birth to their second son. And I think he just felt a lot of heaviness. And I just remember our very last conversation was, it's not me, it's you. I can't go, I can't do this anymore.
00:08:09
Speaker
I was like, wow, okay. So 12 years old, he left. So by the time I was 12, lost my biological father, lost my stepfather who adopted me, lost my biological father again. My mom continued to date several men in between her marriages. She got married again when I was late in my teens.
00:08:29
Speaker
Men were constantly in and out. My mom was always dating somebody and, uh, but they were always the same type of guy. You know, there's always, um, some sort of toxicity, some sort of alcoholism. I can't confirm nor deny drug use. I don't know for sure, but lots of toxicity. So I'll finish the story here. Uh, when I was 30 and I made my way through college, uh, landed a job in pharmaceutical sales right out of the college and
00:08:58
Speaker
I was in a Starbucks when I was 30 and I was with a friend. And suddenly who do I see come walking in for his morning coffee was my biological father who I had not seen since I was 12. I knew exactly who he was. He didn't look any different except for just a little older, a little rounder. And we ended up connecting. And here we are 15 years later. I've got a relationship with him. He's still married to the same woman, 40 plus years. I have two younger half brothers.
00:09:26
Speaker
and we have a relationship. But what I can tell you is that I have four boys, a 15 year old, almost 15 year old, 13, seven and four.
Struggles and Turning Points in Fatherhood
00:09:35
Speaker
And I spent the first six years of my fatherhood journey just completely frustrated. Zero patience, wasn't communicated with my wife. My marriage was mediocre at best. I was in a bad spot, but there was a part of me, actually it was all of me, that I really, really wanted
00:09:55
Speaker
to show up and be an amazing father. I just didn't have the toolkit. And I had a bad moment one night when my son, my youngest at the time was four. I spanked him, he stepped to the line, I spanked him, he hit the ground. And it's hard for me to even talk about still to this day. And I went to help him up and he kind of shuttered with fear. And I was like, wow, I'm doing exactly what I said I was never going to do.
00:10:21
Speaker
And it was in that moment I was like, I got to get this under control. I got to do something. So I surrendered my ego and I was like, I don't care what it takes for me to learn how to do this. I'm just going to do it. And I started doing this work. I started the blog in 2013. I started podcasting in 2015. 2016 we launched Data Edge Mastermind. It's been going for five years now. Um, I would have, if you would have asked me, yeah.
00:10:46
Speaker
Years ago, if we'd ever be in this position where we get to talk to some of the most elite men and women on the planet, professional athletes, Navy Seals, Jaco Willink, Leif Babin, Chris Gardner from Pursuit of Happiness, I would have told you you were crazy. But here we are, and I have not really found a guest yet that said, no, I don't want to talk about what it takes to be a good father and also share some of their imperfections as well as their successes.
00:11:20
Speaker
I'll tell you what, man, that's a heck of a story. I mean, I really feel your pain. I don't want to sound like Bill Clinton back in the 90s, but I really feel your pain about what you went through growing up. I grew up with my mom and dad living in the same house. I worshiped my father. I worshiped the ground that he walked on.
00:11:45
Speaker
When I got married and I had two kids, back in 2009, my then wife decided she didn't want to be with me. And my biggest fear in life was realized that my children would not grow up in an intact family. And I've done everything in my power to mitigate the effect of that on my boys. And I've spent
00:12:09
Speaker
A lot of time, a lot of personal time, volunteer time, looking for ways to serve men have been in men's groups. I've personally helped save at least 60 families from divorce and nothing to me matters more than making sure that men and women today look at divorce as a last resort and not as a first resort.
00:12:33
Speaker
you know, because I believe that if you can find a way to keep your family together and deal with your issues, confront them head on, that's the best thing for children is to grow up in that intact family with some love there. And when I hear about a man like you stepping up, doing what you do to get the word out, to serve more men, to serve more families, God bless you, man. You're doing God's work. Oh, man. I really, really appreciate that. And a lot of it has just been
00:13:03
Speaker
You know, it's been a humble journey. A lot of it hasn't been pretty. A lot of it still isn't pretty, but it's been a journey. It's been a journey of learning, right? Yeah, I'll bet it has. I'll bet it has. You know, here's a few things that I discussed when I was talking
Men's Role in Modern Society and Mental Health
00:13:24
Speaker
to Ryan. I'd love to get your take on this.
00:13:28
Speaker
Part of the reason why men today are so lost is because they don't know what it means to be a man anymore. They don't understand how to comport themselves in this day and age. I mean, what are your thoughts on that? The men just don't know how to do it? Yeah, they don't know how to be a good man. They don't. So here's some interesting statistics for you, okay? You know, the highest death rate for a man between 30 and 48 is suicide.
00:13:58
Speaker
That just shows right there that men are floundering. They're really floundering. There is no roadmap out there, I don't think, for us. And not to bash our generation of fathers, the ones who raised us, those guys did the best they could with what they had. And they were raised, I think, with a bit, with a lot of rough edges from their fathers. Because those guys did the best they could with what they had. But I think one of the coolest things that you're seeing today
00:14:28
Speaker
Is that you're seeing a generation of fathers, my generation of father and yours of men who really want to step up. Men who are hungry, they're eager, but here's the gap. They don't know what it looks like. They don't know what good looks like. They only know what.
00:14:45
Speaker
suboptimal looks like, and they don't want that. But what happens when we focus on what we don't want? That's unfortunately what we resist persists. It's almost like if you say, hey, don't think of an elephant. What are you going to do? You're going to think of an elephant. So it's like, I don't want to be quick to anger. I don't want to be short on patience. I don't want to have bad communication with my wife. I don't want to have
00:15:07
Speaker
you know, virtually a sexless marriage, right? It's all these things we don't want, but unfortunately when we focus on what we don't want, what do you think is going to happen? Just by what we're focusing on, those things are going to happen. The other thing too is that another statistic is it's no, it's no secret that the divorce rate in the US is 50%.
Key Skills for Fatherhood Success
00:15:29
Speaker
What you might not know is the 50% of couples that do stay together
00:15:34
Speaker
Only one third of those marriages can actually identify their relationship as working. The other two thirds of marriage is two thirds of marriages that stay together. They they're settling their roommates under the same roof, very little to no intimacy whatsoever. And they're in purgatory and they don't know what to do. And the top two reasons those folks stay together is because of their perception and we have to stay together for the kids and
00:16:03
Speaker
we can't break up because finances are tight. So that's what we're dealing with out there. And the other thing that I'll tell you as well is we don't know what good looks like because I think we were raised in homes like that. We don't know what a legendary marriage looks like. We don't know what it means to get an epic, what it means to have epic patients with our kids or epic patients for ourselves. And I think that there's a time and a place for
00:16:29
Speaker
a lot of masculinity, right? Everybody's talking about being masculine, the beards and all that stuff, right? And I think that there's a ton of space for that. But as a man, is it important to show your kids how to be a man? Absolutely. It's equally as important you have emotional intelligence to be able to connect, to be able to communicate, and to be able to provide an environment of psychological safety where your kids will not only connect with you, but they'll tell you anything. And if you think that's impossible, think again.
00:16:59
Speaker
You can actually create the environment where your kids will share with you anything that's on their mind, anything that they've done, wrongdoings, dishonesty, and they will share it with you based on the environment that you create. And you can do all these things. But the problem is this. We don't have the skills to do it. And it is skills. Most of us have the perception of, I love my wife. I would do anything for her. So it should just work out. That's not true. I love my kids.
00:17:29
Speaker
I would do anything for them. I work my fingers to the bone. And therefore also I should be able to do this father thing flawlessly. And if I can't, that's a measure of maybe how much of a man I am or not, right? And that's not true. All these things, I mean, think about it. It takes eight to 10 years to be a surgeon. Eight to 10 years of education, undergrad, PhD, your MD, whatever it is,
00:17:58
Speaker
then your residency and fellowship, it takes 990 hours of training for you to be a cop. And most people don't invest more than two hours of marriage prep before they walk down the aisle. And that's true. And that's, that's if any, right? And then on top of it, there's very little sharpening of skills as it pertains to communication.
00:18:21
Speaker
with your wife, the partnership with your wife, the friendship with her, the lover's aspect, all these things that create a legendary marriage. And people don't even know what communication really looks like. Under communication, you have skills like tactical empathy, emotional validation, creating an environment of psychological safety, active listening, mirrors, labels, all these things that make communication work. And unfortunately, we're winging it. And the last thing I'll finally say about this whole thing is that
00:18:50
Speaker
Would you take, would you go under the knife of a surgeon who said, yeah, you know, I, I read a few books and I haven't done any surgeries yet. I haven't gone to school for it yet, but you know, this surgery is done all the time. And I think I know the know how to do it. Don't worry. You'll be all right. We'll wing it. We'll be good. That's how we, that's how we view all these other aspects in our life. The parenting journey, the marriage journey, and that is,
00:19:18
Speaker
really unfortunate because you're missing out on learning skills on how to optimize these areas in your life.
Nikki's Self-Improvement Journey
00:19:24
Speaker
You know, Larry, there's a lot of truth to what you said. I learned a lot from what you said right now.
00:19:30
Speaker
I am somebody who studies excellence. In fact, I'm a thought leader. I teach people about thought leadership, among other things. And one of the areas of my thought leadership that I'm very excited about is the study of winning and the study of mastery. I have in the last several months created about 45 discrete pieces of intellectual property describing various aspects of winning and victory. And one of the books to which I refer greatly is Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers. You familiar with that book?
00:20:00
Speaker
Love that book. Yeah, it's a great book, right? He quotes Dr. Anders Ericsson, and I've studied Dr. Ericsson's work as well, who talks about it takes 10,000 hours of study, deliberate study, for you to achieve any semblance of mastery, any semblance of proficiency.
00:20:17
Speaker
And the truth of the matter is, you're right, we don't spend more than a couple hours on marriage. If we're asking for advice, we're asking for advice from people around us who aren't necessarily even any good at it. Or we're modeling mom and dad, and you talked about what happened for you, and that wasn't a great model for you to be able to figure it out. And my mom and dad were excellent parents. Their relationship had troubles in their marriage too.
00:20:46
Speaker
Everything I learned about how to be in a relationship came from watching and modeling them. And then a few friends I spoke to. It wasn't until my marriage broke up that I went to study with a professional. And the professional's name was Owen Williams. Owen Williams is incredible because he's probably
00:21:05
Speaker
the world's top expert on heterosexual relationships. But it also goes to show you God has a sense of humor because Owen's gay, right? You know, and Owen is incredible. And when I first went to work with him in the men's groups that he had, he's the one who taught me how clueless I was about how to have a great relationship. Everything I'd been doing that I thought was the right thing to do in terms of how to be with my wife was wrong. So our youngest boy, at the time it was a year and a half,
00:21:34
Speaker
He'd had a condition called subglottic tracheostenosis. In English, that means his windpipe was too narrow. And he almost died from it, and my wife was terrified. And how I thought I needed to step up was to be strong, be tough. And what I really needed to do was to step forward and go and
00:21:57
Speaker
tell her, hey honey, it's all gonna be okay. I got you. We're gonna figure this out together. And instead, when she got terrified, I kind of
00:22:07
Speaker
went into macho mode. And that did nothing worthwhile for me. You know what I'm trying to say here, brother? And that's the thing which absolutely destroyed our marriage. If I had, instead of trying to be some macho dude and be strong and take care of everything, if I just put my arm around her and said, hey, honey, I love you. This is our boy. I know you're scared. I'm scared too. We're going to figure this out together. We'd probably still be together. My family would still be together.
00:22:37
Speaker
And I had no clue. And then I spent the next 10 years of my life learning how to go from being absolutely horrible at relationships to just being mediocre to decent. And I figured by the time I'm 70, maybe I'll be proficient at it. Maybe. It sounds pretty par for the course, if you really look at how other people operate, right?
00:23:05
Speaker
Yeah, 100%. 100%. There's a lot of wisdom in what you just revealed to us. So thank you for revealing it to us. Okay, so there's another question I'd like to ask you. So clearly,
00:23:18
Speaker
we can agree that many men are lost today. And many men and women, quite frankly, don't have a clue how to be in a relationship. So since we understand that, and since that's a huge problem, and it's having a massive impact on parenting, on relationships, on marriages, and it's causing children to be very badly affected,
00:23:44
Speaker
What's the way forward? How do you become the proverbial good dad and do what's needed in order to raise great kids and keep their mom happy and believing that, hey, you're a good man, you're awesome, you're worth sticking around with?
Striving for Excellence in Relationships
00:24:01
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, absolutely. So what's the answer, Larry? I think the answer is, number one, we have to be willing
00:24:13
Speaker
Like I said, to learn these skills in order to show up mentioned in there, you know, yeah, when I was meeting the man that you could have been when you're on your deathbed is the end for me. And I am going to be smiling. And if every day was dream world, but did you do everything that you possibly could in order to connect with the people that meant the most to you? And did you enjoy the ride?
00:24:43
Speaker
Or did you suffer in silence? Because isolation is the enemy of excellence. That much I can tell you, if you're not surrounding yourself with other people that hold you to a high standard and hold you to a high level to where you are executing in your life and not just being on what we call the drift and the drift is wash, rinse, repeat, then those are the things that need to be implemented in order for you to live that life.
00:25:09
Speaker
Larry, I love isolation is the enemy of excellence. That is a very, very powerful phrase. I can't take credit for it. That's from a good old buddy of mine. And that's Aaron Walker from he is the founder of ISI, which is iron sharpens iron.
00:25:26
Speaker
Yeah. Iron sharpens iron. That's a phrase we've been using in our men's group for the last decade, at least. Iron does sharpen iron. That's a good phrase. It's a good phrase. So it's a bit like you're saying you need to leave it all out on the field to use a sports metaphor. Yeah, leave it all out on the field. I mean, and don't sit on the bench and watch it go by. Unfortunately, like we've got these screens in our lives, right?
00:25:49
Speaker
where we're watching the highlight reel of other people's lives and we're into everybody else's life except for our own. That can be the screen that's in your pocket. That could be the screen that's on your wall. Everybody wants to binge on Netflix. But are you really going to be proud of how much time you spent watching, you know, Breaking Bad? Or are you going to be proud of the times where you went outside and threw the football with your kid? Yeah. Amen. Amen. Well said. Well said.
00:26:14
Speaker
Okay, so we're clear that you need to spend time sharpening yourself. You need to learn. We all need to be clear that we gotta deliberately practice becoming a better dad. We gotta deliberately practice becoming a better husband, right? Yes, sir. That's exactly right. You gotta deliberately practice. And that's what it is. You know, not every day is gonna be perfect.
00:26:42
Speaker
It is a practice and my kids will tell you I'll bring all four of them in right now because they're off school today. You probably hear them in the background. That's Martin Luther Kinga. That's right. They will tell you dad screws up on a daily basis without a doubt. I had to apologize to my 12 year old yesterday for acting a fool, right? I mean, this is a practice. It's not ever going to be perfect.
00:27:11
Speaker
No, it's never going to be perfect. But there needs to be a desire to be the best dad that you can be. There needs to be a desire to be the best man that you can be. So one of my mentors in the journey to being the best version of myself is a man by the name of Justin Sterling. I don't know if you've heard of Justin Sterling in the Sterling Men's Weekend.
00:27:32
Speaker
But Justin says that the objective of the Sterling Men's Weekend is to help you become the man that you've always wanted to be. You know, what you said earlier on the show about hell is meeting the man you could have been on your deathbed. You know, that's very powerful, and it reminds me of Justin's belief that
00:27:55
Speaker
We as men are here to do the work to become the man we've always wanted to be. On a daily basis, I seek to be that man that I've always wanted to be. I seek to be the man who eats right. I seek to be the man who works out. I seek to be the man who meditates. I seek to be the man who's there for his children. I seek to be the man who's there for his lady. I seek to be the man who's a provider. I seek to be the man who's out there in the world, making a difference for my clients, for the community at large.
00:28:25
Speaker
And it sounds like without maybe using that phrase, that's a big part of the ethos that you believe and promulgate out into the world. Without a doubt.
00:28:38
Speaker
There's a lot of people who need to find out about your podcast, who need to find out about the work that you do that don't know about
Promoting Positive Fatherhood
00:28:46
Speaker
it. I mean, until Billy told me about your show, I'd never heard of it. So I'm really glad that he did. So how do we help get the word out, my friend? How do we help find more men who are frankly hurting and lost who need to hear from you and the work that you do? How do we do this? Man, that is such a good question.
00:29:07
Speaker
I really think it boils down to we need to talk more as men, right? We truly need to have more conversations about what it means to be a father. I had Dr. Meg Meeker on the show. She wrote Hero, which I believe, I can't remember the subtitle, but it's all about you being a hero to your kids. She also wrote the ever so popular Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. She also wrote
00:29:37
Speaker
uh, strong, strong mothers, strong sons. Uh, she knows fatherhood backwards and forwards. She came on the show and said, if you put a good and intentional father on every street corner in America, half of our problems would disappear overnight. And I agree with that. I really do. I think in, in order for kids to feel that stable structure, not to take away the role, the vital role of a woman or a wife or a mother.
00:30:07
Speaker
in a kid's life or in a family unit, but a father can really add some incredible value as far as, you know, being an example of masculinity, right? Being example of strength, being an example of authenticity and vulnerability and humility, right? All these things that make up a truly what a man needs to be.
00:30:34
Speaker
A man can also also has the opportunity to emulate the best version of what his daughter can expect out of a man when she starts dating. And a son is going to learn how to treat a woman by how he sees his father treat his mother.
00:30:54
Speaker
Yeah, amen, amen. You know, your daughter's going to marry a man just like you, for better or for worse. Or, to spite you, she's going to marry a man who's the exact opposite of you. So either way, her relationship with you is going to define who she ends up with.
00:31:11
Speaker
And it's sad to say, but a lot of women with daddy issues really are hurting because they've got daddy issues. And as a man, I think it's very important for you to understand that and do your darndest to make sure your daughter doesn't have any daddy issues. And your son's only going to learn how to be a man from you. He can't learn how to be a man from his mother. It's as important as his mother is. He can only learn how to be a man from you. And so it's important that as a man,
00:31:39
Speaker
You model the best type of man for your son. I'm not perfect with my kids. Frankly, just before you and I started our interview, my oldest boy, who was just about to turn 15, decided that he was going to have an argument with me. Because I told him he needed to study, and he didn't want to study right away. He said he'd done his studying, and he wanted to go hang out with his buddies. And I said, no, you need to study first before you leave. You don't get to go hang out with your buddies first. You need to study. And he's like, no, no, no, no, I want to hang out with my buddies.
00:32:08
Speaker
And he started arguing with me, and I started to get a little heated on his end. And I said, I'm your father's son. I'm here to help you learn, to help you grow, and help you do what's best. And this is not a negotiation. This is not a democracy. We're not debating whether or not you get to study. You're going to study. Hand me your phone. Go in your room and study.
00:32:36
Speaker
Ideally, it doesn't get to that stage, but if it needs to get to that stage, then it needs to get to that stage. I did the right thing today with my son, even though it was a tough conversation. I know a lot of fathers would have let it go, and there's a part of me that wanted to let it go, but I'm not serving that boy if I don't stand for what's best for him. And I let a teenager and his whims guide his growth and development. So I'm glad I did what I did.
00:33:04
Speaker
Good for you, man. Absolutely. And that's what I'm talking about, you know, being proud of some of the things you put in place to make sure that life continues to thrive. Amen, brother. Amen. So listen, you've got a mastermind for fathers.
Dad Edge Alliance Introduction
00:33:21
Speaker
Let's talk a bit about this mastermind. Yeah. So we've been doing the mastermind since 2016. It's called Dad Edge Alliance Mastermind Community.
00:33:32
Speaker
What we do is we have over 515 men who do life with us on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. So there are five pillars that we help men optimize. We'll never say, ever, that we help men balance. Because balance is completely and totally, it's unattainable. And if anybody tells you you can achieve balance, run the other direction. Because it's not going to work out well.
00:34:01
Speaker
But what you can do is you can optimize each one. So let me just go through each one really quickly here. One is mastering your personal finances. The statistics show all you have to do is Google, you know, financial statistics in America. It is absolutely crazy. I think the average 50 year old has less than $50,000 in retirement right now. Millennials don't save anything right now. It's crazy. There's more debt, credit card, consumer debt than any place
00:34:31
Speaker
It's the highest it's ever been. So mastering your personal finances is key because that 50% of all divorces are because of financial constraints. So if you learn that lesson, you optimize that knowledge base, you're doing well. The next one is optimizing your health, physical, mentally emotional health. That goes without saying, you can't be the best for your wife and kids in your business if you're not taking care of yourself. A lot of men want to be noble and they feel it's a very noble thing to do.
00:35:00
Speaker
to throw themselves on the sword and destroy themselves and work themselves to death and what happens is they show up 30 to 50 percent of the man that they could have been had they just taken some time to take care of themselves. The other one is creating a legendary marriage and that is self-care. That's partnership, friendship,
00:35:22
Speaker
and lovers, and those four pillars sit under communication. Communication is the foundation of creating a legendary marriage, and unfortunately, a lot of people don't know how to do that. Then there's creating an incredible connection with your kids, and that's creating an environment of psychological safety, memories, experiences, and optimizing your skillset of patience. And then the final one is being a leader, being a leader within yourself, being a leader in your community, your family, and your business, but being a leader,
00:35:50
Speaker
and being a leader that people want to follow. And I would say what we do in that mastermind and what we've done for years is every single month we are teaching men skills. So right now in the month of January, as we record this, we are helping men resolve anger. So anger resolution is we're teaching them the skill set of anger resolution. Last month we did creating more patients. Next month it's the art of communication within marriage.
00:36:17
Speaker
In March and April, we're going to be creating more emotional, physical, and mental resiliency. So we're teaching these lessons within the mastermind, and we do this all virtually. The entire thing is virtual. Men are thriving. They're doing amazing. We've seen marriages turned around. We've seen connections with kids turn around. We've seen teenagers that hadn't really spoken to or opened up to their fathers in years completely open up and regain connection again.
00:36:47
Speaker
Um, we've seen men lose over a hundred pounds of weight, taking care of health again. Uh, we've seen finances be repaired and we, and most importantly, we were seeing men step up as leaders. Our entire mastermind is not necessarily to cater to our members. Our entire mastermind is designed to create leaders among men. And we've got, we've got several programs within the mastermind that
00:37:13
Speaker
challenge men that teach men how to be a more effective and empowering leader. I love it, man. This sounds absolutely amazing. Absolutely amazing. So, hey, listener, you know what? If you're listening to this and what you're hearing is touching you, is resonating with you, then you need to go check this out. So how do they sign up for this? How do they find out more about this?
Joining and Vision Planning in Dad Edge Alliance
00:37:37
Speaker
The easiest thing to do is just go to gooddadproject.com forward slash Alliance.
00:37:42
Speaker
It has everything on there. I mean, our, our application process is very easy. What you do is you apply. There's a button on that, on that screen to apply. It's going to take you through about five questions. The reason we do that is we really want to identify what is on your mind and heart. What really has your attention right now. And we want to help you with that because what we do is, is then you schedule a call with our team and that's all within the application process. And then you'll meet with one of, with a team member over zoom.
00:38:12
Speaker
And what we do is we help you create a vision, we help you create goals, we help you create where it is you want to go and what's most important to you. I will tell you 75% of our applications are to create the marriage of their dreams, to create an extraordinary marriage. That's something we do very well. We do all the other four really well too, but I would say that is three out of four applications that we get. So we point you right in the right direction because we've got resources for literally everything that I talked about.
00:38:46
Speaker
I love it man, I think that's absolutely fantastic. So listener, we're gonna put all this information in the show notes. I highly recommend you check this out. Highly, highly recommend. This sounds amazing. I'm part of a men's group. I run a men's group.
00:39:02
Speaker
I run a couple of men's groups, actually, and it's really, really powerful to be part of an organization of men, all of whom are looking forward in the same direction. If you've never been a part of such an organization, and if being part of such an organization appeals to you, you ought to check this out. So, Larry, I really love this conversation.
00:39:23
Speaker
I would love to have you come back. I'd love to dissect various aspects of what you do in a more granular way as we move forward. So please do come back and I'd love to come on your show sometime and have a similar talk like the one I had with Ryan for you and your audience because this is a subject I'm very passionate about. So I do hope we have an opportunity to make both of those things happen, my friend.
00:39:48
Speaker
Hey, for sure. I would welcome it. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. So we'll make sure we do that offline. So Larry, we like to end off each and every single one of our episodes by asking you as our guest expert, what are your top three expert action
Reflecting on Legacy and Life Impact
00:40:06
Speaker
steps? These are your best pieces of life advice for my listeners so they can take their life to the next level. So what do you say?
00:40:16
Speaker
Absolutely. Uh, number one, here's, here's something that's really, really powerful. I think it's human nature to live just day by day. Right. And for some crazy reason, human beings think that we have, we have time out the yin yang, right? We don't even think that our last day on this earth can be tomorrow. And what I'll ask you to do is to really take a productive pause in your life.
00:40:45
Speaker
And I want you to think about, even though it sounds a little morbid, being on your death bed and have you lived the life that you truly want it to live? And if the answer is no, what is it that has your attention? Is it your marriage? Is it the relationship with your kids? Maybe it's confidence. Maybe it's your own physical, mentally, emotional health. But what I would ask you to do and think about, and this is going to, again, this is going to sound tough.
00:41:14
Speaker
but it's very telling. If you could write three to four sentences of what your wife or your kids would say at your funeral, what do you want them to say? And what would they say right now if they had the opportunity? And the reason I say that is because one of the exercises we have men do in the mastermind is they write their eulogy.
00:41:41
Speaker
And they also have their five year vision of where they sit right now, where they want to be in five years. And the funny thing is, is 90% of the things that we chase on a daily basis, none of those are mentioned when a man writes his own eulogy. I have never heard, I'm so glad I spent so much time at work. I'm so glad I spent so much time trying to keep up with all my emails and make sure I got every report in on time. I'm so glad I made $1.5 million.
00:42:12
Speaker
What has been truly telling in the biggest themes that have come out of, as we look at the end of our life, is it's the relationships and the impact that we've had on the people that mean the most to us. And if you're not in that place right now to where you're proud, that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay because you have an opportunity to change it now. And if you don't,
00:42:42
Speaker
I say this all the time. Where you are in your life, it may or may not be your fault. You might be a victim of a lot of different circumstances that have happened, and in the place that you're at, if you're not completely satisfied with where you're at, it might not be your fault. I'll let you off the hook for that. But here's the tough love. It is your fault if you don't do anything about it. It is your fault if you don't go out and learn new skills. If your marriage isn't where you want it to be, there are
00:43:12
Speaker
resources out there that will help you create that relationship. And that's what I'm talking about. As far as like, if I could give your listeners one big thing is to take three minutes, close their eyes, and what would my child, what would my wife say at my funeral if I died today? And if it's not what you would want, then let's do something about it, right? You still got time. Amen, amen, amen, amen. That's powerful.
00:43:44
Speaker
So Larry, you're a pretty deep guy, and I gotta tell you, those are some awesome expert action steps. And we're gonna make sure that we put the contact information for how people can get in touch with you and your organization in the show notes. And listener.
00:44:02
Speaker
You're listening to Larry and you're thinking to yourself, maybe, yeah, I got to check out his mastermind, or this sounds pretty great. And you might also be thinking to yourself, Larry seems like he's really found his niche in the world, his niche in the world. And how do I do that? How do I get out there and share my greatest gifts with the world?
00:44:25
Speaker
The answer is very simple. The first thing you want to do is you want to go to our website, eCircleAcademy.com, and you want to watch a webinar master class we have, which talks all about how to take your genius and bring it out into the world in a bigger and more powerful way.
00:44:44
Speaker
It's absolutely free. And there's a download there as well, a report on how you as an expert can take your expertise out there into the world and turn it into a commercial success. So not only make a difference, but make a lot of money. And that download is absolutely free.
00:45:04
Speaker
And then once you've done those two things, there's another button, smack dab in the middle of the homepage and also in the top right hand corner that says book a success call. And what a success call is, it's an opportunity to get on the phone with myself,
00:45:21
Speaker
or a member of my team and this call will allow you to go deep into what you truly want for yourself in this year of 2021. 2020 was a crazy year and you are a hero. You are a champion for freedom and free enterprise. That's why I do the show. I do the show for you and I do it to inspire you to become the best version of yourself. And if you don't feel you're there, do yourself a favor and jump on that call. Let's show you how you can get there.
00:45:51
Speaker
and get there fast.
00:45:53
Speaker
and get there as quickly as possible, because maybe fast isn't the right way to say it, because it may not be fast, but it will be a process and a journey that will get you there. And it's really, really important that you don't sit back on the couch, stare at the screen, like Larry said, binge watching Netflix when what you could be doing is living your dream, serving humanity to its greatest possible
00:46:23
Speaker
height. And going on your deathbed and saying, I took care of the people that mattered most to me. I shared my gifts. I went out there and did for the world what God intended me to do. You don't want to go to your deathbed and not be able to say that. Because like Larry said, hell is being on your deathbed and looking at the man you could have been like or the woman you could have been.
00:46:51
Speaker
and going, oh my god, I can't believe I didn't go for it. So go for it, go for it now. I double dog dare you. Larry? I love it, man. How'd you like that, eh? I love the double dog dare, man. That's so cool.
00:47:06
Speaker
Thank you. I got that from one of my mentors, Jonathan Kramer. He's a great man. He's a great man. So Larry, first of all, thank you for honoring us by coming on the show. Do come back. And I'm putting good vibes out there for my listeners to get in touch with you and check out your mastermind, my friend. God bless you. Back at you. Thank you.
00:47:29
Speaker
And that wraps up another exciting episode of the podcast, The Thought Leader Revolution. To find out more about today's amazing guest, a one and only Larry Hager, go to thethoughtleaderrevolution.com, check out the show notes or go to all the podcast platforms like iTunes and Stitcher and check out the show notes over there. And to take advantage of what I shared with you so you can be
00:47:52
Speaker
that best version of you, and you get to be that man, that woman that you could have become, and you don't go to your deathbed regretting it, go to E-CircleAcademy.com and make sure you do that today. Don't wait, don't delay. Until next time, goodbye.